Should I say something in this situation?
December 17, 2010 9:58 PM Subscribe
Should I tell my Ex that he should inform future girlfriends that he has Hepatitis B before they have sex?
I'm going to be sending my Ex a book sometime next week (The Zombie Survival Guide, if you're interested :)) and I was thinking that maybe I should tell him that it's not acceptable to sleep with someone without protection when you have a transferable virus that could kill someone.
On the other hand, the chances of that happening are very slim since there's routine vaccination.
I found out when the nurse came over to his house because she had no up to date contact details (or something like that) and did the blood test then. This was after a year of dating. We started having sex after three weeks in to the relationship. We were both virgins. I didn't really feel too bad when I found out. A bit nervous, but the nurse told me that I would have likely been vaccines and even if I caught it, most people would only have it temporarily.
I've had no contact with him (except for a text congratulating me on graduating, which is when I asked if he still wanted the book) and have no desire to after I send the book to him.
I don't particularly want to do this, but I think I should...? If I should tell him, what should I write? I'm pretty terrible at these kind of things. I was thinking something along the lines of:
Ex,
It's probably a good idea to tell your future girlfriend about your Hepatitis B. Most people probably aren't going to react the way I did.
... I'm actually not too sure how most people would react to this, but looking at a few past AskMes, it seems to be the consensus that you should tell people of your issues before you have sex with them? Thoughts?
I'm going to be sending my Ex a book sometime next week (The Zombie Survival Guide, if you're interested :)) and I was thinking that maybe I should tell him that it's not acceptable to sleep with someone without protection when you have a transferable virus that could kill someone.
On the other hand, the chances of that happening are very slim since there's routine vaccination.
I found out when the nurse came over to his house because she had no up to date contact details (or something like that) and did the blood test then. This was after a year of dating. We started having sex after three weeks in to the relationship. We were both virgins. I didn't really feel too bad when I found out. A bit nervous, but the nurse told me that I would have likely been vaccines and even if I caught it, most people would only have it temporarily.
I've had no contact with him (except for a text congratulating me on graduating, which is when I asked if he still wanted the book) and have no desire to after I send the book to him.
I don't particularly want to do this, but I think I should...? If I should tell him, what should I write? I'm pretty terrible at these kind of things. I was thinking something along the lines of:
Ex,
It's probably a good idea to tell your future girlfriend about your Hepatitis B. Most people probably aren't going to react the way I did.
... I'm actually not too sure how most people would react to this, but looking at a few past AskMes, it seems to be the consensus that you should tell people of your issues before you have sex with them? Thoughts?
I think you should tell him too, but I'm curious to know why he wouldn't already understand that he needs to tell his future partners about this?
posted by biochemist at 10:05 PM on December 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by biochemist at 10:05 PM on December 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: biochemist: I think probably because he didn't want to be judged and didn't want to jeopardise his chances of getting laid? I think he just took the easy way out.
posted by moomootown at 10:10 PM on December 17, 2010
posted by moomootown at 10:10 PM on December 17, 2010
I think if you still like him you should tell him out of affection.
I think if you hate him, you should tell him for the good fun.
I think if the response is the same whether it's based on love or hate, you should do it. Love and hate don't agree too often.
posted by oreofuchi at 10:12 PM on December 17, 2010 [8 favorites]
I think if you hate him, you should tell him for the good fun.
I think if the response is the same whether it's based on love or hate, you should do it. Love and hate don't agree too often.
posted by oreofuchi at 10:12 PM on December 17, 2010 [8 favorites]
If you have to do both, I think you should send the message first, send the book later.
posted by amethysts at 10:12 PM on December 17, 2010
posted by amethysts at 10:12 PM on December 17, 2010
Yes, if only for your own peace of mind. The nurse thought this info was worth breaking professional privacy ethics to share with you. He needs to take responsibility. Cut out the wishy washy "probably" and "most people" wording, though. These kinds of revelations are hard and awkward, but that's the tradeoff we pay for having sexual partners.
posted by Skwirl at 10:15 PM on December 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Skwirl at 10:15 PM on December 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you think he's planning to take the easy way out to get laid (and possibly infect future partners), I don't think that a letter from you is going to make him do the decent thing.
posted by jouir at 10:26 PM on December 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by jouir at 10:26 PM on December 17, 2010 [4 favorites]
Should I tell my Ex that he should
No. The answer to any question that starts with this is no. He's your ex; you shouldn't "should" him. And talking to him about how to run his future sex life? That's not a subject for you to tackle.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:31 PM on December 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
No. The answer to any question that starts with this is no. He's your ex; you shouldn't "should" him. And talking to him about how to run his future sex life? That's not a subject for you to tackle.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:31 PM on December 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Do you believe that your ex is unaware of his moral obligation to get informed consent from his sex partners, and that his obligation entails telling them about communicable diseases he has?
If you think that he doesn't know that he should tell future partners, by all means, let him know that he should tell. If, however, you think that he does know that most people would think he should tell, but that he might not tell because he doesn't want to or doesn't believe he is so obligated, telling him that you think he should isn't going to do any good and is likely butting in where you don't belong.
And whatever you decide to do, don't combine a lecture with a gift. It's both impolite and less likely to be effective.
posted by decathecting at 10:37 PM on December 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you think that he doesn't know that he should tell future partners, by all means, let him know that he should tell. If, however, you think that he does know that most people would think he should tell, but that he might not tell because he doesn't want to or doesn't believe he is so obligated, telling him that you think he should isn't going to do any good and is likely butting in where you don't belong.
And whatever you decide to do, don't combine a lecture with a gift. It's both impolite and less likely to be effective.
posted by decathecting at 10:37 PM on December 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you have reason to think that he's being, or would be, irresponsible, then sure. Send him a note, or a pamphlet, or something small and polite.
But that's all you should do. Wipe your hands of it. He's your ex now, and he's not your responsibility.
posted by auto-correct at 10:37 PM on December 17, 2010
But that's all you should do. Wipe your hands of it. He's your ex now, and he's not your responsibility.
posted by auto-correct at 10:37 PM on December 17, 2010
He's your ex. He doesn't care what you think. You're spending way more time and energy on wondering about this than he ever will on any message you might include with the book. He's probably cleared the infection, for all you know, like most healthy adults.
Having said that, why do you assume that his girlfriends won't ask about any sexually transmitted diseases? After all, he's not a virgin anymore and it's unlikely that anyone will want unprotected sex with him before he gets tested anyway.
posted by halogen at 10:39 PM on December 17, 2010
Having said that, why do you assume that his girlfriends won't ask about any sexually transmitted diseases? After all, he's not a virgin anymore and it's unlikely that anyone will want unprotected sex with him before he gets tested anyway.
posted by halogen at 10:39 PM on December 17, 2010
...don't combine a lecture with a gift.
I disagree. He's your ex. Include it in the book dedication if you want. Again, if he wants to lie to future partners, your opinion won't matter.
posted by halogen at 10:41 PM on December 17, 2010
I disagree. He's your ex. Include it in the book dedication if you want. Again, if he wants to lie to future partners, your opinion won't matter.
posted by halogen at 10:41 PM on December 17, 2010
Best answer: He's your ex. It is not like you are risking the relationship. I would tell him. What's the risk, that he breaks up with you or never speaks to you again? Did that already. I would simply write him a line that says, "I strongly believe you have an ethical obligation to tell any potential sex partners before you have sex with them that you have Hep B. You would really regret it if you didn't say something and later found out a partner had gotten sick or worse died from not taking easy precautions when she fucked him.
posted by AugustWest at 10:42 PM on December 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 10:42 PM on December 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
It's not just a moral obligation on his part - it could well be a legal one. Not sure where you live, but in my home state (NSW, Australia): "A person who knows they have a sexually transmissible medical condition is guilty of an offence if he or she has sexual intercourse with another person unless, before intercourse takes place, the other person has been informed of and voluntarily accepts the risk of contracting the sexually transmissible medical condition."
If it is illegal to do this where you live, I would give him a heads-up, wrapped in a concerned don't-want-you-to-face-criminal-charges vibe. (Personally, I'd also tell him not to be a jackass for the sake of getting laid, but that's just me.)
posted by jaynewould at 11:26 PM on December 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
If it is illegal to do this where you live, I would give him a heads-up, wrapped in a concerned don't-want-you-to-face-criminal-charges vibe. (Personally, I'd also tell him not to be a jackass for the sake of getting laid, but that's just me.)
posted by jaynewould at 11:26 PM on December 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
It seems weird to combine the two things.
Yes, if you think he actually doesn't know that this is a potential problem for other people, then you should send him the relevant information about his responsibility to let people know about his Hepatitis B status. There are people in the world who don't have access to "routine vaccinations" for various reasons, so yeah, it's something he should discuss with future partners.
On the other hand, "here's a gift and also here's information you need to share with future sex partners, you jackass" isn't likely to give either message its full weight.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:44 PM on December 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes, if you think he actually doesn't know that this is a potential problem for other people, then you should send him the relevant information about his responsibility to let people know about his Hepatitis B status. There are people in the world who don't have access to "routine vaccinations" for various reasons, so yeah, it's something he should discuss with future partners.
On the other hand, "here's a gift and also here's information you need to share with future sex partners, you jackass" isn't likely to give either message its full weight.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:44 PM on December 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: he has a moral and ethical responsibility to tell people he could be putting their lives at risk, whether he knows that or accepts that or not. Tell him. if he is NOT telling people (and he didn't tell YOU)...a private sexual life is a privilege of adulthood, sure. but he ain't behaving as an adult, he is not acting responsibly about the right of his partners to full disclosure; he doesn't have the right to privacy.
He might not want to be reminded of his obligations to the people he's sleeping with, but if I was one of those girls, I'd be happier if his ex told him he should disclose.
The fact that you're enclosing this note in a book about zombies is a bit troubling though...do you intend for it to come off as crass or cruel? He's probably none-too-thrilled about having hep B, and comparing him to zombies could insult him, and probably put him off your message of transparency and disclosure. People with chronic STIs are people too, and there's certainly no reason to suggest that if he disclose his status to a future partner, she won't still sleep with him. if he's being a jackass in order to get laid, maybe he needs to know that NOT being a jackass won't necessarily NOT get him laid.
unless the book gift is somehow a non sequitur.....i still think it sounds tasteless....
posted by custard heart at 12:30 AM on December 18, 2010
He might not want to be reminded of his obligations to the people he's sleeping with, but if I was one of those girls, I'd be happier if his ex told him he should disclose.
The fact that you're enclosing this note in a book about zombies is a bit troubling though...do you intend for it to come off as crass or cruel? He's probably none-too-thrilled about having hep B, and comparing him to zombies could insult him, and probably put him off your message of transparency and disclosure. People with chronic STIs are people too, and there's certainly no reason to suggest that if he disclose his status to a future partner, she won't still sleep with him. if he's being a jackass in order to get laid, maybe he needs to know that NOT being a jackass won't necessarily NOT get him laid.
unless the book gift is somehow a non sequitur.....i still think it sounds tasteless....
posted by custard heart at 12:30 AM on December 18, 2010
Response by poster: custard heart: The book was bought before we broke up because I knew he liked zombies, so I don't think he would read too much into it. (Yes, the book title is probably not too relevant, but I thought it was kind of funny in light of what I'm thinking of saying.)
The reason I'm combining the two is because I don't intend to contact him ever again.
And just to clarify, he got Hep B from his mother and nobody realised either of them had it until it had become permanent. Not sure if they could even have done anything about it back then.
Interesting discussion. I'm leaning towards saying something because this doesn't just involve him and the consequence could be devastating. I don't know if my note will do anything, but I don't hate the guy and I just want him to know that my reaction is probably not typical and he should bear that in mind.
posted by moomootown at 1:50 AM on December 18, 2010
The reason I'm combining the two is because I don't intend to contact him ever again.
And just to clarify, he got Hep B from his mother and nobody realised either of them had it until it had become permanent. Not sure if they could even have done anything about it back then.
Interesting discussion. I'm leaning towards saying something because this doesn't just involve him and the consequence could be devastating. I don't know if my note will do anything, but I don't hate the guy and I just want him to know that my reaction is probably not typical and he should bear that in mind.
posted by moomootown at 1:50 AM on December 18, 2010
I feel like there's some context missing. Why are you sending a gift to him if you never want to speak to him again? Did he know about his infection before the blood test? Did he try to hide it from you, or did he find out when you did? Having sex without having been tested for STDs is maybe not the most responsible thing in the world (though many people make the assumption, as you two likely did, that it's safe for two virgins), but it's a far, far, far cry from willfully not disclosing. Do you really think there's a chance that he wouldn't, based on knowing him? If so, do you think that "other people might not take it so well" is going to change his behavior? Because if not, this seems like more of a final "Fuck you" to an ex than genuine good intentions.
posted by kagredon at 2:13 AM on December 18, 2010
posted by kagredon at 2:13 AM on December 18, 2010
Not everyone is vaccinated - I have no immunity against hep B and I would be pissed beyond belief if someone I slept with had it and didn't tell me. That is NOT something you wait for a person to ask about, even though they should.
posted by geek anachronism at 3:05 AM on December 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by geek anachronism at 3:05 AM on December 18, 2010 [2 favorites]
He can't tell people if he doesn't know. In an ideal world, people would ask about these sorts of things before they had sex with people, and people would get themselves tested before they had sex with other people. This isn't an ideal world, though.
What is the worst thing that can happen because you told him?
posted by Solomon at 4:52 AM on December 18, 2010
What is the worst thing that can happen because you told him?
posted by Solomon at 4:52 AM on December 18, 2010
Seconding not everyone is vaccinated. I'm only 27 and I was never vaccinated against it, which means in my area it wasn't available because my mom sure as hell would've done it if she could. And I didn't know I was unvaccinated until I went back to undergrad full time.
I think it's possible to just tell him in a nice way that yeah, you need to value your sex partner enough to tell them. He seems young, stupid, and inexperienced, but that isn't an excuse to possibly make someone sick, or worse.
posted by kpht at 5:47 AM on December 18, 2010
I think it's possible to just tell him in a nice way that yeah, you need to value your sex partner enough to tell them. He seems young, stupid, and inexperienced, but that isn't an excuse to possibly make someone sick, or worse.
posted by kpht at 5:47 AM on December 18, 2010
Not sure if they could even have done anything about it back then.
Nothing can be done about it now either. Your body either clears the infection and you develop an immunity to the virus, or you go on to become a chronic carrier.
I'm not sure what purpose it would serve by telling him he should disclose this to future partners. If you think about it unless he's sharing needles he got it from having unprotected sex, I'm sure he's pissed off that he wasn't told beforehand too. Is it going to matter when he's all hot in bothered wanting to get into someone else's pants? Ultimately, I suspect his sense of decency, obligation and, respect for the other person is what will matter in the end not a handwritten note saying he should tell.
posted by squeak at 9:22 AM on December 18, 2010
Nothing can be done about it now either. Your body either clears the infection and you develop an immunity to the virus, or you go on to become a chronic carrier.
I'm not sure what purpose it would serve by telling him he should disclose this to future partners. If you think about it unless he's sharing needles he got it from having unprotected sex, I'm sure he's pissed off that he wasn't told beforehand too. Is it going to matter when he's all hot in bothered wanting to get into someone else's pants? Ultimately, I suspect his sense of decency, obligation and, respect for the other person is what will matter in the end not a handwritten note saying he should tell.
posted by squeak at 9:22 AM on December 18, 2010
Response by poster: kagredon: I bought the book for him when I was overseas studying. I wasn't planning on giving it to him, actually, but since he texted and it wasn't a big deal... It wasn't a terrible breakup, but it's over and I don't feel like there's any need to maintain contact after this.
posted by moomootown at 10:34 AM on December 18, 2010
posted by moomootown at 10:34 AM on December 18, 2010
I think probably because he didn't want to be judged and didn't want to jeopardise his chances of getting laid? I think he just took the easy way out.
you telling him he should disclose isn't going to change any of that. you can't make him tell new partners. tips from exes usually fall on deaf ears. i also wonder why you didn't say all this either at the time or at the break up.
and i agree with the other posters that including it with the book seems like a giant fuck you - great if that's what you're looking for, not so great if you're not looking for that. from here, it sort of seems like you're just looking to twist the knife.
posted by nadawi at 10:44 AM on December 18, 2010
you telling him he should disclose isn't going to change any of that. you can't make him tell new partners. tips from exes usually fall on deaf ears. i also wonder why you didn't say all this either at the time or at the break up.
and i agree with the other posters that including it with the book seems like a giant fuck you - great if that's what you're looking for, not so great if you're not looking for that. from here, it sort of seems like you're just looking to twist the knife.
posted by nadawi at 10:44 AM on December 18, 2010
I'd also like to point out that even if you're asking about STIs before you have sex with someone, Hep B isn't necessarily likely to come up. A lot of people in Canada were vaccinated as children, but some weren't. Also, it is possible for the vaccine to wear off, so even someone who thinks they are protected might not be. he might just think everyone but him is totally immune.
but I'd say it makes for an even more dangerous disease, as if someone goes to the doctor and gets tested for STDs they are probably not going to be tested for Hep B and it could go unnoticed until it really started to be a problem.
posted by custard heart at 10:44 AM on December 18, 2010
but I'd say it makes for an even more dangerous disease, as if someone goes to the doctor and gets tested for STDs they are probably not going to be tested for Hep B and it could go unnoticed until it really started to be a problem.
posted by custard heart at 10:44 AM on December 18, 2010
In Zombie Survival Guide, isn't zombie-ness transmitted by a virus? If only for that reason, I agree with custard heart that combining the gift and the STI talk is probably gratuitous.
But yeah, definitely tell him.
posted by the_bone at 12:32 PM on December 18, 2010
But yeah, definitely tell him.
posted by the_bone at 12:32 PM on December 18, 2010
Response by poster: i also wonder why you didn't say all this either at the time or at the break up.
nadawi: Because for whatever reason, I wasn't that upset about it at the time. After we broke up, I was cataloguing all the reasons he suck and I remembered this. While the other stuff I can forget about and chalk it up as a bad experience, I think this is a bit different because his future partners have a right to know. This isn't just something that's confined to our relationship.
Maybe I'll reconsider sending it with the book though.
posted by moomootown at 3:20 PM on December 18, 2010
nadawi: Because for whatever reason, I wasn't that upset about it at the time. After we broke up, I was cataloguing all the reasons he suck and I remembered this. While the other stuff I can forget about and chalk it up as a bad experience, I think this is a bit different because his future partners have a right to know. This isn't just something that's confined to our relationship.
Maybe I'll reconsider sending it with the book though.
posted by moomootown at 3:20 PM on December 18, 2010
Yes, tell him. You have nothing to lose by doing so.
posted by Lobster Garden at 4:56 PM on December 18, 2010
posted by Lobster Garden at 4:56 PM on December 18, 2010
I second the "don't assume everyone got vaccinated, he needs to tell" thing. That said, I think that's a conversation one should probably have at least over the phone, NOT dropped in as a note with a zombie book (somehow I think the two combined are gonna get him offended, or at least give him a weird idea of "what, I'm going to kill them with my cooties?"). A note can be easily ignored if he doesn't want to deal with it.
Though I don't think you should send an ex a present even if you bought it before, to be honest. Done is done and he shouldn't be getting gifts from you any more, you know?
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:49 PM on December 18, 2010
Though I don't think you should send an ex a present even if you bought it before, to be honest. Done is done and he shouldn't be getting gifts from you any more, you know?
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:49 PM on December 18, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Foam Pants at 10:01 PM on December 17, 2010 [8 favorites]