How do I end this relationship with a jerk gracefully with minimum drama?
November 2, 2010 11:20 AM Subscribe
How do I end this relationship with a jerk gracefully with minimum drama?
I saw this question and I guess my predicament is similar. The difference here is that the reason I no longer want to see him is not because I'm not into him... in fact I'm really into him. But there are some things he's done to me that make me not want to be involved with him.
We've been dating for over a month and sleeping over at each other's places 2-3 nights a week, cooking for each other, going to dinners with my friends, etc. It's gotten to the point where we are close enough that I wanted to ask for exclusivity...and he said not yet. And redflagalert of doom, he's going to visit his ex this weekend to "bring her a table" that she likes and he was getting rid of. Besides that...I guess it just doesn't seem like her wants me that badly anyway. For example, it seems he'll ask me to do something on a night and then back out of it if something better comes up.
Yeah yeah maybe it's all nothing and it WAS too soon (if I care about commitment with sex maybe I shouldn't have slept with him until that...), but at point in my life I've had a healthy relationship and my intuition tells me that this doesn't look like a good start to one.
But I'd like to eject gracefully. I will still see him occasionally since we have common interests and I don't want it to be awkward.
Do I call him to tell him? Do I wait for him to call me? Do I email him? Do I tell him the truth or just lie and say I'm not into him?
I saw this question and I guess my predicament is similar. The difference here is that the reason I no longer want to see him is not because I'm not into him... in fact I'm really into him. But there are some things he's done to me that make me not want to be involved with him.
We've been dating for over a month and sleeping over at each other's places 2-3 nights a week, cooking for each other, going to dinners with my friends, etc. It's gotten to the point where we are close enough that I wanted to ask for exclusivity...and he said not yet. And redflagalert of doom, he's going to visit his ex this weekend to "bring her a table" that she likes and he was getting rid of. Besides that...I guess it just doesn't seem like her wants me that badly anyway. For example, it seems he'll ask me to do something on a night and then back out of it if something better comes up.
Yeah yeah maybe it's all nothing and it WAS too soon (if I care about commitment with sex maybe I shouldn't have slept with him until that...), but at point in my life I've had a healthy relationship and my intuition tells me that this doesn't look like a good start to one.
But I'd like to eject gracefully. I will still see him occasionally since we have common interests and I don't want it to be awkward.
Do I call him to tell him? Do I wait for him to call me? Do I email him? Do I tell him the truth or just lie and say I'm not into him?
Best answer: "I'm looking for a monogamous commitment and it doesn't seem like you're interested in that, so I don't think it's going to work out between us." The truth will set you free.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:28 AM on November 2, 2010 [36 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:28 AM on November 2, 2010 [36 favorites]
I think you can be honest and say "I really like you, but I realize that I am looking for more of a commitment than you are offering me right now."
posted by Zophi at 11:28 AM on November 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Zophi at 11:28 AM on November 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Tell him the truth, that way you'll be treating him and yourself with a reasonable level of respect. It doesn't sound like he'd react badly, so he might as well know what you think.
posted by tel3path at 11:28 AM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by tel3path at 11:28 AM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Given that you've been sleeping with each other fairly regularly, I'd say that an in-person break-up is warranted. The Higher Road Break-Up is not exactly obligatory after only a month, as people like this asshole over here will make far less effort to end things a lot further along, but do the decent thing and tell him in person that while you like him and all, you get the feeling that he's not going to give you what you need. This is a completely adult way to handle a somewhat tempting but ultimately unfulfilling relationship, by the way, so props to you for being proactive and pragmatic.
posted by zoomorphic at 11:29 AM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by zoomorphic at 11:29 AM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You can't really keep it from being awkward. What you can do, and you owe it to yourself to do, is keep it from dragging it on.
There is no need to lie. You want different things out of this relationship (exclusivity and non-flakiness). Say that. Then say good-bye. You guys haven't been dating that long. A twenty year relationship shouldn't end on a "Sorry, I'm just not into you", but a one month relationship? "It's not working out. Sorry. No, my mind is made up." I'd probably do it in person, but you haven't been dating that long and if you feel that email or IM or whatever it is you kids do these days is the right choice then do that. Just make it a clear, clean break.
BTW - The fact that he's delivering a table to his ex either means that he's a scumbag two-timer or it means nothing at all or it means something in between. It's not, in and of itself, a sign of anything much.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:31 AM on November 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
There is no need to lie. You want different things out of this relationship (exclusivity and non-flakiness). Say that. Then say good-bye. You guys haven't been dating that long. A twenty year relationship shouldn't end on a "Sorry, I'm just not into you", but a one month relationship? "It's not working out. Sorry. No, my mind is made up." I'd probably do it in person, but you haven't been dating that long and if you feel that email or IM or whatever it is you kids do these days is the right choice then do that. Just make it a clear, clean break.
BTW - The fact that he's delivering a table to his ex either means that he's a scumbag two-timer or it means nothing at all or it means something in between. It's not, in and of itself, a sign of anything much.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:31 AM on November 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Be proactive. Set up a meeting with him somewhere public that you can both walk away from easily. Be clear and say that you have decided that you don't want to be in a relationship with him any longer. If he asks why, tell him that you just aren't suited. And then leave.
If he makes it awkward, that's up to him.
posted by Solomon at 11:31 AM on November 2, 2010
If he makes it awkward, that's up to him.
posted by Solomon at 11:31 AM on November 2, 2010
I vote you call him, tell him you like him and would like to be exclusive, but it seems you're an open option for him, so it feels like a bad match in terms of relationship mentalities, not personalities. Being a good option until something better comes up does not bode well for an exclusive relationship.
On preview, others said it better than I did.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:32 AM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
On preview, others said it better than I did.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:32 AM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I vote you let him have the weekend with his ex before you do anything because it may be clarifying for him. He may return full of gratitude that you're in his life and ready to make the commitment you seek.
Holding an exclusivity convo right before he leaves might just drive him into her arms.
posted by carmicha at 11:51 AM on November 2, 2010
Holding an exclusivity convo right before he leaves might just drive him into her arms.
posted by carmicha at 11:51 AM on November 2, 2010
Another vote for in-person, but I vote for going over to his place to do it. Doing it in public is embarassing, and should be reserved only for when you fear he'll have a bad reaction and should have witnesses on hand. And putting someone in the situation of having to drive after they've been broken up with is a potential safety issue. Stop by his place, say your piece, discuss if necessary, and leave when it's time.
posted by lizbunny at 11:54 AM on November 2, 2010
posted by lizbunny at 11:54 AM on November 2, 2010
Stop by his place, say your piece, discuss if necessary, and leave when it's time.
As a wise man once said, 'there's no need to discuss much'; feel free to drop that element. You have made your decision, discussion is not relevant, just make the situation clear as nicely as possible, and go.
posted by biffa at 12:10 PM on November 2, 2010
As a wise man once said, 'there's no need to discuss much'; feel free to drop that element. You have made your decision, discussion is not relevant, just make the situation clear as nicely as possible, and go.
posted by biffa at 12:10 PM on November 2, 2010
if you aren't exclusive, going to see his ex isn't a red flag as much as it's him behaving in the way he indicated when he said he wasn't ready for exclusivity. would you feel better if it were a new girl he started seeing?
if you actually want no drama and want to remain on friendly acquaintance terms, it might be useful to stop characterizing him as a jerk. unless you're leaving something out, this just sounds like two people who aren't on the same page. you told him what you needed and he told you he couldn't give you that. that's pretty honorable from where i'm sitting. the less ethical move would have been for him to tell you he was ready for exclusivity and still gone and seen the ex...
posted by nadawi at 12:14 PM on November 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
if you actually want no drama and want to remain on friendly acquaintance terms, it might be useful to stop characterizing him as a jerk. unless you're leaving something out, this just sounds like two people who aren't on the same page. you told him what you needed and he told you he couldn't give you that. that's pretty honorable from where i'm sitting. the less ethical move would have been for him to tell you he was ready for exclusivity and still gone and seen the ex...
posted by nadawi at 12:14 PM on November 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
Be prepared for whatever he may counter with. He may offer exclusivity; if he does, how will you respond? I recommend trusting you instincts, as they seems quite accurate. Poor him, he's losing out on wonderful you.
posted by theora55 at 12:18 PM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 12:18 PM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I guess it just doesn't seem like her wants me that badly anyway. For example, it seems he'll ask me to do something on a night and then back out of it if something better comes up.
You're a smart girl and cutting your losses in this kind of situation is the right thing to do. It doesn't matter that he's seeing an ex and if there's nothing going on between them. You're uncomfortable and you shouldn't waste your energy on men that make you feel tired.
if you aren't exclusive, going to see his ex isn't a red flag as much as it's him behaving in the way he indicated when he said he wasn't ready for exclusivity. would you feel better if it were a new girl he started seeing?
Who cares? She doesn't trust him and she doesn't have to rationalize herself out of trusting her gut about this guy.
posted by anniecat at 12:19 PM on November 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
You're a smart girl and cutting your losses in this kind of situation is the right thing to do. It doesn't matter that he's seeing an ex and if there's nothing going on between them. You're uncomfortable and you shouldn't waste your energy on men that make you feel tired.
if you aren't exclusive, going to see his ex isn't a red flag as much as it's him behaving in the way he indicated when he said he wasn't ready for exclusivity. would you feel better if it were a new girl he started seeing?
Who cares? She doesn't trust him and she doesn't have to rationalize herself out of trusting her gut about this guy.
posted by anniecat at 12:19 PM on November 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Also, from what you said, his backing out when a better offer comes up does indicate that he doesn't like you as much as you like him, and not getting in the position of pursuing someone who feels less strongly about you than you feel about them is very smart and a good move.
posted by anniecat at 12:21 PM on November 2, 2010
posted by anniecat at 12:21 PM on November 2, 2010
One more thing, if you want to think he's a jerk, go ahead. It's a good shorthand for figuring out what kind of people you don't want in your life and what kind of man you don't want to date. You don't have to apologize for not being kind and understanding all the time just because someone wants you to justify what you consider sneaky and untrustworthy behavior.
posted by anniecat at 12:24 PM on November 2, 2010
posted by anniecat at 12:24 PM on November 2, 2010
"Who cares? She doesn't trust him and she doesn't have to rationalize herself out of trusting her gut about this guy."
i wasn't suggesting that at all. what i was saying is that if she really wants a no drama, still friendly breakup, than she should stop characterizing him as a jerk, as it doesn't seem to fit and it will only increase the likelihood of bad feelings for her.
in case you missed it in my comment, i pretty much only argue for breaking up, but doing so in an adult, not adolescent "he's such a jerk for being honest!" way. to repeat: this just sounds like two people who aren't on the same page. you told him what you needed and he told you he couldn't give you that.
there doesn't have to be a bad guy for two people to break up.
posted by nadawi at 12:26 PM on November 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
i wasn't suggesting that at all. what i was saying is that if she really wants a no drama, still friendly breakup, than she should stop characterizing him as a jerk, as it doesn't seem to fit and it will only increase the likelihood of bad feelings for her.
in case you missed it in my comment, i pretty much only argue for breaking up, but doing so in an adult, not adolescent "he's such a jerk for being honest!" way. to repeat: this just sounds like two people who aren't on the same page. you told him what you needed and he told you he couldn't give you that.
there doesn't have to be a bad guy for two people to break up.
posted by nadawi at 12:26 PM on November 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
Best answer: you shouldn't waste your energy on men that make you feel tired.
Let me just say this ought to be seen as one of the golden rules of all relationships.
If the woman or man you are dating is bringing you more stress than pleasure, it's time to get out. There's no need to be in a relationship, EVER, where you have to worry about whether or not the person is into you as much as you're into them, or whether they might be thinking of cheating on you, or whatever. Life is too short and there are too many good people out there to stick with people who a) can't seem make up their mind about you, or b) might be still holding a flame for someone else. A 'relationship' like is just too draining to contemplate.
Put your cards on the table -- you want monogamy and some level of commitment to making this work. If he doesn't, walk. Don't look back.
posted by modernnomad at 12:54 PM on November 2, 2010 [9 favorites]
Let me just say this ought to be seen as one of the golden rules of all relationships.
If the woman or man you are dating is bringing you more stress than pleasure, it's time to get out. There's no need to be in a relationship, EVER, where you have to worry about whether or not the person is into you as much as you're into them, or whether they might be thinking of cheating on you, or whatever. Life is too short and there are too many good people out there to stick with people who a) can't seem make up their mind about you, or b) might be still holding a flame for someone else. A 'relationship' like is just too draining to contemplate.
Put your cards on the table -- you want monogamy and some level of commitment to making this work. If he doesn't, walk. Don't look back.
posted by modernnomad at 12:54 PM on November 2, 2010 [9 favorites]
Best answer: My question is, how tempted will you be to go back on your decision if you do it in person?
I agree that in-person break ups are the most respectable, but I do think it's dangerous territory to hang out if you think you might go back on it. What you have seems fairly non-committal and casual, and you like him a lot, so what's one more go at it?
But if you've made up your mind, then just say it. Schedule one on one time (dinner?) and let him know you want to talk.. If commitment is all that it would take to stay with him, then give that reason. But what if he offers a commitment? Do you still want that from him, since you see this relationship as unhealthy? If it's something bigger and you dont want to be with him, just tell him that you are "not a match". He may ask more. Decide whether it's worth sharing with him ahead of time.
posted by dreamsofhorses at 1:01 PM on November 2, 2010
I agree that in-person break ups are the most respectable, but I do think it's dangerous territory to hang out if you think you might go back on it. What you have seems fairly non-committal and casual, and you like him a lot, so what's one more go at it?
But if you've made up your mind, then just say it. Schedule one on one time (dinner?) and let him know you want to talk.. If commitment is all that it would take to stay with him, then give that reason. But what if he offers a commitment? Do you still want that from him, since you see this relationship as unhealthy? If it's something bigger and you dont want to be with him, just tell him that you are "not a match". He may ask more. Decide whether it's worth sharing with him ahead of time.
posted by dreamsofhorses at 1:01 PM on November 2, 2010
Response by poster: My question is, how tempted will you be to go back on your decision if you do it in person?
That's a real worry for me. In the past when he's been really late and I've been initially mad, he's got a charm that's disarmed me completely...
I guess I wouldn't be so upset him about driving over a hundred miles to bring his ex a table and spending the night if last week he hadn't backed out of helping me with some heavy boxes that he had offered to move for me. Seems like he might not be over her. And I hate it when people say they'll help and they back out. It makes me think they might be jerks...
posted by idle at 1:07 PM on November 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
That's a real worry for me. In the past when he's been really late and I've been initially mad, he's got a charm that's disarmed me completely...
I guess I wouldn't be so upset him about driving over a hundred miles to bring his ex a table and spending the night if last week he hadn't backed out of helping me with some heavy boxes that he had offered to move for me. Seems like he might not be over her. And I hate it when people say they'll help and they back out. It makes me think they might be jerks...
posted by idle at 1:07 PM on November 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
Best answer: If I was ready to be exclusive with someone this would be a dealbreaker. That he's flaky tells me maybe he doesn't realize what effect he's having, so you can give him as much detail as you want in that regard. But I think at the end of the day, your feelings coupled with his actions say that you guys definitely have different attitudes about the relationship at this point in time. Now, maybe you can snap him into shape by telling him what's up, but it sounds like your predecessor(s) may not be that demanding of him. It all depends on his attitude and affinity for you, and you can engage this as much ("I need this, can you give it to me?") or as little ("Goodbye. We're not suited.") as you're comfortable.
posted by rhizome at 1:55 PM on November 2, 2010
posted by rhizome at 1:55 PM on November 2, 2010
Best answer: Sidehedevil has it. I don't know if he's a jerk or not, but there are many perfectly good reasons to end a relationship even if the guy isn't a jerk. You want to be exclusive and he doesn't. He's probably not over his ex and he might be sleeping with his ex or planning on sleeping with his ex.
I don't think there is anything wrong with just telling him the truth. Short and sweet. You're looking for a more serious and exclusive relationship and he isn't so it's best if you part ways. Leave the ex and his flakiness out of it. If you are worried about doing it in person then do it over the phone. It's only been a month and you aren't exclusive so you don't owe him much other than a short explanation.
posted by whoaali at 1:57 PM on November 2, 2010
I don't think there is anything wrong with just telling him the truth. Short and sweet. You're looking for a more serious and exclusive relationship and he isn't so it's best if you part ways. Leave the ex and his flakiness out of it. If you are worried about doing it in person then do it over the phone. It's only been a month and you aren't exclusive so you don't owe him much other than a short explanation.
posted by whoaali at 1:57 PM on November 2, 2010
Best answer: That's a real worry for me. In the past when he's been really late and I've been initially mad, he's got a charm that's disarmed me completely...
I guess I wouldn't be so upset him about driving over a hundred miles to bring his ex a table and spending the night if last week he hadn't backed out of helping me with some heavy boxes that he had offered to move for me.
This would be the end of it for me, too. As they say, it's not necessarily words that tell you, but actions....or lack thereof. A phone call is fine. A month does not a deep relationship make, especially with a guy like this. You have every right to protect yourself. Call him and tell him you're not on the same page, you wish him well, bye.
posted by uans at 2:49 PM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
I guess I wouldn't be so upset him about driving over a hundred miles to bring his ex a table and spending the night if last week he hadn't backed out of helping me with some heavy boxes that he had offered to move for me.
This would be the end of it for me, too. As they say, it's not necessarily words that tell you, but actions....or lack thereof. A phone call is fine. A month does not a deep relationship make, especially with a guy like this. You have every right to protect yourself. Call him and tell him you're not on the same page, you wish him well, bye.
posted by uans at 2:49 PM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was that guy. In my case, she left and I was all like "ZOMG NOOOOO". Just took her to leave for me to realise that.
posted by Biru at 3:02 PM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Biru at 3:02 PM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I vote you let him have the weekend with his ex before you do anything because it may be clarifying for him. He may return full of gratitude that you're in his life and ready to make the commitment you seek.
Holding an exclusivity convo right before he leaves might just drive him into her arms.
Nah, do it ahead of time. If he's as charming as he probably is, he'll just take the opportunity to have his cake and eat it, too.
posted by motsque at 3:04 PM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Holding an exclusivity convo right before he leaves might just drive him into her arms.
Nah, do it ahead of time. If he's as charming as he probably is, he'll just take the opportunity to have his cake and eat it, too.
posted by motsque at 3:04 PM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I guess I wouldn't be so upset him about driving over a hundred miles to bring his ex a table and spending the night if last week he hadn't backed out of helping me with some heavy boxes that he had offered to move for me. Seems like he might not be over her. And I hate it when people say they'll help and they back out. It makes me think they might be jerks...
Whoa. He backed out of helping you with boxes but will drive over a hundred miles for her when he's been having sex with you? Also, he's been having sex with you at least 2-3 nights a week and said "not yet" to exclusivity? Um, wow. Call a duck a duck, this guy is a jerk and undateable.
posted by anniecat at 4:12 PM on November 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Whoa. He backed out of helping you with boxes but will drive over a hundred miles for her when he's been having sex with you? Also, he's been having sex with you at least 2-3 nights a week and said "not yet" to exclusivity? Um, wow. Call a duck a duck, this guy is a jerk and undateable.
posted by anniecat at 4:12 PM on November 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Sorry, I have one more point:
Holding an exclusivity convo right before he leaves might just drive him into her arms.
In general, it's not your job to "strategize" when trying to work out whether you're in an exclusive relationship or not. He's decided he's not and him sleeping with her isn't going to hinge on how you act. You're not responsible for his behavior and what he decides to do with other women, especially since he probably feels like he can do whatever since he "technically" told you he didn't want to be exclusive yet. That's not the kind of guy most monogamy-seeking women want to be in a relationship with. Let him go bed hopping in a situation you're not near.
posted by anniecat at 4:17 PM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Holding an exclusivity convo right before he leaves might just drive him into her arms.
In general, it's not your job to "strategize" when trying to work out whether you're in an exclusive relationship or not. He's decided he's not and him sleeping with her isn't going to hinge on how you act. You're not responsible for his behavior and what he decides to do with other women, especially since he probably feels like he can do whatever since he "technically" told you he didn't want to be exclusive yet. That's not the kind of guy most monogamy-seeking women want to be in a relationship with. Let him go bed hopping in a situation you're not near.
posted by anniecat at 4:17 PM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Whatever you do, don't refer to him as a jerk again. Cause it doesn't really sound like he is one, and why would you want exclusivity with a guy you think is a jerk?
posted by vito90 at 5:00 PM on November 2, 2010
posted by vito90 at 5:00 PM on November 2, 2010
Best answer: The word I think you are looking for is "cad". A person is the sum of their actions and their words. While technically, if he tells you he is not ready to be exclusive, he then can feel free to sleep with other people, e.g., his ex; in fact if he is sleeping with you 2-3 times a week (and he knows you want exclusivity), he is making an implicit commitment and his actions take advantage of your desire to be with him. The fact that he is not lying to you about his desire to play the field does not make him less of cad.
In any case, yes, phone breakup ok; just be upfront and match your actions to your words (don't sleep with him afterwards/get charmed back into the relationship unless he changes his behavior).
posted by zia at 7:24 PM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
In any case, yes, phone breakup ok; just be upfront and match your actions to your words (don't sleep with him afterwards/get charmed back into the relationship unless he changes his behavior).
posted by zia at 7:24 PM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was going along with those who said that he's not actually a jerk, he's just not the right person for you. He's being honest about not wanting exclusivity and blah blah blah, that doesn't make him a jerk. I agree.
I guess I wouldn't be so upset him about driving over a hundred miles to bring his ex a table and spending the night if last week he hadn't backed out of helping me with some heavy boxes that he had offered to move for me.
This, however, makes him a jerk. Or an ass. Jerk-ass? Actually, jerk-ass sounds more like it. He's a jerk-ass.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 2:40 PM on November 3, 2010
I guess I wouldn't be so upset him about driving over a hundred miles to bring his ex a table and spending the night if last week he hadn't backed out of helping me with some heavy boxes that he had offered to move for me.
This, however, makes him a jerk. Or an ass. Jerk-ass? Actually, jerk-ass sounds more like it. He's a jerk-ass.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 2:40 PM on November 3, 2010
Response by poster: He never answers his phone, so I ended up emailing him saying that we should be friends since it seems he couldn't provide what I need. He replied saying I was right that he couldn't do that and it was perfectly cordial and all that. Seems to have worked out OK. Thanks everyone!
posted by idle at 5:41 AM on November 4, 2010
posted by idle at 5:41 AM on November 4, 2010
Response by poster: He told me he was about to do the "let's just be friends" thing anyway, but the sex was "too good." :/
posted by idle at 5:42 AM on November 4, 2010
posted by idle at 5:42 AM on November 4, 2010
He told me he was about to do the "let's just be friends" thing anyway, but the sex was "too good." :/
Yeah sorry for questioning your instincts that he was a jerk. You definitely hit that nail on the head there.
posted by whoaali at 12:04 PM on November 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah sorry for questioning your instincts that he was a jerk. You definitely hit that nail on the head there.
posted by whoaali at 12:04 PM on November 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by milinar at 11:25 AM on November 2, 2010