How can I convince my girlfriend to go to counseling with me?
July 28, 2011 4:21 PM Subscribe
How can I convince my girlfriend to go to counseling with me?
We both have a lot at stake in our relationship and we both agree that it would be best if we could work it out, but we're having a tough time figuring things out.
I've broken stuff down into things that I see are working/not working and shared them with her, but she won't engage or talk about any of the topics (e.g., not a lot to talk about, different friends, different religious beliefs, etc). She says these problems are largely due to short term stress in my life so she doesn't take them seriously. Her dismissal of issues that I find important is a major drag. I have only recently realized that she may be incapable of dealing with things like this, which is why she puts it off...From her perspective, all you need is trust and commitment, and anything else is extraneous.
I've suggested going to couples counseling. She said that this is usually an excuse for one partner to dissolve a relationship, so she refuses to go with me. She's had some bad experiences in the past with counseling (abusive upbringing, thousands of dollars spent on counseling, she claims it hasn't helped her). Additionally, I suspect that she views counseling as a threat to her ability to do everything on her own, which she has done to this point to great (financial and political) success. Basically she's the type who would rather bear an unhappy long term relationship than expose and deal with the underlying causes of unhappiness, whereas I would like to get to the root of our issues and sort them out whenever possible.
My question is how can I get her to go with me to talk to somebody? Or is this a useless fight? Should I just assume that she'll never engage, that I'll have to figure out for myself if the things on my list are worth dealing with on my own?
We both have a lot at stake in our relationship and we both agree that it would be best if we could work it out, but we're having a tough time figuring things out.
I've broken stuff down into things that I see are working/not working and shared them with her, but she won't engage or talk about any of the topics (e.g., not a lot to talk about, different friends, different religious beliefs, etc). She says these problems are largely due to short term stress in my life so she doesn't take them seriously. Her dismissal of issues that I find important is a major drag. I have only recently realized that she may be incapable of dealing with things like this, which is why she puts it off...From her perspective, all you need is trust and commitment, and anything else is extraneous.
I've suggested going to couples counseling. She said that this is usually an excuse for one partner to dissolve a relationship, so she refuses to go with me. She's had some bad experiences in the past with counseling (abusive upbringing, thousands of dollars spent on counseling, she claims it hasn't helped her). Additionally, I suspect that she views counseling as a threat to her ability to do everything on her own, which she has done to this point to great (financial and political) success. Basically she's the type who would rather bear an unhappy long term relationship than expose and deal with the underlying causes of unhappiness, whereas I would like to get to the root of our issues and sort them out whenever possible.
My question is how can I get her to go with me to talk to somebody? Or is this a useless fight? Should I just assume that she'll never engage, that I'll have to figure out for myself if the things on my list are worth dealing with on my own?
Her dismissal of issues that I find important is a major drag the problem you two really need to be talking about
posted by davejay at 4:52 PM on July 28, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by davejay at 4:52 PM on July 28, 2011 [5 favorites]
Hit submit a bit too soon. All problems are surmountable, except those that are not, but if your partner refuses to even engage in attempting to surmount them, you're not really in a relationship as much as you're there to keep your mouth shut and make her happy. I won't say DTMFA, but I will say that it is certainly appropriate for you to call her out on her refusal to engage, point out that she's in a relationship with another human being whose concerns and issues are just as legitimate as her own, and if she doesn't want to participate in the relationship then you don't want to, either.
an ultimatum? sure, but I personally wouldn't want to be in a "relationship" that mainly consisted of me keeping my mouth shut and making the other person happy while I wasn't.
posted by davejay at 4:56 PM on July 28, 2011
an ultimatum? sure, but I personally wouldn't want to be in a "relationship" that mainly consisted of me keeping my mouth shut and making the other person happy while I wasn't.
posted by davejay at 4:56 PM on July 28, 2011
It takes two people working on a relationship together to keep it going and to make it/keep it healthy and viable. Two people who are on the same page, or who are both willing to make compromises to be on the same page. Or in another analogy, to decide on a direction and destination, then row the boat together to arrive there. If you are not rowing together, chaos ensues, and someone/s might drown.
If you see this as a potentially long-term/forever type relationship, it is very important to resolve these differences in dealing with issues before entering into that.
You can not make her go to counseling with you. You can try to entice her, but if she agrees to go, but does so with a closed mind and no intention of opening up to work on the issues, it's not going to serve much purpose.
Perhaps you could make a list of what you want in a relationship, both short term and long term, then assess your current relationship accordingly (this is something you would want to do alone and without sharing with gf; or together and sharing ... but that could create more problems). It is really unlikely that you will be able to change your girlfriends mode of coping in life and with lifes problems, especially if she sees no need to change. It does not make her wrong, but it does possibly make the two of you less compatible than you would desire to be.
Also, do a search here on ask Mefi for posts on what is normal in relationships and read the excellent information given.
posted by batikrose at 5:25 PM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you see this as a potentially long-term/forever type relationship, it is very important to resolve these differences in dealing with issues before entering into that.
You can not make her go to counseling with you. You can try to entice her, but if she agrees to go, but does so with a closed mind and no intention of opening up to work on the issues, it's not going to serve much purpose.
Perhaps you could make a list of what you want in a relationship, both short term and long term, then assess your current relationship accordingly (this is something you would want to do alone and without sharing with gf; or together and sharing ... but that could create more problems). It is really unlikely that you will be able to change your girlfriends mode of coping in life and with lifes problems, especially if she sees no need to change. It does not make her wrong, but it does possibly make the two of you less compatible than you would desire to be.
Also, do a search here on ask Mefi for posts on what is normal in relationships and read the excellent information given.
posted by batikrose at 5:25 PM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
You two have fundamentally different approaches to relationships and communication and frankly, intimacy and partnership. While there's nothing wrong per se with either of your attitudes and I'm sure you can both find compatible folks, I don't think you can make this work together. The ability to resolve conflict is utterly fundamental, and not only do you not have those skills, you can't even agree on how to get them.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:39 PM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 5:39 PM on July 28, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I actually think that "we need to go to therapy" is one place where an ultimatum is ok. Once someone has determined that the relationship is not working for them, and once the couple has failed to solve the problems on their own, the next logical step may be "we need to get outside help or we need to start moving on with our lives." You don't want to force people into things, but you also need to be clear about what you need, and your willingness or lack thereof to deal with the status quo.
In your shoes, I might present this person -- as she has such pride in doing it herself -- the problem and its severity, and ask if she is willing to take responsibility for making sure it is improved (not that you have no responsibility; you two are jointly responsible). I'd set a deadline and agree that if things aren't truly much better by that deadline, the two of you will either seek outside help or to start the difficult process of accepting that this relationship will not work.
posted by salvia at 10:17 PM on July 28, 2011
In your shoes, I might present this person -- as she has such pride in doing it herself -- the problem and its severity, and ask if she is willing to take responsibility for making sure it is improved (not that you have no responsibility; you two are jointly responsible). I'd set a deadline and agree that if things aren't truly much better by that deadline, the two of you will either seek outside help or to start the difficult process of accepting that this relationship will not work.
posted by salvia at 10:17 PM on July 28, 2011
I've suggested going to couples counseling. She said that this is usually an excuse for one partner to dissolve a relationship, so she refuses to go with me.
I think you could give her an ultimatum as well. She doesn't want to go to counseling because she thinks it is going to lead to a break up? Tell her that NOT going is going to lead to a break up - and mean it.
posted by LZel at 9:37 AM on July 29, 2011
I think you could give her an ultimatum as well. She doesn't want to go to counseling because she thinks it is going to lead to a break up? Tell her that NOT going is going to lead to a break up - and mean it.
posted by LZel at 9:37 AM on July 29, 2011
Best answer: She says these problems are largely due to short term stress in my life
Not sure what she means by this precisely, but maybe it's important? If you are undergoing stress, sometimes an unconscious response is to pick at your relationship until you get the sense of conflict you need to act out some stress-induced panic or anger. I don't think this is necessarily what is happening here, but I'm trying to imagine what might be going through your GF's mind as she wavers about therapy or engaging with lists of problems. If she loves you and trusts you and is committed to you as she says she is, maybe this new material you're bringing up is wobbling her.
If so, the response you have of feeling belittled for stating a need, defining a problem and offering a solution may dominate your sense of the situation. It may be, however, the opposite of what she might recall of her efforts at, say, reassurance: "this is only temporary/ you're stressed", "we love each other, we trust each other!" I think the most telling aspect of this recent interchange between you is that she has declared that therapy = abandonment to her. Could she be saying: "I don't want to be abandoned!"?
If you want her to go to therapy with you, you've got to make it about repair, healing, increasing opportunities for connection - not about the threat of separation. [btw from first hand experience: threats to leave people if they won't get therapy, do not work. Or they don't work how you wish them to.]
The core aspects of your complaints are about a lack of connection - conversation, interests, friends, so maybe ask for ways in which she feels she could help you two achieve greater connection. If she has nothing, won't go to a therapist/read a relationship book or two etc, won't try in whatever way to try to meet this need for greater connection, then - hmm, that's when you might consider separation.
posted by honey-barbara at 1:35 AM on August 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Not sure what she means by this precisely, but maybe it's important? If you are undergoing stress, sometimes an unconscious response is to pick at your relationship until you get the sense of conflict you need to act out some stress-induced panic or anger. I don't think this is necessarily what is happening here, but I'm trying to imagine what might be going through your GF's mind as she wavers about therapy or engaging with lists of problems. If she loves you and trusts you and is committed to you as she says she is, maybe this new material you're bringing up is wobbling her.
If so, the response you have of feeling belittled for stating a need, defining a problem and offering a solution may dominate your sense of the situation. It may be, however, the opposite of what she might recall of her efforts at, say, reassurance: "this is only temporary/ you're stressed", "we love each other, we trust each other!" I think the most telling aspect of this recent interchange between you is that she has declared that therapy = abandonment to her. Could she be saying: "I don't want to be abandoned!"?
If you want her to go to therapy with you, you've got to make it about repair, healing, increasing opportunities for connection - not about the threat of separation. [btw from first hand experience: threats to leave people if they won't get therapy, do not work. Or they don't work how you wish them to.]
The core aspects of your complaints are about a lack of connection - conversation, interests, friends, so maybe ask for ways in which she feels she could help you two achieve greater connection. If she has nothing, won't go to a therapist/read a relationship book or two etc, won't try in whatever way to try to meet this need for greater connection, then - hmm, that's when you might consider separation.
posted by honey-barbara at 1:35 AM on August 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by namesarehard at 4:28 PM on July 28, 2011 [1 favorite]