Exerting your authority
January 1, 2011 5:52 PM Subscribe
How do you exert your authority?
My daughter hired a wedding planner who does not even acknowledge my presence. I need the tact. I need examples i.e. right words.
My daughter hired a wedding planner who does not even acknowledge my presence. I need the tact. I need examples i.e. right words.
Who is the client in this relationship? You, or your daughter? Who made the initial connection to the wedding planner? The wedding planner may presume that the first person he/she spoke to (or the person he/she receives communication from) is the client and the sole decision-maker.
If you should be the client (and should you be?), then you just need to sit down with the wedding planner and re-establish ground rules. Be direct with the rules of the relationship. "I am your client; I will be signing the check. You should not do anything without my approval."
Wedding planners deal with the "who's driving the bus" question all the time. They like to hear it all coming from one voice.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:03 PM on January 1, 2011
If you should be the client (and should you be?), then you just need to sit down with the wedding planner and re-establish ground rules. Be direct with the rules of the relationship. "I am your client; I will be signing the check. You should not do anything without my approval."
Wedding planners deal with the "who's driving the bus" question all the time. They like to hear it all coming from one voice.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:03 PM on January 1, 2011
You might want to determine if the conflict is between you and the planner or you and your daughter. I would have a conversation with the daughter first, determine the role you'll be playing, and then whoever is writing the check should clarify that with the planner.
posted by HuronBob at 6:04 PM on January 1, 2011
posted by HuronBob at 6:04 PM on January 1, 2011
This isn't where *you* assert your authority. If you're actually the one the wedding planner needs to speak to, your daughter needs to make that clear to the planner--"Oh, you know, I really just can't be bothered about the details, but this means so much to my mother--can you work with her to figure out what's best?"
Please note that this will only work if your daughter is, in fact, happy to have you running the show. If she's not, then the tact you will need is not in exerting your authority, but in stepping back and offering your daughter the support that she asks for...without trying to take over or make it all about you.
If you're footing the bill for the wedding and that's contingent upon being heavily involved in the planning stages, it sounds like you might need to sit down with your daughter and hash that out--what, exactly, counts as involved, and where you're drawing the line with regards to cutting funding if the two of you disagree on how things should go.
posted by MeghanC at 6:33 PM on January 1, 2011 [10 favorites]
Please note that this will only work if your daughter is, in fact, happy to have you running the show. If she's not, then the tact you will need is not in exerting your authority, but in stepping back and offering your daughter the support that she asks for...without trying to take over or make it all about you.
If you're footing the bill for the wedding and that's contingent upon being heavily involved in the planning stages, it sounds like you might need to sit down with your daughter and hash that out--what, exactly, counts as involved, and where you're drawing the line with regards to cutting funding if the two of you disagree on how things should go.
posted by MeghanC at 6:33 PM on January 1, 2011 [10 favorites]
Not acknowledging your presence? Do you mean that literally? That's just rude. Your daughter should insist that the planner treat you with respect. Regardless of who is paying the bill for this wedding, that should not be tolerated.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:02 PM on January 1, 2011
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:02 PM on January 1, 2011
Agreed with ThatCanadianGirl that it's important to know if you mean this literally. If you mean "not acknowledging your authority," then that hinges on whether you have authority (or, as everyone else noted, should, since it's your daughter's wedding). If you mean "does not acknowledge your existence," then that is extremely rude and you're asking a different question than people have understood it -- something more like, "How do I make this person treat me with basic human decency?"
posted by J. Wilson at 7:07 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 7:07 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Exerting authority" sounds like you want to be making the decisions about how your daughter's wedding goes. I agree with previous commenters that this is not your place, and you will have a happier relationship with your daughter as she moves into her married life if you let her do it her way.
(The exception would be, ex., if you're giving her $X on the assumption that she will invite Y number of your friends, and then she takes a venue that will only accommodate Y-20 people. Then you take it up with your daughter, not the planner. Funding a wedding contingent on, say, using your chosen religious venue as the site, is just setting yourself up for years of not being involved in your daughter's life anymore.)
But OP, it's possible that we are misreading you, and that you don't want to plan your daughter's wedding for her, but instead you want to be a part of the fun and special moments leading up to your daughter's big day. This is something to take up with your daughter, for her to in turn take to the planner. I would suggest such language as:
"I don't want to be a bother, but I've always looked forward to sharing this special time with you. Do you mind telling the planner to..." keep me in the loop/inviting me to the florist and fittings/whatever specific activities you have your heart set on.
Depending on your relationship with your daughter, it might go better if you make it clear that you want to feel involved, but you are aware that you aren't the decisionmaker.
posted by Andrhia at 7:12 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
(The exception would be, ex., if you're giving her $X on the assumption that she will invite Y number of your friends, and then she takes a venue that will only accommodate Y-20 people. Then you take it up with your daughter, not the planner. Funding a wedding contingent on, say, using your chosen religious venue as the site, is just setting yourself up for years of not being involved in your daughter's life anymore.)
But OP, it's possible that we are misreading you, and that you don't want to plan your daughter's wedding for her, but instead you want to be a part of the fun and special moments leading up to your daughter's big day. This is something to take up with your daughter, for her to in turn take to the planner. I would suggest such language as:
"I don't want to be a bother, but I've always looked forward to sharing this special time with you. Do you mind telling the planner to..." keep me in the loop/inviting me to the florist and fittings/whatever specific activities you have your heart set on.
Depending on your relationship with your daughter, it might go better if you make it clear that you want to feel involved, but you are aware that you aren't the decisionmaker.
posted by Andrhia at 7:12 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Why do you want the wedding planner to acknowledge you? I ask because this is not your wedding, it's your daughter's and her fiance' wedding.
I can only think of 2 scenarios:
#1 - daughter told planner that you are too involved or overbearing and asked the planner to put her first (and she should be first, anyway.)
#2 -planner has had some bad experiences with overbearing parents getting too involved, but also lacks tact. planner is trying to avoid a conflict with client, but doing that in a graceless manner where you are concerned.
I think it is telling that you are asking the question here instead of discussing this with your daughter. I also think it is telling that most other answers assume you are the one paying for the wedding, but I imagine that can't be the case if you have found yourself in this position.
Weddings sometimes bring out the worst in people. If your daughter is happy overall with the planning process, then I advise you to let her enjoy her day and let this go.
posted by jbenben at 7:14 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can only think of 2 scenarios:
#1 - daughter told planner that you are too involved or overbearing and asked the planner to put her first (and she should be first, anyway.)
#2 -planner has had some bad experiences with overbearing parents getting too involved, but also lacks tact. planner is trying to avoid a conflict with client, but doing that in a graceless manner where you are concerned.
I think it is telling that you are asking the question here instead of discussing this with your daughter. I also think it is telling that most other answers assume you are the one paying for the wedding, but I imagine that can't be the case if you have found yourself in this position.
Weddings sometimes bring out the worst in people. If your daughter is happy overall with the planning process, then I advise you to let her enjoy her day and let this go.
posted by jbenben at 7:14 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There are many times when a stakeholder or individual who believes they are a stakeholder is ignored by a decision maker or advisor. They brush you off and ignore you. This really isn't about you and your daughter, it's you and the wedding planner. The planner has one view of your role, and you have another. You could risk total bridezilla mom-daughter warfare by gong to your daughter, so I actually think that's a terrible idea. You should create an opportunity to he alone with the planner and negotiate terms. What leverage do you have? What leverage does the planner know about? You could for example find a moment after a cake tasting to have a private chat. During this chat you must assert your role. Establish a relationship of trust, fear, or friendship. These will then motivate the target to include you as a stakeholder and treat you with respect. Given the fact that it's a wedding planner and you'll never see this person again I'd go with fear. Trust will take too pong and friendship seems unlkely. Do you really want to hear from this person again after the wedding. The only mitigating facto would if the planner is freinds with the bride, then I'd go with trust. Unless you really can't stand to be thought of as that horrible mother of the client I had for the n. wedding thank god that is over.
A fear based negotiation would require that you have some financial or alternate leverage over the planner. For example if you control the budget, you could say. I think you should understand that I have final say over the budget for this wedding. So you better make sure Ive signed off on each expense. At which point they might counter, but don't you want your daughter to be happy. You then must state with your most stern face of old Victorian mother/matron, "Planner, my daughter is getting married. Her happiness will be her husbands concern. I want you to understand the importance of MY happiness. I set the budget and approve the expenses. I'm not going to be sitting down to a bridge club with my sister Jane and have to listen to her prattle on about the shrimp cocktail for the next 10 years, or the place settings. Do we have an understanding? Excellent now I think it's best we keep this conversation between the two of us.
They might threaten to quit on you, but call their bluff. You've got to be strong and unflappable.
posted by humanfont at 7:56 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
A fear based negotiation would require that you have some financial or alternate leverage over the planner. For example if you control the budget, you could say. I think you should understand that I have final say over the budget for this wedding. So you better make sure Ive signed off on each expense. At which point they might counter, but don't you want your daughter to be happy. You then must state with your most stern face of old Victorian mother/matron, "Planner, my daughter is getting married. Her happiness will be her husbands concern. I want you to understand the importance of MY happiness. I set the budget and approve the expenses. I'm not going to be sitting down to a bridge club with my sister Jane and have to listen to her prattle on about the shrimp cocktail for the next 10 years, or the place settings. Do we have an understanding? Excellent now I think it's best we keep this conversation between the two of us.
They might threaten to quit on you, but call their bluff. You've got to be strong and unflappable.
posted by humanfont at 7:56 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Figure out what the rules are, tell your daughter, and have her communicate them to the wedding planner. Threaten to fire the wedding planner (or withhold funding to your daughter) if these rules are not followed.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:08 PM on January 1, 2011
posted by KokuRyu at 8:08 PM on January 1, 2011
It's pretty simple, really. If you have any authority at all*, that authority has a source. It derives from something. Most likely, in this situation, it would derive from you paying the bills and being willing to not pay for your daughter's wedding if she doesn't allow you to live vicariously through her and do the planning yourself.
To exert that authority, simply tell the wedding planner what you want and why you have the authority to demand it.
The safer route is to route your suggestions, requests, and demands through your daughter.
* - It may well be that you actually have no authority here and, as it is your daughter's wedding (not yours), her happiness (not yours) is what should be given first priority. If you're not footing the bill, this is almost certainly the case. If you are footing the bill and you go all mom-zilla, you should be prepared for begrudging acquiescence from your daughter combined with temporary or permanent resentment to one degree or another, coupled with the knowledge that she will complain about your overbearing meddling in the planning to anyone who will listen.
posted by toomuchpete at 8:24 PM on January 1, 2011
To exert that authority, simply tell the wedding planner what you want and why you have the authority to demand it.
The safer route is to route your suggestions, requests, and demands through your daughter.
* - It may well be that you actually have no authority here and, as it is your daughter's wedding (not yours), her happiness (not yours) is what should be given first priority. If you're not footing the bill, this is almost certainly the case. If you are footing the bill and you go all mom-zilla, you should be prepared for begrudging acquiescence from your daughter combined with temporary or permanent resentment to one degree or another, coupled with the knowledge that she will complain about your overbearing meddling in the planning to anyone who will listen.
posted by toomuchpete at 8:24 PM on January 1, 2011
In order to exert authority, one must first HAVE authority.
We need more details.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:36 PM on January 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
We need more details.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:36 PM on January 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
What is your authority here? Once you can articulate that, then you'll know how to explain it the planner. Are you the decision maker? Are you the purchaser? Or are you an interested party who does not have decision making authority? What is your role relative to groom's parents or the groom? You need to have this conversation with the couple. Then you can give the planner direction. It will be as simple as saying, "Ms. Planner, my role is X. Consult me on decisions regarding (table settings, flowers, invitations..)."
It's entirely possible that the planner and your daughter have already discussed your role. It's a pretty common issue that wedding planners deal with on nearly every wedding. The planner likely asked the bride and groom how they wanted to deal with other family members during wedding planning.
posted by 26.2 at 9:59 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's entirely possible that the planner and your daughter have already discussed your role. It's a pretty common issue that wedding planners deal with on nearly every wedding. The planner likely asked the bride and groom how they wanted to deal with other family members during wedding planning.
posted by 26.2 at 9:59 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
page123: My daughter hired a wedding planner who does not even acknowledge my presence.
Perhaps that is part of the wedding planner's actual, identified job: "ignore my mother." It is possible the issue here is not with you and the wedding planner but you and your daughter. You might start addressing this there.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:25 AM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
Perhaps that is part of the wedding planner's actual, identified job: "ignore my mother." It is possible the issue here is not with you and the wedding planner but you and your daughter. You might start addressing this there.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:25 AM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
Be quiet calm, listen, and speak up when you have a strong opinion. Wedding planner will take cues from your daughter.
posted by Mom at 7:08 PM on January 2, 2011
posted by Mom at 7:08 PM on January 2, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:00 PM on January 1, 2011 [3 favorites]