Oh, Brother
December 10, 2010 8:13 AM Subscribe
Advice on sibling matters, please.
I have a younger unemployed brother who graduated college a few months ago. Though he does occasionally send out resumes to look for work, he seems quite content to spend most of his time drinking, partying, and living it up. He has skipped a couple of rare job interviews to possibly decent jobs because he had "important things" to do (basically more partying.)
He lives with my parents, who give him virtually no responsibilities. (The responsibilities he has, like walking the dog or doing dishes, he either conveniently "forgets" or makes excuses not to do.) They are sick of his behavior, but apparently not enough because they continue to give him a sizable allowance (enough for gas, food, plane and road trips across the country, and alcohol.)
I've told my parents to stop giving him so much money, but they can't seem to bring themselves to do this. He has said he knows he should change, but you know...words are words.
Anybody had experience with something like this? Should I just acknowledge this is out of my hands? Is there anything I can even do, when my parents seem convinced he needs a decent chunk of money every month?
I don't even want to try to discuss this with him because I know I'll just be the fifth or sixth person who will have tried, and he will simply ignore.
I have a younger unemployed brother who graduated college a few months ago. Though he does occasionally send out resumes to look for work, he seems quite content to spend most of his time drinking, partying, and living it up. He has skipped a couple of rare job interviews to possibly decent jobs because he had "important things" to do (basically more partying.)
He lives with my parents, who give him virtually no responsibilities. (The responsibilities he has, like walking the dog or doing dishes, he either conveniently "forgets" or makes excuses not to do.) They are sick of his behavior, but apparently not enough because they continue to give him a sizable allowance (enough for gas, food, plane and road trips across the country, and alcohol.)
I've told my parents to stop giving him so much money, but they can't seem to bring themselves to do this. He has said he knows he should change, but you know...words are words.
Anybody had experience with something like this? Should I just acknowledge this is out of my hands? Is there anything I can even do, when my parents seem convinced he needs a decent chunk of money every month?
I don't even want to try to discuss this with him because I know I'll just be the fifth or sixth person who will have tried, and he will simply ignore.
It sounds like he needs some tough love....from your parents.
If your angst over this is coming from your parents complaining to you and wringing their hands, then you should set boundaries with them. Say, "I hear you and I agree, but until you start doing something like charging him rent or kicking him out, I don't want to hear about it."
It sucks to watch, but other than set a good example and give good advice when it's requested, you've got to let him make his own way (even if it is just making his way back to the couch with a beer and doritos.)
posted by motsque at 8:23 AM on December 10, 2010 [8 favorites]
If your angst over this is coming from your parents complaining to you and wringing their hands, then you should set boundaries with them. Say, "I hear you and I agree, but until you start doing something like charging him rent or kicking him out, I don't want to hear about it."
It sucks to watch, but other than set a good example and give good advice when it's requested, you've got to let him make his own way (even if it is just making his way back to the couch with a beer and doritos.)
posted by motsque at 8:23 AM on December 10, 2010 [8 favorites]
Not only is it not any of your business, there's nothing you actually can do. Short of hiring your brother, or sending out resumes for him. Your parents and your brother are adults.
My guess is that if you press the issue, or complain to your parents, they will keep giving him money but stop telling you about it.
posted by Nixy at 8:24 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
My guess is that if you press the issue, or complain to your parents, they will keep giving him money but stop telling you about it.
posted by Nixy at 8:24 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
It really is out of your hands. Your parents should know better, and maybe they will listen to reason eventually, but it will probably be more convincing when it comes from someone besides you.
This situation could resolve itself in 5 months or 5 years, it is a potentially limitless source of aggravation for you if you decide to remain involved. I say discuss it with him once, and then surrender him to himself.
posted by hermitosis at 8:27 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
This situation could resolve itself in 5 months or 5 years, it is a potentially limitless source of aggravation for you if you decide to remain involved. I say discuss it with him once, and then surrender him to himself.
posted by hermitosis at 8:27 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
If there's nothing illegal or abusive going on, there's not much you can do. Garden-variety moochiness and laziness are maddening, especially when it's your family member, but the only ones who can DO anything are your parents and/or brother.
Set boundaries so that if your parents come to you to complain, you can (gently) suggest that they must be the ones to do something about it. Ditto if your brother does any whining about his jobless state - though here you can be tougher along the lines of "Cowboy up and get a lousy temp job or barista job or labor job if that's what it takes, and THEN you can complain."
Otherwise, be loving, but detached, and do NOT take this burden on yourself to solve. One can rarely solve the problems of competent adults without their permission and active participation.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:29 AM on December 10, 2010
Set boundaries so that if your parents come to you to complain, you can (gently) suggest that they must be the ones to do something about it. Ditto if your brother does any whining about his jobless state - though here you can be tougher along the lines of "Cowboy up and get a lousy temp job or barista job or labor job if that's what it takes, and THEN you can complain."
Otherwise, be loving, but detached, and do NOT take this burden on yourself to solve. One can rarely solve the problems of competent adults without their permission and active participation.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:29 AM on December 10, 2010
This is out of your hands. Your parents will eventually get sick of it, or they won't, but it is their money to give away and their house to allow people to live in. If your brother mentions things to you, be realistic and supportive of whatever efforts he makes. Otherwise, just leave it the hell alone -- the only thing you can do is make all the family relationships tense(r).
posted by jeather at 8:30 AM on December 10, 2010
posted by jeather at 8:30 AM on December 10, 2010
I am assuming that your brother is not ill and not abusive. If either or both of these are true, then my answer would be entirely different.
posted by jeather at 8:33 AM on December 10, 2010
posted by jeather at 8:33 AM on December 10, 2010
If you're the responsible sibling, you may feel jealous of the fact that your parents are subsidizing your brother when you got out of school, got a job, got a place, and basically got out of the nest.
It might help to practice feeling grateful you're not your brother. He's going to have to grow up sometime, and, as time passes, that shock of growing up is going to be more and more painful and difficult. I mean, man, I'm glad I'm not him, and I don't even have the money for plane trips cross country!
posted by endless_forms at 8:35 AM on December 10, 2010
It might help to practice feeling grateful you're not your brother. He's going to have to grow up sometime, and, as time passes, that shock of growing up is going to be more and more painful and difficult. I mean, man, I'm glad I'm not him, and I don't even have the money for plane trips cross country!
posted by endless_forms at 8:35 AM on December 10, 2010
On re-reading your question, I notice that it's only been a few months. Maybe he is just burned out and needs some time and your parents are being wise in giving it to him. (They can be sick of his behavior while still feeling he needs some time to get himself together.) Maybe this is the start of a long life of mooching and your parents are being foolish in indulging him. There's nothing you can do either way. But, honestly, with it only having been a few months, I probably wouldn't even start worrying about it for a while yet, and he did graduate college so he at least has SOME drive.
I think you're right that he won't listen to you nagging; maybe you should be the one who believes in him and, if it comes up, says, "Hey, I know you'll get it together when you're ready to. Sometimes it just takes a while." Maybe hearing that his successful, adult-responsibility-having sibling believes in him and doesn't think there's anything wrong with him will help him believe in himself, instead of internalizing the idea that he's a fuck-up and a slacker.
Or perhaps I am too Pollyanna about this by half. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:37 AM on December 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think you're right that he won't listen to you nagging; maybe you should be the one who believes in him and, if it comes up, says, "Hey, I know you'll get it together when you're ready to. Sometimes it just takes a while." Maybe hearing that his successful, adult-responsibility-having sibling believes in him and doesn't think there's anything wrong with him will help him believe in himself, instead of internalizing the idea that he's a fuck-up and a slacker.
Or perhaps I am too Pollyanna about this by half. :)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:37 AM on December 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Should I just acknowledge this is out of my hands?
Pretty much.
Is there anything I can even do, when my parents seem convinced he needs a decent chunk of money every month?
Quietly seethe.
Learning to recognize when something is out of your hands is a good skill to have. Most of us plead for our parents to treat us as adults at some point and the reverse is also true. Their relationship with your brother is their responsibility. His reckoning with adulthood is his responsibility. (Doesn't make it any less annoying, I know. )
posted by A Terrible Llama at 8:39 AM on December 10, 2010
Pretty much.
Is there anything I can even do, when my parents seem convinced he needs a decent chunk of money every month?
Quietly seethe.
Learning to recognize when something is out of your hands is a good skill to have. Most of us plead for our parents to treat us as adults at some point and the reverse is also true. Their relationship with your brother is their responsibility. His reckoning with adulthood is his responsibility. (Doesn't make it any less annoying, I know. )
posted by A Terrible Llama at 8:39 AM on December 10, 2010
Do you have other siblings? If not, how much of this comes from concern over his well-being, and how much from fear that one day, if your parents don't prepare him to live on his own in the real world, he will eventually come to expect the same handouts and babying from you (for example, when your parents pass on)?
Your brother's upbringing is up to your parents and your brother. Only they can help him - your parents by actually changing their behavior, or your brother by claiming responsibility for himself and changing his. However, you are also your parents' child, and if their treatment of him or his actions are negatively impacting on your life or well-being, including mental health, you have the ability to talk to your parents about that. To ask for their help, as their daughter, to make sure that your brother understands that he is not your responsibility, and you won't be saddled with him as such.
posted by Mchelly at 8:42 AM on December 10, 2010
Your brother's upbringing is up to your parents and your brother. Only they can help him - your parents by actually changing their behavior, or your brother by claiming responsibility for himself and changing his. However, you are also your parents' child, and if their treatment of him or his actions are negatively impacting on your life or well-being, including mental health, you have the ability to talk to your parents about that. To ask for their help, as their daughter, to make sure that your brother understands that he is not your responsibility, and you won't be saddled with him as such.
posted by Mchelly at 8:42 AM on December 10, 2010
I agree that it's out of your hands. However, I don't think that means you should never mention it again to your parents. If/when you do broach these waters again with them, the most important thing to emphasize is that they ARE NOT DOING HIM ANY FAVORS. They are instead preventing him from maturing and getting a start on his adult life, with long-term consequences far more damaging than any short-term discomfort from cutting off the gravy train.
My personal experience is with a brother who needs and will continue to need life-long propping up due to serious mental health issues. So, it's a somewhat different situation in that it's not just laziness or immaturity at work. But there are parallels in that my family needs to set boundaries with him so that he has a reason to make his best efforts at functioning within the limits of his illness.
There are also parallels in that from the outside (me, the sibling who lives a thousand miles away), where those boundaries should be seems somewhat clear, but from the inside (the parents and sibling who live in the same town) those same boundaries are vague and difficult to protect from encroachment (and difficult to realize, in fact, when they are being encroached). So, yes, I do share my opinion about these boundary issues with my parents and sibling, even though I know I can't control where they set their boundaries, let along keep my brother from testing them.
posted by SomeTrickPony at 8:46 AM on December 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
My personal experience is with a brother who needs and will continue to need life-long propping up due to serious mental health issues. So, it's a somewhat different situation in that it's not just laziness or immaturity at work. But there are parallels in that my family needs to set boundaries with him so that he has a reason to make his best efforts at functioning within the limits of his illness.
There are also parallels in that from the outside (me, the sibling who lives a thousand miles away), where those boundaries should be seems somewhat clear, but from the inside (the parents and sibling who live in the same town) those same boundaries are vague and difficult to protect from encroachment (and difficult to realize, in fact, when they are being encroached). So, yes, I do share my opinion about these boundary issues with my parents and sibling, even though I know I can't control where they set their boundaries, let along keep my brother from testing them.
posted by SomeTrickPony at 8:46 AM on December 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Nothing you can do, if your parents are complaining and it's doing your head in tell them you totally agree that he needs to get his act together but that you won't discuss it until they start to incentivise him to act more mature and sort himself out...chances are he won't change until he is forced to due to economic constraints once your parents can bring themselves to scrap his allowance and charge him rent...
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:46 AM on December 10, 2010
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:46 AM on December 10, 2010
Just as everything that is unethical is not necessarily ILLEGAL, everything that is wrong/pisses you off is not necessarily something you should - or CAN - do anything to rectify.
(I say this as someone who has been on the planning end of numerous types of failed "interventions" for numerous family members. Seeing someone fuck up their life and the lives of your shared loved ones is INFURIATING. There is very rarely anything one can do about it, however.)
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:13 AM on December 10, 2010
(I say this as someone who has been on the planning end of numerous types of failed "interventions" for numerous family members. Seeing someone fuck up their life and the lives of your shared loved ones is INFURIATING. There is very rarely anything one can do about it, however.)
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:13 AM on December 10, 2010
Put it out of your mind. Ask your parents not to bring the matter into any conversation. If there's nothing you can do anything about, then they shouldn't be burdening you with it the details.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:20 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:20 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Something I've learned to do is to stop expecting people to take my advice, even when my advice is really good. Consider keeping an ear out for things that might be useful to your brother--grad programs, career opportunities, internships, clubs, whatever--and when you feel like it, suggest them to him. "I heard about this company that does XYZ awesome thing, you should think about applying there," and then leave it. Accept that your brother probably won't take your advice.
If you can't offer suggestions without getting frustrated that he doesn't take them, stop discussing his life plans with him. If he asks for advice, just say, "It's frustrating to talk about this stuff with you because you don't follow through. Let's talk after you make some progress on your own towards figuring out what you actually want."
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:25 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you can't offer suggestions without getting frustrated that he doesn't take them, stop discussing his life plans with him. If he asks for advice, just say, "It's frustrating to talk about this stuff with you because you don't follow through. Let's talk after you make some progress on your own towards figuring out what you actually want."
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:25 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Get your parents the book, "The Millionaire Next Door" (and give it a read yourself, if you haven't already). In it, you'll see some stories about parents helping out their kids financially.
Your situation fits the stories in the book perfectly, if there are two siblings, the tendency is for the oldest child to be much more successful and build wealth much more effectively while the younger sibling tends to be a little direction-less. The book's assertion is that the older child is forced to make it on their own since their parents are younger and can't really afford to help out at all. For you, it was sink-or-swim. For your younger sibling, your parents were a little bit more established and secure financially so they are able to help out more and this can create a dependency on that help. If you learn to swim while wearing those inflatable water wings and have always used them, it can REALLY hard to take them off.
I would give them the book after you've read it telling them that is was a really interesting book and not alluding to it having anything to do with your brother (there is a lot more really interesting stuff besides the information relevant to your situation) and hope that they make the connection between what their doing with your brother and the book on their own.
There really isn't much you can do. Objectively, I think your parents should be charging your brother rent but I totally understand the impulse to support him. That is what parents do.
posted by VTX at 10:09 AM on December 10, 2010
Your situation fits the stories in the book perfectly, if there are two siblings, the tendency is for the oldest child to be much more successful and build wealth much more effectively while the younger sibling tends to be a little direction-less. The book's assertion is that the older child is forced to make it on their own since their parents are younger and can't really afford to help out at all. For you, it was sink-or-swim. For your younger sibling, your parents were a little bit more established and secure financially so they are able to help out more and this can create a dependency on that help. If you learn to swim while wearing those inflatable water wings and have always used them, it can REALLY hard to take them off.
I would give them the book after you've read it telling them that is was a really interesting book and not alluding to it having anything to do with your brother (there is a lot more really interesting stuff besides the information relevant to your situation) and hope that they make the connection between what their doing with your brother and the book on their own.
There really isn't much you can do. Objectively, I think your parents should be charging your brother rent but I totally understand the impulse to support him. That is what parents do.
posted by VTX at 10:09 AM on December 10, 2010
...a few months ago? Probably in his early twenties, fresh out of school, kicking back a bit?
Who cares? I mean, this is a fellow who just finished a degree, not a drifter going for his fifth stint in rehab or something. He's not a bum. A little time on the piss is a grand thing for one's twenties. Road trips, excellent! Leave him and your parents alone. Alternatively: relax, and join him on a trip or a pub crawl.
What is the actual issue here? Envy? There is no conceivable way that a few months of loafing after graduation is a genuine problem for you or for him or your parents (you may wish to reflect on their own agency here; they may even be pleased to see him enjoying life -- at any rate it seems clear that they do not share your views), so better to reflect on what the real problem is that led you to post this. Is your own life unusually stressful and devoid of leisure?
My advice for the general "sibling matters" deal here is to shush before you permanently trash your relationship with your brother. This stuff is not your business.
posted by kmennie at 10:34 AM on December 10, 2010
Who cares? I mean, this is a fellow who just finished a degree, not a drifter going for his fifth stint in rehab or something. He's not a bum. A little time on the piss is a grand thing for one's twenties. Road trips, excellent! Leave him and your parents alone. Alternatively: relax, and join him on a trip or a pub crawl.
What is the actual issue here? Envy? There is no conceivable way that a few months of loafing after graduation is a genuine problem for you or for him or your parents (you may wish to reflect on their own agency here; they may even be pleased to see him enjoying life -- at any rate it seems clear that they do not share your views), so better to reflect on what the real problem is that led you to post this. Is your own life unusually stressful and devoid of leisure?
My advice for the general "sibling matters" deal here is to shush before you permanently trash your relationship with your brother. This stuff is not your business.
posted by kmennie at 10:34 AM on December 10, 2010
In my experience, you're wasting your breath with people who do not solicit your advice and even when they ask sometimes you still waste your breath.
The lesson here seems to be for you, rather than your brother. It's that things that have to do with other people are mostly, if not 100% out of your control. So I suggest taking this time to figure out how best to tame your worrying, concerns, and anger. The next part is gaining the patience to wait until an opportunity to assist arises and then rekindle your current willingness to be involved -- for example if your brother ever comes to you and says, "Hey do you know anyone hiring?" then you can contribute in a way that won't be ignored.
Another part of this is that you have a chance to address any resentment you might have that your brother is receiving financial support from your parents. Some siblings have a tough time getting over this especially if they did not receive similar support -- things seem out of balance.
I assure you that taking the time to learn these lessons for yourself will help you out in many future experiences with your family, your coworkers, and people in general.
posted by thorny at 10:58 AM on December 10, 2010
The lesson here seems to be for you, rather than your brother. It's that things that have to do with other people are mostly, if not 100% out of your control. So I suggest taking this time to figure out how best to tame your worrying, concerns, and anger. The next part is gaining the patience to wait until an opportunity to assist arises and then rekindle your current willingness to be involved -- for example if your brother ever comes to you and says, "Hey do you know anyone hiring?" then you can contribute in a way that won't be ignored.
Another part of this is that you have a chance to address any resentment you might have that your brother is receiving financial support from your parents. Some siblings have a tough time getting over this especially if they did not receive similar support -- things seem out of balance.
I assure you that taking the time to learn these lessons for yourself will help you out in many future experiences with your family, your coworkers, and people in general.
posted by thorny at 10:58 AM on December 10, 2010
I have a friend who was in a similar situation. What she did was tell the parents she wanted nothing to do with it anymore, and thus she would not visit them while the brother was still living in the house.
Shortly afterwards they kicked him out (well, they're still sorta supporting him, but he's studying now and living on his own). Correlation is not causation and all that, but my friend is pretty sure this helped them take that step at least.
The difference to your situation seems to be though that the parents here were also aware that the brother really needed a kick up his behind, whereas yours seem to think he needs further support? YMMV.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 11:28 AM on December 10, 2010
Shortly afterwards they kicked him out (well, they're still sorta supporting him, but he's studying now and living on his own). Correlation is not causation and all that, but my friend is pretty sure this helped them take that step at least.
The difference to your situation seems to be though that the parents here were also aware that the brother really needed a kick up his behind, whereas yours seem to think he needs further support? YMMV.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 11:28 AM on December 10, 2010
Nobody suggested that you beat the $#!& out of him? Hmmm...I guess MeFi has a different class of people than other boards.
My real advice is to look at this from the point of view of your parents. If it is a problem for them; if they complain about it to you; or if you want to make one unsolicited offer to them (just one! then drop it) - I would talk about it with them and ask: do THEY want to change the situation?
If so, then you are there to help them figure out a plan and execute it. If it's not bothering them enough to do something about it, then the new rule is that you are out of it and don't want to hear anymore about it.
Then you get to decide: will you still attend holiday visits (pretending that there is no problem. being cordial to parents/brother; avoiding the issue of his life choices) or do you want to use your absence/presence as a bargaining chip to get your parents to change something. That makes a choice of him or me - only you can decide if that would be a good or bad thing in your family.
posted by CathyG at 12:26 PM on December 10, 2010
My real advice is to look at this from the point of view of your parents. If it is a problem for them; if they complain about it to you; or if you want to make one unsolicited offer to them (just one! then drop it) - I would talk about it with them and ask: do THEY want to change the situation?
If so, then you are there to help them figure out a plan and execute it. If it's not bothering them enough to do something about it, then the new rule is that you are out of it and don't want to hear anymore about it.
Then you get to decide: will you still attend holiday visits (pretending that there is no problem. being cordial to parents/brother; avoiding the issue of his life choices) or do you want to use your absence/presence as a bargaining chip to get your parents to change something. That makes a choice of him or me - only you can decide if that would be a good or bad thing in your family.
posted by CathyG at 12:26 PM on December 10, 2010
Whoa. Are you my sister?
In my experience of this situation, I realized the main thing bothering me was major resentment. Why did I have to struggle through my college years spending hours commuting on the subway, living in crappy apartments, eating PB&J for most of my meals, while my brother now receives more than my weekly college food budget every single day and spends most of it on pot and beer? That can really get under your skin. And it's not just now. At every age, my brother has had it a million times easier than I had it.
So, I don't know why the reason this situation with your brother bothers you, but that's the reason why my situation bothered me.
SomeTrickPony nailed it upthread when they said that they are not doing your brother any favors. For my brother, when nothing happened to him as a teenager as he didn't do his homework, skipped school, came home drunk and high, with absolutely ZERO consequences --- he didn't learn how to study. He didn't learn to be a diligent student. He didn't learn discipline. He didn't learn how to get things done that you don't feel like doing. He didn't learn how to have fun as a "grownup" without being drunk or high. He didn't learn how to deal with emotions, stress, or even boredom without being drunk or high.
All of that led to him being in the situation that he is in now, which is the situation that your brother is in now.
And as a result of being in THIS situation --- he's not going to learn to budget. He's not going to learn to manage money/handle money responsibly and save for the things you want and need. He's not going to learn how to live within/beneath his means. He's not going to learn to hold down a job.
And learning isn't even the half of it. You can know how to have a functional life and still have a dysfunctional life, because the more important half, in my opinion, is having good HABITS. Our brothers aren't developing good habits.
So, if you feel resentful, like I did, just remember that our parents are actually doing our brothers a massive disservice. Our brothers are either going to be dependent on our parents forever, which sucks in its own right, or, they're going to struggle through some extremely rough and tumultuous years while they mature and finally learn and get used to good habits.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:10 PM on December 10, 2010
In my experience of this situation, I realized the main thing bothering me was major resentment. Why did I have to struggle through my college years spending hours commuting on the subway, living in crappy apartments, eating PB&J for most of my meals, while my brother now receives more than my weekly college food budget every single day and spends most of it on pot and beer? That can really get under your skin. And it's not just now. At every age, my brother has had it a million times easier than I had it.
So, I don't know why the reason this situation with your brother bothers you, but that's the reason why my situation bothered me.
SomeTrickPony nailed it upthread when they said that they are not doing your brother any favors. For my brother, when nothing happened to him as a teenager as he didn't do his homework, skipped school, came home drunk and high, with absolutely ZERO consequences --- he didn't learn how to study. He didn't learn to be a diligent student. He didn't learn discipline. He didn't learn how to get things done that you don't feel like doing. He didn't learn how to have fun as a "grownup" without being drunk or high. He didn't learn how to deal with emotions, stress, or even boredom without being drunk or high.
All of that led to him being in the situation that he is in now, which is the situation that your brother is in now.
And as a result of being in THIS situation --- he's not going to learn to budget. He's not going to learn to manage money/handle money responsibly and save for the things you want and need. He's not going to learn how to live within/beneath his means. He's not going to learn to hold down a job.
And learning isn't even the half of it. You can know how to have a functional life and still have a dysfunctional life, because the more important half, in my opinion, is having good HABITS. Our brothers aren't developing good habits.
So, if you feel resentful, like I did, just remember that our parents are actually doing our brothers a massive disservice. Our brothers are either going to be dependent on our parents forever, which sucks in its own right, or, they're going to struggle through some extremely rough and tumultuous years while they mature and finally learn and get used to good habits.
posted by Ashley801 at 4:10 PM on December 10, 2010
Mod note: From the OP:
I wanted to let you guys know, thanks for your input. It really isn't resentment I am feeling towards my brother. As some of you guessed, it's more like exasperation because I feel like my parents have always coddled him to some extent and as a result, he has no discernable skills aside from the ability to drink, play video games, and lie to simply get his way, and get by with a string of C's and C-'s to get him through school. Yes, not the worst in the catalogue of human behaviors, but I strongly feel, as many of you have said, my parents' continued coddling of him is to his detriment. It's definitely not jealousy, but a feeling of "jesus, you need to grow up" that underlies my frustration with him. I guess the frustration with him is really unfair...it's really about a dysfunctional relationship (IMHO, anyways) between him and my parents.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:28 PM on December 10, 2010
Incidentally, I have no problem with partying or having a life of leisure! It just seems wrong to me that this he is doing this on my parents' dime, and that he does stuff like feed my parents lies to sometimes get more money ( i.e., saying he needs money to buy clothes for a job interview when it's really for going to bars, nightclubs, etc.). It also seems wrong to me that he fails to follow through on so many of the (seemingly simple) chores they give him.
Anyways, thanks for your comments. They are very helpful and much appreciated.
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by By The Grace of God at 8:16 AM on December 10, 2010 [21 favorites]