Dating Pickle.
February 8, 2011 3:47 PM Subscribe
Please help me sort out my emotions and this dating situation.
I know YANMTherapist, but I need some help just sorting out this situation and what I'm feeling or what I should be feeling or doing. Hell, even just a point in the right direction would help.
After being single and going on random crappy dates that never really lead anywhere for about a year, I've been seeing an ultra-stable guy for about 6 months. We met through a mutual friend. He's great. We have a lot of shared interests, he has his life together (stable job, owns his house, has great friends, takes good care of himself, etc. etc.). My life is also in the exact same place (own my house, have the career nailed down, etc.). I'm 31 and he's 36. My friends like him and my family approves. We have a great time together and although neither one of us has declared love, I think it's heading in that direction.
Here's the pickle. I am still in the process of developing feelings for him and am not sure if I love him. Simultaneously, we've also started moving into the dreaded "comfort zone" and where we used to do all sorts of fun stuff together, it's been replaced by more low-key activities (relaxing, reading, etc.) and I'm noticing myself feeling bored and as a result, a little restless. I've said something about it to him and he seemed concerned and wants to make plans to fix that (like take a trip together, etc.). Great! However, at the same time, I'm finding him difficult to read emotionally. He tends to be very factual, monotone, a little closed off and can be critical at times, even if it's not his intent - it's just the way he comes across/carries himself. I'm an open book and am much more emotional of a person and tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm finding this communication difference also troubling. We've talked about it because I brought it all up to him, but nothing really productive came from that conversation. I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling "eh" about things lately, where a few weeks ago I could feel myself starting to fall in love with him...now it's almost like someone just threw a big wet blanket over everything and it's leaving me feeling confused. What happened to that glow of love that I started feeling a few weeks ago?!
Meanwhile, another friend of a friend (different circle of friends) asked me out for a casual drink the other night and I went for it. He's 33 and in-progress of sorting out life, but seems to have the big stuff nailed down. Nothing happened (he didn't even try to kiss me) but it definitely was a date and we had a great time laughing together and it was awesome. I don't know how I feel about that.
Neither one of them know about each other and I don't even want to venture into the whole seeing two guys at once world, and know it's totally unfair to string them along. I know I would need to pick one. I guess I'm just feeling confused as to what to do. Do I keep on dating the guy I've been seeing for the past 6 months and see if maybe love does develop, or at the very least come back, and I can move past the comfort, monotoneness? Do I pull the plug and pursue the other guy and see if anything happens at the risk of ending up single again? Help. Please. I don't want to hurt the guy I've been seeing for the past 6 months but want to do the right thing for my own feelings too.
I know YANMTherapist, but I need some help just sorting out this situation and what I'm feeling or what I should be feeling or doing. Hell, even just a point in the right direction would help.
After being single and going on random crappy dates that never really lead anywhere for about a year, I've been seeing an ultra-stable guy for about 6 months. We met through a mutual friend. He's great. We have a lot of shared interests, he has his life together (stable job, owns his house, has great friends, takes good care of himself, etc. etc.). My life is also in the exact same place (own my house, have the career nailed down, etc.). I'm 31 and he's 36. My friends like him and my family approves. We have a great time together and although neither one of us has declared love, I think it's heading in that direction.
Here's the pickle. I am still in the process of developing feelings for him and am not sure if I love him. Simultaneously, we've also started moving into the dreaded "comfort zone" and where we used to do all sorts of fun stuff together, it's been replaced by more low-key activities (relaxing, reading, etc.) and I'm noticing myself feeling bored and as a result, a little restless. I've said something about it to him and he seemed concerned and wants to make plans to fix that (like take a trip together, etc.). Great! However, at the same time, I'm finding him difficult to read emotionally. He tends to be very factual, monotone, a little closed off and can be critical at times, even if it's not his intent - it's just the way he comes across/carries himself. I'm an open book and am much more emotional of a person and tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm finding this communication difference also troubling. We've talked about it because I brought it all up to him, but nothing really productive came from that conversation. I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling "eh" about things lately, where a few weeks ago I could feel myself starting to fall in love with him...now it's almost like someone just threw a big wet blanket over everything and it's leaving me feeling confused. What happened to that glow of love that I started feeling a few weeks ago?!
Meanwhile, another friend of a friend (different circle of friends) asked me out for a casual drink the other night and I went for it. He's 33 and in-progress of sorting out life, but seems to have the big stuff nailed down. Nothing happened (he didn't even try to kiss me) but it definitely was a date and we had a great time laughing together and it was awesome. I don't know how I feel about that.
Neither one of them know about each other and I don't even want to venture into the whole seeing two guys at once world, and know it's totally unfair to string them along. I know I would need to pick one. I guess I'm just feeling confused as to what to do. Do I keep on dating the guy I've been seeing for the past 6 months and see if maybe love does develop, or at the very least come back, and I can move past the comfort, monotoneness? Do I pull the plug and pursue the other guy and see if anything happens at the risk of ending up single again? Help. Please. I don't want to hurt the guy I've been seeing for the past 6 months but want to do the right thing for my own feelings too.
You've only been together 6 months. You used the word "stable" twice, and yet nowhere do you mention "shagging like crazed wolverines." Ponder this.
As to guy number two, one casual drink does not a factor make. Figure out guy number one first.
posted by cyndigo at 3:53 PM on February 8, 2011 [6 favorites]
As to guy number two, one casual drink does not a factor make. Figure out guy number one first.
posted by cyndigo at 3:53 PM on February 8, 2011 [6 favorites]
From what you've written here, you sound much more excited about about guy #2.
Well, of course. The new guy is always the more exciting guy. This is why making it an either-or scenario taints it. You have to look at each guy individually. Figure out your feelings for guy #1 first, and then, if/when that solidly ends, think about guy #2.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:55 PM on February 8, 2011 [6 favorites]
Well, of course. The new guy is always the more exciting guy. This is why making it an either-or scenario taints it. You have to look at each guy individually. Figure out your feelings for guy #1 first, and then, if/when that solidly ends, think about guy #2.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:55 PM on February 8, 2011 [6 favorites]
I kinda think you sound like you've been together six years and are trying to give yourself a pep talk.
posted by tel3path at 3:58 PM on February 8, 2011
posted by tel3path at 3:58 PM on February 8, 2011
Yeah, Guy #1 doesn't turn your crank. End it with him. He bores you. It doesn't matter that he's a lovely person and you're a great match and have everything in common blah blah blah--if someone else bores you, the relationship is over. Let it go. He'll find someone else who thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread.
As for Guy #2, who knows? Maybe he's a better match for you, or maybe he just seems interesting because he's not Guy #1. End things with Guy #1 and then see how you feel. And Guys #3, 4, 5, and so on are also out there.
Because what you can have is a relationship with someone you're excited to see every goddamned day of your lives together. Somebody you have fun with when you're doing the laundry or shoveling snow. Someone you can't believe you didn't know for the first thirty-odd years of your life because a life without them seems impossible. (Obviously, I am talking about me and my own Largely Mythological Husband here, but my point is that there is someone like that out there for you as well.)
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:04 PM on February 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
As for Guy #2, who knows? Maybe he's a better match for you, or maybe he just seems interesting because he's not Guy #1. End things with Guy #1 and then see how you feel. And Guys #3, 4, 5, and so on are also out there.
Because what you can have is a relationship with someone you're excited to see every goddamned day of your lives together. Somebody you have fun with when you're doing the laundry or shoveling snow. Someone you can't believe you didn't know for the first thirty-odd years of your life because a life without them seems impossible. (Obviously, I am talking about me and my own Largely Mythological Husband here, but my point is that there is someone like that out there for you as well.)
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:04 PM on February 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Do something daring together. Do something that scares the hell out of you. Do something that you think you can't achieve. Spend time away from everyone else, no mobile phones, no internet, no nothing.
posted by dougrayrankin at 4:06 PM on February 8, 2011
posted by dougrayrankin at 4:06 PM on February 8, 2011
you make it sound like what guy #1 has going for him is his resume. he's great on paper! but not for you, it sounds like. love doesn't just happen, but if you don't have clear feelings about him after six months, it's going to be tough. i mean, it sounds like you could probably make a long-term relationship/marriage work, even with some happiness, with this guy if you had to...but do you really have to?
guy #2, well, isn't even guy #2 yet. you've gone out once, it was fun. if you break up with guy #1, it's not because you're choosing guy #2. it's because you're choosing a CHANCE with guy #2.
and yes, maybe it won't work out, and you'll wind up single for a while. but then again, maybe guy #1 won't work out either, and you'll be single then, too. if you're getting antsy in the relationship, it's entirely possible he is, too.
so it sounds like your options are 1) make a go of things with guy #1. 2) break up with guy #1 for the opportunity of a second date with guy #2, and/or other men, too. 3) talk to guy #1 about seeing other people and see what he says.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:07 PM on February 8, 2011
guy #2, well, isn't even guy #2 yet. you've gone out once, it was fun. if you break up with guy #1, it's not because you're choosing guy #2. it's because you're choosing a CHANCE with guy #2.
and yes, maybe it won't work out, and you'll wind up single for a while. but then again, maybe guy #1 won't work out either, and you'll be single then, too. if you're getting antsy in the relationship, it's entirely possible he is, too.
so it sounds like your options are 1) make a go of things with guy #1. 2) break up with guy #1 for the opportunity of a second date with guy #2, and/or other men, too. 3) talk to guy #1 about seeing other people and see what he says.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:07 PM on February 8, 2011
Also, on a second reading... Don't fall for the schoolboy error of "everything isn't perfect with current boyfriend, had one fun night with other male, he obviously is perfect solution". Remember the grass is always greener.
posted by dougrayrankin at 4:09 PM on February 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by dougrayrankin at 4:09 PM on February 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
You don't talk yourself into being in love, or wait around for it (although I understand in arranged-marriage cultures that it's quite common for love to develop over time like that). It's hard to tell from your post why you are with 6-month-guy.
That said, if you've been dating exclusively for 6 months (with or without explicit declarations), then I think it's unfair to go on a date behind his back and pretend it's the same as casually dating two guys. If you're going to see other people, then 6-month-guy should know about it, so he can make as informed a decision as you can about whether you and he stay together.
posted by headnsouth at 4:10 PM on February 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
That said, if you've been dating exclusively for 6 months (with or without explicit declarations), then I think it's unfair to go on a date behind his back and pretend it's the same as casually dating two guys. If you're going to see other people, then 6-month-guy should know about it, so he can make as informed a decision as you can about whether you and he stay together.
posted by headnsouth at 4:10 PM on February 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
Guy #2 isn't even on your plate as an option, but the fact that you excitedly went on a date with him behind Guy #1's back should tell you everything you need to know about your relationship with Guy #1.
I've said it here a million times on the green... sometimes two very nice people aren't necessarily compatible with each other into the long-term, and that's OK.
posted by jbenben at 4:20 PM on February 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
I've said it here a million times on the green... sometimes two very nice people aren't necessarily compatible with each other into the long-term, and that's OK.
posted by jbenben at 4:20 PM on February 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
You are just not that into Guy 1. IMHO, six months is a pretty long time to be with someone without feeling in love. (But everyone's different, I may be in the minority there.)
posted by pourtant at 4:31 PM on February 8, 2011
posted by pourtant at 4:31 PM on February 8, 2011
It doesn't sound like you're in a dreaded comfort zone, it sounds like you're in a dreaded uncomfortable-and-boring zone.
posted by rhizome at 4:39 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 4:39 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Side with the butterflies in your stomach.
posted by zenm at 5:05 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by zenm at 5:05 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I'd worry that you were swayed by the grass being greener, except that you sound like you don't really want to work on watering the lawn you have. Move on from guy #1, date other people, maybe including guy #2.
When you feel it? You will have no doubts about how you "should feel". You'll feel it.
posted by ldthomps at 5:12 PM on February 8, 2011
When you feel it? You will have no doubts about how you "should feel". You'll feel it.
posted by ldthomps at 5:12 PM on February 8, 2011
Just for diversity, I'll sound a different note. You've been going out with this guy for six months. You say that until a few weeks ago, you were "heading in the direction" of settling down and feeling "that glow of love."
Everybody has down weeks. If 90% of your relationship has been "this guy might be the one," I say give him another month. No dating other guys. If a month goes by and you're still feeling bored and wondering about guy #2, then reassess.
posted by escabeche at 6:50 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Everybody has down weeks. If 90% of your relationship has been "this guy might be the one," I say give him another month. No dating other guys. If a month goes by and you're still feeling bored and wondering about guy #2, then reassess.
posted by escabeche at 6:50 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, #2 is a non-factor. You need to decide how you feel about #1. If you want to give things a shot, don't go out with 2 again. If you decide you're bored and want to move on, end things, and feel free to date 2 or find some new guy #3.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:07 PM on February 8, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 8:07 PM on February 8, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 3:53 PM on February 8, 2011