Boyfriend grabbed me...now what?
October 11, 2010 12:36 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend grabbed me hard last night out of anger. It triggered the heck out of me. How do I separate my feelings of being triggered from how I should feel about this specific incident, and what is the most productive way to talk to my boyfriend about why this upset me so much?
My boyfriend of three years got angry with me last night for putting the cap of the mouth wash on without rinsing it out; it's something he's talked to me about before, and I spaced out. In his frustration and wanting to make me stop, he grabbed me hard on my arm, yelled "What the hell are you doing?" and scared the heck out of me.
This incident is TOTALLY out of character; he is very kind, sensitive, and loving, and I adore him. In the three years we've been dating, this is the first sign of any anger like this that I've seen. It frightened me a lot.
Compounding this feeling of fright is that I'm a survivor of sexual assault and very, very sensitive to male physical aggression directed toward me. I pretty much started panicking.
At first, he was angry with me for freaking out -- he said I was blowing it way out of proportion. As soon as I said that he cannot manipulate me into feeling bad that I felt stressed about this and that he was wrong, he got quiet and apologized. This kind of lashing out at me when I call him out on doing something inappropriate has happened once before; this seems like a defense mechanism more than anything else. He said he was trying to scare me.
He and I eventually had a sit down where I said he was to never touch me to scare me again, and he was to NEVER use scare tactics to get his way again. He agreed, and he admitted fault and finally said that he had tried to deflect because he felt guilty. I don't believe he would ever hit or push me.
I am now struggling to figure out how big of a deal this really is. I was extremely shook up and triggered, and I think this has made the whole thing harder on me. My boyfriend has never triggered me before, and I am worried about talking to this about him without making him feel even more guilty.
Survivors of sexual assault/significant others of survivors of sexual assault/other brilliant Mefites: how do you deal with being triggered in your relationship, and what is the best way to talk to him about this without hurting him? What are the best ways to start rebuilding trust and moving on from this isolated incident?
Throwaway e-mail at stressedovergrabbing@gmail.com.
My boyfriend of three years got angry with me last night for putting the cap of the mouth wash on without rinsing it out; it's something he's talked to me about before, and I spaced out. In his frustration and wanting to make me stop, he grabbed me hard on my arm, yelled "What the hell are you doing?" and scared the heck out of me.
This incident is TOTALLY out of character; he is very kind, sensitive, and loving, and I adore him. In the three years we've been dating, this is the first sign of any anger like this that I've seen. It frightened me a lot.
Compounding this feeling of fright is that I'm a survivor of sexual assault and very, very sensitive to male physical aggression directed toward me. I pretty much started panicking.
At first, he was angry with me for freaking out -- he said I was blowing it way out of proportion. As soon as I said that he cannot manipulate me into feeling bad that I felt stressed about this and that he was wrong, he got quiet and apologized. This kind of lashing out at me when I call him out on doing something inappropriate has happened once before; this seems like a defense mechanism more than anything else. He said he was trying to scare me.
He and I eventually had a sit down where I said he was to never touch me to scare me again, and he was to NEVER use scare tactics to get his way again. He agreed, and he admitted fault and finally said that he had tried to deflect because he felt guilty. I don't believe he would ever hit or push me.
I am now struggling to figure out how big of a deal this really is. I was extremely shook up and triggered, and I think this has made the whole thing harder on me. My boyfriend has never triggered me before, and I am worried about talking to this about him without making him feel even more guilty.
Survivors of sexual assault/significant others of survivors of sexual assault/other brilliant Mefites: how do you deal with being triggered in your relationship, and what is the best way to talk to him about this without hurting him? What are the best ways to start rebuilding trust and moving on from this isolated incident?
Throwaway e-mail at stressedovergrabbing@gmail.com.
Does he know about your sexual assault? If not, do you want him to know about the sexual assualt? I think that the way you deal with this may be different based on the answers to these questions.
posted by TheBones at 12:43 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by TheBones at 12:43 PM on October 11, 2010
If someone was trying to scare me because I didn't rinse out a mouthwash lid?! I'd be gone so fast it would make his head spin. He "triggered" you because he is, at the very least, a complete asshole.
posted by MsMolly at 12:44 PM on October 11, 2010 [37 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 12:44 PM on October 11, 2010 [37 favorites]
...putting the cap of the mouth wash on without rinsing it out.
At first, he was angry with me for freaking out -- he said I was blowing it way out of proportion.
I want you to re-read that a few times until it seems as ridiculous to you as undoubtedly it will to us. He knew your history and proceeded to physically assault you for an action so minuscule and quotidian I'm not even sure it registers with most people. Then he got mad at you for triggering you. Even after calming down he admitted to trying to scare you. For something related to a mouthwash cap. A fucking mouthwash cap.
None of this would even be okay if you burned the house down or slept with his brother.
Bail.
posted by griphus at 12:49 PM on October 11, 2010 [37 favorites]
At first, he was angry with me for freaking out -- he said I was blowing it way out of proportion.
I want you to re-read that a few times until it seems as ridiculous to you as undoubtedly it will to us. He knew your history and proceeded to physically assault you for an action so minuscule and quotidian I'm not even sure it registers with most people. Then he got mad at you for triggering you. Even after calming down he admitted to trying to scare you. For something related to a mouthwash cap. A fucking mouthwash cap.
None of this would even be okay if you burned the house down or slept with his brother.
Bail.
posted by griphus at 12:49 PM on October 11, 2010 [37 favorites]
I'm really saying this with the best intentions, but I think you need to do something thinking.
Uh...he deliberately tried to scare you?
And he knew your history before not only making the CONSCIOUS DECISION to scare you, but actually admit this to you as well?
...I don't know. This would really raise some serious red flags with me. I mean, how do you know this is an isolated incident?
posted by floweredfish at 12:51 PM on October 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
Uh...he deliberately tried to scare you?
And he knew your history before not only making the CONSCIOUS DECISION to scare you, but actually admit this to you as well?
...I don't know. This would really raise some serious red flags with me. I mean, how do you know this is an isolated incident?
posted by floweredfish at 12:51 PM on October 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
"He said he was trying to scare me." This was a big deal. Since you had the discussion (go you!) the best way to start rebuilding trust and moving on is to not hold on to it. He made a mistake, admitted it, and you both took steps to build from the incident. What "triggered" you was an unacceptable controlling, and destructive behavior. I don't have any advice on dealing with the emotional side of being triggered. But, your being triggered is legitimate. On, talking to him without hurting him, if he is using sear to try and negotiate with you, your assertive approach to dealing with the issue is perfect. I would avoid going over the incident more than you need to to ensure that it wont happen again or to deal with any emotional turmoil either of you have suffered due to the incident, but I would not go over it endlessly to spare him the emotional trauma of having him relive this mistake and codify his guilt.
posted by elationfoundation at 12:51 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by elationfoundation at 12:51 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Fear not sear...
posted by elationfoundation at 12:52 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by elationfoundation at 12:52 PM on October 11, 2010
I disagree with the posters above. They're judging the whole of your boyfriend based on one incident that, as you say, was "TOTALLY out of character."
If this has only happened once or twice in three years, and it's never elevated beyond grabbing and/or being "scary," I think it's stretching to consider him an abusive boyfriend or contemplate DTMFA. You wouldn't have lasted this long if he wasn't really a great guy at heart... all of us show our ugly sides sometimes.
I don't have any suggestions for how you should deal with the triggering. You're dealing with some delicate baggage and therapy may be in order.
However, it sounds to me like you already did everything right with your boyfriend. You sat down and talked with him, and explained why that was difficult for you. He seems to have understood, and you got a promise from him not to do that again. Unless you have reason to believe he's not trustworthy, it sounds like you got the best possible response from him. It seems pretty clear that he cares about you and doesn't want to trigger you again.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 12:52 PM on October 11, 2010 [20 favorites]
If this has only happened once or twice in three years, and it's never elevated beyond grabbing and/or being "scary," I think it's stretching to consider him an abusive boyfriend or contemplate DTMFA. You wouldn't have lasted this long if he wasn't really a great guy at heart... all of us show our ugly sides sometimes.
I don't have any suggestions for how you should deal with the triggering. You're dealing with some delicate baggage and therapy may be in order.
However, it sounds to me like you already did everything right with your boyfriend. You sat down and talked with him, and explained why that was difficult for you. He seems to have understood, and you got a promise from him not to do that again. Unless you have reason to believe he's not trustworthy, it sounds like you got the best possible response from him. It seems pretty clear that he cares about you and doesn't want to trigger you again.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 12:52 PM on October 11, 2010 [20 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
My boyfriend does know about the sexual assault (I told him shortly after we started dating to make sure he knew what was up if I got triggered). The assault happened a few years before we met. He has generally been extraordinarily sympathetic and supportive.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:53 PM on October 11, 2010
Thank you jessamyn/OP.
I think you have alot more to think about then. He knows about your assualt and yet "He said he was trying to scare me."
If I were in this situation, I would take this VERY seriously. Is there something else going on with him, that you don't know about? You say this isn't like him and he's never exhibited behavior like this before. If you want to figure this out, then you need to find out what was really going on with him.
What about seeing a couples therapist?
posted by TheBones at 1:00 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you have alot more to think about then. He knows about your assualt and yet "He said he was trying to scare me."
If I were in this situation, I would take this VERY seriously. Is there something else going on with him, that you don't know about? You say this isn't like him and he's never exhibited behavior like this before. If you want to figure this out, then you need to find out what was really going on with him.
What about seeing a couples therapist?
posted by TheBones at 1:00 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You should really get out now. Leave. This isn't good for you. This isn't normal behavior. I would say if it wasn't a big deal, but you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who tries to scare you on purpose.
posted by anniecat at 1:02 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by anniecat at 1:02 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am worried about talking to this about him without making him feel even more guilty.
But he should feel guilty. Feeling guilty isn't always bad. It is often good: guilt influences people not to act badly in the future. I'm not saying to try to manipulate him, but don't worry too much about how he might feel about your honest thoughts and feelings.
Look, I'm not going to wade into whether you should or shouldn't "DTMFA." Let me just say that if you're going to stay with him, you have to be honest. Not just honest in the narrow, technical sense of not making false statements. I mean really open and honest. If you can't tell him how you want things to be between you, what's the point in even having a relationship?
Not every single interchange in a relationship is always fun. Sometimes you just have to have a conversation that's important but not very fun. If you feel the need to keep talking about it, keep talking about it -- don't just stay silent because he might not enjoy hearing how you feel.
posted by John Cohen at 1:02 PM on October 11, 2010 [16 favorites]
But he should feel guilty. Feeling guilty isn't always bad. It is often good: guilt influences people not to act badly in the future. I'm not saying to try to manipulate him, but don't worry too much about how he might feel about your honest thoughts and feelings.
Look, I'm not going to wade into whether you should or shouldn't "DTMFA." Let me just say that if you're going to stay with him, you have to be honest. Not just honest in the narrow, technical sense of not making false statements. I mean really open and honest. If you can't tell him how you want things to be between you, what's the point in even having a relationship?
Not every single interchange in a relationship is always fun. Sometimes you just have to have a conversation that's important but not very fun. If you feel the need to keep talking about it, keep talking about it -- don't just stay silent because he might not enjoy hearing how you feel.
posted by John Cohen at 1:02 PM on October 11, 2010 [16 favorites]
I'm with Parker above. Yes, he scared the hell out of you, but you immediately addressed the problem and discussed it. (Go you!) It sounds like he took your concerns seriously and will try to remember them in the future. I'd give him another chance. If he's dismissive in the future, then DTMFA. But one totally out of character mistake that he admitted to doesn't seem like reason to throw the relationship away.
As for dealing...I have no freaking clue. I haven't been in your situation on any side. Do you think space/time would help? Do you need to cool things down physically for a while? I wish I knew how to help. =(
posted by maryr at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
As for dealing...I have no freaking clue. I haven't been in your situation on any side. Do you think space/time would help? Do you need to cool things down physically for a while? I wish I knew how to help. =(
posted by maryr at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
OP, it sounds like your man is human, made a mistake, and at the very least, has taken ownership of that mistake.
This is the reality of male-female relationships. Sometimes we do dumb things in the heat of the moment that cause us to harm our significant other in ways that trigger strong responses to the actions of some other member of our gender. It's sh*tty, but it is what it is.
I disagree that you need to get out of there ASAP, but I do agree this is a red flag. Uncontrollable outbursts of anger are worth paying attention to in either partner in any relationship. So your boyfriend is human and has some stuff he needs to sort out. If it's going to show up in any of his relationships, as his primary confident, it is most likely to surface in his interactions with you. All this is okay and perfectly "normal", however you want to define it.
If you want my advice, ask him to consider couples counselling if you two cannot seek a sufficient solution as independent couple. Unchecked, volatile anger has the potential to destroy any of a number of the relationships in his life. It is worth the work with a qualified, outside party to debug the anger trigger, should you two simply not find lasting, workable solutions on your own. Good luck.
posted by human ecologist at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
This is the reality of male-female relationships. Sometimes we do dumb things in the heat of the moment that cause us to harm our significant other in ways that trigger strong responses to the actions of some other member of our gender. It's sh*tty, but it is what it is.
I disagree that you need to get out of there ASAP, but I do agree this is a red flag. Uncontrollable outbursts of anger are worth paying attention to in either partner in any relationship. So your boyfriend is human and has some stuff he needs to sort out. If it's going to show up in any of his relationships, as his primary confident, it is most likely to surface in his interactions with you. All this is okay and perfectly "normal", however you want to define it.
If you want my advice, ask him to consider couples counselling if you two cannot seek a sufficient solution as independent couple. Unchecked, volatile anger has the potential to destroy any of a number of the relationships in his life. It is worth the work with a qualified, outside party to debug the anger trigger, should you two simply not find lasting, workable solutions on your own. Good luck.
posted by human ecologist at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
This seems like a dangerous situation to be in. There is "sympathetic and supportive" and there is "he was trying to scare me." As soon as this happened, he ceased to be a sympathetic and supportive partner to you. As an example, my partner is genuinely sympathetic and genuinely supportive. He could never, never do something like this. Not in the heat of the moment, not (as another person mentioned) if I burned down the house or slept with his brother. He would never grab me, and would never try to "scare me." Those things are in no way compatible with being sympathetic. I feel for you, and I realize you are being very cautious about "overreacting," but this is not a person to invest further in. People who are ready to be real, loving partners would not get anywhere near this kind of behavior.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
It sounds to me like you're not being very fair to yourself - I don't think it's necessary to attempt to separate your feelings about a past assault from your feelings about this specific incident. The point is that you feel unsafe (or whatever you actually feel - I'm just guessing). That's absolutely something that is appropriate to discuss with your boyfriend.
It sounds to me, from what you've written here, that you've already had an incredibly substantive conversation. I think both of you might need some time to fully sit with your own feelings - for you to work out whatever trust or safety issues you are having, and for him to work out whatever control or anger issues spurred him into such an over-reaction - and then to come together and re-open the dialogue once both of you are feeling a bit more settled. It's entirely possible that you guys can take some space from each other without significantly altering your relationship (my partner and I do it all the time).
posted by muddgirl at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds to me, from what you've written here, that you've already had an incredibly substantive conversation. I think both of you might need some time to fully sit with your own feelings - for you to work out whatever trust or safety issues you are having, and for him to work out whatever control or anger issues spurred him into such an over-reaction - and then to come together and re-open the dialogue once both of you are feeling a bit more settled. It's entirely possible that you guys can take some space from each other without significantly altering your relationship (my partner and I do it all the time).
posted by muddgirl at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Her: "You scared me!"
Him (defensively): "Well, I was TRYING to scare you!"
Doesn't seem like such a big deal to me as everyone else thinks. Like she said, he apologized and recognized that he was wrong. This is an isolated incident. Have you really never lost your temper after seeing your SO do something you've asked them not to do again and again? He grabbed her arm to stop her from putting the cap on the mouthwash, not to hurt her on purpose.
Anyway, she's not asking if she should dump if, if he was wrong, etc, she wants to know how to move past the incident.
OP, your post sounds very rational, you are looking at the issue from all sides, you aren't angry. It seems like you are in a great place to have another calm discussion with your BF, outlining again why that behavior is not okay for you. It sounds like the first discussion went well, and a second one won't hurt him as much as stress that you care enough about him to be very clear about your boundaries because you don't want to have to leave him if anything were to happen again. His initial guilt says a lot about how he knows he was wrong and should be open to more discussion to understand exactly what happened in your head when this happened.
posted by coupdefoudre at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
Him (defensively): "Well, I was TRYING to scare you!"
Doesn't seem like such a big deal to me as everyone else thinks. Like she said, he apologized and recognized that he was wrong. This is an isolated incident. Have you really never lost your temper after seeing your SO do something you've asked them not to do again and again? He grabbed her arm to stop her from putting the cap on the mouthwash, not to hurt her on purpose.
Anyway, she's not asking if she should dump if, if he was wrong, etc, she wants to know how to move past the incident.
OP, your post sounds very rational, you are looking at the issue from all sides, you aren't angry. It seems like you are in a great place to have another calm discussion with your BF, outlining again why that behavior is not okay for you. It sounds like the first discussion went well, and a second one won't hurt him as much as stress that you care enough about him to be very clear about your boundaries because you don't want to have to leave him if anything were to happen again. His initial guilt says a lot about how he knows he was wrong and should be open to more discussion to understand exactly what happened in your head when this happened.
posted by coupdefoudre at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
I think you did a great job.
For the moment, I think you need to know that you did a great job, that this was not your fault, that your reaction was absolutely fair, and that you should really respect your feelings around this. Don't try to hide them or jump past them for the sake of his feelings. Respect your reactions and give them space to exist. He owes you that, and it's what you're going to need to do to heal from it. I understand that you want to work with this without hurting him, but really you have to let yourself be as hurt as you actually are, and he needs to accept that he has hurt you. You need to not shy away from that. That's him hurting him, not you hurting him.
I'm glad he's admitted fault. He's going to need to hold on to that admission and accept the consequences of his actions; that being, you are going to be uncomfortable for a while, and he will have to work on gaining back your trust. It's not your job to make this magically vanish. He needs to be patient and work with the results of his choices, with you.
I'm sure someone else will give you more specific advice. I just wanted to note that bending yourself into an uncomfortable shape to make this easier for him to handle implies that this is your fault, which it is not. This is damage he will need to work on undoing himself, in open communication with you. Otherwise, you will probably resent him, and this wound will fester.
posted by Hildegarde at 1:05 PM on October 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
For the moment, I think you need to know that you did a great job, that this was not your fault, that your reaction was absolutely fair, and that you should really respect your feelings around this. Don't try to hide them or jump past them for the sake of his feelings. Respect your reactions and give them space to exist. He owes you that, and it's what you're going to need to do to heal from it. I understand that you want to work with this without hurting him, but really you have to let yourself be as hurt as you actually are, and he needs to accept that he has hurt you. You need to not shy away from that. That's him hurting him, not you hurting him.
I'm glad he's admitted fault. He's going to need to hold on to that admission and accept the consequences of his actions; that being, you are going to be uncomfortable for a while, and he will have to work on gaining back your trust. It's not your job to make this magically vanish. He needs to be patient and work with the results of his choices, with you.
I'm sure someone else will give you more specific advice. I just wanted to note that bending yourself into an uncomfortable shape to make this easier for him to handle implies that this is your fault, which it is not. This is damage he will need to work on undoing himself, in open communication with you. Otherwise, you will probably resent him, and this wound will fester.
posted by Hildegarde at 1:05 PM on October 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
You know, if this thing really was out of character than my suggestion is to talk it out. He was way out of line. Why? What's going on with this guy? I think you talk about it until you both feel heard and understood. I don't think you're there yet and that's okay.
Also, in equal relationships it's really not cool to treat or punish your partner like they were a kid or a pet. It's a fine distinction but one I had to learn too. It doesn't matter if I've left the cap off the toothpaste for the hundredth time. I'm an adult and deserve to be treated as such.
In that vein, if nothing else is going on with him and he is just super squicked about this one thing: his and hers mouthwash. It may sound goofy but when you are at an impasse, go another direction.
posted by amanda at 1:06 PM on October 11, 2010
Also, in equal relationships it's really not cool to treat or punish your partner like they were a kid or a pet. It's a fine distinction but one I had to learn too. It doesn't matter if I've left the cap off the toothpaste for the hundredth time. I'm an adult and deserve to be treated as such.
In that vein, if nothing else is going on with him and he is just super squicked about this one thing: his and hers mouthwash. It may sound goofy but when you are at an impasse, go another direction.
posted by amanda at 1:06 PM on October 11, 2010
To clarify, people "who are ready to be real, loving partners" would not do this. Maybe they might have in the past, and then worked on the problem with the help of a therapist. It would even be one thing if he had realized there was a serious problem, and that he would have to begin working on it immediately. But I'm not hearing that. Please, take this seriously, because you deserve someone who would never, never make you feel unsafe. There are too many fantastic, fun people out there who would make you feel totally safe and totally loved. Good luck.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 1:09 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 1:09 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
He made a mistake. Give him a chance to learn from it.
I'd probably think differently if he'd refused to accept that he did wrong, or if this was a regular thing. But as described here he screwed up, you let him know what he did, he took ownership of the mistake. Now comes the learning and then the not-doing-it-again.
posted by Lorc at 1:11 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'd probably think differently if he'd refused to accept that he did wrong, or if this was a regular thing. But as described here he screwed up, you let him know what he did, he took ownership of the mistake. Now comes the learning and then the not-doing-it-again.
posted by Lorc at 1:11 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
To clarify, people "who are ready to be real, loving partners" would not do this.
This is a dangerously inaccurate oversimplification. People "who are ready to be real, loving partners" are human beings that sometimes make mistakes and do stupid things in the heat of the moment that they immediately regret.
posted by jbickers at 1:17 PM on October 11, 2010 [19 favorites]
This is a dangerously inaccurate oversimplification. People "who are ready to be real, loving partners" are human beings that sometimes make mistakes and do stupid things in the heat of the moment that they immediately regret.
posted by jbickers at 1:17 PM on October 11, 2010 [19 favorites]
I agree with Lorc. His response to being called out for serious bad behavior could not have been better. And it was very poor behavior regardless of your background. Anyone would be frightened of that. But, you need to feel safe and I think there's a real productive dialogue that can come from this. Good luck.
posted by amanda at 1:21 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by amanda at 1:21 PM on October 11, 2010
People who are aware of their partner's past experiences with violence and sexual assault DO NOT INTENTIONALLY TRY TO SCARE THEIR LOVED ONE.
I was assaulted as a teen and I am bothered by the fact that your bf would even allow scare tactics into his brain given that he knows what happened to you. That is such a red flag to me and though I know that you were able to talk to him and assert your needs, I'm still really squicked out.
As for him feeling guilty? Let him. He needs to sit in his guilt to fully understand that he did a really bad thing and that he needs to support you. If that becomes too much for you, maybe having access to a counselor would be a good idea so you can have someone outside of your relationship provide you with objective support.
Good luck to you.
posted by patronuscharms at 1:25 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I was assaulted as a teen and I am bothered by the fact that your bf would even allow scare tactics into his brain given that he knows what happened to you. That is such a red flag to me and though I know that you were able to talk to him and assert your needs, I'm still really squicked out.
As for him feeling guilty? Let him. He needs to sit in his guilt to fully understand that he did a really bad thing and that he needs to support you. If that becomes too much for you, maybe having access to a counselor would be a good idea so you can have someone outside of your relationship provide you with objective support.
Good luck to you.
posted by patronuscharms at 1:25 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
You are in a complicated situation and your feelings and concerns are valid. No one on Metafilter is qualified to tell you how to proceed or what you should do about what happened.
Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or the National Sexual Assault Hotline 1.800.656.HOPE.
You don't have to see yourself as a victim at the hands of your boyfriend to make use of either of these services. Talking to someone trained to listen to your concerns will help you figure out how you feel and how you want to proceed.
I used to do victim options counseling. You sound like a strong person and whatever you do, remember that you don't deserve to be treated badly.
posted by vincele at 1:27 PM on October 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or the National Sexual Assault Hotline 1.800.656.HOPE.
You don't have to see yourself as a victim at the hands of your boyfriend to make use of either of these services. Talking to someone trained to listen to your concerns will help you figure out how you feel and how you want to proceed.
I used to do victim options counseling. You sound like a strong person and whatever you do, remember that you don't deserve to be treated badly.
posted by vincele at 1:27 PM on October 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
"He said he was trying to scare me."
WTF? Why, under any circumstances, would one WANT to scare one's romantic partner, much less think that it's an appropriate way to handle any issue, especially such a trivial thing like mouthwash caps?
Like, that's wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin.
I don't necessarily think this is an automatic DTMFA, but I think it's very reasonable to feel like a critical level of trust has been violated and that he's going to have to work to rebuild it.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:30 PM on October 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
WTF? Why, under any circumstances, would one WANT to scare one's romantic partner, much less think that it's an appropriate way to handle any issue, especially such a trivial thing like mouthwash caps?
Like, that's wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin.
I don't necessarily think this is an automatic DTMFA, but I think it's very reasonable to feel like a critical level of trust has been violated and that he's going to have to work to rebuild it.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:30 PM on October 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Mod note: few comments removed - mouthwash brand suggestions considered lulzy. Stick to the question, don't insult other commenters.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:32 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:32 PM on October 11, 2010
Her: "You scared me!"
Him (defensively): "Well, I was TRYING to scare you!"
Doesn't seem like such a big deal to me as everyone else thinks. Like she said, he apologized and recognized that he was wrong. This is an isolated incident. Have you really never lost your temper after seeing your SO do something you've asked them not to do again and again? He grabbed her arm to stop her from putting the cap on the mouthwash, not to hurt her on purpose.
Okay now replace "scared" and "grabbed her arm" with "slapped across the face" Still not a big deal even if it's an isolated incident? Still okay to do even after losing one's temper?
It is never, never okay to try to scare your significant other into compliance. They are not a child and this is not 1925.
posted by griphus at 1:33 PM on October 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
Him (defensively): "Well, I was TRYING to scare you!"
Doesn't seem like such a big deal to me as everyone else thinks. Like she said, he apologized and recognized that he was wrong. This is an isolated incident. Have you really never lost your temper after seeing your SO do something you've asked them not to do again and again? He grabbed her arm to stop her from putting the cap on the mouthwash, not to hurt her on purpose.
Okay now replace "scared" and "grabbed her arm" with "slapped across the face" Still not a big deal even if it's an isolated incident? Still okay to do even after losing one's temper?
It is never, never okay to try to scare your significant other into compliance. They are not a child and this is not 1925.
posted by griphus at 1:33 PM on October 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
Sounds to me like he lost his temper and is now backpedaling to make himself feel better about it. Like someone who trips on their own shoelaces and then says, "I meant to do that." It would be better if he were honest about it instead of pretending it was a lesson you needed to learn (about mouthwash! FFS!). That kind of lesson isn't appropriate even for someone's child, and you're his girlfriend. He needs to know this is wrong all around. Taking his anger out on you physically AND lying about his motivation are both bad and sound like indicators of trouble to come. "You make me hit you!" comes to mind.
It's good that he was able to calm down and talk about it, though. He still needs to figure out what was going on in his head when he did that to you in the first place and make sure it never happens again. If this was truly an isolated incident, then I'd chalk it up to him having a bad day. We all have our irrational moments. But if it happens again? Leave. And don't rinse out the mouthwash cap before you go.
posted by katillathehun at 1:34 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's good that he was able to calm down and talk about it, though. He still needs to figure out what was going on in his head when he did that to you in the first place and make sure it never happens again. If this was truly an isolated incident, then I'd chalk it up to him having a bad day. We all have our irrational moments. But if it happens again? Leave. And don't rinse out the mouthwash cap before you go.
posted by katillathehun at 1:34 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You know what? Regardless of what else you decide to do in this situation, I would basically say, in an entirely non-drama-filled way, "Intentionally scaring me is absolutely not OK. If you do that again, then regardless of how much I love you, I will leave immediately. It doesn't matter if you think that's a reasonable boundary; it is my boundary. Are we clear here?"
You've been scared enough. Seriously. You get to draw that line where you like for your own comfort, and IMHO that's a perfectly reasonable place to draw it.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:34 PM on October 11, 2010 [26 favorites]
You've been scared enough. Seriously. You get to draw that line where you like for your own comfort, and IMHO that's a perfectly reasonable place to draw it.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:34 PM on October 11, 2010 [26 favorites]
It is never, never okay to try to scare your significant other into compliance. They are not a child and this is not 1925.
No one thinks it's OK. But I'm trying to argue that it's not automatically unforgiveable. It's a breech of trust, of safety, but some couples can grow past it. Not all - some.
Perhaps this is verging on getting off-topic, but I used to (and still) struggle with grabbing or jerking my partner in situations where I was frustrated or scared. It's not that I saw him as a child, but rather that I saw him as a complete extension of myself - if I wanted him to do something or refrain from doing something, my first instinct would be to enact it, rather than use words. Clearly we are separate people, so we talked about it and now I am conscientious about grabbing or jerking him around.
Frankly, it was horrifying for me to see him flinch whenever I happened to raise my hand towards him. It made me feel very guilty - justifiably so. I was guilty, I worked on it, I continue to work on it, and we didn't break up.
posted by muddgirl at 1:40 PM on October 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
No one thinks it's OK. But I'm trying to argue that it's not automatically unforgiveable. It's a breech of trust, of safety, but some couples can grow past it. Not all - some.
Perhaps this is verging on getting off-topic, but I used to (and still) struggle with grabbing or jerking my partner in situations where I was frustrated or scared. It's not that I saw him as a child, but rather that I saw him as a complete extension of myself - if I wanted him to do something or refrain from doing something, my first instinct would be to enact it, rather than use words. Clearly we are separate people, so we talked about it and now I am conscientious about grabbing or jerking him around.
Frankly, it was horrifying for me to see him flinch whenever I happened to raise my hand towards him. It made me feel very guilty - justifiably so. I was guilty, I worked on it, I continue to work on it, and we didn't break up.
posted by muddgirl at 1:40 PM on October 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
How do I separate my feelings of being triggered from how I should feel about this specific incident, and what is the most productive way to talk to my boyfriend about why this upset me so much?
I don't think you should separate out the feelings. I think you need to sit down and explain to him how traumatized you are by the event. Relate it back to the sexual assault in your past. Let him know that when he did that he brought up larger feelings unrelated to him grabbing you. Tell him it is going to take some time. Let him know that what is really difficult for you is that he is a person who you see as protecting you from these things. Tell him it isn't something that can't be fixed right away and that you expect these feelings to come back from time to time and that you need his support when they do. Ask to be listened to and not fixed.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:42 PM on October 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't think you should separate out the feelings. I think you need to sit down and explain to him how traumatized you are by the event. Relate it back to the sexual assault in your past. Let him know that when he did that he brought up larger feelings unrelated to him grabbing you. Tell him it is going to take some time. Let him know that what is really difficult for you is that he is a person who you see as protecting you from these things. Tell him it isn't something that can't be fixed right away and that you expect these feelings to come back from time to time and that you need his support when they do. Ask to be listened to and not fixed.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:42 PM on October 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
People who are aware of their partner's past experiences with violence and sexual assault DO NOT INTENTIONALLY TRY TO SCARE THEIR LOVED ONE.
Sometimes it's hard for another person to understand what the other has good through, particularly in terms of abuse or assault. That doesn't make what he did right, but put in that context, it can be seen in a more understandable light. Again, what he did was totally and completely wrong, but it's does not have to be the end of the relationship.
I think you, OP, need to sit down with him again and ask "WTF". This occurred over an unrinsed mouth wash cap. Who gets upset over that to the point where they're grabbing someone and trying to scare them?What the hell does that even mean, "scare you"? What was he hoping that would accomplish? Why would he reach for that device, particularly knowing your history? Is he under a lot of pressure lately? Are there other minor things that you did that annoy him? What's his response going to be to those things?
These, and probably more, are questions you need to sit down and ask him. He need to understand that he's has frightened you in a way that you've encountered only once before. He needs to know that he broke your trust and his actions made you feel a certain way. Now is the time for you to clear up any other minor problems related to this (you forgetting things, him getting upset over reminding you) and establish ways to deal with those things. We have things that our SO's do that annoy the crap out of us, but we don't go trying to 'scare them straight'. We develop coping mechanisms and strategies for dealing with this problems or just learn to let them go. I think you guys need to figure out why unrinsed wash caps are a problem, whether it's his problem, your problem or both of you and decide to try a couple of techniques to fix said problem.
This is a lot of beanplating, but it has to be done. He did something wrong. It's effecting you and the relationship. In order for trust to be re-established, that needs to be addressed to your satisfaction, regardless of whether he's hurt. This is one of those instances where a specific partner's feelings/mental state matter more and that would be you.
Good luck!
posted by nomadicink at 1:43 PM on October 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Sometimes it's hard for another person to understand what the other has good through, particularly in terms of abuse or assault. That doesn't make what he did right, but put in that context, it can be seen in a more understandable light. Again, what he did was totally and completely wrong, but it's does not have to be the end of the relationship.
I think you, OP, need to sit down with him again and ask "WTF". This occurred over an unrinsed mouth wash cap. Who gets upset over that to the point where they're grabbing someone and trying to scare them?What the hell does that even mean, "scare you"? What was he hoping that would accomplish? Why would he reach for that device, particularly knowing your history? Is he under a lot of pressure lately? Are there other minor things that you did that annoy him? What's his response going to be to those things?
These, and probably more, are questions you need to sit down and ask him. He need to understand that he's has frightened you in a way that you've encountered only once before. He needs to know that he broke your trust and his actions made you feel a certain way. Now is the time for you to clear up any other minor problems related to this (you forgetting things, him getting upset over reminding you) and establish ways to deal with those things. We have things that our SO's do that annoy the crap out of us, but we don't go trying to 'scare them straight'. We develop coping mechanisms and strategies for dealing with this problems or just learn to let them go. I think you guys need to figure out why unrinsed wash caps are a problem, whether it's his problem, your problem or both of you and decide to try a couple of techniques to fix said problem.
This is a lot of beanplating, but it has to be done. He did something wrong. It's effecting you and the relationship. In order for trust to be re-established, that needs to be addressed to your satisfaction, regardless of whether he's hurt. This is one of those instances where a specific partner's feelings/mental state matter more and that would be you.
Good luck!
posted by nomadicink at 1:43 PM on October 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Mod note: folks - if you are too close to this issue you need to step away from this thread or go to MetaTalk. Do not fight with other commenters, help the OP. Thank you.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:46 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:46 PM on October 11, 2010
You did the right thing. Eventually, so did he. Trying to scare you over this was a seriously fucked-up dick move, but I think he knows that. Even great people and great partners are still human beings, and between the rarity and his reaction to this mistake, I think you can chalk this up to "Oh my god my boyfriend did the shittiest thing yesterday."
But yeah, your reaction? Totally appropriate. I think you've got this one handled.
posted by KathrynT at 1:46 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
But yeah, your reaction? Totally appropriate. I think you've got this one handled.
posted by KathrynT at 1:46 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
If this is a one time thing out of many years, and he's never done anything remotely like this before (and be honest with yourself about this one), then I would not automatically go to DTMFA. I would suggest (a) talking this out, and (b) possibly counseling. Hell, probably counseling.
And if he ever does anything like this again? That's when you worry about getting out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:50 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
And if he ever does anything like this again? That's when you worry about getting out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:50 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Obviously there are a lot of strong comparisons to be made with this thread which dzaz brought up right away. But I feel less comfortable immediately rushing to "DTMFA and leave now" on this one.
First of all I'll say that this seems to be the best comment on the subject; this is ambiguous and complicated and talking with some professionals would probably be best. I think AskMeFi is great at unambiguous situations like the previously mentioned thread, but this one's a bit more complicated. Here's what I've been able to make of it so far though:
The really bad:
-Physical and verbal overreaction to really minor thing (mouthwash cap)
-Admitting to purposefully trying to scare you
-Initially denying that he had done anything wrong and claiming it was your fault for overreacting.
-You stating "this is the first sign of any anger like this that I've seen" in one paragraph and then just a little further down stating "his kind of lashing out at me when I call him out on doing something inappropriate has happened once before; this seems like a defense mechanism more than anything else." Which is it OP, did you notice you contradicted yourself here? And that your tone is a bit protective of him when he's doing something pretty lame to you? I don't mean to bully you but I'm really curious what this means; please think about it.
-Apparently, he did know at least that you had a history of abuse, if not sexual assault, if I'm reading this right (your follow-up): "My boyfriend does know about the sexual assault (I told him shortly after we started dating to make sure he knew what was up if I got triggered)."
The mitigating factors:
-You were able to sit down pretty quickly and have a conversation about it.
-He did finally admit to doing something wrong and agreed to work on it (right?).
-In three years, you say he's overall been loving, sensitive, caring, etc., and not done anything that triggered you ever (however, it seems there is some ambiguity here as you have stated he has lashed out at you before...so what is his general level of anger like? Are you telling us everything?).
I'm not clear what the total of this balance sheet will be for you, OP. I agree with others who say that we are all humans and make mistakes and change is possible. But please do listen to vincele's great advice and look at getting some outside perspective on this. It's hard for us to know exactly what is going on here with the two of you.
Best of luck.
posted by dubitable at 1:54 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
First of all I'll say that this seems to be the best comment on the subject; this is ambiguous and complicated and talking with some professionals would probably be best. I think AskMeFi is great at unambiguous situations like the previously mentioned thread, but this one's a bit more complicated. Here's what I've been able to make of it so far though:
The really bad:
-Physical and verbal overreaction to really minor thing (mouthwash cap)
-Admitting to purposefully trying to scare you
-Initially denying that he had done anything wrong and claiming it was your fault for overreacting.
-You stating "this is the first sign of any anger like this that I've seen" in one paragraph and then just a little further down stating "his kind of lashing out at me when I call him out on doing something inappropriate has happened once before; this seems like a defense mechanism more than anything else." Which is it OP, did you notice you contradicted yourself here? And that your tone is a bit protective of him when he's doing something pretty lame to you? I don't mean to bully you but I'm really curious what this means; please think about it.
-Apparently, he did know at least that you had a history of abuse, if not sexual assault, if I'm reading this right (your follow-up): "My boyfriend does know about the sexual assault (I told him shortly after we started dating to make sure he knew what was up if I got triggered)."
The mitigating factors:
-You were able to sit down pretty quickly and have a conversation about it.
-He did finally admit to doing something wrong and agreed to work on it (right?).
-In three years, you say he's overall been loving, sensitive, caring, etc., and not done anything that triggered you ever (however, it seems there is some ambiguity here as you have stated he has lashed out at you before...so what is his general level of anger like? Are you telling us everything?).
I'm not clear what the total of this balance sheet will be for you, OP. I agree with others who say that we are all humans and make mistakes and change is possible. But please do listen to vincele's great advice and look at getting some outside perspective on this. It's hard for us to know exactly what is going on here with the two of you.
Best of luck.
posted by dubitable at 1:54 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
IF this is a first time thing And you talked it out i dont think you have anything to worry about. Has he had any stress lately?
Right away everybody is saying leave him. He talked it out with you. What more do you want from him ?
Everybody else keep in mind we are hearing one side of the story. Coming from somebody who has been assaulted she could be making this a lot bigger then what really happened.
he could have grabbed her arm and said dont do that like talking to a child type thing.
So This does not sound like something that should be made bigger. He talked it out with her and thats that.
posted by majortom1981 at 2:13 PM on October 11, 2010
Right away everybody is saying leave him. He talked it out with you. What more do you want from him ?
Everybody else keep in mind we are hearing one side of the story. Coming from somebody who has been assaulted she could be making this a lot bigger then what really happened.
he could have grabbed her arm and said dont do that like talking to a child type thing.
So This does not sound like something that should be made bigger. He talked it out with her and thats that.
posted by majortom1981 at 2:13 PM on October 11, 2010
OP, this may very much not at all be your case, but speaking as a person who lived through a similar beginning and ending up with an abusive spouse, I can only tell you that this is pretty much how it started with me. My husband didn't start hitting me the day I met him. It took years for increasingly controlling behaviors to turn into that.
And maybe as an abuse survivor here I may seem to have a knee-jerk hyperbolic reaction. But as someone who have lived through abuse, all I can tell you is: this is how it started. It started with one event where I made him angry and he shoved me. Then a denial/gaslighting of events. many apologies. Then he did it again. And so it went.
posted by dzaz at 2:17 PM on October 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
And maybe as an abuse survivor here I may seem to have a knee-jerk hyperbolic reaction. But as someone who have lived through abuse, all I can tell you is: this is how it started. It started with one event where I made him angry and he shoved me. Then a denial/gaslighting of events. many apologies. Then he did it again. And so it went.
posted by dzaz at 2:17 PM on October 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
Everybody else keep in mind we are hearing one side of the story. Coming from somebody who has been assaulted she could be making this a lot bigger then what really happened.
Or, a lot smaller.
posted by dubitable at 2:17 PM on October 11, 2010 [8 favorites]
Or, a lot smaller.
posted by dubitable at 2:17 PM on October 11, 2010 [8 favorites]
I have never been physically assaulted, and I don't know how it would affect me. But if I were dating someone who got upset enough to yell at me over dental products, I would insist on anger management counseling as a condition of continuing the relationship. Even if this was the first time he's ever laid a hand on you in anger, the fact that he can generate that much anger over such a tiny thing is very, very troubling to me. He needs to take a look at why this incident was so upsetting to him that it caused him to lash out at you in this way, and he needs to figure out how to keep from doing it again. You should ask him what he plans to do to learn how to deal with his feelings more productively in the future. Listen to his answer and decide whether you're satisfied with it. None of us can tell you whether this relationship is going to work out, but he needs to figure out for himself how to control himself, and I think that you deserve someone who is willing to do that.
posted by decathecting at 2:21 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 2:21 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think the fact that you have been assaulted - and the fact that he knew about it - are just icing and sprinkles on the cake of total inappropriateness.
Grabbing? And yelling? Over a MOUTHWASH CAP?! That's stone-cold bullshit. If a kindergartener did this, his parents would have to come have an awkward conversation with the teacher. When a GROWN-UP does it, it's a bazillion times less-acceptable.
I am an incredibly reasonable, accommodating girlfriend. If my boyfriend ever pulled any shit like that, I'd be staying over a friend's house that night, and I'd be calling to say, "If anything even REMOTELY on that spectrum occurs again, you will never see me again - got it?"
posted by julthumbscrew at 3:46 PM on October 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
Grabbing? And yelling? Over a MOUTHWASH CAP?! That's stone-cold bullshit. If a kindergartener did this, his parents would have to come have an awkward conversation with the teacher. When a GROWN-UP does it, it's a bazillion times less-acceptable.
I am an incredibly reasonable, accommodating girlfriend. If my boyfriend ever pulled any shit like that, I'd be staying over a friend's house that night, and I'd be calling to say, "If anything even REMOTELY on that spectrum occurs again, you will never see me again - got it?"
posted by julthumbscrew at 3:46 PM on October 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure why you are the one writing to us about how to "rebuild trust" and "moving on from this isolated incident"??
Your BF is the one who wronged you. Let him make it up to you. Let him ask you how he should best proceed moving forward to help you.
He grabbed you. Why are you worrying about his feelings here?
posted by jbenben at 4:30 PM on October 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
Your BF is the one who wronged you. Let him make it up to you. Let him ask you how he should best proceed moving forward to help you.
He grabbed you. Why are you worrying about his feelings here?
posted by jbenben at 4:30 PM on October 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
I think the real test here is whether or not he can accept that you will never rinse out the mouthwash cap again.
He is welcome to rinse it himself, before using it. Or to buy his own mouthwash that is just for him.
I'm not kidding.
There's no better way to make it up to you -- it puts the whole thing in perspective.
posted by vitabellosi at 4:37 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
He is welcome to rinse it himself, before using it. Or to buy his own mouthwash that is just for him.
I'm not kidding.
There's no better way to make it up to you -- it puts the whole thing in perspective.
posted by vitabellosi at 4:37 PM on October 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
If this helps...
When I was much younger, a switch would sometimes go off in my head when something felt wrong, and I thought that some action or statement on my part was necessary. To express my concern/displeasure/objection.
One day, a much-loved colleague said to me, "Yeah, I saw that look on your face, and I knew that the next thing you said would make you sound like an asshole. I know that's not who you are, but that's the impression you sometimes make."
I never forgot it, and from that day forward, whenever I feel righteous anger (or whatever) rising up, I suppress it. My life has improved as a result.
You don't say how old your boyfriend is. He needs to mature. Maybe you can help him with that, maybe not. But having been on the "needs to make a point forcefully" end of the stick, if you're so inclined, you might want to see if he is open to education.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 6:17 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I was much younger, a switch would sometimes go off in my head when something felt wrong, and I thought that some action or statement on my part was necessary. To express my concern/displeasure/objection.
One day, a much-loved colleague said to me, "Yeah, I saw that look on your face, and I knew that the next thing you said would make you sound like an asshole. I know that's not who you are, but that's the impression you sometimes make."
I never forgot it, and from that day forward, whenever I feel righteous anger (or whatever) rising up, I suppress it. My life has improved as a result.
You don't say how old your boyfriend is. He needs to mature. Maybe you can help him with that, maybe not. But having been on the "needs to make a point forcefully" end of the stick, if you're so inclined, you might want to see if he is open to education.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 6:17 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I cannot believe people in this thread are recommending you get out of this relationship. The man is human. He made a really stupid decision. Men get angry. It's not a pattern for this guy. It's a one time ordeal. He wasn't thinking when it went down. Forgive him.
posted by lakerk at 6:27 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by lakerk at 6:27 PM on October 11, 2010
You've gotten plenty of advice about how big of a deal this is, but I want to reiterate: it's just as big as you, personally (not anybody else on the internet), feel it to be.
On your next questions about how to deal with this in the relationship, and how to rebuild trust, talk to him about the fact that that's what you need. Work with him to come up with some ways to rebuild trust that aren't just "not scaring one another", but are something more concrete, like, "showing kindness and caring in xxx ways". If you come at this from a standpoint of what you need in order to feel safe and supported again in the relationship, he may feel guilty (because he did a bad thing), but will be able to move on to doing what he can to Make It Better.
posted by ldthomps at 6:41 PM on October 11, 2010
On your next questions about how to deal with this in the relationship, and how to rebuild trust, talk to him about the fact that that's what you need. Work with him to come up with some ways to rebuild trust that aren't just "not scaring one another", but are something more concrete, like, "showing kindness and caring in xxx ways". If you come at this from a standpoint of what you need in order to feel safe and supported again in the relationship, he may feel guilty (because he did a bad thing), but will be able to move on to doing what he can to Make It Better.
posted by ldthomps at 6:41 PM on October 11, 2010
I skipped the comments after the fifteenth one that didn't answer the question. I trust your interpretation, OP, that this is a one-off event that is totally out of character.
how do you deal with being triggered in your relationship, and what is the best way to talk to him about this without hurting him? What are the best ways to start rebuilding trust and moving on from this isolated incident?
I'm not a survivor of sexual assault, but of a bad / perhaps "emotionally abusive" relationship, and here's how I deal with being triggered:
- Recognize there is value in the fear, rather than dismissing it as some crazy irrelevancy. (I don't get triggered randomly myself, though at one point I mistakenly thought I was doing so.) It doesn't sound like you're second guessing yourself. Good!
- Draw a super-clear boundary. Something like: "I refuse to be in a relationship where someone ... and I want you to know that if you ever again ..." It sounds like you did this very well.
- Spend a little time immediately after the incident reassuring yourself that it's over and that you're safe, and that you're safe because you protected yourself. I put myself in an imaginary bubble sometimes, or go for a walk. Talk to yourself about the steps you took to ensure that doesn't happen again. The message here is: you are protected, I will do everything I can to protect you.*
- Acknowledge the fear and anger and whatever else came up. For me, triggering often releases when I acknowledge just how shitty I am feeling and how extremely justified I am in feeling that way. You are the closest friend you have when it comes to really understanding the event you went through, and the terrible fear that arises. Be understood, heard, and comforted by your own self because you may be able to do it better than anyone else in the world.
- Then enforce those boundaries. Watch for further signs of trouble. Hopefully you're right that he accidentally went too far. But if not, spring into action again with the consequences you outlined above.
That's my simple formula: trust the alarm bells, take protective action, remind yourself how fast your protective forces took action and will again next time, comfort yourself in this resurgence of fright and anger etc., and then monitor the situation and respond as appropriate.
Now, it seems like there's a separate issue here involving defensiveness or something from your boyfriend. I might wait a day or so and then try again to talk to him starting with a preamble like "I know you already apologized and I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but can we talk some more about last night? I just want to feel understood here. It was really scary to me, and I want to feel like we're on the same side again, and to get there I want to feel like you really understand why this freaked me out so much. Again, this feeling I have is not because what you did is the worst thing in the world or something; you've already said it won't happen again, and I believe you. My strong reaction here is partially because of the history I bring, so I just want you to listen to me and understand why this is so hard for me. That will help me feel safe with you." And then talk. If problems persist after that attempt, I'd suggest couples counseling because if he can't let you have your own feelings and listen to them without counter-attacks or defensiveness, your ability to communicate in many many ways will be hampered. Best of luck.
* Is this different for sexual assault survivors? Since what I lived through was due to my own unwillingness to walk away, rather than an act of random violence, it might not be a useful message.
posted by salvia at 8:04 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
how do you deal with being triggered in your relationship, and what is the best way to talk to him about this without hurting him? What are the best ways to start rebuilding trust and moving on from this isolated incident?
I'm not a survivor of sexual assault, but of a bad / perhaps "emotionally abusive" relationship, and here's how I deal with being triggered:
- Recognize there is value in the fear, rather than dismissing it as some crazy irrelevancy. (I don't get triggered randomly myself, though at one point I mistakenly thought I was doing so.) It doesn't sound like you're second guessing yourself. Good!
- Draw a super-clear boundary. Something like: "I refuse to be in a relationship where someone ... and I want you to know that if you ever again ..." It sounds like you did this very well.
- Spend a little time immediately after the incident reassuring yourself that it's over and that you're safe, and that you're safe because you protected yourself. I put myself in an imaginary bubble sometimes, or go for a walk. Talk to yourself about the steps you took to ensure that doesn't happen again. The message here is: you are protected, I will do everything I can to protect you.*
- Acknowledge the fear and anger and whatever else came up. For me, triggering often releases when I acknowledge just how shitty I am feeling and how extremely justified I am in feeling that way. You are the closest friend you have when it comes to really understanding the event you went through, and the terrible fear that arises. Be understood, heard, and comforted by your own self because you may be able to do it better than anyone else in the world.
- Then enforce those boundaries. Watch for further signs of trouble. Hopefully you're right that he accidentally went too far. But if not, spring into action again with the consequences you outlined above.
That's my simple formula: trust the alarm bells, take protective action, remind yourself how fast your protective forces took action and will again next time, comfort yourself in this resurgence of fright and anger etc., and then monitor the situation and respond as appropriate.
Now, it seems like there's a separate issue here involving defensiveness or something from your boyfriend. I might wait a day or so and then try again to talk to him starting with a preamble like "I know you already apologized and I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but can we talk some more about last night? I just want to feel understood here. It was really scary to me, and I want to feel like we're on the same side again, and to get there I want to feel like you really understand why this freaked me out so much. Again, this feeling I have is not because what you did is the worst thing in the world or something; you've already said it won't happen again, and I believe you. My strong reaction here is partially because of the history I bring, so I just want you to listen to me and understand why this is so hard for me. That will help me feel safe with you." And then talk. If problems persist after that attempt, I'd suggest couples counseling because if he can't let you have your own feelings and listen to them without counter-attacks or defensiveness, your ability to communicate in many many ways will be hampered. Best of luck.
* Is this different for sexual assault survivors? Since what I lived through was due to my own unwillingness to walk away, rather than an act of random violence, it might not be a useful message.
posted by salvia at 8:04 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I also strongly agree with Ironmouth's suggestion. After the "preamble" that I mention, I would then explain your intense feelings related to the trauma you previously experienced, so that he can understand what goes on in your head when someone does something physically frightening.
posted by salvia at 8:10 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by salvia at 8:10 PM on October 11, 2010
Some people weren't taught how to manage unpleasant emotions and sudden anger when they were children. They blow up over small things, and get forgiven for it because people can tell they don't really mean to act like such a dick. They often benefit from practical advice and tips on how to deal with it when they realise it's pissing off their partners. If your boyfriend wants to make sure that this doesn't happen again, he could read a book on how to deal with irritation and anger in an appropriate way, to learn some better habits. Or get some therapy for it, if it's very serious.
Because grabbing and yelling over a mouthwash cap (even if it's the thousandth time you've done things your way instead of his way) is the kind of behavior I'd expect from a toddler who hasn't yet learned to manage their emotions. It's not a reasonable reaction to a normal sort of irritation.
If your boyfriend isn't interested in learning better ways to deal with small problems, or insists that it's your fault or that you're overreacting, then you need to think seriously about whether or not he's really got your best interests at heart. You have specific needs in a relationship and you deserve to have basic boundaries respected.
posted by harriet vane at 7:19 AM on October 12, 2010
Because grabbing and yelling over a mouthwash cap (even if it's the thousandth time you've done things your way instead of his way) is the kind of behavior I'd expect from a toddler who hasn't yet learned to manage their emotions. It's not a reasonable reaction to a normal sort of irritation.
If your boyfriend isn't interested in learning better ways to deal with small problems, or insists that it's your fault or that you're overreacting, then you need to think seriously about whether or not he's really got your best interests at heart. You have specific needs in a relationship and you deserve to have basic boundaries respected.
posted by harriet vane at 7:19 AM on October 12, 2010
I can't believe so many people are suggesting that you continue this relationship. You have one life. Would you really want to spend more of it with someone like this? I've never been assaulted, and have had the benefit of kind, amazing boyfriends, but I had one boyfriend who would occasionally blow up like this, and there is an astronomical difference between the feelings of intimacy and safety I felt with the men who were and were not capable of this kind of anger. The people capable of this are not necessarily terrible people, but I don't believe they are ideal mates. And you get to seek the very best mate possible.
posted by wondershrew with a helping of potato salad at 7:21 AM on October 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by wondershrew with a helping of potato salad at 7:21 AM on October 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
It is impossible to know whether you should confront your boyfriend, stay with him, or leave based on other people's experiences, or how your story resonates with people who identify with you or your boyfriend.
Please speak to a person trained to listen to you. They will not tell you what to do or how to feel.
Only you can determine what your next move should be. A sounding board is your best tool.
However well-intentioned, the advice in this thread is reckless.
posted by vincele at 8:36 AM on October 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Please speak to a person trained to listen to you. They will not tell you what to do or how to feel.
Only you can determine what your next move should be. A sounding board is your best tool.
However well-intentioned, the advice in this thread is reckless.
posted by vincele at 8:36 AM on October 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
Huge thank you to everyone for the tremendous amount of support and the thoughtful and compassionate responses. I had been worried that I was over-reacting, and reading your comments validated a lot of the anger and fear that I had been feeling about the incident.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:10 AM on October 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
Last night I called the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The person I spoke with was very helpful; after speaking with her I decided is that I don't need to make any decisions right now. I'm going to stay with my boyfriend for now, but be extra aware of anything that seems off and if something doesn't feel right I'm going to get out. If I need to speak with anyone, I have readily available therapy, and I can also call the Hotline again. As it is now, I feel safe enough with my boyfriend to be alone with him, and I feel like I can talk to him.
At this point, I'm more angry with him for initially responding in such a disappointing and assholish way to the initial incident than anything else; his attempt to make me into the unreasonable one in this scenario is probably what sits worst and what will take the longest for me to move on from.
He and I had another discussion last night; during that, he agreed to go to couple therapy with me on Thursday. We'll see what happens from there.
In any case, I want to thank you all for your compassionate and thoughtful feedback. I read every comment multiple times, and you've given me much to think about. Thank you.
I think that you did the absolutely correct thing by refusing to feel bad about your reaction and sitting your boyfriend down to lay out the law about how he can react to situations in the future without making you feel unsafe. I have not been sexually assaulted, but I experienced a lot of scary violence as a kid and still have triggers that can set me off into a panic attack (angry yelling, looming, etc.).
I think the most important thing for you is to (as you seem to have done) accept that you have triggers and that they are valid responses to something very bad that happened. You do not need to apologize or diminish their importance for the sake of a relationship. It can sometimes be difficult for other people to react well to these events - they see you being happy and well-adjusted and then something takes that away immediately. I think a lot of the bad reactions that I've received from people when I've been triggered is that at first they are frightened and then they suspect they are being manipulated. Once I explain things to them, though, those who I choose to continue a relationship with will do their absolute best to never, ever make me feel that way again.
You told your boyfriend about your assault. He chose to reinforce a point by grabbing you and scaring you. It's definitely possible that he didn't really understand or take seriously the reaction that you might have to his tactic. Honestly, I feel that he should feel guilty about his actions and it shouldn't be your responsibility to keep that from happening. You likewise shouldn't feel obligated in any way to downplay the intensity of the reaction you have to these triggers and diminish the importance of having him avoiding behaviors that trigger you.
How important this incident is to you should be determined by you and your feelings alone. I've come to realize that there is no such thing as normal. Everyone has something that affects them in irrational ways. If you truly feel that he now understands the magnitude of what he did, and trust him to never do it again, then great. If you feel betrayed and disrespected, then that's also valid. If you decide to continue this relationship, it's vital that he understand and respect that there can never be another incident like this again, that your reaction is a valid reaction, that you are willing to accept that he didn't realize how you would react - but now he does know and his future actions will be interpreted with that knowledge in mind.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:31 AM on October 12, 2010
I think the most important thing for you is to (as you seem to have done) accept that you have triggers and that they are valid responses to something very bad that happened. You do not need to apologize or diminish their importance for the sake of a relationship. It can sometimes be difficult for other people to react well to these events - they see you being happy and well-adjusted and then something takes that away immediately. I think a lot of the bad reactions that I've received from people when I've been triggered is that at first they are frightened and then they suspect they are being manipulated. Once I explain things to them, though, those who I choose to continue a relationship with will do their absolute best to never, ever make me feel that way again.
You told your boyfriend about your assault. He chose to reinforce a point by grabbing you and scaring you. It's definitely possible that he didn't really understand or take seriously the reaction that you might have to his tactic. Honestly, I feel that he should feel guilty about his actions and it shouldn't be your responsibility to keep that from happening. You likewise shouldn't feel obligated in any way to downplay the intensity of the reaction you have to these triggers and diminish the importance of having him avoiding behaviors that trigger you.
How important this incident is to you should be determined by you and your feelings alone. I've come to realize that there is no such thing as normal. Everyone has something that affects them in irrational ways. If you truly feel that he now understands the magnitude of what he did, and trust him to never do it again, then great. If you feel betrayed and disrespected, then that's also valid. If you decide to continue this relationship, it's vital that he understand and respect that there can never be another incident like this again, that your reaction is a valid reaction, that you are willing to accept that he didn't realize how you would react - but now he does know and his future actions will be interpreted with that knowledge in mind.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:31 AM on October 12, 2010
I'm going to stay with my boyfriend for now, but be extra aware of anything that seems off and if something doesn't feel right I'm going to get out.
You have made a firm decision after conferring with someone who Knows What They're Doing, and I commend you on that. Just remember, if you ever need to find the strength, god forbid, to carry out the second part, we're all here to help you.
posted by griphus at 9:55 AM on October 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
You have made a firm decision after conferring with someone who Knows What They're Doing, and I commend you on that. Just remember, if you ever need to find the strength, god forbid, to carry out the second part, we're all here to help you.
posted by griphus at 9:55 AM on October 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
You definitely handled this the correct way. Considering the situation, talking about it must have been extremely difficult. While I don't think that there was ANY reason for your boyfriend to grab you I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion here that your boyfriend is some sort of abusive guy. He lost control which is NOT acceptable, but it can happen. I'd say that if you wanna continue this relationship it's ok to do so. But do it with a strong level of cation. If anything even close to something like this happens again, I would immediately end the relationship. For now it will take some time to get over the situation. He better work his butt of to make things right. I wish you all the best.
posted by ljs30 at 2:08 PM on October 12, 2010
posted by ljs30 at 2:08 PM on October 12, 2010
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posted by dzaz at 12:42 PM on October 11, 2010 [6 favorites]