Bed and bored

November 10, 2010 1:36 PM

Men and sexual variety: I think he’s a little bored, and I’m not sure what to do about it.

We've been married for ten years, and lately things have gotten pretty routine in the bedroom. Sex isn’t happening as often as I’d like either. I get the feeling that he is bored with sex in general and with me, specifically. Not that he’s ever said so directly, but in the course of our general conversations about sex he’s said things that make me think he thinks he’d find sex more exciting if he were banging new and different women.

For the record, he hasn’t done or said anything shitty. I know he loves me, and a major aspect of the conversations has been that he feels that being in a long-term relationship with someone he loves (me) is well worth the trade-off of the possibility of getting to dip his dick into someone new every once in a while. But I can’t help noticing a certain wistfulness when he’s talked about it. And while he’s generally up for a romp if I suggest it, he’s not exactly clamoring to get in my pants these days.

The thing is, I’m not sure what to do to spark his interest in our sex life again. We’ve experimented a lot over the years so it’s not like he’s going to be blown away with excitement if I tie him up or offer him anal. Pretty much anything not heavy-duty kink has been done before, and neither one of us is interested in heavy-duty kink. I would certainly be willing to incorporate more often the restraints/anal/what-have-you that we’ve done in the past, but I’m not sure it’s going to have the whiz-bang effect on his excitement that I’m hoping for.

He seems to like lingerie ok but it’s on for like five minutes before he strips it off me. I feel like he’s not getting a lot of bang for the freaking 40-60 bucks I probably spent for that little bit of lace and satin.

We’ve done a little role playing (we didn’t hate it but it wasn’t exactly “OMG hot!” either. Just sort of weird and uncomfortable.) We’ve got toys out the wazoo (heh.) I’m more interested in them than he is. He gets bored walking around sex shops with me.

He doesn’t seem to have any sexual fantasies he’d like to play out, other than things that involve other people. He’d swing in a second if I were open to it but I am most emphatically not, and I’m also not interested in letting him out to play alone.

We have over the years narrowed our repertoire of techniques and positions to a few favorites… which are favorites because they are comfortable and effective. We are 40ish and not slim, so athletic positions are not gonna happen, plus there is a significant height difference that makes even some run-of-the-mill variations uncomfortable (for example, I love doggy-style but we haven’t found a good way to get our parts to line up comfortably.)

He would never, ever admit this but I don’t think he finds me particularly sexy. I’m not ugly… I get flirted with by other men quite a bit… but I don’t think I’m his ideal type.

Of course the first solution that comes to mind is for me to lose weight and get more fit. I could certainly make improvements and look better, but I’m never going to have a “hot” body or face again without plastic surgery (which I can’t afford.) Anyway, once the novelty of having a new fitter body for him to play with has worn off, then what?

Tl;dr: Basically I’d just like to know what things a longtime wife can do to keep her partner interested and excited with their sex life. How does one go about bringing freshness and excitement to a long-term sexual relationship that hasn’t exactly been staid and unadventurous to begin with? What sort of things might register with him as “new and cool”? New hand-job techniques? Constantly changing hairstyles and makeup? Redecorate the bedroom like a brothel? Elaborate ever-changing “scenes” that incorporate everything from soup to nuts?

Throwaway email if you need it: [e-mail]

BTW… “talking to him” has been less than fruitful. I don’t think he has any more ideas of what would turn him on than I do, other than the idea of getting it on with someone new.

Also, I understand that what works for you might not work for us. I’d just really like to get some ideas of how other people are keeping their long-term sexual relationship hot.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

If you guys can't generate ideas that work when you're talking with each other, maybe balsamic vinegar meeting for a session or two with a sex therapist might help?
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:44 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

“talking to him” has been less than fruitful. I don’t think he has any more ideas of what would turn him on than I do, other than the idea of getting it on with someone new.
Keep talking. Make a list with bullet points on it. Tell him you want things to change sexually and you need his help. You have to get through this with him.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:45 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

If nothing else, think real estate.
Location
Location
Location
posted by timsteil at 1:45 PM on November 10, 2010 [9 favorites]

Can you maybe try interesting and exciting, not in your comfort zone things outside of the bedroom? All the focus on sex puts the pressure on the sex acts (which, let's be honest, there are only so many varieties of when you boil them down), but opening up the idea of "excitement" to include impromptu trips somewhere different, adventurous activities (jumping out of a plane, or exploring a scary location, or what have you) that he might not expect of you will help him see you as "another woman," perhaps.
posted by xingcat at 1:46 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]

I was also going to say real estate. Save your lingerie money and meet at a hotel. maybe in the middle of the day.
posted by dpx.mfx at 1:49 PM on November 10, 2010

I know that talking to him hasn't helped, but it does do a lot to define the size and shape of the problem: If he doesn't know what would get his motor running, there's really no way for you to find it out.

But since he's kind of out of touch with his sex drive, I will give you some actually-usable advice.

He likes lingerie? Find lingerie that doesn't need to be taken off for sex to happen. Garter belt and stockings are old favorites, also perhaps a bustier, maybe something with garters - something which does not cover up the erogenous zones. Get a few different garter belts, a lot of different kinds of stockings. Sheer, fishnet, Cuban heel, backseamed. Variety. That's going to be important.

Constantly changing hairstyles is both expensive and impractical. Look into wigs. Inexpensive ones at first, then nicer as you get confident.

Get fake glasses. Do your makeup different. Get you some opera gloves. Different jewelry.

Costumes is what I'm saying. Variety seems to be what turns him on the most, so go with that. Should you lose weight? Couldn't hurt, but it's not necessary.

One of the best things about costumery is that it tickles a part of the male brain which isn't even really on the conscious level and so he may not know why he's reacting to it so strongly, but essentially you get the thrilling novelty of being with someone new who happens to know exactly what gets you off and how.

Tell him not to make any plans some night. Dress up, then come out into the living room and attack him. Be aggressive until he takes the hint. Don't feel like you need to play a role, but if you find yourself acting differently because of how you look, don't fight it.

Do it again when the urge to have crazy sex strikes. Engage in dialogue with him and find out if he has favorites.

Obviously I can't guarantee anything but I suspect it has a decent enough chance of working. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:56 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]

Nthing hotel sex.
posted by endless_forms at 1:57 PM on November 10, 2010

I have had success with the old, tired, game-playing standby: It’s absolutely true that people want what they can’t have. When this principle is used within the bounds of an otherwise healthy relationship, it’s not so much game-playing as just a psychological cheat to get things started again. So what I’m saying is…play hard to get. Try not to please him. Maybe even be more demanding. Get secretive and mysterious. If he’s willing, try to limit his access to porn, masturbation, and all sex for a while until he’s got to jump your bones. Get in shape, buy some new makeup and clothes, flirt with guys (not with the intention of taking it further) to get a whiff of NRE going. You know the general idea. Wear the lingerie but with an attitude of “hands off, it isn’t for you! Don’t mess up my expensive panties!” Bonus points if this catches him off-guard. Be a tease. Take up a new hobby. This stuff actually works. Be a bit of a stranger to him, and it will likely mimic successfully what he finds appealing about sleeping with new partners.
posted by Nixy at 1:58 PM on November 10, 2010 [13 favorites]

If you need help lining your parts up, or just for some general fun, try a couple of the Liberator shapes.
posted by Silvertree at 2:05 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

Wear your lingerie around the house, but don't let it graduate to sex. Let him see you do the dishes in satin and lace and heels. Wear an MP3 player and dance around to your favourite music while you're dressed up and doing normal household stuff. Make him wait. Make him want you so bad it hurts.

On preview, what Nixy said.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:08 PM on November 10, 2010

Try a road trip or two, even if it's just for a couple of hours somewhere local. The change of pace and scenery might do wonders.

I've typed and erased answers to this question several times, because it may come off as attacking you or your attitude about this, but I'm going to ahead and write it, trusting that you'll see it as just as an observation from a stranger on the internet and not an indictment of you personally.

Here it is: You're coming across, IMO, a little desperate or needy. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't but that's the impression I'm going from based on what you're written. That's not sexy. So why not turn it around and figure out what you want i.e. what sexy things would you like to try? If you haven't already, maybe it's time for you to take the lead and seek out new and exciting situations and invite him along. Be a little unavailable or time things so situations make you unavailable, say like attacking him 5 minutes before he has to leave for work or before you guys go out. Call him at work and let him hear your masturbating as you talk about some fantasy you're having, one that doesn't involve him directly.

Be the change you wish to see.
posted by nomadicink at 2:10 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]

Of course the first solution that comes to mind is for me to lose weight and get more fit. I could certainly make improvements and look better, but I’m never going to have a “hot” body or face again without plastic surgery (which I can’t afford.) Anyway, once the novelty of having a new fitter body for him to play with has worn off, then what?

Your instinct is helpful and healthy, and after mentioning it and how you could 'certainly' implement it, you spend the rest of the paragraph on irrelevant bullshit.

Go to the gym, the climbing wall, the bike path, the boathouse. Bring your husband. Spend some time sweating together and - surprise - you'll find he starts to enjoy spending time sweating together. Sex problems are usually not about the mechanics of sex.

And if you are healthier (not 'thinner') you will be happier, no matter what. Your happiness will be comfort and inspiration to you both.

I mean, duh!! :)
posted by waxbanks at 2:50 PM on November 10, 2010

darth_tedious has the right kind of idea, but I think you can bring it round to sex. Talk through his desires with him and find where you can connect. Maybe there will be some things that you don't want to actually do, such as having sex with third parties, but which you can yet allow to become part of your shared sexual life. So you can say something like, Look, I wouldn't actually like you to have sex with another person, but in the abstract I think the idea might turn me on, so would you like to talk about that? If you can find yourself getting genuinely excited by the idea, the fantasy, and he sees it, that might suffice for him. Of course, YMMV.
posted by londongeezer at 2:55 PM on November 10, 2010

Do you think his overall desire to have sex has just dropped? Being 40-ish, he's reached the point where his body isn't producing as much testosterone naturally. If you feel he also has other symptoms such as those listed here, maybe look into seeing a doctor.

Definitely keep talking about it with him. I think it's interesting that when the guy loses interest in sex, you assume he's bored. This situation isn't much different as to when the wife loses interest in sex. In those threads, advice usually tends toward making sure she's not stressed out from work, house-work, or kids. Maybe it's not so much the sexy things in the bedroom but the things outside of the bedroom?
posted by just.good.enough at 3:34 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]

Exercise. Exercise, exercise, exercise. Not for the effects on your weight, but for the effects on your confidence and libido. A woman who knows - and shows! - that her body is strong and capable is hot. A woman like that who aggressively pins a dude down to the couch and squirms all over his lap is VERY hot.

Also: depending on your comfort level, the stuff that usually spices things up the most is the stuff that gets your adrenaline flowing in OTHER ways, too. You don't EVER have to touch another person at a sex club... but you can certainly indulge your exhibitionist side. You don't have to experiment with sex on drugs... but it's way more fun that it has any right to be. And so on.
posted by julthumbscrew at 3:43 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]

Wigs and Rules! I can't tell you how much attacking him unexpectedly in a wig will change things immediately. This works especially if you disrupt the normal by changing your relationship dynamic for that moment. Five minutes before he leaves for work? Walk out from nowhere in a wig and a sexy outfit you feel works with it, push him up against a wall, tell him not to even think about saying anything, clasp his hands behind his back, and, well, send him off to work with something to obsess about all day long. If you can disrupt what he expects from your sexual encounters, and don't give him hints as to when it will happen, it will bring back some of the wonder and fluttery-ness that you get when you first start dating. The wigs will just help him separate from what he expects from your love making. I promise you, a few brief but intense encounters and you can condition a pavlovian response to your you wig/whatever item you use to signify it is "play time"
posted by elationfoundation at 3:54 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm all for talking to improve sex, but in my limited experience, it's surprising how few women really get the value of a few simple, well-timed, enthusiastic words during sex. Like "Yes!" "Now!" "Oh!" "Please!" Or even a simply voiced exhalation of breath (moan), now and again.

Simply encouraging a man who loves you, audibly, carefully, because you love him, while he is with you in the most intimate way, is pretty powerful for many men. It's not a conversation, it's a loving appreciation...
posted by paulsc at 4:02 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]

Five minutes before he leaves for work?

This could backfire horribly. Speaking strictly for myself, if I'm not feeling sexy and/or I have something I need to be doing, putting me on the spot like this os going to irritate me, not make me succumb to the sexy sex.

From personal experience, just.good.enough's second piece of advice is spot on: work, home, and kid stress is a libido-killer. I'd suggest trying to find out if there's something deeper going that's dulled his drive.
posted by lekvar at 4:12 PM on November 10, 2010

I don't think this has anything to do with sex, I think it has to do with intimacy, and the irreplaceable joy that comes from having some fun together. My suggestion would be, go somewhere. Have some fun. Go out for dinner. See how it goes.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:33 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]

I don't think this has anything to do with sex, I think it has to do with intimacy

This sounds right to me. Trust that he's at least a little bit turned on by you, even if you aren't a carbon copy of the hot 18 year old actress of the week. You don't need plastic surgery, but you probably need a relationship reboot.

So I think it's less about technique (eg specific handjob methods), and more about context. Go on a vacation. Make him feel appreciated. Express your delight. Create an environment where work stress, family irritations, and money worries are left at the door (at least for the evening) and you can relax and have fun.

Of course the first solution that comes to mind is for me to lose weight and get more fit. I could certainly make improvements and look better, but I’m never going to have a “hot” body or face again without plastic surgery (which I can’t afford.) Anyway, once the novelty of having a new fitter body for him to play with has worn off, then what?

Someone else discussed this above, but I was also struck by how you immediately dismissed making any real changes. Are you perhaps doing the same thing when it comes to your relationship? ("Sure, I could do X, but once the novelty wore off, why bother?") At some point you need to cowgirl up and take a risk. It'll take work, and it might totally fail. But if you won't put the work in, you aren't going to get any different results.

I was also really struck by how much you want a "whiz-bang effect on his excitement" -- that is, you are wording everything in terms of how you want him to express his feelings. You aren't talking about things he can do, like "have sex X times/week" or "give me Y orgasms." What you seem to be wanting is his desire, and you are trying to elicit it indirectly. At worst this is manipulative, and even at best it can be a touch dishonest, in that you maybe aren't doing something for its own enjoyment but rather to elicit a particular reaction from him.

I know you've said you've tried to talk with him, but I think you have a communication issue here -- have you considered a mediator or sex therapist, someone who can help you guys find a useful and functional language to talk about your needs and desires? You both deserve to be happy, and it doesn't sound like the status quo is working for either of you.
posted by Forktine at 10:07 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]

I agree with a lot of the ideas for changing things around, particularly the wig suggestions. But I also think it would be healthy to try to accept the fact that, yes, he would really enjoy having sex with someone else, but this doesn't matter because you trust him to stay faithful to you.

Life is about trade-offs and compromise and he's just not going to be able to have everything he wants (super-exciting sex AND a loving long-term relationship). While you're a very loving wife who wants to help him be as satisfied as he can within your relationship, don't take on too much responsibility for making sure he has everything he wants. Because you're not going to be able to completely take away his desire for other women, and you may drive yourself crazy trying.
posted by hazyjane at 11:13 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]

This isn't directly about sex but I remember reading somewhere (and am too lazy to google-fu right now) that couples who try new things together maintain closer connections. The examples were doing things like learning how to rock-climb or taking a pottery class together even if you're both completely not artistic (or especially if you're both completely not artistic).

This may seem tangential but doing these things new and unusual together outside of the bedroom might help you guys feel like you're in the "date" mode (look at these new and exciting things I am doing with this exciting person!) and maybe that will carry over to the bedroom a bit.
posted by blue_bicycle at 7:16 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

My husband and I have been together 12 years, so this issue is not an unfamiliar one. We take dance lessons and go dancing (swing and salsa), and more often than not we end up all hot & bothered. It helps that it's something we both like doing--I didn't have to "force" him, and he has natural talent that makes learning dance steps pleasant & rewarding. It was really exciting to realize that we were very compatible as dance partners. Knowing that our bodies fit together like that so well is kind of sexy!

You don't necessarily have to try dancing. Not everyone enjoys it or is good at it, and that's fine. But maybe you can think of something along similar lines--something that allows you to be physical, requires you to be close and to help each other out, that generates some adrenaline. That adrenaline is powerful sexytimes stuff when you're both feeling it.

That's just my two cents. I agree with others above that you should reach out to him for suggestions, too, because you're not the only one in this marriage. It's a partnership where you both need to work to keep the other happy, not a circus act where it's your responsibility to entertain him. That's not meant to be harsh, just a reframing of the situation. Good luck to you!
posted by Fui Non Sum at 12:21 PM on November 11, 2010

I know you said you've tried role playing before, but try it again. He implies he wants to be with different women, then maybe you could pretend to be a different woman. Get dressed up in something you wouldn't wear, meet "by accident" in a bar, flirt, pretend you don't know eachother, and hookup in a hotel. Take different cars home, and he can pretend he has a dirty little secret.
posted by shesaysgo at 9:55 PM on November 12, 2010