The least weird way to get in touch with someone
September 23, 2010 8:54 PM Subscribe
How to contact someone in a non-creepy, non-presumptuous way when you've lost their phone number? Or is it better to just write it off and move on?
I'm a twenty-something guy living in one of Australia's larger cities and terribly inexperienced. At the pub on Sunday as part of a very large group of people, I get talking to a girl, who I'll call Nancy, who is a friend of a friend of a friend. We appear to hit it off, having the same discomfort around people and a dislike of fakery. She's slightly annoyed about how some of her friends have been acting towards her. A part of our group are going back to someone's house, and Nancy asks if I want to get something to eat and duck back to her place, before joining up with the rest. We do this, all the while chatting about various topics.
After meeting up with the others, we stay a while have a few more drinks, circulate around the party etc. People are starting to drift off and I get ready to walk home with a couple of friends who live in the same direction. Nancy joins us and part of the way home, she asks if I want to go back to her place and stay over. I had thought that this meant there were some kind of romantic inclinations, but when we get back to her house, we watch music videos and it's all completely innocent. After a while, we're both getting sleepy and Nancy offers to make me up a bed. I'm feeling uncomfortable and decide I'll just go home instead. We hug goodbye and I clumsily ask if she would like to hang out at some point. She gives me her number.
I lose the number.
Now, I'd like to make contact her, it was great talking to her that night and I suspect she's there's even more to her. But given that I've lost her number, what do I do? I've found her on Facebook, through mutual friends, but that seems somehow a little weird. Do I just message her admitting that I've lost her number and give her mine? Do I give up and move on?
I'm a twenty-something guy living in one of Australia's larger cities and terribly inexperienced. At the pub on Sunday as part of a very large group of people, I get talking to a girl, who I'll call Nancy, who is a friend of a friend of a friend. We appear to hit it off, having the same discomfort around people and a dislike of fakery. She's slightly annoyed about how some of her friends have been acting towards her. A part of our group are going back to someone's house, and Nancy asks if I want to get something to eat and duck back to her place, before joining up with the rest. We do this, all the while chatting about various topics.
After meeting up with the others, we stay a while have a few more drinks, circulate around the party etc. People are starting to drift off and I get ready to walk home with a couple of friends who live in the same direction. Nancy joins us and part of the way home, she asks if I want to go back to her place and stay over. I had thought that this meant there were some kind of romantic inclinations, but when we get back to her house, we watch music videos and it's all completely innocent. After a while, we're both getting sleepy and Nancy offers to make me up a bed. I'm feeling uncomfortable and decide I'll just go home instead. We hug goodbye and I clumsily ask if she would like to hang out at some point. She gives me her number.
I lose the number.
Now, I'd like to make contact her, it was great talking to her that night and I suspect she's there's even more to her. But given that I've lost her number, what do I do? I've found her on Facebook, through mutual friends, but that seems somehow a little weird. Do I just message her admitting that I've lost her number and give her mine? Do I give up and move on?
Sending a message on Facebook is not too forward. If anything, you're easier to brush off there than you would be in person or on the phone. Don't overthink it -- write her!
posted by hermitosis at 8:58 PM on September 23, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 8:58 PM on September 23, 2010 [6 favorites]
It is absolutely ok to track someone down on Facebook after they've brought you back to their place to hang out one on one.
posted by contraption at 9:00 PM on September 23, 2010 [10 favorites]
posted by contraption at 9:00 PM on September 23, 2010 [10 favorites]
In this case a Facebook message would not be creepy. Just remember that if she doesn't check FB very often you might not hear back for awhile.
posted by TooFewShoes at 9:06 PM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by TooFewShoes at 9:06 PM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Message her with your number. Now.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 9:09 PM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by malibustacey9999 at 9:09 PM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Facebooking in this situation is entirely non-creepy and non-presumptuous.
posted by grapesaresour at 9:09 PM on September 23, 2010
posted by grapesaresour at 9:09 PM on September 23, 2010
She gave you her number but you can find her on Facebook? Not presumptuous. Resourceful!
posted by micawber at 9:10 PM on September 23, 2010
posted by micawber at 9:10 PM on September 23, 2010
Facebook is definitely a non-creepy way to go about this. It's not like you talked with her for five minutes and then tracked her down via friends of friends of friends. Go for it!
posted by adrianna aria at 9:11 PM on September 23, 2010
posted by adrianna aria at 9:11 PM on September 23, 2010
In your internet browser, right now, close this Metafilter window, and open a Facebook window, and talk to her.
posted by John Cohen at 9:12 PM on September 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 9:12 PM on September 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
In the heady days of yore, this might have been an uncomfortable situation in which to had to convince your friend to ask their friend for Nancy's number.
But now you can just Facebook her! Yes, good gravy, message her! She gave you her number in the first place, I'm sure she won't mind.
And, as others have said, if she's not interested, she can just not reply.
Good luck!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:12 PM on September 23, 2010
But now you can just Facebook her! Yes, good gravy, message her! She gave you her number in the first place, I'm sure she won't mind.
And, as others have said, if she's not interested, she can just not reply.
Good luck!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:12 PM on September 23, 2010
In her situation*, I would be sad if you didn't facebook me. Do it! Really. DO IT!
* I say this as a young lady who has been in this exact situation, up to the part where you contact her, and only found out months later. Please do it.
posted by punchtothehead at 9:19 PM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
* I say this as a young lady who has been in this exact situation, up to the part where you contact her, and only found out months later. Please do it.
posted by punchtothehead at 9:19 PM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Or, if Facebook-through-mutual-friends feels a bit stalker-ish, go the whole route. Drop a hand-written note in her letterbox telling her that you enjoyed her company and would like to see her again but dammit-you-lost-her-number, and if she wants to see you again, ring you on 555-*****.
I - an Aussie chick, though much older than you - would find that sweet and slightly romantic, and I'd be ringing you in a heartbeat.
And it's Friday arvo. Maybe she's got nothing planned for tonight!
posted by malibustacey9999 at 9:21 PM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
I - an Aussie chick, though much older than you - would find that sweet and slightly romantic, and I'd be ringing you in a heartbeat.
And it's Friday arvo. Maybe she's got nothing planned for tonight!
posted by malibustacey9999 at 9:21 PM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, definitely send her a message with your number, and tell her you lost hers.
Totally not creepy. This is one of the situations where the existence of Facebook is a really good and useful thing.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:24 PM on September 23, 2010
Totally not creepy. This is one of the situations where the existence of Facebook is a really good and useful thing.
posted by needs more cowbell at 9:24 PM on September 23, 2010
People are not on Facebook to hide. Go for it.
posted by inturnaround at 10:07 PM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by inturnaround at 10:07 PM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Pile-on-- the good kind. Facebook her like yesterday.
posted by elpea at 10:51 PM on September 23, 2010
posted by elpea at 10:51 PM on September 23, 2010
If I was that young lady in question, the very fact that I invited you over AND I give you my number would mean that, at the very least, I like hanging out with you and I would be friends with you on Facebook (to say nothing of wanting to kiss you). Not creepy and presumptuous at all!
posted by moiraine at 3:18 AM on September 24, 2010
posted by moiraine at 3:18 AM on September 24, 2010
Facebook her, you fool.
posted by hot soup girl at 3:31 AM on September 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by hot soup girl at 3:31 AM on September 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
It's ok to use Facebook for contact if they've invited you to spend the night at their house.
posted by nomadicink at 4:02 AM on September 24, 2010
posted by nomadicink at 4:02 AM on September 24, 2010
Since everyone's already agreed on the facebook part, I'll comment on this:
Nancy joins us and part of the way home, she asks if I want to go back to her place and stay over. I had thought that this meant there were some kind of romantic inclinations, but when we get back to her house, we watch music videos and it's all completely innocent. After a while, we're both getting sleepy and Nancy offers to make me up a bed. I'm feeling uncomfortable and decide I'll just go home instead.
Of course there were romantic inclinations. You were supposed to initiate some light physical contact and then kiss her, but you missed your chance. I'm sure you'll have another one, but they'll probably run out sooner or later, so don't be so timid next time.
posted by JohnMarston at 6:55 AM on September 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
Nancy joins us and part of the way home, she asks if I want to go back to her place and stay over. I had thought that this meant there were some kind of romantic inclinations, but when we get back to her house, we watch music videos and it's all completely innocent. After a while, we're both getting sleepy and Nancy offers to make me up a bed. I'm feeling uncomfortable and decide I'll just go home instead.
Of course there were romantic inclinations. You were supposed to initiate some light physical contact and then kiss her, but you missed your chance. I'm sure you'll have another one, but they'll probably run out sooner or later, so don't be so timid next time.
posted by JohnMarston at 6:55 AM on September 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
Of course there were romantic inclinations. You were supposed to initiate some light physical contact and then kiss her, but you missed your chance. I'm sure you'll have another one, but they'll probably run out sooner or later, so don't be so timid next time.
Yes, unless Nancy has some very different ideas about when it's appropriate to invite someone of the opposite sex to your house after a few drinks, there were romantic inclinations. I guess it could be possible that she would invite you over and then find out she wasn't into you and decide not to do anything, but the fact that she gave you her number and wanted you to stay over pretty much rules that out. She was almost certainly waiting for you to make the first move, and will want you to make the first move next time you're with her.
So yeah, aside from messaging her on Facebook, getting her number again (and putting it in your phone or whatever right away so you don't lose it), and inviting her out again, plan on making the first move. I'm not sure how inexperienced you are exactly, but I've been in pretty much your exact situation and it's not rocket science. Just get close to her (sitting on a couch is good for this), get some sort of physical contact going (arm around her, hand on her leg, that sort of thing), and move your face up close to her's. After that it should pretty much just happen naturally. Also don't worry so much about being inexperienced and not knowing what to do, it's not that difficult and you'll get the hang of it.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:23 AM on September 24, 2010
Yes, unless Nancy has some very different ideas about when it's appropriate to invite someone of the opposite sex to your house after a few drinks, there were romantic inclinations. I guess it could be possible that she would invite you over and then find out she wasn't into you and decide not to do anything, but the fact that she gave you her number and wanted you to stay over pretty much rules that out. She was almost certainly waiting for you to make the first move, and will want you to make the first move next time you're with her.
So yeah, aside from messaging her on Facebook, getting her number again (and putting it in your phone or whatever right away so you don't lose it), and inviting her out again, plan on making the first move. I'm not sure how inexperienced you are exactly, but I've been in pretty much your exact situation and it's not rocket science. Just get close to her (sitting on a couch is good for this), get some sort of physical contact going (arm around her, hand on her leg, that sort of thing), and move your face up close to her's. After that it should pretty much just happen naturally. Also don't worry so much about being inexperienced and not knowing what to do, it's not that difficult and you'll get the hang of it.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:23 AM on September 24, 2010
Fifteen years ago, I caught a ride home from a social gathering with a young man whom I had gotten to know pretty much only at that gathering. I invited him in, we sat and talked and had a great time until my roommate came home in a bad mood, and he booked. "Call me!" I said, as he ran out the door. "OK!" he said.
Five hours later, his car pulled into my driveway.
"What are you doing here?" I said, smiling.
"I didn't have your phone number," he said.
We've been together ever since. Married for seven years, expecting our second child in a month. Which is a longwinded way of saying FACEBOOK HER YOU FOOL!
posted by KathrynT at 8:34 AM on September 24, 2010 [9 favorites]
Five hours later, his car pulled into my driveway.
"What are you doing here?" I said, smiling.
"I didn't have your phone number," he said.
We've been together ever since. Married for seven years, expecting our second child in a month. Which is a longwinded way of saying FACEBOOK HER YOU FOOL!
posted by KathrynT at 8:34 AM on September 24, 2010 [9 favorites]
why are you still reading this? fbook her. now.
this goes for the rest of you, too. don't live life with regrets of ANY KIND. especially something that could be remedied so easily and trivially.
posted by ChefJoAnna at 9:34 AM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
this goes for the rest of you, too. don't live life with regrets of ANY KIND. especially something that could be remedied so easily and trivially.
posted by ChefJoAnna at 9:34 AM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Drop a hand-written note in her letterbox telling her that you enjoyed her company and would like to see her again but dammit-you-lost-her-number . . .
I - an Aussie chick, though much older than you - would find that sweet and slightly romantic, and I'd be ringing you in a heartbeat.
This. Will distinguish you and make it easier to move things from the couch to the bedroom . . .
posted by eggman at 9:59 AM on September 24, 2010
I - an Aussie chick, though much older than you - would find that sweet and slightly romantic, and I'd be ringing you in a heartbeat.
This. Will distinguish you and make it easier to move things from the couch to the bedroom . . .
posted by eggman at 9:59 AM on September 24, 2010
Aww, this questiom made me smile. I hope you FACEBOOK HER, and have a happily ever after!
posted by Everydayville at 10:56 AM on September 24, 2010
posted by Everydayville at 10:56 AM on September 24, 2010
If I was in her place, I would definitely want you to send me a message via Facebook.
If I spend a great night with someone and then he didn't contact me afterward, I would assume he didn't like me as much as I liked him.
It sounds like you two made a connection. Contact her! You won't come off as stalkerish at all in this case.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:09 PM on September 24, 2010
If I spend a great night with someone and then he didn't contact me afterward, I would assume he didn't like me as much as I liked him.
It sounds like you two made a connection. Contact her! You won't come off as stalkerish at all in this case.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:09 PM on September 24, 2010
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posted by cyndigo at 8:56 PM on September 23, 2010 [3 favorites]