Help me deal with this awful work environment.

October 12, 2010 8:05 PM

Need coping mechanisms and/or advice for dealing with an often times soul-crushing work environment that I can't get out of for at least 1-2 years.

I work with family in an office environment where I get along fine with everyone--everyone except for one particular relative who often criticizes me, would yell at me if I make a mistake, blame me for things I didn't do wrong and all around just makes me feel like crap. This relative has a history of being unpleasant and not getting along with other people who have worked with us (often non-relatives).

I find myself always feeling on edge when they're around and feeling defensive when they're simply reminding/nagging me to do something (I get defensive because of the way they say it). I have spoken up and defended myself when I've felt they were being unfair, but it's always to no avail--they do not apologize nor acknowledge that they were wrong. I never yell back, respond angrily or in any way that is unpleasant. It takes a lot of strength to do that and I sometimes just want to cry.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I'll probably be stuck in this work situation for 1-2 years. There's no way I can talk to this relative about how I feel or how they're treating me. Seeing as how it's all family (traditional Asian background), it won't go over well. Trust me. I just need some advice on how to cope on my own because I hate being made to feel as though I'm an idiot and I hate feeling defensive all the time.

Thanks.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Possibly oversimplified, but I would remind myself that this person is a miserable human being, and maybe even pity them. It would suck to be such a bitter person. You also know that you will be able to leave this job, so there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Also, when dealing with the unpleasant person, just nod and smile. You know that this won't change, so don't let them bring you down. You are in control of how you feel, not the other person.
posted by bolognius maximus at 8:17 PM on October 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Prediction: 90% of responses in this thread will tell you to get out of this toxic environment.

Actual suggestion: make it a joke or game for yourself. Make bets with yourself (Wednesday prediction: 9 insults, 2 snarky asides, and 1 yelling fit). Make a bingo card of the particular insults they usually deliver. Start a blog or twitter feed like shitmydadsays. Then your day becomes more like -- "Yes!! Finally! 'This handwriting is unreadable.' That's five in a row, I win!!" or "Oh, that is creative. I've never heard that insult before! I cannot wait to put that on my blog, excellent!"
posted by salvia at 8:20 PM on October 12, 2010 [20 favorites]

Well, the first thing to realize is that the whole rest of your family (or at least a significant portion) probably knows and hates this behavior, too. Our office whiner "Selma" once yelled at me loud enough for the whole office to hear, and all I had to deal with in the aftermath was the girl next to me going, "Geeeeez!"

I know how much strength it takes to hold your ground, and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Because nothing you do will ever be good enough, the best thing to do is probably to simply take the "duly noted; thanks for your input" approach. Being defensive will get you nowhere, because they are working under a completely different standard. Honestly, they just need someone to listen to them until they blow over or get distracted by something else.

In my office, Selma is an older person with less of a grasp on technology than the rest of us. Her style doesn't get her as far as it used to anymore, and she's feeling the pinch pretty acutely. Because she feels less relevant and able to contribute in a way that makes her feel useful, she gets up in arms about smaller and smaller things just to make her presence known. Still, the easiest way to deal with her is to engage her just enough so that she feels like I'm paying attention (lots of "Oh, that really IS terrible!" and "I can see how that would be very distressing"), but no more. If I engage her, I'm playing her game. She will always win. Sometimes she catches me at it, but she's so caught up in petty things that she forgets quickly and is on to the next tiny indignity soon after.

Given that yours is a family company, there's so much riding on this -- or at least that's the perception your family member has. Remember that it probably has very little to do with anything you are doing, or who you are as a person. It's that person's life, livelihood, honor, responsibility, all that. (Which has probably been drilled into your head over and over again.) If you can get away in a year or two, that may be much more of a choice than your family member ever had.

Keep that in mind and try to stay compassionate for that person; it's really tough to live in a self-created world with such tight boundaries.
posted by Madamina at 8:24 PM on October 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Exercise may work for you. Spending eight or nine hours a day with a relative doing their level best to annoy you may give you some aggression to take out on the weights, the treadmill/track, exercise bike, etc. Work out your tension and aggression on the gym equipment.

Plus, if you need someone to vent to and family isn't an option, AND you live in a city with a pretty big university, they may have a department of Counseling and/or Social Work, who in turn might offer crazy cheap counseling to local residents. Because you're anonymous, I don't know where you live. If you happen to live in the USA, more specifically in the vicinity of zip code 76010, send me a message through MeFi mail & I'll pass relevant details to you.
posted by AMSBoethius at 8:28 PM on October 12, 2010

This relative sounds like a emotionally abusive bully; I really hope someone gives you a workable suggestion for coping with that, but it's hard for me to imagine it's possible.

Is there really no way you can get the situation resolved. You have already said direct confrontation with the relative is off the table, and that's fine. But what about other approaches? Is there a more sympathetic relative who is senior to this relative, or is at least their peer, who you could talk to? Maybe the sympathetic relative could intercede.

Is there a behavior coming from you that would make the problematic relative feel chastened and dial it back? For example, direct confrontation might be seen as rude and disrespectful, but what if you did burst into tears like you feel you want to?

Do you have a parent who is overly worried about your health? You could tell your parent, "I'm so grateful to have this job and don't want to give it up, but ever since I've been working with Grandpa every day I've lost 10 lbs/gained 10 lbs." (If you can't say it that directly you could allude to the stress.

I really think this is something that could be solved through family politics.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:29 PM on October 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Also... I don't know if this is the case for your relative, but I've notice people like this often have a "pet" who can do no wrong, and who they protect at all costs and favor. And there is usually no difference at all between the pet's behavior and everyone else's behavior. If you really have to stay in this situation 2 years, it might be a worthwhile investment of your time to try to become this relative's pet. If they actually are such an unpleasant and unloved person who everyone avoids, it might not be hard to do.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:36 PM on October 12, 2010

I love salvia's advice - I made a similar game for myself to deal with rejection when I was job hunting - if really does give you more distance from what is going on so you don't take it personally.

Second, anytime this person acts in a positive or even neutral way towards you, reward the behavior by smiling, giving a lively response etc. When they are negative, keep your response as short and bland (and unrewarding) as possible. First this means that you need to actually be on the alert for anything not negative that they do. (They can't be 100% negative can they?) The idea is that you are shaping their behavior, rewarding anything that is the absence of the objectional behavior. Eventually if you start to notice some change, you can concentrate on rewarding the actually positive behavior but in the beginning keep your standards low. (For more on this, read "Don't Shoot the Dog".

Third, start a gratitude journal. At the end of the day write down at least three things that happened that day that you are grateful for. This will help you keep your life in perspective.
posted by metahawk at 8:41 PM on October 12, 2010

Every time I go to office I'd trick my brain and pretend that this relative is not a relative but a bully co-worker working in the same company. When I go to office, I will tolerate him/her because that's what you would do in any other case. But I would remind myself over and over again (assuming you don't live with this person as well) that when I leave at 5.00, the time is all mine. It's holy and sacred and happy and this jerk of a person is not invited in my space anymore. I will not tolerate this person in my home nor go to his/her home because those are the times that I am in-charge and I will do things that make me happy. I absolutely must see him/her in office BUT that's about it. (Also, by being a jerk, they are helping you be mentally tougher for the next jerk in life, so really they are still doing a favour, albeit unknowingly.) It is very hard to be around jerks but thinking like may just work for the time that you have to stick around.

Also, by never flinching an eyebrow, keeping your cool when s/he lashes out and calls you whatever names, you refuse to let them have control over you. The more you react, the more you'll get. The less you react, the more of jerk they'll look. High road- always!

Finally, remind yourself that this won't last forever.
posted by xm at 8:54 PM on October 12, 2010

Practice your long, slow, blink. Like you're a lizard. This is your response to pretty much anything that relative does. Ignore everything beyond the keywords relevant to your job.

Thirding salvia's advice. Office bingo and [VERY VERY ANONYMIZED] Twitter can be pretty great.
posted by desuetude at 9:06 PM on October 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Second, anytime this person acts in a positive or even neutral way towards you, reward the behavior by smiling, giving a lively response etc. When they are negative, keep your response as short and bland (and unrewarding) as possible.

I would suggest you do the opposite. This person is not your friend and you need to comport yourself so that you are less vulnerable. Any time the person is positive to you, you should make your face blank and not respond at all, look right through the person with as hard of a stare as you can manage.

When the person yells at you or is negative, you need to do something forceful, something that will be unexpected and all the more powerful because, as you say, you are from a "traditional Asian background".

Try yelling back, or leave the room.

Also, because this person is a bully it is important you deal with them in a way they will understand. You need to go on the offensive and be aggressive in pointing out publicly and loudly when they have made a mistake.

All the misguided advice here so far (and likely to continue) to treat theses interactions as a game or to take the high road will not do anything to change the way this person relates to you and will only leave you feeling more powerless.
posted by mlis at 9:11 PM on October 12, 2010

This might sound too simple to work, but stick with me...

I would listen to podcasts to and from work. Specifically, I would listen to very positive talks and/or lectures. If I were you right now, I would fill up every single extra moment with so much positive input, that this person's toxic BS would literally just bounce off of me.

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When I did this myself, I listened to talks and books on tape by Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, etc... but you know, experiment with free offerings on iTunes and Audible.com.... find stuff that resonates with you. It's OK if it's hokey! The main point is to fill-up on messages that are directly opposite to the negative ones you are getting at the office. You don't even have to actively listen, just have it on in the background when you are commuting to work or whatever.

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If my crafty plan works for you the way it worked for me, you will become someone that self-defines from within. To sorta reference something Wayne Dyer talks about a lot, you want to become independent of both the Good and Poor opinions others hold about you.

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When you achieve this, the only opinions and behaviors that will matter to you will be your own.

When you achieve this, your crazee relative can rant all day, use any tone of voice, and you will be fully emotionally untouchable.

At the very least, try what I suggest, if just to replace this person's nagging voice in your head with more positive voices from time to time...

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 9:21 PM on October 12, 2010 [3 favorites]

Try playing some sounds in your environment that defuse tension. Natural sounds, classical music, uplifting talks, anything that lifts the soul and spirit.
posted by diode at 10:33 PM on October 12, 2010

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I'll probably be stuck in this work situation for 1-2 years.

See if you can take control of your circumstances. Soul-crushing work, if there is any way to avoid it, will give you years of your life back.

Until that point, whenever the relative treats you like crap, let it roll off. They do this to everyone, it's not your fault, and it's not in your control. Pay no attention to their opinion, but otherwise be polite. You're the better person for it.
posted by zippy at 11:37 PM on October 12, 2010

Smiling back at a tormentor tends to undermine him.

If it convinces him his actions have little or no effect on his victim, it also tends to make him initially escalate, but in the longer term to cease doing what no longer has any tangible reward for him.

Smile back. Big sunny smile. No words.
posted by orthogonality at 11:39 PM on October 12, 2010

Read the difficult relative as a difficult koan. One that always ends with you being hit with a stick.
posted by pracowity at 1:41 AM on October 13, 2010

I am still going through David Burn's "Feeling Good", and last night I just went through a chapter on how to deal with people who criticize. You may want to buy/borrow a copy to check out that chapter. Bit too long to post here :-)
posted by TrinsicWS at 2:09 AM on October 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ok, this is something weird that works for me, so I'm putting it out here.

If I know people well, and they behave like this to me, I spend one or two times reacting in the way that I know will drive them absolutely nuts. So I might grin stupidly. Or gape. Or be a smart ass. Whatever works for that person. I intentionally and manipulatively play it out until the person absolutely loses their shit, while I remain calm and collected.

However, I only do this once or twice, because once I've managed to see the absolute worst I can do - and more importantly the absolute worst the other person can do - it loses its power over me. I spend the rest of the time looking down on that person and rolling my eyes. I already KNOW I can drive them absolutely insane if I want to, so why bother? This has really helped me put things into proportion. You judge if it's something that might help you.

Disclaimer: I do not generally believe in provoking people who are already mad at you. Do not use this as a longterm strategy, it just leads to major drama and crisis.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:53 AM on October 13, 2010

If you are a theist, praying for your tormenter may be effective.

On the other hand, as C .S. Lewis wrote, "It is vain to pray for A if what you really want is B."
posted by Bruce H. at 3:56 AM on October 13, 2010

Well, my unpleasant relatives aren't as bad as yours seems to be, but here's the way I deal with them: I made a decision, a year or so ago, that rather than think of their overwhelming, knee-jerk negativity as draining or upsetting, I would think of it as hilarious. Because it really is - YMMV, but it hasn't really bothered me since. These things can have more bite to them when it's someone who has workplace authority, but it sounds like, just like you think you can't get out of this situation, you also probably can't be fired.
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:08 AM on October 13, 2010

I temped briefly in an office with a woman, Shelly, who was rude, hostile, and constantly critical. She got angry when I asked her questions, and angrier when I tried to guess how to do something on my own Her standard tone of voice with me was simmering rage. I don't know why. I hadn't done anything to her. She wasn't in over her head, technology-wise, she had zero competition in the office, and her job allowed her to spend most of her time on the phone with her friend. Maybe Shelly was just bored. In any case, she was a mean, nasty person and I still get a knot in my stomach just thinking about her.

I'm going to recommend the AskMetafilter standby, therapy. Here's why: you feel you can't leave this situation for at least a year or more, and this situation has you feeling on-edge, defensive, and stressed out. You are resigning yourself to feeling that way for a year or more, and you need some help or it will eat away at you.

Yes, a Twitter feed could be fun, and there are practical approaches you can take to diffuse your relative's anger, but if your relative is anything like my former coworker, her abuse is going to take a toll no matter what you do. I did the same kinds of things--I commiserated with other employees about how awful Shelly was, I imagined her stuck in that windowless cube for the rest of her life while I'd be off to bigger and better things, I laughed at how ridiculous she was. But still, I dreaded going to work. I was on edge in the office and stressed out when I got home. I felt like I was just going to snap one day and yell or lash out in a way that would lose my other coworkers' respect. It was extremely unpleasant. I found a way out within a couple months.

If you're set on staying, get some outside emotional support. If you're a student, try your university's mental health services. If you're not, use this or another method to find a sliding scale therapist (or therapist you can afford). I know it's cliche here to recommend therapy, but I really think that if you're going to be in a job that has you feeling stressed out and abused and you can't see any way out of it, a therapist could help you work out the most effective means of dealing with your relative.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:11 AM on October 13, 2010

What would happen if you DID cry? Just wondering.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:14 AM on October 13, 2010

When I worked in a stressful office environment, the thing that helped most was getting OUT of the office once a day. I would eat my lunch in a hurry and then go for a walk outside. I literally walked around the block. It always cleared my head and helped me center myself for the rest of the day.
posted by bq at 2:01 PM on October 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

I was in a pretty awful working environment, and because of the economy couldn't find another job for a while. What worked for me in keeping through it (a full year past when I was sure I couldn't take it anymore) was that I gave myself permission to quit and/or be fired. NOTE: I am not saying I planned to quit. I just told myself, in my head, "If this ever gets so bad that you really, really, don't think you can deal with this anymore, you can quit, and we'll deal with the consequences later. Until then, anytime you start to stress out about things, remind yourself that you don't care. They can fire you."

That really helped me. Anytime something awful happened, I told myself, "Whatever. They can fire me." It really cut down on my stress and made it easier to stick around, which I did until I finally found a new job. In the meantime, I was able to work just fine, only without all the stress.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 6:28 PM on October 13, 2010 [1 favorite]