How can we get our cats to give us more love?
February 3, 2011 6:14 AM Subscribe
How do we get our two cats to love us more?
We got two rescue cats two months ago. They started out reasonably timid (although not crazy), hanging out with us and playing but not coming over to us. Within a week they'd started coming over when we attracted them.
And that's as far as we seem to be able to get. We pet them in passing, and they jump on the bed and sometimes they sleep at the foot, but they don't jump on our laps, or initiate contact with us. It's down to us to give them love, which they usually enjoy, provided they aren't too busy!
As far as we know they weren't abused before we got them. It appears they just weren't coddled as kittens.
How can we fix this? They respond to catnip, rubbing against catnip toys. Could we try that? We feed them twice a day. Would more meals help?
We got two rescue cats two months ago. They started out reasonably timid (although not crazy), hanging out with us and playing but not coming over to us. Within a week they'd started coming over when we attracted them.
And that's as far as we seem to be able to get. We pet them in passing, and they jump on the bed and sometimes they sleep at the foot, but they don't jump on our laps, or initiate contact with us. It's down to us to give them love, which they usually enjoy, provided they aren't too busy!
As far as we know they weren't abused before we got them. It appears they just weren't coddled as kittens.
How can we fix this? They respond to catnip, rubbing against catnip toys. Could we try that? We feed them twice a day. Would more meals help?
Cat personalities are glaciers. Cats depend on routine, and habit, and stability. They don't immediately take to new surroundings, or new people, or new forms of interactions with people. They do change, just as glaciers really are on the move, but it's a steady, slow movement as opposed to a sudden shift.
Give them time. Give them stability. Be just as willing to love, feed, and protect them as you have been. Make sure their lives are free of scary things, and allow their little kitty minds to slowly get comfortable with the idea of approaching you with love. In cat time, two months is nothing. They just need more time.
Of course, not all cats ever want to be more affectionate than how yours are now. But, I'd wager, if they're already this willing to be near you, it's very likely that, with very calm and consistent love from you, they'll continue to open up to you more and more.
posted by meese at 6:26 AM on February 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
Give them time. Give them stability. Be just as willing to love, feed, and protect them as you have been. Make sure their lives are free of scary things, and allow their little kitty minds to slowly get comfortable with the idea of approaching you with love. In cat time, two months is nothing. They just need more time.
Of course, not all cats ever want to be more affectionate than how yours are now. But, I'd wager, if they're already this willing to be near you, it's very likely that, with very calm and consistent love from you, they'll continue to open up to you more and more.
posted by meese at 6:26 AM on February 3, 2011 [6 favorites]
That's likely just their personalities. Mine were coddled loads as kittens, and they're just not cuddly as adults. One of them wails like a pathetic banshee if you pick him up and he's Not In The Mood (which is most of the time) - the other will tolerate being picked up, and will even sometimes sit upright on your knee for a couple of minutes, but that's it as far as cuddling goes.
The only time they're happy with lots of human contact is when they're being brushed, which they both love. You could try that. It means that any affection is on their terms, not yours, but, well... they're cats, and that's the deal.
posted by Catseye at 6:26 AM on February 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
The only time they're happy with lots of human contact is when they're being brushed, which they both love. You could try that. It means that any affection is on their terms, not yours, but, well... they're cats, and that's the deal.
posted by Catseye at 6:26 AM on February 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, that sounds pretty normal to me. Give it time, though, you never know what will happen. We've got two cats: one has always been a lap cat, and the other was always pretty distant. We moved last year, and suddenly the "distant" cat wants to be on our laps every time we're on the couch. She's still generally timid, but she's not shy about hanging out with us anymore.
If you really want to entice them onto your lap, though, you might want to try a woolen blanket. Ours love wool; mrs ozzy has to fight the cats off when she's sitting under a knitted blanket.
Otherwise, patience.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:28 AM on February 3, 2011
If you really want to entice them onto your lap, though, you might want to try a woolen blanket. Ours love wool; mrs ozzy has to fight the cats off when she's sitting under a knitted blanket.
Otherwise, patience.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:28 AM on February 3, 2011
I don't think there's anything to fix. I've had 4 cats, and 3 were about that level of affection. Only one is a lap cat, and considering how hot my lap is right now, I wish she weren't!
You might look out for unexpected random cat affectionate behaviors. One of my cats, though not a lap cat, loved to sit in my lap, erm... while I was using the bathroom (for hours... yes). Another one of my cats, also not a lap cat, loved to lie on my chest and lick my nose. He loved to do this while I was in bed, though he never slept with me. I think most cats, even the extremely independent ones, like to have an outlet for socialization/affection, but it might be unexpected and occur rarely.
posted by lesli212 at 6:29 AM on February 3, 2011
You might look out for unexpected random cat affectionate behaviors. One of my cats, though not a lap cat, loved to sit in my lap, erm... while I was using the bathroom (for hours... yes). Another one of my cats, also not a lap cat, loved to lie on my chest and lick my nose. He loved to do this while I was in bed, though he never slept with me. I think most cats, even the extremely independent ones, like to have an outlet for socialization/affection, but it might be unexpected and occur rarely.
posted by lesli212 at 6:29 AM on February 3, 2011
My experience is similar to gaspode's; I've had a rescue cat for about 3 years and it's only within the last year that she's become a "lap cat" - every evening now she can't WAIT to get on there, receive some serious strokin', and fall asleep. Nothing really changed to precipitate that. So don't fret, give it a while, give love if they do come to you, and see what happens.
posted by thoughtless at 6:29 AM on February 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by thoughtless at 6:29 AM on February 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
It does take time, but I have had some success getting kitties to love on me more by periodically picking them up and kissing and otherwise loving on them.
I live in a mixed kitty household. I had two cats and my partner had three cats, and we moved in together and it was like the Kitty Brady Bunch. We also had different philosophies when it came to our cats--my partner treated her cats like roommates, and I treat mine like little fuzzy children that I can manhandle all I want. My cats are very, very affectionate and cuddly. Her cats are affectionate, but not nearly so much as my cats*.
And maybe the interesting case is Henri, who was not a lap cat until I got ahold of him. I just... pick him up sometimes and kiss him. I pet him a lot. And he slowly, over the course of a few years, became the kind of cat who really likes sitting in laps and cuddling, when he used to not be like that. It may be just a change in his personality that has nothing to do with me, but I don't know.
We have another cat who is still far more skittish, and when I pick her up and kiss her she is pretty much pissed at me, so I don't do it so often. So it's not necessarily useful for all cats. But I think that a lot of affection and a manhandly attitude can help.
*Let me be clear that they are all our cats, now, in case they read this and get ideas and try to pull the whole "you're not my momma" business.
posted by hought20 at 6:30 AM on February 3, 2011 [7 favorites]
I live in a mixed kitty household. I had two cats and my partner had three cats, and we moved in together and it was like the Kitty Brady Bunch. We also had different philosophies when it came to our cats--my partner treated her cats like roommates, and I treat mine like little fuzzy children that I can manhandle all I want. My cats are very, very affectionate and cuddly. Her cats are affectionate, but not nearly so much as my cats*.
And maybe the interesting case is Henri, who was not a lap cat until I got ahold of him. I just... pick him up sometimes and kiss him. I pet him a lot. And he slowly, over the course of a few years, became the kind of cat who really likes sitting in laps and cuddling, when he used to not be like that. It may be just a change in his personality that has nothing to do with me, but I don't know.
We have another cat who is still far more skittish, and when I pick her up and kiss her she is pretty much pissed at me, so I don't do it so often. So it's not necessarily useful for all cats. But I think that a lot of affection and a manhandly attitude can help.
*Let me be clear that they are all our cats, now, in case they read this and get ideas and try to pull the whole "you're not my momma" business.
posted by hought20 at 6:30 AM on February 3, 2011 [7 favorites]
This may seem difficult to believe, but I have seen cats (admittedly young cats) become markedly more affectionate for an hour or two after a session of clicker training, or (sans clicker) teaching them to jump through a hoop between two (heavy, stable) chairs (led by treats). I think the fact that they are in a way controlling their world by eliciting treats delights them, and makes them believe they are communicating with you, and so can trust you.
posted by amtho at 6:32 AM on February 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by amtho at 6:32 AM on February 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
Patience, and lots of rewards for when they do come to you. And that still might not do it, if that's not how their personalities roll.
One of our cats is very nervous; she was adopted when she was a few months old, and had been feral. It took her years before she'd willingly come to sit next to me or on me.
Another cat, whom we adopted as a few-weeks-old kitten and who had not been feral, and who got lots of hands-on socialization and cuddling from us, clearly likes me (he follows me around, asks to be petted and played with) but isn't really a lap cat. It took him a while before he'd hop up next to me and settle down for a nap.
Cat three, adopted at the same time as cat two (but is a little older) will sleep on your laptop while it's on your lap if you're foolish enough to let him do so. When he wants lap time, he doesn't ask for it - he just takes it.
It's traditional in cat or dog askmes to link to photos of the pet you're asking about, so pix plz!
posted by rtha at 6:33 AM on February 3, 2011
One of our cats is very nervous; she was adopted when she was a few months old, and had been feral. It took her years before she'd willingly come to sit next to me or on me.
Another cat, whom we adopted as a few-weeks-old kitten and who had not been feral, and who got lots of hands-on socialization and cuddling from us, clearly likes me (he follows me around, asks to be petted and played with) but isn't really a lap cat. It took him a while before he'd hop up next to me and settle down for a nap.
Cat three, adopted at the same time as cat two (but is a little older) will sleep on your laptop while it's on your lap if you're foolish enough to let him do so. When he wants lap time, he doesn't ask for it - he just takes it.
It's traditional in cat or dog askmes to link to photos of the pet you're asking about, so pix plz!
posted by rtha at 6:33 AM on February 3, 2011
I was about to say there's not much you can do to change a cat's personality or behavior, other than try to brush them more often to get them used to - and perhaps someday dependent on - increased contact, but then I saw uncleozzy's comment and remembered that my cat LOVES anything microfleece. My robe, or couch blanket, she gets right up on it and treads ("making bread" some call it) and purrs, because I suppose the texture reminds her of fur, specifically her mom's fur when she was a kitten. It's great quality time for us. Try a blanket across your lap or stomach and see if your cats like the same texture, and perhaps they will come to associate that deep primal pleasure with being in your lap.
posted by mostlybecky at 6:38 AM on February 3, 2011
posted by mostlybecky at 6:38 AM on February 3, 2011
There's this feral I'm feeding. I pet her while she eats. That's gotten her more relaxed. I also make the food sound (lip smacking) and the "mournful meow" sound; both get her attention.
posted by orthogonality at 6:39 AM on February 3, 2011
posted by orthogonality at 6:39 AM on February 3, 2011
Cats are highly trainable. Their owners are typically less so.
Feed the cats a bit less than normal (say about 85% of their normal diet) and keep cat treats handy and reward them when they do things that are things you want to encourage or things that approximate or may lead to what you want to encourage. Gradually switch them from a fixed reinforcement schedule of one behaviour - one treat to a variable schedule and after a while the behaviour will be permanent.
I've trained an adult cat to roll over on command and also to drag it self along the carpet using just its front claws with just a few treats a day (and it is not even my cat!)
posted by srboisvert at 6:39 AM on February 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Feed the cats a bit less than normal (say about 85% of their normal diet) and keep cat treats handy and reward them when they do things that are things you want to encourage or things that approximate or may lead to what you want to encourage. Gradually switch them from a fixed reinforcement schedule of one behaviour - one treat to a variable schedule and after a while the behaviour will be permanent.
I've trained an adult cat to roll over on command and also to drag it self along the carpet using just its front claws with just a few treats a day (and it is not even my cat!)
posted by srboisvert at 6:39 AM on February 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Two months is not very long in cat getting-to-know-you time. I agree with the others who say that it really could just take time, and that you should just keep doing everything as reliably and stably as possible.
And don't start feeding them extra meals! If anything, you'll find they suddenly become way more affectionate when they're hungry :)
posted by hermitosis at 6:42 AM on February 3, 2011
And don't start feeding them extra meals! If anything, you'll find they suddenly become way more affectionate when they're hungry :)
posted by hermitosis at 6:42 AM on February 3, 2011
"As far as we know they weren't abused before we got them. It appears they just weren't coddled as kittens. "
Even if they weren't physically abused, something happened that caused them to be rescued. Cats really really don't like changes to their situation so it's normal for them to still be a little uneasy about a big, possibly traumatic change. The fact that they want to sleep on the bed rather than under it is a good sign.
posted by amethysts at 6:50 AM on February 3, 2011
Even if they weren't physically abused, something happened that caused them to be rescued. Cats really really don't like changes to their situation so it's normal for them to still be a little uneasy about a big, possibly traumatic change. The fact that they want to sleep on the bed rather than under it is a good sign.
posted by amethysts at 6:50 AM on February 3, 2011
Yes, give it time.
We got a kitten who was born stray 15 years ago. He was insanely playful and friendly, but never wanted to sit or sleep near or on us. Five years later he was hard to keep off your lap and he's been that way ever since. I think some cats are just very independent and energetic when they're certain ages and take a while to mellow out, even if they like people. From what you're saying it sounds like your cats will mellow and come around also. It's the really hardcore stand-offish ones who will probably never be lap animals.
Also- I'd suggest bringing people over to your house as often as possible to be around them and socialize them. The more and sooner they're used to people coming in the door and hanging out, the mellower they'll be in the long run. Your guests don't even have to touch them or play with them. Just being around will teach the cats that strangers in the house aren't some huge threat like a vacuum cleaner.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 7:03 AM on February 3, 2011
We got a kitten who was born stray 15 years ago. He was insanely playful and friendly, but never wanted to sit or sleep near or on us. Five years later he was hard to keep off your lap and he's been that way ever since. I think some cats are just very independent and energetic when they're certain ages and take a while to mellow out, even if they like people. From what you're saying it sounds like your cats will mellow and come around also. It's the really hardcore stand-offish ones who will probably never be lap animals.
Also- I'd suggest bringing people over to your house as often as possible to be around them and socialize them. The more and sooner they're used to people coming in the door and hanging out, the mellower they'll be in the long run. Your guests don't even have to touch them or play with them. Just being around will teach the cats that strangers in the house aren't some huge threat like a vacuum cleaner.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 7:03 AM on February 3, 2011
Time, and I would definitely be more aggressive about giving them cuddles whether they seem to want them or not. One of my cats won't come and sit on our laps of her own accord, but she always purrs instantly when petted and will often happily sit on my lap when I put her there. She has definitely gotten more affectionate since we got her six months ago. It does take time, but I think it also takes effort on your part.
posted by something something at 7:12 AM on February 3, 2011
posted by something something at 7:12 AM on February 3, 2011
My kitty is middle aged and is just now starting to initiate lap time. I found that she likes sitting on fleece jackets and sweaters that I've worn and that smell like me, so I started leaving them on the floor next to the bed, where she settles in for the night. If I left one on the couch, she would sometimes sit on that. Mostly, now, she sits on one end of the couch on "her" blanket and I sit next to her in the middle of the couch. Every once in a while, she'll decide to come knead my tummy or slink up onto my lap. She'll do it more often if I have a lap blanket or something. I'm guessing that my lap looks safer that way, more like a solid surface for her.
The other thing that's helped her be more of a lap kitty is that I started grabbing her and putting her on my lap while I sat on some stairs. She likes sitting on our stairs anyway, but I think holding her on my lap on the stairs, with my lap just a few inches from "her" stair, made her more comfortable with lap time.
Hope that helps with some ideas!
posted by BlooPen at 7:15 AM on February 3, 2011
The other thing that's helped her be more of a lap kitty is that I started grabbing her and putting her on my lap while I sat on some stairs. She likes sitting on our stairs anyway, but I think holding her on my lap on the stairs, with my lap just a few inches from "her" stair, made her more comfortable with lap time.
Hope that helps with some ideas!
posted by BlooPen at 7:15 AM on February 3, 2011
Brushing, definitely. My inlaws adopted a cat many years ago who they think was abused in some way, and for the better part of a year they barely even saw her. But my step-father-in-law, who is a gentle, easygoing man, would brush her every morning and evening, which she came to look forward to so much that she finally started jumping in his lap. But she was never the cuddly type, at least until she had a stroke, which has changed her personality.
I think most cats do show affection, given time to adjust to new environments and people. We adopted a big, relatively young male four months ago. While he loves my husband's lap, his affection towards me is more doglike--following me around, lying on the kitchen floor watching me while I cook or in a chair nearby while I work. He doesn't like to be picked up, but it's clear that he wants to be where we are. Your cats sound like they're definitely taking to you. Patience and time are all you need, and lots of willingness to give affection and treats.
posted by tully_monster at 7:21 AM on February 3, 2011
I think most cats do show affection, given time to adjust to new environments and people. We adopted a big, relatively young male four months ago. While he loves my husband's lap, his affection towards me is more doglike--following me around, lying on the kitchen floor watching me while I cook or in a chair nearby while I work. He doesn't like to be picked up, but it's clear that he wants to be where we are. Your cats sound like they're definitely taking to you. Patience and time are all you need, and lots of willingness to give affection and treats.
posted by tully_monster at 7:21 AM on February 3, 2011
Nthing wool as a cat attractor- kitties love it.
My parents' cats- of whom I am about to post photographs cough cough- stop being their usual spazzy selves and go lap-crazy when there's a wool blanket, coat, etc nearby.
Gizmo, Gizmo again (yes, that's a full-grown adult cat; she's the runt of a litter of runts, and for the last 3 years has remained basically a large kitten)
Maximilian, who's a bit bigger now, but only just.
posted by Merzbau at 7:24 AM on February 3, 2011
My parents' cats- of whom I am about to post photographs cough cough- stop being their usual spazzy selves and go lap-crazy when there's a wool blanket, coat, etc nearby.
Gizmo, Gizmo again (yes, that's a full-grown adult cat; she's the runt of a litter of runts, and for the last 3 years has remained basically a large kitten)
Maximilian, who's a bit bigger now, but only just.
posted by Merzbau at 7:24 AM on February 3, 2011
Sorry, that first pic of wee little Gizmo didn't make it- there we go.
posted by Merzbau at 7:26 AM on February 3, 2011
posted by Merzbau at 7:26 AM on February 3, 2011
My cat is quite affectionate but isn't really a "lap cat" so much. I have found that he absolutely loves when we're sitting on the couch and put a big blanket over our legs. Something about the crevasses or the fabric or whatever really gets him into lovely cuddle mode. He rarely does this without the blanket down. Something to try!
posted by amicamentis at 7:34 AM on February 3, 2011
posted by amicamentis at 7:34 AM on February 3, 2011
You need way more time. I got two rescues five years ago. One didn't sit in my lap until last summer. It might have had something to do with the other being put down, because she was a cuddler. But just give it lots of time and try to attract them by doing important paperwork, cats like to sit on important paperwork.
posted by motsque at 7:37 AM on February 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by motsque at 7:37 AM on February 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Time time time. I don't know really what catnip is (seems to be an American product), but the real answer is trust.
posted by pompomtom at 7:37 AM on February 3, 2011
posted by pompomtom at 7:37 AM on February 3, 2011
Really? You're missing out, pompomtom. It's a plant in the mint family that is essentially a mild (and hilarious) kitty drug. Makes them hyperactive, playful, sleepy, cuddly, or some unpredictable combination of the above.
posted by Merzbau at 7:48 AM on February 3, 2011
posted by Merzbau at 7:48 AM on February 3, 2011
One of our cats is 15 years old. She only recently began making forays onto the lap.
Another cat, a male, became a total lap fungus after I found out about this little fact: Some cats love to be "spanked", by which I mean very firm patting just in front of the base of the tail. Now he jumps into your lap, sticks his butt in your face, and demands to be spanked.
Yeah, I know, it's a little weird...
posted by mikeand1 at 7:51 AM on February 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Another cat, a male, became a total lap fungus after I found out about this little fact: Some cats love to be "spanked", by which I mean very firm patting just in front of the base of the tail. Now he jumps into your lap, sticks his butt in your face, and demands to be spanked.
Yeah, I know, it's a little weird...
posted by mikeand1 at 7:51 AM on February 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Tuna. Fleece blankies. Catnip mice. You will have very happy kitties.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 9:32 AM on February 3, 2011
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 9:32 AM on February 3, 2011
Really? You're missing out, pompomtom. It's a plant in the mint family that is essentially a mild (and hilarious) kitty drug.
Actually, he probably isn't. Most domestic cats in Australia are not susceptible to catnip. I've tried it with mine and he was supremely unimpressed.
posted by embrangled at 10:12 AM on February 3, 2011
Actually, he probably isn't. Most domestic cats in Australia are not susceptible to catnip. I've tried it with mine and he was supremely unimpressed.
posted by embrangled at 10:12 AM on February 3, 2011
Then I submit that it is the cats of the Antipodes who are missing out. Poor, poor kitties.
posted by Merzbau at 11:28 AM on February 3, 2011
posted by Merzbau at 11:28 AM on February 3, 2011
Cat spanking. It's real.
(The first link in that post is dead: here's another live version.)
Nthing giving them time to warm up. And not every affectionate cat is a lap cat. I had a Siamese who politely declined laps, but who would snuggle up beside me for hours on the couch. He also would drag a measuring tape to me several times a day so he could chase it across floor and furniture. Your cats may yet develop some bizarre way of showing attention and affection.
posted by maudlin at 11:33 AM on February 3, 2011
(The first link in that post is dead: here's another live version.)
Nthing giving them time to warm up. And not every affectionate cat is a lap cat. I had a Siamese who politely declined laps, but who would snuggle up beside me for hours on the couch. He also would drag a measuring tape to me several times a day so he could chase it across floor and furniture. Your cats may yet develop some bizarre way of showing attention and affection.
posted by maudlin at 11:33 AM on February 3, 2011
Your entire line of questioning is based upon an inaccurate premise: these are not your cats. You are their humans.
posted by hootenatty at 11:53 AM on February 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by hootenatty at 11:53 AM on February 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
I adopted two cats in 2003, a mother and daughter aged 2 and 1 years old. The mother cat had been played with and petted, and was very sociable around people, loved being fussed and was very outgoing and confident. But her kitten had not been handled much, with the result that even now, all these years later when she has lived in a loving home, she hates being touched and stroked, and will bend her back away from my hand so I can't stroke her. Any touching is strictly on her terms.
Her mother died two weeks ago, and the other night, for the first time ever, she curled up in my lap and went to sleep. When her mother was alive, she would cuddle up with her all the time, but now she is by herself, I am the nearest warm body, and, although probably a poor substitute for the mother cat, she is now looking to me for more affection.
Give it time. But be prepared for the possibility/likelihood that your two cats will be happiest in their own company and will treat you as if you are their staff, there only to cater to their every whim.
posted by essexjan at 11:54 AM on February 3, 2011
Her mother died two weeks ago, and the other night, for the first time ever, she curled up in my lap and went to sleep. When her mother was alive, she would cuddle up with her all the time, but now she is by herself, I am the nearest warm body, and, although probably a poor substitute for the mother cat, she is now looking to me for more affection.
Give it time. But be prepared for the possibility/likelihood that your two cats will be happiest in their own company and will treat you as if you are their staff, there only to cater to their every whim.
posted by essexjan at 11:54 AM on February 3, 2011
Lots of petting, lots of playing, and lots of enthusiastic greeting whenever you see either of them. Cats are actually very affectionate but you kind of get what you give.
Also, though cats (of course!) are very individual and indiosyncratic beings, many of them love especially to have their ears, their cheeks/lips and the area under the chin/on the chest petted.
Finally, some cats, though very affectionate, are simply not lap cats. And some cats change over time. Our male cat, always very affectionate, used to hate being picked up, and now loves it.
posted by bearwife at 12:06 PM on February 3, 2011
Also, though cats (of course!) are very individual and indiosyncratic beings, many of them love especially to have their ears, their cheeks/lips and the area under the chin/on the chest petted.
Finally, some cats, though very affectionate, are simply not lap cats. And some cats change over time. Our male cat, always very affectionate, used to hate being picked up, and now loves it.
posted by bearwife at 12:06 PM on February 3, 2011
If they react to catnip (I have one cat that does and one that doesnt), that should be a reasonable way to get them to play with you. Of course, it also depends on their reaction (do they get affectionate? crazy?) but it seems quite plausible to use catnip to get a cat to sit/play with you. Do that enough and maybe they'd start doing it outside of the 'nip eventually (no guarantees).
posted by wildcrdj at 12:07 PM on February 3, 2011
posted by wildcrdj at 12:07 PM on February 3, 2011
Something to keep in mind as time passes: My cat was getting a little chubby, so I cut her food supply a bit, per vet's direction. I was pleasantly surprised to suddenly have a much more affectionate cat. Trading food for affection is a little tacky, but we're happy.
Also, as said above, cats seem to delight in clicker training. It changes their relationship with you in good ways. The cute tricks are beside the point.
posted by Corvid at 12:14 PM on February 3, 2011
Also, as said above, cats seem to delight in clicker training. It changes their relationship with you in good ways. The cute tricks are beside the point.
posted by Corvid at 12:14 PM on February 3, 2011
N-thing the need for more time. My heart-cat Digory was with me for five years before she was willing to sit on my lap (as I've noted other people saying, too, it was after the death of my other cat, who was the lap-sitter when Digory was adopted). When she started lap-sitting, she'd only do it if I had a blanket over my legs, and she had to be UNDER the blanket (I thought she didn't want people to know she was stooping so low as to be a lap cat). She gradually started sitting in my lap without the blanket after a while, and became a daily lap-sitter with me and an occasional lap-sitter with the husband I acquired along the way. By the year or two before she died, she was regularly sleeping on my back or my hip when I went to bed at night, and my husband said she learned how to log-roll with me if I shifted during the night. I didn't do anything to encourage this, really--just let her do all of it when she was ready.
I'm seeing my husband's cat get more affectionate and more physically proximate as she ages, also, and I'm waiting to see what happens with our wild calico (who's already more willing to sit with us, though not on us, in the evenings than she was a couple years ago). I really think that when many cats are young they just don't have the self-control to settle in for extended contact, and that grows with age.
posted by dlugoczaj at 1:01 PM on February 3, 2011
I'm seeing my husband's cat get more affectionate and more physically proximate as she ages, also, and I'm waiting to see what happens with our wild calico (who's already more willing to sit with us, though not on us, in the evenings than she was a couple years ago). I really think that when many cats are young they just don't have the self-control to settle in for extended contact, and that grows with age.
posted by dlugoczaj at 1:01 PM on February 3, 2011
My husband's cat was pretty standoffish until we forced the issue with him and handled him a lot more (especially not-on-his-terms). He found that he actually liked being petted and snuggled (and is now the "Director and Notifier of Bedtime's Onset" so he can have his Approved Snuggly People let him under the covers), but YMMV because it's also a personality thing.
posted by bookdragoness at 1:46 PM on February 3, 2011
posted by bookdragoness at 1:46 PM on February 3, 2011
It took my Birman -- a known affectionate breed, and a cat who would accept a lot of handling -- 13 years and the death of his companion to turn from a "will accept scritches and follow you around a bit" cat to a "lives on a lap" cat. Some cats are lap cats, and for others it's just not their kink.
posted by mendel at 2:56 PM on February 3, 2011
posted by mendel at 2:56 PM on February 3, 2011
Our two cats (now one - count your blessings) were raised by us from kittens, fawned over, coddled, etc. They also hated being picked up, refused to sit on our laps, would occasionally sit on the bed, but would just as likely get up and leave when you got in. In the warm months they were like teenagers, cruising in around dinner time, grabbing a bite to eat then disappearing til the same time the next night. Our other cat (a Birman cross) was the same, though in his later years (8+) he'd come curl up on the recliner between your legs for a half hour or so in the winter, and would also climb under the covers, but that was about it.
So yeah, that's just cats.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 3:10 PM on February 3, 2011
So yeah, that's just cats.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 3:10 PM on February 3, 2011
We have one of those weird cats. She came to us starving and half naked, but otherwise affable and confident. She does not seek out affection but comes out with a big roaring purr when it's offered to her.
Lately (this is after about 9-10 months of living with us) she has been going crazee and putting her hand on someone's leg when they happen to be sitting down next to her. And the other day, when she was walking across the tel3mum's chair, her progress was successfully arrested with head scratchings and she even settled down on the tel3mum's lap (although I don't really believe this - pics or it didn't happen, y'know?).
She's only about two. We have around 13 years to enrich her mind and personality. We figure that appreciating Mozart means she's on track intellectually for her age, so her emotional development will catch up soon enough.
posted by tel3path at 3:37 PM on February 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Lately (this is after about 9-10 months of living with us) she has been going crazee and putting her hand on someone's leg when they happen to be sitting down next to her. And the other day, when she was walking across the tel3mum's chair, her progress was successfully arrested with head scratchings and she even settled down on the tel3mum's lap (although I don't really believe this - pics or it didn't happen, y'know?).
She's only about two. We have around 13 years to enrich her mind and personality. We figure that appreciating Mozart means she's on track intellectually for her age, so her emotional development will catch up soon enough.
posted by tel3path at 3:37 PM on February 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
A similar question was asked recently. Quoting myself:
I have a pair of brothers adopted at eight weeks. One brother was a lovebug from the beginning. The other brother has just this year decided that laps are pretty wonderful and hey, I can stand to be held for a minute or two. They're three years old.
I forced affection on him a few times. Almost every time I did so I ended up bleeding from several places (I'm a slow learner stubborn). Your cat may vary.
And even though it's been said many times, I'll say it again - cats are weird.
posted by deborah at 4:29 PM on February 3, 2011
I have a pair of brothers adopted at eight weeks. One brother was a lovebug from the beginning. The other brother has just this year decided that laps are pretty wonderful and hey, I can stand to be held for a minute or two. They're three years old.
I forced affection on him a few times. Almost every time I did so I ended up bleeding from several places (I'm a slow learner stubborn). Your cat may vary.
And even though it's been said many times, I'll say it again - cats are weird.
posted by deborah at 4:29 PM on February 3, 2011
Yeah, two months is nothing in cat time.
and lots of enthusiastic greeting whenever you see either of them
Yep, seconding that. I don't like to force physical contact on a wary cat, but a friendly, soft-spoken, silky greeting like, "Hey, kitty. What are you doing? Look at you being a kitty" or something equally silly, every time you see them (and then just moving on to whatever else you were going to do), really helps over time.
posted by mediareport at 7:15 PM on February 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
and lots of enthusiastic greeting whenever you see either of them
Yep, seconding that. I don't like to force physical contact on a wary cat, but a friendly, soft-spoken, silky greeting like, "Hey, kitty. What are you doing? Look at you being a kitty" or something equally silly, every time you see them (and then just moving on to whatever else you were going to do), really helps over time.
posted by mediareport at 7:15 PM on February 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Two months is a very short time for cats to adapt to a new household and new family, especially if their previous situation was at all traumatic. At two months in, the level of interaction you describe sounds fine to me, and fairly promising for the future.
We got our two (a mother-daughter pair) from the shelter, and although the mother was confident and affectionate from the moment the shelter worker brought them out of the cage into the get-to-know-you room, the daughter was Little Miss Skittish. She hid behind a television in the corner of the room for almost the entire time we were there, even while her mama was out getting snuggles and played with.
Two years later... she's confident, affectionate, companionable, and spends a lot of time lying in the middle of the living room floor on her back, batting playfully at whoever walks by. If I'm home during the day, around mid-morning she goes into a mode of PET THE CAT NOW MONKEY NOW NOW NOW CAT WANTS SNUGGLES MONKEY HOP TO IT!!! (And, of course, being a big sappy moosh pushover, I do.)
Give it time. Keep up with the snuggles and petting them any time they walk by within reach or you pass them. In my experience, the more you socialize a cat, the sweeter and more companionable they get.
posted by Lexica at 8:14 PM on February 3, 2011
We got our two (a mother-daughter pair) from the shelter, and although the mother was confident and affectionate from the moment the shelter worker brought them out of the cage into the get-to-know-you room, the daughter was Little Miss Skittish. She hid behind a television in the corner of the room for almost the entire time we were there, even while her mama was out getting snuggles and played with.
Two years later... she's confident, affectionate, companionable, and spends a lot of time lying in the middle of the living room floor on her back, batting playfully at whoever walks by. If I'm home during the day, around mid-morning she goes into a mode of PET THE CAT NOW MONKEY NOW NOW NOW CAT WANTS SNUGGLES MONKEY HOP TO IT!!! (And, of course, being a big sappy moosh pushover, I do.)
Give it time. Keep up with the snuggles and petting them any time they walk by within reach or you pass them. In my experience, the more you socialize a cat, the sweeter and more companionable they get.
posted by Lexica at 8:14 PM on February 3, 2011
I had a cat who liked us and would hang out, but had no interest in being picked up or on laps. Then he was severely injured in a car accident, and for a time after he would sit in our laps. I guess it made him feel better when he was poorly. I was actually relieved when he got back to not being interested in lap time.
My point is, your cats may or may not ever show you overt affection by sitting in your lap, but they will show it other ways: by watching you work, by sleeping on your bed, by waking up and coming over to the door when you come home. It's nice to have cuddly cats, but they're all such individuals that it's hard to say what will or won't make them more affectionate. I don't know how much has to do with kittenhood, either- we had ferals that once they came inside and got used to us were constantly in our laps, and cats that were born at our house that were less so.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:43 PM on February 3, 2011
My point is, your cats may or may not ever show you overt affection by sitting in your lap, but they will show it other ways: by watching you work, by sleeping on your bed, by waking up and coming over to the door when you come home. It's nice to have cuddly cats, but they're all such individuals that it's hard to say what will or won't make them more affectionate. I don't know how much has to do with kittenhood, either- we had ferals that once they came inside and got used to us were constantly in our laps, and cats that were born at our house that were less so.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:43 PM on February 3, 2011
More time, yes, and also be prepared to accept that your cats are not that sort of cat. My cat will lay beside me, or sleep behind my knees if it's cold, but that's about it for cat-initiated loving. If I sing silly songs to him, he'll purr and slow-blink and follow me around.
You can train your cats to like to spend time with you: keep a canister of kittybits on you at all times, and when they come close to you, rub on you, slow blink at you, etc., toss them a treat. Like with training a dog, immediacy is crucial. If you're fiddling around and they stop to stare at you, you're rewarding them for staring at you. Cats don't need help with that. Also be sure not to lure them with the treats, then you'll train them to beg. You can eventually progress to holding them, for short periods of time at first and then work your way up. BUT BUT BUT: if you try forcing attention on your cats when they don't want it you will train them to associate being near you with physical discomfort.
Do some research on cat body language, such as ear, eye, and tail positions, and as soon as your cat displays any sign of irritation, put them down, walk away, ignore them. This may not turn them into lap cats, but it can build a healthy cat/human relationship also help you learn to recognize the more subtle ways cats show affection.
posted by syanna at 11:45 PM on February 3, 2011
You can train your cats to like to spend time with you: keep a canister of kittybits on you at all times, and when they come close to you, rub on you, slow blink at you, etc., toss them a treat. Like with training a dog, immediacy is crucial. If you're fiddling around and they stop to stare at you, you're rewarding them for staring at you. Cats don't need help with that. Also be sure not to lure them with the treats, then you'll train them to beg. You can eventually progress to holding them, for short periods of time at first and then work your way up. BUT BUT BUT: if you try forcing attention on your cats when they don't want it you will train them to associate being near you with physical discomfort.
Do some research on cat body language, such as ear, eye, and tail positions, and as soon as your cat displays any sign of irritation, put them down, walk away, ignore them. This may not turn them into lap cats, but it can build a healthy cat/human relationship also help you learn to recognize the more subtle ways cats show affection.
posted by syanna at 11:45 PM on February 3, 2011
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