PINK HULK SMASH! (how hard to fight against fear of failure in a relationship?)
March 19, 2011 9:30 AM Subscribe
My Long-Distance GF is bipolar and in a down phase. Wants to breakup. How much do I fight? Long story -- details inside (sorry for the convoluted long question - it's been a whirlwind week!)...
I'm in a long distance relationship. My GF is bipolar, and has been spiraling into a downward phase, and it's obvious now that it's been happening.
In December she wanted to break up - I found out later she was suicidal. I was able to go out and visit (as previously planned) and things were ok.
Until about a month ago... I had sensed a pulling apart over the past month - fewer emails. Her callbacks weren't as frequent. Fewer "Love you"s... etc... I knew she was having a hard time. But figured I wouldn't push it.
But, then I realized that I should try to get there, and had planned on mentioning it on my next visit (next week). So I started to work on finances and things to get my ass over there sooner rather than later. We were gonna wait one more year, but I realized I needed to be there now. Fuck waiting for an improved economy, etc...
But this past monday... She called and said she wanted to breakup. I insisted "no..." The stress was too much she said. She apologized for it seeming sudden (I knew it was there, just didn't know how severe)... She talked about us being friends always (and I believe that, if we were to breakup)... I said near the end of the call(not knowing it was near the end of the call) "I'm here, whether as a lover or a friend, however this works out..." and she cried and had to go.
That was my cue that maybe she didn't really wanna break it off. It was when I acknowledge the potential of being friends that she broke down.
She told me in the coming days she told her family and they were sad but supportive. I assumed this meant her son, as well. However, apparently, this wasn't the case.
I had written a message to him saying that I'm sorry it didn't work, but to take care of her and make sure she was ok in the days ahead. He said he loved me and that he was gonna figure out what was going on and that kinda inspired me to fight. I didn't want to get him involved, but she found out I'd emailed him when he started acting out. She told me she was waiting til after his bday party (next weekend) to tell him. She also doesn't want me at the bday party due to this stuff...
Anyways, slowly each day she'd done more to pull away (but in other ways remain connected). Our FB status is still "in a relationship" (which is what gave me hope - though I thought now, after finding out that her son didn't know, maybe that was why - but even now, it's still "in a relationship)
We talked last night. She gave me the same things as before: You have a good job, economy sucks, you take care of people (i.e. my ex and our roommate) have a cat, and friends there, I have my life here. Then she said she felt overloaded and wanted to shut down. Wanted to just run away. But she knows she can't. She doesn't wanna bother her friends, and I tell her that's what friends are there for.
There's a lot to this. Needless to say, there needs to be some counselling in the end. I want to move there. I found out that we DIDN'T actually sign the lease last year like I thought... I just found that out shortly before she called me last night, and that was why we fought over this. I let her know that I *could* in fact move there by July 1st (end of lease) if she wanted, and that's when she gave me the excuses... She admits she's afraid of it not working and taking the blame on herself. She's placing a lot of responsibility and it sounds a LOT like depression. It's very clear it's depression. I can't move there if she says no, but I very strongly feel her judgement is clouded right now. I understand her fear. Everytime we talk it feels like she's gripped by fear of failure that she can't open to potential success.
It's a scary thing to just up and move in 3 months. She's done that in the past and it didn't work and I think she's placing some of her experiences into this. I also have anxiety issues and she is worried that will further stress her (though I feel I've been coping with this very well, even at a much lower dosage of medication than I normally take).
This recent "dumping" of hers made me realize how much I want this relationship to work. She said, at one point last night "Fine, move here..." I said "I don't want it to be "no" or "fine" I want you to think about it. Not from pressure" I have a couple weeks before I have to let everyone know what's up (i.e. roomies signing lease, hire new replacement, etc...)
She said "It would make me happy to know that you're secure and safe there..." And I said... "Well, IF that's how you feel..." and she started to cry and said "I have to go..."
I feel that ISN'T how she feels. Or rather, that's an acceptable alternative, but she feels so broken and unable to succeed in a relationship and afraid that it might not work with us, that she'd rather it fail now and not risk it.
Sorry for the long story - there's so much that's happened in a week, my head is a whirlwind, honestly.
So, is this depression? Do I, like my body says, fight for what I want? I admit, it gets harder and harder to fight the more the struggle goes on, and I'm afraid of breaking her. And I know that I can't be the one to fix her. But I also know that if she had an extra set of hands it would help at least a little. She doesn't have much support. I am a supporter, but I'm also one to try to give space and make sure I'm doing the right thing (which is somewhat how it's been too long - waiting to "do the right thing" led to along delay in me moving there in the first place) but now... I see what's at stake and it feels like I'm clear.
If she is depressed, how do I encourage her to see the doctor and deal with it? From what I read, once you're *IN* Bipolar Depression, there's not much they can do medically, it's ride it out. Is my coming and then going for the next couple months until July (if this moving there did happen) going to break her heart each time? There's just so much and everyone is a unique case. Am I afraid? Yes, a move in 3 months is a hard thing to do. But I feel like a Pink Hulk, SMASH through the barriers. I feel like she wants this, but is just dealing with stress and difficulty and fear. Do I let her fear control me? Do I let my desire and passion forge ahead? If she says, in the end "NO" there is nothing I can do, is there? No matter how wrong I feel it is? Is it OK for me to push and make her try to break those clouds of fear? I'm trying to respect boundaries (i.e. not call everyday) and such so she doesn't feel too crowded. I think it's working so far.
I'm in a long distance relationship. My GF is bipolar, and has been spiraling into a downward phase, and it's obvious now that it's been happening.
In December she wanted to break up - I found out later she was suicidal. I was able to go out and visit (as previously planned) and things were ok.
Until about a month ago... I had sensed a pulling apart over the past month - fewer emails. Her callbacks weren't as frequent. Fewer "Love you"s... etc... I knew she was having a hard time. But figured I wouldn't push it.
But, then I realized that I should try to get there, and had planned on mentioning it on my next visit (next week). So I started to work on finances and things to get my ass over there sooner rather than later. We were gonna wait one more year, but I realized I needed to be there now. Fuck waiting for an improved economy, etc...
But this past monday... She called and said she wanted to breakup. I insisted "no..." The stress was too much she said. She apologized for it seeming sudden (I knew it was there, just didn't know how severe)... She talked about us being friends always (and I believe that, if we were to breakup)... I said near the end of the call(not knowing it was near the end of the call) "I'm here, whether as a lover or a friend, however this works out..." and she cried and had to go.
That was my cue that maybe she didn't really wanna break it off. It was when I acknowledge the potential of being friends that she broke down.
She told me in the coming days she told her family and they were sad but supportive. I assumed this meant her son, as well. However, apparently, this wasn't the case.
I had written a message to him saying that I'm sorry it didn't work, but to take care of her and make sure she was ok in the days ahead. He said he loved me and that he was gonna figure out what was going on and that kinda inspired me to fight. I didn't want to get him involved, but she found out I'd emailed him when he started acting out. She told me she was waiting til after his bday party (next weekend) to tell him. She also doesn't want me at the bday party due to this stuff...
Anyways, slowly each day she'd done more to pull away (but in other ways remain connected). Our FB status is still "in a relationship" (which is what gave me hope - though I thought now, after finding out that her son didn't know, maybe that was why - but even now, it's still "in a relationship)
We talked last night. She gave me the same things as before: You have a good job, economy sucks, you take care of people (i.e. my ex and our roommate) have a cat, and friends there, I have my life here. Then she said she felt overloaded and wanted to shut down. Wanted to just run away. But she knows she can't. She doesn't wanna bother her friends, and I tell her that's what friends are there for.
There's a lot to this. Needless to say, there needs to be some counselling in the end. I want to move there. I found out that we DIDN'T actually sign the lease last year like I thought... I just found that out shortly before she called me last night, and that was why we fought over this. I let her know that I *could* in fact move there by July 1st (end of lease) if she wanted, and that's when she gave me the excuses... She admits she's afraid of it not working and taking the blame on herself. She's placing a lot of responsibility and it sounds a LOT like depression. It's very clear it's depression. I can't move there if she says no, but I very strongly feel her judgement is clouded right now. I understand her fear. Everytime we talk it feels like she's gripped by fear of failure that she can't open to potential success.
It's a scary thing to just up and move in 3 months. She's done that in the past and it didn't work and I think she's placing some of her experiences into this. I also have anxiety issues and she is worried that will further stress her (though I feel I've been coping with this very well, even at a much lower dosage of medication than I normally take).
This recent "dumping" of hers made me realize how much I want this relationship to work. She said, at one point last night "Fine, move here..." I said "I don't want it to be "no" or "fine" I want you to think about it. Not from pressure" I have a couple weeks before I have to let everyone know what's up (i.e. roomies signing lease, hire new replacement, etc...)
She said "It would make me happy to know that you're secure and safe there..." And I said... "Well, IF that's how you feel..." and she started to cry and said "I have to go..."
I feel that ISN'T how she feels. Or rather, that's an acceptable alternative, but she feels so broken and unable to succeed in a relationship and afraid that it might not work with us, that she'd rather it fail now and not risk it.
Sorry for the long story - there's so much that's happened in a week, my head is a whirlwind, honestly.
So, is this depression? Do I, like my body says, fight for what I want? I admit, it gets harder and harder to fight the more the struggle goes on, and I'm afraid of breaking her. And I know that I can't be the one to fix her. But I also know that if she had an extra set of hands it would help at least a little. She doesn't have much support. I am a supporter, but I'm also one to try to give space and make sure I'm doing the right thing (which is somewhat how it's been too long - waiting to "do the right thing" led to along delay in me moving there in the first place) but now... I see what's at stake and it feels like I'm clear.
If she is depressed, how do I encourage her to see the doctor and deal with it? From what I read, once you're *IN* Bipolar Depression, there's not much they can do medically, it's ride it out. Is my coming and then going for the next couple months until July (if this moving there did happen) going to break her heart each time? There's just so much and everyone is a unique case. Am I afraid? Yes, a move in 3 months is a hard thing to do. But I feel like a Pink Hulk, SMASH through the barriers. I feel like she wants this, but is just dealing with stress and difficulty and fear. Do I let her fear control me? Do I let my desire and passion forge ahead? If she says, in the end "NO" there is nothing I can do, is there? No matter how wrong I feel it is? Is it OK for me to push and make her try to break those clouds of fear? I'm trying to respect boundaries (i.e. not call everyday) and such so she doesn't feel too crowded. I think it's working so far.
It sounds like to me she's trying to slowly distance herself to not have to cut things off cleanly. You guys aren't living together and it's long distance. She may just have some other beau at home.
If she is depressed, then she needs to go seek help on her own.
Sad thing is that she has a child, and if this child has come to see you as a father figure of sorts. That was tough for me, when my mother's relationships would end after they got to know us kids. *But* you aren't this child's father and shouldn't feel the need to stay to protect the child, and don't continue to get him involved any more than you have. That's worse than when divorced parents use the kids as message runners. It's really damaging to the psyche.
posted by lettuchi at 10:02 AM on March 19, 2011
If she is depressed, then she needs to go seek help on her own.
Sad thing is that she has a child, and if this child has come to see you as a father figure of sorts. That was tough for me, when my mother's relationships would end after they got to know us kids. *But* you aren't this child's father and shouldn't feel the need to stay to protect the child, and don't continue to get him involved any more than you have. That's worse than when divorced parents use the kids as message runners. It's really damaging to the psyche.
posted by lettuchi at 10:02 AM on March 19, 2011
She said no, it's over, she doesn't want to be with you. You can't "fix" her. You might be able to persuade her to give it another shot, but it will be that "fine" reaction you (rightly) found off-putting. I don't recommend fighting her decision to break up.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:05 AM on March 19, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 10:05 AM on March 19, 2011 [5 favorites]
Shitty life lesson #5-- when someone says they are breaking up with you--believe them.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 10:17 AM on March 19, 2011 [26 favorites]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 10:17 AM on March 19, 2011 [26 favorites]
She definitely needs something, but it's not you. Maybe it's talk therapy. Maybe it's meds. But again, it's not you. If you move there, you'll have an in-person dysfunctional relationship instead of a long-distance dysfunctional relationship. It won't help anybody. It would probably harm you.
Let her friends and family know that she needs help, but let her go.
posted by jon1270 at 10:22 AM on March 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
Let her friends and family know that she needs help, but let her go.
posted by jon1270 at 10:22 AM on March 19, 2011 [4 favorites]
Everyone knows that long distance relationships are hard... they are. What makes them even harder is when one member (or both for that matter) needs an increased level of emotional support that can't be provided by other members of their support network. It very well may be that she still loves you, and that if the two of you lived closer, or together, the relationship would work. However, it seems pretty self-evident that this relationship is not working. And it is sad, and sounds like no one is happy it is ending, but sometimes that is the way it goes. Time to get shitfaced(or whatever works for you) and take a day or two off work and mourn.
However, the real pitfall may be to come. It well may happen that at some point in the short to medium future, when she is in the up cycle your ex-girlfriend will call, or email and say that the two of you should get back together. That will be a difficult minefield to maneuver as it could either just become part of the overall cycle and be incredibility hard on all involved, or it could be a sincere regret and desire. If it ever did come to that, I'd suggest not re-engaging unless there are significant changes in the living situation... that is unless the relationship is no longer a long distance one.
so sorry, and good luck
posted by edgeways at 10:28 AM on March 19, 2011
However, the real pitfall may be to come. It well may happen that at some point in the short to medium future, when she is in the up cycle your ex-girlfriend will call, or email and say that the two of you should get back together. That will be a difficult minefield to maneuver as it could either just become part of the overall cycle and be incredibility hard on all involved, or it could be a sincere regret and desire. If it ever did come to that, I'd suggest not re-engaging unless there are significant changes in the living situation... that is unless the relationship is no longer a long distance one.
so sorry, and good luck
posted by edgeways at 10:28 AM on March 19, 2011
She gave me the same things as before: You have a good job, economy sucks, you take care of people (i.e. my ex and our roommate) have a cat, and friends there, I have my life here.
If you have told her these things as reasons for not being physically closer to her for a span of years, she's probably decided to believe you. It sounds like it's over, but you don't want to let it go since you've just decided that she's more important than the other things. Terrible timing for you, but there it is. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and for her is to let her go.
posted by Houstonian at 10:32 AM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you have told her these things as reasons for not being physically closer to her for a span of years, she's probably decided to believe you. It sounds like it's over, but you don't want to let it go since you've just decided that she's more important than the other things. Terrible timing for you, but there it is. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and for her is to let her go.
posted by Houstonian at 10:32 AM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
You sound mixed up. You can't help.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I read where the relationship with you is bumming her out, but I don't see her as being In Crisis. She sounds fine and rational. It sounds like the drama of your long distance demands are really really stressing her out, though. Could that be true?
posted by jbenben at 10:37 AM on March 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
Maybe I'm wrong, but I read where the relationship with you is bumming her out, but I don't see her as being In Crisis. She sounds fine and rational. It sounds like the drama of your long distance demands are really really stressing her out, though. Could that be true?
posted by jbenben at 10:37 AM on March 19, 2011 [2 favorites]
If it is depression, you can't talk her out of it and you can't "Pink Hulk" it out of her. You have to abide by her wishes, wish her the best and move on with your lfe. You can't fix her.
If it's not depression, you've said your piece. You've told her that you love her and you want to be with her. She apparently doesn't.
Ultimately despite what your Facebook status says, you're broken up. Sorry.
posted by inturnaround at 10:44 AM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
If it's not depression, you've said your piece. You've told her that you love her and you want to be with her. She apparently doesn't.
Ultimately despite what your Facebook status says, you're broken up. Sorry.
posted by inturnaround at 10:44 AM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I know this is hard, but everything you read as "she doesn't really want to break up" reads to me as "she wants to break up but doesn't want to hurt you." And this is getting it from your perspective -- a perspective that is, for obvious reasons, going to frame it most towards the way you want, either consciously or likely not, to read it.
Even if she is clinically depressed/bipolar, the worst thing you can do is tell someone that their feelings aren't "real", that something that they have said they want is not what they "really" want. It's dismissive and undercuts their self-worth. And, speaking from experience, while she might appreciate you getting her help, she won't appreciate that once she feels better.
So what to do? Be there as a friend like you said that you want to do. If you find that too hard or find yourself acting as a friend solely hoping to get things back to where they used to be, step back. If she does change her mind, the impetus of that has to be completely hers -- otherwise, you're manipulating her into the situation. And despite the harsh language I may have used here, I don't think that's something you're interested in doing.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:53 AM on March 19, 2011 [13 favorites]
Even if she is clinically depressed/bipolar, the worst thing you can do is tell someone that their feelings aren't "real", that something that they have said they want is not what they "really" want. It's dismissive and undercuts their self-worth. And, speaking from experience, while she might appreciate you getting her help, she won't appreciate that once she feels better.
So what to do? Be there as a friend like you said that you want to do. If you find that too hard or find yourself acting as a friend solely hoping to get things back to where they used to be, step back. If she does change her mind, the impetus of that has to be completely hers -- otherwise, you're manipulating her into the situation. And despite the harsh language I may have used here, I don't think that's something you're interested in doing.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:53 AM on March 19, 2011 [13 favorites]
I think you should set aside the question of your relationship and its future and focus on getting her help immediately.
A long time ago I was your girlfriend -- severely depressed with a long distance boyfriend. I wasn't good at articulating my needs, and I would often push him away as a way of saying "help me." If she is suicidal and depressed as you say and there wasn't some other issues going on prior to this that you didn't mention, then I think this is what she is doing by the way she is phrasing what she is saying. She sound wishy-washy at times ("fine, move here"), when you start to accept the break-up she seems to get more upset.
However, before you view this as a blessing to rush out there and help her, I will also tell you that my boyfriend at the time often rushed to my aid, and it started a vicious cycle of dependence that kept me from getting the help I really needed. That didn't happen until he was out of my life and I had no one to lean on so heavily.
She is bipolar. What has she done to help herself in the past? Is she on any medication? Tried therapy? Has she had manic or depressive episodes previously while you've been dating? What's your relationship been like aside from this?
I don't recall you mentioning her son's age. If he is older perhaps he can help in getting her to some therapy or a psychiatrist. If he is younger, enlist other family members or friends or a previous therapist or doctor if she has one. I think the best thing you can do is help her get some help. That can be overwhelming if one is depressed. You may need to actually call places and make appointments for her -- but only if that is what she wants. If she is vehemently opposed, you can't force her to get help.
Feel free to MeMail me.
posted by unannihilated at 10:54 AM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
A long time ago I was your girlfriend -- severely depressed with a long distance boyfriend. I wasn't good at articulating my needs, and I would often push him away as a way of saying "help me." If she is suicidal and depressed as you say and there wasn't some other issues going on prior to this that you didn't mention, then I think this is what she is doing by the way she is phrasing what she is saying. She sound wishy-washy at times ("fine, move here"), when you start to accept the break-up she seems to get more upset.
However, before you view this as a blessing to rush out there and help her, I will also tell you that my boyfriend at the time often rushed to my aid, and it started a vicious cycle of dependence that kept me from getting the help I really needed. That didn't happen until he was out of my life and I had no one to lean on so heavily.
She is bipolar. What has she done to help herself in the past? Is she on any medication? Tried therapy? Has she had manic or depressive episodes previously while you've been dating? What's your relationship been like aside from this?
I don't recall you mentioning her son's age. If he is older perhaps he can help in getting her to some therapy or a psychiatrist. If he is younger, enlist other family members or friends or a previous therapist or doctor if she has one. I think the best thing you can do is help her get some help. That can be overwhelming if one is depressed. You may need to actually call places and make appointments for her -- but only if that is what she wants. If she is vehemently opposed, you can't force her to get help.
Feel free to MeMail me.
posted by unannihilated at 10:54 AM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm just not seeing the ambivalence that you see in this situation.
Instead, I see YOU finding a way to interpret her feelings...
"That was my cue that maybe she didn't really wanna break it off."
"But, then I realized that I should try to get there..."
"said she wanted to breakup. I insisted "no..." The stress was too much she said"
and then I read..."but she feels so broken and unable to succeed in a relationship and afraid that it might not work with us, that she'd rather it fail now and not risk it."
The truth is she DID risk it with you...and it isn't working.
It sounds as if she does have some kind of support, it just isn't you.
"She told me in the coming days she told her family and they were sad but supportive..."
Instead of focusing on your relationship, the focus should be on her getting help. If she needs to do that as a single person, then so be it. I don't see that her son or family has contacted you with worry or concern over her mental status at this time. I only see that you are not allowing her to exit the relationship and that has got to be stressful to her.
You also say that you have anxiety issues... take this time to get a little more clarity and good health for yourself. Good luck to you.
posted by calgirl at 11:10 AM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Instead, I see YOU finding a way to interpret her feelings...
"That was my cue that maybe she didn't really wanna break it off."
"But, then I realized that I should try to get there..."
"said she wanted to breakup. I insisted "no..." The stress was too much she said"
and then I read..."but she feels so broken and unable to succeed in a relationship and afraid that it might not work with us, that she'd rather it fail now and not risk it."
The truth is she DID risk it with you...and it isn't working.
It sounds as if she does have some kind of support, it just isn't you.
"She told me in the coming days she told her family and they were sad but supportive..."
Instead of focusing on your relationship, the focus should be on her getting help. If she needs to do that as a single person, then so be it. I don't see that her son or family has contacted you with worry or concern over her mental status at this time. I only see that you are not allowing her to exit the relationship and that has got to be stressful to her.
You also say that you have anxiety issues... take this time to get a little more clarity and good health for yourself. Good luck to you.
posted by calgirl at 11:10 AM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your partner has been trying to break up with you since December. Let her go. She doesn't want to be with you.
Don't pin your hopes on a Facebook status. She hadn't told her son, maybe she hasn't told other people in her life. Maybe it just hasn't occurred to her that Facebook notes her relationships. It's just a silly Facebook status. If she posted a message saying "I dumped his ass" would that work for you? Or would you find some other thread of hope to grab?
Be practical here. Are you really willing to give up a job and home for someone who's been giving you the brush off for months?
posted by 26.2 at 11:10 AM on March 19, 2011 [9 favorites]
Don't pin your hopes on a Facebook status. She hadn't told her son, maybe she hasn't told other people in her life. Maybe it just hasn't occurred to her that Facebook notes her relationships. It's just a silly Facebook status. If she posted a message saying "I dumped his ass" would that work for you? Or would you find some other thread of hope to grab?
Be practical here. Are you really willing to give up a job and home for someone who's been giving you the brush off for months?
posted by 26.2 at 11:10 AM on March 19, 2011 [9 favorites]
She doesn't want to live with you. She wants to break up. She didn't say, "If you don't move here, we're going to have to break up." She just broke up with you. She didn't sign the lease, and she lied about it. (!)
So, is this depression?
You mentioned you think she's spiraling into a downward phase of her bipolar, but the only details you really give about that involve her pulling away from you. Is she exhibiting bipolar behavior in other aspects of her life? How's her job and her social life and her relationship with her son, family, and friends? Is she eating and sleeping alright? Is she financially stable and spending responsibly?
I'm really sorry, but it sounds to me life the relationship is over. And I don't think you should involve her kid again. But I think this is going to end up being a good thing for you, the kind of relationship that makes you a better partner to the next person you fall in love with. And you deserve better than, ""Fine, move here..."
posted by juliplease at 12:04 PM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
So, is this depression?
You mentioned you think she's spiraling into a downward phase of her bipolar, but the only details you really give about that involve her pulling away from you. Is she exhibiting bipolar behavior in other aspects of her life? How's her job and her social life and her relationship with her son, family, and friends? Is she eating and sleeping alright? Is she financially stable and spending responsibly?
I'm really sorry, but it sounds to me life the relationship is over. And I don't think you should involve her kid again. But I think this is going to end up being a good thing for you, the kind of relationship that makes you a better partner to the next person you fall in love with. And you deserve better than, ""Fine, move here..."
posted by juliplease at 12:04 PM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
She's telling you she doesn't want to be with you any more, and you're using the fact that she is mentally ill and you are not as an excuse to disbelieve her. If she's got the support of her family, she doesn't need you to save her from herself, she needs you to respect her wishes as you would respect those of someone who was not bipolar. Sidhedevil recently remarked, "people who tell you that you don't understand yourself as well as they do are people from whom you should run like the motherfucking WIND," and you are being that guy. Knock it off.
posted by milk white peacock at 12:20 PM on March 19, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by milk white peacock at 12:20 PM on March 19, 2011 [7 favorites]
Instead of focusing on your relationship, the focus should be on her getting help. If she needs to do that as a single person, then so be it.
Absolutely. Your relationship is not the priority here; her mental health is. You can encourage her to get the help she needs (therapy, meds, whatever), but essentially trying to force her to stay in a relationship that she has expressed, repeatedly, that she wants to end is not in fact helpful, healthy, or loving for anyone involved.
She wants to end your romantic relationship. Please show her the respect by allowing her to make this decision and to recognize her feelings as real. You can show her that you still care for her by helping her get help, but I really believe that's the limit to what you can do here.
posted by scody at 1:21 PM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Absolutely. Your relationship is not the priority here; her mental health is. You can encourage her to get the help she needs (therapy, meds, whatever), but essentially trying to force her to stay in a relationship that she has expressed, repeatedly, that she wants to end is not in fact helpful, healthy, or loving for anyone involved.
She wants to end your romantic relationship. Please show her the respect by allowing her to make this decision and to recognize her feelings as real. You can show her that you still care for her by helping her get help, but I really believe that's the limit to what you can do here.
posted by scody at 1:21 PM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Twenty five years and counting with a BP wife. Twenty four years and counting with a BP son. The only thing I've learned so far is acceptance. So far, there doesn't seem to be a cure.
Without acceptance and understanding, the highs and lows can seem insane and unruly, but that's only because they are insane and unruly.
Oh wait, there's one other thing I've learned about BP: no two BPs are the same (I hate categorizing earth humans as "BP": Bipolar is a diagnosis, not a disease, not a person, not a judgment, and NOT an excuse).
THIS (whatever "this" currently is) is what she is right now. That might change. No, that WILL change. You can't fix it. You can ride the roller coaster or you can run screaming. These are your choices.
Patty Duke called it "Brilliant Madness". If there's one generalization I can make about Bipolar "Disorder", it's that BP is very well described as brilliant madness. I could cite examples, but you can do that yourself.
If you decide to ride the roller coaster, you need to find a way to protect yourself. You are in an atypical relationship, you need to create an atypical support system. Don't be ashamed. Don't be vulnerable. Don't turn your back when she's holding a knife (trust me).
Read up on BP, but start with DSM-IV. You'll see that there is no chemical, physiological, or pathological basis for this diagnosis. It's only a checklist. After you do this, try to talk to other .. um .. victims of BP.
I know this is bad advice. It's all I can give. Good luck.
posted by stubby phillips at 1:31 PM on March 19, 2011
Without acceptance and understanding, the highs and lows can seem insane and unruly, but that's only because they are insane and unruly.
Oh wait, there's one other thing I've learned about BP: no two BPs are the same (I hate categorizing earth humans as "BP": Bipolar is a diagnosis, not a disease, not a person, not a judgment, and NOT an excuse).
THIS (whatever "this" currently is) is what she is right now. That might change. No, that WILL change. You can't fix it. You can ride the roller coaster or you can run screaming. These are your choices.
Patty Duke called it "Brilliant Madness". If there's one generalization I can make about Bipolar "Disorder", it's that BP is very well described as brilliant madness. I could cite examples, but you can do that yourself.
If you decide to ride the roller coaster, you need to find a way to protect yourself. You are in an atypical relationship, you need to create an atypical support system. Don't be ashamed. Don't be vulnerable. Don't turn your back when she's holding a knife (trust me).
Read up on BP, but start with DSM-IV. You'll see that there is no chemical, physiological, or pathological basis for this diagnosis. It's only a checklist. After you do this, try to talk to other .. um .. victims of BP.
I know this is bad advice. It's all I can give. Good luck.
posted by stubby phillips at 1:31 PM on March 19, 2011
Oh, and I meant to respond to this in the original question:
This recent "dumping" of hers made me realize how much I want this relationship to work.
I don't mean this at all flippantly or sarcastically; in fact, I mean it in all sincerity and kindness: just because you want something doesn't mean it's either right or possible for you to have it. We all want things that we can't have, and sometimes that's very, very painful. But that's just one of the basic facts about being alive. She is ending your relationship and that is painful for you, so you want to find a way to stop the pain by freezing the relationship in place. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. (Again, not being flip.)
Your role is to stop denying her feelings and agency, accept that she wants to end things (she didn't "dump" you, in quotation marks; she actually broke up with you), encourage her one last time to make sure she's getting the medical help she needs, and then stop focusing on her and her illness and start focusing on yourself, so that you can acknowledge and work through your own feelings and mental health as you deal with the end of your relationship.
posted by scody at 1:37 PM on March 19, 2011 [8 favorites]
This recent "dumping" of hers made me realize how much I want this relationship to work.
I don't mean this at all flippantly or sarcastically; in fact, I mean it in all sincerity and kindness: just because you want something doesn't mean it's either right or possible for you to have it. We all want things that we can't have, and sometimes that's very, very painful. But that's just one of the basic facts about being alive. She is ending your relationship and that is painful for you, so you want to find a way to stop the pain by freezing the relationship in place. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. (Again, not being flip.)
Your role is to stop denying her feelings and agency, accept that she wants to end things (she didn't "dump" you, in quotation marks; she actually broke up with you), encourage her one last time to make sure she's getting the medical help she needs, and then stop focusing on her and her illness and start focusing on yourself, so that you can acknowledge and work through your own feelings and mental health as you deal with the end of your relationship.
posted by scody at 1:37 PM on March 19, 2011 [8 favorites]
Don't fight. Let her go.
And let her know she is welcome back.
posted by Flood at 3:05 PM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
And let her know she is welcome back.
posted by Flood at 3:05 PM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Do I, like my body says, fight for what I want? I admit, it gets harder and harder to fight the more the struggle goes on, and I'm afraid of breaking her.
Holding on is breaking her. Let her go.
Between your lines, it also sounds like you're more afraid of the idea of a failed relationship than in this particular woman.
Think of it as a learning experience. Stop calling her.
posted by rokusan at 8:39 PM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
Holding on is breaking her. Let her go.
Between your lines, it also sounds like you're more afraid of the idea of a failed relationship than in this particular woman.
Think of it as a learning experience. Stop calling her.
posted by rokusan at 8:39 PM on March 19, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by empath at 9:42 AM on March 19, 2011 [4 favorites]