Facebook friends
April 18, 2011 2:31 PM Subscribe
I have an old friend Ned (who is not friends with any of my other friends) on facebook. I comment on and discuss many things with this Ned. My other friends (who are not friends with Ned, live in a different state, have never met Ned, and have no connection to him except my existence!) show up on Ned's page liking what I have said and occasionally even adding to the discussion.
I don't fell comfortable asking Ned to change his privacy settings, but I would prefer my friends to not see and interact with everything I see and say on Ned's page. It feels intrusive.
I logged into my husband's account to see and pretty much it looks like whenever I do anything on Ned's page, it shows up in everyone's common newsfeeds.
I *really* want to stop this. It's at the point where I have been deleting my comments on Ned's page because I really don't want to get into a discussion with another friend about something from Ned's page.
Is there anything I can do on my end to stop this nonsense?
I don't fell comfortable asking Ned to change his privacy settings, but I would prefer my friends to not see and interact with everything I see and say on Ned's page. It feels intrusive.
I logged into my husband's account to see and pretty much it looks like whenever I do anything on Ned's page, it shows up in everyone's common newsfeeds.
I *really* want to stop this. It's at the point where I have been deleting my comments on Ned's page because I really don't want to get into a discussion with another friend about something from Ned's page.
Is there anything I can do on my end to stop this nonsense?
Direct messaging him would do it. Clearly you want this information to be seen by Ned and Ned alone. Why not DM?
Wall posts are meant to be public. Anything you want done privately should be done directly.
posted by inturnaround at 2:35 PM on April 18, 2011 [11 favorites]
Wall posts are meant to be public. Anything you want done privately should be done directly.
posted by inturnaround at 2:35 PM on April 18, 2011 [11 favorites]
Yeah, what you are describing is what Facebook is for. If you want to have a private conversation with Ned, use email.
posted by ook at 2:39 PM on April 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by ook at 2:39 PM on April 18, 2011 [6 favorites]
If you aren't comfortable with the chance that these discussions would be seen publicly, take it to a more secure location, such as email or Facebook messaging. Facebook regularly changes their privacy settings so that even if you were to get things setup the right way today, chances are in the future they would be changed again and made public. So just take it where the controls are set and you won't have to worry about it.
posted by msbutah at 2:40 PM on April 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by msbutah at 2:40 PM on April 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you did want to do this, you'd have to change the privacy setting for every wall post you make that you wanted to be private. It's much easier, as I said before, to DM.
Here's a video describing the process.
posted by inturnaround at 2:42 PM on April 18, 2011
Here's a video describing the process.
posted by inturnaround at 2:42 PM on April 18, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I am hoping there is another solution since the discussions are most often based off of Ned's wall posts, and involve several other of Ned's friends. So direct messaging doesn't really work. If it can't be done (which is what I am hearing) then that's how it is I guess.
posted by skjønn at 2:44 PM on April 18, 2011
posted by skjønn at 2:44 PM on April 18, 2011
yeah, when you delete those notifications it deletes it from your wall, but not everyone's wall. i think ned changing his privacy settings to not show friends of friends things would fix it, but like you said, asking him to change his stuff isn't really a good solution.
like others have suggested, you'll have to DM him or not participate in the conversations you don't want to have with everyone. you could also set up two facebook accounts - one for everyone and one more restricted. seems like more trouble than it's worth, though.
posted by nadawi at 2:44 PM on April 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
like others have suggested, you'll have to DM him or not participate in the conversations you don't want to have with everyone. you could also set up two facebook accounts - one for everyone and one more restricted. seems like more trouble than it's worth, though.
posted by nadawi at 2:44 PM on April 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Try creating friend lists and keep Ned in a separate one from others. Under account->privacy settings, you can specify exceptions based on the friends list.
posted by theobserver at 2:45 PM on April 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by theobserver at 2:45 PM on April 18, 2011 [2 favorites]
You could make a private FB group page for "Friends of Ned," of which you are one. (I'm sure you could think of a better name for the group, but that's what it would be.)
posted by tomboko at 3:18 PM on April 18, 2011
posted by tomboko at 3:18 PM on April 18, 2011
I logged into my husband's account to see and pretty much it looks like whenever I do anything on Ned's page, it shows up in everyone's common newsfeeds.
Your friends are most likely seeing notices in their news feeds when you do things on Ned's profile (including commenting on his status updates, posting on his wall, commenting on his photos or notes, etc.) because you aren't deleting the notices that show up on your wall when you do things on Ned's profile. The notices about your Facebook actions that show up on your wall are the same thing that shows up in others' news feeds.
Every time I make a comment on someone else's wall or post or whatever, I make sure to go back to my wall and delete the automatic post that appears there. Sometimes I have to wait a while before it appears on my wall, and then go back and delete it. Deleting those notifications on your wall will not remove the original post on Ned's profile, but will make sure that your friends don't see them.
posted by limeonaire at 3:43 PM on April 18, 2011
Your friends are most likely seeing notices in their news feeds when you do things on Ned's profile (including commenting on his status updates, posting on his wall, commenting on his photos or notes, etc.) because you aren't deleting the notices that show up on your wall when you do things on Ned's profile. The notices about your Facebook actions that show up on your wall are the same thing that shows up in others' news feeds.
Every time I make a comment on someone else's wall or post or whatever, I make sure to go back to my wall and delete the automatic post that appears there. Sometimes I have to wait a while before it appears on my wall, and then go back and delete it. Deleting those notifications on your wall will not remove the original post on Ned's profile, but will make sure that your friends don't see them.
posted by limeonaire at 3:43 PM on April 18, 2011
How about using another medium like email or instant messaging, ie- getting off facebook.
posted by TheBones at 3:54 PM on April 18, 2011
posted by TheBones at 3:54 PM on April 18, 2011
I am hoping there is another solution
Enjoy it? +1 that that is what Facebook is for; I think you misunderstand the nature of these 'wall'-based chats. That is a lovely thing about Facebook, that one's rock-collecting middle school chum can chit-chat with one's neighbour's rock-collecting husband. I find it a great pleasure to make those sorts of introductions between friends and am flattered when somebody makes one for me.
(limeonaire's quick-deleting idea won't work; if something is going to appear in people's feeds, it is going to appear in people's feeds, and while quickly deleting it on one's own page might keep it from people who are not logged in at that time, it will still be seen by people who are there as it happens, if that follows)
I think most people who make status updates don't want to hear about them extensively outside of status updates -- I think you would be wise to go forward on the assumption that Ned is posting stuff to interest his friends on Facebook and to generate discussion amongst his Facebook pals. Stuff you see on people's walls is not meant to be a one-on-one conversation and if it 'feels intrusive' to participate in public discussion there, if you don't like the 'likes,' this is probably not the right medium for you?
posted by kmennie at 4:00 PM on April 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Enjoy it? +1 that that is what Facebook is for; I think you misunderstand the nature of these 'wall'-based chats. That is a lovely thing about Facebook, that one's rock-collecting middle school chum can chit-chat with one's neighbour's rock-collecting husband. I find it a great pleasure to make those sorts of introductions between friends and am flattered when somebody makes one for me.
(limeonaire's quick-deleting idea won't work; if something is going to appear in people's feeds, it is going to appear in people's feeds, and while quickly deleting it on one's own page might keep it from people who are not logged in at that time, it will still be seen by people who are there as it happens, if that follows)
I think most people who make status updates don't want to hear about them extensively outside of status updates -- I think you would be wise to go forward on the assumption that Ned is posting stuff to interest his friends on Facebook and to generate discussion amongst his Facebook pals. Stuff you see on people's walls is not meant to be a one-on-one conversation and if it 'feels intrusive' to participate in public discussion there, if you don't like the 'likes,' this is probably not the right medium for you?
posted by kmennie at 4:00 PM on April 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
limeonaire: "because you aren't deleting the notices that show up on your wall when you do things on Ned's profile."
The OP stated she/he does this in the first comment.
posted by IndigoRain at 4:02 PM on April 18, 2011
The OP stated she/he does this in the first comment.
posted by IndigoRain at 4:02 PM on April 18, 2011
Yep, I do this too. Interacting with FOAFs or acquaintances in a commentary way is pretty much my only use of Facebook after everybody else gets done saying how much it doesn't get any better than a Coors Light with pork tenderloin. I'm not sure how well telling your friends that Ned is your friend and your friend only is going to go over. In this day and age it may just qualify as crazy talk.
posted by rhizome at 4:45 PM on April 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 4:45 PM on April 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
Facebook is the equivalent of a conversation on the sidewalk. You never know which of your acquaintances will stroll up and join the conversation and it is impossible to have a private conversation on a social networking site, so do it elsewhere.
Why mess with settings and trying to tell your friends they can't talk to your other friends? This is junior-high behavior. Instead call or email Ned to comment on what he posts on facebook. That way your privacy is ensured.
posted by pink candy floss at 5:12 PM on April 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
Why mess with settings and trying to tell your friends they can't talk to your other friends? This is junior-high behavior. Instead call or email Ned to comment on what he posts on facebook. That way your privacy is ensured.
posted by pink candy floss at 5:12 PM on April 18, 2011 [3 favorites]
Enjoy it? +1 that that is what Facebook is for; I think you misunderstand the nature of these 'wall'-based chats. That is a lovely thing about Facebook, that one's rock-collecting middle school chum can chit-chat with one's neighbour's rock-collecting husband. I find it a great pleasure to make those sorts of introductions between friends and am flattered when somebody makes one for me.
+1. These kind of weird, free-roaming debates are the best part of Facebook.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:36 PM on April 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
+1. These kind of weird, free-roaming debates are the best part of Facebook.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:36 PM on April 18, 2011 [1 favorite]
I kinda dont understand why you want to stop this.
Not to get too chat-filtery, but some of us have friends that are barbecue enthusiasts and friends that are vegetarians, or friends that are knitters and friends that are crocheters, or friends that are professional dominatrixes and friends who are Jehovah's Witnessess, and while we like all of our friends for different reasons and they like us, what we do not like is having to defend A's lifestyle choices to B or step in to prevent them having snark-offs on each other's walls, or stand around explaining what we could possibly see in a person who does Y. Different strokes, eh?
But yeah, OP, you'd be better off holding back, you only real options here are to ask Ned to change his settings on your behalf or take it to DM or email or simply file it away to ask him about next time you see him for real. Facebook is of the philosophy that everyone in your life should be entitled to know pretty much everything about you and that if you don't like that you're a freak, and has a habit of willy-nilly changing its privacy setting to subtly nudge people into compliance with its gestalt.
posted by Diablevert at 6:52 PM on April 18, 2011
Not to get too chat-filtery, but some of us have friends that are barbecue enthusiasts and friends that are vegetarians, or friends that are knitters and friends that are crocheters, or friends that are professional dominatrixes and friends who are Jehovah's Witnessess, and while we like all of our friends for different reasons and they like us, what we do not like is having to defend A's lifestyle choices to B or step in to prevent them having snark-offs on each other's walls, or stand around explaining what we could possibly see in a person who does Y. Different strokes, eh?
But yeah, OP, you'd be better off holding back, you only real options here are to ask Ned to change his settings on your behalf or take it to DM or email or simply file it away to ask him about next time you see him for real. Facebook is of the philosophy that everyone in your life should be entitled to know pretty much everything about you and that if you don't like that you're a freak, and has a habit of willy-nilly changing its privacy setting to subtly nudge people into compliance with its gestalt.
posted by Diablevert at 6:52 PM on April 18, 2011
Can you not just DM him: "Hey, Ned! Loved that baby goat video you posted this morning. Do you know what kind of goats those are? Blah blah blah..."
I understand that for a certain type of FB user/friendship that this way is not going to be feasible, but it's probably the only way to maintain your Ned-related privacy.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:28 PM on April 18, 2011
I understand that for a certain type of FB user/friendship that this way is not going to be feasible, but it's probably the only way to maintain your Ned-related privacy.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:28 PM on April 18, 2011
Can you not just DM him: "Hey, Ned!...
I want to warn that a lot of FB users would find that sort of thing annoying, like, dump-from-friends-list annoying. 'Every time I update I get a mail from Nancy? WTF? Does she expect me to reply to this stuff? Now I feel like I have to send her a message and I really don't want to get into an exchange with her and...ugh. Why is she mailing me? This is weird and it is making me uncomfortable; if she wants to comment on my posts why doesn't she just comment on my posts? Is she trying to flirt or something? This is too much and I don't like drama so I think I'm going to just de-friend on this one.'
Particularly as it would be coming on the heels of the weird behaviour of making comments on his page and then deleting them. 'Nancy has some issues going on.' It would not be seen as issues with FB, just as odd behaviour. 'She runs away from my friends, deletes stuff if they reply, but when it comes to me, I get DMs? Isn't Nancy married? This is strange.'
posted by kmennie at 7:26 AM on April 19, 2011
I want to warn that a lot of FB users would find that sort of thing annoying, like, dump-from-friends-list annoying. 'Every time I update I get a mail from Nancy? WTF? Does she expect me to reply to this stuff? Now I feel like I have to send her a message and I really don't want to get into an exchange with her and...ugh. Why is she mailing me? This is weird and it is making me uncomfortable; if she wants to comment on my posts why doesn't she just comment on my posts? Is she trying to flirt or something? This is too much and I don't like drama so I think I'm going to just de-friend on this one.'
Particularly as it would be coming on the heels of the weird behaviour of making comments on his page and then deleting them. 'Nancy has some issues going on.' It would not be seen as issues with FB, just as odd behaviour. 'She runs away from my friends, deletes stuff if they reply, but when it comes to me, I get DMs? Isn't Nancy married? This is strange.'
posted by kmennie at 7:26 AM on April 19, 2011
I just want to respectfully disagree with the other posters that are saying that it is normal for people to cross facebook barriers like that. I agree that it is intrusive and rude. Even if it is like a conversation on a sidewalk, it would still be rude to butt into a random conversation a friend was having with a stranger irl.
posted by Betty_effn_White at 8:39 AM on April 19, 2011
posted by Betty_effn_White at 8:39 AM on April 19, 2011
I totally understand how this makes you (and Betty) feel, but this sort of compartmentalization is alien to Facebook and trying to get Facebook, your friends, or anyone else to respect it is just asking for grief and frustration. Remember, Zuckerberg explicitly wanted to put "the college experience" online. These are like conversations not on a public downtown sidewalk, but the kind of random, synergistic meetings that happen in a campus quad.
My recommendation is that you ignore it when it happens, and if there's conflict, deflect it as lightly and quickly as possible ("Oh, Sally, Dave is a vegan through and through"). But primarily don't get involved.
I promise you that I have way too much stuff on my wall to even remotely think of following every activity update that comes through from even my close friends. Unless the friends you're concerned about seeing this activity have pretty small lists themselves, they're not likely to pay attention or even care.
Yeah, there are times when it's awkward. I've been posting shit like crazy related to the Wisconsin union fight, and this has drawn a few barbed comments from conservative friends. I've maintained a respectful and non-confrontational distance, though. I know going in that the whole Facebook thing is spreading stuff wide, and that's beneficial to my getting the word out about this or that article, but unless I go through and specifically choose which list it goes to -- I could do that -- it's really going to still be out there for them to check out as you fear. And comments everywhere are governed by the rules of the wall you're posting on, not you.
I hate to say to change yourself instead of something else, but it's probably the best way to approach the site.
posted by dhartung at 11:56 AM on April 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
My recommendation is that you ignore it when it happens, and if there's conflict, deflect it as lightly and quickly as possible ("Oh, Sally, Dave is a vegan through and through"). But primarily don't get involved.
I promise you that I have way too much stuff on my wall to even remotely think of following every activity update that comes through from even my close friends. Unless the friends you're concerned about seeing this activity have pretty small lists themselves, they're not likely to pay attention or even care.
Yeah, there are times when it's awkward. I've been posting shit like crazy related to the Wisconsin union fight, and this has drawn a few barbed comments from conservative friends. I've maintained a respectful and non-confrontational distance, though. I know going in that the whole Facebook thing is spreading stuff wide, and that's beneficial to my getting the word out about this or that article, but unless I go through and specifically choose which list it goes to -- I could do that -- it's really going to still be out there for them to check out as you fear. And comments everywhere are governed by the rules of the wall you're posting on, not you.
I hate to say to change yourself instead of something else, but it's probably the best way to approach the site.
posted by dhartung at 11:56 AM on April 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Facebook is only for PUBLISHING stuff that you don' mind other people reading. To expect otherwise is to expect a square peg to fit into a round hole.
posted by gjc at 4:53 PM on April 19, 2011
posted by gjc at 4:53 PM on April 19, 2011
The point I'm trying to make is there's a barrier between reading something and responding to it. Of course things may or may not be read depending on privacy settings, and I'm not expecting people to pretend everything said on facebook is private and sacrosanct, it's 2011 and we should all know that by now. I merely trust my friends not to intrude on social interactions that are not meant to involve them in the first place (even if the front door is unlocked and the windows open), and the wisdom to know when that is. I would be embarrassed, like the op is, feeling like my friendship is exposing their page to an unwelcome, however benign, element. The question is whether or not it bothers you enough to potentially slightly alienate your friends by asking them to stop.
posted by Betty_effn_White at 6:30 PM on April 19, 2011
posted by Betty_effn_White at 6:30 PM on April 19, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Yet two minutes later I log on to my husbands account (yes, I have his permission) and it is still there in his newsfeed! (although its not my husband I am concerned about, but my other friends).
posted by skjønn at 2:35 PM on April 18, 2011