She drinks too much...
October 19, 2010 5:44 PM Subscribe
I'm seriously fed up with my girlfriends drinking, I can't take this anymore!
Been in a long term relationship with this girl, I really do love her. Right now we are long distance which actually is way easier than I thought it would be, no problems there.
I do however have a huge problem that she has now taken up drinking. And drinking pretty excessively at that. I don't like to drink and I don't really enjoy going to parties where alcohol is the main draw. When I met my girlfriend I would say she was very much like me in that respect. She suffers from totally unwarranted feelings of inadequacy among her friends and peers, in her mind none of them really like here, so she feels that by drinking she will have more friends or be more involved, or something...
I've tried talking to her about how I feel many times but she always reverses the conversation and makes me feel like a jerk. When I visited her I went out partying with her and some friends. None of her friends drank as much as she did. Nobody was as drunk as she was. By the end of the most of the other girls/guys were a little tipsy but she was DRUNK. At the parties we went too she was the loudest and most obnoxious sounding person there, I was honestly embarrassed to be with her. The worst part was watching her interact with people when we weren't at a party. Strangers and her friends were clearly laughing at her and mocking her behavior.
First the promise was, "Oh, I will only have a couple drinks to relax with friends". Then it became, "Oh, no, I don't want to get drunk all the time! Won't ever happen again". Before morphing into, "I promise, I will never get that sick again!". Well, last night she had to be taken to her University's hospital because she was so drunk. Also, her school has a 3 strikes rule and she has received two citations already for some alcohol related offenses. It isn't even November yet so I think it's pretty likely that she will get that third. If she does her parents will be informed and she will be in jeopardy of losing her housing privileges.
I don't want to be a stick in the mud but I feel like her behavior is destructive and that really upsets me, and I really don't like how she acts when she is drunk. This all makes me feel so fed up and frustrated that sometimes I think about breaking up with her just over this but I do really love her and in all other respects I'd say our relationship is awesome.
Do I just deal with this myself and get over it or do I do something to fix this situation?
Been in a long term relationship with this girl, I really do love her. Right now we are long distance which actually is way easier than I thought it would be, no problems there.
I do however have a huge problem that she has now taken up drinking. And drinking pretty excessively at that. I don't like to drink and I don't really enjoy going to parties where alcohol is the main draw. When I met my girlfriend I would say she was very much like me in that respect. She suffers from totally unwarranted feelings of inadequacy among her friends and peers, in her mind none of them really like here, so she feels that by drinking she will have more friends or be more involved, or something...
I've tried talking to her about how I feel many times but she always reverses the conversation and makes me feel like a jerk. When I visited her I went out partying with her and some friends. None of her friends drank as much as she did. Nobody was as drunk as she was. By the end of the most of the other girls/guys were a little tipsy but she was DRUNK. At the parties we went too she was the loudest and most obnoxious sounding person there, I was honestly embarrassed to be with her. The worst part was watching her interact with people when we weren't at a party. Strangers and her friends were clearly laughing at her and mocking her behavior.
First the promise was, "Oh, I will only have a couple drinks to relax with friends". Then it became, "Oh, no, I don't want to get drunk all the time! Won't ever happen again". Before morphing into, "I promise, I will never get that sick again!". Well, last night she had to be taken to her University's hospital because she was so drunk. Also, her school has a 3 strikes rule and she has received two citations already for some alcohol related offenses. It isn't even November yet so I think it's pretty likely that she will get that third. If she does her parents will be informed and she will be in jeopardy of losing her housing privileges.
I don't want to be a stick in the mud but I feel like her behavior is destructive and that really upsets me, and I really don't like how she acts when she is drunk. This all makes me feel so fed up and frustrated that sometimes I think about breaking up with her just over this but I do really love her and in all other respects I'd say our relationship is awesome.
Do I just deal with this myself and get over it or do I do something to fix this situation?
Life is short and red wine barf smells horrible. Dump her and find a woman with whom you can hang out on mutually agreeable terms without the drama.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 5:53 PM on October 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 5:53 PM on October 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
Unfortunately, you need to move on brother. It is impossible to help someone who doesn't want help. My own history as an alcoholic is strewn with wrecked relationships and shattered opportunities. It will eventually be the sum of all the disasters that may lead her to see the future, but for now the best thing you can do for her is abandon her. It will start the cycle of despair. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is serious.
As for yourself, learn about Al-Anon. Go to some of their meetings. They are there to help people cope with having loved ones who are problem drinkers. All my best wishes for you, and for her.
posted by netbros at 5:54 PM on October 19, 2010 [6 favorites]
As for yourself, learn about Al-Anon. Go to some of their meetings. They are there to help people cope with having loved ones who are problem drinkers. All my best wishes for you, and for her.
posted by netbros at 5:54 PM on October 19, 2010 [6 favorites]
You need to tell her what you told us...
That you're worried about her behavior. You're concerned she's going to get in trouble, get kicked out of school, etc.
... but also that when you came out to visit... it was embarassing to be with her.
That she has promised you she wouldn't do it, wouldn't do it so much, wouldn't do it so intensely and she has continually broken those promises and pushed the boundaries wide open.
You can ask her to stop and maybe she will / maybe she won't.
But you have absolutely every right to tell her you don't want to be in a relationship with a person who is behaving this way.
You can't 'fix' her. But you can let her know these things and hopefully she will make herself aware that she may be at in the beginning stages (or later?) of having a drinking problem.
posted by mittenbex at 5:55 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
That you're worried about her behavior. You're concerned she's going to get in trouble, get kicked out of school, etc.
... but also that when you came out to visit... it was embarassing to be with her.
That she has promised you she wouldn't do it, wouldn't do it so much, wouldn't do it so intensely and she has continually broken those promises and pushed the boundaries wide open.
You can ask her to stop and maybe she will / maybe she won't.
But you have absolutely every right to tell her you don't want to be in a relationship with a person who is behaving this way.
You can't 'fix' her. But you can let her know these things and hopefully she will make herself aware that she may be at in the beginning stages (or later?) of having a drinking problem.
posted by mittenbex at 5:55 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was heavy boozer. Never had accident and never messed up my job. Got fairly unpleasant with my 2nd marriage. Wife said: either you stop drinking or I go. I stopped drinking. Have not had drink now for many years and I buy wine for my wife and sit with others while they drink in bar or restaurant and no longer am even slightly interested in drinking. Lots of luck. You decide what you need to do. But as noted, only the drinker can decide what to do.
posted by Postroad at 6:01 PM on October 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Postroad at 6:01 PM on October 19, 2010 [5 favorites]
sounds like you are young enough to be able to move on.
also, have you considered the possibility that when drunk she might hook up with other guys?
I say it's not worth it to stick around and a nice guy like you seem to be would have better options.
posted by spacefire at 6:07 PM on October 19, 2010
also, have you considered the possibility that when drunk she might hook up with other guys?
I say it's not worth it to stick around and a nice guy like you seem to be would have better options.
posted by spacefire at 6:07 PM on October 19, 2010
I'll agree with the other posters that you can't ever control her drinking, and that it's something she has to choose for herself. This is clearly an issue for you, so you need to let her know that. She may be looking for a reason to stop (though it doesn't sound like it). She may react badly to your bringing it up, and then it's up to you whether or not it's a deal breaker for you.
Something to keep in mind is that this may (hopefully) be a temporary thing. I have a few friends to whom alcohol seemed to offer some magical mix of confidence and energy and (perceived) popularity right at a time when they needed it most. These people behaved much like your girlfriend, but after a year or two of similar excess they settled down to the point where they could drink happily without going overboard. I'm not sure if your girlfriend's in the same boat, but it's something to keep in mind.
posted by twirlypen at 6:19 PM on October 19, 2010
Something to keep in mind is that this may (hopefully) be a temporary thing. I have a few friends to whom alcohol seemed to offer some magical mix of confidence and energy and (perceived) popularity right at a time when they needed it most. These people behaved much like your girlfriend, but after a year or two of similar excess they settled down to the point where they could drink happily without going overboard. I'm not sure if your girlfriend's in the same boat, but it's something to keep in mind.
posted by twirlypen at 6:19 PM on October 19, 2010
With all due respect, you say she's in college — are you guys freshmen? Because if so, this sounds like, if not 100% normal freshman behavior, not entirely abnormal. The hospital stuff is worrying. Either way, you're young, dump her, move on. You don't like drinkers, find someone who doesn't drink. If you're seriously concerned, have a chat with her about why you're doing so.
posted by good day merlock at 6:19 PM on October 19, 2010 [25 favorites]
posted by good day merlock at 6:19 PM on October 19, 2010 [25 favorites]
I agree with what many others have said -- you can't fix her, etc.
On the other hand, I do want to remind people that we are talking about college students here -- quite possibly college freshmen. The woman's drinking habits are not good, no question, but the stupid drinking of a 17 year old suddenly cut loose from home is not obviously, not always, genuine alcoholism.
On preview: what good day merlock said.
posted by kestrel251 at 6:24 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, I do want to remind people that we are talking about college students here -- quite possibly college freshmen. The woman's drinking habits are not good, no question, but the stupid drinking of a 17 year old suddenly cut loose from home is not obviously, not always, genuine alcoholism.
On preview: what good day merlock said.
posted by kestrel251 at 6:24 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
With all due respect, you say she's in college — are you guys freshmen? Because if so, this sounds like, if not 100% normal freshman behavior, not entirely abnormal. The hospital stuff is worrying. Either way, you're young, dump her, move on. You don't like drinkers, find someone who doesn't drink. If you're seriously concerned, have a chat with her about why you're doing so.
^
this
posted by lakersfan1222 at 6:27 PM on October 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
^
this
posted by lakersfan1222 at 6:27 PM on October 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yeah, Al-Anon is a great organisation for alcohol abusers and their loved ones. I've known people that get confused about the similarly named Alco-non and Narco-non (which are Scientology-based) so be sure you get Al-Anon.
posted by holloway at 6:28 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by holloway at 6:28 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Her actions nearly scream alcoholic. The lies, excuses and increasingly destructive behavior are all hallmarks.
No matter how much you love her, you probably can't help her get better, especially at a distance. End this relationship and tell her parents everything you know.
posted by Gin and Comics at 6:30 PM on October 19, 2010
No matter how much you love her, you probably can't help her get better, especially at a distance. End this relationship and tell her parents everything you know.
posted by Gin and Comics at 6:30 PM on October 19, 2010
Until your fourth paragraph, I could have written this about my ex boyfriend. Add to it the level of EXTREME OBNOXIOUSNESS of pulling a complete 180 in his views of drinking during the time that I knew him. When we met (at the beginning of college) he was all "straightedge" and would have me draw big Xs on his hands before going to concerts and parties, never mind that he looked like a total toolbag. And then, when he turned 21 (convenient, huh?) he started hanging out with a different group of people, all of whom drank heavily, so he felt he needed to drink to fit in. And then he needed to get drunk to be comfortable with them. And then...and so on.
My biggest problem was his complete abandoning of his previously-so-dear-to-him values in favor of being the cool kid, but him being drunk/hungover frequently bothered me, too.
Long story short, ex-boyfriend is ex-boyfriend for a number of reasons, this being one of them. You force people to change their behavior, and anyone who acts flippant when you approach them with your concerns is not someone you are in "an awesome relationship" with. Dump her, tell her why you're dumping her, and go find someone who won't puke in your bed in the middle of the night.
It sucks a lot, yes, but you just need to end it. Good luck.
posted by phunniemee at 6:37 PM on October 19, 2010
My biggest problem was his complete abandoning of his previously-so-dear-to-him values in favor of being the cool kid, but him being drunk/hungover frequently bothered me, too.
Long story short, ex-boyfriend is ex-boyfriend for a number of reasons, this being one of them. You force people to change their behavior, and anyone who acts flippant when you approach them with your concerns is not someone you are in "an awesome relationship" with. Dump her, tell her why you're dumping her, and go find someone who won't puke in your bed in the middle of the night.
It sucks a lot, yes, but you just need to end it. Good luck.
posted by phunniemee at 6:37 PM on October 19, 2010
You *can't* force people to change their behavior...
posted by phunniemee at 6:39 PM on October 19, 2010
posted by phunniemee at 6:39 PM on October 19, 2010
Her actions nearly scream alcoholic.
Yeah, either that or young person cutting loose and leaning how drink works
It's ultimatum time - but it's long distance so you have no way of knowing. nth saying move on.
posted by the noob at 6:40 PM on October 19, 2010
Yeah, either that or young person cutting loose and leaning how drink works
It's ultimatum time - but it's long distance so you have no way of knowing. nth saying move on.
posted by the noob at 6:40 PM on October 19, 2010
With all due respect, you say she's in college — are you guys freshmen? Because if so, this sounds like, if not 100% normal freshman behavior, not entirely abnormal. The hospital stuff is worrying. Either way, you're young, dump her, move on. You don't like drinkers, find someone who doesn't drink. If you're seriously concerned, have a chat with her about why you're doing so.
Being the most drunk person at a college party is not normal. It is, in fact, entirely abnormal.
Her actions nearly scream alcoholic.
Yeah, either that or young person cutting loose and leaning how drink works
Cutting loose is having a few drinks. Not getting pukey drunk. That is substance abuse, every time. You don't learn how to drive by going 130 mph your first time behind the wheel.
...
The people who say "you can't change anyone else's behavior" are right. You can only encourage and support. If that doesn't work, you have to decide whether your feelings for her are stronger than your dislike of her behavior.
posted by gjc at 6:49 PM on October 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
Being the most drunk person at a college party is not normal. It is, in fact, entirely abnormal.
Her actions nearly scream alcoholic.
Yeah, either that or young person cutting loose and leaning how drink works
Cutting loose is having a few drinks. Not getting pukey drunk. That is substance abuse, every time. You don't learn how to drive by going 130 mph your first time behind the wheel.
...
The people who say "you can't change anyone else's behavior" are right. You can only encourage and support. If that doesn't work, you have to decide whether your feelings for her are stronger than your dislike of her behavior.
posted by gjc at 6:49 PM on October 19, 2010 [4 favorites]
Maybe you could ask her more about why she's drinking? You've suggested it might be an insecurity thing, but there are many stages of happy-tipsy-very tipsy-drunk and one's motivations for drinking more can be different for each stage. People drink and put up with the stuff afterwards for many different kinds of reasons. Maybe she could show/tell you what she likes about it?
Nthing the idea that she sounds like a not unnormal college student. If so, perhaps you could think of this more as a new hobby rather than, as people are suggesting, an illness. In which case, you're in a situation of (a) getting involved in the hobby in some way, by getting wasted with her, say, or other ways of learning to enjoy drunk people and your drunk gf (you get to say and do dumb stuff too! people will laugh! awesome!); (b) giving her space for her hobby so that it affects you less -- don't go out with her when she's drinking, head towards some demarcation of drinking / non-drinking activities / groups; or (c) as you seem to be saying, her committment to her hobby is not cool for your relationship, and either you guys work a way to change it or you need to split up.
posted by squishles at 6:52 PM on October 19, 2010
Nthing the idea that she sounds like a not unnormal college student. If so, perhaps you could think of this more as a new hobby rather than, as people are suggesting, an illness. In which case, you're in a situation of (a) getting involved in the hobby in some way, by getting wasted with her, say, or other ways of learning to enjoy drunk people and your drunk gf (you get to say and do dumb stuff too! people will laugh! awesome!); (b) giving her space for her hobby so that it affects you less -- don't go out with her when she's drinking, head towards some demarcation of drinking / non-drinking activities / groups; or (c) as you seem to be saying, her committment to her hobby is not cool for your relationship, and either you guys work a way to change it or you need to split up.
posted by squishles at 6:52 PM on October 19, 2010
You should break up with her, because she conducts her life in a way that's incompatible with the way you want to conduct yours. And because it seems from your question like this is a high school relationship that has gone long-distance because you're both freshmen in college, and those relationships rarely stay healthy.
But when you do break up with her, try to stress that the reason you're doing it is that the two of you are no longer compatible. While it sounds like she has some control problems, this kind of behavior is not that unusual in a college student - it certainly doesn't necessarily indicate alcoholism. You can and should tell her that you're worried about her. But your breakup conversation is not the place to deliver a sermon on alcohol, and the second you break up with her, you lose the right to have any opinion on how she lives her life. So just be sure that you tell her you're breaking up because the two of you don't work anymore, and not because there's something wrong with her now.
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:56 PM on October 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
But when you do break up with her, try to stress that the reason you're doing it is that the two of you are no longer compatible. While it sounds like she has some control problems, this kind of behavior is not that unusual in a college student - it certainly doesn't necessarily indicate alcoholism. You can and should tell her that you're worried about her. But your breakup conversation is not the place to deliver a sermon on alcohol, and the second you break up with her, you lose the right to have any opinion on how she lives her life. So just be sure that you tell her you're breaking up because the two of you don't work anymore, and not because there's something wrong with her now.
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:56 PM on October 19, 2010 [2 favorites]
This sounds like typical early college alcohol abuse to me, too. Which is not to say that it can't develop into alcoholism, but I saw plenty of people (including myself) waaaaay overdo it multiple times before learning their limits and having healthier relationships with booze.
It sounds as though your girlfriend may be drinking as a coping mechanism for some social anxiety. Depression and social anxiety are common among freshmen, and a lot of it has to do with being in a new environment with new, unfamiliar people and circumstances. If your girlfriend already had a negative self-image, she's probably even worse off now that she doesn't have the support system she had at home. In addition to urging her to seek help controlling her alcohol abuse, you might want to suggest she speak with a counselor about her anxiety about fitting in.
posted by me3dia at 6:58 PM on October 19, 2010
It sounds as though your girlfriend may be drinking as a coping mechanism for some social anxiety. Depression and social anxiety are common among freshmen, and a lot of it has to do with being in a new environment with new, unfamiliar people and circumstances. If your girlfriend already had a negative self-image, she's probably even worse off now that she doesn't have the support system she had at home. In addition to urging her to seek help controlling her alcohol abuse, you might want to suggest she speak with a counselor about her anxiety about fitting in.
posted by me3dia at 6:58 PM on October 19, 2010
Her behavior is not acceptable to you and you are considering breaking up with her over it, so you need to have that conversation with her. She will decide whether she would rather be with you or continue drinking. It's a perfectly reasonable course to take.
That said, she sounds like a whole lot of people I knew in college. Unfortunately, by demonizing alcohol to children, our society has created a lot of kids who go off to school and suddenly have access to a drug that they know nothing about. For some people, it takes a year or two of drinking to the point of being sick (or hospitalized) until they figure out how to drink in moderation or give it up entirely. Maybe you don't want to put up with her while she goes through that crazy time, that's okay. But try to understand that she's probably not an alcoholic (yet) and just trying to fit in and make new friends.
posted by coupdefoudre at 7:13 PM on October 19, 2010
That said, she sounds like a whole lot of people I knew in college. Unfortunately, by demonizing alcohol to children, our society has created a lot of kids who go off to school and suddenly have access to a drug that they know nothing about. For some people, it takes a year or two of drinking to the point of being sick (or hospitalized) until they figure out how to drink in moderation or give it up entirely. Maybe you don't want to put up with her while she goes through that crazy time, that's okay. But try to understand that she's probably not an alcoholic (yet) and just trying to fit in and make new friends.
posted by coupdefoudre at 7:13 PM on October 19, 2010
Do I just deal with this myself and get over it or do I do something to fix this situation?
Just "getting over it" is out of the question. You can either break up with her now, or have a serious talk where you send the message that you're thinking about it.
Just to warn you, though, one person in a relationship telling the other person "I can't tolerate your substance abuse; you need to use that substance much less" is really unlikely to go over well. (And I'm sure you'd put it more tactfully than that.) There's so much potential to set up a dynamic where you're paternalistically overseeing her, and she has the choice of either doing what you want (but being resentful and feeling like she isn't having enough fun) or staying with the status quo (and feeling naughty and rebellious). I wouldn't blame you if you decided to just cut to the chase and break up so that you don't even need to go through that.
My guess is that you should, and will, break up. You're extremely unhappy and unnerved about her regular behavior. She's clearly shown she's unwilling to change (the cycle of broken promises, that 2nd citation, etc.). Maybe having a Serious Talk will lead to a turnaround in her behavior, but I doubt it. Sorry.
posted by John Cohen at 7:53 PM on October 19, 2010
Just "getting over it" is out of the question. You can either break up with her now, or have a serious talk where you send the message that you're thinking about it.
Just to warn you, though, one person in a relationship telling the other person "I can't tolerate your substance abuse; you need to use that substance much less" is really unlikely to go over well. (And I'm sure you'd put it more tactfully than that.) There's so much potential to set up a dynamic where you're paternalistically overseeing her, and she has the choice of either doing what you want (but being resentful and feeling like she isn't having enough fun) or staying with the status quo (and feeling naughty and rebellious). I wouldn't blame you if you decided to just cut to the chase and break up so that you don't even need to go through that.
My guess is that you should, and will, break up. You're extremely unhappy and unnerved about her regular behavior. She's clearly shown she's unwilling to change (the cycle of broken promises, that 2nd citation, etc.). Maybe having a Serious Talk will lead to a turnaround in her behavior, but I doubt it. Sorry.
posted by John Cohen at 7:53 PM on October 19, 2010
One more thing, in response to the "but what if she's in college" view. (I'm going to assume she's in college since you haven't specified anyone's age or occupation.) If the "she's in college" point helps you be a little more understanding of her, that's fine. But don't feel like you're obligated to have this reaction. It's fine to have your own preferences and stick to them. After all, you don't have to be with her; there's some other woman out there who isn't a heavy drinker who you could hit it off with. Every day, you're deciding to stay with your girlfriend rather than look for that other woman. If you strongly prefer a partner who doesn't engage in this level of heavy drinking, that's your right, no matter what the norms of your girlfriend's milieu are.
posted by John Cohen at 8:00 PM on October 19, 2010
posted by John Cohen at 8:00 PM on October 19, 2010
First of all, whenever anyone has a question with a problem with a significant other there will always be a percentage of "dump them!" responses. Ponder this, then decide where you stand. If you truly love this person - or even just care a little about what happens to them - then you might look into seeing what's going on.
Yes, many college folk get into drinking at some point. However when someone changes from a "no, I don't enjoy parties where people drink just to get drunk" to "YES! Let's drink a LOT and OFTEN" etc. - yeah, that's a definite sign something has changed. It can be - though not always - a sign that there's some other problem, and since you know her well enough to know her insecurity, it's a good idea to find out more. It's a good idea to talk to someone with Al-Anon, just to find out the answers to "what should I ask" and "how can I best help?" This may just be a reaction to stress - college is extremely stressful, and many people learn (often wrongly) that drinking is a dandy way to blow off steam. What they often don't know - and if they don't have good friends who will tell them - is that it can make them a different person, one who isn't really fun to be around. Unless you're another drunk person, in which case you might not notice you're surrounded by obnoxiousness.
Where am I getting this? I myself was the VERY drunk person who came back from a half year study abroad able to drink a LOT of vodka (the joy of building up a tolerance), and who'd become a very different drunk person than my friends had known previously. They were worried and confronted me. Annoyingly I decided to get all defensive (which is why I thought of it as confrontation rather then just caring and worried, as I now see it) and say I was just fine, dammit - etc. etc. But they were right, and I quietly worked on drinking less. Oh and I should add that I have more than one major alcoholic in my pool of relatives. (And not happy, television-sitcom-type drunks either.) And because of them went to an Al-Anon meeting early on. Not that this kept me from getting into my heavy drinking phase. (I still adore a good Guinness or a snakebite. I just don't have them too often or in vast quantity.)
Be careful how you approach her, but emphasize the worry and the caring part. Even if you do break up with her - you'll feel much less guilty looking back on this if you tell her her drinking behavior concerns you. It may be the first hint she has that she may need to think about it. Sometimes college folk get so used to "everyone drinks, it's fun, yay" that they don't always question whether certain behavior is healthy.
posted by batgrlHG at 8:39 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, many college folk get into drinking at some point. However when someone changes from a "no, I don't enjoy parties where people drink just to get drunk" to "YES! Let's drink a LOT and OFTEN" etc. - yeah, that's a definite sign something has changed. It can be - though not always - a sign that there's some other problem, and since you know her well enough to know her insecurity, it's a good idea to find out more. It's a good idea to talk to someone with Al-Anon, just to find out the answers to "what should I ask" and "how can I best help?" This may just be a reaction to stress - college is extremely stressful, and many people learn (often wrongly) that drinking is a dandy way to blow off steam. What they often don't know - and if they don't have good friends who will tell them - is that it can make them a different person, one who isn't really fun to be around. Unless you're another drunk person, in which case you might not notice you're surrounded by obnoxiousness.
Where am I getting this? I myself was the VERY drunk person who came back from a half year study abroad able to drink a LOT of vodka (the joy of building up a tolerance), and who'd become a very different drunk person than my friends had known previously. They were worried and confronted me. Annoyingly I decided to get all defensive (which is why I thought of it as confrontation rather then just caring and worried, as I now see it) and say I was just fine, dammit - etc. etc. But they were right, and I quietly worked on drinking less. Oh and I should add that I have more than one major alcoholic in my pool of relatives. (And not happy, television-sitcom-type drunks either.) And because of them went to an Al-Anon meeting early on. Not that this kept me from getting into my heavy drinking phase. (I still adore a good Guinness or a snakebite. I just don't have them too often or in vast quantity.)
Be careful how you approach her, but emphasize the worry and the caring part. Even if you do break up with her - you'll feel much less guilty looking back on this if you tell her her drinking behavior concerns you. It may be the first hint she has that she may need to think about it. Sometimes college folk get so used to "everyone drinks, it's fun, yay" that they don't always question whether certain behavior is healthy.
posted by batgrlHG at 8:39 PM on October 19, 2010 [1 favorite]
I went through a phase last year like that. I was sickeningly drunk three-four times a week.
I was also nearly suicidally depressed, stressed out of my mind, and desperately in need of something that turned my brain off for a few hours.
My husband was very distressed, but there was nothing he could do to help me. I had to get to a place where I didn't need that crutch, or think I needed that crutch.
Now, I have a couple of glasses of wine when I'm out. Sometimes more, but nothing like at the previous levels. I enjoy getting drunk once in a while - but it's once in a while, not every second day.
posted by ysabet at 9:11 PM on October 19, 2010
I was also nearly suicidally depressed, stressed out of my mind, and desperately in need of something that turned my brain off for a few hours.
My husband was very distressed, but there was nothing he could do to help me. I had to get to a place where I didn't need that crutch, or think I needed that crutch.
Now, I have a couple of glasses of wine when I'm out. Sometimes more, but nothing like at the previous levels. I enjoy getting drunk once in a while - but it's once in a while, not every second day.
posted by ysabet at 9:11 PM on October 19, 2010
I've tried talking to her about how I feel many times but she always reverses the conversation and makes me feel like a jerk. When I visited her I went out partying with her and some friends. None of her friends drank as much as she did. Nobody was as drunk as she was. By the end of the most of the other girls/guys were a little tipsy but she was DRUNK. At the parties we went too she was the loudest and most obnoxious sounding person there, I was honestly embarrassed to be with her. The worst part was watching her interact with people when we weren't at a party. Strangers and her friends were clearly laughing at her and mocking her behavior.
Sit her down, and tell her you want to say something important, and you would appreciate it if she'd let you finish before responding. Then say: "I've tried talking to you about how I feel about your drinking many times, but you always reverse the conversation and make me feel like a jerk. When I visited and we went out partying, nobody drank as much as you, nobody was as drunk as you were, and by the end of the night you were the only one who was really, really drunk. When you're drunk, you're loud and obnoxious, and I'm embarrassed to be with you. The worst part was watching you interact with people when you're drunk; not only are strangers laughing at you and making fun of you, but so are your friends. I love you, but I can't be in a relationship with you if this is the way you're going to behave. You need to get help, and fast, and I can't make you do it -- only you can. I hope you do it, and do it soon, for your sake."
Then move on. Honestly. You can't protect someone from themselves, and if you don't draw the line firmly and get out, you'll just end up enabling her behavior. Hopefully what you say and you leaving will be a wake-up call, and perhaps when she bitches to her friends about what a jerk you were, they'll step up and say, "yes, well, actually, he's right."
posted by davejay at 10:45 PM on October 19, 2010
Sit her down, and tell her you want to say something important, and you would appreciate it if she'd let you finish before responding. Then say: "I've tried talking to you about how I feel about your drinking many times, but you always reverse the conversation and make me feel like a jerk. When I visited and we went out partying, nobody drank as much as you, nobody was as drunk as you were, and by the end of the night you were the only one who was really, really drunk. When you're drunk, you're loud and obnoxious, and I'm embarrassed to be with you. The worst part was watching you interact with people when you're drunk; not only are strangers laughing at you and making fun of you, but so are your friends. I love you, but I can't be in a relationship with you if this is the way you're going to behave. You need to get help, and fast, and I can't make you do it -- only you can. I hope you do it, and do it soon, for your sake."
Then move on. Honestly. You can't protect someone from themselves, and if you don't draw the line firmly and get out, you'll just end up enabling her behavior. Hopefully what you say and you leaving will be a wake-up call, and perhaps when she bitches to her friends about what a jerk you were, they'll step up and say, "yes, well, actually, he's right."
posted by davejay at 10:45 PM on October 19, 2010
If she's a college freshman she may also be getting drunk off a very few drinks. I certainly had friends who would down two Bud Lites and lose. their. minds. freshman year. They also weighed 85 pounds and had never had a drink before. They grew out of it.
posted by fshgrl at 10:54 PM on October 19, 2010
posted by fshgrl at 10:54 PM on October 19, 2010
Well, it sounds like she's a college freshman. Discovering alcohol is a part of the freshman experience for many, many people (yes, even former high school members of SADD CAN morph into people who enjoy alcohol, if their access to alcohol and their social circle changes enough). With time and more experience, she may become a better drunk (that is, if she manages not to get that third citation - ruh-roh).
That being said, it does not sound like you even really like her all that much at this point, never mind loving her. I say just dumping her and moving on might be the best thing for you since your patience with her is clearly wearing thin. Remember, there's someone out there for you with all of this woman's good qualities and none of her issues.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 11:38 PM on October 19, 2010
That being said, it does not sound like you even really like her all that much at this point, never mind loving her. I say just dumping her and moving on might be the best thing for you since your patience with her is clearly wearing thin. Remember, there's someone out there for you with all of this woman's good qualities and none of her issues.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 11:38 PM on October 19, 2010
All right, I'm going to try to take a shot in the dark here.
Maybe you're a little bit jealous or worried? After all, she has discovered partying and you miss the days when she wasn't partying. Additionally, you mention you don't like drinking or alcohol-based parties so you may be interpreting her drunkenness more harshly.
Do you feel afraid you two are drifting apart?
Anyway, it's obvious that receiving citations means she's taking it too far.
posted by just.good.enough at 1:45 AM on October 20, 2010
Maybe you're a little bit jealous or worried? After all, she has discovered partying and you miss the days when she wasn't partying. Additionally, you mention you don't like drinking or alcohol-based parties so you may be interpreting her drunkenness more harshly.
Do you feel afraid you two are drifting apart?
Anyway, it's obvious that receiving citations means she's taking it too far.
posted by just.good.enough at 1:45 AM on October 20, 2010
What worked for me? The other anachronism and one of our close friends saying "you hurt yourself when you drink and we miss the real you and we don't like the person the drink makes you become".
Did it suck to be told that? Mightily. Did it hurt? Like you wouldn't believe. Did I stop drinking? Not entirely. But I gained an awareness. I cut back and changed my habits and now I rarely drink and when I do I have a spotter who makes sure I'm not finishing that third cocktail in gulps and I'm not going for the fourth drink in an hour.
(I also got pregnant and breastfed but that doesn't work for everyone!)
posted by geek anachronism at 3:27 AM on October 20, 2010
Did it suck to be told that? Mightily. Did it hurt? Like you wouldn't believe. Did I stop drinking? Not entirely. But I gained an awareness. I cut back and changed my habits and now I rarely drink and when I do I have a spotter who makes sure I'm not finishing that third cocktail in gulps and I'm not going for the fourth drink in an hour.
(I also got pregnant and breastfed but that doesn't work for everyone!)
posted by geek anachronism at 3:27 AM on October 20, 2010
Anyway, it's obvious that receiving citations means she's taking it too far.
Not entirely. Colleges will hand out these citations to people who aren't even drinking, they just have to be in the presence of alcohol (this happened to me many moons ago). Since she's ending up in the hospital, that is a sign she's taking it too far.
I'm nthing the "sounds like a typical college freshman doing what a freshman does" type of thing. However, we still need to be careful, because some freshmen will take it too far and actually end up dying.
It sounds to me like you're experiencing what most people who try to stay together with their high school sweethearts experience in terms of drifting apart after high school. People change dramatically between the ages of 18 and 22. I would let her go.
posted by King Bee at 5:07 AM on October 20, 2010
Not entirely. Colleges will hand out these citations to people who aren't even drinking, they just have to be in the presence of alcohol (this happened to me many moons ago). Since she's ending up in the hospital, that is a sign she's taking it too far.
I'm nthing the "sounds like a typical college freshman doing what a freshman does" type of thing. However, we still need to be careful, because some freshmen will take it too far and actually end up dying.
It sounds to me like you're experiencing what most people who try to stay together with their high school sweethearts experience in terms of drifting apart after high school. People change dramatically between the ages of 18 and 22. I would let her go.
posted by King Bee at 5:07 AM on October 20, 2010
I'm an emergency physician who's worked in a town with several colleges for the past 3 years. Yeah, there is the occasional freshman who drinks too much, usually we'll get a few on a holiday, but to say that it's a 'normal occurrence' for college students to have to go to the hospital because of excessive alcohol intake seems like a stretch to me.
Even when I was a college student myself, I've only ever encountered one person who had such excessive alcohol intake that medical help was sought by the other partiers. He was a small kid, a freshman fraternity rushee, and was trying to drink to keep up with the big boys. Went to plenty of frat parties and that was the only time. Maybe I just led a sheltered college existence, but this doesn't sound normal to me.
p.s. to the OP, which is worse, you getting serious with her about her problem, or her losing her housing and getting in deep trouble with her parents when she gets the 3rd citation? You are not a stick in the mud. You are a true friend who is trying to help her do the right thing. If she can't see that, she is not going to see the light.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:24 AM on October 20, 2010
Even when I was a college student myself, I've only ever encountered one person who had such excessive alcohol intake that medical help was sought by the other partiers. He was a small kid, a freshman fraternity rushee, and was trying to drink to keep up with the big boys. Went to plenty of frat parties and that was the only time. Maybe I just led a sheltered college existence, but this doesn't sound normal to me.
p.s. to the OP, which is worse, you getting serious with her about her problem, or her losing her housing and getting in deep trouble with her parents when she gets the 3rd citation? You are not a stick in the mud. You are a true friend who is trying to help her do the right thing. If she can't see that, she is not going to see the light.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:24 AM on October 20, 2010
I'm basing this advice on the inference that you are both college students, possibly high school sweethearts now college freshmen, though it still applies if she's going through some kind of delayed adolescence.
People often change a LOT between, say, 17 and 23. It sounds like your girlfriend has changed. It's entirely possible the specific changes are context-dependent and will fade away as her context changes. The person she was when you got together was also context dependent, and not necessarily any more the "real" her. It's VASTLY likely that the person she will be at 23 will be nothing like the person she is right now. It's entirely possible that the person she will be at 23 will find the person she is now just as embarrassing as you do.
But. . . she's not going to change back into the person she was at 16/17/senior in high school. If you continue this relationship, you're basically taking a flyer that the next iteration on her process of self-discovery will be a person you want to be with, and who wants to be with you.
Also: Sometimes, people are embarrassed by people who stuck by them at embarrassing times in their lives. Don't assume that if she comes out of this with a healthy relationship with alcohol, that she will stick by you for sticking by her. She might dump your ass for sticking by her.
Data point: I spent 5 years in undergrad, I drank and my friends drank, and this doesn't sound like anyone I knew in college or at any time in my life (who wasn't an acknowledged alcoholic).
posted by endless_forms at 8:32 AM on October 20, 2010
People often change a LOT between, say, 17 and 23. It sounds like your girlfriend has changed. It's entirely possible the specific changes are context-dependent and will fade away as her context changes. The person she was when you got together was also context dependent, and not necessarily any more the "real" her. It's VASTLY likely that the person she will be at 23 will be nothing like the person she is right now. It's entirely possible that the person she will be at 23 will find the person she is now just as embarrassing as you do.
But. . . she's not going to change back into the person she was at 16/17/senior in high school. If you continue this relationship, you're basically taking a flyer that the next iteration on her process of self-discovery will be a person you want to be with, and who wants to be with you.
Also: Sometimes, people are embarrassed by people who stuck by them at embarrassing times in their lives. Don't assume that if she comes out of this with a healthy relationship with alcohol, that she will stick by you for sticking by her. She might dump your ass for sticking by her.
Data point: I spent 5 years in undergrad, I drank and my friends drank, and this doesn't sound like anyone I knew in college or at any time in my life (who wasn't an acknowledged alcoholic).
posted by endless_forms at 8:32 AM on October 20, 2010
It sounds like your girlfriend keeps drinking because the consequences of it are actually less frightening to her than the prospect of not drinking. That's what needs to be addressed, and to some extent you need to understand that even if you don't agree with what she's doing. I had pretty bad social anxiety in college and probably would rarely have gone out my freshman year if it hadn't been for the lubrication of alcohol. At the time I thought I was just broken -- it didn't even occur to me that it was possible to seek help for social anxiety. I think the best thing you can do is make sure your girlfriend knows there are other ways of dealing with her anxiety, and she doesn't have to do it alone, especially because you'll be there to help her through the process. She may choose to continue to deal with it in this self-destructive way, but she'll at least know that other options are out there.
posted by spinto at 8:46 AM on October 20, 2010
posted by spinto at 8:46 AM on October 20, 2010
Out of personal experience - she's an alcoholic. no question about it. You can accept that fact and seek treatment and control (there is no escape) or you can leave. Your choice. No, it isn't easy. Millions of people have been thru this with varying degrees of success. But you really are the one in control of you. Al Anon for further details.
posted by ptm at 5:57 PM on October 20, 2010
posted by ptm at 5:57 PM on October 20, 2010
Because if so, this sounds like, if not 100% normal freshman behavior, not entirely abnormal.
I don't know how things are where you live, but the only people who I know who were waking up in hospital from alcohol abuse at 17 were the ones who, surprise surprise, turned out to be alcoholics.
posted by rodgerd at 1:11 AM on October 21, 2010
I don't know how things are where you live, but the only people who I know who were waking up in hospital from alcohol abuse at 17 were the ones who, surprise surprise, turned out to be alcoholics.
posted by rodgerd at 1:11 AM on October 21, 2010
i think there's a big difference between normal college drinking, and consistently being the drunkest one at the party. as in, think those in the latter group don't ever fully outgrow their party habits. (based on my personal experiences anyway. i'm about 5 years out of college and the kids who were always the drunkest at the party then, are really struggling now.)
posted by lblair at 4:30 PM on October 22, 2010
posted by lblair at 4:30 PM on October 22, 2010
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