Wildly inappropriate faculty member - now what?
April 12, 2011 1:48 PM Subscribe
Just returned from a meeting with a member of my dissertation committee wherein he admitted to repeatedly having "dreams about me" of a certain nature. Holy inappropriateness, Batman! Am I wrong to think this was way out of line to drop on me while waiting in his office to get some forms signed?
He was chagrined about admitting this to me, and said he "felt terrible" as I was leaving....but seriously, isn't the kind of thing one keeps to themselves in professional situations? I didn't feel threatened in any way, just very weird. He's 20 years older than me and we're both married, if that matters at all. We have a great relationship and I have considered him one of my "friends" among the faculty...but, ug. It's going to be passing strange to keep having to meet with him regularly, but I can't imagine removing him from my committee without a lot of questions being asked. Any suggestions?
He was chagrined about admitting this to me, and said he "felt terrible" as I was leaving....but seriously, isn't the kind of thing one keeps to themselves in professional situations? I didn't feel threatened in any way, just very weird. He's 20 years older than me and we're both married, if that matters at all. We have a great relationship and I have considered him one of my "friends" among the faculty...but, ug. It's going to be passing strange to keep having to meet with him regularly, but I can't imagine removing him from my committee without a lot of questions being asked. Any suggestions?
Sounds like he realized immediately after he said it what a mistake it was. I'd just pretend it never happened. But if it happens again, take further action.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:51 PM on April 12, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:51 PM on April 12, 2011 [9 favorites]
Talk to your department chair. Now.
This is Not Okay in any line of work* -- I'm not sure why so many people seem to think that academia is somehow different. If the chair pulls him off of the committee, I can't see many questions being asked.
*Well, okay. I'd expect it in one particular line of work, but that's irrelevant to the issue at hand.
posted by schmod at 1:53 PM on April 12, 2011 [7 favorites]
This is Not Okay in any line of work* -- I'm not sure why so many people seem to think that academia is somehow different. If the chair pulls him off of the committee, I can't see many questions being asked.
*Well, okay. I'd expect it in one particular line of work, but that's irrelevant to the issue at hand.
posted by schmod at 1:53 PM on April 12, 2011 [7 favorites]
That is weird and uncomfortable and inappropriate, but I know of no way to un-say it. I think the best option of admittedly all mediocre options is to ignore it this once and if it happens again in any shape or form, to then take action with the HR department of your university.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:54 PM on April 12, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 1:54 PM on April 12, 2011 [9 favorites]
Agree with JohnnyGunn, and my answer would be the same regardless of profession. Given his apparent remorse, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this ONCE and if it happens again, go through the proper channels.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 2:07 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 2:07 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Did you express to him that you never want to hear that kind of crap again? Do so, in no uncertain terms. Hopefully that's where it ends.
If this isn't the end of it, your university ombudsman has resources for you. (Everything from counseling for you to a list of possible paths for getting this dealt with officially if it becomes a repetitive problem). I do heavily suggest having someone you can talk to about this-- your spouse is probably your best first resource, but if they aren't also an academic, it can be useful to talk to someone who understands how much control your dissertation committee really has over you. You aren't the first person this has happened to (sadly), so there's a decent chance the ombuds office can refer you to a counselor/psychologist who will at least be able to listen to you talk out your reaction.
I've got more personal advice that I'm not willing to post here, if you'd like to hear it; feel free to memail me or get a mod to post a throwaway email address.
posted by nat at 2:09 PM on April 12, 2011
If this isn't the end of it, your university ombudsman has resources for you. (Everything from counseling for you to a list of possible paths for getting this dealt with officially if it becomes a repetitive problem). I do heavily suggest having someone you can talk to about this-- your spouse is probably your best first resource, but if they aren't also an academic, it can be useful to talk to someone who understands how much control your dissertation committee really has over you. You aren't the first person this has happened to (sadly), so there's a decent chance the ombuds office can refer you to a counselor/psychologist who will at least be able to listen to you talk out your reaction.
I've got more personal advice that I'm not willing to post here, if you'd like to hear it; feel free to memail me or get a mod to post a throwaway email address.
posted by nat at 2:09 PM on April 12, 2011
I think you have two ok options, both with some downsides. One is to create a paper trail in case the guy gets weirder, decides to act on his dreams, etc. (Downside: whistle blowers can be severely penalized in academia.) You start this by going to talk with the chair or dean, or maybe the ombudsmans office.
Or, you shrug and keep your mouth shut and focus on a) graduating and b) never being alone in a room with him. This is what almost every woman in grad school I knew used to deal with the creeps. The big downside here is that he is free to continue to be a creep, and you run the risk of him taking some weird kind of "revenge" (like failing you or writing bad letters) later to get you out of his life.
posted by Forktine at 2:12 PM on April 12, 2011
Or, you shrug and keep your mouth shut and focus on a) graduating and b) never being alone in a room with him. This is what almost every woman in grad school I knew used to deal with the creeps. The big downside here is that he is free to continue to be a creep, and you run the risk of him taking some weird kind of "revenge" (like failing you or writing bad letters) later to get you out of his life.
posted by Forktine at 2:12 PM on April 12, 2011
There's a middle path between Forktine's two options. Forktine's already pointed out the issue with the first one.
The problem with Forktine's second option is then you have to keep hearing the comments, future women in the dept will have to keep dealing with the creepiness, and it can be pretty psychologically disturbing to be in that position for a long time (and we all know the length a dissertation can take to complete).
The middle path: express your displeasure *to him*. Every time. Keep a paper trail, but you don't have to take it official (yet)- just let it be known that you have records of your interactions. Save every email, communicate in writing as much as possible (including sending a written summary of any meetings, especially anything else weird, so that you have a written record). If you're lucky, he'll stop after this one time. If you're not, then you've started the process of keeping a paper trail, but done nothing irrevocable (you haven't told anyone else in your dept). Then you can decide to escalate later.
posted by nat at 2:19 PM on April 12, 2011
The problem with Forktine's second option is then you have to keep hearing the comments, future women in the dept will have to keep dealing with the creepiness, and it can be pretty psychologically disturbing to be in that position for a long time (and we all know the length a dissertation can take to complete).
The middle path: express your displeasure *to him*. Every time. Keep a paper trail, but you don't have to take it official (yet)- just let it be known that you have records of your interactions. Save every email, communicate in writing as much as possible (including sending a written summary of any meetings, especially anything else weird, so that you have a written record). If you're lucky, he'll stop after this one time. If you're not, then you've started the process of keeping a paper trail, but done nothing irrevocable (you haven't told anyone else in your dept). Then you can decide to escalate later.
posted by nat at 2:19 PM on April 12, 2011
Man, I don't know. I mean the way you put it, it sounds terrible, but I can totally see this as being nothing at all -- did you guys joke around about off-color stuff before? I can totally see some of my friends or even coworkers mentioning that they had a sex dream about each other and it not being a big deal. I guess it depends on whether he was just being funny or making a painfully awkward and weird come-on.
posted by empath at 2:22 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by empath at 2:22 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Tell him expressly that it is inappropriate. If he repeats then it may turn into something that demands action. But it sounds like a normal man (midlife crisis) that said something crazy, then quickly resumed reality and apologized. I did that once.
posted by nogero at 2:28 PM on April 12, 2011
posted by nogero at 2:28 PM on April 12, 2011
Deeply not OK. You are right to be way squicked out.
At the same time, if you have no reason to think this will be a pattern, I'd let it go. Once. If anything like it happens again, call him on it to his face. And then start thinking about leaving a trail -- e.g. by meeting your dept. chair.
The reason to let it go once? Academics ARE kind of stupid about stuff like this. A certain small amount of "let it slide" will actually make your life easier.
I'm a reasonably successful female academic.
posted by kestrel251 at 2:29 PM on April 12, 2011
At the same time, if you have no reason to think this will be a pattern, I'd let it go. Once. If anything like it happens again, call him on it to his face. And then start thinking about leaving a trail -- e.g. by meeting your dept. chair.
The reason to let it go once? Academics ARE kind of stupid about stuff like this. A certain small amount of "let it slide" will actually make your life easier.
I'm a reasonably successful female academic.
posted by kestrel251 at 2:29 PM on April 12, 2011
What what the what? The way I see it there are two possibilities: Either he has 4-year old level impulse control, or he has begun the age-old process of using his position of power over you to sexually harass you.
The next step is really just about whatever you feel comfortable doing. As I see it the reasonable options are:
1. Pretend it never happened, and hope it never happens again.
2. Confront him, ask for an explanation/apology, and a promise that it will never happen again.
3. Go to someone above him, and ask him to be removed from your committee
4. Go to someone above him and start a grievance process against him.
(1) is probably what I would do if I thought it wouldn't happen again, because I am generally terrified of upsetting my superiors (just my personal character flaw). But if you really were sure it wouldn't happen again, you probably wouldn't have made this question.
(2) is probably a good first step
(3) is a fine idea, and if you don't want to you don't necessarily have to tell the department chair exactly what happened. You could try just citing "interpersonal difficulties" and see they run with that.
(4) seems like overkill to me for a one-time transgression as you've described it, but perfectly within your rights to do.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 2:39 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
The next step is really just about whatever you feel comfortable doing. As I see it the reasonable options are:
1. Pretend it never happened, and hope it never happens again.
2. Confront him, ask for an explanation/apology, and a promise that it will never happen again.
3. Go to someone above him, and ask him to be removed from your committee
4. Go to someone above him and start a grievance process against him.
(1) is probably what I would do if I thought it wouldn't happen again, because I am generally terrified of upsetting my superiors (just my personal character flaw). But if you really were sure it wouldn't happen again, you probably wouldn't have made this question.
(2) is probably a good first step
(3) is a fine idea, and if you don't want to you don't necessarily have to tell the department chair exactly what happened. You could try just citing "interpersonal difficulties" and see they run with that.
(4) seems like overkill to me for a one-time transgression as you've described it, but perfectly within your rights to do.
posted by Salvor Hardin at 2:39 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is there another member of your committee — your advisor, hopefully — who you would feel comfortable talking to about this incident? This would have the dual effect of (a) helping you unpack the weirdness and (b) corroborating your story should, God forbid, it happen again. For this to work, though, you'd have to trust your confidant to keep his/her mouth shut... unless and until you need corroboration at a later date.
I note above that many people are assuming that anonymous is female. This does seem the more likely option, but do note that it's not explicitly stated in the question.
posted by Johnny Assay at 2:47 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I note above that many people are assuming that anonymous is female. This does seem the more likely option, but do note that it's not explicitly stated in the question.
posted by Johnny Assay at 2:47 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Completely not okay, but a problem with any whistleblowing at this stage is it's going to be difficult if not impossible to prove. I'd verbally tell him "please don't say anything like this to me again in the future," and never get alone with him again.
Agreed that he possibly just said something weird and didn't think about it, although that doesn't make it okay. If he's overall been okay to work with, I wouldn't worry about his hurting your academic process. If anything, he'll probably be easier to work with due to embarrassment on his part.
posted by randomkeystrike at 2:47 PM on April 12, 2011
Agreed that he possibly just said something weird and didn't think about it, although that doesn't make it okay. If he's overall been okay to work with, I wouldn't worry about his hurting your academic process. If anything, he'll probably be easier to work with due to embarrassment on his part.
posted by randomkeystrike at 2:47 PM on April 12, 2011
This would squick me out to no end and I'd totally switch committee members, but your program may work differently (or may be smaller).
While it's wildly, insanely inappropriate either way, it almost sounds like he felt guilty about the dreams and decided to offload it on you. That is, of course, both crazy (dreams don't mean anything, and if he feels guilty he should tell his WIFE) and shows very poor judgement, but it would change the situation a bit if you don't feel at all threatened. If you still trust him as a person, the best choice may be just sitting down with him and telling him how weird and uncomfortable it made you feel, and that you want his assurance that no such conversations will every occur again. Basically, simultaneously make your total lack of interest apparent and guilt tripping the hell out of him. But that totally depends on your relationship.
Or you could ask your husband to challenge him to a duel...
posted by you're a kitty! at 3:15 PM on April 12, 2011
While it's wildly, insanely inappropriate either way, it almost sounds like he felt guilty about the dreams and decided to offload it on you. That is, of course, both crazy (dreams don't mean anything, and if he feels guilty he should tell his WIFE) and shows very poor judgement, but it would change the situation a bit if you don't feel at all threatened. If you still trust him as a person, the best choice may be just sitting down with him and telling him how weird and uncomfortable it made you feel, and that you want his assurance that no such conversations will every occur again. Basically, simultaneously make your total lack of interest apparent and guilt tripping the hell out of him. But that totally depends on your relationship.
Or you could ask your husband to challenge him to a duel...
posted by you're a kitty! at 3:15 PM on April 12, 2011
Everybody makes mistakes or says the wrong thing sometimes. If you try to destroy this guy's career over something like this then don't complain when someone does the same to you if you make a mistake in the future. He said something inappropriate, he apologised straight away with apparent sincerity and there's been no repetition or other weirdness, so leave it at that unless it happens again. I would guess he's going to be extra nice to you now, which isn't exactly going to do you any harm if he's on your dissertation committee, whereas making a huge fuss about this opens up a downside for you as well. I know he's in the 'give the man a good kicking' group here on Metafilter rather than the 'automatically forgive no matter what' demographic but sometimes you can find the moral high ground in forgiveness rather than unleashing the PC witch hunt for a stray, stupid but passing remark.
posted by joannemullen at 3:27 PM on April 12, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by joannemullen at 3:27 PM on April 12, 2011 [8 favorites]
I can't imagine removing him from my committee without a lot of questions being asked.
Changing committee members is easy. People do it all the time. I changed members of my committee three times. Nobody ever cares as long as your advisor signs off on it. If your advisor asks, you can just say that you're not comfortable with him or that you had a personal problem, and leave it at that. It's not his/her business why you want a different committee member.
posted by yeolcoatl at 3:31 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Changing committee members is easy. People do it all the time. I changed members of my committee three times. Nobody ever cares as long as your advisor signs off on it. If your advisor asks, you can just say that you're not comfortable with him or that you had a personal problem, and leave it at that. It's not his/her business why you want a different committee member.
posted by yeolcoatl at 3:31 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
1. Nothing actually took place so at minimum, he would not lose his job.
2. Not noted : since he is on your diss committee, his remark might be construed as a "look, I can help or hinder you in your further work" and then, dropped, either because he said what he wanted to drop on you or he truly realized the inappropriateness of the remark.
3. I would drop it. Your response indicated to him that it was dumb on his part and his response suggested he also realized this. Nothing good or sensible can come of doing anything further.
4: But the good news! He is now likely to be more accepting of your work out of a sense of guilt and repentance and be on your side as you get closer to your goal.
posted by Postroad at 3:37 PM on April 12, 2011
2. Not noted : since he is on your diss committee, his remark might be construed as a "look, I can help or hinder you in your further work" and then, dropped, either because he said what he wanted to drop on you or he truly realized the inappropriateness of the remark.
3. I would drop it. Your response indicated to him that it was dumb on his part and his response suggested he also realized this. Nothing good or sensible can come of doing anything further.
4: But the good news! He is now likely to be more accepting of your work out of a sense of guilt and repentance and be on your side as you get closer to your goal.
posted by Postroad at 3:37 PM on April 12, 2011
I'm sure this was very creepy and confusing - and it should have never happened.
However, it did. Be safe, avoid him, document this incident carefully - and, if anything happens again, do not hesitate to seek help. Let it go this time. Once.
take care of yourself. Go talk to somebody about this (If you seek professional help, I would pick something not affiliated with your uni. People do talk, people do see people enter offices, and while this is terribly unfair, academia tends to shun people in your situtation, especially when there is no "hard proof" - they want to protect the school from liability, and may not care about you - at least where I'm from) Talk to your friends and your partner.
One note of caution: Some colleges and schools have rules that any sort of information about potential sexual harassment requires intermediate action. Inform yourself about this before things get out of control.
posted by mathemagician at 3:39 PM on April 12, 2011
However, it did. Be safe, avoid him, document this incident carefully - and, if anything happens again, do not hesitate to seek help. Let it go this time. Once.
take care of yourself. Go talk to somebody about this (If you seek professional help, I would pick something not affiliated with your uni. People do talk, people do see people enter offices, and while this is terribly unfair, academia tends to shun people in your situtation, especially when there is no "hard proof" - they want to protect the school from liability, and may not care about you - at least where I'm from) Talk to your friends and your partner.
One note of caution: Some colleges and schools have rules that any sort of information about potential sexual harassment requires intermediate action. Inform yourself about this before things get out of control.
posted by mathemagician at 3:39 PM on April 12, 2011
Magnanimously wave it aside, once.
Sheesh though, people. I've never been in any line of work where stuff like this and worse didn't get justified with '-------s are just like that'. Not only is it a wonderful systematic way to uphold crap behaviour, it's an insult to those of us with actual impairments.
posted by tel3path at 4:09 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sheesh though, people. I've never been in any line of work where stuff like this and worse didn't get justified with '-------s are just like that'. Not only is it a wonderful systematic way to uphold crap behaviour, it's an insult to those of us with actual impairments.
posted by tel3path at 4:09 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
- Do you have someone on your faculty that could replace him/her on your committee?
- Will this be a big "to-do" in your department? Will you have any control over the rumor flow?
- Will this impact your ability to get letters of recommendation? Will news of this trickle out?
I say let it pass once.
posted by k8t at 4:27 PM on April 12, 2011
- Will this be a big "to-do" in your department? Will you have any control over the rumor flow?
- Will this impact your ability to get letters of recommendation? Will news of this trickle out?
I say let it pass once.
posted by k8t at 4:27 PM on April 12, 2011
Many workplaces (including my non-academic one) has a policy that states that the first step should be informing the offender that the specific behavior is unwelcome and ask them not to do it again. This is not a required step in all cases, but it does eliminate the "what?! I didn't know xyz behavior was unacceptable!" defense.
You're not wrong to be squicked out--that was totally, totally not appropriate. He should have known better. However, you can do something in between "ignore" and "confront/report"-- tell him that his behavior was unwelcome and should not be repeated. If it happens again, go up the chain of command. If you're concerned about needing to have a clear trail, go to your department chair (or email, so you have something in writing) something to the effect of "Dr. Smith made a comment that I felt was inappropriate recently. I've spoken with him and feel confident that it won't happen again, but I thought I should keep you informed.".
posted by Kpele at 4:33 PM on April 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
You're not wrong to be squicked out--that was totally, totally not appropriate. He should have known better. However, you can do something in between "ignore" and "confront/report"-- tell him that his behavior was unwelcome and should not be repeated. If it happens again, go up the chain of command. If you're concerned about needing to have a clear trail, go to your department chair (or email, so you have something in writing) something to the effect of "Dr. Smith made a comment that I felt was inappropriate recently. I've spoken with him and feel confident that it won't happen again, but I thought I should keep you informed.".
posted by Kpele at 4:33 PM on April 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would second removing him from your dissertation committee if the fallout is not too great. Sexual harassment is apparently not that rare in some Philosophy departments, leading to "A Call to Shun", which gives a somewhat discouraging assessment of the situation, especially if the harasser is prominent.
"Institutional mechanisms provide little in the way of redress to the victims of such figures. Those who have been harassed, or worse, come forward in many cases, put themselves through a long and painful process, and if the figure is prominent it is very unlikely that any meaningful action will be taken. Given this systematic failure of formal mechanisms, it should not come as a surprise that many women get discouraged and drop out of the discipline along the way."
Good luck with whatever you decide.
posted by zoel at 4:43 PM on April 12, 2011
"Institutional mechanisms provide little in the way of redress to the victims of such figures. Those who have been harassed, or worse, come forward in many cases, put themselves through a long and painful process, and if the figure is prominent it is very unlikely that any meaningful action will be taken. Given this systematic failure of formal mechanisms, it should not come as a surprise that many women get discouraged and drop out of the discipline along the way."
Good luck with whatever you decide.
posted by zoel at 4:43 PM on April 12, 2011
Magnanimously wave it aside, once as well as diarise this incident.
posted by the noob at 4:43 PM on April 12, 2011
posted by the noob at 4:43 PM on April 12, 2011
You sound like you're worrying about him and what this might do to his career. You should, imo, be more concerned about yourself and moving on with your career. It seems really clear that this guy is bad news AND he could seriously mess with your dissertation process to let you know how displeased he is with you for refusing to play along. I know this happens and students can be stigmatized and royally screwed over.
Personally, I'd make moves to get this guy off my committee ASAP. You could do this in a no fuss way, by simply telling him or anyone who asks that is was simply a bad fit.
Or you could make some noise. Find out your school's policy on sexual harassment, on unwelcome relationships between students and faculty. Get allies and push it along.
posted by jasper411 at 6:21 PM on April 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Personally, I'd make moves to get this guy off my committee ASAP. You could do this in a no fuss way, by simply telling him or anyone who asks that is was simply a bad fit.
Or you could make some noise. Find out your school's policy on sexual harassment, on unwelcome relationships between students and faculty. Get allies and push it along.
posted by jasper411 at 6:21 PM on April 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
See, when we let people like this get away with this kind of behavior, it just perpetuates the whole "well-regarded people can do what they like" thing. Considering your follow-up, it seems to me like this guy needs to seriously reform his behavior, or this is going to happen again and again...etc. Butbas others noted, the power issues in grad school are tricky. You need another powerful ally--what is your relationship like with your advisor? If you were my student, I would want to know about this, because I would be pissed off on your behalf. An you trust your advisor enough to confide in him/her? Even if you're not going to pursue any formal activity now, having this on record with your advisor would be very good.
posted by DiscourseMarker at 6:26 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by DiscourseMarker at 6:26 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is there a faculty member you can confide in? Having someone know of the incident, aware of your discomfort, can be better than a paper trail. You could also make an appointment and say, honestly, "Your comment took me by surprise and made me feel awkward. Are you comfortable being part of my committee?"
posted by theora55 at 6:31 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 6:31 PM on April 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think this goes way beyond 'awkward academic'. The fact that your follow-up indicates repeated boundary issues does not characterize this as an 'honest mistake'. He apologized to save face, but I think he quite consciously meant to tell you this.
Unfortunately, if all your interactions are verbal, you'll probably have a hard time pushing an official sexual harassment case. But I would ABSOLUTELY let the head of your department know in writing, anonymously if you must, and request that it is kept on file. You might not have found his behavior threatening, but who knows if he's done this in the past to someone who did? I would be threatened by this, maybe not physically, but in the sense of "I don't know if you're assessing my work honestly or because you want to sleep with me".
I could not imagine keeping this person on my committee:
a) I would never be comfortable having open discussions in one-on-one meetings with him again and, if necessary, I would tell him that the reason why is because he was so inappropriately creepy.
b) I would not trust him not to screw you over once you confront him about his inappropriateness (again, something that would be good to have documented to a higher-up beforehand).
I'd also let whoever's in charge of the gender issues committee know. This guy should not get to put that on his CV.
If you're afraid to do these things before your dissertation goes through, at least consider writing them up now and sending them after you've gone through all the hoops.
My partner also adds: would your response to this change if this were a corporate environment and someone superior to you did this?
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:44 PM on April 12, 2011
Unfortunately, if all your interactions are verbal, you'll probably have a hard time pushing an official sexual harassment case. But I would ABSOLUTELY let the head of your department know in writing, anonymously if you must, and request that it is kept on file. You might not have found his behavior threatening, but who knows if he's done this in the past to someone who did? I would be threatened by this, maybe not physically, but in the sense of "I don't know if you're assessing my work honestly or because you want to sleep with me".
I could not imagine keeping this person on my committee:
a) I would never be comfortable having open discussions in one-on-one meetings with him again and, if necessary, I would tell him that the reason why is because he was so inappropriately creepy.
b) I would not trust him not to screw you over once you confront him about his inappropriateness (again, something that would be good to have documented to a higher-up beforehand).
I'd also let whoever's in charge of the gender issues committee know. This guy should not get to put that on his CV.
If you're afraid to do these things before your dissertation goes through, at least consider writing them up now and sending them after you've gone through all the hoops.
My partner also adds: would your response to this change if this were a corporate environment and someone superior to you did this?
posted by nakedmolerats at 6:44 PM on April 12, 2011
Yes, at very least, get this guy off your committee ASAP.
You said originally that this would lead to uncomfortable questions being asked. But in my field, at least, changes of committee happen all the time — often over perfectly innocent things like "The emphasis of my project has changed" or "We disagree over some arcane point of methodology" or even just "Well, we're having some personality conflict and we both think it would be better that way." If you insist on protecting him, I'm sure the two of you can come up with a face-saving story along those lines. (And if you offer him such a story, he'd be an idiot not to play along.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:00 PM on April 12, 2011
You said originally that this would lead to uncomfortable questions being asked. But in my field, at least, changes of committee happen all the time — often over perfectly innocent things like "The emphasis of my project has changed" or "We disagree over some arcane point of methodology" or even just "Well, we're having some personality conflict and we both think it would be better that way." If you insist on protecting him, I'm sure the two of you can come up with a face-saving story along those lines. (And if you offer him such a story, he'd be an idiot not to play along.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:00 PM on April 12, 2011
OK, so if it's been a pattern of behavior my advice changes somewhat. Any colleagues you could discretely canvas to see if he's done it to them? Corroboration would help tremendously if you move to discuss this with his superiors.
FWIW, I am a man, and I loathe men who get people alone and spout shit of a sexual nature. I've seen enough of these shitheads in action to believe they know exactly what they're doing. It's a mind-fuck, because they act completely one way in "mixed company," another way alone with men they assume are sympathetic, and yet another way with women. Many people find it impossible to believe - "he's such a nice man; why would he say such a thing?" I assume there are scenarios where the gender pronouns change here, but this has been my usual experience. You have my sympathy.
With or without discussing the cause I'd seek to get him off your committee.
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:04 PM on April 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
FWIW, I am a man, and I loathe men who get people alone and spout shit of a sexual nature. I've seen enough of these shitheads in action to believe they know exactly what they're doing. It's a mind-fuck, because they act completely one way in "mixed company," another way alone with men they assume are sympathetic, and yet another way with women. Many people find it impossible to believe - "he's such a nice man; why would he say such a thing?" I assume there are scenarios where the gender pronouns change here, but this has been my usual experience. You have my sympathy.
With or without discussing the cause I'd seek to get him off your committee.
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:04 PM on April 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
My opinion would be based on your degree of friendship (I've had several male co-workers where we were all blunt, talked about all kinds of [inappropriate] crap and joked around lot.), your personality, his personality (I work with an engineer with aspergers and he always says off-the-wall inappropriate stuff) and what exactly he said to you, what you were discussing right before he said it and how you replied.
posted by KogeLiz at 7:12 PM on April 12, 2011
posted by KogeLiz at 7:12 PM on April 12, 2011
This post reminded me of the time I (female) made an inappropriate remark to an older art professor (male) as we were passing each other in the hall. He had shorts on one day, and I noticed, all of the sudden, that his legs were absolutely gorgeous! I think he was a runner or biker or something, but before I could stop myself, I just blurted out, "Wow! You have gorgeous legs."
I was immediately horrified and tried to slink away, but he was totally cool about it and just said "Oh! Thanks!" We both kept walking and never mentioned it again (luckily, I wasn't in any of his classes, but it still embarrassed me to think about it whenever I saw him).
In your situation, the power dynamic is different, and telling you, his student, about a nasty dream he had about you is worlds away from inadvertently blurting out an inappropriate remark, so I completely understand why you're squicked out. Especially in light on your follow-up post, which suggests he already has boundary issues. However, instead of confronting him face-to-face, you should consider just shooting him a quick email -- outline the situation and how uncomfortable it made you feel. That way, if things get any worse, you'll at least have a paper trail.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 9:22 PM on April 12, 2011
I was immediately horrified and tried to slink away, but he was totally cool about it and just said "Oh! Thanks!" We both kept walking and never mentioned it again (luckily, I wasn't in any of his classes, but it still embarrassed me to think about it whenever I saw him).
In your situation, the power dynamic is different, and telling you, his student, about a nasty dream he had about you is worlds away from inadvertently blurting out an inappropriate remark, so I completely understand why you're squicked out. Especially in light on your follow-up post, which suggests he already has boundary issues. However, instead of confronting him face-to-face, you should consider just shooting him a quick email -- outline the situation and how uncomfortable it made you feel. That way, if things get any worse, you'll at least have a paper trail.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 9:22 PM on April 12, 2011
If you are so inclined and logistics and interpersonal dynamics make this a feasible option, a more aggressive take on theora55's suggestion: "Prof. Awkward, this is making me uncomfortable and I would like to replace you on my committee. Would you prefer for the official reason to be that you've become too busy [elaborate as plausible]?"
And then you could still tell your advisor the real problem if s/he would know what to do with the info. After reading your followup, though, I'm not sure I'd want to be this kind to the prof in the face of repeated boundary violations.
posted by ecsh at 5:18 AM on April 13, 2011
And then you could still tell your advisor the real problem if s/he would know what to do with the info. After reading your followup, though, I'm not sure I'd want to be this kind to the prof in the face of repeated boundary violations.
posted by ecsh at 5:18 AM on April 13, 2011
I would not want someone with such, erm, flexible professional ethics and impaired ideas of appropriate conduct to sit on the committee that determined the success of my dissertation.
posted by anonnymoose at 9:57 AM on April 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by anonnymoose at 9:57 AM on April 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
By which I mean to say: take this behavior as the giant red flag that it is, take it seriously, and don't assume that he'll treat you well or professionally down the road when he hasn't done so thus far.
posted by anonnymoose at 9:59 AM on April 13, 2011
posted by anonnymoose at 9:59 AM on April 13, 2011
Mod note: A couple comments removed for anonymity.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:20 AM on April 14, 2011
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:20 AM on April 14, 2011
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posted by k8t at 1:49 PM on April 12, 2011