Always crashing in the same car

December 16, 2010 8:01 PM

How can I forget an old friend of mine?

I have an old friend, let's call her Mary. I haven't spoken to her in almost 8 years. I am early 30s if that gives you an idea of the timeline. We were very close for a few years and had a platonic friendship but there was a lot of love between us. In some ways she was the closest friend I  have ever had besides my wife. We would spend everyday together and practically lived together at times. 

In a lot of ways we were very good for each other. In other ways though we were absolutely terrible for each other. For example, we did a lot of hard drugs together. Like way too many drugs. At some point, the drinking and drugs really started to catch up to me and I think it was possible Mary started to develop feelings for me that I couldn't reciprocate. I sort of needed to break away from this friendship as it had turned unhealthy, mostly because of the drugs. 

At around that time, I met my wife. Our relationship developed fast and she helped me sober up. Mary wasn't to happy about any of it and things became confrontational. We stopped talking after some drug fueled drama she made. I loved her but I couldn't help her. At any rate, she calls me a few months after that but she still was pretty confrontational and passive aggressive. I told her I couldn't see us being friends anymore. That was about 7 years ago and it's the last I have heard from her. 

I still miss her quite a bit and I want to move on but I still think about her all the time. At one point I emailed her but the email bounced. I can't contact her through facebook, although I am not blocked. 

I mean at this point I'd like to either forget her or talk to her. I have no idea if she'd like to talk to me. I suspect she doesn't miss me as much as I miss her. The only way I could reach her is that I am an acquaintance with someone she knows. But I don't know what to say. "Hey, can you send my email to someone you know I knew 10 years ago but probably hates me." I'd love to do that but can't think of a way that's not creepy or weird. 

Barring that option, I'd just love to forget her. Honestly after 8 years it's worse than ever. I think about her a lot. I don't have romantic feelings for her, and I have been sober for ages so it's not that either. I'd just love to catch up and remember some times we had. I know it has less to do with her than me, but I'd just like to either speak with her again or be able to move on and not think about her on a semi-regular basis.

Any suggestions?  

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total)

You have a wife and want to reconnect with a female you had feelings for and you thought loved you? The only thing this will get you is a divorce. Move on (and fix whatever problem in your marriage is making you seek out someone from your past).
posted by MsKim at 8:21 PM on December 16, 2010 [11 favorites]

I think MsKim is right. Also, I think a lot of people never stop thinking about the people they connected with in their young and crazy days, even when that person wasn't healthy for them. God knows I do. And maybe the reason you've been thinking about her more lately is because you're at the age when the nostalgia bug hits. I just turned 30 and I'm starting to come down with its fever. I don't think you should contact her unless your wife is okay with it. Otherwise, just embrace the fact that you'll always think about her, and that's okay. She shared a big part of your life with you.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 8:33 PM on December 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

there are platonic friendships and there are relationships without sex. you were using her attraction to you to perpetuate a pseudo-relationship. most people don't want to hear from the guy who left them for another woman -- and is still with her. leave her alone and focus on what's missing in your marriage
posted by pinafore at 8:42 PM on December 16, 2010 [6 favorites]

"I'd just love to catch up and remember some times we had." This doesn't sound like that. This sounds like you're ready to run. I'm with MsKim here.

Can you maybe talk to your wife about your desire to re-connect with this friend? Get a feel for how she feels about it? Nostalgia is one thing, but you seem to want to be chasing down something that no longer exists.
posted by Gilbert at 8:43 PM on December 16, 2010

I don't know about what everyone else here is saying, just because your friend was a girl. I have a couple of friends who fall into sort of this same category, both male and female and I really don't think that the desire to have them back has anything to do with sexual longing or romantic fantasies or escape.

That said, I've written several letters to these friends and then trashed them without sending. I think that's for the best. What I could get by reconnecting now is not what I had then and it's not going to be whatever it is I think I want now. The future holds things so much more amazing than the past. Look in that direction.
posted by 256 at 8:59 PM on December 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Perhaps Mary just represented something in your life that you miss. Even if things are great with your wife, maybe you just need more adventure or less predictability. Figure out what Mary brought and how to attain that without hurting anyone else in process, or without bringing passive-aggressive Mary back into the picture.
posted by msk1985 at 9:01 PM on December 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

How would your wife feel about this?

And I don't mean "how would she feel if she knew you contacted this person?" but "how would she feel if she read this post, knew it was you, and knew how you felt? what would she want you to do then?"

That answers your question.

If she's okay, then go for it. But, as I suppose, she wouldn't be... well, then, that's your answer too.

And I say this as, probably, the most sympathetic person you will find to your situation on MetaFilter. Make these relationships same sex and slightly less platonic I have a Mary. He was my best friend in one of the hardest part of my life. He's done more for me than anyone who I don't still have in my life on a regular basis. And I miss him every day. Somedays I miss him painfully.

But he's gone.

And that's good.

I'm happy. I can guess he's happy.* And if he's not, you know what, we made a decision long ago that taking care of each other wasn't either of our problems. We found new partners for that.

For the most part, it's wonderful.

But as our relationship goes, it sucks.

Hard.

I still dream about him.

Sometimes many nights in a row.

But he's not a part of my life anymore. And I know that's for the best. Because consciously, soberly, that's the decision I've made. He's a great wonderful guy. I'm a great wonderful guy. But together we were a motherfucking train wreck.

Maybe that's not your situation. But it sure sounds familiar.

Sometimes, when my day to day life seems pretty mundane, that particular track seems more attractive. Fortunately, I've never gone back down it. I suggest choose the same.

Best of luck.

* I can do more than guess that he's happy because here in 2010, you can do a whole lot to figure out how someone is doing in their life without actually contacting them. Some people would call it stalking; I prefer to call it checking in one someone you love without actually breaking down barriers that are better left kept up.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:28 PM on December 16, 2010 [14 favorites]

This is going to sound sarcastic, but maybe it's a sublimatic longing for the drugs?
posted by madred at 9:31 PM on December 16, 2010 [3 favorites]

I think that she is probably the one person that you can talk to about a time in your life that is very important to you, that you feel shaped you and has affected you ever since. You feel that it's important enough that if its not acknowledged somehow your life is the lesser for it and shes the only one you can talk to about it since most people in their 30s don't discuss past drug use. The fact that she's of the opposite sex is incidental, although your wife might not see it that way.

If you're starting to obsess a bit about that time in your life it's probably a good idea to check into your sobriety because that seems to me the kind of thinking people get into before they fall off the wagon.
posted by fshgrl at 10:09 PM on December 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

I realize that I wasn't clear about my latter part of my comment. What I meant by it was that if any part of your urge to contact your Mary is because you are curious to how she has turned out, there are plenty of ways of doing so without actually contacting her. Yes, this is totally creepy 99% of the time -- but this time is the 1%.

Since that's true, don't let your possible concern for her well-being fool you into thinking it's something it's not.

Also, I don't think there's a Mary=sublimating for drugs thing going on for you. Because that's not true for me. So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. (Even if folks here won't.) Unless you shouldn't and they are right. In which case, breathe. And figure out what to do next. Hint: not drugs.

And I say this as someone who is still pretty pro-drugs
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:23 PM on December 16, 2010

>The only way I could reach her is that I am an acquaintance with someone she knows.
>But I don't know what to say. "Hey, can you send my email to someone you know I
>knew 10 years ago but probably hates me." I'd love to do that but can't think of a way
>that's not creepy or weird.

Hi there, acquaintance!

I got thinking about Mary the other day and was thinking I might like to catch up with her. Could you give her my email address and tell her I'd love to hear from her?

Thanks,

Anonymous

------------------

You'll either hear from Mary or you won't.

If you do hear from her you probably want to keep your wife in the loop. The situation has the potential to look bad.

-------------------

As far as forgetting her is concerned, you'll always have memories of her. However, the person you remember doesn't exist anywhere in the present -- think about how you've changed in 8 years. The Mary you find may remember some of the same events as you do, but that's about it.

So by all means keep your memory, but keep it in perspective as well.
 
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:49 PM on December 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

To you, it must feel as if your friend has died since your last (not-so-friendly) interaction. Consider reading material or watching films regarding loss and death, and using that as a segue for thinking about how you can process this loss of friendship.
posted by samthemander at 11:41 PM on December 16, 2010

Ouch. Im just going through that now, and it's difficult. You can't force yourself to stop missing someone, or wondering how they're doing, especially if you cared about them deeply.

Internet stalking might help, but it might also make it worse, because it doesnt tell you *that much* about them. In some ways it just feeds the desire to know whats going in their lives.

I do agree that in some ways, lost friends should be considered dead. Im finding that i came to terms with my friends absence in my life *right now* relatively easily, but part of me is still expecting us to be friends again in the future. I think coming to terms with the fact that they are gone, actually gone, dont expect them to come back gone is hard but something to aim for.

Or, hell yes, just ask the acquaintance to pass your email address on to Mary and see what comes of it. But if nothing does? Consider her gone.
posted by stillnocturnal at 1:52 AM on December 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

You left your friendship and pseudorelationship with Mary for your wife, whom you're stilll with. Would it help you stop fantasizing about recontacting her if you realized that she probably doesn't want to hear from you? Don't be selfish -- just suck it up and deal with the fact that your past is something you remember.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:40 AM on December 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

This is a stretch, but. Are you a bit bored right now? A bit self-conscious of being, well, square? Stable relationship, probably a decent job -- maybe you're a respectable member of the community but starting to feel a bit like a sheeple?

The way out of that (if that is the case), and to forgetting about Mary, is to seek out the better parts of your new niche and immerse yourself in them. For me, this mostly means buying a lot of theatre/ballet/concert tickets. Find something that is exciting for you but which does not require risking arrest &c and enjoy.
posted by kmennie at 4:50 AM on December 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

I don't subscribe to the Chicken Little attitude that there's something weird and wrong with wondering about your old friend and obviously you must have problems in your marriage because OMG you were once close with a person of the opposite sex and still miss them.

I think it's like what other people have suggested - that she represented something in your life that you miss. I think it's more important to pin that down than to actually pin her whereabouts down. Perhaps you are also still grappling with the lack of closure - I would also suggest learning to come to peace with the fact that sometimes, it's all on you. You're in control of whatever emotions are still banging around inside your head in connection with her and that time in your life.

Even if you DO get in touch with her and she is not against talking to you, remember she is not the same person you knew and that, in fact, you might be left even more disquieted by your renewed connection. Because as it stands now, she's caught in amber. She will always be the person she was, and to rekindle a friendship may very well upset the memories you have of her and of that time in your life. Of course, maybe that's what you want.
posted by Windigo at 5:48 AM on December 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

I agree with Windigo. I think your explanation can be taken at face value and I don't think it's at all suspicious that you would miss a friend who was a huge part of your life and with whom you parted on bad terms.

I also don't think it's "stalking" to seek out information that somebody has deliberately placed about themselves in the public domain. In this case, I think it's due diligence if you are seriously considering holding out an olive branch towards her.

What I do think you should ask yourself is what you really hope to get out of contacting her. How do you think the conversation would go, if you had one? Would you leave the conversation feeling better or worse? Would she? Is there any possibility that you have dark motives? Supposing you think your goal is to find out how she's doing. Well, suppose the best-case scenario happened, you had that conversation and found out that she was doing really well and you talked over old times and walked away with a rosy glow in your heart. And then what? Would that be enough for you?

Basically the biggest dangers here are that a) you will be an unwelcome intrusion into whatever life she has carved out for herself or that b) you get what you thought you wanted, but it turns out that wasn't actually what you did want.

I also strongly suggest talking this over with your wife. This will protect you in case you are being your own worst enemy here. If you can't talk this over with your wife, you know your motives aren't good.

I really don't know if you'll be able to "forget" someone who was that important to you, or stop missing them. I just don't think human thoughts and emotions work that way. If you do something with the aim of distracting yourself, you'll most likely fail. I do however suggest that you think through where your actions and curiosity are leading you (and your friend and your wife), and ask yourself whether they're leading you (all) towards or away from a more fulfilling life.
posted by tel3path at 6:06 AM on December 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

I know it has less to do with her than me,

Explore this. What's going on with you right now that's got you nostalgic and rose-colored about your self-destructive years? Would reconnecting with Mary & dredging up her old hurts be fair to her if it's really about you?
posted by headnsouth at 6:16 AM on December 17, 2010

I agree with tel3path and Windigo. Keep your wife in the loop, but talk to the acquaintance. Be honest that your mission for reconnection is kind of crazy.

There's not enough love in life to just dismiss any great relationship. And as for forgetting her or reconnecting, it doesn't sound like the former option is a possibility. At least talking to her will end the searching.
posted by Kronur at 6:42 AM on December 17, 2010

What do you hope will happen if you reconnect? Having been on the receiving end of this sort of thing, I've found it painful and needlessly upsetting when people got in touch and were unclear what they wanted. (Unclear with me, but probably with themselves as well.) This goes for former friends and romantic partners. The level at which you are involved now can be very confusing because you were once very, very involved, and now you are not at all. And you don't know where she is in her life; she may be in a very vulnerable place and you wind up reminding her of something she considers a serious loss. I mean, think about what this could do to her in return for what possible payback for you.
posted by BibiRose at 7:05 AM on December 17, 2010 [1 favorite]