I like my lizard brain
February 8, 2011 4:16 PM Subscribe
How do I emphasize the lizard part of my brain, and deemphasize the relationship part?
I'm a female, in my late 20s. I'm working my way out of an incredibly long dry-to-slow-spell. About 4 years ago, I broke up with my then fiance. It took me a while to get over him. But now, I've gone on dates, made loads of new friends, and generally have been having awesome adventures. My life is going in a great direction in about every way, except for the sex part.
Right now I'm not sure if I want to date. I do want sex, and my lizard brain is finally waking up.
I find that I get a bit sad if a guy I meet doesn't call me back, even though I know I'm going into a one night stand. I'm confused why this is happening, even though I'm not explicitly looking for a relationship now. The guys I have hooked up with I met at at bar, or club, or randomly in my daily errands. I don't use hook up sites, because I only get creepy messages when I have tried.
The one thing in common between the guys that I do get a little sad over is that they are smart/do interesting things/have good taste in music. The pretty ones who are as dumb as a box of hammers, I could care less over.
So, is there a way to 'make' my brain go full on lizard, and skip the getting mopey bit? I want lots of sex, I like one night stands, and frankly the real thing beats a toy any day.
Or is my brain telling me that I should just make an effort and find a boyfriend?
I'm a female, in my late 20s. I'm working my way out of an incredibly long dry-to-slow-spell. About 4 years ago, I broke up with my then fiance. It took me a while to get over him. But now, I've gone on dates, made loads of new friends, and generally have been having awesome adventures. My life is going in a great direction in about every way, except for the sex part.
Right now I'm not sure if I want to date. I do want sex, and my lizard brain is finally waking up.
I find that I get a bit sad if a guy I meet doesn't call me back, even though I know I'm going into a one night stand. I'm confused why this is happening, even though I'm not explicitly looking for a relationship now. The guys I have hooked up with I met at at bar, or club, or randomly in my daily errands. I don't use hook up sites, because I only get creepy messages when I have tried.
The one thing in common between the guys that I do get a little sad over is that they are smart/do interesting things/have good taste in music. The pretty ones who are as dumb as a box of hammers, I could care less over.
So, is there a way to 'make' my brain go full on lizard, and skip the getting mopey bit? I want lots of sex, I like one night stands, and frankly the real thing beats a toy any day.
Or is my brain telling me that I should just make an effort and find a boyfriend?
Maybe one-night stands aren't working for you right now. Why not look for relationships? I mean, you're already feeling rejected now, so what do you have to lose?
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:35 PM on February 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:35 PM on February 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
So, is there a way to 'make' my brain go full on lizard, and skip the getting mopey bit?
Not that I know of.
I agree with the first two answers. You're using the idea of wanting nothing but sex as a defense mechanism against the potential for dating/relationships and the accompanying risk of rejection.
Sorry, but human thoughts/feelings/behavior are a lot more complex than just: "Well, I'm going to decide to only care about sex and not be affected by any other dating-like factor, starting ... now!"
posted by John Cohen at 4:45 PM on February 8, 2011
Not that I know of.
I agree with the first two answers. You're using the idea of wanting nothing but sex as a defense mechanism against the potential for dating/relationships and the accompanying risk of rejection.
Sorry, but human thoughts/feelings/behavior are a lot more complex than just: "Well, I'm going to decide to only care about sex and not be affected by any other dating-like factor, starting ... now!"
posted by John Cohen at 4:45 PM on February 8, 2011
Isn't that what some recreational drugs are used for? (NOT recommending them, just asking.)
posted by exphysicist345 at 5:01 PM on February 8, 2011
posted by exphysicist345 at 5:01 PM on February 8, 2011
There is a whole spectrum of sexual relationships between one night stands and I-loves-you-forever monogamy. Find some friends with benefits?
As for your question about eliminating the mopey bits - how awesome is the rest of your life? If sex and relationships are the only part of your life that are particularly good, you'll have a tough time being anything other than mopey whenever some dating potential flames out.
posted by MillMan at 10:31 PM on February 8, 2011
As for your question about eliminating the mopey bits - how awesome is the rest of your life? If sex and relationships are the only part of your life that are particularly good, you'll have a tough time being anything other than mopey whenever some dating potential flames out.
posted by MillMan at 10:31 PM on February 8, 2011
I would suggest a casual relationship with one of these guys, or just suggest it to them, let it be known that you are after no-strings fun. You may find they call you again, and you can not be mopey over it. If that's what you want, of course. Many guys would have assumed you would feel awkward about it after a one night stand, and not up for more casual fun.
However I would suggest if you find a guy you really click with, and you are having a good night, to not sleep with him on the first night.
Not because of any inherent qualities in males and females but because that often brings in preconceptions about what your date actually was. If you sleep with him on the first night, mostly because of the messages we get from media, guys make assumptions - ie, either that you don't view him as having long term potential OR you will regret it in the morning, with no shades of grey in between.
Keep in mind that the relationships you have had are only a small subset of a wide spectrum of types of relationships. What you would consider expected behavior regarding communicating the day after a day or what have you is not necessarily the case. Seems like the dating scene is so metaaware that people are constantly sizing each other up for what impression they are trying to create about what they want rather than just asking them.
Good luck.
posted by Dillonlikescookies at 11:14 PM on February 8, 2011
However I would suggest if you find a guy you really click with, and you are having a good night, to not sleep with him on the first night.
Not because of any inherent qualities in males and females but because that often brings in preconceptions about what your date actually was. If you sleep with him on the first night, mostly because of the messages we get from media, guys make assumptions - ie, either that you don't view him as having long term potential OR you will regret it in the morning, with no shades of grey in between.
Keep in mind that the relationships you have had are only a small subset of a wide spectrum of types of relationships. What you would consider expected behavior regarding communicating the day after a day or what have you is not necessarily the case. Seems like the dating scene is so metaaware that people are constantly sizing each other up for what impression they are trying to create about what they want rather than just asking them.
Good luck.
posted by Dillonlikescookies at 11:14 PM on February 8, 2011
I disagree with those saying try a casual relationship or a FWB thing. If you're getting that attachment thing happening now with one night stands that you find interesting, it's going to happen moreso with any guy that you see on a regular basis, whether or not he is appropriate for you. My friends and I call it "girlbrain"-being illogically drawn towards someone that you just had sex with knowing that you are not interested in having a relationship with him, and you don't want to like him, but you just can't help yourself.
The easiest way around GB is vacation sex, or sex with inappropriate for relationship people (for my gfs and me, this is done by meeting much younger guys), sex with people that you know you will never have the chance to run into again, etc. Take the possibility of a relationship off the table.
You can still meet and chat up the guys that have more in common with you, but maybe think of them more as dating material rather than hook-up material, and adjust your behavior accordingly.
posted by newpotato at 4:57 AM on February 9, 2011
The easiest way around GB is vacation sex, or sex with inappropriate for relationship people (for my gfs and me, this is done by meeting much younger guys), sex with people that you know you will never have the chance to run into again, etc. Take the possibility of a relationship off the table.
You can still meet and chat up the guys that have more in common with you, but maybe think of them more as dating material rather than hook-up material, and adjust your behavior accordingly.
posted by newpotato at 4:57 AM on February 9, 2011
If you want to have a one night stand, restrict it to oral only, or just no-sex. There's something about p in v that releases a bevy of chemicals that make you bond with your partner.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:09 AM on February 10, 2011
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:09 AM on February 10, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Can't you continue hooking up with some guys while trying to actually date others?
posted by GastrocNemesis at 4:31 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]