Is it a mistake to miss being 'cool' at 30?
January 27, 2011 12:04 PM Subscribe
Is it a mistake to miss being 'cool' at 30?
It's easy to be be cool. Too easy. All it takes is answering cool's seductive call with the help of some money - to get a certain haircut or techno-product or wardrobe or a banjo and some lessons...
There have been a couple times in my life when I achieved 'cool' and then did a complete turnaround, deliberately uncooling myself because I was disgusted with the attention cool won me. This is the state I'm in now. But now at 30, even though I'm married and have a lovely baby, I miss cool. Cool = exciting and not cool = lonely. Almost all my friends have moved to other cities. My husband and I have not made any friends in the last 4 years. I'd like of like people to know what kind of person I am by looking at me - maybe this way conversations would start with new people.
The thing is, the things I am interested in are indeed 'cool' in the subculture I belong to, but I still go out of my way to avoid telling people things about myself that would make them like me and relate to me. I have been buying boring, not-me clothes on purpose just to assert to myself how much I don't care. I lost my nose ring (which was tiny and set me apart just a little bit) and didn't bother to buy another one and now surely the hole is closed up. I don't advertise my interests or convictions. I don't understand why I do these things, because they leaves me lonely and lacking confidence and miserable. I despise cool. But at the same time, I want it again, at least a little bit.
I know this is incredibly muddled and I feel like a ridiculous loser asking this question, but it's been bothering me for a long time now. I just hope someone can throw some insight my way. I thought I was supposed to be done with cool at this age. So, my question is: Is it a lapse of judgment to want to be cool at 30? And if it's not and I should just let myself have a little bit of cool, how do I justify the shallowness of it to myself?
It's easy to be be cool. Too easy. All it takes is answering cool's seductive call with the help of some money - to get a certain haircut or techno-product or wardrobe or a banjo and some lessons...
There have been a couple times in my life when I achieved 'cool' and then did a complete turnaround, deliberately uncooling myself because I was disgusted with the attention cool won me. This is the state I'm in now. But now at 30, even though I'm married and have a lovely baby, I miss cool. Cool = exciting and not cool = lonely. Almost all my friends have moved to other cities. My husband and I have not made any friends in the last 4 years. I'd like of like people to know what kind of person I am by looking at me - maybe this way conversations would start with new people.
The thing is, the things I am interested in are indeed 'cool' in the subculture I belong to, but I still go out of my way to avoid telling people things about myself that would make them like me and relate to me. I have been buying boring, not-me clothes on purpose just to assert to myself how much I don't care. I lost my nose ring (which was tiny and set me apart just a little bit) and didn't bother to buy another one and now surely the hole is closed up. I don't advertise my interests or convictions. I don't understand why I do these things, because they leaves me lonely and lacking confidence and miserable. I despise cool. But at the same time, I want it again, at least a little bit.
I know this is incredibly muddled and I feel like a ridiculous loser asking this question, but it's been bothering me for a long time now. I just hope someone can throw some insight my way. I thought I was supposed to be done with cool at this age. So, my question is: Is it a lapse of judgment to want to be cool at 30? And if it's not and I should just let myself have a little bit of cool, how do I justify the shallowness of it to myself?
I think you are doing yourself a disservice by going out of your way to be not-you.
A lot of female friends went through a post baby having phase where they actively tried to be a mental image of "mom" and not be themselves. I think you are worrying too much and way overthinking it. Be yourself, make new friends who like you for who you are.
posted by Zophi at 12:10 PM on January 27, 2011
A lot of female friends went through a post baby having phase where they actively tried to be a mental image of "mom" and not be themselves. I think you are worrying too much and way overthinking it. Be yourself, make new friends who like you for who you are.
posted by Zophi at 12:10 PM on January 27, 2011
You need to quit worrying about coolness and uncoolness and start being faithful to the things that you genuinely like. Labeling yourself is a surefire path to misery.
And I say this as someone who, at nearly thirty, is very, very cool.
posted by milk white peacock at 12:12 PM on January 27, 2011 [10 favorites]
And I say this as someone who, at nearly thirty, is very, very cool.
posted by milk white peacock at 12:12 PM on January 27, 2011 [10 favorites]
I achieved 'cool' and then did a complete turnaround, deliberately uncooling myself because I was disgusted with the attention cool won me.
Deliberately "uncooling" yourself is not a reversal at all. It's the same pretentious, shallow bullshit that "cooling" yourself is. It's all a charade designed to show people what you want them to see, instead of letting people see who you are.
So, with all possible kindness: get the fuck over yourself and start being real before it's too late.
posted by rokusan at 12:12 PM on January 27, 2011 [66 favorites]
Deliberately "uncooling" yourself is not a reversal at all. It's the same pretentious, shallow bullshit that "cooling" yourself is. It's all a charade designed to show people what you want them to see, instead of letting people see who you are.
So, with all possible kindness: get the fuck over yourself and start being real before it's too late.
posted by rokusan at 12:12 PM on January 27, 2011 [66 favorites]
Just be yourself. It doesn't sound like you ever have. If you like the way you look with a certain hair cut or accessory, go for it. Don't avoid it just because it's too cool or not cool enough. If there's a hobby you want to take up because it's something you enjoy, then do it for yourself. Not for the onlookers. Are you trying to appear cool or actually be cool, is the question. Being comfortable with yourself - however understated or crazy that self may be - is the definition of cool. Be yourself and you'll attract the kind of people who will not flitter away when you no longer wear a nose ring or whatever.
posted by katillathehun at 12:13 PM on January 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by katillathehun at 12:13 PM on January 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Depends on how you define 'cool'.
I've tried to teach my daughters that cool comes from the slow earned benefits of learning a skill or having an experience. If you can just go out and buy something (clothes, tech, tattoos), well, that's not cool because anyone can do that and there's nothing special about it. Learning the piano; working for Habitat; raising a kid; running a marathon; learning to sew ... all cool.
Deep inside, we all know this. People with deep skills and long experiences are inherently more interesting to talk to. There the ones with groups of people around them at parties. And this type of skill/experience has the added bonus of making you very valuable: an authentic person.
So I would forget about clothes and crowds and nose rings and just start learning stuff and/or experiencing things. Then the cool will flow from many places ... and it will flow from a font that's exclusively, authentically, wonderfully you.
Just my opinion.
posted by lpsguy at 12:14 PM on January 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
I've tried to teach my daughters that cool comes from the slow earned benefits of learning a skill or having an experience. If you can just go out and buy something (clothes, tech, tattoos), well, that's not cool because anyone can do that and there's nothing special about it. Learning the piano; working for Habitat; raising a kid; running a marathon; learning to sew ... all cool.
Deep inside, we all know this. People with deep skills and long experiences are inherently more interesting to talk to. There the ones with groups of people around them at parties. And this type of skill/experience has the added bonus of making you very valuable: an authentic person.
So I would forget about clothes and crowds and nose rings and just start learning stuff and/or experiencing things. Then the cool will flow from many places ... and it will flow from a font that's exclusively, authentically, wonderfully you.
Just my opinion.
posted by lpsguy at 12:14 PM on January 27, 2011 [8 favorites]
I'm not really sure what you're asking. Why not just be yourself and not care?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:14 PM on January 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:14 PM on January 27, 2011 [6 favorites]
General rule: there are people out there who wish they were whatever age you are right now, with all the cultural implications that carries. I for one am 22 and would rather be married and have a lovely baby than have to spend so much time, energy and money luring mates by trying to be "with it."
You will be "cool" in as much as you advertise the things you're genuinely interested in. That has nothing to do with your age, but it might have to do with what you perceive your age enables you to do or not do. Don't care about that so much.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 12:14 PM on January 27, 2011
You will be "cool" in as much as you advertise the things you're genuinely interested in. That has nothing to do with your age, but it might have to do with what you perceive your age enables you to do or not do. Don't care about that so much.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 12:14 PM on January 27, 2011
I think of trying to be cool as the proverbial albatross around my neck. I have found the freedom associated with just being whatever the hell I am to be quite amazing. Perhaps you can too, if you're willing to just be yourself.
posted by tommasz at 12:15 PM on January 27, 2011
posted by tommasz at 12:15 PM on January 27, 2011
Best answer: Dude, stop wanting to be "cool" or "uncool" or worrying about external validation. JUST BE YOU. The things you find interesting/fun/whatever, DO THOSE THINGS, and if other people also think they are interesting and fun and admire you for doing them, more power to you. Although my general experience is that when you do things that YOU think are awesome, other people mostly think you're awesome because of your (dorky!) enthusiasm for your hobby/interest/job/whatever.
It's a mistake to be chasing cool at 30. (It's a mistake to teach your child to chase cool and seek external validation ... but you know that.) It's NOT a mistake to want to live your life with authenticity and seek connection with other people. I think you are confusing these two things: "Being cool" with "living authentically" and "seeking external validation" with "making human connections." And I think that's why you feel bad about wanting connection and wanting to be authentic, because it sort-of feels like you're performing for others instead of living for yourself. But the second thing in both of these pairs is a good thing! So for the love of God, live your life with nose-ring-wearing authenticity and seek connection with other people who are of your tribe, whatever tribe that may be!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:16 PM on January 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
It's a mistake to be chasing cool at 30. (It's a mistake to teach your child to chase cool and seek external validation ... but you know that.) It's NOT a mistake to want to live your life with authenticity and seek connection with other people. I think you are confusing these two things: "Being cool" with "living authentically" and "seeking external validation" with "making human connections." And I think that's why you feel bad about wanting connection and wanting to be authentic, because it sort-of feels like you're performing for others instead of living for yourself. But the second thing in both of these pairs is a good thing! So for the love of God, live your life with nose-ring-wearing authenticity and seek connection with other people who are of your tribe, whatever tribe that may be!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:16 PM on January 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you don't want to be mistaken for someone who chooses her behavior based on what she wants other people to think about her instead of what she truly wants to do.
Do you realize that by conspicuously acting in ways that you think show that you "don't care," you are basing your behavior on what you think other people are thinking about you, rather than what you actually want to do?
There's nothing wrong with wanting people to admire you and find you interesting. We all want this. I think you need to stop thinking about this in terms of "coolness"; "cool" is a vague, chimerical term that will keep you from figuring out what exactly it is that you want to feel.
posted by enlarged to show texture at 12:19 PM on January 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Do you realize that by conspicuously acting in ways that you think show that you "don't care," you are basing your behavior on what you think other people are thinking about you, rather than what you actually want to do?
There's nothing wrong with wanting people to admire you and find you interesting. We all want this. I think you need to stop thinking about this in terms of "coolness"; "cool" is a vague, chimerical term that will keep you from figuring out what exactly it is that you want to feel.
posted by enlarged to show texture at 12:19 PM on January 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
This doesn't seem to be about being "cool" (I really have no idea what you're intending that word to mean, though). It seems to be about you living your life based on the judgments of others, positive and negative. You get a haircut because you think it will make people think well of you, and then you buy clothes you don't like because you think it will change their opinion of you. You don't indulge your own interests because you don't want people to react to them in a certain way, but then you get upset because people aren't responding to you positively.
I think you need to spend some time figuring out how to care less about "cool" or "uncool" or any other reactions other people might have to you. It's not shallow to buy clothes you like or assert your convictions, even if those clothes and convictions happen to be popular with people you like. That's just a happy coincidence (or possibly, if you want to get all analytic about it, a product of social forces outside your control). The point is that you need to figure out what you actually like, and then find the self-esteem to express your preferences, whether or not they happen to be other people's preferences too.
posted by decathecting at 12:21 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you need to spend some time figuring out how to care less about "cool" or "uncool" or any other reactions other people might have to you. It's not shallow to buy clothes you like or assert your convictions, even if those clothes and convictions happen to be popular with people you like. That's just a happy coincidence (or possibly, if you want to get all analytic about it, a product of social forces outside your control). The point is that you need to figure out what you actually like, and then find the self-esteem to express your preferences, whether or not they happen to be other people's preferences too.
posted by decathecting at 12:21 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Every time I try to act as I perceive other people think I should act, I wind up looking like a huge schmuck.
Every time I try to act more or less like myself, I wind up pulling through.
posted by Sticherbeast at 12:21 PM on January 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Every time I try to act more or less like myself, I wind up pulling through.
posted by Sticherbeast at 12:21 PM on January 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
You know, I would never have considered myself to be cool, ever. At 36 I've given up chasing it, for sure. Recently a few people have told me that they think that I am cool, which blows my mind...but lends credence to the "be yourself" advice you're getting here. The people who think I'm cool are the few people that I have been comfortable enough to be myself with...so there must be something to being true to who you are.
posted by cabingirl at 12:22 PM on January 27, 2011
posted by cabingirl at 12:22 PM on January 27, 2011
Response by poster: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I feel so relieved to hear some 'get your shit together' truth. You guys are smart.
posted by kitcat at 12:22 PM on January 27, 2011
posted by kitcat at 12:22 PM on January 27, 2011
Oh, and this:
I'd like of like people to know what kind of person I am by looking at me - maybe this way conversations would start with new people.
This is not the way to make new friends. If you want to start conversations with new people, you should start them. But your new friendships, if they're going to be real, need to be about more than having the same taste in shoes as someone else. If you want to meet people you'll want to hang out with, start doing things you like to do and hang out with the people you meet while doing those things. No one worth being friends with is going to want to hang out with you because you look a certain way. Friendships take time to develop, and they're based on getting to know what's below the surface. It's frustrating, but being "cool" is not going to make you less lonely. Being sociable and interested in things and genuine, however, will.
posted by decathecting at 12:24 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd like of like people to know what kind of person I am by looking at me - maybe this way conversations would start with new people.
This is not the way to make new friends. If you want to start conversations with new people, you should start them. But your new friendships, if they're going to be real, need to be about more than having the same taste in shoes as someone else. If you want to meet people you'll want to hang out with, start doing things you like to do and hang out with the people you meet while doing those things. No one worth being friends with is going to want to hang out with you because you look a certain way. Friendships take time to develop, and they're based on getting to know what's below the surface. It's frustrating, but being "cool" is not going to make you less lonely. Being sociable and interested in things and genuine, however, will.
posted by decathecting at 12:24 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
For me, turning thirty was a huge relief because I somehow got over wanting to be cool. It just... stopped mattering. So great! I find much more fulfillment from just doing my own thing without worrying who will care than I ever did looking over my shoulder to make sure I had an audience.
You seem really lonely. Have you hooked up with any new mom groups? All of my mom friends have been able to meet new people that way.
And speaking as someone with tattoos and a nose piercing - no one has ever come up to me and struck up a conversation because of the metal in my face. Unless you count the guy who asked if I knew where to get some weed. Which I don't.
posted by sugarfish at 12:26 PM on January 27, 2011
You seem really lonely. Have you hooked up with any new mom groups? All of my mom friends have been able to meet new people that way.
And speaking as someone with tattoos and a nose piercing - no one has ever come up to me and struck up a conversation because of the metal in my face. Unless you count the guy who asked if I knew where to get some weed. Which I don't.
posted by sugarfish at 12:26 PM on January 27, 2011
I think you're bogged down in "cool", but really the issue here is that you're not expressing your personality.
Buy clothes you love, not clothes that are deliberately boring or that you think will give you status ("cool" = a certain sort of status).
Go places and do things that interest you, regardless of whether it means you will meet the right sort of people or not.
If you meet new people, don't hide your personality under a bushel, be your real self. If someone asks what bands you're into, tell the truth, don't say something bland like, "Oh, I listen to everything". If you're talking about somewhere you went/something you saw, don't downplay it.
If someone looks interesting to you or you think you have something in common, just talk to them. At worst they'll think you're a weirdo who talks to random people in public (but having a kid in tow usually erases those boundaries anyway).
As long as you stay true to yourself, you will meet people and all will be fine. I recently found out that when I met my current roommate, she thought I was "super cool". My memory of the same situation is that I was a disheveled mess and worried about whether I came off as weird/pretentious/a dweeb and whether I would get the apartment or not. People apparently think I'm "a hipster" (in a way that means "too cool for school"), whereas I don't necessarily think I have any cohesive style or taste at all, let alone anything that would put me in a particular subculture.
posted by Sara C. at 12:27 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Buy clothes you love, not clothes that are deliberately boring or that you think will give you status ("cool" = a certain sort of status).
Go places and do things that interest you, regardless of whether it means you will meet the right sort of people or not.
If you meet new people, don't hide your personality under a bushel, be your real self. If someone asks what bands you're into, tell the truth, don't say something bland like, "Oh, I listen to everything". If you're talking about somewhere you went/something you saw, don't downplay it.
If someone looks interesting to you or you think you have something in common, just talk to them. At worst they'll think you're a weirdo who talks to random people in public (but having a kid in tow usually erases those boundaries anyway).
As long as you stay true to yourself, you will meet people and all will be fine. I recently found out that when I met my current roommate, she thought I was "super cool". My memory of the same situation is that I was a disheveled mess and worried about whether I came off as weird/pretentious/a dweeb and whether I would get the apartment or not. People apparently think I'm "a hipster" (in a way that means "too cool for school"), whereas I don't necessarily think I have any cohesive style or taste at all, let alone anything that would put me in a particular subculture.
posted by Sara C. at 12:27 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's easy to be be cool. Too easy.
May I suggest that there's something very flawed with the premise of this question. It is not at all easy to be cool, at least not for everyone. If I decided I wanted to be cool, and was willing to dedicate significant time and money to it, I would fail miserably. Assuming I could even figure out what cool was. (I think I could maybe do that part, but the actually being cool part? Heck no. I know my limits.) If you find it easy to be cool, however you're defining it, then you are cool, and deliberate de-cooling of yourself is, as rokusan says, just another side of the same trend. In other words, you don't need to worry about it.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 12:40 PM on January 27, 2011
May I suggest that there's something very flawed with the premise of this question. It is not at all easy to be cool, at least not for everyone. If I decided I wanted to be cool, and was willing to dedicate significant time and money to it, I would fail miserably. Assuming I could even figure out what cool was. (I think I could maybe do that part, but the actually being cool part? Heck no. I know my limits.) If you find it easy to be cool, however you're defining it, then you are cool, and deliberate de-cooling of yourself is, as rokusan says, just another side of the same trend. In other words, you don't need to worry about it.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 12:40 PM on January 27, 2011
Stop giving a fuck about what others think and start doing whatever the hell you want. Some of the "coolest" people I know are people who function like this. Confidence is sexy, confidence is attractive.
It's obviously much harder to do this than to just say it. Pretending is a good start. Pretend not to care, pretend to be confident. Project it, and people will see it, and in their seeing it, you become it.
A story from my father's college days: The first time he did shrooms, my dad wandered about his dorm building, rambling to everyone about his doubts and fears and insecurities. The next day he ran into a friend of his who said the following, "Man, we always thought you were so cool and together and confident. Turns out you're just like the rest of us. You just hide it better."
I'm 28. I think it's a lapse of judgement to worry about what is cool or uncool. 1000x better to just be yourself. You're fine, and people like you just as you are.
You seem to think that at your age, you have to be boring. Let go of that. Just be you.
posted by mollymayhem at 12:41 PM on January 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
It's obviously much harder to do this than to just say it. Pretending is a good start. Pretend not to care, pretend to be confident. Project it, and people will see it, and in their seeing it, you become it.
A story from my father's college days: The first time he did shrooms, my dad wandered about his dorm building, rambling to everyone about his doubts and fears and insecurities. The next day he ran into a friend of his who said the following, "Man, we always thought you were so cool and together and confident. Turns out you're just like the rest of us. You just hide it better."
I'm 28. I think it's a lapse of judgement to worry about what is cool or uncool. 1000x better to just be yourself. You're fine, and people like you just as you are.
You seem to think that at your age, you have to be boring. Let go of that. Just be you.
posted by mollymayhem at 12:41 PM on January 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I manic panicked my hair a few months post baby (after getting a terrible moms-have-this-haircut haircut pre-baby). Sad to say it didn't make me more friends, or fewer friends. It just gave me carrot orange hair.
The most awesome thing about the 30 crisis--some people have it at 29, some 31--is that once you're out the other end you know who you are.
So, go ahead and experiment, but boring or not-boring, it's damn hard to make friends at that age, it's damn hard to make new friends when you have a baby unless they're other new parents in a playgroup (which is typically uncool or awful in itself), so do what makes you happy and do some personal discovery on what your brand actually is before you radically advertise it.
posted by Gucky at 12:44 PM on January 27, 2011
The most awesome thing about the 30 crisis--some people have it at 29, some 31--is that once you're out the other end you know who you are.
So, go ahead and experiment, but boring or not-boring, it's damn hard to make friends at that age, it's damn hard to make new friends when you have a baby unless they're other new parents in a playgroup (which is typically uncool or awful in itself), so do what makes you happy and do some personal discovery on what your brand actually is before you radically advertise it.
posted by Gucky at 12:44 PM on January 27, 2011
Best answer: This sounds to me like it is less about being cool and more about just having real, genuine friends. None of my friends think I'm cool in the way that you describe cool because they've all seen me sick, they've been there for me when I'm crying and really down and out, and they've seen me at my happiest, when I just do not care what I look like or what kind of image I'm projecting because I'm having such a good time.
It's hard to think someone is "cool" in the traditional sense after you've taken them to the hospital at 3 am and watched them whimper through getting an IV wearing nothing but a paper gown, you know?
In short, I don't think you want to be cool; I think you want to have real friends. There's a big difference, and the best way to get real friends is to just be yourself, as many of the people in this thread have already told you to do. So go, be yourself! Open up to people, and you'll find genuine friends, friends who don't care how "cool" or "uncool" you are but who just think you are the bees knees and who want to be there for you no matter what.
posted by k8lin at 12:44 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's hard to think someone is "cool" in the traditional sense after you've taken them to the hospital at 3 am and watched them whimper through getting an IV wearing nothing but a paper gown, you know?
In short, I don't think you want to be cool; I think you want to have real friends. There's a big difference, and the best way to get real friends is to just be yourself, as many of the people in this thread have already told you to do. So go, be yourself! Open up to people, and you'll find genuine friends, friends who don't care how "cool" or "uncool" you are but who just think you are the bees knees and who want to be there for you no matter what.
posted by k8lin at 12:44 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you are doing yourself a disservice by going out of your way to be not-you
Concur.
posted by notyou at 12:46 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Concur.
posted by notyou at 12:46 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Cool is essentially shorthand for self confidence and having the ability to go with the flow (in conversations, in stressful situations, and so on). It doesn't mean anything else. If you have those things, then you'll probably attract friends and activities naturally (unless there's actual barriers like if you live in a cabin up in the mountains). Age doesn't make a difference, either... I bet you can name 20 celebrities past 40 who are the epitome of cool. How to actually get self confidence and the ability to go with the flow, I don't have the answers... that's probably a whole new ask.mefi right there.
posted by crapmatic at 12:48 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by crapmatic at 12:48 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
nthing what everyone else has said.
Following trends, buying things to impress others, manufacturing an image—none of that makes a person cool. (In my opinion, it makes a person distinctly uncool.)
True coolness means that you go wherever your true heart leads you, however mundane or eccentric or trendy or unfashionable that may be, and laugh at anyone who tries to make you feel bad about yourself because of it. It means being comfortable in your own skin, and unconcerned with the judgments of others. Basing your behavior and dress on other's opinions (whether you're aiming to give a certain impression, or to avoid giving a certain impression) isn't coolness; it's insecurity.
This is why "coolness" (in the trendy, self-conscious, conspicuous sense) is so important to teens and twentysomethings: youth is an insecure time for a lot of people. People generally become less concerned with being "cool" as they get older because they learn to accept that they aren't rock stars, revolutionaries, or fashion magnates—and don't need to be to be good, fulfilled, productive, well liked people.
Trying to be cool is the surest way to be uncool. Pursuing your genuine passions, in the manner that's most honest and comfortable and meaningful for you, is the surest way to be cool. The coolest people I know are cool because they're totally unafraid to let their dork flag fly. I'd much rather hang out with someone who shows genuine joy for something unfashionable than someone who shows affected enthusiasm for whatever the zeitgeist currently deems appropriate.
posted by ixohoxi at 12:58 PM on January 27, 2011 [5 favorites]
Following trends, buying things to impress others, manufacturing an image—none of that makes a person cool. (In my opinion, it makes a person distinctly uncool.)
True coolness means that you go wherever your true heart leads you, however mundane or eccentric or trendy or unfashionable that may be, and laugh at anyone who tries to make you feel bad about yourself because of it. It means being comfortable in your own skin, and unconcerned with the judgments of others. Basing your behavior and dress on other's opinions (whether you're aiming to give a certain impression, or to avoid giving a certain impression) isn't coolness; it's insecurity.
This is why "coolness" (in the trendy, self-conscious, conspicuous sense) is so important to teens and twentysomethings: youth is an insecure time for a lot of people. People generally become less concerned with being "cool" as they get older because they learn to accept that they aren't rock stars, revolutionaries, or fashion magnates—and don't need to be to be good, fulfilled, productive, well liked people.
Trying to be cool is the surest way to be uncool. Pursuing your genuine passions, in the manner that's most honest and comfortable and meaningful for you, is the surest way to be cool. The coolest people I know are cool because they're totally unafraid to let their dork flag fly. I'd much rather hang out with someone who shows genuine joy for something unfashionable than someone who shows affected enthusiasm for whatever the zeitgeist currently deems appropriate.
posted by ixohoxi at 12:58 PM on January 27, 2011 [5 favorites]
You said you "despise" cool, which strikes me as an excellent first step toward the real thing, which is to be post-hip. I've noticed that the definition of cool has grown shallower and shallower over the past couple of decades, and it now appears to denote a whole bunch of superficial attributes, most of them purchased, few of them intrinsic or earned. There are good suggestions above, I think, and most of them reflect my favorite quote from Clifton Chennier (possibly misspelled, sorry), the late King of Zydeco, who said: "Whatever you is, be dat."
posted by fivesavagepalms at 1:03 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by fivesavagepalms at 1:03 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've noticed that the definition of cool has grown shallower and shallower over the past couple of decades, and it now appears to denote a whole bunch of superficial attributes, most of them purchased, few of them intrinsic or earned.
THIS!!!
posted by Knowyournuts at 1:11 PM on January 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
THIS!!!
posted by Knowyournuts at 1:11 PM on January 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Following trends, buying things to impress others, manufacturing an image—none of that makes a person cool.
I don't think there's anything wrong with following trends, as long as you're following them because YOU honestly like whatever it is. If fisherman sweaters or postpunk or cupcakes or elaborate mustaches are "cool" right now, and you happen to like any of those things and want to participate, great! You can't really ask for anything better than that in pop culture terms.
The fear of following trends, or of being perceived as a "follower" in any way, is how you got where you are now.
posted by Sara C. at 1:13 PM on January 27, 2011
I don't think there's anything wrong with following trends, as long as you're following them because YOU honestly like whatever it is. If fisherman sweaters or postpunk or cupcakes or elaborate mustaches are "cool" right now, and you happen to like any of those things and want to participate, great! You can't really ask for anything better than that in pop culture terms.
The fear of following trends, or of being perceived as a "follower" in any way, is how you got where you are now.
posted by Sara C. at 1:13 PM on January 27, 2011
I think of trying to be cool as the proverbial albatross around my neck. I have found the freedom associated with just being whatever the hell I am to be quite amazing. Perhaps you can too, if you're willing to just be yourself.
This is so, so true. You will find so much freedom and relief in simply opting out of the entire construct of cool/not cool. At the first level, you'll free yourself from spending money on consuming goods you don't need and may not even truly want. But more deeply, you'll free yourself from spending energy and emotions creating a facade that's not reflective of the far more essential qualities that make you who you are.
Don't worry about the trinkets of personality (a nice turn of phrase that someone said in the notorious Fedora Guy thread a few years ago) and what they might or might not be signifying to someone else. Pursue what you care about, do what you enjoy, cultivate the deeper qualities that matter to you.
posted by scody at 1:35 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is so, so true. You will find so much freedom and relief in simply opting out of the entire construct of cool/not cool. At the first level, you'll free yourself from spending money on consuming goods you don't need and may not even truly want. But more deeply, you'll free yourself from spending energy and emotions creating a facade that's not reflective of the far more essential qualities that make you who you are.
Don't worry about the trinkets of personality (a nice turn of phrase that someone said in the notorious Fedora Guy thread a few years ago) and what they might or might not be signifying to someone else. Pursue what you care about, do what you enjoy, cultivate the deeper qualities that matter to you.
posted by scody at 1:35 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't think there's anything wrong with following trends, as long as you're following them because YOU honestly like whatever it is.
Agreed. The key thing is being true to yourself.
posted by ixohoxi at 1:40 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Agreed. The key thing is being true to yourself.
posted by ixohoxi at 1:40 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
I believe that if you watch him for a while, and think carefully, you will realize that Columbo is cool. I'm serious. Watch at least a dozen Columbo shows and you'll see what I mean.
Now imagine if Columbo had tried to become James Bond. Then you have to imagine an alternate universe where Columbo was such a genuinely embarrassing, alienating fool that he never got a TV series.
I like this universe better.
posted by tel3path at 1:55 PM on January 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
Now imagine if Columbo had tried to become James Bond. Then you have to imagine an alternate universe where Columbo was such a genuinely embarrassing, alienating fool that he never got a TV series.
I like this universe better.
posted by tel3path at 1:55 PM on January 27, 2011 [4 favorites]
In adulthood, being cool cannot be bought or feigned. Being cool is something some people have and some people don't. You know it when you see it. You just say "Damn, that dude is cool".
Here's my prescription: Don't give a fuck about trivial shit. Do cool shit like: drinking a 40oz of Colt 45 while playing chess; help an old lady across the street; laugh at people who think their cool. Stay poised when the shit hits the fan. That is all.
posted by jasondigitized at 2:38 PM on January 27, 2011
Here's my prescription: Don't give a fuck about trivial shit. Do cool shit like: drinking a 40oz of Colt 45 while playing chess; help an old lady across the street; laugh at people who think their cool. Stay poised when the shit hits the fan. That is all.
posted by jasondigitized at 2:38 PM on January 27, 2011
Sometimes I think that in all of human history, the biggest waste of time, money, and brainspace, has been in the pursuit of "trying to be cool."
O.k. maybe World War Two was a bigger waste, but still.
Just be yourself and do your thing.
posted by freakazoid at 2:39 PM on January 27, 2011
O.k. maybe World War Two was a bigger waste, but still.
Just be yourself and do your thing.
posted by freakazoid at 2:39 PM on January 27, 2011
Best answer: "Be yourself" and "don't care about what other people think of you" are effectively meaningless platitudes; if you tried to actually heed both in ernest, you'd find that they're pretty much paradoxical. People care about what other people think of them. It's a necessary fact of life as a social being, and what's more, even if it were possible to stop caring what other people think of you, it would be entirely irrational to choose to do it. Being "cool" is a form of social capital, and social capital is not only rewarding in its own right, it also opens doors for you and in general makes your life easier. The only people who are truly 100% their own unadulterated selves are the severely autistic. For everyone else, there is no "pure self" that exists independently from how you interact and communicate with your culture and community.
So do yourself a favor, and let yourself off the hook over wanting to be cool. It's natural and unavoidable. I mean, all chimpanzees care about what other members of their communities think about them, and, to my knowledge, no chimp ever let anybody make them feel ashamed about it. That's reserved for people who don't have the confidence to go after what they want, so they make themselves feel better by choosing to believe that they're better for not wanting it. In other words, anyone who says that they don't care about being cool is at that very moment trying to feel more cool.
As for being happy with being yourself -- is that even something you want to aspire to? Why is uncritical self-satisfaction and blind conviction in your own perfection a good thing? A turn of the century Spanish philosopher named Ortega y Gasset saw a dichotomy of people who are uncritically self-satisfied -- the Senorito Satisfecho -- and the superior being who can acknowledge his own improvability. To him, blind conviction in your own perfection is lazy and gross. To want to be cool is to admit our base state is one of ignorance and naivete, and that only through thought and effort can we become the best possible versions of ourselves. It's the "senoritos satisfecho" in us that tells us its bad to want to be cool to justify our own laziness and defensive insecurity.
So strive to be cool. Recognize that styles and trends aren't inherently shallow or bad -- they're part of the inexorable ebb and flow of culture. To blindly reject them all makes you just as much an automaton as to uncritically adopt them all. Participating in society and culture should be an act of communication and expression. Stubbornly refusing to accept the inevitable influence of the social expressions of history and your contemporaries won't improve your own self-expression -- in fact, that kind of willful tone-deafness simply negates its function as an act of communication. The trick is to not just be a dumb receiver of cultural influence, but to be an active contributing participant. Achieving coolness means observing and partaking in what is already by consensus cool and responding with your own take on it, as mediated by your personal sensibility and understanding.
posted by patnasty at 3:06 PM on January 27, 2011 [9 favorites]
So do yourself a favor, and let yourself off the hook over wanting to be cool. It's natural and unavoidable. I mean, all chimpanzees care about what other members of their communities think about them, and, to my knowledge, no chimp ever let anybody make them feel ashamed about it. That's reserved for people who don't have the confidence to go after what they want, so they make themselves feel better by choosing to believe that they're better for not wanting it. In other words, anyone who says that they don't care about being cool is at that very moment trying to feel more cool.
As for being happy with being yourself -- is that even something you want to aspire to? Why is uncritical self-satisfaction and blind conviction in your own perfection a good thing? A turn of the century Spanish philosopher named Ortega y Gasset saw a dichotomy of people who are uncritically self-satisfied -- the Senorito Satisfecho -- and the superior being who can acknowledge his own improvability. To him, blind conviction in your own perfection is lazy and gross. To want to be cool is to admit our base state is one of ignorance and naivete, and that only through thought and effort can we become the best possible versions of ourselves. It's the "senoritos satisfecho" in us that tells us its bad to want to be cool to justify our own laziness and defensive insecurity.
So strive to be cool. Recognize that styles and trends aren't inherently shallow or bad -- they're part of the inexorable ebb and flow of culture. To blindly reject them all makes you just as much an automaton as to uncritically adopt them all. Participating in society and culture should be an act of communication and expression. Stubbornly refusing to accept the inevitable influence of the social expressions of history and your contemporaries won't improve your own self-expression -- in fact, that kind of willful tone-deafness simply negates its function as an act of communication. The trick is to not just be a dumb receiver of cultural influence, but to be an active contributing participant. Achieving coolness means observing and partaking in what is already by consensus cool and responding with your own take on it, as mediated by your personal sensibility and understanding.
posted by patnasty at 3:06 PM on January 27, 2011 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: I was trying to be myself. But I guess I thought that being myself meant stripping away everything that made me feel good and unique and interesting, because those things couldn't possibly be authentic things about me. Not surprisingly, there's not much to like about myself when all those layers are gone. I don't know what on earth made me think that was the right way to be authentic. Oops.
Thanks for the free therapy. Reading these answers made me cry with relief, which tells me some of you really helped me to understand what was going on here. Seriously, thanks :)
posted by kitcat at 3:15 PM on January 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Thanks for the free therapy. Reading these answers made me cry with relief, which tells me some of you really helped me to understand what was going on here. Seriously, thanks :)
posted by kitcat at 3:15 PM on January 27, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: patnasty reminds me of another contributing factor, though. I don't really believe in an essential self - this is what years of postmodern and deconstructionist theory can do to you.
posted by kitcat at 3:19 PM on January 27, 2011
posted by kitcat at 3:19 PM on January 27, 2011
I agree with patnasty, but your replies are revealing. Outside of the cool-tokens there's not much to like? And no essential you apart from them?
I'm not going to tell you you're wrong, per se, but I remember when I was struggling with life and trying to get my first job, and a friend said, "even if you don't get it you're still tel3path." I visualizes what that meant: even if I don't get the job I'll still be a ghostly miasma of tears with a freezing wind blowing through it. I was not comforted.
The only thing I can think is that you might be feeling dissatisfied and unable to cope on a more fundamental level. Maybe some therapy would help you incorporate yourself.
posted by tel3path at 4:17 PM on January 27, 2011
I'm not going to tell you you're wrong, per se, but I remember when I was struggling with life and trying to get my first job, and a friend said, "even if you don't get it you're still tel3path." I visualizes what that meant: even if I don't get the job I'll still be a ghostly miasma of tears with a freezing wind blowing through it. I was not comforted.
The only thing I can think is that you might be feeling dissatisfied and unable to cope on a more fundamental level. Maybe some therapy would help you incorporate yourself.
posted by tel3path at 4:17 PM on January 27, 2011
If I can figure out a person by looking at them, I can guarantee that I'm not likely to want to know more. Nose ring, wacky hair, artful costume-- this stuff matters so little to me. How people act and interact with others makes them intriguing, not outward signifiers.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:59 PM on January 27, 2011
posted by Ideefixe at 4:59 PM on January 27, 2011
People care about what other people think of them. It's a necessary fact of life as a social being, and what's more, even if it were possible to stop caring what other people think of you, it would be entirely irrational to choose to do it.
I mean, in terms of the notion that you should brush your teeth and wear a suit to job interviews? And if you must vote for Ron Paul, at least keep it to yourself so people won't think you're a moron? Sure.
But we have interests and tastes in things, and it actually is pretty important to just be yourself about stuff like that. Don't get into Animal Collective because it's what "The Cool Kids" like, but also don't force yourself to only buy Dave Matthews Band records because you don't want people to think you're Trying To Be Cool. Listen to what you like. Who cares what anyone else thinks? There are no consequences for that sort of thing.
posted by Sara C. at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2011
I mean, in terms of the notion that you should brush your teeth and wear a suit to job interviews? And if you must vote for Ron Paul, at least keep it to yourself so people won't think you're a moron? Sure.
But we have interests and tastes in things, and it actually is pretty important to just be yourself about stuff like that. Don't get into Animal Collective because it's what "The Cool Kids" like, but also don't force yourself to only buy Dave Matthews Band records because you don't want people to think you're Trying To Be Cool. Listen to what you like. Who cares what anyone else thinks? There are no consequences for that sort of thing.
posted by Sara C. at 5:24 PM on January 27, 2011
Best answer: To go off on a slight tangent prompted by your latest updates, may I recommend the book (Regardless of What You Were Taught to Believe) There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate by American Zen teacher Cheri Huber? It might be very helpful to you in helping to recognize your authentic self and to recognize that the critical voices (the ones saying "you're a poser" or "nobody likes you, they're just fooled by your facade" or anything like that) are not an accurate reflection of reality. Cheri's writings and other teachings have been really fundamental for me in becoming content with who I am and coming to like myself.
(Sometimes I worry that I post about Cheri's work too much, but when something has helped you go from suicidally depressed to basically content and often outright happy, you want to tell people about it.)
posted by Lexica at 5:47 PM on January 27, 2011
(Sometimes I worry that I post about Cheri's work too much, but when something has helped you go from suicidally depressed to basically content and often outright happy, you want to tell people about it.)
posted by Lexica at 5:47 PM on January 27, 2011
When my brother took his girlfriend to prom, I was prepared. I had dug up an old family photo that showed my brother, aged 15 months, clad in only a diaper, sitting in a hole he had dug in the beach that was half full of water. I proudly paraded that photo out with the express intention of embarrassing the hell out of him. I handed it over. . . and. . . wait for it. . .
. . . my brother handed it back, looked me straight in the eye, and said "Man, I was so cool. I mean, I was in a hole."
I learned a large amount about being cool that day.
posted by KathrynT at 5:49 PM on January 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
. . . my brother handed it back, looked me straight in the eye, and said "Man, I was so cool. I mean, I was in a hole."
I learned a large amount about being cool that day.
posted by KathrynT at 5:49 PM on January 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I don't really believe in an essential self - this is what years of postmodern and deconstructionist theory can do to you.
Read more Wittgenstein, then. It doesn't matter whether we have an essential self or not; we just have to keep going about our business the best we can. (And if a lion could speak, we would not understand him!)
Do what you feel is right, and what makes you happy. This is not easy, but it's simple.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:08 PM on January 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
Read more Wittgenstein, then. It doesn't matter whether we have an essential self or not; we just have to keep going about our business the best we can. (And if a lion could speak, we would not understand him!)
Do what you feel is right, and what makes you happy. This is not easy, but it's simple.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:08 PM on January 27, 2011 [3 favorites]
But we have interests and tastes in things, and it actually is pretty important to just be yourself about stuff like that. Don't get into Animal Collective because it's what "The Cool Kids" like, but also don't force yourself to only buy Dave Matthews Band records because you don't want people to think you're Trying To Be Cool. Listen to what you like. Who cares what anyone else thinks? There are no consequences for that sort of thing.
Wait, do you really believe that one's taste in music isn't by and large determined by its social context? Do you think it's a coincidence that high school social subcultures tend to break down by musical tastes? Is my earnest teenage ardor for the Pixies, Sonic Youth or Sebadoh somehow cheapened or tainted because, in retrospect, my fandom was predetermined by my ready self-identification as 'alternative' or 'indie' or whatever it was I called it back then, by the fact that whatever it was that the happy preppy kids were listening to, I was going to listen to something else? Was Beatlemania and the whole British Invasion one giant act of poser-dome?
To my eyes, it seems much more likely that our tastes don't emanate from some ineffable "self," but rather, are fungible placeholders based on a million social and cultural cues, all tied into how we want to envision of ourselves?
I'm not embarrassed by the fact that back in high school, I truly thought that I loved my music because it was part of who I am, man... but i don't need to pretend anymore that, given the right set of circumstances, I could have ended up listening to just about anything and liking it. (Except for Animal Collective. That shit's just annoying.)
posted by patnasty at 7:32 PM on January 27, 2011
Wait, do you really believe that one's taste in music isn't by and large determined by its social context? Do you think it's a coincidence that high school social subcultures tend to break down by musical tastes? Is my earnest teenage ardor for the Pixies, Sonic Youth or Sebadoh somehow cheapened or tainted because, in retrospect, my fandom was predetermined by my ready self-identification as 'alternative' or 'indie' or whatever it was I called it back then, by the fact that whatever it was that the happy preppy kids were listening to, I was going to listen to something else? Was Beatlemania and the whole British Invasion one giant act of poser-dome?
To my eyes, it seems much more likely that our tastes don't emanate from some ineffable "self," but rather, are fungible placeholders based on a million social and cultural cues, all tied into how we want to envision of ourselves?
I'm not embarrassed by the fact that back in high school, I truly thought that I loved my music because it was part of who I am, man... but i don't need to pretend anymore that, given the right set of circumstances, I could have ended up listening to just about anything and liking it. (Except for Animal Collective. That shit's just annoying.)
posted by patnasty at 7:32 PM on January 27, 2011
do you really believe that one's taste in music isn't by and large determined by its social context?
I don't know about that, but I know that I like what I like. A lot of the time, I like things generally considered to be uncool among my peers (country, earnest 1960's folk, Neil Diamond, classical). And other times, I don't like bands universally acknowledged as cool by my peers (No Age, Spoon, Yo La Tengo). I don't really care, either.
I don't think anybody's "fandom" is "cheapened" by anything - just, if you don't actually like something, you shouldn't pretend to. I personally dislike the Pixies and Sonic Youth even though they were formative bands for most of my friends. Who cares?
I would hope that if you are a fan of Sebadoh (or whoever), you like them because you actually enjoy listening to their music, not because it's what your friends listen to, or because of what subculture you were part of in high school.
I could never have liked Dave Matthews Band, or Tool, or Christina Aguilera - I just don't enjoy listening to those artists. Subculture has a little to do with it.
If you don't get this, you're not ready to give a meaningful answer to the OP's question.
posted by Sara C. at 7:43 PM on January 27, 2011
I don't know about that, but I know that I like what I like. A lot of the time, I like things generally considered to be uncool among my peers (country, earnest 1960's folk, Neil Diamond, classical). And other times, I don't like bands universally acknowledged as cool by my peers (No Age, Spoon, Yo La Tengo). I don't really care, either.
I don't think anybody's "fandom" is "cheapened" by anything - just, if you don't actually like something, you shouldn't pretend to. I personally dislike the Pixies and Sonic Youth even though they were formative bands for most of my friends. Who cares?
I would hope that if you are a fan of Sebadoh (or whoever), you like them because you actually enjoy listening to their music, not because it's what your friends listen to, or because of what subculture you were part of in high school.
I could never have liked Dave Matthews Band, or Tool, or Christina Aguilera - I just don't enjoy listening to those artists. Subculture has a little to do with it.
If you don't get this, you're not ready to give a meaningful answer to the OP's question.
posted by Sara C. at 7:43 PM on January 27, 2011
I despise cool
"Despising" cool is no different at all in my mind than worshipping cool. It has always seemed to me that the people who do both these things place equal (extremely high) importance on coolness and worship it, just the former group thinks they can't attain it.
If you're always going to be despising cool and obsessing about how much you don't care about it or can demonstrate that you don't care about it, you might as well go ahead and try be cool because it's the same thing.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:02 PM on January 27, 2011
"Despising" cool is no different at all in my mind than worshipping cool. It has always seemed to me that the people who do both these things place equal (extremely high) importance on coolness and worship it, just the former group thinks they can't attain it.
If you're always going to be despising cool and obsessing about how much you don't care about it or can demonstrate that you don't care about it, you might as well go ahead and try be cool because it's the same thing.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:02 PM on January 27, 2011
This seems like a silly thing because it's a page on the website of a zine press and so on, but I was really struck by the description here of Microcosm Press's ideology.
Develop and refine your ideology and everything else follows from that. So much of what seems "cool"-and-deep is about people living their ideologies, whether it's a music scene or bike messengers or seed bombers or Habitat builders or even Columbo.
posted by mendel at 8:36 PM on January 27, 2011
Develop and refine your ideology and everything else follows from that. So much of what seems "cool"-and-deep is about people living their ideologies, whether it's a music scene or bike messengers or seed bombers or Habitat builders or even Columbo.
posted by mendel at 8:36 PM on January 27, 2011
I don't really believe in an essential self - this is what years of postmodern and deconstructionist theory can do to you.
Just had to chime in to point out that this obliterates any notion of "authenticity" or "inauthenticity" - if there is no essential self, then there's nothing to be "authentic" to, and therefore no need to try to strip away those perceived "inauthenticities".
A glass-half-empty person might think "OH NOES I can never be authentic!" but if you're familiar with your deconstructionist theory, this is precisely an example of its practical application: deconstructing the (illusory) binary authentic-inauthentic opposition, so that such issues simply cease to exist.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:43 PM on January 27, 2011
Just had to chime in to point out that this obliterates any notion of "authenticity" or "inauthenticity" - if there is no essential self, then there's nothing to be "authentic" to, and therefore no need to try to strip away those perceived "inauthenticities".
A glass-half-empty person might think "OH NOES I can never be authentic!" but if you're familiar with your deconstructionist theory, this is precisely an example of its practical application: deconstructing the (illusory) binary authentic-inauthentic opposition, so that such issues simply cease to exist.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:43 PM on January 27, 2011
"Be yourself" and "don't care about what other people think of you" are effectively meaningless platitudes;
There's a huge difference between your community having an effect on your interests and changing your interests specifically for your community. Sounds like the OP has spent a great deal of time either specifically trying to attract others or specifically trying to repel them. Yes, we all care what people think of us to a certain extent, but we can't let that determine everything we are.
posted by katillathehun at 8:47 PM on January 27, 2011
There's a huge difference between your community having an effect on your interests and changing your interests specifically for your community. Sounds like the OP has spent a great deal of time either specifically trying to attract others or specifically trying to repel them. Yes, we all care what people think of us to a certain extent, but we can't let that determine everything we are.
posted by katillathehun at 8:47 PM on January 27, 2011
Response by poster: Just had to chime in to point out that this obliterates any notion of "authenticity" or "inauthenticity"
I know. Hence - cognative dissonance. I don't think lit theory ever helped anyone live a happier life.
posted by kitcat at 9:18 PM on January 27, 2011
I know. Hence - cognative dissonance. I don't think lit theory ever helped anyone live a happier life.
posted by kitcat at 9:18 PM on January 27, 2011
Mod note: folks - unless you are the OP, question is not about you. Please take side comments to email, thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:08 PM on January 27, 2011
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:08 PM on January 27, 2011
There's this Calvin and Hobbes strip that changed my outlook on cool at a young age (thank you, Mr. Watterson). In case the link isn't working for you:
---
Calvin: I've decided to stop caring about things. If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you DON'T care, nothing matters, so you're never upset. From now on, my rallying cry is, "SO WHAT?!"
Hobbes: That's a tough cry to rally around.
Calvin: So what?!
---
This helped me immensely. I haven't thought about being cool in probably about 20 years now. Its incredibly relieving to not have to worry about that. Instead I can just focus on being real and enjoying life, which is much nicer, IMHO.
Maybe I'm incredibly uncool, I couldn't really tell you. But I could't care less. So what.
Its hard to not care about anything. Naturally there are still things I care about and that motivate me, but the above serves as a good balancing factor in my life when I become too concerned with stupid shit.
posted by allkindsoftime at 1:16 AM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
---
Calvin: I've decided to stop caring about things. If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you DON'T care, nothing matters, so you're never upset. From now on, my rallying cry is, "SO WHAT?!"
Hobbes: That's a tough cry to rally around.
Calvin: So what?!
---
This helped me immensely. I haven't thought about being cool in probably about 20 years now. Its incredibly relieving to not have to worry about that. Instead I can just focus on being real and enjoying life, which is much nicer, IMHO.
Maybe I'm incredibly uncool, I couldn't really tell you. But I could't care less. So what.
Its hard to not care about anything. Naturally there are still things I care about and that motivate me, but the above serves as a good balancing factor in my life when I become too concerned with stupid shit.
posted by allkindsoftime at 1:16 AM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Umm... don't know if it helps but when I was 5 the only music I would listen to was Abba. Because I accurately perceived that their music was great and, with a few notable exceptions, everybody else's sucked.
Being literally the ONLY Abba fan in town contributed to my outcast state for much of my childhood. This was miserable, but at least I wasn't miserable and listening to bad music. And taking the long view of things, this has only added to the impressive evidence for my cool, the other notable data point being that nearby metal objects become superconducting.
tl;dr it pays to have the courage of your convictions. Hope that makes some kins of sense.
posted by tel3path at 3:57 PM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
Being literally the ONLY Abba fan in town contributed to my outcast state for much of my childhood. This was miserable, but at least I wasn't miserable and listening to bad music. And taking the long view of things, this has only added to the impressive evidence for my cool, the other notable data point being that nearby metal objects become superconducting.
tl;dr it pays to have the courage of your convictions. Hope that makes some kins of sense.
posted by tel3path at 3:57 PM on January 28, 2011 [1 favorite]
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posted by Grither at 12:09 PM on January 27, 2011 [10 favorites]