How can I get my fiancée to take care of his blackheads?
March 2, 2011 4:15 PM Subscribe
When my fiancée and I first started dating, I realized that what I had originally taken as freckles were, from a closer viewpoint, actually blackheads - a LOT of blackheads, in virtually every pore on his nose and many across his cheeks. It's... gross. Obviously I love him, but I do find myself zoning out sometimes while he's talking, just staring at one, and I wonder if our friends also have noticed and think less of him because of it.
- He's asked me if I think other people think it's gross, and I said something (non-hurtfully) along the lines of "yes," but that seems to have failed to motivate him.
- I've tried introducing super-duper blackhead exterminator face washes into our shower, only to realize 6 months later that he has no idea it's in there and is still washing his face with shampoo(!) - he is deeply convinced that he has "great skin" and doesn't need a "special soap - it's all the same."
- I've tried pinning him down and getting one or two before he gets annoyed and makes me stop.
- I've even resorted to (please don't judge!) getting some of the worst ones while he's in a deep sleep and can't stop me.
- I've thought about buying him a combo massage/facial package, because he loves massages and won't feel bad that I bought him a facial only.
Obviously, none of these things have worked or will work long-term. I would like to solve this once and for all, and really get through to him that personal hygiene is important, and people, including me, can be put off by this. However, I keep waiting for the perfect time to bring it up that won't hurt his feelings, and it's just not happening. That original conversation above where he asked if other people think it's gross and I said yes didn't even get through!
MeFi, help me! Do you have any ideas? Are there any movie scenes out there where people discuss how gross blackheads are that I can arrange to watch together? Anything else? (Besides brutal honesty - that is always on my back burner - really just looking for non-confrontational things at this point)
- He's asked me if I think other people think it's gross, and I said something (non-hurtfully) along the lines of "yes," but that seems to have failed to motivate him.
- I've tried introducing super-duper blackhead exterminator face washes into our shower, only to realize 6 months later that he has no idea it's in there and is still washing his face with shampoo(!) - he is deeply convinced that he has "great skin" and doesn't need a "special soap - it's all the same."
- I've tried pinning him down and getting one or two before he gets annoyed and makes me stop.
- I've even resorted to (please don't judge!) getting some of the worst ones while he's in a deep sleep and can't stop me.
- I've thought about buying him a combo massage/facial package, because he loves massages and won't feel bad that I bought him a facial only.
Obviously, none of these things have worked or will work long-term. I would like to solve this once and for all, and really get through to him that personal hygiene is important, and people, including me, can be put off by this. However, I keep waiting for the perfect time to bring it up that won't hurt his feelings, and it's just not happening. That original conversation above where he asked if other people think it's gross and I said yes didn't even get through!
MeFi, help me! Do you have any ideas? Are there any movie scenes out there where people discuss how gross blackheads are that I can arrange to watch together? Anything else? (Besides brutal honesty - that is always on my back burner - really just looking for non-confrontational things at this point)
really just looking for non-confrontational things at this point
You mean passive-aggressive. That's not so cool. Clearly it bothers you, for whatever reason. I think it's related to your first point, in which you focus on what other people think.
Tell him you're making a dermatologist appointment for him, and do it. Tell him the condition of his skin bothers you. Tell him why, if you can.
posted by supercres at 4:21 PM on March 2, 2011 [28 favorites]
You mean passive-aggressive. That's not so cool. Clearly it bothers you, for whatever reason. I think it's related to your first point, in which you focus on what other people think.
Tell him you're making a dermatologist appointment for him, and do it. Tell him the condition of his skin bothers you. Tell him why, if you can.
posted by supercres at 4:21 PM on March 2, 2011 [28 favorites]
Yeah, if you don' t wanna just man-up and go the brutal honesty thing, get some Biore strips, put one on yourself and one on him, and then blow him while he's waiting.
(serious suggestion)
posted by Lutoslawski at 4:22 PM on March 2, 2011 [14 favorites]
(serious suggestion)
posted by Lutoslawski at 4:22 PM on March 2, 2011 [14 favorites]
okay, here's a thought: the thing that is to me mega gross about blackheads is not their appearance per se, but the amount of ick that lies beneath. I wouldn't advise tackling him and popping them or doing the sleep thing and putting the ick on a kleenex or whatever, but if there's a voluntary popping, won't the ick convince him?
posted by angrycat at 4:23 PM on March 2, 2011
posted by angrycat at 4:23 PM on March 2, 2011
Besides brutal honesty - that is always on my back burner - really just looking for non-confrontational things at this point
I think you've been pretty confrontational:
- He's asked me if I think other people think it's gross, and I said something (non-hurtfully) along the lines of "yes," but that seems to have failed to motivate him.
- I've tried introducing super-duper blackhead exterminator face washes into our shower, only to realize 6 months later that he has no idea it's in there and is still washing his face with shampoo(!) - he is deeply convinced that he has "great skin" and doesn't need a "special soap - it's all the same."
- I've tried pinning him down and getting one or two before he gets annoyed and makes me stop.
- I've even resorted to (please don't judge!) getting some of the worst ones while he's in a deep sleep and can't stop me.
So, if you're that grossed out by them, and he obviously doesn't care about his large pores,
why are you marrying him? Did you just figure all of this out recently?
I used to have cystic acne along with large pores and tried everything in the world. Nothing I could do about it. I felt like shit, but it didn't hinder my ability to be in relationships.
You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. Especially cosmetically.
Do you have any flaws? How would you like it if your fiancee kept rubbing cocoa butter and/or cellulite cream all over you while you were sleeping to reduce stretchmarks and cellulite? Or if he was grossed out because you gained 5 pounds and kept nagging about your weight and slipping you diet pills?
posted by KogeLiz at 4:26 PM on March 2, 2011 [33 favorites]
I think you've been pretty confrontational:
- He's asked me if I think other people think it's gross, and I said something (non-hurtfully) along the lines of "yes," but that seems to have failed to motivate him.
- I've tried introducing super-duper blackhead exterminator face washes into our shower, only to realize 6 months later that he has no idea it's in there and is still washing his face with shampoo(!) - he is deeply convinced that he has "great skin" and doesn't need a "special soap - it's all the same."
- I've tried pinning him down and getting one or two before he gets annoyed and makes me stop.
- I've even resorted to (please don't judge!) getting some of the worst ones while he's in a deep sleep and can't stop me.
So, if you're that grossed out by them, and he obviously doesn't care about his large pores,
why are you marrying him? Did you just figure all of this out recently?
I used to have cystic acne along with large pores and tried everything in the world. Nothing I could do about it. I felt like shit, but it didn't hinder my ability to be in relationships.
You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. Especially cosmetically.
Do you have any flaws? How would you like it if your fiancee kept rubbing cocoa butter and/or cellulite cream all over you while you were sleeping to reduce stretchmarks and cellulite? Or if he was grossed out because you gained 5 pounds and kept nagging about your weight and slipping you diet pills?
posted by KogeLiz at 4:26 PM on March 2, 2011 [33 favorites]
I second jenny76's suggestion, seriously. Biore strips are fun. Get the "ultra" ones with menthol and witch hazel. He might be pretty impressed to see what comes out. (I actually get disappointed when I get one with nothing on it.)
posted by dayintoday at 4:27 PM on March 2, 2011
posted by dayintoday at 4:27 PM on March 2, 2011
Can you shell out for a really nice facial? Because extracting those things totally hurts even WITH the perfect tool and good light. It's nice to have it sugar coated with a foot massage, etc.
fwiw, I had never dealt with mine because ALL those cleaners, strips, etc screwed up my skin even worse, so that it became uncomfortable and red (and had more blatant zits) so don't go crazy on the strips or witch hazel til you test.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:29 PM on March 2, 2011
fwiw, I had never dealt with mine because ALL those cleaners, strips, etc screwed up my skin even worse, so that it became uncomfortable and red (and had more blatant zits) so don't go crazy on the strips or witch hazel til you test.
posted by small_ruminant at 4:29 PM on March 2, 2011
Do not do anything else passive aggressive. No strategic movie scenes. No covert ops (pops?). Just book the combo facial/massage (and maybe one for yourself so it's a couple thing) and tell him how important it is that he at least try. And what is the harm in doing something good for himself? It may take hearing from a professional just how bad it is (they're usually pretty blunt and objective) and how easy it may be to get under control. Try for a med-spa or something more professional than a normal woo-woo massage place.
The cheaper route of Biore strip and blow job is also an acceptable alternative.
posted by Juicy Avenger at 4:31 PM on March 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
The cheaper route of Biore strip and blow job is also an acceptable alternative.
posted by Juicy Avenger at 4:31 PM on March 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
This strikes me as similar to a lot of "in a relationship, how to have a difficult conversation" AskMes. There's never going to be a perfect time to have this conversation. Just do it and don't make a big deal out of it. E.g., "Babe, I love you. And blackheads are kind of gross! Please start using this benzoyl peroxide facewash."
Your passive agressive approach is making a huge deal out of this. Plus, he's already resisted that. So, the more you keep that up, the bigger of a deal it becomes. I'm not advising "brutal" honesty -- for pete's sake don't explain to him the depth of how disgusted you are by him -- but rather to have this conversation in a brief, straightforward way. He's already starting to be stubborn, it sounds like, and he's more likely to be cooperative if you treat him like an adult and have an adult conversation.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:34 PM on March 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
Your passive agressive approach is making a huge deal out of this. Plus, he's already resisted that. So, the more you keep that up, the bigger of a deal it becomes. I'm not advising "brutal" honesty -- for pete's sake don't explain to him the depth of how disgusted you are by him -- but rather to have this conversation in a brief, straightforward way. He's already starting to be stubborn, it sounds like, and he's more likely to be cooperative if you treat him like an adult and have an adult conversation.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:34 PM on March 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
It's really easy to think that all soaps are the same... If you never tried the fancyschmancy kind! And using it for just one day doesn't do much -- it's not enough time for it to make much of a difference.
Could you perhaps get him to promise to use a special, blackhead exterminator facewash for a week, straight? Maybe even two? Then, at that point, he'll hopefully see some significant change in his skin and be convinced to switch to it completely.
The trick is to set up the promise as something special he'll be doing for you. He doesn't have to think it'll work, he doesn't have to think it's even worth doing, he just has to agree to do it because you asked him to.
posted by meese at 4:39 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Could you perhaps get him to promise to use a special, blackhead exterminator facewash for a week, straight? Maybe even two? Then, at that point, he'll hopefully see some significant change in his skin and be convinced to switch to it completely.
The trick is to set up the promise as something special he'll be doing for you. He doesn't have to think it'll work, he doesn't have to think it's even worth doing, he just has to agree to do it because you asked him to.
posted by meese at 4:39 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
You don't need to convince him that other people think his skin is gross. Other people don't care about his skin. You need to convince him that it matters to you that he try to get rid of the blackheads. He doesn't need to do anything about them--they're not hurting him or anyone else. This is for you. It's reasonable to make a request for your own benefit, but don't pretend it's something else.
"I find those blackheads off-putting. Will you indulge me and use this face wash/get a facial/see a dermatologist?"
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:40 PM on March 2, 2011 [10 favorites]
"I find those blackheads off-putting. Will you indulge me and use this face wash/get a facial/see a dermatologist?"
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:40 PM on March 2, 2011 [10 favorites]
If you're engaged to be married, and you're already on the level of discussing the situation, just say, "No, soap is not all the same. The skin on your face is delicate, and you should use the right tool for the job."
Just use a clear, confident tone that says, "I am in a position of authority on this matter," as if you were telling him the capital of Namibia or how the maillard reaction works.
If he still balks, I'd just say, "OK, then, have bad skin, see if I care..." and drop the issue. Unless it honestly makes you feel less attracted to him, in which case you might as well come out and say it.
I think picking at his skin, especially when you know he dislikes it, is bad form.
Also, for what it's worth, while I love facials (that's what she said), I find that they can clog my pores and make me break out more rather than less. I'm not sure it's really a solution, unless you think the facialist is going to give him a lecture about skin care that he will actually listen to.
posted by Sara C. at 4:43 PM on March 2, 2011 [6 favorites]
Just use a clear, confident tone that says, "I am in a position of authority on this matter," as if you were telling him the capital of Namibia or how the maillard reaction works.
If he still balks, I'd just say, "OK, then, have bad skin, see if I care..." and drop the issue. Unless it honestly makes you feel less attracted to him, in which case you might as well come out and say it.
I think picking at his skin, especially when you know he dislikes it, is bad form.
Also, for what it's worth, while I love facials (that's what she said), I find that they can clog my pores and make me break out more rather than less. I'm not sure it's really a solution, unless you think the facialist is going to give him a lecture about skin care that he will actually listen to.
posted by Sara C. at 4:43 PM on March 2, 2011 [6 favorites]
Honestly, address it as something that makes him look less attractive AND healthy. If he has insurance, he should go to the dermatologist, for crying out loud! They are DOCTORS who can help him. He can't possibly suggest that they are "just the same" as washing his face with shampoo.
posted by two lights above the sea at 4:48 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by two lights above the sea at 4:48 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I was you. My spouse (married 6 years, together 12, 2 kids) has not-so-great skin. I fixated on the blackheads for a long time, and then I finally tried the honest route. Now it's just one more bit of loving, yet disgusting, spouse currency.
[Baby starts crying, us sitting on couch downstairs]
S.O: Can you go up and check on the baby?
Me: I think it's your turn
S.O: I know, but I'm soooo comfortable.
Me: I will if I can squeeze three things on your face
S.O: One.
Me: Two.
S.O: Two, and you get me a glass of wine on the way back
Me: Deal.
[Scene]
It's disgusting, and I registered a sock puppet account JUST FOR THIS ANSWER. BUT it's better than fixating on them and thinking, "If they ever pass out, first thing I'm doing is making sure they're ok, but the second thing I'm doing is taking care of ALL of those before the paramedics get here."
And I bet you've thought that too.
posted by Notorious S.O.C.K at 4:56 PM on March 2, 2011 [49 favorites]
[Baby starts crying, us sitting on couch downstairs]
S.O: Can you go up and check on the baby?
Me: I think it's your turn
S.O: I know, but I'm soooo comfortable.
Me: I will if I can squeeze three things on your face
S.O: One.
Me: Two.
S.O: Two, and you get me a glass of wine on the way back
Me: Deal.
[Scene]
It's disgusting, and I registered a sock puppet account JUST FOR THIS ANSWER. BUT it's better than fixating on them and thinking, "If they ever pass out, first thing I'm doing is making sure they're ok, but the second thing I'm doing is taking care of ALL of those before the paramedics get here."
And I bet you've thought that too.
posted by Notorious S.O.C.K at 4:56 PM on March 2, 2011 [49 favorites]
He may not need a dermatologist. It sounds like he doesn't even do the minimum adult facial cleansing routine. Tell him he should use actual face wash. Do Biore strips. I used to do this with my boyfriend and it was super fun. He also wasn't very good about washing his face often enough or with the right stuff for his oily skin. This sounds like a laziness thing resulting in some clogged pores not a "he has some medical problem he can't help like cystic acne and you should stop being judgmental" thing.
posted by elpea at 5:08 PM on March 2, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by elpea at 5:08 PM on March 2, 2011 [5 favorites]
Seconding the Biore strips and blowjob idea. Shell out for the ultra mega uber Biore strips, and make a note that they come in different sizes for different parts of the face.
I use Biore strips about twice a year now, because I use Retin A Micro, the very generic version. It costs about $5 from All Day Chemist, but they have $25 flat shipping, so I buy several tubes at a time, once a year or less. I spend about $50.
So maybe Biore to jump start, and then Retin A before bed? It's just a little cream, way less objectionable than squeezing, so maybe he'll just let you put it on him?
posted by Leta at 5:10 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I use Biore strips about twice a year now, because I use Retin A Micro, the very generic version. It costs about $5 from All Day Chemist, but they have $25 flat shipping, so I buy several tubes at a time, once a year or less. I spend about $50.
So maybe Biore to jump start, and then Retin A before bed? It's just a little cream, way less objectionable than squeezing, so maybe he'll just let you put it on him?
posted by Leta at 5:10 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
You're my hero for popping them in his sleep. That's awesome.
I'm sure you can get him to use a biore strip at least once (might have to barter sex). If he sees the filth that comes out on one you might have him hooked.
posted by Patbon at 5:12 PM on March 2, 2011
I'm sure you can get him to use a biore strip at least once (might have to barter sex). If he sees the filth that comes out on one you might have him hooked.
posted by Patbon at 5:12 PM on March 2, 2011
As a person with bad skin, I would be humiliated and pissed if my spouse dealt with this in any way other than direct and respectful.
People above given you various ways to bring it up, and that's what you need to do.
Whether the first step is a dermatologist, a facial or pro-activ, you need to address the issue like an adult.
Also, as a person with bad skin, I come across as very blase about my skin because I was ashamed and embarrassed about it for so many years. I'm only up front with how I really feel with my spouse. Maybe he's not there yet with you, especially if you've been passive aggressive up until now.
posted by freshwater at 5:13 PM on March 2, 2011 [20 favorites]
People above given you various ways to bring it up, and that's what you need to do.
Whether the first step is a dermatologist, a facial or pro-activ, you need to address the issue like an adult.
Also, as a person with bad skin, I come across as very blase about my skin because I was ashamed and embarrassed about it for so many years. I'm only up front with how I really feel with my spouse. Maybe he's not there yet with you, especially if you've been passive aggressive up until now.
posted by freshwater at 5:13 PM on March 2, 2011 [20 favorites]
he is deeply convinced that he has "great skin" and doesn't need a "special soap - it's all the same."
Um. I am in the camp of "if he doesn't feel poorly about himself because of this, why do you want to try to make him feel poorly about himself because of this?"
If you're seriously going to pursue this thing that's essentially none of your business, I have an idea for a place to start, though. Think about how you would like to be told that your ass is really getting fat (does it involve your boyfriend cooking you a special anniversary dinner and the dinner is a skinless boiled chicken breast and 1/4 cup of cottage cheese, because he thought that would hurt your feelings less? does it involve being invited out for a romantic walk and then he hands you a pedometer and 3 lb. weights?).
posted by so_gracefully at 5:22 PM on March 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
Um. I am in the camp of "if he doesn't feel poorly about himself because of this, why do you want to try to make him feel poorly about himself because of this?"
If you're seriously going to pursue this thing that's essentially none of your business, I have an idea for a place to start, though. Think about how you would like to be told that your ass is really getting fat (does it involve your boyfriend cooking you a special anniversary dinner and the dinner is a skinless boiled chicken breast and 1/4 cup of cottage cheese, because he thought that would hurt your feelings less? does it involve being invited out for a romantic walk and then he hands you a pedometer and 3 lb. weights?).
posted by so_gracefully at 5:22 PM on March 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
OP here. Originally anonymous bc I didn't want him to find this... but maybe it'd be a good thing if he did. Anyway, good suggestions. I do wonder why everyone always jumps to "well why are you marrying him then?" in these types of threads - I'm marrying him because I love him and want to have a life with him, but it would be cool if the blackheads didn't come along. That's it.
elpea has it in that this is a "a laziness thing resulting in some clogged pores not a "he has some medical problem he can't help like cystic acne and you should stop being judgmental" thing." He really does have good skin, except for the blackheads. He just doesn't get "products" and WHY he should bother to use different stuff on different parts of him.
Notorious S.O.C.K. - you made me laugh out loud!
I guess I'll just be more forward and get him to Biore with me.
posted by coupdefoudre at 5:27 PM on March 2, 2011
elpea has it in that this is a "a laziness thing resulting in some clogged pores not a "he has some medical problem he can't help like cystic acne and you should stop being judgmental" thing." He really does have good skin, except for the blackheads. He just doesn't get "products" and WHY he should bother to use different stuff on different parts of him.
Notorious S.O.C.K. - you made me laugh out loud!
I guess I'll just be more forward and get him to Biore with me.
posted by coupdefoudre at 5:27 PM on March 2, 2011
And don't "barter sex" for doing Biore strips. That just sets of a weird dynamic, at least IMHO.
posted by elpea at 5:39 PM on March 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by elpea at 5:39 PM on March 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
Um.
I have blackheads on my nose. I have used Bioré strips, face washes, acne creams, peroxide, the olive oil/castor oil method, and castile soap. None work. The "extraction methods" lead to me having a swollen, pimple-ridden face for a month, followed by blackheads forming.
Is it possible that your fiancé has had a similar experience, and just wants you to leave him the hell alone about a harmless and not-particularly-unsightly skin condition?
posted by sonic meat machine at 6:02 PM on March 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
I have blackheads on my nose. I have used Bioré strips, face washes, acne creams, peroxide, the olive oil/castor oil method, and castile soap. None work. The "extraction methods" lead to me having a swollen, pimple-ridden face for a month, followed by blackheads forming.
Is it possible that your fiancé has had a similar experience, and just wants you to leave him the hell alone about a harmless and not-particularly-unsightly skin condition?
posted by sonic meat machine at 6:02 PM on March 2, 2011 [8 favorites]
Benzoyl Peroxide at 2.5% strength works wonders for my blackheads and all other acne symptoms, and I've suffered some godawful, life-ruining outbreaks over the years. A few pre-sleep applications of BP though and blackheads just melt away into surface sebum by morning. This is great because the skin isn't damaged nearly as much as with strip/scrubbing/tool based removal methods (you might get some mild redness with the first few applications), and the oily residue aids healing and can just be wiped off with tissue in the morning.
The acne.org regimen is where I learned about BP and it truly turned my life around. I wish everybody as great a success as I had with it. Here's a vid of the regimen involving BP application. I use the Jan Marini brand ($20-30 off eBay) and one bottle lasts literally years.
posted by Kandarp Von Bontee at 6:36 PM on March 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
The acne.org regimen is where I learned about BP and it truly turned my life around. I wish everybody as great a success as I had with it. Here's a vid of the regimen involving BP application. I use the Jan Marini brand ($20-30 off eBay) and one bottle lasts literally years.
posted by Kandarp Von Bontee at 6:36 PM on March 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
What sonic meat machine said. Plus seeing a dermatologist and getting medication. Didn't help enough to be worth the time and considerable money. (And 2.5% benzoyl peroxide makes me go all scaly and bleaches my pillowcases.)
I am happily married, consistently employed, and I am by no means socially isolated IRL. I am self-conscious about my skin, and when I've quietly asked a couple of my best friends about it they've said I worry too much and no one cares. Certainly nobody's ever taken me aside.
But if my partner pinned me down to squeeze my blackheads, told me other people thought less of me for having them, and squeezed my blackheads while I slept, I would view it as a bad sign for the relationship. Every partnership is different, and you did ask us not to judge you. So maybe just keep in mind this isn't quite as cut-and-dried an issue of basic hygiene or social acceptability as you believe.
posted by gingerest at 6:42 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am happily married, consistently employed, and I am by no means socially isolated IRL. I am self-conscious about my skin, and when I've quietly asked a couple of my best friends about it they've said I worry too much and no one cares. Certainly nobody's ever taken me aside.
But if my partner pinned me down to squeeze my blackheads, told me other people thought less of me for having them, and squeezed my blackheads while I slept, I would view it as a bad sign for the relationship. Every partnership is different, and you did ask us not to judge you. So maybe just keep in mind this isn't quite as cut-and-dried an issue of basic hygiene or social acceptability as you believe.
posted by gingerest at 6:42 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Now I'm realizing that I possibly offended those of you who, like sonic meat machine, have struggled with real acne. I'm sorry. To those of you who have wondered if this is a sensitive area for him: it's not. He does have good skin. He has no problem talking about it. These blackheads are the exact same thing I would have if I neglected to wash my face for 6 months. He just doesn't care enough to put forth the effort to take care of it, which I think is pretty childlike behavior, like not brushing your teeth (which I also have to remind him to do sometimes, oh, and to shower, and to get a haircut...) I love him, but he's kinda a momma's boy in some ways, and it takes some pestering to get him to do those self-care things that adult men do. Thanks to those of you who have offered advice specific to my question instead of offering your opinion on my relationship.
posted by coupdefoudre at 6:54 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by coupdefoudre at 6:54 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Are you a face picker? Because I am. Pretty obsessive about it. My skin is relatively good, but still. Pick pick pick (this sort of obsessive face picking seems to run in my family; my sister was the one who first taught me to pop a zit). Back in high school, friends used to let me squeeze their backne, and, oh god, it was bliss. Alternatively, I have a very vivid memory of sitting behind a girl in high school once who had a huge white head on her shoulder and it just drove me absolutely nuts.
My husband is not a face picker. He also washes his face with shampoo. He doesn't get that many zits, but when he does I go absolutely nuts with wanting to pop them. And he (usually) doesn't let me, because he knows they go away without picking. He likes to point out how much worse my skin is because I squeeze my blackheads (incidentally, the blackheads that collect in the pores of pretty much every human ever's nose are not actually blackheads. There's another name for them, which I forget, but basically they'll always refill almost instantly).
But you're not going to be able to force him to change. You're just going to drive yourself nuts with this, and annoy him. Honestly, the only way my husband's ever let me touch his skin is through careful bartering of the kind that Notorious S.O.C.K describes (plus, he has to think the zit looks terrible. And I have to wash my hands and clean it with alcohol after, all sorts of precautions that I bet you're not taking when you do this as he sleeps). And I've realized that's better. It's bad enough that I pick pick pick my own skin (and I probably should do CBT or get medication for it, but I've gotten much better over the years), but I really shouldn't force it on others.
And honestly, I don't think you should, either.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:10 PM on March 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
My husband is not a face picker. He also washes his face with shampoo. He doesn't get that many zits, but when he does I go absolutely nuts with wanting to pop them. And he (usually) doesn't let me, because he knows they go away without picking. He likes to point out how much worse my skin is because I squeeze my blackheads (incidentally, the blackheads that collect in the pores of pretty much every human ever's nose are not actually blackheads. There's another name for them, which I forget, but basically they'll always refill almost instantly).
But you're not going to be able to force him to change. You're just going to drive yourself nuts with this, and annoy him. Honestly, the only way my husband's ever let me touch his skin is through careful bartering of the kind that Notorious S.O.C.K describes (plus, he has to think the zit looks terrible. And I have to wash my hands and clean it with alcohol after, all sorts of precautions that I bet you're not taking when you do this as he sleeps). And I've realized that's better. It's bad enough that I pick pick pick my own skin (and I probably should do CBT or get medication for it, but I've gotten much better over the years), but I really shouldn't force it on others.
And honestly, I don't think you should, either.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:10 PM on March 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
Oh, also, I often have to ask my husband to get a haircut, that sort of thing. Ours sound somewhat similar. But you know, all the times I've nagged and cajoled and stuff about this have never, ever been successful, and end up making me feel frustrated, him feeling nagged (and rightfully so). Plus, it makes me sound like his mom, who is even worse with all of that. And I don't want to be his mom! So I let that kind of thing go 90% of the time, unless it's really, really necessary, and then I'm frank about it, and make it easy for him ("Hey, your mother is going to drive you [me] nuts about your hair when we see her. So how about I give you a haircut tomorrow before we leave?"
It's a pick-your-battles kind of thing, and also a respect-who-your-partner-is-fundamentally kind of thing.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:13 PM on March 2, 2011
It's a pick-your-battles kind of thing, and also a respect-who-your-partner-is-fundamentally kind of thing.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:13 PM on March 2, 2011
Not an opinion on how or even if you should confront your s.o. but if he truly has bad blackheads (and it sounds like he does) he may need Retin-A. My friend's husband has pretty good skin, or so I thought anyway. But apparently his blackheads bothered him enough that with my friend's encouraging he very reluctantly went to get a facial. The facialist did do some extractions, but recommended that the best way for a long term fix was to go to a dermatologist and get a prescription for Retin A. If he used it consistently, it would keep the build up from happening. Lost track of them so don't know how diligent he was about keeping it up, but since it was him that it bothered he probably had more motivation than it sound's like your s.o. does. But maybe if your s.o. has some macho hang-up about using "special products" for his face, he'll feel better about using a prescription product?
posted by kaybdc at 7:16 PM on March 2, 2011
posted by kaybdc at 7:16 PM on March 2, 2011
I don't think that wanting your fiancé to practice basic hygiene like brushing his teeth, showering, and washing his face is really comparable to wanting a partner to lose weight, stretchmarks, or cellulite.
I do think it's really disrespectful for you to do stuff to his skin while he's asleep, though. I would be seriously upset if someone did that to me.
posted by grouse at 8:46 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I do think it's really disrespectful for you to do stuff to his skin while he's asleep, though. I would be seriously upset if someone did that to me.
posted by grouse at 8:46 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know why I keep getting in this thread except that I was in a nearly identical situation. My then-boyfriend was also kind of a momma's boy and didn't really learn to do fancy adult taking-care-of-yourself things properly (like never got out of the teenage boy phase). He will admit this to anyone. He was a little sensitive about me telling him he needed to wash his face more/better at first, but once I made him do a biore strip, he thought they were pretty fun. I did not have to give him a beej while he did the biore strip.
You might consider that he's just forgetful (my boyfriend was) and will just not think to use face wash without prodding. It may not be that he doesn't believe you that his skin could be better or is trying to be defiant or something. My boyfriend never minded it, because he legitimately just never thought about it unless I said something.
posted by elpea at 9:33 PM on March 2, 2011
You might consider that he's just forgetful (my boyfriend was) and will just not think to use face wash without prodding. It may not be that he doesn't believe you that his skin could be better or is trying to be defiant or something. My boyfriend never minded it, because he legitimately just never thought about it unless I said something.
posted by elpea at 9:33 PM on March 2, 2011
I don't think that wanting your fiancé to practice basic hygiene like brushing his teeth, showering, and washing his face is really comparable to wanting a partner to lose weight, stretchmarks, or cellulite.
I didn't see where the OP mentioned that he wasn't brushing his teeth or taking a shower. In fact she mentions he takes showers and washes his face with shampoo.
Which I would've found odd if I didn't date a few men that did the same thing.
Some people would think that someone not trying to reduce weight, stretchmarks, cellulite, split ends, razor burn, etc. would also be something that someone needs to take care of as well.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:57 PM on March 2, 2011
I didn't see where the OP mentioned that he wasn't brushing his teeth or taking a shower. In fact she mentions he takes showers and washes his face with shampoo.
Which I would've found odd if I didn't date a few men that did the same thing.
Some people would think that someone not trying to reduce weight, stretchmarks, cellulite, split ends, razor burn, etc. would also be something that someone needs to take care of as well.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:57 PM on March 2, 2011
OP mentioned toothbrushing, showers, and haircuts in this comment. (She identified herself here, which may be why you didn't see it, if you were looking for an indented anonymous-update.)
posted by gingerest at 10:11 PM on March 2, 2011
posted by gingerest at 10:11 PM on March 2, 2011
Member since 2006, lurked for a few years before that, and Biore-and-a-blowjob is the weirdest recommendation I've seen here.
Talk to the man. See where he's coming from, and find solutions together.
posted by asuprenant at 10:13 PM on March 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
Talk to the man. See where he's coming from, and find solutions together.
posted by asuprenant at 10:13 PM on March 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you've already bought the facewash product and it's just going to go unused, can you appeal to his practical side by saying "Look, I already bought it, I'd rather not waste the money. Can you just use it until it's gone and if you don't see any improvements I won't buy it again"?
posted by platinum at 10:33 PM on March 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by platinum at 10:33 PM on March 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
If it's become a power struggle you will never convince him. Ask him for this as a big big favour (because it is!) that is very important for you and trade it for something he wants but you hate.
Bonus points if you make him laugh.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:56 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Bonus points if you make him laugh.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:56 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Re the OP's comment: I do wonder why everyone always jumps to "well why are you marrying him then?" in these types of threads - I'm marrying him because I love him and want to have a life with him, but it would be cool if the blackheads didn't come along. That's it.
I think readers are confused/concerned and/or find it worthy of remarking about because you're already on a track to marriage and it seems like those communication skills would be something you'd have developed by now... I think the underlying question here is why are you not working on more direct and constructive communication techniques that get to the real issue at hand:
"This particular [insert issue here: blackheads now; insert x later] really irks me for [insert reason here]. Here are some ideas I have [insert solutions here].
In my opinion, passive communication strategies lead to nothing other than inordinate amounts of resentment, no matter how little or big the original issue at hand.
posted by Betty's Table at 11:03 PM on March 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think readers are confused/concerned and/or find it worthy of remarking about because you're already on a track to marriage and it seems like those communication skills would be something you'd have developed by now... I think the underlying question here is why are you not working on more direct and constructive communication techniques that get to the real issue at hand:
"This particular [insert issue here: blackheads now; insert x later] really irks me for [insert reason here]. Here are some ideas I have [insert solutions here].
In my opinion, passive communication strategies lead to nothing other than inordinate amounts of resentment, no matter how little or big the original issue at hand.
posted by Betty's Table at 11:03 PM on March 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
Some people would think that someone not trying to reduce weight, stretchmarks, cellulite, split ends, razor burn, etc. would also be something that someone needs to take care of as well.
Perhaps, but none of them fall into the category of basic hygiene like bathing, brushing one's teeth, and washing one's face. I think there is a big difference.
posted by grouse at 11:20 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Perhaps, but none of them fall into the category of basic hygiene like bathing, brushing one's teeth, and washing one's face. I think there is a big difference.
posted by grouse at 11:20 PM on March 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've tried pinning him down and getting one or two before he gets annoyed and makes me stop.
I've even resorted to (please don't judge!) getting some of the worst ones while he's in a deep sleep and can't stop me.
I am alternately laughing and horrified at these scenarios. Can you imagine the reverse askme?
"My girlfriend keeps staring at my face and zoning out while I talk. The other day she pinned me down and extracted one of my blackheads. I woke up the other night and she was doing it again while I was asleep. This is weird."
I definitely understand where you are coming from. However, these tactics that you are employing may not be working for the following reasons:
- they are too subtle and not being picked up on
- they are too subtle and thus easily ignored
- dancing around the issue makes it seem shameful so he is embarrassed
- the passive aggressiveness is irritating him and keeping him from fixing things out of spite
If you are to keep avoiding the conversation, which I understand, I like the suggestion above of buying some anti-blackhead cleanser and saying "Oh, I bought this whole thing but (it smells weird, it's too foamy, whatever), you use it!". If he mentions that he already uses shampoo you can counter with "that's so harsh on your face though! maybe you should try this".
Honestly, I feel for you. I see how this can be a distraction and driving you nuts.
posted by amicamentis at 12:29 AM on March 3, 2011
I've even resorted to (please don't judge!) getting some of the worst ones while he's in a deep sleep and can't stop me.
I am alternately laughing and horrified at these scenarios. Can you imagine the reverse askme?
"My girlfriend keeps staring at my face and zoning out while I talk. The other day she pinned me down and extracted one of my blackheads. I woke up the other night and she was doing it again while I was asleep. This is weird."
I definitely understand where you are coming from. However, these tactics that you are employing may not be working for the following reasons:
- they are too subtle and not being picked up on
- they are too subtle and thus easily ignored
- dancing around the issue makes it seem shameful so he is embarrassed
- the passive aggressiveness is irritating him and keeping him from fixing things out of spite
If you are to keep avoiding the conversation, which I understand, I like the suggestion above of buying some anti-blackhead cleanser and saying "Oh, I bought this whole thing but (it smells weird, it's too foamy, whatever), you use it!". If he mentions that he already uses shampoo you can counter with "that's so harsh on your face though! maybe you should try this".
Honestly, I feel for you. I see how this can be a distraction and driving you nuts.
posted by amicamentis at 12:29 AM on March 3, 2011
There's another name for them, which I forget, but basically they'll always refill almost instantly
PhoBWanKenobi! Sebaceous filaments?
I'm also a member of the Terrible Skin Club (high-five, chums!) and while I don't have blackheads all over I do have huge pores and the sebaceous filaments PhoBWanKenobi mentioned above, which basically gives the appearance of blackheads. I'll probably never be able to achieve that beautifully soft and smooth skin that some girls have. *sadface*
I only mention this because maybe it's as sonic meat machine said--I'm sure there are many people who have skin issues that just can't be fixed (and they have eventually given up), or who decide the time and expense aren't worth it.
I personally would feel terrible if my partner did stuff to my skin while I was asleep....but hey! I'm not gonna judge, since I'm not the one in this relationship.
Um...ideas? Maybe if you want to encourage the face-washing you can initiate with some sexy shower time? That way you can actually make sure he uses the fancy facewash. I don't think many guys would complain under those circumstances.
posted by sprezzy at 12:35 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
PhoBWanKenobi! Sebaceous filaments?
I'm also a member of the Terrible Skin Club (high-five, chums!) and while I don't have blackheads all over I do have huge pores and the sebaceous filaments PhoBWanKenobi mentioned above, which basically gives the appearance of blackheads. I'll probably never be able to achieve that beautifully soft and smooth skin that some girls have. *sadface*
I only mention this because maybe it's as sonic meat machine said--I'm sure there are many people who have skin issues that just can't be fixed (and they have eventually given up), or who decide the time and expense aren't worth it.
I personally would feel terrible if my partner did stuff to my skin while I was asleep....but hey! I'm not gonna judge, since I'm not the one in this relationship.
Um...ideas? Maybe if you want to encourage the face-washing you can initiate with some sexy shower time? That way you can actually make sure he uses the fancy facewash. I don't think many guys would complain under those circumstances.
posted by sprezzy at 12:35 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Basically this comes down to the fact that this is a priority for you and not for him. You need to offer him something in return for doing you this favour. When you talk to him, acknowledge that it is about you - to be honest, most people won't care/notice.
A similar thing happened to friends of mine when the wife hated his winter coat. They made a deal that he would get a new coat when she got her license. It was win-win.
posted by Gor-ella at 6:14 AM on March 3, 2011
A similar thing happened to friends of mine when the wife hated his winter coat. They made a deal that he would get a new coat when she got her license. It was win-win.
posted by Gor-ella at 6:14 AM on March 3, 2011
Ask him for this as a big big favour (because it is!) that is very important for you and trade it for something he wants but you hate.
I note he's your fiancée, which must mean there is a wedding sometime in the future. I wonder if you could use wedding photos as a bargaining chip: "My love, I want our wedding, and our wedding photos, to be perfect. If we start working on your skin now, you'll look so much better in the photos." That sort of thing?
posted by anastasiav at 9:55 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I note he's your fiancée, which must mean there is a wedding sometime in the future. I wonder if you could use wedding photos as a bargaining chip: "My love, I want our wedding, and our wedding photos, to be perfect. If we start working on your skin now, you'll look so much better in the photos." That sort of thing?
posted by anastasiav at 9:55 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I guess I'll just be more forward (yes!) and get him to Biore with me.
(Nay!)
As you may have gathered, I am not so fond of the Biore strips, even though I am horribly fascinated with any and all Youtube videos of people using them. I have stubborn blackheads, and I find that they are a tease. They remove the tops of the blackheads, nothing more.
Instead, I would raise the topic in the way that anastasiav recommends. Then suggest this easy! cheap! effective! method, using materials (iodine and Epsom salts) you can get at any drugstore. (Try it on yourself first so, so if your fiance has any questions/concerns, you can address them credibly.)
Good luck!
posted by virago at 1:13 PM on March 3, 2011
(Nay!)
As you may have gathered, I am not so fond of the Biore strips, even though I am horribly fascinated with any and all Youtube videos of people using them. I have stubborn blackheads, and I find that they are a tease. They remove the tops of the blackheads, nothing more.
Instead, I would raise the topic in the way that anastasiav recommends. Then suggest this easy! cheap! effective! method, using materials (iodine and Epsom salts) you can get at any drugstore. (Try it on yourself first so, so if your fiance has any questions/concerns, you can address them credibly.)
Good luck!
posted by virago at 1:13 PM on March 3, 2011
These blackheads are the exact same thing I would have if I neglected to wash my face for 6 months.
This response makes me think you really don't understand acne. "Washing your face more often will help clear up acne" is Acne Myth #1. Acne has nothing to do with cleanliness. Your boyfriend might wash his face six times a day and find it had no effect on his acne (except to possibly make it worse by irritating his skin).
Non-inflammatory acne (blackheads, whiteheads, and milia) is caused by two factors, a combination of overly rapid growth & shedding of the cells lining the follicles and excessively "sticky" sebum, which causes the shed cells to clump together instead exiting through the follicle the way they do in people who don't have acne. Physical exfoliation doesn't do a lot to help and chemical treatment is often the only thing that has an effect.
And speaking from personal experience as somebody who's been struggling with acne for decades now, your boyfriend could be spending a LOT of money on skin care treatments and have product bottles lined up like soldiers next to the sink, and he STILL might have blackheads. Don't get me wrong — I'm glad my skin care specialist has been able to get my skin as clear as it is, but I've come to believe I will always have acne. Your boyfriend might well be the same.
I am so grateful that my husband has never said anything about my skin. He knows I struggle with it, he knows I'm not terribly happy about it, he knows I hate that I pick at my skin and he knows that I try not to. And he apparently considers it to be none of his business. Bless him.
posted by Lexica at 6:38 PM on March 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
This response makes me think you really don't understand acne. "Washing your face more often will help clear up acne" is Acne Myth #1. Acne has nothing to do with cleanliness. Your boyfriend might wash his face six times a day and find it had no effect on his acne (except to possibly make it worse by irritating his skin).
Non-inflammatory acne (blackheads, whiteheads, and milia) is caused by two factors, a combination of overly rapid growth & shedding of the cells lining the follicles and excessively "sticky" sebum, which causes the shed cells to clump together instead exiting through the follicle the way they do in people who don't have acne. Physical exfoliation doesn't do a lot to help and chemical treatment is often the only thing that has an effect.
And speaking from personal experience as somebody who's been struggling with acne for decades now, your boyfriend could be spending a LOT of money on skin care treatments and have product bottles lined up like soldiers next to the sink, and he STILL might have blackheads. Don't get me wrong — I'm glad my skin care specialist has been able to get my skin as clear as it is, but I've come to believe I will always have acne. Your boyfriend might well be the same.
I am so grateful that my husband has never said anything about my skin. He knows I struggle with it, he knows I'm not terribly happy about it, he knows I hate that I pick at my skin and he knows that I try not to. And he apparently considers it to be none of his business. Bless him.
posted by Lexica at 6:38 PM on March 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
"I'm marrying him because I love him and want to have a life with him"
Many have mentioned that you're being passive and aggressive here, and it's true. That doesn't make you a bad person, it's normal and we all do it. But instead, you need to be assertive. Stop demanding he do something, stop wishing he do something without communicating it and then being angry when he doesn't and simply ask him, outright. But be prepared to accept no as the answer.
If you love him AND you want to have a life with him, you need to be able to sit down with him and say "I love you, I want to have a life with you, and I wonder how you feel about the blackheads on your face because they bother me a lot and I'd like you to do something about them." If he says "I don't care about them, and please don't ask me to do anything else about it, because I'm not going to" then YOU need to decide if you are going to be OK with his decision about HIS body.
If you are not and this is a deal-breaker for you (which is totally fair, it's your decision), then listen to yourself and accept that the last thing you want is a life with HIM. You might want a life with some version of him in your head who cares about blackheads, but not the actual guy who is sitting in front of you. Those are very different things.
posted by jardinier at 8:41 AM on March 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Many have mentioned that you're being passive and aggressive here, and it's true. That doesn't make you a bad person, it's normal and we all do it. But instead, you need to be assertive. Stop demanding he do something, stop wishing he do something without communicating it and then being angry when he doesn't and simply ask him, outright. But be prepared to accept no as the answer.
If you love him AND you want to have a life with him, you need to be able to sit down with him and say "I love you, I want to have a life with you, and I wonder how you feel about the blackheads on your face because they bother me a lot and I'd like you to do something about them." If he says "I don't care about them, and please don't ask me to do anything else about it, because I'm not going to" then YOU need to decide if you are going to be OK with his decision about HIS body.
If you are not and this is a deal-breaker for you (which is totally fair, it's your decision), then listen to yourself and accept that the last thing you want is a life with HIM. You might want a life with some version of him in your head who cares about blackheads, but not the actual guy who is sitting in front of you. Those are very different things.
posted by jardinier at 8:41 AM on March 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Nthing Lexica - it's a little offensive (to this over-sensitive acne sufferer) to assume that he doesn't wash his face enough/properly/with the right soap because he has blackheads. Some people just cannot get rid of them. It takes years and years to find the right formula to rid yourself of acne, if you can at all.
posted by getawaysticks at 10:20 AM on March 7, 2011
posted by getawaysticks at 10:20 AM on March 7, 2011
it's a little offensive (to this over-sensitive acne sufferer) to assume that he doesn't wash his face enough/properly/with the right soap because he has blackheads.
Again - sorry to those of you that suffer from acne problems and are offended by my statements. But I'm not assuming anything - I live with the guy, I know his self-care habits, and I know that when he spends a little time on his skin (usually because I put the bottle in his hand), the blackheads improve significantly. I should have been a lot clearer in my initial question.
posted by coupdefoudre at 12:00 PM on March 7, 2011
Again - sorry to those of you that suffer from acne problems and are offended by my statements. But I'm not assuming anything - I live with the guy, I know his self-care habits, and I know that when he spends a little time on his skin (usually because I put the bottle in his hand), the blackheads improve significantly. I should have been a lot clearer in my initial question.
posted by coupdefoudre at 12:00 PM on March 7, 2011
I'm a little late to this conversation but I would consider someone else "pinning" me down and popping my zits tantamount to assault.
But. If you have done this. And he doesn't get that you're icked out by his blackheads, I don't think you saying, "honey, your blackheads are gross, you should see a dermatologist" is going to hurt his self-esteem at all.
posted by citywolf at 5:11 PM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
But. If you have done this. And he doesn't get that you're icked out by his blackheads, I don't think you saying, "honey, your blackheads are gross, you should see a dermatologist" is going to hurt his self-esteem at all.
posted by citywolf at 5:11 PM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jenny76 at 4:19 PM on March 2, 2011 [10 favorites]