Don't you forget about me... Oops.
July 8, 2011 5:52 PM Subscribe
I forgot to tell my boyfriend that I am going out of the country for vacation. I leave in a week. How can I tell him without hurting his feelings?
First off, I know how ridiculous this sounds because how the heck did I forget something like this? And know I should just TELL HIM because he is, you know, my BOYFRIEND and I should obviously tell him things like this. But, my question is how do I tactfully tell him without causing hurt feelings?
Some relevant info:
My boyfriend and I broke up at the beginning of the year, kept in touch on and off for about five months and then got back together rather recently. About a month after the breakup one of my family members planned a surprise trip to go out of the country for a week and a half in July. Great! I just figured I'd mention this to my (then) ex at one time or another, no rush. Time passed and I really didn't think about the trip much or rarely talked about it to anyone (this particular family member had been promising this trip for years, so I took the "don't believe it until I see it" mentality and didn't get properly excited for it, lest I be disappointed if it didn't happen).
And now the trip is in a week. Eek! I obviously want to/need to tell my boyfriend, but I have been putting it off because I feel horrible about not mentioning it sooner. Hivemind, I need help coming up with ways to tactfully let my boyfriend know about this long planned vacation. Thanks!
First off, I know how ridiculous this sounds because how the heck did I forget something like this? And know I should just TELL HIM because he is, you know, my BOYFRIEND and I should obviously tell him things like this. But, my question is how do I tactfully tell him without causing hurt feelings?
Some relevant info:
My boyfriend and I broke up at the beginning of the year, kept in touch on and off for about five months and then got back together rather recently. About a month after the breakup one of my family members planned a surprise trip to go out of the country for a week and a half in July. Great! I just figured I'd mention this to my (then) ex at one time or another, no rush. Time passed and I really didn't think about the trip much or rarely talked about it to anyone (this particular family member had been promising this trip for years, so I took the "don't believe it until I see it" mentality and didn't get properly excited for it, lest I be disappointed if it didn't happen).
And now the trip is in a week. Eek! I obviously want to/need to tell my boyfriend, but I have been putting it off because I feel horrible about not mentioning it sooner. Hivemind, I need help coming up with ways to tactfully let my boyfriend know about this long planned vacation. Thanks!
"So, my Aunt Hilda has invited me on a trip to Greece next week... She has been promising this trip for years and I never thought it would actually ever happen, so I never got my hopes up or mentioned it to anyone. But, it looks like it's actually going to happen."
posted by Ashley801 at 5:55 PM on July 8, 2011 [34 favorites]
posted by Ashley801 at 5:55 PM on July 8, 2011 [34 favorites]
"I know this is crazy short notice but I've got an opportunity to go to Belize next week and it would be insane not to go, we've talked about it since I was a kid. Yeah, it's sudden, right? I know! You want me to bring you anything?"
posted by padraigin at 6:01 PM on July 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by padraigin at 6:01 PM on July 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
How about just telling him the truth? You were offered a vacation, you forgot to mention it to him, and now you're horribly embarrassed to be telling him this late, but does he want a postcard?
posted by xingcat at 6:17 PM on July 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 6:17 PM on July 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
"Hey, I'm going out of town on vacation with my family for a week and a half. I'll see you when I get back."
Why is it more complicated than that?
posted by General Malaise at 6:18 PM on July 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
Why is it more complicated than that?
posted by General Malaise at 6:18 PM on July 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
Just say "an opportunity came up rather quickly, I can't even believe it! I'm so excited!! See you in 2 weeks."
posted by katypickle at 6:19 PM on July 8, 2011
posted by katypickle at 6:19 PM on July 8, 2011
It might not be possible to both A) tell him, and B) not hurt his feelings.
So, what's your best bet for hurt-feelings-minimization if you decide to tell him?
1) Lie. (e.g., "Oh, just found out about this! It sounds like so much fun, I think I'll go! I'll bring you back something nice!")
That's pretty much it. His feelings are (probably) going to be hurt if you tell him the truth, so don't do it. If this kind of oh-shit-I-have-to-lie situation comes up again, you might want to ask yourself if you're quasi-intentionally sabotaging the relationship.
posted by clockzero at 6:36 PM on July 8, 2011
So, what's your best bet for hurt-feelings-minimization if you decide to tell him?
1) Lie. (e.g., "Oh, just found out about this! It sounds like so much fun, I think I'll go! I'll bring you back something nice!")
That's pretty much it. His feelings are (probably) going to be hurt if you tell him the truth, so don't do it. If this kind of oh-shit-I-have-to-lie situation comes up again, you might want to ask yourself if you're quasi-intentionally sabotaging the relationship.
posted by clockzero at 6:36 PM on July 8, 2011
Wait, so this guy is your boyfriend or your ex boyfriend?
If the latter, you owe him no explanation. He doesn't own you.
If you guys got back together recently enough that he missed the whole planning aspect of the trip, then again, you owe him no explanation. He was out of your life for a period of time, things happened to you, and again, he doesn't own you.
The only way this is weird is if we're talking about something you consistently dated for a long time and were with when you made the original arrangements. And even then, it's not a problem (again, he doesn't own you), it's just sort of weird how it never came up. So just... tell him already and get the awkwardness over with.
posted by Sara C. at 6:39 PM on July 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
If the latter, you owe him no explanation. He doesn't own you.
If you guys got back together recently enough that he missed the whole planning aspect of the trip, then again, you owe him no explanation. He was out of your life for a period of time, things happened to you, and again, he doesn't own you.
The only way this is weird is if we're talking about something you consistently dated for a long time and were with when you made the original arrangements. And even then, it's not a problem (again, he doesn't own you), it's just sort of weird how it never came up. So just... tell him already and get the awkwardness over with.
posted by Sara C. at 6:39 PM on July 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Mod note: answer constructively or don't answer, thanks
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:41 PM on July 8, 2011
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:41 PM on July 8, 2011
Oops, my reading comprehension is not good. I agree with Sara C., you made these plans while you were broken up, you don't owe him an explanation.
posted by clockzero at 6:44 PM on July 8, 2011
posted by clockzero at 6:44 PM on July 8, 2011
Whoops, exchange "something you dated" for "someONE you dated". He doesn't own you, sure, but also he's not a thing.
posted by Sara C. at 6:53 PM on July 8, 2011
posted by Sara C. at 6:53 PM on July 8, 2011
How can I tell him without hurting his feelings?
What you want may not be possible, as you're forgetting to tell him is odd.
Rather than trying to control his feelings to assuage your own, just be honest: "hey, this is totally odd I know, buy I forgot to mention something...." it might be a big deal to him, it might not, but the longer you hold off telling him, the worse he'll probably feel. Just do it and get it over with, so ya'll can deal with the situation and move on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:00 PM on July 8, 2011
What you want may not be possible, as you're forgetting to tell him is odd.
Rather than trying to control his feelings to assuage your own, just be honest: "hey, this is totally odd I know, buy I forgot to mention something...." it might be a big deal to him, it might not, but the longer you hold off telling him, the worse he'll probably feel. Just do it and get it over with, so ya'll can deal with the situation and move on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:00 PM on July 8, 2011
Don't lie. Own up to it and tell him that you've been mulling how to tell him because you know it might hurt his feelings. You did something dumb, not malicious.
"Hey, I did something totally dumb and I feel really bad about it. Back in [month when you were broken up], [flaky relative] invited me on a trip to [country]. And I agreed to go, but [flaky relative] has been talking about this for years so, so I didn't really think about it too much. And then we got back together and... I completely forgot to tell you about the trip. I'm sorry."
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:28 PM on July 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
"Hey, I did something totally dumb and I feel really bad about it. Back in [month when you were broken up], [flaky relative] invited me on a trip to [country]. And I agreed to go, but [flaky relative] has been talking about this for years so, so I didn't really think about it too much. And then we got back together and... I completely forgot to tell you about the trip. I'm sorry."
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:28 PM on July 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
If I were your boyfriend, I am not so sure my feelings would be hurt. A family member is giving you a trip. Ok, great go! Enjoy. It is next week? Oh. Why didn't you tell me? I made the plans while we were broken up and totally forgot to tell you. Oh, that is bs, you need to communicate, but enjoy yourself.
If he is looking for an issue to create a wedge, he will use this. If he is not, this will blow over quickly.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:41 PM on July 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
If he is looking for an issue to create a wedge, he will use this. If he is not, this will blow over quickly.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:41 PM on July 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
It is completely normal that you would put something on your calendar and forget about it until it approached. How about: "Oh hey! I forgot to tell you! Back when we were broken up, Aunt Judy bought me tickets to Belize. Anyway, the trip is coming right up: it is in a week and a half. Sorry it didn't occur to me to tell you sooner -- it snuck up on me."
posted by slidell at 8:46 PM on July 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by slidell at 8:46 PM on July 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
What I would not do is lie. This was not just planned. This should not be a big deal. If it is a big deal, that fact is valuable information for everyone involved and should be allowed to surface.
posted by slidell at 8:53 PM on July 8, 2011
posted by slidell at 8:53 PM on July 8, 2011
Why do you think his feelings would be hurt? I agree with others that they should not be. There must be something unusual about your relationship that makes you think this, and without knowing it, it's hard to offer the advice you're asking for.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:03 PM on July 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 9:03 PM on July 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't see what the big deal is. He was out of your life for a significant period of time and yet your life and plans still went on. You didn't tell him because he wasn't a part of things. Now he's back, so tell him but make no apologies, you've done nothing wrong. Does he really expect that you were just curled up in a ball for 5 months waiting for him? I'm sure he will understand but if you treat it like you've done something bad, he will think he's been wronged too.
posted by Jubey at 9:21 PM on July 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 9:21 PM on July 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Hey, I just realized I forgot to tell you, I'm going out of town for vacation in a week. I'm going to..."
Honestly, if someone takes offense at this, I'd be surprised. Or at least I'd suggest they should pick their battles.
posted by davejay at 9:37 PM on July 8, 2011
Honestly, if someone takes offense at this, I'd be surprised. Or at least I'd suggest they should pick their battles.
posted by davejay at 9:37 PM on July 8, 2011
You will be out of town a little over 10 days. This isn't a semester abroad or sailing around the world. Just tell him.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:41 PM on July 8, 2011
posted by munchingzombie at 9:41 PM on July 8, 2011
I just want to chime in to say that if your boyfriend does flip out on you for taking this vacation, that he might not be a very good partner for you. My most recent ex flipped out on me after I took a trip that I had been planning since before we met. I should have realized then that he wasn't a good match for me, but I let the relationship drag out for another year.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:08 PM on July 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by parakeetdog at 10:08 PM on July 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's only a week and a half. Don't sweat it - it's really not that big a deal.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:33 PM on July 8, 2011
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:33 PM on July 8, 2011
Your post contains a pretty straight forward explanation of what happened. Just tell him that. All of it, including the part about " putting it off because I feel horrible about not mentioning it sooner".
Best case, the two of you laugh about it and life goes on.
Worst case, this leads to a talk about why the simple act of talking about this trip with him causes you so much anxiety. (which is actually a good thing for the relationship)
If you are *really* *really* worried about hurt feelings, you could stress how much you'd miss him on this trip. And/Or, start planning for a trip together in the near future.
posted by hunter2 at 11:55 PM on July 8, 2011
Best case, the two of you laugh about it and life goes on.
Worst case, this leads to a talk about why the simple act of talking about this trip with him causes you so much anxiety. (which is actually a good thing for the relationship)
If you are *really* *really* worried about hurt feelings, you could stress how much you'd miss him on this trip. And/Or, start planning for a trip together in the near future.
posted by hunter2 at 11:55 PM on July 8, 2011
Don't lie about it just springing up. Tell him you planned it months ago and you had put it out of your mind until now. It's the truth. It's nothing for him to get upset about.
posted by inturnaround at 6:16 AM on July 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 6:16 AM on July 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by thejoshu at 5:55 PM on July 8, 2011 [2 favorites]