How do I shop for a nice dress for someone else online?
October 6, 2010 6:29 AM Subscribe
How do I shop online for a nice dress that someone else (my wife) will wear without notifying her? Since we started dating in college, and for a couple of years after that while we were doing what we were doing, we were never really making enough money to splurge on nice evening wear and so forth. Now, we're finally pretty financially stable, and this year for Christmas I want to get her a very nice evening gown (and some jewelry, but that's easy) for special events and so forth. The kicker is that I live pretty far away from any sort of store that could help me out with this, and any time I do get to any sort of civilization, I'm with my lovely wife and can't exactly do any surreptitious shopping. That leaves the Internet.
Unfortunately, I don't really know enough about dresses to intelligently size one from a distance.
The "without notifying" is pretty important, here, because it loses a lot of the point if it's not a surprise.
Thanks in advance!
Unfortunately, I don't really know enough about dresses to intelligently size one from a distance.
The "without notifying" is pretty important, here, because it loses a lot of the point if it's not a surprise.
Thanks in advance!
Well, not sure how to help you out with the sizing, but maybe by the time you figure that out, your membership at Gilt Group will have gone through, and then you can buy a really fancy designer dress there for a not super ridiculous price.
posted by Grither at 6:33 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by Grither at 6:33 AM on October 6, 2010
Best answer: Does she have a dress in her wardrobe that you can borrow without her noticing? Somethat that fits her fantastically, or that she has stated fits her well. Get the label info and a cloth measure for all the key points (bust, waist, hips, butt, length from seem to hem (and where that hem actually ends on her body)). Also, measure the inseam of a pair of her jeans to get her leg length. Oh, and bra size helps!
This would be a rather creepy thing to do if it were anybody but your wife. As it is = utterly charming.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:34 AM on October 6, 2010
This would be a rather creepy thing to do if it were anybody but your wife. As it is = utterly charming.
posted by iamkimiam at 6:34 AM on October 6, 2010
Clothes are so tricky. Where are you located? If in the US, I suggest a selection from Rent the Runway, with the promise you'll buy the actual dress (or one similar) that she loves the best. They send designer dresses (same dress in 2 sizes, since cuts and sizing vary) for a rental period of (I believe) a week.
posted by ferociouskitty at 6:37 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by ferociouskitty at 6:37 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
iamkimiam seems to have it. If you don't have some means of getting accurate measurements, then perhaps you could turn the purchasing of the gown into an Event where you two go shopping for it together, and make it a date.
posted by bardophile at 6:37 AM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by bardophile at 6:37 AM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Even putting aside the sizing issues, a dress that technically fits your wife might not be one she finds flattering, her style, or something she's comfortable in. All clothing is personal but dresses are particularly tricky. I'd be hesitant to buy a dress online for MYSELF -- there are lots of dresses that seemed great on the rack, but once I tried them on were absolutely not working on my body.
If there's a particular designer/shop she really enjoys, or that you've seen her lusting after in the past, either get her a gift certificate or just make out a nice little card that says, "One Dress from _____ Of Your Choice."
Alternately, you could just take her to the shop in person one day (without initially telling her where you're going) and once you're there, inform her that you aren't leaving again until she's found something fabulous and indulgent to take home with her.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 6:37 AM on October 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
If there's a particular designer/shop she really enjoys, or that you've seen her lusting after in the past, either get her a gift certificate or just make out a nice little card that says, "One Dress from _____ Of Your Choice."
Alternately, you could just take her to the shop in person one day (without initially telling her where you're going) and once you're there, inform her that you aren't leaving again until she's found something fabulous and indulgent to take home with her.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 6:37 AM on October 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
Dresses are hard. All those movies that have montage segments where the beautiful woman tries on, like, ten bazillion dresses before finding the right one aren't, in my experience, that far from reality. I, personally, love formal wear and pretty dresses, but it still takes me forever to find a dress with all the right measurements that I like and which looks good on me. It's hard. With that in mind, here are some ideas:
1) Get her something that looks pretty, but make the gift receipt insanely prominent. Assume, from the get-go, that it wont' fit, or she won't like it, or something else will go wrong. See the point of buying it as just to be able to put it in a box and have her get to open something exciting on Christmas morning. Make clear to her that you most definitely, certainly, entirely are happy if she needs/wants to return it. (The benefit is, she gets to open a present and be surprised on Christmas day, the bad side is that it's very unlikely she'll be able to get a dress that she really likes immediately.)
2) Get a gift card so she can do her own shopping. (Benefit is, she gets a dress she likes without hassle. The down side is, gift cards aren't very romantic.)
3) Not on Christmas, but a few days before or after, say "I've got a surprise for you, but we have to it." Drive her to civilization, specifically a small boutique -- the kind of shop you never would've been able to afford to even step into, before. That's the surprise, and then she gets to shop and try things on, and you get to give her a nice present she loves. (Benefit is, you get to give her the dress she loves, the two of you spend time together, and she gets to be surprised. The down side is, it couldn't be done on Christmas day, itself.)
posted by meese at 6:41 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
1) Get her something that looks pretty, but make the gift receipt insanely prominent. Assume, from the get-go, that it wont' fit, or she won't like it, or something else will go wrong. See the point of buying it as just to be able to put it in a box and have her get to open something exciting on Christmas morning. Make clear to her that you most definitely, certainly, entirely are happy if she needs/wants to return it. (The benefit is, she gets to open a present and be surprised on Christmas day, the bad side is that it's very unlikely she'll be able to get a dress that she really likes immediately.)
2) Get a gift card so she can do her own shopping. (Benefit is, she gets a dress she likes without hassle. The down side is, gift cards aren't very romantic.)
3) Not on Christmas, but a few days before or after, say "I've got a surprise for you, but we have to it." Drive her to civilization, specifically a small boutique -- the kind of shop you never would've been able to afford to even step into, before. That's the surprise, and then she gets to shop and try things on, and you get to give her a nice present she loves. (Benefit is, you get to give her the dress she loves, the two of you spend time together, and she gets to be surprised. The down side is, it couldn't be done on Christmas day, itself.)
posted by meese at 6:41 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is a lovely idea, but for most women I know (and for myself) it just won't work. Clothing sizing is not standard and usually, the fancier the dress, the more arbitrary the size. Also cocktail and formal dresses are styled so differently from daytime clothes, so sizes in the styles you normally wear are not necessarily a good guide. Also, the fancier the dress the bigger the difference between how it looks on the hanger and how it looks on the average woman.
If you can afford the shipping and credit card interest, you could order three or four dresses in three or four sizes, so she can try them on and then send back the ones that don't fit. That could be fun. I actually do that pretty often when I order from retailers (two sizes or two styles and send back the one that doesn't work), but you want to check return policies very very carefully.
It might be best try buy the jewelry and then give a shopping trip for the matching dress.
posted by crush-onastick at 6:42 AM on October 6, 2010
If you can afford the shipping and credit card interest, you could order three or four dresses in three or four sizes, so she can try them on and then send back the ones that don't fit. That could be fun. I actually do that pretty often when I order from retailers (two sizes or two styles and send back the one that doesn't work), but you want to check return policies very very carefully.
It might be best try buy the jewelry and then give a shopping trip for the matching dress.
posted by crush-onastick at 6:42 AM on October 6, 2010
Yeah. Super risky. In 20 years of dating women I've bought a dress for a woman once. And it was a one of a kind dress - I just had a feeling it would fit the girl in question. It happened to be for a charity auction, so I would have been fine either way.
The effect of the dress being:
A. a perfect fit
B. flattering
C. a style she liked
did make it an extremely memorable gift though.
So it may well be worth the risk.
posted by FlamingBore at 6:43 AM on October 6, 2010
The effect of the dress being:
A. a perfect fit
B. flattering
C. a style she liked
did make it an extremely memorable gift though.
So it may well be worth the risk.
posted by FlamingBore at 6:43 AM on October 6, 2010
If you wanted to go a step further with Narrative Priorities' idea (and this depends heavily on your wife and your relationship), you could take her to "nearest shopping city" and make a reservation at Very Nice Restaurant for the evening. Tell your wife that she absolutely must buy a dress, as she will need it for dinner. This might, however, be undue pressure, so again, this depends on a variety of factors.
posted by JMOZ at 6:44 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by JMOZ at 6:44 AM on October 6, 2010
Does she have a shape of dress that she tends to buy? That's probably what you should stick to, as body shapes can differ greatly. Eyeball something that looks similar, pick a size that you've found on one of her tags, and be prepared to have to send it back a couple of times if necessary. Buying clothes is tricky, but the gesture alone will likely be much appreciated.
You might also consider having the package sent somewhere besides your house. Do you have a friend that you could recruit as a co-conspiritor?
posted by Gilbert at 6:45 AM on October 6, 2010
You might also consider having the package sent somewhere besides your house. Do you have a friend that you could recruit as a co-conspiritor?
posted by Gilbert at 6:45 AM on October 6, 2010
if you are dead set on the evening dress idea, i don't think there is a way to suprise her. i know it happens in movies, but not so much in real life. Fit and styling alone could really cause you fits. You could however make a day of it and take her to civilization to a upscale dress shop with a salon where they will wait on her hand and foot and let her pick out what she wants. It is a pretty fabulous feeling to shop where you stay in a posh little room and they bring all the pretty shiny things TO you and you don't have to sift through racks to find what you want.
Also, most women who attend events that require evening gowns aren't going to want to wear the same one to every one, like a man would wear a tux. They would like to pick a gown they feel is appropriate for the event. evening gowns are more of a one off kind of deal, not something a women keeps for years in the back of her closet to pull out one or twice a year. styles change too much.
finally, how many events do you go to that really require evening wear? I am thinking you want her to feel like a princess with your gift, but if you don't attend black tie events, there may be a better way for you to do this.
posted by domino at 6:48 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, most women who attend events that require evening gowns aren't going to want to wear the same one to every one, like a man would wear a tux. They would like to pick a gown they feel is appropriate for the event. evening gowns are more of a one off kind of deal, not something a women keeps for years in the back of her closet to pull out one or twice a year. styles change too much.
finally, how many events do you go to that really require evening wear? I am thinking you want her to feel like a princess with your gift, but if you don't attend black tie events, there may be a better way for you to do this.
posted by domino at 6:48 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Oh, I don't know about having a truly hard time finding a dress that's flattering on her, just depends on her general proportions and normal dress size. Whether she's curvy, pear-shaped, large-bosomed, petite... if you told us her dress size (just look on her clothing tags quick) and general shape, it wouldn't be too hard to point you in the right directions for general dress styles that probably would look good on her.
Also pay attention to how she usually wears her clothes, does she like to bare some skin or is she more comfortable covered up? (sleeves vs. sleeveless dresses, whether to include a wrap with the outfit). Does she like to go for patterns or plain cloth? And a safe bet is picking colours she already likes to wear.
Whatever you end up picking, make sure the place will do returns or at least exchanges. A safe bet (and one we do when shopping via catalogue for Sears) is buying the same dress in a few sizes and returning all but the one that fits the best. As said upthread, most online clothing have the measurements available so compare them to measurements taken off some of her good-fitting clothes.
posted by ergo at 6:50 AM on October 6, 2010
Also pay attention to how she usually wears her clothes, does she like to bare some skin or is she more comfortable covered up? (sleeves vs. sleeveless dresses, whether to include a wrap with the outfit). Does she like to go for patterns or plain cloth? And a safe bet is picking colours she already likes to wear.
Whatever you end up picking, make sure the place will do returns or at least exchanges. A safe bet (and one we do when shopping via catalogue for Sears) is buying the same dress in a few sizes and returning all but the one that fits the best. As said upthread, most online clothing have the measurements available so compare them to measurements taken off some of her good-fitting clothes.
posted by ergo at 6:50 AM on October 6, 2010
Three options:
1. Make up a coupon for a shopping trip and stick it in a box wrapped in pretty gift paper.
2. Cut out lots of magazine photos of evening gowns and put them in a card, so that when she opens the card the photos fall out into her lap, and you can then tell her what you want for her. Maybe incude some nice crisp $$$ to fall out with the photos.
3. Purchase a dress online as directed above, knowing that it may not fit perfectly, but the dress will 'represent' the dress that your wife will ultimately buy for herself.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:51 AM on October 6, 2010
1. Make up a coupon for a shopping trip and stick it in a box wrapped in pretty gift paper.
2. Cut out lots of magazine photos of evening gowns and put them in a card, so that when she opens the card the photos fall out into her lap, and you can then tell her what you want for her. Maybe incude some nice crisp $$$ to fall out with the photos.
3. Purchase a dress online as directed above, knowing that it may not fit perfectly, but the dress will 'represent' the dress that your wife will ultimately buy for herself.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:51 AM on October 6, 2010
If my husband did this I would be flattered at the thought but there would be almost 100% chance the dress would not fit right and anytime I wore it out of obligation I would spend the evening miserable and feeling ugly.
Please let her try on and shop for her own dress. Something like a coat is easier to size, what about a huge box with a super fantastic coat/outerwear and luxurious, well-made lingerie, with a fantastic pair of shoes and a bottle of her favourite perfume, spa day gift certificates for the year, and a gift card/money for the dress for herself to buy?
posted by saucysault at 6:56 AM on October 6, 2010 [16 favorites]
Please let her try on and shop for her own dress. Something like a coat is easier to size, what about a huge box with a super fantastic coat/outerwear and luxurious, well-made lingerie, with a fantastic pair of shoes and a bottle of her favourite perfume, spa day gift certificates for the year, and a gift card/money for the dress for herself to buy?
posted by saucysault at 6:56 AM on October 6, 2010 [16 favorites]
Go the extra distance and arrange for her to visit a city with great stores, and hire her a personal shopper for a day or two. The dress itself won't be a surprise, but the trip and the freedom to splurge definitely will. Don't half-ass this on your own, and definitely don't order things for her that fit poorly or make her feel uncomfortable (eg show too much skin, are scratchy, or in a color that makes her look sick).
There's no real male equivalent of this -- if I knew your measurements, your skin tone, and your social situation, I could probably do an ok job of ordering you a suit without ever meeting you. Very little women's formal wear is as baggy and shape-forgiving as even a modern slim-fit suit -- the clothes really have to match her shape, and ideally be bought from a place that does minor tailoring in-house in case she needs adjustments made.
And remember that if you are buying the dress, you are almost certainly also needing to buy new shoes, accessories, and quite possibly undergarments as well. Oh, and possibly makeup, too. (You've already mentioned jewelry, which has its own set of complications.) Make sure that you budget for the whole package -- again, do it right or don't do it, don't saddle her with a great dress and her old crappy shoes that don't quite match the outfit.
posted by Forktine at 7:00 AM on October 6, 2010 [7 favorites]
There's no real male equivalent of this -- if I knew your measurements, your skin tone, and your social situation, I could probably do an ok job of ordering you a suit without ever meeting you. Very little women's formal wear is as baggy and shape-forgiving as even a modern slim-fit suit -- the clothes really have to match her shape, and ideally be bought from a place that does minor tailoring in-house in case she needs adjustments made.
And remember that if you are buying the dress, you are almost certainly also needing to buy new shoes, accessories, and quite possibly undergarments as well. Oh, and possibly makeup, too. (You've already mentioned jewelry, which has its own set of complications.) Make sure that you budget for the whole package -- again, do it right or don't do it, don't saddle her with a great dress and her old crappy shoes that don't quite match the outfit.
posted by Forktine at 7:00 AM on October 6, 2010 [7 favorites]
Is she really, really average as far as size? Not tall, not short, not overweight, not extremely skinny, not extremely busty or flat-chested? Then this might work. I'm short and skinny and flat-chested and I would absolutely dread having my husband pick out a dress for me because I'm extremely picky about what looks good on me. I would MUCH MUCH prefer a lovely day shopping in Chicago capped with a nice dinner. With a husband who did not complain at all about the 40 dresses I tried on.
posted by desjardins at 7:23 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 7:23 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
I agree with the personal shopper and city break idea -- if my husband tried to buy me a dress, no matter how much research he did, it would probably end in me feeling equally hideous and ungrateful and annoyed with him for putting me into that position. Dresses are just really, really hard to get right.
Another idea is a coupon for net-a-porter (assuming she's in the right size range). I'm sure you don't want to do coupons and i would generally agree, but i think most women who love fashion would make an exception for Net-a-Porter.
posted by ukdanae at 7:25 AM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Another idea is a coupon for net-a-porter (assuming she's in the right size range). I'm sure you don't want to do coupons and i would generally agree, but i think most women who love fashion would make an exception for Net-a-Porter.
posted by ukdanae at 7:25 AM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Coming from experience here, if I didn't have a lot of money to spend on clothes for years and then my big splurge hooray purchase was picked out by someone else, I would cry. (Literally cry.) The shopping is at least half of the fun. Also, now you've gone to so much trouble and even if you say it's okay, I can't return it, you'll be hurt. So, either I have a dress that's not the most perfect one in the world that matches what I am imagining in my head or I return it and buy a new one and every time I wear the new perfect dress I think, "God, I suck. I should have kept the one he picked."
Also, the fitting probably won't work. My husband has tried to buy me clothes several times and nothing has ever fit. (It didn't fit when I wore a size 4 approximately 100 years ago and it didn't fit a couple of years ago when I wore a size *mumble*) And the things he bought were nightgowns and casual clothes, not evening wear which would be more complicated. Even the exact right size in a store I'm familiar with might not fit when I am doing the shopping. In any kind of dress, even if you get the three main measurements perfectly (bust, waist, hips) the dress can be screwed up entirely by height measurements. I am 5' 5" (pretty average) and have always had a lot of trouble with the waist in dresses being way lower than my actual waist, for example, so the neckline looks crappy. Also, I have tall friends who still have trouble with straps and things being too long at the shoulders.
posted by artychoke at 7:32 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, the fitting probably won't work. My husband has tried to buy me clothes several times and nothing has ever fit. (It didn't fit when I wore a size 4 approximately 100 years ago and it didn't fit a couple of years ago when I wore a size *mumble*) And the things he bought were nightgowns and casual clothes, not evening wear which would be more complicated. Even the exact right size in a store I'm familiar with might not fit when I am doing the shopping. In any kind of dress, even if you get the three main measurements perfectly (bust, waist, hips) the dress can be screwed up entirely by height measurements. I am 5' 5" (pretty average) and have always had a lot of trouble with the waist in dresses being way lower than my actual waist, for example, so the neckline looks crappy. Also, I have tall friends who still have trouble with straps and things being too long at the shoulders.
posted by artychoke at 7:32 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: You guys work fast! Thanks for the input, it'll give me some resources while I decide what to do. Thank you very much for the specifics on measurements, iamkimiam, that's the sort of detail I wouldn't trust myself to discover alone. Also thank you all for input on the psychology of the thing. I'm pretty confident in my ability to pull this off without making my wife feel bad, but the input is helpful regardless, and it'll allow me to attempt it with more tact than I might have otherwise.
Thanks again!
posted by Slitherrr at 7:37 AM on October 6, 2010
Thanks again!
posted by Slitherrr at 7:37 AM on October 6, 2010
I'm coming in on a more positive note:
I assume you have a credit card. I also assume that you can't put things on it without your wife noticing... If that's the case, you have to shop closer to Xmas so that the statement comes AFTER the surprise!
1) check the sizes of existing dresses that she has. Ditto style. One tip: if she wants to hide her stomach/waist, empire waists are good. If she is slim and small busted, they will look horrible on her.
2) some online places have "live chat" with personal shoppers, free. I think Bluefly does; some department stores may as well. (All the dept stores have big websites).
3) Here's the trick: buy several: Like 5 or 6 or 8. From a reputable site whose return policy you've checked. Maybe buy an array of different ones, maybe buy one or two of the most promising ones in two different sizes. But buy a bunch! With the intention of keeping one, or at most two.
When you give them to her, tell her you're taking her dress shopping.... in her own closet.
Then try 'em on together! With the full expectation that you will return all but one, you guys can laugh together at the horribly unflattering ones.
OK, there's an off chance that none will work. But it should be clear that she isn't obligated to keep one of the first round, and then you two can continue shopping together. And if I were your wife, I'd think the whole thing was very sweet and thoughtful, especially since you live far away from any good stores.
posted by kestrel251 at 7:45 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
I assume you have a credit card. I also assume that you can't put things on it without your wife noticing... If that's the case, you have to shop closer to Xmas so that the statement comes AFTER the surprise!
1) check the sizes of existing dresses that she has. Ditto style. One tip: if she wants to hide her stomach/waist, empire waists are good. If she is slim and small busted, they will look horrible on her.
2) some online places have "live chat" with personal shoppers, free. I think Bluefly does; some department stores may as well. (All the dept stores have big websites).
3) Here's the trick: buy several: Like 5 or 6 or 8. From a reputable site whose return policy you've checked. Maybe buy an array of different ones, maybe buy one or two of the most promising ones in two different sizes. But buy a bunch! With the intention of keeping one, or at most two.
When you give them to her, tell her you're taking her dress shopping.... in her own closet.
Then try 'em on together! With the full expectation that you will return all but one, you guys can laugh together at the horribly unflattering ones.
OK, there's an off chance that none will work. But it should be clear that she isn't obligated to keep one of the first round, and then you two can continue shopping together. And if I were your wife, I'd think the whole thing was very sweet and thoughtful, especially since you live far away from any good stores.
posted by kestrel251 at 7:45 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
As far as buying without her knowing, you can purchase a gift card (amex, visa - you should be able to get these from your bank or even online) and pay with that without her seeing the merchant name in your checking or cc billing statement.
posted by doorsfan at 7:52 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by doorsfan at 7:52 AM on October 6, 2010
The approach kestrel251 suggests, of buying eight, is really the best idea. You might also have your closest tailor prepared to be on call if only small adjustments are necessary.
Forktine's point about the shoes is also quite important. I'll add an evening clutch and some way to keep warm, like a shawl, if she doesn't have these already. The good news is that you could probably err on the cheaper end for the handbag, unlike on the shoes or dress.
Nice idea. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 8:02 AM on October 6, 2010
Forktine's point about the shoes is also quite important. I'll add an evening clutch and some way to keep warm, like a shawl, if she doesn't have these already. The good news is that you could probably err on the cheaper end for the handbag, unlike on the shoes or dress.
Nice idea. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 8:02 AM on October 6, 2010
If you are set on this, I agree with meese, make sure that you can return it and make sure she understands it will not in any way hurt your feelings if she returns it. Make sure that you are really okay with her returning it and picking out something totally different too.
For what it's worth, count me in as another woman who would be bummed out if her husband purchased a surprise dress for her, there is virtually zero chance it would both fit me *and* look good on me. Hell, *I* can barely get one to do both and I'm trying the damn things on.
posted by crankylex at 8:09 AM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, count me in as another woman who would be bummed out if her husband purchased a surprise dress for her, there is virtually zero chance it would both fit me *and* look good on me. Hell, *I* can barely get one to do both and I'm trying the damn things on.
posted by crankylex at 8:09 AM on October 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I, also, would not like someone else picking out evening wear. Even if it was a fun new style I was open to trying, I can give you 95% probability it will not fit. And the odds of it being a "fun new style" and not something I have already vetoed in the past as looking horrible on me are also slim. Even if you think you know what kind of dresses she likes in fashion magazines or tv, there is no guarantee the style will look good on her.
If you do order a lot of stuff from online, I would definitely not insist on being there for her trying it on. Especially as there is a good chance you will be wrong about the size. (Evening dresses are also sized smaller than everyday clothes.) Trying on a dress that "should" fit and finding it really, really doesn't is disappointing enough without someone who bought it for you watching.
I think almost every woman I can think of would *end up* appreciating a "shopping day" more, even if the initial surprise isn't as fun.
posted by wending my way at 8:23 AM on October 6, 2010
If you do order a lot of stuff from online, I would definitely not insist on being there for her trying it on. Especially as there is a good chance you will be wrong about the size. (Evening dresses are also sized smaller than everyday clothes.) Trying on a dress that "should" fit and finding it really, really doesn't is disappointing enough without someone who bought it for you watching.
I think almost every woman I can think of would *end up* appreciating a "shopping day" more, even if the initial surprise isn't as fun.
posted by wending my way at 8:23 AM on October 6, 2010
I think you should definitely buy her a dress, as long as there's a liberal return policy and you are absolutely sure your wife isn't the kind to get all depressed because it doesn't fit or look right on her. I think if you're armed with her measurements and a general idea of what looks good on her you'll probably do really well.
I'd love it if my (hypothetical) husband bought me a dress, even if it didn't fit.
posted by elsietheeel at 8:23 AM on October 6, 2010
I'd love it if my (hypothetical) husband bought me a dress, even if it didn't fit.
posted by elsietheeel at 8:23 AM on October 6, 2010
You know your wife best, so can make the decision here. This would be fine with me, but I have borrowed dresses before that fit fine (i.e., I have a very average-shaped body), and I don't like shopping. I'd go sleeveless (not strapless) since the sleeve / shoulder area is another complication - you just want something that will zip up and hang nicely, not too tight and not too loose.
If your wife really enjoys the process of picking out her clothing, or if she has a particular body-type or style that you don't fully understand, this may not work. If she is average in proportions, somewhat fluid / in agreement with you about style, and considers dealing with buying clothes more a chore than a bonus, this could be a lovely gesture.
posted by mdn at 8:27 AM on October 6, 2010
If your wife really enjoys the process of picking out her clothing, or if she has a particular body-type or style that you don't fully understand, this may not work. If she is average in proportions, somewhat fluid / in agreement with you about style, and considers dealing with buying clothes more a chore than a bonus, this could be a lovely gesture.
posted by mdn at 8:27 AM on October 6, 2010
Just to put in perspective how difficult this might be, I live in a small town and needed to add a couple dresses to my wardrobe. I wear dresses a few times a week, I know my size, it's a avg size (if a tad short), I know what looks good on me. I was looking for dressy dresses (ala a little black dress) and work dresses, not formal gowns. I ordered 10(!) online midrange price wise ($85-200). I had hoped to have 2 or 3 work out, I returned all but 1.
For years, my dad made me go shopping with him at christmas and pick out an outfit he thought my mom needed. It was awful all around. Always stressful to him, agonizing for me, but she got the brunt of it. Had to put on a happy face even when you could tell she didn't like his selection, felt guilty returning it, etc.
It seems so romantic to surprise your wife with a dress, but I think artychoke is right on. Unless she has expressed to you "god, I hate shopping I wish someone would do it for me", for most woman, the shopping is as much part of the process as the actual dress. There's something about getting out there, seeing whats out there, experimenting with different looks. I wouldn't take that away from her. Also, if you are buying something super formal and not just something to go to dinner in, it might be out of style/not fit/she doesn't like it anymore/etc. by the time she gets to use it. Dresses really aren't like men's wear that you can wear year after year after year...unless your buying super high end ala St. John knits, etc.
But I would love it if my husband planned a shopping date for us, made an appt. with. a personal shopper, sat outside the dressing room so I could show him things and told me he'd get the whole outfit - dress, shoes, jewelry and we'd go out to dinner afterwards... that's so far outside of how I usually shop, it would be super romantic.
posted by snowymorninblues at 8:33 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
For years, my dad made me go shopping with him at christmas and pick out an outfit he thought my mom needed. It was awful all around. Always stressful to him, agonizing for me, but she got the brunt of it. Had to put on a happy face even when you could tell she didn't like his selection, felt guilty returning it, etc.
It seems so romantic to surprise your wife with a dress, but I think artychoke is right on. Unless she has expressed to you "god, I hate shopping I wish someone would do it for me", for most woman, the shopping is as much part of the process as the actual dress. There's something about getting out there, seeing whats out there, experimenting with different looks. I wouldn't take that away from her. Also, if you are buying something super formal and not just something to go to dinner in, it might be out of style/not fit/she doesn't like it anymore/etc. by the time she gets to use it. Dresses really aren't like men's wear that you can wear year after year after year...unless your buying super high end ala St. John knits, etc.
But I would love it if my husband planned a shopping date for us, made an appt. with. a personal shopper, sat outside the dressing room so I could show him things and told me he'd get the whole outfit - dress, shoes, jewelry and we'd go out to dinner afterwards... that's so far outside of how I usually shop, it would be super romantic.
posted by snowymorninblues at 8:33 AM on October 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
Can you get one of her good friends to help you? Her friends may be more adept at helping you find something that will be flattering on her. Women know the tricks of fitting and flattering a female form. :)
My husband has actually picked out clothes for me with fair success and I am not easy to fit. He notices more than you'd think (more than he'd think!) about what sorts of things I wear, and everything comes with a receipt so I can return it, no hard feelings!
Getting measurements is good, buying multiple sizes is good, and I always ASSUME that formalwear will need tailoring, so find out the name of her tailor or (from a female friend with good clothing taste) the name of the best tailor in town, and include a note about "tailoring included."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:36 AM on October 6, 2010
My husband has actually picked out clothes for me with fair success and I am not easy to fit. He notices more than you'd think (more than he'd think!) about what sorts of things I wear, and everything comes with a receipt so I can return it, no hard feelings!
Getting measurements is good, buying multiple sizes is good, and I always ASSUME that formalwear will need tailoring, so find out the name of her tailor or (from a female friend with good clothing taste) the name of the best tailor in town, and include a note about "tailoring included."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:36 AM on October 6, 2010
Alternatively... I just thought of this and it set my girly heart all a-flutter. Is there a talented seamstress in your area? Put together a small bound portfolio of some of her best work and present that to your wife with the promise that they can work together to design her dream gown.
posted by ferociouskitty at 9:08 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by ferociouskitty at 9:08 AM on October 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Nthing all the other women who are saying, "it's a sweet idea, but PLEASE don't do this."
Even if you were to accidentally miraculously find the ONE perfect dress she loved, then she's got one evening dress. Which, for ladies, does not a wardrobe make. One dress that you probably spent way too much money on. And remember, that's IF she loves it.
But a pampering shopping day where she has transportation around a city with you meeting her for a fancy lunch? She could bargain-hunt to her heart's content and probably come away with a number of dresses/outfits, or at least one thing that SHE loves unreservedly.
It's a very sweet idea. Please execute it in another way.
posted by cyndigo at 9:35 AM on October 6, 2010
Even if you were to accidentally miraculously find the ONE perfect dress she loved, then she's got one evening dress. Which, for ladies, does not a wardrobe make. One dress that you probably spent way too much money on. And remember, that's IF she loves it.
But a pampering shopping day where she has transportation around a city with you meeting her for a fancy lunch? She could bargain-hunt to her heart's content and probably come away with a number of dresses/outfits, or at least one thing that SHE loves unreservedly.
It's a very sweet idea. Please execute it in another way.
posted by cyndigo at 9:35 AM on October 6, 2010
I return to this thread to say: ferociouskitty's idea is awesome in every way. That's a brilliant, brilliant idea.
posted by meese at 10:38 AM on October 6, 2010
posted by meese at 10:38 AM on October 6, 2010
I'll comment again to balance out those who say they like the shopping. I love it when someone buys clothes for me. In fact, my BF once did the "buy eight shirts return five" thing for my birthday, and it's the best of all worlds: options and experimentation, no guilt on returning what doesn't work, no annoying dressing room hassles or parking, and a few things that really work well.
posted by salvia at 4:04 PM on October 6, 2010
posted by salvia at 4:04 PM on October 6, 2010
If we had the money to buy me a really, really nice dress...and my husband decided to surprise me with it...it would be so depressing. There are so many elements to a woman's formal gown[*], and they're ALL important to getting the look and fit right. And what I think is wonderful doesn't often mesh with my husband's idea of what would look wonderful on his wife. He will often like my choices if I try them on, but is not likely to pick the same things off the rack that I would. (Similarly, he and I have different ideas of what makes a suit appealing. Hey, he gets to pick those.)
And even if he assured me that there was no problem returning it, I'd still feel guilty taking it back. I'd be sad when I opened it, sad when I tried it on, and sad when I took it back.
[*] Neckline: High, low, cowl, boat, scoop, halter--these are off the top of my head. Waist: high, low, Empire, right on the waist... Bodice shape: straight or curvy or draped or... Skirt shape: A-line, flared, full, draped, mermaid, trumpet... Skirt length. Hem symmetry. Trains. Colors. Patterns. Fabrics. There's lots, lots more. Formal dresses are seriously complex.
posted by galadriel at 5:43 PM on October 6, 2010
And even if he assured me that there was no problem returning it, I'd still feel guilty taking it back. I'd be sad when I opened it, sad when I tried it on, and sad when I took it back.
[*] Neckline: High, low, cowl, boat, scoop, halter--these are off the top of my head. Waist: high, low, Empire, right on the waist... Bodice shape: straight or curvy or draped or... Skirt shape: A-line, flared, full, draped, mermaid, trumpet... Skirt length. Hem symmetry. Trains. Colors. Patterns. Fabrics. There's lots, lots more. Formal dresses are seriously complex.
posted by galadriel at 5:43 PM on October 6, 2010
The seamstress idea is a really good one. If it has to be a surprise and the surprise has to be an actual dress, this is the best route.
I am really busty, so 90% of clothes either absolutely won't fit, or will look terrible as they are designed for a different shape. If your wife has a similar issue with a body part (and you might not have noticed as it's so variable) it will be tricky getting something to fit. Find something that she loves or fits her really well that she already owns (bearing in mind some fabric has stretch and some does not, so there can be differences) think about what you see her wearing, and find a dressmaker. If she is non-standard in some way she may be even more pleased with this.
One tip: if she wants to hide her stomach/waist, empire waists are good. If she is slim and small busted, they will look horrible on her
I am neither of these things. Empire waists make me look heavily pregnant. Are you getting an idea of how much of a minefield womenswear is? :)
posted by mippy at 9:17 AM on October 7, 2010
I am really busty, so 90% of clothes either absolutely won't fit, or will look terrible as they are designed for a different shape. If your wife has a similar issue with a body part (and you might not have noticed as it's so variable) it will be tricky getting something to fit. Find something that she loves or fits her really well that she already owns (bearing in mind some fabric has stretch and some does not, so there can be differences) think about what you see her wearing, and find a dressmaker. If she is non-standard in some way she may be even more pleased with this.
One tip: if she wants to hide her stomach/waist, empire waists are good. If she is slim and small busted, they will look horrible on her
I am neither of these things. Empire waists make me look heavily pregnant. Are you getting an idea of how much of a minefield womenswear is? :)
posted by mippy at 9:17 AM on October 7, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by decathecting at 6:32 AM on October 6, 2010