Fell for best friend and am now heartbroken. Advice?
July 3, 2011 2:30 AM Subscribe
My best friend told me he was falling for me, we hooked up, then he totally changed. Long-distance situation + first heartbreak. Advice? What is he thinking?
So, long story short (or perhaps long story long, as I haven't typed all of this yet) - I moved into an apartment with 6 people while studying abroad, and hit it off with one of the guys in the house. We became "best friends," although there was always a minor attraction there, spending all day together exploring the city and hanging out all the time, almost every day. Seriously, we could talk for hours, and all of our roomates noticed, too, but I always told them we were just friends, because I naturally assumed that was the case (he never made a move, he told me about all of his relationships).
I've never had a connection like that before; more feelings developed as he started hooking up with someone and asking me for advice about it. He told me I was his closest friend and he loved me for life. Cue 1 month later, and he starts complimenting me more (out of nowhere), wanting to do slightly more romantic things, and hugging me longer than usual - right as both of us are leaving. Alarm bells (of the good kind!) as I felt like I was falling in love with him and it was maybe mutual.
Then one night, out of nowhere, he kissed me, and I felt chemistry like no other... one thing led to another and suddenly we slept together. He was only the second guy I'd ever been with (save for a long-term boyfriend) and told me he had fallen for his best friend, etc... but that he didn't want to hurt me. We had 8 days left together at the time, and it was the weirdest "relationship" I ever had - after the first time, he stopped talking to me as much and started acting weird, ignoring me, etc, but we kept sleeping together. I asked him what was going on, and he said that we should enjoy our time together, but that he didn't want a relationship right now, as both of us were to be traveling in opposite parts of the world for a year and he was not completely over his ex. He also told me that he didn't want to pursue anything serious with me because he loved having me in his life as a friend and didn't want things to end badly, hurt me, and never speak to me again. Finally, he told me he didn't want to fall in love with me because he didn't want to be hurt like before.
Anyway, we parted ways (on good-ish terms) recently after he moved home and have only spoken twice, though he promised me we would be friends for life. Problem is, now I'm heartbroken. I know if we're meant to meet again, it will happen. But what do I make of the situation now? I'm a girl, and I don't want to be the one to pursue it. I feel that if someone really wants you, they will find you.
Thanks in advance for the advice, MeFi. Appreciate it.
So, long story short (or perhaps long story long, as I haven't typed all of this yet) - I moved into an apartment with 6 people while studying abroad, and hit it off with one of the guys in the house. We became "best friends," although there was always a minor attraction there, spending all day together exploring the city and hanging out all the time, almost every day. Seriously, we could talk for hours, and all of our roomates noticed, too, but I always told them we were just friends, because I naturally assumed that was the case (he never made a move, he told me about all of his relationships).
I've never had a connection like that before; more feelings developed as he started hooking up with someone and asking me for advice about it. He told me I was his closest friend and he loved me for life. Cue 1 month later, and he starts complimenting me more (out of nowhere), wanting to do slightly more romantic things, and hugging me longer than usual - right as both of us are leaving. Alarm bells (of the good kind!) as I felt like I was falling in love with him and it was maybe mutual.
Then one night, out of nowhere, he kissed me, and I felt chemistry like no other... one thing led to another and suddenly we slept together. He was only the second guy I'd ever been with (save for a long-term boyfriend) and told me he had fallen for his best friend, etc... but that he didn't want to hurt me. We had 8 days left together at the time, and it was the weirdest "relationship" I ever had - after the first time, he stopped talking to me as much and started acting weird, ignoring me, etc, but we kept sleeping together. I asked him what was going on, and he said that we should enjoy our time together, but that he didn't want a relationship right now, as both of us were to be traveling in opposite parts of the world for a year and he was not completely over his ex. He also told me that he didn't want to pursue anything serious with me because he loved having me in his life as a friend and didn't want things to end badly, hurt me, and never speak to me again. Finally, he told me he didn't want to fall in love with me because he didn't want to be hurt like before.
Anyway, we parted ways (on good-ish terms) recently after he moved home and have only spoken twice, though he promised me we would be friends for life. Problem is, now I'm heartbroken. I know if we're meant to meet again, it will happen. But what do I make of the situation now? I'm a girl, and I don't want to be the one to pursue it. I feel that if someone really wants you, they will find you.
Thanks in advance for the advice, MeFi. Appreciate it.
Response by poster: thank you - both for the condolences and advice. forgot to add, he did tell a few of his friends he liked me before the fact (and they, in turn, told me). don't know if this adds anything.
posted by shotinthedark at 2:54 AM on July 3, 2011
posted by shotinthedark at 2:54 AM on July 3, 2011
Oh, and as to what you should do: I personally think you should write to him, on paper, to tell him that he looks exactly like somebody who has taken advantage of your friendship to use you for sex and then turn nasty and dump you; that these are not the behaviours you admire in a friend; and that you are not "friends for life". I think you should back this up by blocking all channels of communication.
I don't think you will do this, because you'd only do it if you really believed it was true. And I don't think it's possible for you to believe this right now because you were friends for a long time and it's difficult to just flip a switch in your opinion of someone. But that is what I think you should, ideally, do.
I know how cruel I'm being by pointing this out. But I would have escaped a lot of very nasty treatment from other people if I had learned early to take nasty behaviour at face value, rather than trying to second-guess what the person might be feeling underneath. A nice person who is temporarily behaving nastily will eventually do something to repair the situation, if you don't reward their nastiness, that is.
posted by tel3path at 2:59 AM on July 3, 2011 [44 favorites]
I don't think you will do this, because you'd only do it if you really believed it was true. And I don't think it's possible for you to believe this right now because you were friends for a long time and it's difficult to just flip a switch in your opinion of someone. But that is what I think you should, ideally, do.
I know how cruel I'm being by pointing this out. But I would have escaped a lot of very nasty treatment from other people if I had learned early to take nasty behaviour at face value, rather than trying to second-guess what the person might be feeling underneath. A nice person who is temporarily behaving nastily will eventually do something to repair the situation, if you don't reward their nastiness, that is.
posted by tel3path at 2:59 AM on July 3, 2011 [44 favorites]
p.s. I'm sure he did like you, but he's not being nice to you, and that's kind of what's important here.
posted by tel3path at 2:59 AM on July 3, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by tel3path at 2:59 AM on July 3, 2011 [8 favorites]
My read is that he's not recovered enough from his previous relationship to be a full participant in a new one, but he's been lonely, horny and starved for intimacy. Rather than being honest with himself (and you) about all this, he indulged (as did you) in Hollywoodesque true love fantasies of having 'fallen for his best friend' for just long enough to get his short-term needs satisfied before withdrawing to a safe distance. I don't think it was malicious. He's sure to have felt genuine affection for and attraction to you, but a long-term relationship was never really in the cards here. He's not ready, and by the time he is ready he may be looking for someone quite different from you.
As an aside, I suggest you reconsider the sort of thinking that leads you to say, "I'm a girl, and I don't want to be the one to pursue it. I feel that if someone really wants you, they will find you." I don't think you should pursue this particular guy, but a general policy of not pursuing relationships that interest you because you're 'a girl' doesn't make a lot of sense.
posted by jon1270 at 3:20 AM on July 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
As an aside, I suggest you reconsider the sort of thinking that leads you to say, "I'm a girl, and I don't want to be the one to pursue it. I feel that if someone really wants you, they will find you." I don't think you should pursue this particular guy, but a general policy of not pursuing relationships that interest you because you're 'a girl' doesn't make a lot of sense.
posted by jon1270 at 3:20 AM on July 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
It's possible he took advantage of you, but I think it's also possible that he genuinely liked you, took it too far by sleeping with you eight days before you left, and was too chickenshit to acknowledge that. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to fall in love, especially when you're about to go your separate ways, but waiting until after you slept together to express that feeling shows a real lack of character.
Ultimately, though, it doesn't really matter what he was thinking. What matters is what he did, and what he did was treat you very poorly. You're better off without this guy in your life, as much as it hurts right now.
Look at it this way: if he found you terrific enough to be with, other guys will find you terrific enough to be with, too. Some of them will be guys with a backbone and a little more maturity, I promise.
posted by Georgina at 3:24 AM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Ultimately, though, it doesn't really matter what he was thinking. What matters is what he did, and what he did was treat you very poorly. You're better off without this guy in your life, as much as it hurts right now.
Look at it this way: if he found you terrific enough to be with, other guys will find you terrific enough to be with, too. Some of them will be guys with a backbone and a little more maturity, I promise.
posted by Georgina at 3:24 AM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Two people in a foreign city who get along great and end up fooling around for a few days until the part ways possibly for ever... I don't think anyone was 'taken advantage of' here. you are both adults and obviously wanted the romance and togetherness. the fun, frivolity and experience.
But perhaps he realised that well a long distance thing is not really practical before you and didn't want to get too caught up in it all.
Reality is sometimes difficult and not all relationships are forever. But they don't have to be forever to be memorable and worthwhile. I say just enjoy the memories and roll with it. Perhaps you will meet again perhaps not..
posted by mary8nne at 3:28 AM on July 3, 2011 [5 favorites]
But perhaps he realised that well a long distance thing is not really practical before you and didn't want to get too caught up in it all.
Reality is sometimes difficult and not all relationships are forever. But they don't have to be forever to be memorable and worthwhile. I say just enjoy the memories and roll with it. Perhaps you will meet again perhaps not..
posted by mary8nne at 3:28 AM on July 3, 2011 [5 favorites]
OP, I do not think it was dense of you to believe him when he said he was "falling for his best friend" and how you would be "friends forever" and stopped calling.
Do I think it shows inexperience? Yes, becauae experience teaches that friends can't be trusted not to take advantage of you and hurt you. That doean't mean you do not have a right to expect better, nor that you should properly have viewed it as a fun trivial fling when you both knew it was much more than that for you. Your feelings are important and you have a right not to have them trivialized.
posted by tel3path at 3:45 AM on July 3, 2011
Do I think it shows inexperience? Yes, becauae experience teaches that friends can't be trusted not to take advantage of you and hurt you. That doean't mean you do not have a right to expect better, nor that you should properly have viewed it as a fun trivial fling when you both knew it was much more than that for you. Your feelings are important and you have a right not to have them trivialized.
posted by tel3path at 3:45 AM on July 3, 2011
...he [said he] was not completely over his ex. He also told me that he didn't want to pursue anything serious with me because he loved having me in his life as a friend and didn't want things to end badly, hurt me, and never speak to me again. Finally, he told me he didn't want to fall in love with me because he didn't want to be hurt like before...
As a certified asshole, I can tell you that this is classic damage-control padding. It is basically a shotgun tactic - the claims have varying degrees of plausibility, but if you pin him down on any one point he can shift focus to another.
The timing speaks for itself. It is very likely that he premeditated the transition in your relationship to just precede your separation. Longer hugs, romantic conversation, and suddenly a kiss. His moves. And yet immediately post-coitus, he has marked shift in disposition and a panoply of excuses at hand. The merit of these excuses is irrelevant here because he had always known them, but nevertheless chose to seduce you.
It sounds like you're fairly new to the ball-game, so here's a pro-tip. If you sexually engage a person without explicitly and mutually stating your intentions, leave your emotions on the bench. I know that can be difficult to do, especially when you get blindsided as you were here, but it will save you a lot of heartache.
tel3path is right on the money.
posted by troll at 3:53 AM on July 3, 2011 [51 favorites]
As a certified asshole, I can tell you that this is classic damage-control padding. It is basically a shotgun tactic - the claims have varying degrees of plausibility, but if you pin him down on any one point he can shift focus to another.
The timing speaks for itself. It is very likely that he premeditated the transition in your relationship to just precede your separation. Longer hugs, romantic conversation, and suddenly a kiss. His moves. And yet immediately post-coitus, he has marked shift in disposition and a panoply of excuses at hand. The merit of these excuses is irrelevant here because he had always known them, but nevertheless chose to seduce you.
It sounds like you're fairly new to the ball-game, so here's a pro-tip. If you sexually engage a person without explicitly and mutually stating your intentions, leave your emotions on the bench. I know that can be difficult to do, especially when you get blindsided as you were here, but it will save you a lot of heartache.
tel3path is right on the money.
posted by troll at 3:53 AM on July 3, 2011 [51 favorites]
I felt chemistry like no other... He was only the second guy I'd ever been with
Let me sound old and cynical: it always feels like that when you finally hook up after a long, long, long courtship. It's an awesome feeling, and you should learn to enjoy it; fortunately, it feels just as good when you are a cranky old geezer as it does when you are young and happy. But the point is that these are normal feelings for a new hookup, not something that marks this particular dude as The One.
'm a girl, and I don't want to be the one to pursue it. I feel that if someone really wants you, they will find you.
That's a recipe for being unhappy and unfulfilled. If you want something (a man, a job, an opportunity, a friendship), you need to be willing to cowgirl up, take some risks, and put yourself out there. Sure, sometimes you get rejected, but on average you get what you want a whole lot more than if you sit back in your corner and wait for the world to come to you.
he said that we should enjoy our time together, but that he didn't want a relationship right now, as both of us were to be traveling in opposite parts of the world for a year and he was not completely over his ex. He also told me that he didn't want to pursue anything serious with me because he loved having me in his life as a friend and didn't want things to end badly, hurt me, and never speak to me again. Finally, he told me he didn't want to fall in love with me because he didn't want to be hurt like before.
There are two very good general rules for relationships. (You can find exceptions to both, but they hold true way more often than not.) The first is that you should believe people when they say things like "I'm not ready," or "I don't want to fall in love with you." They are telling you that they are not ready, willing, or able to be in a relationship with you at this moment, and you should listen.
The other is that people are pretty much always at their best behavior at the beginning -- this is as good as it gets, behavior-wise. This guy has set that bar pretty low in terms of your feelings; if you get into a long distance relationship with him I predict some hurt feelings and tears at various points.
posted by Forktine at 4:57 AM on July 3, 2011 [24 favorites]
Let me sound old and cynical: it always feels like that when you finally hook up after a long, long, long courtship. It's an awesome feeling, and you should learn to enjoy it; fortunately, it feels just as good when you are a cranky old geezer as it does when you are young and happy. But the point is that these are normal feelings for a new hookup, not something that marks this particular dude as The One.
'm a girl, and I don't want to be the one to pursue it. I feel that if someone really wants you, they will find you.
That's a recipe for being unhappy and unfulfilled. If you want something (a man, a job, an opportunity, a friendship), you need to be willing to cowgirl up, take some risks, and put yourself out there. Sure, sometimes you get rejected, but on average you get what you want a whole lot more than if you sit back in your corner and wait for the world to come to you.
he said that we should enjoy our time together, but that he didn't want a relationship right now, as both of us were to be traveling in opposite parts of the world for a year and he was not completely over his ex. He also told me that he didn't want to pursue anything serious with me because he loved having me in his life as a friend and didn't want things to end badly, hurt me, and never speak to me again. Finally, he told me he didn't want to fall in love with me because he didn't want to be hurt like before.
There are two very good general rules for relationships. (You can find exceptions to both, but they hold true way more often than not.) The first is that you should believe people when they say things like "I'm not ready," or "I don't want to fall in love with you." They are telling you that they are not ready, willing, or able to be in a relationship with you at this moment, and you should listen.
The other is that people are pretty much always at their best behavior at the beginning -- this is as good as it gets, behavior-wise. This guy has set that bar pretty low in terms of your feelings; if you get into a long distance relationship with him I predict some hurt feelings and tears at various points.
posted by Forktine at 4:57 AM on July 3, 2011 [24 favorites]
And yet immediately post-coitus, he has marked shift in disposition and a panoply of excuses at hand. The merit of these excuses is irrelevant here because he had always known them, but nevertheless chose to seduce you.
I wish I could quote this (from the unfortunately-named Troll) a million times for truth. Every single excuse he's volunteered for his emotional distance since the hookup (not over ex; "afraid to be hurt," LOL; too impractical to be in a relationship; loves the friendship instead) would also have applied equally just before the hookup. Even if all those things are true now, they were certainly equally true beforehand, when he was laying on the compliments and leaning in for the kiss. So, empirically speaking, what we know is that (a) he's in courtship mode, until you two have some sex, and that (b) having had the sex, he actively switches into distancing mode.
That is emphatically not the behavior of someone who's interested in a relationship with you, now or ever. As you point out, since you got back home it hasn't even seemed like he's all that interested in a friendship. It doesn't make you a fool or him a villain, and I'm sure he liked you just fine. But if (as your last few lines suggest) you're cultivating romantic fantasies of meeting him again sometime, or him suddenly getting in touch and declaring his renewed love, then please try your hardest to stop doing that and move on.
posted by Bardolph at 5:19 AM on July 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
I wish I could quote this (from the unfortunately-named Troll) a million times for truth. Every single excuse he's volunteered for his emotional distance since the hookup (not over ex; "afraid to be hurt," LOL; too impractical to be in a relationship; loves the friendship instead) would also have applied equally just before the hookup. Even if all those things are true now, they were certainly equally true beforehand, when he was laying on the compliments and leaning in for the kiss. So, empirically speaking, what we know is that (a) he's in courtship mode, until you two have some sex, and that (b) having had the sex, he actively switches into distancing mode.
That is emphatically not the behavior of someone who's interested in a relationship with you, now or ever. As you point out, since you got back home it hasn't even seemed like he's all that interested in a friendship. It doesn't make you a fool or him a villain, and I'm sure he liked you just fine. But if (as your last few lines suggest) you're cultivating romantic fantasies of meeting him again sometime, or him suddenly getting in touch and declaring his renewed love, then please try your hardest to stop doing that and move on.
posted by Bardolph at 5:19 AM on July 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Others are addressing it well; I want to make suggestions about a related issue.
I'm a girl, and I don't want to be the one to pursue it. I feel that if someone really wants you, they will find you.
This attitude will halve your chances of finding an excellent match.
I know if we're meant to meet again, it will happen.
And this attitude will multiply those same chances by 1/20. (Would you be so careless about pursuing other kinds of happiness? "I know that if I'm meant to wind up with the career I want, someone will send me a job offer without my needing to pursue one"?)
Cultivate realism rather than romanticism, and you'll minimize the odds of experiencing this sort of heartbreak in the future.
posted by foursentences at 5:33 AM on July 3, 2011 [15 favorites]
I'm a girl, and I don't want to be the one to pursue it. I feel that if someone really wants you, they will find you.
This attitude will halve your chances of finding an excellent match.
I know if we're meant to meet again, it will happen.
And this attitude will multiply those same chances by 1/20. (Would you be so careless about pursuing other kinds of happiness? "I know that if I'm meant to wind up with the career I want, someone will send me a job offer without my needing to pursue one"?)
Cultivate realism rather than romanticism, and you'll minimize the odds of experiencing this sort of heartbreak in the future.
posted by foursentences at 5:33 AM on July 3, 2011 [15 favorites]
"What do I make of the situation now?"
First of all, unfortunately, he's not that into you that way. If he was, he would be getting in touch with you. However, he realizes that you are really into him and so doesn't think communicating will be helpful because he thinks it will lead you on (and it will). If he does get in touch, he will probably be just as confused as before and none of it will make your life any easier as you're hoping he will have answers and he doesn't.
It is very unlikely the two of you will remain friends at all, but if you decide to remember this experience as being somewhat related to your trip abroad, you may in time look back on it with some fondness. It really depends on what you choose to remember about the experience and how you choose to remember it.
I think what may help in the longer run is for you to look at the dynamic of this relationship and ask yourself some questions about the kind of person you want to be with. It's clear that in this scenario he knew that you'd be willing and happy to sleep with him. In fact, you may not even have contemplated that or have been as aware of it as he was. The obvious tell is your listening to him talk about his other relationships but then being very receptive to him being more affectionate afterwards (hugging, etc.). This told him you were very available and that he could do almost no wrong. That dynamic is unhealthy. Even if he really was done with his other relationships, the fact is you had already defined yourself as being the friend to talk to, and not the one he was really into. Believe me, with your imminent departure he probably convinced himself that he was really into you, but his behaviour beforehand showed that his initial pursuits were so elsewhere that he felt totally comfortable sharing them with you (and not thinking that they would turn you off him, or whatever else).
So how does this help you? Maybe you're the kind of person that needs to really get to know someone else and develop an emotional attachment before sleeping with them, but you also want to be swept off your feet. This could lead to many repeated heartbreaks if the guy you really get to know is very vague or unavailable (because he's seeing someone else) in that initial emotional build up. It's also possible that part of the reason why you allowed him into your emotional sphere in the first place was that he was "safe" in your mind, because he was unavailable.
All of these variables will lead to similar situations happening again if you choose to allow the other person to have all the emotional power. Choose to only let men in your inner circle who are not currently entangled with other women. See if they have the patience to get to know you as a friend first. There are men out there who decide to take their time and not just date/bang everybody at once. That's the best advice I can give.
In the short term, I know the pain you're feeling as probably everyone on this forum does. I am so sorry you're feeling this way, and I think anyone else here would love to wish it away for you. It is a hole where your heart used to be and it feels like your chest has caved in. You may even be walking somewhat hunched over. It feels like the emptiness may never go away, but it will if you give it time. If ever there was a moment to get lost in a P.G. Wodehouse novel, this would be it.
posted by fantasticninety at 5:43 AM on July 3, 2011 [12 favorites]
First of all, unfortunately, he's not that into you that way. If he was, he would be getting in touch with you. However, he realizes that you are really into him and so doesn't think communicating will be helpful because he thinks it will lead you on (and it will). If he does get in touch, he will probably be just as confused as before and none of it will make your life any easier as you're hoping he will have answers and he doesn't.
It is very unlikely the two of you will remain friends at all, but if you decide to remember this experience as being somewhat related to your trip abroad, you may in time look back on it with some fondness. It really depends on what you choose to remember about the experience and how you choose to remember it.
I think what may help in the longer run is for you to look at the dynamic of this relationship and ask yourself some questions about the kind of person you want to be with. It's clear that in this scenario he knew that you'd be willing and happy to sleep with him. In fact, you may not even have contemplated that or have been as aware of it as he was. The obvious tell is your listening to him talk about his other relationships but then being very receptive to him being more affectionate afterwards (hugging, etc.). This told him you were very available and that he could do almost no wrong. That dynamic is unhealthy. Even if he really was done with his other relationships, the fact is you had already defined yourself as being the friend to talk to, and not the one he was really into. Believe me, with your imminent departure he probably convinced himself that he was really into you, but his behaviour beforehand showed that his initial pursuits were so elsewhere that he felt totally comfortable sharing them with you (and not thinking that they would turn you off him, or whatever else).
So how does this help you? Maybe you're the kind of person that needs to really get to know someone else and develop an emotional attachment before sleeping with them, but you also want to be swept off your feet. This could lead to many repeated heartbreaks if the guy you really get to know is very vague or unavailable (because he's seeing someone else) in that initial emotional build up. It's also possible that part of the reason why you allowed him into your emotional sphere in the first place was that he was "safe" in your mind, because he was unavailable.
All of these variables will lead to similar situations happening again if you choose to allow the other person to have all the emotional power. Choose to only let men in your inner circle who are not currently entangled with other women. See if they have the patience to get to know you as a friend first. There are men out there who decide to take their time and not just date/bang everybody at once. That's the best advice I can give.
In the short term, I know the pain you're feeling as probably everyone on this forum does. I am so sorry you're feeling this way, and I think anyone else here would love to wish it away for you. It is a hole where your heart used to be and it feels like your chest has caved in. You may even be walking somewhat hunched over. It feels like the emptiness may never go away, but it will if you give it time. If ever there was a moment to get lost in a P.G. Wodehouse novel, this would be it.
posted by fantasticninety at 5:43 AM on July 3, 2011 [12 favorites]
He wanted to sleep with you. He didn't want a sustained romantic relationship with you. Finally, he didn't value your "friendship" as much as you did (or claim to - as you said, there was always attraction there, you just never acted on it). That's pretty much what he was thinking.
The part he was telling you the truth about was not wanting a romantic relationship. The part he was lying about was worrying about maintaining your friendship. That, and not the fact that you're a girl, is why you shouldn't pursue this. Move on. Get lost in a book or a hobby or something.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:47 AM on July 3, 2011
The part he was telling you the truth about was not wanting a romantic relationship. The part he was lying about was worrying about maintaining your friendship. That, and not the fact that you're a girl, is why you shouldn't pursue this. Move on. Get lost in a book or a hobby or something.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:47 AM on July 3, 2011
When I read that you were a girl and wanted him to pursue you, I said to myself, "Right on, sister!!!"
It is the correct attitude and I feel really hopeful for your recovery.
It's not exactly a gender thing, but yeah, in situations like this the other person MUST step up.
I'm female. I've gotten hurt and used a lot in my younger years because I bought the canard that you should be proactive and pursue boys you liked, etc. When I did it the other way, I had happier dating experiences and kept myself in good shape until my now wonderful husband made all the right moves and one my heart and trust.
Not sure if it's a gender thing, so much as a way to be sure, "He's just that I to you!" YMMV.
posted by jbenben at 7:02 AM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
It is the correct attitude and I feel really hopeful for your recovery.
It's not exactly a gender thing, but yeah, in situations like this the other person MUST step up.
I'm female. I've gotten hurt and used a lot in my younger years because I bought the canard that you should be proactive and pursue boys you liked, etc. When I did it the other way, I had happier dating experiences and kept myself in good shape until my now wonderful husband made all the right moves and one my heart and trust.
Not sure if it's a gender thing, so much as a way to be sure, "He's just that I to you!" YMMV.
posted by jbenben at 7:02 AM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
"won" my heart. Not sure if that was me, auto-correct or a little of both.
posted by jbenben at 7:04 AM on July 3, 2011
posted by jbenben at 7:04 AM on July 3, 2011
He is shutting his emotions down because he is afraid of them or the consequences of bringing them out which might involve getting hitched (whether for life eventually or limited time). Hence, just the sleeping and the lack of expressive emotions. At the same time, he does not want to risk the friendship so he may feel that it is the ideal manner to go about it.
posted by blueshok at 7:39 AM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by blueshok at 7:39 AM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
When I read that you were a girl and wanted him to pursue you, I said to myself, "Right on, sister!!!"
It is the correct attitude and I feel really hopeful for your recovery.
Or, more likely, there is no "correct attitude" and people can choose to live their lives however they please. Nevertheless, I agree with others that waiting for someone to pursue you will reduce your future chances of happiness because of the increased number of opportunities missed.
Unfortunately, it does sound based on what you've described that he just used you for sex and had little interest in you beyond that. A guy who genuinely likes you won't ignore you and offer lame excuses after sex. I'm really sorry that this happened to you.
posted by Lobster Garden at 7:56 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I was once where you are, with someone I'd been friends with for several years. I was the one who escalated things, and finally, he appeared to reciprocate...for one night. Then there was silence from him, and excuses when he finally wasn't silent, saying the circumstances weren't right, we weren't over our respective exes, etc. All of that may or may not have been true, but as you might imagine, it's not really how I would've liked him to handle it, esp. the sudden distancing part. Anyway, it took me some time to want to pursue someone like that again—the whole episode left me thinking maybe I just shouldn't pursue anyone, that I should take opportunities as they came.
So I took easier opportunities for a while, and the next person I felt compelled to pursue...is now my husband. And when I pursued him...it was completely, deliciously different. So long story short, clearly this guy is a bit immature and unable to or refusing to be upfront and articulate with you about what he really thinks and wants. You turned out to be a person with feelings! Such a drag, when he'd just wanted to hook up, didn't you get that? don't you understand?—that's likely where his head is. It sucks, esp. when it seemed like you'd really connected previously, and he'd used that trick of having friends tell you he was into you—so genuine, right? But ultimately, you will be better off for it that he pulled this now, rather than, say, after months of correspondence. Time to gather your things and move on!
posted by limeonaire at 8:47 AM on July 3, 2011
So I took easier opportunities for a while, and the next person I felt compelled to pursue...is now my husband. And when I pursued him...it was completely, deliciously different. So long story short, clearly this guy is a bit immature and unable to or refusing to be upfront and articulate with you about what he really thinks and wants. You turned out to be a person with feelings! Such a drag, when he'd just wanted to hook up, didn't you get that? don't you understand?—that's likely where his head is. It sucks, esp. when it seemed like you'd really connected previously, and he'd used that trick of having friends tell you he was into you—so genuine, right? But ultimately, you will be better off for it that he pulled this now, rather than, say, after months of correspondence. Time to gather your things and move on!
posted by limeonaire at 8:47 AM on July 3, 2011
I think much more useful than overly gendered "he's just not that into you" stuff (which, had I followed it, would have meant that I would have never gone on a date with my husband after he canceled our first) is the metafilter truism that you Believe what people tell you about themselves. He has feelings for his ex and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. All the rest is pretty much irrelevant. He wouldn't be with you even if you were geographically close--he has feelings for his ex and doesn't want anything "serious" (ie, more than sex) with you.
Hard truths, I know. But it's time to just pack it up and move on. Someday you might be able to look back on what you had with him as a the sort of inevitably romantic experience young people have while traveling. But it's nothing more than that, and wasn't meant to be. Work on mourning for that and moving on, rather than irrationally clinging to him.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:17 AM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Hard truths, I know. But it's time to just pack it up and move on. Someday you might be able to look back on what you had with him as a the sort of inevitably romantic experience young people have while traveling. But it's nothing more than that, and wasn't meant to be. Work on mourning for that and moving on, rather than irrationally clinging to him.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:17 AM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
This question makes me feel powerless just reading it. And I can't demonize him quite as much as others can.
What does seem clear is that he didn't clearly communicate his thoughts and intentions until asked, nor hold a discussion about how you guys would handle the impending distance, then take action on that discussion, with the goal of keeping you from being hurt.
On your side, though... neither did you?
Then one night, out of nowhere, he kissed me, and I felt chemistry like no other... one thing led to another and suddenly we slept together.
It's interesting how this seems so magical. I wish it felt like you had more agency and decision making power. "I wanted him so much and I decided, I don't care that we're leaving in eight days and who-knows-what after that, I wanted to be with him now." or "I hesitated, because I didn't want just some eight day fling. I really didn't. But... I decided to take a chance. It seemed like he was falling for me, so, maybe he would agree to an LDR."
I forgive the guy for the sudden shift. It's possible that when he slept with you, he realized something (not over my ex, don't have the physical chemistry I thought we would, have so much physical chemistry that I could fall for this person too much, don't want to get hurt like with my last GF). People are allowed to change their minds. It would have been nice if he'd been forthright, or at least consistent (ie no more friendliness AND no more sex), but I really don't know what was going on for him; maybe it made sense somehow.
he stopped talking to me as much and started acting weird, ignoring me, etc, but we kept sleeping together. I asked him what was going on, and he said that we should enjoy our time together, but that he didn't want a relationship right now... didn't want things to end badly, hurt me...
So, at this point -- was this okay with you? Knowing this wouldn't continue as an LDR, you continued to hook up? It sounds like your top choice was an LDR, but hearing that it was off the table, did you think through whether you preferred to continue hooking up, or return to being friends (assuming that was possible)? It was great that you asked what's going on, and then at that point, when you had info beyond his professions of falling for you, I consider it to have been your responsibility to use that info to act in a way that you were comfortable with.
It seems kinda like you were in waiting-for-him-to-make-a-move mode, so when he did, you felt lucky and didn't use the power you had to make sure it was emotionally safe for you? In which case, this is about learning to do that. Either that or it WAS okay with you to have eight nights of hooking up knowing it wasn't going to continue thereafter, in which case, hey, fun summer fling! And the lonely come-down afterwards.
Sorry to be a bit less "on your side" than others. But I think it's actually more on your side long term to say "girl, you have power. Use it! Keep yourself emotionally safe!" But I am sympathetic about how much it sucks to fall for someone and not have it reciprocated. :( And it does sound like you had fallen pretty hard, and for awhile thought he had fallen too.
posted by salvia at 9:18 AM on July 3, 2011 [14 favorites]
What does seem clear is that he didn't clearly communicate his thoughts and intentions until asked, nor hold a discussion about how you guys would handle the impending distance, then take action on that discussion, with the goal of keeping you from being hurt.
On your side, though... neither did you?
Then one night, out of nowhere, he kissed me, and I felt chemistry like no other... one thing led to another and suddenly we slept together.
It's interesting how this seems so magical. I wish it felt like you had more agency and decision making power. "I wanted him so much and I decided, I don't care that we're leaving in eight days and who-knows-what after that, I wanted to be with him now." or "I hesitated, because I didn't want just some eight day fling. I really didn't. But... I decided to take a chance. It seemed like he was falling for me, so, maybe he would agree to an LDR."
I forgive the guy for the sudden shift. It's possible that when he slept with you, he realized something (not over my ex, don't have the physical chemistry I thought we would, have so much physical chemistry that I could fall for this person too much, don't want to get hurt like with my last GF). People are allowed to change their minds. It would have been nice if he'd been forthright, or at least consistent (ie no more friendliness AND no more sex), but I really don't know what was going on for him; maybe it made sense somehow.
he stopped talking to me as much and started acting weird, ignoring me, etc, but we kept sleeping together. I asked him what was going on, and he said that we should enjoy our time together, but that he didn't want a relationship right now... didn't want things to end badly, hurt me...
So, at this point -- was this okay with you? Knowing this wouldn't continue as an LDR, you continued to hook up? It sounds like your top choice was an LDR, but hearing that it was off the table, did you think through whether you preferred to continue hooking up, or return to being friends (assuming that was possible)? It was great that you asked what's going on, and then at that point, when you had info beyond his professions of falling for you, I consider it to have been your responsibility to use that info to act in a way that you were comfortable with.
It seems kinda like you were in waiting-for-him-to-make-a-move mode, so when he did, you felt lucky and didn't use the power you had to make sure it was emotionally safe for you? In which case, this is about learning to do that. Either that or it WAS okay with you to have eight nights of hooking up knowing it wasn't going to continue thereafter, in which case, hey, fun summer fling! And the lonely come-down afterwards.
Sorry to be a bit less "on your side" than others. But I think it's actually more on your side long term to say "girl, you have power. Use it! Keep yourself emotionally safe!" But I am sympathetic about how much it sucks to fall for someone and not have it reciprocated. :( And it does sound like you had fallen pretty hard, and for awhile thought he had fallen too.
posted by salvia at 9:18 AM on July 3, 2011 [14 favorites]
It's interesting how this seems so magical. I wish it felt like you had more agency and decision making power. "I wanted him so much and I decided, I don't care that we're leaving in eight days and who-knows-what after that, I wanted to be with him now." or "I hesitated, because I didn't want just some eight day fling. I really didn't. But... I decided to take a chance. It seemed like he was falling for me, so, maybe he would agree to an LDR."
This.
If I had one wish for women, it would be that you learn this.
I suspect most men would prefer women learn it as well. It's tough (because it goes against a lot of how we've been told the world works) but it's a very satisfying, radical thing to do.
posted by vitabellosi at 9:47 AM on July 3, 2011 [9 favorites]
This.
If I had one wish for women, it would be that you learn this.
I suspect most men would prefer women learn it as well. It's tough (because it goes against a lot of how we've been told the world works) but it's a very satisfying, radical thing to do.
posted by vitabellosi at 9:47 AM on July 3, 2011 [9 favorites]
My guess on what he was thinking - you're attractive, he wanted to have sex, but didn't want to start a LDR. The good friendship was mostly over b/c you were parting in about a week anyway. Perhaps he waited so he could have your great companionship during the time abroad and still act out his attraction.
He stopped talking to you afterwards as much b/c he didn't want to give you the idea that you two should be an LDR and that this was the start of a serious romance. Perhaps he has a code similar to some guys I've known who believe it's OK to sleep with a girl a few times but anything more than that and you should be willing to be in a serious relationship.
In general, it sounds like he has more experience in the sex and dating department and perhaps the interactions between you two weren't quite as emotionally intense for him, though I'm sure the level of intensity between you two made for a tempting and eventually exciting sexual encounter.
Also, he sounds European, and you sound like a US citizen. As a gross generalization, European men sometimes will talk more openly of 'love,' appear emotionally open, etc. to women from the US, and come across as very honest and very interested in deep and lasting relationships. Sometimes this is a bit of a misimpression, however, and simply a different way of communicating between the sexes.
I hope this experience doesn't turn you off to romance and sex. Grow and learn from each experience and try to find your personal balance between the emotional and physical, and your expectations for relationships. Best wishes.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 10:40 AM on July 3, 2011
He stopped talking to you afterwards as much b/c he didn't want to give you the idea that you two should be an LDR and that this was the start of a serious romance. Perhaps he has a code similar to some guys I've known who believe it's OK to sleep with a girl a few times but anything more than that and you should be willing to be in a serious relationship.
In general, it sounds like he has more experience in the sex and dating department and perhaps the interactions between you two weren't quite as emotionally intense for him, though I'm sure the level of intensity between you two made for a tempting and eventually exciting sexual encounter.
Also, he sounds European, and you sound like a US citizen. As a gross generalization, European men sometimes will talk more openly of 'love,' appear emotionally open, etc. to women from the US, and come across as very honest and very interested in deep and lasting relationships. Sometimes this is a bit of a misimpression, however, and simply a different way of communicating between the sexes.
I hope this experience doesn't turn you off to romance and sex. Grow and learn from each experience and try to find your personal balance between the emotional and physical, and your expectations for relationships. Best wishes.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 10:40 AM on July 3, 2011
I'd like to jump in here just to briefly address the whole "I'm a girl and I don't want to be the one to pursue it" issue. I don't think the OP is saying that no woman should pursue any man ever; she's saying that in this situation she doesn't feel that she should have to be the one to reach out, make the bulk of the effort to maintain contact or initiate discussions of the situation.
And with this, I wholeheartedly agree. I favorited jbenben's comment above with much glee and enthusiasm, because, OP, I truly think that the best thing you could do for yourself (and potentially for him) is to try and get yourself some distance from the situation. This means, don't contact him, don't check your phone/email/whatever every 15 minutes wondering if he's gotten in touch with you. Try your hardest to fill your time with friends, enjoyable activities, and a healthy routine. It might now seem like that pain and confusion will always be there, but it won't. While you can't make it all go away like magic, you can take positive steps toward minimizing the amount of space that this situation occupies in your head and heart.
OP, I'm really, really sorry for your pain. I've been there - I bet everyone who even read this question has their own version of That Dude. I hope that some good can come out of it for you, as oddly it tends to. I hope this teaches you that you do have some agency over the way people treat you, I hope it teaches you more about what YOU want and do not want when it comes to relationships with others. "Boundaries" are a favorite topic of discussion here on MeFi, and (because?) learning to set them is freaking HARD. It really does often take situations like this for people to really internalize, "Hey, this was a shitty way for this person to have treated me - I don't think I'll allow anyone else to treat me that way!" This particular guy may or may not be an asshole, but the fact is glaring that the way he treated you is not making you happy, it is in fact making you feel like shit. Therefore, you need to decide what your boundaries will be with regard to him and any future "friend" relationship that you and he may share. Distancing yourself from him now will be the best thing you can do w/r/t this potential friendship.
Sorry that got long! :o I wish you all the best, and I hope that in time you can look back on this episode with fondness rather than heartache.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:48 AM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
And with this, I wholeheartedly agree. I favorited jbenben's comment above with much glee and enthusiasm, because, OP, I truly think that the best thing you could do for yourself (and potentially for him) is to try and get yourself some distance from the situation. This means, don't contact him, don't check your phone/email/whatever every 15 minutes wondering if he's gotten in touch with you. Try your hardest to fill your time with friends, enjoyable activities, and a healthy routine. It might now seem like that pain and confusion will always be there, but it won't. While you can't make it all go away like magic, you can take positive steps toward minimizing the amount of space that this situation occupies in your head and heart.
OP, I'm really, really sorry for your pain. I've been there - I bet everyone who even read this question has their own version of That Dude. I hope that some good can come out of it for you, as oddly it tends to. I hope this teaches you that you do have some agency over the way people treat you, I hope it teaches you more about what YOU want and do not want when it comes to relationships with others. "Boundaries" are a favorite topic of discussion here on MeFi, and (because?) learning to set them is freaking HARD. It really does often take situations like this for people to really internalize, "Hey, this was a shitty way for this person to have treated me - I don't think I'll allow anyone else to treat me that way!" This particular guy may or may not be an asshole, but the fact is glaring that the way he treated you is not making you happy, it is in fact making you feel like shit. Therefore, you need to decide what your boundaries will be with regard to him and any future "friend" relationship that you and he may share. Distancing yourself from him now will be the best thing you can do w/r/t this potential friendship.
Sorry that got long! :o I wish you all the best, and I hope that in time you can look back on this episode with fondness rather than heartache.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:48 AM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
All this about not wanting to pursue it because you're a girl: I think a more lucid reason would be because you've been exploited and you don't want to go out of your way to volunteer for more exploitation.
All this about if it's meant to happen it will: I thinl a more lucid view would be that, sonce he is the one who destroyed the friendship and pissed on your feelings, it's up to him to rebuild bridges and earn your forgiveness.
The reason why women wait to be pursued is because they want reassurance that the man wants them enough to put forth effort to get them and is not just taking what's offered. The object is to avoid being treated the way you've been treated.
However, while waiting to be pursued will screen out a lot of men who don't consider you worth the effort and would rather stick with women who just offer themselves, it doesn't protect you from the flat-out liar, which is what this guy is. He pursued you, but in a setting which made it easy for him to use you and slough all the costs onto you. Unfortunately you have to keep an eye on the given circumstances as well as on who takes the initiative.
posted by tel3path at 11:32 AM on July 3, 2011 [7 favorites]
All this about if it's meant to happen it will: I thinl a more lucid view would be that, sonce he is the one who destroyed the friendship and pissed on your feelings, it's up to him to rebuild bridges and earn your forgiveness.
The reason why women wait to be pursued is because they want reassurance that the man wants them enough to put forth effort to get them and is not just taking what's offered. The object is to avoid being treated the way you've been treated.
However, while waiting to be pursued will screen out a lot of men who don't consider you worth the effort and would rather stick with women who just offer themselves, it doesn't protect you from the flat-out liar, which is what this guy is. He pursued you, but in a setting which made it easy for him to use you and slough all the costs onto you. Unfortunately you have to keep an eye on the given circumstances as well as on who takes the initiative.
posted by tel3path at 11:32 AM on July 3, 2011 [7 favorites]
Given the way he handled the situation -- even if he didn't mean badly -- I think you dodged a big fat bullet. Would you like to have been treated this poorly throughout a relationship?
posted by bunji at 11:56 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by bunji at 11:56 AM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh, and. One more Columbo-style thing.
"after the first time, he stopped talking to me as much and started acting weird, ignoring me, etc, but we kept sleeping together"
Pro tip: next time a guy is rude to you, don't reward his rudeness with blowjobs.
posted by tel3path at 12:59 PM on July 3, 2011 [16 favorites]
"after the first time, he stopped talking to me as much and started acting weird, ignoring me, etc, but we kept sleeping together"
Pro tip: next time a guy is rude to you, don't reward his rudeness with blowjobs.
posted by tel3path at 12:59 PM on July 3, 2011 [16 favorites]
Was he studying abroad too? I think there's a fair to middling chance his "ex" was no such thing, but actually an ongoing relationship back home, that meant it was impossible for him to continue things with you, no matter how strongly he really felt for you.
posted by roofus at 1:21 PM on July 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by roofus at 1:21 PM on July 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'm a girl, and I don't want to be the one to pursue it. I feel that if someone really wants you, they will find you.
This is partly true, and partly not. There's nothing wrong with acting interested in someone and taking the initiative to contact him. But it is really important that he meets you halfway, because you can't row that boat all by yourself — and I would give this same advice to a guy who posted this exact question. So no, not a good idea to pursue this particular guy. He knows you're available and it's up to him to step up to the plate. Pursuing him now would only lead to him taking you for granted, or perhaps even treating you worse in an effort to brush you off.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I've been there and it sucks and I never forgave the guys for acting the way they did. In future, to protect yourself from similar situations, if you want a relationship with someone, make sure you're in one before you sleep with him.
posted by orange swan at 3:49 PM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is partly true, and partly not. There's nothing wrong with acting interested in someone and taking the initiative to contact him. But it is really important that he meets you halfway, because you can't row that boat all by yourself — and I would give this same advice to a guy who posted this exact question. So no, not a good idea to pursue this particular guy. He knows you're available and it's up to him to step up to the plate. Pursuing him now would only lead to him taking you for granted, or perhaps even treating you worse in an effort to brush you off.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I've been there and it sucks and I never forgave the guys for acting the way they did. In future, to protect yourself from similar situations, if you want a relationship with someone, make sure you're in one before you sleep with him.
posted by orange swan at 3:49 PM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: But what do I make of the situation now?
I strongly suggest you accept that he treated you like someone he didn't care about. I'm not saying you shouldn't be heartbroken, or that you should get over him because you dodged a bullet, or that it's weird you have feelings for him. I just think you need to accept that he chose to treat you the way he did. It wasn't an accident.
He chose to make a first move even though he (says he) still had feelings for his ex and knew the two of you were leaving in a week. He chose to treat you unkindly and disrespectfully afterward.
The stuff about "if we're meant to meet again" suggests that you don't get that he chose those things--or that he gets a pass because you think this relationship could be "meant to be." I think you need to, as suggested above, shift your thinking to give yourself some agency. By that I don't mean that you should pursue him. What I mean is, stop thinking about what's "meant" to happen, and start thinking about what you're willing to accept from another person. Decide whether you'd have a relationship with him if he apologized for his behavior. Decide whether you'd have a relationship with him if he didn't.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:37 PM on July 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
I strongly suggest you accept that he treated you like someone he didn't care about. I'm not saying you shouldn't be heartbroken, or that you should get over him because you dodged a bullet, or that it's weird you have feelings for him. I just think you need to accept that he chose to treat you the way he did. It wasn't an accident.
He chose to make a first move even though he (says he) still had feelings for his ex and knew the two of you were leaving in a week. He chose to treat you unkindly and disrespectfully afterward.
The stuff about "if we're meant to meet again" suggests that you don't get that he chose those things--or that he gets a pass because you think this relationship could be "meant to be." I think you need to, as suggested above, shift your thinking to give yourself some agency. By that I don't mean that you should pursue him. What I mean is, stop thinking about what's "meant" to happen, and start thinking about what you're willing to accept from another person. Decide whether you'd have a relationship with him if he apologized for his behavior. Decide whether you'd have a relationship with him if he didn't.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:37 PM on July 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you so much for all the advice, everyone. It's a bitter medicine to swallow, but it's a necessary one. FYI, he called to apologize for how he treated me while at the airport, which I forgot to mention, and has emailed me twice since posting this last night. But I think the distance right now is for the best. I don't want to be treated like this again - I want to be treated like someone who is worth it. Completely correct with the bullet-dodging issue.
He was Latin, not European, which I guess may be on par with the same thing. Thanks again.
posted by shotinthedark at 12:02 AM on July 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
He was Latin, not European, which I guess may be on par with the same thing. Thanks again.
posted by shotinthedark at 12:02 AM on July 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Not the same thing. Worse.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 12:50 AM on July 4, 2011
posted by Busy Old Fool at 12:50 AM on July 4, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm not saying he wasn't fond of you, but I think he used that fondness to exploit you rather than to treat you well. Giving him some benefit of the doubt, the emotional distance and unfriendliness was probably an expression of his feeling guilty on some level, combined with knowing he had nothing to lose by being rude to you.
I'm sorry. What an absolutely brutal thing to have happened.
posted by tel3path at 2:41 AM on July 3, 2011 [23 favorites]