how does half a dinner sound?

November 12, 2010 9:40 AM

Wedding gift etiquette question: Should I give a gift certificate to a couple for one person's meal at a restaurant that I know the couple really wants to go to (Komi), or a gift certificate for a meal for two somewhere else, but a place that is not quite as good (Palena)? (DC-specific!)

My best friend just got married. I want to give her and her husband a gift certificate for a really good restaurant dinner, at a place I know they would not usually be able to go. I know they would love to go to Komi, but it's pre-fixe and I can only afford to give a meal for one person; however, that amount would be a whole meal for two at Palena. I have heard Palena is excellent, but I'm not sure if they've been there/want to go, and I know it's not in the same class as Komi. Is it tacky to give them the cost of one person's meal, if it's all I can afford? I think they could afford the cost of one person's meal, but both would be out of their budget. However, I am really not sure if it's tacky/rude to give them something that would then require them spending a significant amount of money in order to enjoy my gift.

Or is Komi overrated and Palena better anyway? Is there somewhere else I should be thinking of?

fwiw, this is someone I've been very close to for a decade; and she and her husband have been exceptionally generous to me in the last year. If I could afford to spend the full amount for a meal for two, I would in a heartbeat, but she would never expect that of me. She is familiar with my financial situation and this gift is coming just from me. I also had to buy plane tickets and a hotel room to attend the wedding.

posted by min to Society & Culture (26 answers total)

However, I am really not sure if it's tacky/rude to give them something that would then require them spending a significant amount of money in order to enjoy my gift.

I don't know about tacky/rude, but I've received such gifts, and they are annoying. I'd go with a gift you can fully fund with your available funds.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:42 AM on November 12, 2010 [5 favorites]

I don't know anything about those restaurants but it just seems weird to give a gift certificate that's only enough for one meal. Choose the less expensive place and make it a dinner for two.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:44 AM on November 12, 2010

Never give a gift that requires the giftee to spend money.
posted by amro at 9:45 AM on November 12, 2010 [11 favorites]

A gift that requires any additional money to be spent in order to enjoy it is a very bad gift indeed. Additionally, a gift for one to celebrate an occasion where two people are joining their lives seems odd. I would absolutely not do this! If you're not certain if they'd like another restaurant, why not give them something else entirely? Are they registered?
posted by pazazygeek at 9:46 AM on November 12, 2010

There's a third option. Find someone else to chip in, and then the two of you can jointly gift a dinner for two at Komi. If that's not practical, then give them the dinner at Palena for all the reasons already mentioned.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:48 AM on November 12, 2010 [8 favorites]

Best answer: I think I've been to Komi (isn't right next to another sushi place? I am easily confused) and was underwhelmed.

That said, a friend gave me a gift certificate for our wedding to a place that was well within our budget but it was still nice to go and be able to be a little liberal with the ordering, could get a bottle of wine, desert, etc. without dipping into our cash. Too bad that restaurant was blech.

And thanks for the reminder to try Palena - still haven't been there.
posted by kat518 at 9:48 AM on November 12, 2010

If I got the half dinner gift from say, a well-off relative, it would be a little weird. If it came from my best friend, who I know isn't in the position to give twice that amount, I'd be grateful for her thoughtfulness, and her ability to finally push me to go to the fancy place I've been dying to go to. Your friend will most likely be getting some monetary gifts that they could apply to the dinner, maybe saving it for their first Valentines or Anniversary.

Do you know anyone else who would be up for giving the couple the other person's dinner? Maybe you can collaborate with them.

Also, as of 2011, it'll be $135 a head.
posted by mrsshotglass at 9:49 AM on November 12, 2010

Buying someone dinner for one as a wedding present just seems really really symbolically out-of-touch.
posted by hermitosis at 9:58 AM on November 12, 2010 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Haven't eaten at Komi, but Palena was pretty great. I think that Faint of Butt provides the best alternative, but I think a gift that requires the recipient to spend money is generally uncouth (though perhaps less so considering it's already been a fairly large financial hit just getting to the wedding).
posted by eggyolk at 10:19 AM on November 12, 2010

Response by poster: Thanks all. Palena it is. I was really torn between practicality (and yes, the obvious weirdness of giving dinner for one as a wedding present) and my desire to help them do something I know they really, really want to do. Your reality check has been helpful. (I will note it was her brother that suggested I give them one meal at Komi when I asked his advice!)
posted by min at 10:21 AM on November 12, 2010

Best answer: Honestly, while it would normally be tacky to give a gift that required a person to spend money, I think that in your case the Komi gift certificate is more meaningful. I mean you KNOW they want to go there, and you are trying to help them. The gift certificate to some other random restaurant seems less thoughtful, like you just got them a gift certificate to any random restaurant without thinking about who they are (I don't think you did this, it's just how it comes across to me). So I'd give the 1 meal to Komi if I was in your position.
posted by katers890 at 10:30 AM on November 12, 2010

Another solution: Do you know other friends of this couple? Can you perhaps do a joint gift and buy them both dinner at Komi, splitting the cost between two or more people?
posted by Loto at 10:42 AM on November 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I am giving Katers890 a best for being the most understanding of my intentions! I am just trying to give the best possible gift to two people I love dearly, not send any weird subliminal messages.

For those asking why not go in with someone else, I can't. I've agonized over this so long that everyone else has already gotten their gifts. :) I finally decided AskMe could help me sort out what to do.
posted by min at 10:47 AM on November 12, 2010

Are there any restaurant gift certificates available that cover more than one place? Sometimes there are collectives of a type, and you can give them half of Komi OR all of Palena.
posted by endless_forms at 10:51 AM on November 12, 2010

Best answer: Have you thought of giving cash? That way they can decide which restaurant to go to (and if they want to have a fully paid for meal or have to chip in). I know between some friends cash can feel impersonal, but you could write a short note. On the other hand, if they got cash they might have other needs it would go to (especially after the costs of a wedding -- I know we were broke for a couple of months).

It sounds like you already made a decision but just thought I'd throw an alternative out there.
posted by JenMarie at 10:56 AM on November 12, 2010

For a friend's wedding, three of us went in on a gift certificate to a restaurant. Together we could make it quite generous. Maybe you can find someone else to share the gift with you?
posted by Salamandrous at 11:17 AM on November 12, 2010

You are really generous! I haven't been to Palena, but my dinner at Komi was one of the highlights of my dining life so far. It is incredible.

Can they afford 1 meal at Komi? Then - under these particular circumstances - I would go for it. They'll have to call and call and hope they get a reservation, but when they do, they will absolutely love it, and they will know that you gave them a very thoughtful, generous gift.

Actually, when we went there (it was for a celebration), we sat down and the host brought us a pretty card with a gift certificate inside it, and a note from our family congratulating us on what we were celebrating. They had heard us chattering about how excited we were to be going to Komi, and called the restaurant and arranged for the gift cert to be handed to us then and there. It was SUCH a delightful surprise. I know you can't go that route because you don't know when they will go to Komi, but why not just get them a certain $$ amount at Komi and not call it "1 dinner at Komi"?
posted by semacd at 11:22 AM on November 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

To me, it depends on whether it's somewhere they're planning to go, or just somewhere they want to go. If they're going to go for sure, or if they're planning to go but it's a little bit out of their budget, then a gift certificate paying for half of their meal there would be a really nice, personal touch. If it's somewhere they're day-dreaming about going someday, but not actually planning a trip there, then the usual rules about not giving gifts that make them spend money would apply.
posted by Lady Li at 11:39 AM on November 12, 2010

think I've been to Komi (isn't right next to another sushi place? I am easily confused) and was underwhelmed.

FWIW, I know I've been to Komi, and was not underwhelmed at all. (Yes, it's pretty close to Sushi Taro.) That said, I'd probably still go with the answer you already bested (give a gift that both will enjoy).
posted by inigo2 at 12:11 PM on November 12, 2010

Komi is amazing, and the staff is incredible. Call them and let them know your situation. Maybe for your budget you can get then wine, cheese, and dessert.... And they can then choose to also have dinner or just go there after dinner elsewhere. It is absolutely worth it, either way.
posted by nkknkk at 12:33 PM on November 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Normally I'd agree that a gift that requires the recipient to spend money is tacky, but this is your best friend and you KNOW she wants to go there. I can very much see myself giving my best friend a gift certificate to a restaurant she was dying to go to and just explaining to her "look, I know it won't cover the full amount, I'm sorry, but you wanted this so badly that I decided I'd rather give you a gift cert to this place instead of that other, cheaper one." Isn't this what being BFF means? She'll understand what you are trying to do and appreciate it.
posted by coupdefoudre at 1:16 PM on November 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Check for whatever amount you can give together with Zagat guide (or something similar) plus personal note encouraging them to explore something new or old together.
posted by zeikka at 1:52 PM on November 12, 2010

Best answer: Since she's your best friend, I'd say ask. It's not like wedding presents have to be a surprise. I'd rather the gc for half of the meal I really want instead of a different restaurant. The gc would spur me to finally go. You're getting them halfway there. Just make sure the gift certificate doesn't expire for a long time.
posted by artychoke at 3:29 PM on November 12, 2010

So, I would find out if they want to go to Palena first, because quite frankly I was completely unimpressed with their food and service and would be disappointed if I got a gift certificate for there. I would do as artychoke suggests and tell her you want to give her a gift of a wonderful meal and ask her to mention a few places that she and her almost-husband really want to go to. That way it's still a little bit of a surprise when you pick one of those several.
posted by echo0720 at 3:56 PM on November 12, 2010

I agree with artychoke, I'd ask.
posted by obliquicity at 4:35 PM on November 12, 2010

A gift certificate to a couple that only covers one meal would be awkward enough in any circumstance, but it seems particularly tone-deaf for a wedding gift.
posted by desuetude at 10:54 PM on November 12, 2010