Dancing With Partner Brings Out Issue of Self-Confidence

April 28, 2011 8:36 PM

I am beginning to dance with female partners and I am terrified. Help!

I have been taking private swing dance classes for almost 9 months. I've been working with a male instructor. The reasons why are many.....I've always wanted to swing dance, to learn how to lead, my partner got me into it before she passed away and I feel it is really good for me to do. It's good for my brain (I've had head injuries and also the taking direction from someone else and applying it is very important. I am pretty much self-taught in a lot of things)

I haven't gone to any actual clubs as I keep putting it off. I keep thinking I am not good enough yet, don't want to look like an idiot, yadda, yadda!

I go to a friends studio every Friday night. She's a fashion designer whose work is hand-knitted. We got into a Facebook thread about how we are both musical theatre nerds and last Friday I mentioned that I was taking swing classes. I think a mentioned I still haven't worked with a partner and she said "I'll be your partner" (She was an almost professional dancer) I said ok and we decided to meet at her studio and practice.

We met tonight. Already I was nervous because I realize that there is intimacy involved for it to work well (Looking each other in the eyes, trust, etc) I feel insanely awkward and shy because we will be that close. I don't know what to say or make small talk to help break the ice. I keep telling myself to not apologize when I think I mess up. We begin and I forget pretty much everything I learned. I am not looking at her much of the time. I remember 2 - 3 basic steps but not enough to feel as if I am am doing them completely.

In my favor

1) She hasn't practiced swing.
2) My partner was taking dance lessons to learn how to "follow" as she was a take charge-type and always leading. Emilie, I feel, is the same. I didn't feel like I had a lot to play with.

I left her studio in a panic. I felt awkward, not knowing what to say. I feel like I sucked with her thinking "ewww. He's gross!" I feel now like an open-wound with all my issues regarding lack of self-confidence open to the world.

I want to send her an e-mail. I felt shy and awkward. I feel like a 12 year-old doing this. I'd like to continue. If it's uncomfortable for you I understand. You're under no obligation to continue. It's cool that it was a one time thing and that you were game to try. I don't want to apologize for anything.

1) I have to say something to her - either to stop or continue on.
2) The issue of self-confidence has come to a blinding light. How am I
going to deal with partners in the future. I don't want to say I am
sorry for every misstep I take. I don't want to be pitied. I also
don't want to be scorned.

Advice????

posted by goalyeehah to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Response by poster: Rereading this it's clear to me this is more than just self-confidence in dance.
posted by goalyeehah at 8:38 PM on April 28, 2011

Best answer: If she doesn't want to continue, she won't. Don't send an email saying it was weird for you - she's a dancer, so presumably she's used to working with a partner, and the eye-contact and etc. probably wasn't weird for her so don't MAKE it weird. She agreed to dance with you and that's what happened. There's nothing to apologize for!
posted by moxiedoll at 9:04 PM on April 28, 2011

Yeah, if she was a dancer, it's not going to be weird for her. And keep in mind, she has no reason to think it's usually weird for you, either.

Deep breaths. Learning to dance with someone is a process. She knows it. You're discovering it now.
posted by Jairus at 9:06 PM on April 28, 2011

Best answer: Are you shitting me? has she looked at your website?
"dear diary--I went swing dancing with this total hottie! What happens next?"
Relax.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:20 PM on April 28, 2011

Best answer: Learning to dance is great for confidence - it really got me out of my shell in my early 20's, but it was a long uphill battle, and I would never have become the good dancer I became without plenty of pity-based help that I got in the first year I danced. Don't underestimate the value of pity!

Also, 14 years of dancing later, I would still find it kind of awkward to get together one on one with a woman to work on dancing. So that weirdness isn't a sign that you can't enjoy social dancing.

You should add group lessons with a rotation to your process, and get out and do some social dancing.

Group lessons are great because you're exposed to more follows, but for less time at a shot, so there's less pressure. You also start to get a sense of when something doesn't work with one person, it's her, if it doesn't work with anyone, it's you.

The surprising thing that I've learned from women about social dance is that the people that they like dancing with aren't necessarily who you'd think. You might walk into the dance and see the super awesome lead doing lots of cool moves and stuff, and assume that follows would most want to dance with that person - but very often it's leads who offer interesting conversation and pay attention to them that make for favorite dance partners.

What kind of swing is it?
posted by kevin is... at 9:22 PM on April 28, 2011 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: He comes from NY. What kind I am not sure of. I know he has mentioned it has roots in the Lindy Hop. I don't know if all swing comes from that or just the style he teaches. We are alsop doing variations on the Charleston.
posted by goalyeehah at 9:32 PM on April 28, 2011

You might want to let her know that you liked dancing with her, and hope that she'll bear with you while you're still in the process of becoming less awkward about it.

Already I was nervous because I realize that there is intimacy involved for it to work well (Looking each other in the eyes, trust, etc)

Be careful with this assumption. You can dance with flawless technique without intimacy, and to many (most?) people the concept seems tied up in Hollywood dance-movie romance perceptions. I think you're setting yourself up with baggage and notions that shouldn't be there, and it's THAT stuff that is making you nervous.
If you can have a guy dancer in your personal space and be professional about it, but when it's a girl then your head goes all over the place, then you're putting too much emphasis on intimacy stuff.

My guess is that you're attracted to her. Yeah, that'll make it harder :-)
posted by -harlequin- at 9:38 PM on April 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

I agree with kevin about trying group lessons. I took social dance classes at a club in NYC for a while a year or two ago, and, while there were lots of couples, there were also plenty of unpartnered people (like me), and the instructors had us switch partners after each new step we learned. It kept things interesting - we were all beginners or intermediate, so, I don't remember ever feeling scornful of a fellow student. Everyone was doing the best they could; there were certainly some guys who lead more smoothly than others, but, I know I wasn't perfect either. And, being partnered with someone 'bad' could be kind of interesting in an academic way, because everyone was bad in different ways.
posted by oh yeah! at 9:47 PM on April 28, 2011

I'd also third the above recommendation of group classes - not only it is really helpful (as mentioned) to get a chance to dance with different people who struggle with different aspects of the dance (as you would in a swing club), but if you're going to a group class every, say, Monday, probably two thirds of the people there will be regulars like yourself, you'll get to know them simply by being around each other regularly, and then when you want to go to a club, you'll probably have people you know who may be interested in making it a group outing.

You're a bit daunted by the idea of going to a swing club, and it's a lot easier and less daunting to do if you're there with people you know.
posted by -harlequin- at 9:53 PM on April 28, 2011

Give yourself permission to feel awkward for a while. You're only human; it's natural. Be awkward now, move through it, and then, when you get bored with being awkward, you can focus on something else. You may burn through a dance partner or two, but probably not.
posted by amtho at 10:21 PM on April 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I've been ballroom dancing for many years and have danced with a lot of beginner men. I think that what you are describing sounds perfectly normal for someone who hasn't danced with a partner before.

1) I would second that a dance practice with just one other person is always going to be awkward and intimate and a bit embarrassing until you know them better in a dancing sense. I would say that you'd find group lessons or social dancing easier once you get over the initial nerves.

2) In a way you've made it worse for yourself because you have waited until quite a late stage to actually dance rather than just learning. Most of the classes in the club I learned at make you change partners after every single dance so that you get used to dancing with lots of different people. This means that beginners are quite used to kicking each other and stamping on toes and the good natured apologising that goes alongside that.

3) In the culture I live in, touching strangers or even friends is not normal. Dancing requires that and it will take a while for it not to feel intimate. It can be intimate (as friends or as more) but it doesn't have to be. Touching doesn't make intimacy when it's in a context like that.

4) As beginners, men have more pressure on them because they have to think about lead as well as steps. It's natural to freeze and only be able to think of 2-3 basic steps. You can always stop and say "Hey, do you know this step? I recently learned it, can we just walk it through first?"

Good for you for taking the plunge and trying it out with a friend. You've done the hardest bit. It's all downhill from here!
posted by kadia_a at 12:12 AM on April 29, 2011

I feel that, perhaps, this has something to do with your partner who passed away and the associations you have with her and dance. Maybe that's the first issue to address.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 2:29 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

It's not really normally considered weird. At the dance classes I've been too they would have you rotate through and all the girls would dance with all the guys. It's not really a big deal.
posted by delmoi at 2:50 AM on April 29, 2011

Best answer: In my experience, 60% of swing dancing is about getting on the floor a lot and asking for a dance. 20% is relaxing. 18% is about communicating/connecting with your partner - not necessarily intimately, and 2% knowing the moves.

Now, a lot of dance workshops begin with breathing exercises for relaxation. There is also a ton of practice involved in just being able to remember those basic 6 or 8 count "basics," and a lot more practice to being able to smoothly execute the turns - because the turns involve timing and communication. Particularly, timing the communication, and meaningful communication. You have to do particular things with your body and your partners body to make sure the follow understands what you have in mind. If your physical connection - the frame of your arm and the follows is not good, your message may get lost.

Now. For how to improve these things? How to always remember which foot goes where in the basic? Practice at home, every day, basic basic basic, to at least one entire song. Only the basic for now. Just do it. Also, more importantly, go to social dances, ask for dances with new dancers and with follows who are "obviously very scary good." Sure, some of the follows will turn you down. They might be tired, thirsty, have already promised a dance to another lead, have an injury that prevents them from dancing with new leads (a bad shoulder or knee can require special leading), or they may just not like your style on the floor. Don't try to guess which of these reasons causes a follow to decline your request for a dance. Just keep asking for dances. Suss out what workshops keep getting mentioned. Go to workshops. What's that you say? You don't know where the social dancing happens in LA?

I looked that up for you.

The dance community is very open to male follows. If, as you say, you are more comfortable taking direction, you can do that in swing dancing. My friend Tamar teaches a great class here in Florida called Feeding the Lollows, and it's great for improving your "expected" role if you pick up some of the skills required of the opposite role. The connection and communication improves because you know what it feels like to be on the other end of a dance gesture. So at the social dances, you'll probably see two guys dancing together, and you'll often see pairs of women dancing together. Talk to those people. Talk to the women leads and the male follows. And talk to the male leads who are comfortable having male follows. They don't all teach, but they know great teachers, and are often some of the most kind dance partners.

But more importantly, go out and dance! And don't forget to breathe.

For further information
A socal swing message board.
list of dances local to Pasadena
posted by bilabial at 4:00 AM on April 29, 2011

Best answer: I can't dance. At all. That said --

I want to send her an e-mail. I felt shy and awkward. I feel like a 12 year-old doing this. I'd like to continue.

That's about where your email should stop.

If it's uncomfortable for you I understand.

You're projecting your discomfort onto her. Tell her how YOU feel, not how she feels.

You're under no obligation to continue.

Surely she knows this.

It's cool that it was a one time thing and that you were game to try.

You're presuming to know what she is and isn't up for. When you catch yourself saying things that imply you know things about her feelings that she hasn't actually told you, stop.

Given the loss of your partner, it makes perfect sense to me that this would be a high-stakes thing. I'm guessing your struggle is more about vulnerability than it is about skill. Doing this is an emotional risk, and no amount of dancing excellence is going to make it feel totally safe. If it did, it would cease to be fun anyhow.

If this partner is worth working with, she's probably sensitive to your circumstance. Give yourself time to quiet down, and then give it another shot.
posted by jon1270 at 5:27 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

Every dancer has been where you are and knows the frustration and lack of confidence that you feel. Some advanced dancers lack the social skills to accept a beginner's mistakes but if she hasn't said something cruel to you yet, then she is above that. Eventually you will get past the awkward stage but it takes practice and concentration. Don't wreck your concentration by thinking of your partner as anything more than a dance partner. Sure, it can be distracting dancing with an attractive partner but when you start to read too much into it you will end more frustrated. It is up to your partner whether they want to keep dancing with you but don't make it weird.

Dance and have fun.
posted by JJ86 at 8:41 AM on April 29, 2011

Best answer: goalyeehah, I want to personally invite you to attend a contra dance in the LA area. I know it's not swing, but you will learn a lot about partner dancing in a warm and comfortable environment. We change partners for every dance and there is a lesson at the beginning of each evening, and the caller also walks you through each dance before hand and continues to call until the dancers are all "getting it". There is a certain level of flirtation built into Contra Dance, but really it's up to you as to how flirty you want to be. We have people who have been dancing for years who still have trouble making eye contact.
Don't come to the dance tonight, because it's what's known as a zesty dance and there is no lesson at the beginning. Wait and come next week in Brentwood. The caller is fabulous and the band is a treat. My husband and I will both be there. We have people of all ages and abilities and welcome newcomers. Memail me if you decide to come and I'll be on the look out for you.
posted by jvilter at 9:05 AM on April 30, 2011

Best answer: It sounds like you are experiencing some things that are typical for beginning leads. In my area, there are also plenty of beginning leads who experience social awkwardness and a possible lack of confidence, since people are very forgiving. I know a couple of guys who have improved over time so that now I am happy to dance with them, even if they still only know two moves and are a little awkward with eye contact; I can see them trying and maintaining a commitment, and that is the best.

1) I have to say something to her - either to stop or continue on. Continue on! It sounds like this is a helpful practice for you.
2) The issue of self-confidence has come to a blinding light. In my experience, time and smart exposure will help with this. How am I going to deal with partners in the future. I don't want to say I am sorry for every misstep I take. When I am dancing, I notice that I tend to look down and say sorry. It helps me to take a couple of seconds at the beginning of a group class to establish my base persona -- eyes up and looking around, abs strong, breath deep, shoulders back, arms relaxed/tight/whatever they're supposed to be. I think, I am going to keep my eyes above [x] level -- I don't have to look at the person's eyes (I find that awkward most of the time), but do have to have a soft, open gaze. Then, I try to bite back the "Sorry"s even if it feels very awkward that I've just done something wrong and haven't acknowledged it. Smiling works for that. I don't want to be pitied. I also
don't want to be scorned. Sadly, you can't control these things because they have to do with other people. If you are dancing and doing your best and staying positive, I say you are excellent!
posted by ramenopres at 3:06 PM on May 2, 2011

*I have to add that I was happy to dance with the leads I referred to even in the beginning, too; it is just easier now that I know they're not creepy, but really want to dance. Honestly, if you aren't giving off a creep vibe and keep showing up, I think things will improve for you! And how great that you have practiced with a partner!
posted by ramenopres at 3:08 PM on May 2, 2011

Response by poster: Saw her for the first time last night. No blowback : ) Brought up the idea of taking lessons together as my teacher has suggested it. She said yes. Then talked for about 4 hours afterwards
posted by goalyeehah at 9:02 AM on May 7, 2011