Career: deadend. Money: want to spend wisely. Unsure about alot. Need advice from the "hive mind"...
September 18, 2010 5:41 PM Subscribe
Career: deadend. Money: want to spend wisely. Unsure about alot. Need advice from the "hive mind"...
Introduction:
I am a 22 year old gay adult living in Calgary, Alberta Canada. I have a one year technical diploma in Computer Engineering and Web Development. Lately I've had a number of issues in my life that I haven't been able to necessarily ask my family or parents about. So I am hoping I can get your opinion.
Career:
As I mentioned above, I am in the computer industry. Right after I finished my degree I was able to score a job with a fairly great employer. That lasted three months. I quit because the staff where extremely hard to work with on a daily basis. I was teased all the time about my sexuality and although it didn't cross the line as "sexual discrimination" it made the environment way too tense for me. My second job was with a marketing agency as a consultant. It lasted only a month because the company went bankrupt. Since then I've been doing freelancing. I get jobs here and there, basically just enough $ to keep food on the table. I've been applying for jobs for months, and I get interviews but frankly I don't stand a chance because there are so many unemployed "senior people" who are willing to work for my starting wage. I've been to two careers counselors who have not helped me in any kind of way. I'm frankly not sure what to do now. If I go back to college, I'll need to pick an entirely different industry which seems like a huge waste of my degree. Maybe business or marketing. Apparently there are cities that are experiencing growth in my industry but they are far away from where I live. My question is, should I continue to slug it out apply for jobs, move to a new city or go back to school? Also, in your opinion how many years of college is really sufficient to feeling "secure" and making a decent wage in most industry's?
Relationships:
I have trouble meeting boys who meet my criteria locally. By "criteria" I mean, they must be interested in a monogamous relationship because I don't want to get sick and secondly they must be within 5 years of my age and self sufficient enough to be independent. All my relationships have been long-distance.
Drew - I met Drew online two years ago. We instantly "connected" and would talk at-least once a day using video chat because he lived so far away from me. Finally met a year later in person. Things didn't exactly go as planned. We where meeting right as I was finishing college. I basically had to spend *all my money* to see him. He met me in Las Vegas, the trip was planned for a week. I payed for my airfare, hotel ect. He was only able to spend one day / night with me before he had to go back home, to California because of work. That made me upset! but never-the-less the time we had together was something *I do not regret at all*. Fast forward 5 months. He moved to Germany and then back to the states. I really want to see him, but he has no plans for us to "be together", at-least he won't say it to me. That really makes me confused because honestly I love him and I want to be with him. He wants me to fly out to see him again. I'm hesitant, I don't want my heart broken and I don't want to let him go. What do I do?
In the meantime I ended up casually meeting someone else (Garrett) in California and he is kind of like Drew except he actually "wants a relationship" and is more of what I'm looking for. The only downside to Garrett is that he has some anger issues when he gets into complicated situations/problems. This really has no relevance to the situation with Drew but I thought I would mention it for context sake.
I don't mean to seem high on myself or anything but I'm "above average looking" and I do get a lot of dating prospects but like I mentioned its rare for me to ever find anyone really "suitable". Drew or Garrett are probably the closest I'm going to get. Before you say "there's plenty of fish in the sea" let me say that I have dating profiles on all the major websites, get hundreds of messages weekly and do network with most of the gay people in my town. So I feel somewhat justified with that statement. I do want your thoughts though whatever they may me.
Ultimate goals;
For the next questions context - what I want in my life is: (1.) Financial stability. I don't want to worry if I can feed myself or my family and if I can/can't pay my bills. (2.) I want to get out of Canada and live somewhere with no winter. I hate cold and I hate snow. I love the beach, but since I've never really traveled extensively I don't know where this is. (3.) I want a boyfriend who I can trust, and won't leave me for someone more "pretty" when I start to age. I want a real relationship that is friendship first and sexual attraction later. (4.) I want to do good for others using my talents for complex thinking.
Money:
After I graduated college my mom gave me $5000. She is a single parent so that was considered a very generous gift on her behalf. Also, I managed to save $5000 of my own just by being extremely frivolous and not having much of a life. So my bank total is $10 000 at the moment. I want to be very careful with this money, because I feel like its all I have. At the moment, I have a decent car (totally paid off) and no debt. I want to set myself up for the future so I feel secure and can actually have a responsible, healthy life. Given the above information I've provided what should I do with these funds?
Sorry for the length of all this. Thank you for your thoughts! :)
Introduction:
I am a 22 year old gay adult living in Calgary, Alberta Canada. I have a one year technical diploma in Computer Engineering and Web Development. Lately I've had a number of issues in my life that I haven't been able to necessarily ask my family or parents about. So I am hoping I can get your opinion.
Career:
As I mentioned above, I am in the computer industry. Right after I finished my degree I was able to score a job with a fairly great employer. That lasted three months. I quit because the staff where extremely hard to work with on a daily basis. I was teased all the time about my sexuality and although it didn't cross the line as "sexual discrimination" it made the environment way too tense for me. My second job was with a marketing agency as a consultant. It lasted only a month because the company went bankrupt. Since then I've been doing freelancing. I get jobs here and there, basically just enough $ to keep food on the table. I've been applying for jobs for months, and I get interviews but frankly I don't stand a chance because there are so many unemployed "senior people" who are willing to work for my starting wage. I've been to two careers counselors who have not helped me in any kind of way. I'm frankly not sure what to do now. If I go back to college, I'll need to pick an entirely different industry which seems like a huge waste of my degree. Maybe business or marketing. Apparently there are cities that are experiencing growth in my industry but they are far away from where I live. My question is, should I continue to slug it out apply for jobs, move to a new city or go back to school? Also, in your opinion how many years of college is really sufficient to feeling "secure" and making a decent wage in most industry's?
Relationships:
I have trouble meeting boys who meet my criteria locally. By "criteria" I mean, they must be interested in a monogamous relationship because I don't want to get sick and secondly they must be within 5 years of my age and self sufficient enough to be independent. All my relationships have been long-distance.
Drew - I met Drew online two years ago. We instantly "connected" and would talk at-least once a day using video chat because he lived so far away from me. Finally met a year later in person. Things didn't exactly go as planned. We where meeting right as I was finishing college. I basically had to spend *all my money* to see him. He met me in Las Vegas, the trip was planned for a week. I payed for my airfare, hotel ect. He was only able to spend one day / night with me before he had to go back home, to California because of work. That made me upset! but never-the-less the time we had together was something *I do not regret at all*. Fast forward 5 months. He moved to Germany and then back to the states. I really want to see him, but he has no plans for us to "be together", at-least he won't say it to me. That really makes me confused because honestly I love him and I want to be with him. He wants me to fly out to see him again. I'm hesitant, I don't want my heart broken and I don't want to let him go. What do I do?
In the meantime I ended up casually meeting someone else (Garrett) in California and he is kind of like Drew except he actually "wants a relationship" and is more of what I'm looking for. The only downside to Garrett is that he has some anger issues when he gets into complicated situations/problems. This really has no relevance to the situation with Drew but I thought I would mention it for context sake.
I don't mean to seem high on myself or anything but I'm "above average looking" and I do get a lot of dating prospects but like I mentioned its rare for me to ever find anyone really "suitable". Drew or Garrett are probably the closest I'm going to get. Before you say "there's plenty of fish in the sea" let me say that I have dating profiles on all the major websites, get hundreds of messages weekly and do network with most of the gay people in my town. So I feel somewhat justified with that statement. I do want your thoughts though whatever they may me.
Ultimate goals;
For the next questions context - what I want in my life is: (1.) Financial stability. I don't want to worry if I can feed myself or my family and if I can/can't pay my bills. (2.) I want to get out of Canada and live somewhere with no winter. I hate cold and I hate snow. I love the beach, but since I've never really traveled extensively I don't know where this is. (3.) I want a boyfriend who I can trust, and won't leave me for someone more "pretty" when I start to age. I want a real relationship that is friendship first and sexual attraction later. (4.) I want to do good for others using my talents for complex thinking.
Money:
After I graduated college my mom gave me $5000. She is a single parent so that was considered a very generous gift on her behalf. Also, I managed to save $5000 of my own just by being extremely frivolous and not having much of a life. So my bank total is $10 000 at the moment. I want to be very careful with this money, because I feel like its all I have. At the moment, I have a decent car (totally paid off) and no debt. I want to set myself up for the future so I feel secure and can actually have a responsible, healthy life. Given the above information I've provided what should I do with these funds?
Sorry for the length of all this. Thank you for your thoughts! :)
Best answer: Goodness. Where to start. (Actually, on preview, "Move to Toronto and live it up!" probably is the best place to start.)
Education: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you do not have a degree - you have a one year technical diploma, yes? Additionally, when you say "If I go back to college, I'll need to pick an entirely different industry which seems like a huge waste of my degree" that's such a failure of vision one barely knows where to begin.
If you go back to college and get a degree in computer engineering, you will be better qualified and more employable. More education is a great option in a soft job market if that's an opportunity open to you.
Location: If there are more job opportunities somewhere else and no job opportunities where you are, then... move to somewhere else. Your only objection to moving to somewhere else seems to be "it's not where I live." That's not a reason not to go live there.
Note that if your long term plan is to move somewhere warmer, that is not Canada and you will not be able to move to the US without a degree unless you go for education, which it doesn't sound like you can fund. So again, getting the degree would fit into your long term goals.
Dating: You have trouble meeting people who meet your criteria locally? Again, move. Make having an active dating life a criteria for choosing where you go. I have to tell you though that there is absolutely zero chance that you have already made contact with the only two good looking employed single gay guys in Canada. Something is wrong with the sites you're on, the criteria you're using to weed contacts, or your unlimited geographic reach is really not focusing results on what is practical and smart.
Drew, by the way, is not going to give you the long term relationship you seek - he's made that abundantly clear by, you know, not making plans to be with you. I take it you are aware this quasi relationship you're in is very likely not monogamous, yes?
Also I am concerned that your are saying "I only want a monogamous relationship because I don't want to get sick." That indicates an extremely limited understanding of how people maintain good sexual health and more broadly, how life works.
Finances: You have a paid off car and 10K. You have enough to move to a new place, pay rent on a room with (gay!) people your own age, and fund a basic social life and job search. I'm not sure how higher education works in Canada but if there is funding for that, make it a big part of your plan in your new city.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:14 PM on September 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
Education: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you do not have a degree - you have a one year technical diploma, yes? Additionally, when you say "If I go back to college, I'll need to pick an entirely different industry which seems like a huge waste of my degree" that's such a failure of vision one barely knows where to begin.
If you go back to college and get a degree in computer engineering, you will be better qualified and more employable. More education is a great option in a soft job market if that's an opportunity open to you.
Location: If there are more job opportunities somewhere else and no job opportunities where you are, then... move to somewhere else. Your only objection to moving to somewhere else seems to be "it's not where I live." That's not a reason not to go live there.
Note that if your long term plan is to move somewhere warmer, that is not Canada and you will not be able to move to the US without a degree unless you go for education, which it doesn't sound like you can fund. So again, getting the degree would fit into your long term goals.
Dating: You have trouble meeting people who meet your criteria locally? Again, move. Make having an active dating life a criteria for choosing where you go. I have to tell you though that there is absolutely zero chance that you have already made contact with the only two good looking employed single gay guys in Canada. Something is wrong with the sites you're on, the criteria you're using to weed contacts, or your unlimited geographic reach is really not focusing results on what is practical and smart.
Drew, by the way, is not going to give you the long term relationship you seek - he's made that abundantly clear by, you know, not making plans to be with you. I take it you are aware this quasi relationship you're in is very likely not monogamous, yes?
Also I am concerned that your are saying "I only want a monogamous relationship because I don't want to get sick." That indicates an extremely limited understanding of how people maintain good sexual health and more broadly, how life works.
Finances: You have a paid off car and 10K. You have enough to move to a new place, pay rent on a room with (gay!) people your own age, and fund a basic social life and job search. I'm not sure how higher education works in Canada but if there is funding for that, make it a big part of your plan in your new city.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:14 PM on September 18, 2010 [4 favorites]
Small data point: When I moved to Vancouver about 15 years ago I travelled with a friend who is gay. I asked him and some of his friends at one point why they chose Vancouver over other western Canadian cities, and one thing they said was a big factor is that Vancouver was the most accepting place they knew. I can also attest to the fact that most of my relatives that live in Alberta have blatantly homophobic views, and they have no shortage of friends around Calgary that are like-minded (I spent a summer with them and they were quite free with their hostile remarks).
No doubt things may have progressed somewhat but I'm saying Calgary has a ways to go compared to other Canadian cities in the area of tolerance and sensitivity. There'll be more than a few other workplaces like yours in Calgary. So yeah, it might be worthwhile considering moving.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 6:41 PM on September 18, 2010
No doubt things may have progressed somewhat but I'm saying Calgary has a ways to go compared to other Canadian cities in the area of tolerance and sensitivity. There'll be more than a few other workplaces like yours in Calgary. So yeah, it might be worthwhile considering moving.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 6:41 PM on September 18, 2010
A degree doesn't make you financially or emotionally or socially secure. I can introduce you to several MeFites with bachelor's degrees (some with more) who are terrified and miserable, and I've only been really paying attention to AskMe for about five months. The only reason I'm not one of them is that I was lucky, graduated at the beginning of the recession (my employer locked down hiring two months later and didn't hire a single person for over a year) and interview well. Having said that, a bachelor's degree is in the US and Canada a gateway sort of qualification: it opens doors that, in many cases, are needlessly shut to those without one.
Monogamy is great. I enthusiastically endorse it. It has only a limited relationship with the also admirable objective of avoiding STDs, however. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, it ought to be because you want to have stability and someone you grow close to or whatever. Do not pick some guy thinking you should be together forever because he tests clean and thus your problems are solved, please. I strongly suggest moving past Drew and avoiding Garrett. Monogamy does not outweigh apathy or anger management issues. If you are getting hit on by hundreds of people, I might also suggest refining your search to a single region and making your description of yourself and what you're looking for more direct. Also: if you are young and good-looking and confident in your interactions with others, go forth and hang out with actual people doing actual things. You don't need OKCupid and a "I'm willing to see people in California" attitude to find love or friendship.
You may have to put your talents to work in your volunteering efforts elsewhere in your life: do not assume you can find a perfect job, not right out of school or with a year or two of experience. And... if you want to avoid winter, you have to move very far south. I got snow when I lived in Dallas, Texas. I did not get snow in Los Angeles, except when I went into the mountains, but it's very expensive to live there. You can look at Google Maps and drag it along at a fairly close-up zoom and see where the coastlines are.
I suggest you think about things in this order:
- what career paths am I currently prepared for?
- which of these do I like best, for reasons including that it interests me, that it makes me like myself, and that I enjoy the work I do, in addition to the amount of money it will earn me?
- where is the best place to go where I can further myself on that path?
- when I get there, how best to meet people I'm interested in, in person?
Sounds like Toronto is a great option. My brother and sister-in-law live there, I understand they have a really great university or two, one of which I'm sure will have degree options in your current field of interest. And at least two more hot gay guys you can meet who love you as a friend first, I'm extremely confident of it. Spend your money on the move and on application fees and a few months' rent while looking for meaningful employment.
posted by SMPA at 6:55 PM on September 18, 2010
Monogamy is great. I enthusiastically endorse it. It has only a limited relationship with the also admirable objective of avoiding STDs, however. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, it ought to be because you want to have stability and someone you grow close to or whatever. Do not pick some guy thinking you should be together forever because he tests clean and thus your problems are solved, please. I strongly suggest moving past Drew and avoiding Garrett. Monogamy does not outweigh apathy or anger management issues. If you are getting hit on by hundreds of people, I might also suggest refining your search to a single region and making your description of yourself and what you're looking for more direct. Also: if you are young and good-looking and confident in your interactions with others, go forth and hang out with actual people doing actual things. You don't need OKCupid and a "I'm willing to see people in California" attitude to find love or friendship.
You may have to put your talents to work in your volunteering efforts elsewhere in your life: do not assume you can find a perfect job, not right out of school or with a year or two of experience. And... if you want to avoid winter, you have to move very far south. I got snow when I lived in Dallas, Texas. I did not get snow in Los Angeles, except when I went into the mountains, but it's very expensive to live there. You can look at Google Maps and drag it along at a fairly close-up zoom and see where the coastlines are.
I suggest you think about things in this order:
- what career paths am I currently prepared for?
- which of these do I like best, for reasons including that it interests me, that it makes me like myself, and that I enjoy the work I do, in addition to the amount of money it will earn me?
- where is the best place to go where I can further myself on that path?
- when I get there, how best to meet people I'm interested in, in person?
Sounds like Toronto is a great option. My brother and sister-in-law live there, I understand they have a really great university or two, one of which I'm sure will have degree options in your current field of interest. And at least two more hot gay guys you can meet who love you as a friend first, I'm extremely confident of it. Spend your money on the move and on application fees and a few months' rent while looking for meaningful employment.
posted by SMPA at 6:55 PM on September 18, 2010
You are thoughtful about your circumstances and future. This says good things about you.
I think the best answer I can give, with the caveat that I have just about demolished a surprisingly good bottle of Ministry of the Vinterior unoaked Chardonnay, is that you are very young and should be looking for experiences (which you're getting) as opposed to trying to find the great love and/or purpose of your life.
Hang onto that $10K, and stay out of debt. This is the gateway to freedom, which few enjoy. Well, except this: if you use your nest egg to further your education, that is an investment in your future, not just money spent.
Oh, and fuck Toronto. Montreal is a hell of a lot more fun. Vancouver works, too. Just get out of Calgary.
I don't think my personal experience is relevant today, but let me quickly outline it, just to give you a sense of your own possibilities at this stage in your life.
At 27, I was in banking administration in Vancouver. I took night classes at Simon Fraser and UBC up to my third year. I moved to Toronto to finish my undergraduate studies, for no better reason than I thought U of T would look better on my resume. Happily, I was able to work part time for the bank there. Once I got my degree, I was so inured to not being employed that I moved to Montreal to do an MA. I stretched that out for four years, working part time at the university, so that I didn't drown in student loan debt. When I graduated, I moved to Chicago and got a low-level job at a not-for-profit. Today I run the joint.
In short, at your age, you should be following your inclinations, provided they're intelligent. Follow your heart a bit more circumspectly (e.g. the guy you met in Vegas sounds like a... well, celebrate the time you had and move on).
posted by Short Attention Sp at 7:21 PM on September 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think the best answer I can give, with the caveat that I have just about demolished a surprisingly good bottle of Ministry of the Vinterior unoaked Chardonnay, is that you are very young and should be looking for experiences (which you're getting) as opposed to trying to find the great love and/or purpose of your life.
Hang onto that $10K, and stay out of debt. This is the gateway to freedom, which few enjoy. Well, except this: if you use your nest egg to further your education, that is an investment in your future, not just money spent.
Oh, and fuck Toronto. Montreal is a hell of a lot more fun. Vancouver works, too. Just get out of Calgary.
I don't think my personal experience is relevant today, but let me quickly outline it, just to give you a sense of your own possibilities at this stage in your life.
At 27, I was in banking administration in Vancouver. I took night classes at Simon Fraser and UBC up to my third year. I moved to Toronto to finish my undergraduate studies, for no better reason than I thought U of T would look better on my resume. Happily, I was able to work part time for the bank there. Once I got my degree, I was so inured to not being employed that I moved to Montreal to do an MA. I stretched that out for four years, working part time at the university, so that I didn't drown in student loan debt. When I graduated, I moved to Chicago and got a low-level job at a not-for-profit. Today I run the joint.
In short, at your age, you should be following your inclinations, provided they're intelligent. Follow your heart a bit more circumspectly (e.g. the guy you met in Vegas sounds like a... well, celebrate the time you had and move on).
posted by Short Attention Sp at 7:21 PM on September 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, I managed to save $5000 of my own just by being extremely frivolous and not having much of a life. So my bank total is $10 000 at the moment.
I think you mean you were extremely frugal.
posted by wansac at 8:11 PM on September 18, 2010
I think you mean you were extremely frugal.
posted by wansac at 8:11 PM on September 18, 2010
Seconding what DarlingBri said. I don't have any answers for your life questions but please realize that monogamy and "getting sick" are not mutually exclusive concepts.
posted by blucevalo at 8:52 PM on September 18, 2010
posted by blucevalo at 8:52 PM on September 18, 2010
Move to Vancouver, enroll in BCIT, get a job, volunteer in an lgbt organization, meet some cool gay folks as friends, let a relationship evolve out of that, enjoy your life. Ditch the dudes online for now unless you can meet asap for coffee/drink and let the relationship progress from there.
posted by barnone at 9:16 PM on September 18, 2010
posted by barnone at 9:16 PM on September 18, 2010
You have a lot to figure out but here's my one piece of advice:
Add "lives within a ten mile radius" to your dating criteria.
If that means moving, make it happen.
posted by roger ackroyd at 1:52 PM on September 19, 2010
Add "lives within a ten mile radius" to your dating criteria.
If that means moving, make it happen.
posted by roger ackroyd at 1:52 PM on September 19, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Move to Toronto and live it up!
posted by k8t at 5:53 PM on September 18, 2010 [3 favorites]