ideas for a small wedding?
August 21, 2011 6:48 PM Subscribe
How and where do my fiancee and I get married in a way that involves her two teenage daughters and impresses on them the solemnity of this act? We have few close friends and are not religious. Hotel banquet rooms and churches do not appeal to us. Ideas?
Someplace grand and outside? In magnificent gardens, or next to a cliff, or in an otherwise awe-inspiring natural setting?
posted by katypickle at 6:52 PM on August 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by katypickle at 6:52 PM on August 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
You know, it's actually possible to get married at Yosemite.
posted by bq at 6:57 PM on August 21, 2011
posted by bq at 6:57 PM on August 21, 2011
A local historic monument or building? A beautiful natural spot?
posted by BlahLaLa at 6:58 PM on August 21, 2011
posted by BlahLaLa at 6:58 PM on August 21, 2011
At the BEACH!
At the beach! Are you land-locked? Then under the TREES.
The smaller the wedding, the better. Nature + Love = INTIMACY.
Nothing is more impressive than intimacy.
posted by jbenben at 7:05 PM on August 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
At the beach! Are you land-locked? Then under the TREES.
The smaller the wedding, the better. Nature + Love = INTIMACY.
Nothing is more impressive than intimacy.
posted by jbenben at 7:05 PM on August 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
One of my cousins married a wonderful guy and during the ceremony all of the kids from their previous marriages had a chance to stand up and say "I do" when asked if they took Bill/Jane as their stepdad/stepmom, as applicable. (And vice versa with the parents...they took the kids to be their stepchildren.) Their kids were under 10, so I don't know how teenagers would react to something like that, but it was really heartwarming.
posted by corey flood at 7:06 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by corey flood at 7:06 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
We had a totally secular wedding at noon in a pavilion at a lovely city park and then had a lunch party at a nearby restaurant. We thought the best part of any wedding is the toasts that happen afterward, so we just made the toasts the ceremony. Our parents each spoke, then some friends of ours sang a song we liked, then our best man and maid of honor spoke, then my husband and I each said our own vows. Everybody just wrote their own speech. The officiant basically just acted as an emcee, introducing everyone and then introducing us as a married couple to the crowd, and signed our marriage certificate.
Our officiant happened to be a church deacon, but it was a secular ceremony. We had about 100 guests, mostly family, but you could do the same thing with a much smaller crowd, of course.
You might also want to see if there's a nice hotel in your town that has a nice penthouse suite. If you only have 10-15 people, you could have the ceremony in the living area and then either go down to the restaurant for a meal or have one brought up. Bonus: You can just stay there afterward for your wedding night.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:27 PM on August 21, 2011
Our officiant happened to be a church deacon, but it was a secular ceremony. We had about 100 guests, mostly family, but you could do the same thing with a much smaller crowd, of course.
You might also want to see if there's a nice hotel in your town that has a nice penthouse suite. If you only have 10-15 people, you could have the ceremony in the living area and then either go down to the restaurant for a meal or have one brought up. Bonus: You can just stay there afterward for your wedding night.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:27 PM on August 21, 2011
"At the BEACH! ..."
posted by jbenben at 10:05 PM on August 21
Eh, dog and I walk past/around 40 or 50 dawn or early morning beach weddings a year, many with shivering wedding parties, and brides fighting to keep their veils in place in a high wind. If you're having a beach wedding, you really need to know what you're getting into, and plan accordingly. There is generally more wind than you think there will be. Sand blows. Insects and beach life crawl around. Sea gulls and sandpipers will attend, not always politely. It rains more often than you might think, at many beaches, due to very localized meterological conditions. Unless you make special arrangements, there is no power for musical instruments, lights, or PA, nor is there seating for guests, or tables for gifts, or even a lecturn for the officiant, unless you make arrangements for such. On a lot of public beaches, you need hard-to-get permits for gatherings of anything more than a few people, and sometimes you need to post damage performance bonds and pay use fees to get such permits. And you can do all that, and then come to your beach for the ceremony, only to find 500 semi-dead stinging jellyfish washed up, or a dead porpoise, or a stinky eel carcass drawing crazy seabird interest.
Even beach hotels around here usually talk people out of an actual beach wedding, in favor of more comfortable ceremonies, in practical indoor venues with a beach view.
But if you're still interested in natural settings for your wedding, Bridal Cave is still available for weddings, if you're near the Ozarks, and is a fairly unique place, with a long tradition of such ceremonies.
posted by paulsc at 7:38 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jbenben at 10:05 PM on August 21
Eh, dog and I walk past/around 40 or 50 dawn or early morning beach weddings a year, many with shivering wedding parties, and brides fighting to keep their veils in place in a high wind. If you're having a beach wedding, you really need to know what you're getting into, and plan accordingly. There is generally more wind than you think there will be. Sand blows. Insects and beach life crawl around. Sea gulls and sandpipers will attend, not always politely. It rains more often than you might think, at many beaches, due to very localized meterological conditions. Unless you make special arrangements, there is no power for musical instruments, lights, or PA, nor is there seating for guests, or tables for gifts, or even a lecturn for the officiant, unless you make arrangements for such. On a lot of public beaches, you need hard-to-get permits for gatherings of anything more than a few people, and sometimes you need to post damage performance bonds and pay use fees to get such permits. And you can do all that, and then come to your beach for the ceremony, only to find 500 semi-dead stinging jellyfish washed up, or a dead porpoise, or a stinky eel carcass drawing crazy seabird interest.
Even beach hotels around here usually talk people out of an actual beach wedding, in favor of more comfortable ceremonies, in practical indoor venues with a beach view.
But if you're still interested in natural settings for your wedding, Bridal Cave is still available for weddings, if you're near the Ozarks, and is a fairly unique place, with a long tradition of such ceremonies.
posted by paulsc at 7:38 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
We had our wedding in a cabin in a beautiful location with just a few family/friends. One thing we did to have everyone participate in the moment was a ring warming. During a song, we sent our rings around (securely tied to a little dish/plate) with the instruction that each person was to say a silent wish, prayer, or blessing for us when the rings got to them. To us, it symbolized the support of everyone there. Our guests really enjoyed being part of our ceremony that way. I guess you could call it solemn in one way since it was something we took seriously, but it was joyful, too. Remember that if you're getting married, this is a happy occasion, not just a solemn one.
Have you asked the daughters how or even if they'd like to be involved? A close family member just married a woman with two teenage daughters, and that was how they handled it. I can't remember exactly what the girls decided to do, but one decided to be more involved than the other. And that was totally fine because they're old enough to decide the extent of their involvement.
One of my cousins married a wonderful guy and during the ceremony all of the kids from their previous marriages had a chance to stand up and say "I do" when asked if they took Bill/Jane as their stepdad/stepmom...
Coming from a person who had to sit through a parent's wedding and sing the terrible "Welcome to the Family" song, please do not do this. It's probably heartwarming to the audience, but you'll have no idea how the kids will feel about it in the moment or long after when they remember they were coerced to be part of something in this way.
Of course I'm projecting...but it's a big enough risk and a bad enough memory that I thought I should share.
posted by BlooPen at 7:54 PM on August 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
Have you asked the daughters how or even if they'd like to be involved? A close family member just married a woman with two teenage daughters, and that was how they handled it. I can't remember exactly what the girls decided to do, but one decided to be more involved than the other. And that was totally fine because they're old enough to decide the extent of their involvement.
One of my cousins married a wonderful guy and during the ceremony all of the kids from their previous marriages had a chance to stand up and say "I do" when asked if they took Bill/Jane as their stepdad/stepmom...
Coming from a person who had to sit through a parent's wedding and sing the terrible "Welcome to the Family" song, please do not do this. It's probably heartwarming to the audience, but you'll have no idea how the kids will feel about it in the moment or long after when they remember they were coerced to be part of something in this way.
Of course I'm projecting...but it's a big enough risk and a bad enough memory that I thought I should share.
posted by BlooPen at 7:54 PM on August 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
A family I know (not terribly well) had the stepdaughters participate in the ceremony by having the stepdad say something about how he vowed to take care of them and treat them as his own children but never replace their dad, blah blah blah, something heartfelt and meaningful, and then he gave each of them a birthstone ring. It meant a lot to the girls (at least the oldest of whom was a teenager, not sure about the younger two). You could also do a birthstone necklace if the rings were too ring-y.
You can always get married in your home, old-timey style; that might be meaningful. Or a friend might lend their garden. Historic homes often allow weddings, in the house itself or in a garden, and you don't really have to do any decorating because they're usually gorgeous. Many can also host a small cocktail party or sit-down luncheon/dinner afterwards for a reception, too, though you could of course go elsewhere.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:54 PM on August 21, 2011
You can always get married in your home, old-timey style; that might be meaningful. Or a friend might lend their garden. Historic homes often allow weddings, in the house itself or in a garden, and you don't really have to do any decorating because they're usually gorgeous. Many can also host a small cocktail party or sit-down luncheon/dinner afterwards for a reception, too, though you could of course go elsewhere.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:54 PM on August 21, 2011
One of my cousins married a wonderful guy and during the ceremony all of the kids from their previous marriages had a chance to stand up and say "I do" when asked if they took Bill/Jane as their stepdad/stepmom...
Coming from a person who had to sit through a parent's wedding and sing the terrible "Welcome to the Family" song, please do not do this. It's probably heartwarming to the audience, but you'll have no idea how the kids will feel about it in the moment or long after when they remember they were coerced to be part of something in this way.
Yes, yes, absolutely figure out what the daughters want to do! In my cousin's situation, it worked because they wanted to make sure that the little kids understood that they were all one family and that no one was taking a parent away. YMMV
God, BlooPen, a song? I am so, so sorry.
posted by corey flood at 8:04 PM on August 21, 2011
Coming from a person who had to sit through a parent's wedding and sing the terrible "Welcome to the Family" song, please do not do this. It's probably heartwarming to the audience, but you'll have no idea how the kids will feel about it in the moment or long after when they remember they were coerced to be part of something in this way.
Yes, yes, absolutely figure out what the daughters want to do! In my cousin's situation, it worked because they wanted to make sure that the little kids understood that they were all one family and that no one was taking a parent away. YMMV
God, BlooPen, a song? I am so, so sorry.
posted by corey flood at 8:04 PM on August 21, 2011
Lots of people here get married at the architecturally unique art museum.
I was a teenager when my dad married my stepmom. She had two teenage daughters. I'm not sure what you mean by "impress on them the solemnity of this act" but no one needed to do that with us (they got married at a restaurant) and it just sounds kind of ... awkward. Either they accept you in their lives or they don't. A wedding is not going to make any difference with that.
posted by desjardins at 8:21 PM on August 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I was a teenager when my dad married my stepmom. She had two teenage daughters. I'm not sure what you mean by "impress on them the solemnity of this act" but no one needed to do that with us (they got married at a restaurant) and it just sounds kind of ... awkward. Either they accept you in their lives or they don't. A wedding is not going to make any difference with that.
posted by desjardins at 8:21 PM on August 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
Lots of weddings here at the Arboretum, which is a public park that used to be the Frelinghuysen estate and is a beautiful setting. I like beach weddings too. My niece in Arizona got married outdoors at a country club in a beautiful desert setting at sunset (this was in November) and then we went indoors to eat. Try checking public parks and other attractive spaces in your area, you will probably find something you like.
posted by mermayd at 4:34 AM on August 22, 2011
posted by mermayd at 4:34 AM on August 22, 2011
Location won't convey solemnity to teenagers---thats more dependent on your relationships with them--and any past experience they have with solemn, sacred occassions or fulfilling parental expectations for solemnity.
nthing having a conversation with them. And bribe them. If they have the option to skip out of the party afterward early, let them. Buy them a spa treatment for the early skip out. Not some sort of delayed benefit--but directly afterward--"hey kids--we'd love to have you for the duration, but you can opt out of the party afterward if you can hang in for the ceremony--we'll make you reservations for a spa treatment and hire a car service to pick you up an hour into the reception."
Or whatever they'd find rewarding.
They may surprise you and say that they'd like to stay. But at the least, they'll have pleasant memories of your wedding day.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:53 AM on August 22, 2011
nthing having a conversation with them. And bribe them. If they have the option to skip out of the party afterward early, let them. Buy them a spa treatment for the early skip out. Not some sort of delayed benefit--but directly afterward--"hey kids--we'd love to have you for the duration, but you can opt out of the party afterward if you can hang in for the ceremony--we'll make you reservations for a spa treatment and hire a car service to pick you up an hour into the reception."
Or whatever they'd find rewarding.
They may surprise you and say that they'd like to stay. But at the least, they'll have pleasant memories of your wedding day.
posted by vitabellosi at 8:53 AM on August 22, 2011
Solemnity is what you make of the occasion. I have been married beneath of the dome of city hall surrounded by hundreds of other couples doing the same; in a bookstore, with customers watching; and outside (all marriages/ceremonies were to the same person, long story, memail if you want to hear it). All had their solemn/serious moments, along with laughing and crying.
It might be difficult to explain or express to a five-year-old why a wedding might be a solemn event, or have solemn moments to it, but unless you and yours are marrying on clown suits while sky-diving, I don't quite get why teenagers can't have this explained to them in words. Ask them how they'd like to be involved in the ceremony - or if they do - and talk about possible readings (there are ten million short, non-religious poems etc. that are suitable), choreography of the ceremony, lighting a candle as a new family, and so on.
posted by rtha at 10:06 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
It might be difficult to explain or express to a five-year-old why a wedding might be a solemn event, or have solemn moments to it, but unless you and yours are marrying on clown suits while sky-diving, I don't quite get why teenagers can't have this explained to them in words. Ask them how they'd like to be involved in the ceremony - or if they do - and talk about possible readings (there are ten million short, non-religious poems etc. that are suitable), choreography of the ceremony, lighting a candle as a new family, and so on.
posted by rtha at 10:06 AM on August 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Are the daughters excited about this? Would they be interested in helping plan some of it? If they are into it, picking the flowers and/or colors might be fun for them, especially if you let them have a budget and then let them pick anything they wanted. Of course, if they aren't into it then that won't work. I would take them out to dinner and ask them what they think. Or if they would be more inclined to be honest with one of you over the other then have that person talk to them. For example, perhaps they wouldn't want to hurt their mother's feelings but would be ok telling you that they really wouldn't want to be a part of the ceremony.
posted by dawkins_7 at 2:39 PM on August 22, 2011
posted by dawkins_7 at 2:39 PM on August 22, 2011
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posted by not that girl at 6:51 PM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]