I swear, if I hear "So what's your major?" one more time...!

October 17, 2010 8:28 PM

I'm sure other people have this problem: What to talk about the SECOND, or THIRD time you see a person you've met?

So, I'm 19, female, and I have reason to believe I may not appear particularly approachable to strangers. Anyway, I've been going to my synagogue for a while and I find myself in a slightly awkward position on Saturday mornings after the service (when everyone gathers in the social hall and eats salad and stuff...I just sit anywhere and invariably someone comes and sits near me because there aren't that many tables. There are always only about 20 people present, and they all know each other). I've been going long enough for people to recognize me, and I've answered "So, where do you go to school?" one too many times. But the problem is that now that I know these people, but don't really know them, we've run out of things to talk about. The first time you meet someone, you can get away with this type of small talk, but the second and third time, there's not really much biographical information left to uncover; nor have you built a base of interesting commonalities to bring up.

As you might imagine, everyone is about 20-30 years older than me...so it's not like we have a natural array of things in common. And I can't really barge into interesting conversations, because I'm still that teenager who awkwardly neither fits in at the children's table nor the adults' table, and worse, I really have no idea what's fair game for conversation that works across a generational divide. I mean, (almost) everyone is endlessly nice to me...we're just running out of things to talk about, and last Saturday I was pretty much stuck at the Silent Table...which made me think of this question. Any ideas?

posted by lhude sing cuccu to Society & Culture (20 answers total)

If you just want to have people talking and enjoying themselves ask about theirs kids (or grand kids). They'll be more than happy to regale you with stories each and every week.

You can also try current events and sports.
posted by oddman at 8:32 PM on October 17, 2010

I like to ask people what else they have planned for the weekend.
posted by anderjen at 8:37 PM on October 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

After you've learned who they are and what they do, ask them how their week was. Or day. Or where they got that jacket. Or if they've heard from their kid at college. Or their job. Or their hobby. Something about them personally. People really do love to talk about what they go through and what they care about and, if they're really into the particular subject at hand, their answers are often interesting. And they'll love you for listening.
posted by Superfrankenstein at 8:38 PM on October 17, 2010

Television or books.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:39 PM on October 17, 2010

One of the best resources I've ever come across when it comes to navigating awkward social situations is "How To Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. From it I've learned one key thing: most people love to talk about themselves. Ask about whether or not they've been attending this particular synagogue for their entire life. Ask about their children, their grandchildren. Compliment them on their outfit, their hair, etc. Just be interested, and listen well. Once you get on a roll the conversation can take its course from there. :)
posted by patronuscharms at 8:44 PM on October 17, 2010 [2 favorites]

Can you talk to them about programs at the synagogue? What are their traditions? Are there charities that they always support? What is the history of the synagogue, and the Jewish community in the town? Who meets for minyan? That's all stuff I'd want to know, if I was joining a new congregation.
posted by pickypicky at 8:48 PM on October 17, 2010

You have it all wrong, peers are hard to talk to and old people are great. Peers have way more social consequences then older people and so conversations can bite you in the ass later. Not true of people outside your generation.

I am not old yet and have had a lifetime of awkward moments and long pauses. To prevent this I carry with me a mental tool kit designed for such occasions. I have stories and contributions to most topics and several ready to start conversations. Everyone does something worth talking about at least once a week, this can be anything from did you see the X game that everyone and their mother watched. Or hear my tale of a wacky adventure. Come up with ten conversations that will not be effected by age or gender and then use those as a starting point. As in "Its so nice to see you, how have you been this last week and could you believe that they got all those miners out safe?"

The more time you spend talking the better it gets and it is always a good idea to check back on topics from previous weeks. As in "How is your son in X school doing"

And as far as who to talk to, older the better, I have never had an older woman end the conversation early after I asked about her grandchildren. Not to mention the obligatory "they have a lifetime of experience".
posted by Felex at 8:51 PM on October 17, 2010 [3 favorites]

patronuscharms has it right. People love to talk about themselves. Don't wait for them to ask you questions, ask them instead. Ask them what kind of work they do, how it's going, maybe ask them about their plans for the weekend (if this is after services), how long they've been coming to services at that synagogue.

Stay away from complex/controversial topics like politics and, well, religion. While you might be at a synagogue, conversations about religion can turn ugly fast. You want light, friendly chat, not complex mishnah discussions (of course, if you get to know these people better, that might be possible, too). Weather, family, work, current events. All of these are pretty safe. Once you get the ball rolling, they'll be happy to talk about themselves, and conversation will be easier.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:09 PM on October 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ask again about the things you already know about them. "How's the ______ going?" is usually a good opener.

• "How is life on Mulberry Street these days?"
• "Done any more mountain biking lately?"
• "You mentioned you work in real estate—what's your job like these days?"
• "So you're a phys ed teacher—are you still taking the kids outside since the weather turned cold?"
• "Are you still volunteering with the Red Cross? How's that going? Got any big events coming up?"
• "How are your classes going? Got any big exams coming up?"
• "How are your kids / grandkids?"

Talking about local life and knowledge can be great, especially if you're a relative newcomer. "How long have you lived here? What brought you to town? What was it like when you moved here / when you were growing up here? How does it compare to where you lived before? Is your family nearby? Did you go to college at [local university]? Do you like living in such a warm / cold / hilly / flat place? Where's the best place around here to buy ______ ?"

When all other conversational avenues fail, you can always fall back on the weather, because the weather is always doing something.
posted by Orinda at 9:20 PM on October 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: friendly chat, not complex mishnah discussions

You know what I love? Occasionally, I do hear bits of conversations on the minutiae of Jewish law. Nothing fancy, but since I do know a little on the subject, this is usually when I wish I were 40 and could chime in with my info—but I don't think it would go down too well (I guess it would be akin to a seven-year-old telling me about the Mishnah).

Anyway, good advice so far! It's hard to find bits of information on other people to cling to though, since they've all asking me questions, since I'm the newcomer. But I can't believe I haven't thought yet to ask about future plans for the weekend!
posted by lhude sing cuccu at 9:47 PM on October 17, 2010

You know, when that happens, you might want to listen in, and ask questions. The only way to get involved in that kind of conversation is to show that you're interested in the topic. Listen and ask a lot of questions at first (people who like to converse about the minutiae of Jewish laws tend to like to teach them to others) and you'll find that your input and opinions will become a valid part of the discussion. I understand the part about not wanting to seem too forward, and it is a valid concern, but hey, there's a reason the kids ask the questions during the seder, and all.
posted by Ghidorah at 10:00 PM on October 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

You know what I love? Occasionally, I do hear bits of conversations on the minutiae of Jewish law. Nothing fancy, but since I do know a little on the subject, this is usually when I wish I were 40 and could chime in with my info—but I don't think it would go down too well (I guess it would be akin to a seven-year-old telling me about the Mishnah).

So maybe don't tell them what you know; just ask intelligent questions about how those people see Jewish law applied (or not) on a daily basis. You don't need to prove that you know something by chiming in -- that may make you seem like a know it all. Instead you could say, "I have been looking to learn more about this topic. What do you think of x,y, and z?" And the people you are with will undoubtedly be flattered that you are inviting their opinion and expertise.
posted by patronuscharms at 10:15 PM on October 17, 2010

You seem a little over-concerned about your age vis a vis the other people at the synagogue, and your status as an adult vs. as a child.

You should think of yourself in this situation as an adult. Granted, it's good to defer to people who are older than you, especially in terms of things like their opinion on complex scriptural issues. And as a rule, it's always good to listen more than you talk. But, for fuck's sake, you can talk to them! They don't hate you! They're not going to bite your head off! If anything, they're going to be impressed with you as a younger person who is taking an active interest in spiritual matters.

What about getting involved in some sort of activity or group within the congregation? That way you would be forced to get to know people better. If the activity/group was study related, that would also give you permission to talk more openly about spiritual stuff without feeling like it wasn't your place.
posted by Sara C. at 10:36 PM on October 17, 2010

As Orinda said, follow up on the conversation from the first time you met. And if you can't remember what that was about, be sincere and up front about it and use their response to feed into a new conversation:

"Forgive me, I know we've met before, but I've completely forgotten both your name and what we were talking about last time.."

"Mr Smith? And of course it was your grandchildren. So, how are they?"

Or whatever. Just set them for the lead, and most people will take it.
posted by Ahab at 10:38 PM on October 17, 2010

Relative age matters a lot more to young people than it does to older people.
posted by rhizome at 10:43 PM on October 17, 2010

Does the rabbi sit down to eat with folks after kiddush? Might not be a bad idea to sit at his/her table once or twice. Rabbis are usually very sociable people who are good at talking (and, ideally, listening), and your rabbi will probably do his/her best to make you feel welcome and included. Also try the cantor, if you have one. Or even the president of the shul - people who seek out that job usually have the gift of gab. :)
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 11:10 PM on October 17, 2010

As Conrad points out, not only will they have the gift of gab, they'll likely see introducing you to other people as an essential part of their role in the community. The rabbi, the cantor, the president of the shul, these people all have a vested interest in helping their community to grow and include new members.

As for the youth angle, one thing I loved about Judaism was how willing most people were to ignore age when it came to discussion, especially about the religion itself. I was included in many conversations where the other people were usually a generation or two older than I was. As long as I tried to act mature, they were happy to talk to me. I'm pretty sure at 19 you should be fine.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:24 PM on October 17, 2010

It's hard to find bits of information on other people to cling to though, since they're all asking me questions, since I'm the newcomer

At some point in one of these conversations (when they're quizzing you about yourself) there will probably come a natural pause. It sounds like you're maybe interpreting that pause with panic, thinking "Oh no, we've run out of things to say on this topic, I've told them all there is to know about my love of downhill roller skating and now there's going to be an awkward silence."

In fact, that pause is your cue to ask exactly the same question they just asked you back at them - "So how about you, what do you love to do after work?"

Don't worry if you start to feel like you're just saying "How about you?" all the time - for most people that's a perfectly natural conversational gambit and they probably won't notice. And after a few weeks of that you'll be able to proactively drop the info you've gleaned into the conversation yourself without waiting for them to take the lead, a la "How was that massed harmonica band parade you were planning to join?", and the "How about you?"s will be less frequent.
posted by penguin pie at 4:21 AM on October 18, 2010

I'm not sure if I'm reading the question correctly, but would it help if you took notes after you left the meeting? Jot down who you spoke to and what in general you talked about. Maybe even a followup question to ask next week. Then next week review those notes (and the ones from a few weeks prior) and march right in there and talk to those folks.

I think it might help if you re-frame this interaction as the beginnings of possible friendships, rather than just something to endure for an hour until next week. Age is not that big of a deal. You don't have to wait for someone (random) to sit next to you - you can approach someone you spoke to last week and ask how that thing from last week turned out.

In regard to the theological stuff, I bet those older folks would eat it up if you participated. Kids these days - they don't care about anything from the old days! But you do. You can't just go in and declare all your views to be the right ones, but you can say "I've read this view, related to what you just said, but slightly different. What do you think?"
posted by CathyG at 7:04 AM on October 18, 2010 [1 favorite]

It's hard to find bits of information on other people to cling to though, since they've all asking me questions, since I'm the newcomer.

Well don't just sit there like a bump on a log, waiting to be questioned by other people! Conversation is a two-way street. Ask them some questions about themselves. There are lots of good suggestions in this thread.
posted by Orinda at 8:06 AM on October 18, 2010