What does "going out" mean?
October 11, 2010 10:36 AM Subscribe
Silly first-time relationship question: what does "going out" actually mean?
I'm a guy in my early 20s and I've never been on a date with anyone. A few days ago ago, a girl that I've been getting quite close to asked me if I would go out with her. I said yes, and now I'm not entirely sure what to do next. We already see each other almost every day and spend hours together, often cuddling late into the night. (She lives in a shared house that I often visit.) I'd love to go out with her more often, but what exactly distinguishes "going out" from just spending time together? I always thought that the point of dating (is it the same thing as "going out"?) was to spend more time with a person and to get to know them better, but we do so much of that already! How will it change the relationship we already have?
Or, was her intent more that we should be an official couple? Is it common to use "will you go out with me?" to mean "will you be my boyfriend?"
I realize I'm completely plate-of-beaning the situation, but I simply don't have the experience to just let it slide. I've never taken a step past friendship with anyone, and I feel like I'm making it up as I go along. The last thing I want to do is screw it up due to some silly misunderstanding!
Apologies if my youthful naïvité has made you gag.
I'm a guy in my early 20s and I've never been on a date with anyone. A few days ago ago, a girl that I've been getting quite close to asked me if I would go out with her. I said yes, and now I'm not entirely sure what to do next. We already see each other almost every day and spend hours together, often cuddling late into the night. (She lives in a shared house that I often visit.) I'd love to go out with her more often, but what exactly distinguishes "going out" from just spending time together? I always thought that the point of dating (is it the same thing as "going out"?) was to spend more time with a person and to get to know them better, but we do so much of that already! How will it change the relationship we already have?
Or, was her intent more that we should be an official couple? Is it common to use "will you go out with me?" to mean "will you be my boyfriend?"
I realize I'm completely plate-of-beaning the situation, but I simply don't have the experience to just let it slide. I've never taken a step past friendship with anyone, and I feel like I'm making it up as I go along. The last thing I want to do is screw it up due to some silly misunderstanding!
Apologies if my youthful naïvité has made you gag.
If you two are already spending a lot of time together, it seems to me that "will you go out with me?" did indeed mean, "will you be my boyfriend?"
To answer your question of whether or not this is common, I'd say based on my experience, that it is common.
I don't see any harm in casually bringing it up to clarify though.
posted by DeltaForce at 10:39 AM on October 11, 2010
To answer your question of whether or not this is common, I'd say based on my experience, that it is common.
I don't see any harm in casually bringing it up to clarify though.
posted by DeltaForce at 10:39 AM on October 11, 2010
Is it common to use "will you go out with me?" to mean "will you be my boyfriend?"
Yes, but it can also mean, "Will you go out with me on a date." Context is everything. When you replied "yes," assuming you did, did she say, "Okay, how about Saturday night?" or did she she just say, "Cool"?
posted by amro at 10:40 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, but it can also mean, "Will you go out with me on a date." Context is everything. When you replied "yes," assuming you did, did she say, "Okay, how about Saturday night?" or did she she just say, "Cool"?
posted by amro at 10:40 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
While scroedinger is likely right, I'd start slower- kissing, perhaps? For now, I'd probably act a bit couple-esque, but don't assume she considers you to be in an exclusive relationship. (i.e. dating rather than friends with obvious chemistry.)
Plan events focused around you and her together rather than hanging out at the house.
posted by JMOZ at 10:41 AM on October 11, 2010
Plan events focused around you and her together rather than hanging out at the house.
posted by JMOZ at 10:41 AM on October 11, 2010
Back when I was first dating, this was the thing you'd say to someone in the interval between light physical activity [snuggling, kissing] and before more serious physical activity [nekkidness, whatever]. So "Do you want to go out with me?" would mean "Do you want to be my girlfriend/boyfriend and take this further?" in some way. When I was a high school kid, this also meant exclusive, though more today may be different. This is not the same, of course, as a date invitation "Do you want to go out with me to a movie?" so make sure you've got your transitive/intransitive senses correct.
posted by jessamyn at 10:42 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn at 10:42 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is it common to use "will you go out with me?" to mean "will you be my boyfriend?"
It is where I'm from (in the UK, which may or may not apply to you). Honestly, though, probably the best person to tell you how this girl sees your relationship is this girl herself. You don't need to phrase that as a huge Serious Talk about your relative levels of experience, either; it's the ki d of talk you can have as part of a conversation about how much you're enjoying how things are at the moment.
I feel like I'm making it up as I go along
You are. So are the rest of us, experienced and inexperienced alike. Relax, enjoy the good things, don't be afraid to talk to whoever you're seeing about how things are going, and don't go through life feeling like everyone else got handed a manual you didn't. You'll be fine.
posted by Catseye at 10:48 AM on October 11, 2010
It is where I'm from (in the UK, which may or may not apply to you). Honestly, though, probably the best person to tell you how this girl sees your relationship is this girl herself. You don't need to phrase that as a huge Serious Talk about your relative levels of experience, either; it's the ki d of talk you can have as part of a conversation about how much you're enjoying how things are at the moment.
I feel like I'm making it up as I go along
You are. So are the rest of us, experienced and inexperienced alike. Relax, enjoy the good things, don't be afraid to talk to whoever you're seeing about how things are going, and don't go through life feeling like everyone else got handed a manual you didn't. You'll be fine.
posted by Catseye at 10:48 AM on October 11, 2010
A few days ago ago, a girl that I've been getting quite close to asked me if I would go out with her.
...
We already see each other almost every day and spend hours together, often cuddling late into the night.
Next time you two are are on the couch, late at night, summon up more ball than you ever had in your life and plant one on her (on the lips.)
posted by griphus at 10:49 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
...
We already see each other almost every day and spend hours together, often cuddling late into the night.
Next time you two are are on the couch, late at night, summon up more ball than you ever had in your life and plant one on her (on the lips.)
posted by griphus at 10:49 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Silly first-time relationship question: what does "going out" actually mean?
Definitions vary. The only answer that matters is hers, so ask, saying what you wrote here i.e. you're new at relationships and not sure what that phrased means.
Don't worry about it wrecking anything. If she likes you, it'll just come across as cute. If she doesn't like you in that way, then she'll probably be grateful you tried to clear things up.
posted by nomadicink at 10:54 AM on October 11, 2010
Definitions vary. The only answer that matters is hers, so ask, saying what you wrote here i.e. you're new at relationships and not sure what that phrased means.
Don't worry about it wrecking anything. If she likes you, it'll just come across as cute. If she doesn't like you in that way, then she'll probably be grateful you tried to clear things up.
posted by nomadicink at 10:54 AM on October 11, 2010
The use of "will you go out with me?" to mean "will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" is something I've heard mostly from younger and/or more inexperienced people. It sounds like that could be the case with her, but I'm not sure it matters. Whether she was asking you to be her boyfriend or literally asking you out on a date, she wants to change the nature of your relationship. Instead of having this ambiguous cuddly friendship situation, she wants the two of you to keep spending time together, but now with the conscious intention of developing a relationship.
posted by spinto at 10:55 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by spinto at 10:55 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think spinto is right on here--she meant that she has the intention of developing a relationship with you. While developing good relationship communication skills are important, I'm not sure you have to have a formal talk about this. It will become pretty apparent what she means by this shortly. Maybe she'll change her Facebook relationship status, she'll refer to you as her boyfriend when introducing you to friends etc. If you're uncomfortable with the vagueness, you can tell her that you really like her and hope she'd consider having an exclusive relationship with her and vice versa (but of course in a much cooler way than that).
posted by Kimberly at 11:16 AM on October 11, 2010
posted by Kimberly at 11:16 AM on October 11, 2010
Just ask her.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 11:24 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by KirkJobSluder at 11:24 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I heard this I'd think that it meant "I'm very young and inexperienced, and I'd like you to know that I like you... like, LIKE you like you". Presumably with some intention of going out on a date (as opposed to just hanging out) and of perhaps holding hands or smooching, but it's quite possible she doesn't really know what she expects to happen next, and is hoping that you have some more concrete ideas!
I'd also think the person was about 13 years old and I'd be surreptitiously checking whether they were misrepresenting their age.
In the UK "going out" would also imply monogamy, but YMMV in other places.
what exactly distinguishes "going out" from just spending time together?
Traditionally, you pick a fairly organised activity such as going out for dinner, or going to the cinema or the theatre. This activity has to take place outside your house, and preferably presents an opportunity to dress up a bit. It has to be clear that it's just you and her. You ask her to come in advance, as in "Would you like to go and see Such-a-film with me tomorrow?". You dress up reasonably smartly, you pick her up, you go on this Date. You - as the one who organised the trip - offer to pay for both of you, but don't insist on it if she wants to go dutch. Afterwards, if all goes well, you go back to her place, or yours, and engage in some mild smooching (or possibly wild sex, but I guess in this case smooching is what's initially on the cards).
posted by emilyw at 11:42 AM on October 11, 2010
I'd also think the person was about 13 years old and I'd be surreptitiously checking whether they were misrepresenting their age.
In the UK "going out" would also imply monogamy, but YMMV in other places.
what exactly distinguishes "going out" from just spending time together?
Traditionally, you pick a fairly organised activity such as going out for dinner, or going to the cinema or the theatre. This activity has to take place outside your house, and preferably presents an opportunity to dress up a bit. It has to be clear that it's just you and her. You ask her to come in advance, as in "Would you like to go and see Such-a-film with me tomorrow?". You dress up reasonably smartly, you pick her up, you go on this Date. You - as the one who organised the trip - offer to pay for both of you, but don't insist on it if she wants to go dutch. Afterwards, if all goes well, you go back to her place, or yours, and engage in some mild smooching (or possibly wild sex, but I guess in this case smooching is what's initially on the cards).
posted by emilyw at 11:42 AM on October 11, 2010
I always thought that the point of dating (is it the same thing as "going out"?) was to spend more time with a person and to get to know them better, but we do so much of that already!
I can talk with my friends. I can't make out with them.
posted by smackfu at 11:48 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can talk with my friends. I can't make out with them.
posted by smackfu at 11:48 AM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
1. Ask girl out on date
2. Kiss girl
3. Steadily intensify your other physical overtures, while simultaneously trying to anticipate her threshold for them.
posted by hermitosis at 11:55 AM on October 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
2. Kiss girl
3. Steadily intensify your other physical overtures, while simultaneously trying to anticipate her threshold for them.
posted by hermitosis at 11:55 AM on October 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I don't know the specifics but it seems like this is the situation: She likes you and wants to move on from the "just friends" situation to something more physical/relationshippy. She was probably expecting for you to make the first move in that regard, either by asking her on an actual date ("Do you want to get a drink with me on Saturday?") or by getting physical (kissing her, etc.). It sounds like this would definitely be your first date ever and possibly be your first kiss ever, but based on what you've said she's giving you very strong signals that she is totally down with either of those things so if you are down for that too than go for it. Also, don't worry about not being too experienced, there's not really anything you can do other than make things up as you go along, and you'll do more harm than good being overly cautious or nervous than thinking positively and just seeing what happens.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:02 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by burnmp3s at 12:02 PM on October 11, 2010
And people think being married is complicated ;) Don't feel bad. When I was in 8th / 9th grade 'going together' was dating, going steady etc. Then we moved and the relevant phrase in my new school was "going out." It confused the ever living hell out of me at the time. So congratulations. I think you have a girlfriend.
posted by COD at 12:27 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by COD at 12:27 PM on October 11, 2010
Is it common to use "will you go out with me?" to mean "will you be my boyfriend?"
Yep, it's regional, and it sounds like she's from a region where "going out" can also mean staying in and acting like a couple. It sounds like you have yourself a girlfriend.
posted by motsque at 12:27 PM on October 11, 2010
Yep, it's regional, and it sounds like she's from a region where "going out" can also mean staying in and acting like a couple. It sounds like you have yourself a girlfriend.
posted by motsque at 12:27 PM on October 11, 2010
When I was in sixth grade, a group of guys spent the night over at Brock's house. Brock had a big crush on a girl named Taffy (seriously!) so he called her house. It turns out that she was having a slumber party of girls and had a bunch of friends there.
Through the course of conversation, it was determined that Brock and Taffy were going to 'go together' and they decided to hook up all of their friends. I ended up 'going with' a girl named Katie who I didn't know very well.
Being 12, I had no idea what "going with" a girl meant, and so I just avoided Katie at all costs until we went to a skating party where her friend told me she didn't want to "go with" me anymore.
My point: I've always found the whole thing confusing as well. Thank goodness I somehow managed to get married 12 years ago........
posted by tacodave at 12:28 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Through the course of conversation, it was determined that Brock and Taffy were going to 'go together' and they decided to hook up all of their friends. I ended up 'going with' a girl named Katie who I didn't know very well.
Being 12, I had no idea what "going with" a girl meant, and so I just avoided Katie at all costs until we went to a skating party where her friend told me she didn't want to "go with" me anymore.
My point: I've always found the whole thing confusing as well. Thank goodness I somehow managed to get married 12 years ago........
posted by tacodave at 12:28 PM on October 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would guess that in this case "going out" probably means an exclusive relationship. But if you're unsure, just ask what she wants.
posted by easy_being_green at 1:02 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by easy_being_green at 1:02 PM on October 11, 2010
At that age, going out means a date. It can also imply being a boyfriend/girlfriend, though not necessarily. It does NOT mean sex.
The term "going out" is intentionally vague, usually because people lack the confidence to say "I'd like to go on a date with you" or "I'd like to date you" so they say something vague instead and hope the other person gets the hint and takes initiative.
If you like her, go on a date with her. Take initiative. Plan the date. Keep it relatively casual and fun. It could be something as simple as going out for coffee and a walk in the park. A movie can be good, but it's also dangerous because you spend two hours NOT talking. So, if you go that route, make sure the movie is only a part of the date. If it becomes the majority of the date, you lose the opportunity to flirt and get to know each other. Conversation is key! And fun! Do something fun. If a date is fun, you're sooooooooo much more likely to get a second date. After all, who doesn't like to have fun?
Best of luck to you!
posted by 2oh1 at 1:12 PM on October 11, 2010
The term "going out" is intentionally vague, usually because people lack the confidence to say "I'd like to go on a date with you" or "I'd like to date you" so they say something vague instead and hope the other person gets the hint and takes initiative.
If you like her, go on a date with her. Take initiative. Plan the date. Keep it relatively casual and fun. It could be something as simple as going out for coffee and a walk in the park. A movie can be good, but it's also dangerous because you spend two hours NOT talking. So, if you go that route, make sure the movie is only a part of the date. If it becomes the majority of the date, you lose the opportunity to flirt and get to know each other. Conversation is key! And fun! Do something fun. If a date is fun, you're sooooooooo much more likely to get a second date. After all, who doesn't like to have fun?
Best of luck to you!
posted by 2oh1 at 1:12 PM on October 11, 2010
Um, if "going out" means sex, that's new to me, and that means I've been missing out on a lot of stuff over the past few years...
IME, "Going out" has always meant everything from "going on a date or two" and then "being in a relationship".
I'd just ask her. You can be cute about it. "Hey, so, we're going out. Awesome. What does that mean to you?" And then let her define her side of the situation. You can take your cues from there.
:) Congrats, dude.
posted by patronuscharms at 1:40 PM on October 11, 2010
IME, "Going out" has always meant everything from "going on a date or two" and then "being in a relationship".
I'd just ask her. You can be cute about it. "Hey, so, we're going out. Awesome. What does that mean to you?" And then let her define her side of the situation. You can take your cues from there.
:) Congrats, dude.
posted by patronuscharms at 1:40 PM on October 11, 2010
: "I'd love to go out with her more often, but what exactly distinguishes "going out" from just spending time together?How will it change the relationship we already have?"
FYI all of these questions are totally OK questions to have, and perfectly normal, even for people a little more experienced with this sort of stuff.
Going out does not refer to leaving the house . It means that the two of you are in a general state of going outness, ie that you are dating. Cf the term "oh yeah, they've been going out for a while..."
Will it change anything? Not at first I wouldn't think, although it may up your physical interaction. Over time, if you keep going out, it will change as all relationships do with familiarity and trust. More than just being friends, you will probably become each other's "go to" person or default setting for most things.
Does that help?
posted by DarlingBri at 1:55 PM on October 11, 2010
FYI all of these questions are totally OK questions to have, and perfectly normal, even for people a little more experienced with this sort of stuff.
Going out does not refer to leaving the house . It means that the two of you are in a general state of going outness, ie that you are dating. Cf the term "oh yeah, they've been going out for a while..."
Will it change anything? Not at first I wouldn't think, although it may up your physical interaction. Over time, if you keep going out, it will change as all relationships do with familiarity and trust. More than just being friends, you will probably become each other's "go to" person or default setting for most things.
Does that help?
posted by DarlingBri at 1:55 PM on October 11, 2010
Where I'm from, "to go out" in this context does indeed mean "to be boyfriend and girlfriend". Exclusivity implied, leaving the house not required (although people who are going out often go out on dates as well). It's definitely something that indicates shyness, but your own lack of experience with dating says to me that shyness is not a completely ridiculous thing to be feeling here.
posted by Lady Li at 11:06 PM on October 11, 2010
posted by Lady Li at 11:06 PM on October 11, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Anonymous at 10:37 AM on October 11, 2010