Where do I set down my roots?
September 9, 2010 8:53 PM Subscribe
My Indian-born parents are more American than I am. Help me decide between apple pie and the subcontinent.
I've had a pretty good life as a South Asian American [Male--Brought Up in America, mostly Indiana but also the Bay Area]. I go to a great university, my rich parents think I can do no wrong, and I have a promising (and frankly, exciting) career as a doctor lined up for me after I graduate. Yet as I turned 18 recently, I realized that I was living a relatively sterile life--devoid of much passion, exploration, and general boyishness. I am still a virgin, have never fallen in love, and have never had a true best friend. After I became a legal adult, I realized I had had no real childhood. Furthermore, all around me, as I read the Great Books of the ancient world, I feel a kind of nostalgia for a time I never knew. I see the modern western world (especially America) as a place that is crumbling beneath our feet (or at least our children's feet). I see a great deal of superficiality everyday about the making of a modern man, the politics of left and right, the cheery, hip faces of the malevolent industries behind every facet of American life. I see a place holding on to the inertia of its old glories.
Yet if there was a church of Americana, my parents would be in the choir. Like so many immigrants, they can't stop singing its praises, blind to when other nations do so many things in better ways. When we talk about world politics, they can't stop talking crap about India.
I wonder if I can reclaim some of my childhood and my identity in my homeland--that maybe I can be one of the leaders of India in the 21st century. I tell myself that this is wishful thinking--that a change of circumstances won't solve my disappointment, and that being an American is still a great privilege. Yet I feel that I can do a lot more, derive a lot more meaning in my life in a place that is filled with people that I hold a kind of cultural bond to.
I imagine myself falling in love there, finding my best friend there. I imagine bringing with myself ideals that America stands for, and see myself establishing companies, building a community, and building a new nation with passionate and thriving people. I imagine myself carving a place in history there. However, I cannot imagine doing the same here. Everything just seems so developed and shiny already.
Yet these are visions, not validated by any empirical evidence. Every Indian I talk to says to calm down, that I'm doing so well here, to just wait and you'll find your community in America. But I am jealous of a kind of society where kids grow up with a gang of siblings, cousins and neighbors, not on an eerily quiet suburb with golf, twisted notions of 'personal space', and newspapers that mention the latest "free random event in the park". I want my children and my family to be in a place that I am truly proud to call home and be an active citizen of.
Maybe my versions and visions of both nations are off. Maybe, in the end, this decision is somewhat irrelevant. But I have a nagging vision inside my head. What do you think?
PS: Advice from everyone is truly welcome, but advice from Indian-Americans or other immigrants who have gone through this experience would especially be appreciated.
PPS: I don't in any way want to come across as anti-American or anything like that. I love the idea of America. I'm just think that perhaps I can contribute better to these ideals (freedom, democracy, transparency) in a developing nation that I feel a cultural and sacred connection to.
PPPS: Newbie here--so thanks in advance for what I know will be your wonderful answers and suggestions! :)
I've had a pretty good life as a South Asian American [Male--Brought Up in America, mostly Indiana but also the Bay Area]. I go to a great university, my rich parents think I can do no wrong, and I have a promising (and frankly, exciting) career as a doctor lined up for me after I graduate. Yet as I turned 18 recently, I realized that I was living a relatively sterile life--devoid of much passion, exploration, and general boyishness. I am still a virgin, have never fallen in love, and have never had a true best friend. After I became a legal adult, I realized I had had no real childhood. Furthermore, all around me, as I read the Great Books of the ancient world, I feel a kind of nostalgia for a time I never knew. I see the modern western world (especially America) as a place that is crumbling beneath our feet (or at least our children's feet). I see a great deal of superficiality everyday about the making of a modern man, the politics of left and right, the cheery, hip faces of the malevolent industries behind every facet of American life. I see a place holding on to the inertia of its old glories.
Yet if there was a church of Americana, my parents would be in the choir. Like so many immigrants, they can't stop singing its praises, blind to when other nations do so many things in better ways. When we talk about world politics, they can't stop talking crap about India.
I wonder if I can reclaim some of my childhood and my identity in my homeland--that maybe I can be one of the leaders of India in the 21st century. I tell myself that this is wishful thinking--that a change of circumstances won't solve my disappointment, and that being an American is still a great privilege. Yet I feel that I can do a lot more, derive a lot more meaning in my life in a place that is filled with people that I hold a kind of cultural bond to.
I imagine myself falling in love there, finding my best friend there. I imagine bringing with myself ideals that America stands for, and see myself establishing companies, building a community, and building a new nation with passionate and thriving people. I imagine myself carving a place in history there. However, I cannot imagine doing the same here. Everything just seems so developed and shiny already.
Yet these are visions, not validated by any empirical evidence. Every Indian I talk to says to calm down, that I'm doing so well here, to just wait and you'll find your community in America. But I am jealous of a kind of society where kids grow up with a gang of siblings, cousins and neighbors, not on an eerily quiet suburb with golf, twisted notions of 'personal space', and newspapers that mention the latest "free random event in the park". I want my children and my family to be in a place that I am truly proud to call home and be an active citizen of.
Maybe my versions and visions of both nations are off. Maybe, in the end, this decision is somewhat irrelevant. But I have a nagging vision inside my head. What do you think?
PS: Advice from everyone is truly welcome, but advice from Indian-Americans or other immigrants who have gone through this experience would especially be appreciated.
PPS: I don't in any way want to come across as anti-American or anything like that. I love the idea of America. I'm just think that perhaps I can contribute better to these ideals (freedom, democracy, transparency) in a developing nation that I feel a cultural and sacred connection to.
PPPS: Newbie here--so thanks in advance for what I know will be your wonderful answers and suggestions! :)
I imagine bringing with myself ideals that America stands for, and see myself establishing companies, building a community, and building a new nation with passionate and thriving people.
Ironically, what you're describing kind of sounds like a modern day version of The White Man's Burden. It's not made explicitly clear in your post, but have you been to India? While I've never been myself, I would greatly suggest traveling there if you feel that it calls to you (particularly now that you are young and before embarking on a demanding career as a physician). Who knows what will happen? From speaking with friends with similar backgrounds, I have a strong hunch that you will find that you have far, far less in common with your Indian peers than you imagine.
posted by dhammond at 9:02 PM on September 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Ironically, what you're describing kind of sounds like a modern day version of The White Man's Burden. It's not made explicitly clear in your post, but have you been to India? While I've never been myself, I would greatly suggest traveling there if you feel that it calls to you (particularly now that you are young and before embarking on a demanding career as a physician). Who knows what will happen? From speaking with friends with similar backgrounds, I have a strong hunch that you will find that you have far, far less in common with your Indian peers than you imagine.
posted by dhammond at 9:02 PM on September 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
The children of immigrants often have idealized versions of the homeland. This is due to a number of factors:
- parental censoring of negative information
- family still in country censoring negative information
- parents forgetting the bad stuff and thus not conveying the information
- media images from homeland via sat/movies (and nowadays Internet too)
- not feeling like one totally belongs in adopted land and seeking another place
- spending vacations in parents' home country with family fawning over you
So sure, this idea that your "best friend" or "love" is in India makes sense, but you need to get this idea that there is some mystical person out there that fits this role. Friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. They'll pop up many times in many places in your life.
Maybe you would fit in better in India than you feel that you do in the U.S., however in my experience in a different developing country with a large diaspora, frequently the returning people (kids of the immigrants) have a hard time fitting in. They didn't grow up in the system.
Maybe you could defy the odd on that? Maybe it would be a good idea to spend next summer break from school in India. Not "on vacation" but really spend all 3-4 months of your summer term there to help you evaluate if it is the place that you want to be. I'd bet that it isn't as simple and that the possibilities for changes aren't as easy as you'd think. I wish you the best though.
posted by k8t at 9:06 PM on September 9, 2010 [6 favorites]
- parental censoring of negative information
- family still in country censoring negative information
- parents forgetting the bad stuff and thus not conveying the information
- media images from homeland via sat/movies (and nowadays Internet too)
- not feeling like one totally belongs in adopted land and seeking another place
- spending vacations in parents' home country with family fawning over you
So sure, this idea that your "best friend" or "love" is in India makes sense, but you need to get this idea that there is some mystical person out there that fits this role. Friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. They'll pop up many times in many places in your life.
Maybe you would fit in better in India than you feel that you do in the U.S., however in my experience in a different developing country with a large diaspora, frequently the returning people (kids of the immigrants) have a hard time fitting in. They didn't grow up in the system.
Maybe you could defy the odd on that? Maybe it would be a good idea to spend next summer break from school in India. Not "on vacation" but really spend all 3-4 months of your summer term there to help you evaluate if it is the place that you want to be. I'd bet that it isn't as simple and that the possibilities for changes aren't as easy as you'd think. I wish you the best though.
posted by k8t at 9:06 PM on September 9, 2010 [6 favorites]
A very dear friend of mine from high school was born in India but moved to the US when she was about 2 or so. She struggled with identity issues much like you are. It wasn't until she spent some time in India as an adult that she truly felt American. It was only in contrast to Indians that she became comfortable in her own skin.
I say, go spend some time in India. You will either get this out of your system or find just what you are looking for. Wouldn't your parents by thrilled if you told them you wanted to go visit some relatives?
You don't have to decide anything now. Instead of planning your life, just plan a trip.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:09 PM on September 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
I say, go spend some time in India. You will either get this out of your system or find just what you are looking for. Wouldn't your parents by thrilled if you told them you wanted to go visit some relatives?
You don't have to decide anything now. Instead of planning your life, just plan a trip.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:09 PM on September 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence....until you hop the fence and realize the same is true there. It's a cliche for a reason.
posted by inturnaround at 9:12 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by inturnaround at 9:12 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
There is nothing about what you are feeling that is expressly "South Asian." You're young, you haven't really seen the world yet, and you are in transition. You're also in university at 18.
Take a break. Go travel, not necessarily just in India, read lots of books, have experiences, and find yourself. This relentless rush into adulthood and money-making is way too premature. If you don't, you are just setting yourself up for a nice, juicy mid-life crisis.
I also think you should develop some humility and park that raging ambition for a second. I'm not disparaging your goals or telling you to drop them, just suggesting that you might want to pause, breathe things in, and dispense with the me-centric approach for a little bit.
Good luck. You sound like a decent person.
posted by teedee2000 at 9:15 PM on September 9, 2010
Take a break. Go travel, not necessarily just in India, read lots of books, have experiences, and find yourself. This relentless rush into adulthood and money-making is way too premature. If you don't, you are just setting yourself up for a nice, juicy mid-life crisis.
I also think you should develop some humility and park that raging ambition for a second. I'm not disparaging your goals or telling you to drop them, just suggesting that you might want to pause, breathe things in, and dispense with the me-centric approach for a little bit.
Good luck. You sound like a decent person.
posted by teedee2000 at 9:15 PM on September 9, 2010
I think you sound more American than you realize. Going to India will show you that you really are an American. EVERYONE feels the way you do, especially at around your age. The idealized "community" or "family" that you are longing for which you think you will find in India isn't something that just appears and takes you in. Every person, no matter where they live and no matter where they come from needs to build their own commmunity or family where ever they are. Like teedee2000 said, travel, read, experience life. If you really want to change the world, you do have many options...become a doctor and serve the poor in India, study politics and run for office, become a Fullbright scholar, watch TED (www.ted.com) videos...find your tribe!
posted by MsKim at 9:24 PM on September 9, 2010
posted by MsKim at 9:24 PM on September 9, 2010
I'm first-generation, and my parents are pretty Westernized, as am I. That said, when I was around your age I definitely felt a strong urge to get a more tangible sense of my heritage.
My first question is how much time have you spent in India? There was a point where a switch sort of flipped for me (and in retrospect I think it probably coincided with my first experiences as a financially independent adult in America) in my perception of India. Quite simply, my life would be completely different had I been raised in India, primarily because there would be a whole universe of choices that not only wouldn't have been available to me there, but that I never would have been able to imagine.
India has the same structural problems as America does; social and economic stratification, political corruption that undermines peoples' faith in democratic institutions, racism, sexism, and reactionary politics dressed in the clothes of religious piety. The biggest difference I've found is that people have gotten so used to kafka-esque bureaucracy, petty corruption, and the absence or ineffectuality of things like ambulances, hospitals, or even traffic lights, that they just deal with it and get on with their lives instead of getting indignant and trying to change things. You can say what you will about the American sense of entitlement, but it usually means that when a bunch of people get run over trying to cross a street, eventually they'll put in a crosswalk.
All that said, India is a genuinely wonderful and beautiful country. I have a great deal of family there whom I love desperately. Ultimately it's a country where people live at the mercy of a dysfunctional government, and still do pretty well. If you want to go there to try and learn about who you are, by all means go. If you want to go and try to fix the country, at least go there knowing that you'll have to work harder to achieve less there than you would in America.
posted by kid_dynamite at 9:25 PM on September 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
My first question is how much time have you spent in India? There was a point where a switch sort of flipped for me (and in retrospect I think it probably coincided with my first experiences as a financially independent adult in America) in my perception of India. Quite simply, my life would be completely different had I been raised in India, primarily because there would be a whole universe of choices that not only wouldn't have been available to me there, but that I never would have been able to imagine.
India has the same structural problems as America does; social and economic stratification, political corruption that undermines peoples' faith in democratic institutions, racism, sexism, and reactionary politics dressed in the clothes of religious piety. The biggest difference I've found is that people have gotten so used to kafka-esque bureaucracy, petty corruption, and the absence or ineffectuality of things like ambulances, hospitals, or even traffic lights, that they just deal with it and get on with their lives instead of getting indignant and trying to change things. You can say what you will about the American sense of entitlement, but it usually means that when a bunch of people get run over trying to cross a street, eventually they'll put in a crosswalk.
All that said, India is a genuinely wonderful and beautiful country. I have a great deal of family there whom I love desperately. Ultimately it's a country where people live at the mercy of a dysfunctional government, and still do pretty well. If you want to go there to try and learn about who you are, by all means go. If you want to go and try to fix the country, at least go there knowing that you'll have to work harder to achieve less there than you would in America.
posted by kid_dynamite at 9:25 PM on September 9, 2010 [4 favorites]
Yet as I turned 18 recently, I realized that I was living a relatively sterile life--devoid of much passion, exploration, and general boyishness. I am still a virgin, have never fallen in love, and have never had a true best friend. After I became a legal adult, I realized I had had no real childhood. Furthermore, all around me, as I read the Great Books of the ancient world, I feel a kind of nostalgia for a time I never knew. I see the modern western world (especially America) as a place that is crumbling beneath our feet (or at least our children's feet).
For the record, and consistent with what teedee2000 said above, there are lots of Americans not of Indian descent who feel exactly the same way. Perhaps you can approach this as a more general search for meaning, for genuine connection to other people. By all means, travel to India and see if that helps, but be open to the possibility that it won't really flip your switch.
posted by rkent at 9:29 PM on September 9, 2010
For the record, and consistent with what teedee2000 said above, there are lots of Americans not of Indian descent who feel exactly the same way. Perhaps you can approach this as a more general search for meaning, for genuine connection to other people. By all means, travel to India and see if that helps, but be open to the possibility that it won't really flip your switch.
posted by rkent at 9:29 PM on September 9, 2010
This is beautiful!
First of all, 18 is not too old to be a virgin!!
Second of all, this reminds me of my mother. Her parents were from Mexico and tried very hard to assimilate to American. At 20 my mom went to live in Mexico to 'find herself" and learn better Spanish. I think you should visit India..you are at a great age to do it. But don't romanticize it too much..after my mom's visit to Mexico, while she's glad she did it, she was grateful to be able to come back to America!
posted by hellameangirl at 9:53 PM on September 9, 2010
First of all, 18 is not too old to be a virgin!!
Second of all, this reminds me of my mother. Her parents were from Mexico and tried very hard to assimilate to American. At 20 my mom went to live in Mexico to 'find herself" and learn better Spanish. I think you should visit India..you are at a great age to do it. But don't romanticize it too much..after my mom's visit to Mexico, while she's glad she did it, she was grateful to be able to come back to America!
posted by hellameangirl at 9:53 PM on September 9, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks all for the wonderful advice. Going to bed now and will check back in the morning. All you mefites are wonderful.
posted by Duac246 at 10:12 PM on September 9, 2010
posted by Duac246 at 10:12 PM on September 9, 2010
Growing up is hard work. I suspect that we don't realize what hard work it is until we're almost done doing it.
I'm as white as it gets, so I don't know how to be helpful in regards to the struggle with identity. But this resonated with me: "After I became a legal adult, I realized I had had no real childhood."
My friend, there is a time and place for everything, and it is called college.
The dedication and commitment to being a 21st century leader in India is great. I absolutely encourage you to pursue that. You're in a place right now where you can learn the skills you need for that, including how to think about what that *means,* and what it ought to mean.
Just don't forget to find joy in what you're doing. The thing that makes childhood great is the joy and the play. That's why we can say such an absurd phrase as "I never really had a childhood" -- we don't mean that we were never children, we mean that we never got to really play and explore. So, do it now. Take classes that sound fun to you, and do things that feel authentic. I don't mean blow off being a responsible adult, and goodness knows plenty of people screw up their freshman year with precisely these desires in mind, but I do mean that you don't have to have a ten year strategic plan in place.
So play! And if anybody has a problem with it, tell them to mind their own business 'cause you're a grownup.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 10:17 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm as white as it gets, so I don't know how to be helpful in regards to the struggle with identity. But this resonated with me: "After I became a legal adult, I realized I had had no real childhood."
My friend, there is a time and place for everything, and it is called college.
The dedication and commitment to being a 21st century leader in India is great. I absolutely encourage you to pursue that. You're in a place right now where you can learn the skills you need for that, including how to think about what that *means,* and what it ought to mean.
Just don't forget to find joy in what you're doing. The thing that makes childhood great is the joy and the play. That's why we can say such an absurd phrase as "I never really had a childhood" -- we don't mean that we were never children, we mean that we never got to really play and explore. So, do it now. Take classes that sound fun to you, and do things that feel authentic. I don't mean blow off being a responsible adult, and goodness knows plenty of people screw up their freshman year with precisely these desires in mind, but I do mean that you don't have to have a ten year strategic plan in place.
So play! And if anybody has a problem with it, tell them to mind their own business 'cause you're a grownup.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 10:17 PM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's really hard not to sound condescending (or world-weary) but you sound very much like a smart, passionate, idealistic 18-year-old. I'm reminded of William Wordsworth's lines as a young man seeing the French Revolution close up:
posted by holgate at 10:20 PM on September 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive,Plan a trip, use the advantages at your disposal to channel your enthusiasm in concrete ways, leave doors open and be willing to let time and experience do the shaping. Don't get cynical soon.
But to be young was very heaven!--Oh! times,
In which the meagre, stale, forbidding ways
Of custom, law, and statute, took at once
The attraction of a country in romance!
posted by holgate at 10:20 PM on September 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
You should go stay in India for a while. Not to disuade yourself from moving there permanently, but to get some exposure to your roots and to satisfy some of your wanderlust.
When you come of age in the relatively sterile environment of the States, it's a common impulse to want to see what the rest of the world is like. I know I did, and do.
Still, there's a slightly more unique angle to this situation you find yourself in. You're different, but you're not really a product of the homeland. I had the opportunity to go study in my dad's birthplace of Egypt, and while I know I made the right choice to stay in my birthplace, the US, I know there would have been value in living there for an extended time, and sometimes wonder what living there in the future would be like.
You're not Joe Smith. It's natural to be curious about where else you might fit in the world. You should by all means try to gain experience in India. But I would posit, based on your description of your upbringing, that transfering to a school in a less sterile city here in the US might be all you're looking for for now.
posted by malapropist at 10:20 PM on September 9, 2010
When you come of age in the relatively sterile environment of the States, it's a common impulse to want to see what the rest of the world is like. I know I did, and do.
Still, there's a slightly more unique angle to this situation you find yourself in. You're different, but you're not really a product of the homeland. I had the opportunity to go study in my dad's birthplace of Egypt, and while I know I made the right choice to stay in my birthplace, the US, I know there would have been value in living there for an extended time, and sometimes wonder what living there in the future would be like.
You're not Joe Smith. It's natural to be curious about where else you might fit in the world. You should by all means try to gain experience in India. But I would posit, based on your description of your upbringing, that transfering to a school in a less sterile city here in the US might be all you're looking for for now.
posted by malapropist at 10:20 PM on September 9, 2010
It seems like you have a lot of different things on your mind - wishing for a different kind of childhood than the one you had, realizing that your life experience has been a lot more sheltered than you expected, and trying to figure out how to have a meaningful life with a meaningful identity. These are all very reasonable things to be concerned about, but be aware that going to India is probably not a quick fix for everything.
I think that you are overly idealizing India. You seem to think (or at least hope) that by going to a different place, your life will suddenly be perfect and you will have everything you want. Well, some people do get lucky and find that their true love and ideal community just fall into their lap when they go somewhere new, but that's so rare. It just isn't that easy, generally.
I don't think that it's wrong to have a lot of hope for what a new place can teach you, but I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment right now. If you go to India and you don't fall in love, find your best friend, and change the world... what then? What will the experience be to you if those things don't happen? What I'm trying to say is, be open to whatever the world gives to you. So many things could happen in your life. You imagine going abroad/back to the homeland as something that is going to build you up and let you be the awesomest ever. It could instead be a very humbling experience. But that doesn't necessarily make it less profound or invigorating.
Certainly, going to a new place and exploring the possibility building a different life than what you had planned can be life-changing and awesome, even if it's also hard and not perfect. I think you should think about this more and explore, just be realistic about it. You absolutely need to study abroad. Maybe for a whole year if you can swing it, maybe even in two places. I did - I managed to arrange my college schedule so that I took care of my requirements in three years, leaving me an entire year to study abroad without having to fulfill hardly any requirements except for a GE or something. You sound like a smart, motivated person, and I think you could manage it, too. But even if your major is more demanding, at least do one semester. Go see the world (and not just India, if you can manage it). Travel. Experience life outside of America. Visit NGOs and talk to Americans who are living in these countries and trying to make a difference there. I guarantee you, it's not nearly as glamorous and wonderful as you think, but it is still great work. (SIT programs are great for these kinds of experiences.) Confront the reality, and see how it matches with your dreams. It may fall way short. It may exceed your expectations. It may do both! The world is crazy like that.
Good luck! I really don't mean to be a downer here. I may be encouraging you to tone down your expectations, but I'm not saying tone down your dreams. Go, explore, do your best to get out of your comfort zone and make your own life, and have a great time doing it.
posted by mandanza at 10:22 PM on September 9, 2010
I think that you are overly idealizing India. You seem to think (or at least hope) that by going to a different place, your life will suddenly be perfect and you will have everything you want. Well, some people do get lucky and find that their true love and ideal community just fall into their lap when they go somewhere new, but that's so rare. It just isn't that easy, generally.
I don't think that it's wrong to have a lot of hope for what a new place can teach you, but I think you are setting yourself up for disappointment right now. If you go to India and you don't fall in love, find your best friend, and change the world... what then? What will the experience be to you if those things don't happen? What I'm trying to say is, be open to whatever the world gives to you. So many things could happen in your life. You imagine going abroad/back to the homeland as something that is going to build you up and let you be the awesomest ever. It could instead be a very humbling experience. But that doesn't necessarily make it less profound or invigorating.
Certainly, going to a new place and exploring the possibility building a different life than what you had planned can be life-changing and awesome, even if it's also hard and not perfect. I think you should think about this more and explore, just be realistic about it. You absolutely need to study abroad. Maybe for a whole year if you can swing it, maybe even in two places. I did - I managed to arrange my college schedule so that I took care of my requirements in three years, leaving me an entire year to study abroad without having to fulfill hardly any requirements except for a GE or something. You sound like a smart, motivated person, and I think you could manage it, too. But even if your major is more demanding, at least do one semester. Go see the world (and not just India, if you can manage it). Travel. Experience life outside of America. Visit NGOs and talk to Americans who are living in these countries and trying to make a difference there. I guarantee you, it's not nearly as glamorous and wonderful as you think, but it is still great work. (SIT programs are great for these kinds of experiences.) Confront the reality, and see how it matches with your dreams. It may fall way short. It may exceed your expectations. It may do both! The world is crazy like that.
Good luck! I really don't mean to be a downer here. I may be encouraging you to tone down your expectations, but I'm not saying tone down your dreams. Go, explore, do your best to get out of your comfort zone and make your own life, and have a great time doing it.
posted by mandanza at 10:22 PM on September 9, 2010
Sounds like the kind of sentiments I had when I was younger and some of the issues that I think about occasionally.
I think part of it was this youthful sense of naivete and wonder and the inevitable disappointment: the big ideas that you learn in school don't seem to quite match up with the reality you read in the newspaper or see on TV or witness among your peers at large. Especially at the end of high school, it was hard for me to connect with my peers. I was keenly focused on doing what I thought was right at the expense of a semblance of a "typical childhood/adolescence"
Looking back, I don't think I missed much. It's a matter of balance and, at some point, you just gotta take it easy. Enjoy the everything that is college. Set realistic goals that don't compromise your principles or long term vision for yourself. Make friends.
At an early age, it's easy to have big thoughts that aren't really grounded. When making your big picture goals for yourself, these big thoughts can help define who you are, what you want to be. But as you mature, you have new experiences that modify your previous thinking. This is when as you work out the details of how to meet your ambitions, you have minor course corrections, informed by your experiences and knowledge that you gain from maturity (college, life, etc.)
I just recently visited China (where my relatives originally come from) and it was eye opening. The media in the US seems to paint a relatively negative picture of China while some relatives (in the US) seem to paint an overly rosy picture of China. It's neither here nor there. It's hard to capture the essence of such a huge country in these limited snapshots, and while China has many positive things going for it, it also has many challenges. It was good to see for myself what modern-day China is like. And it is a complex place. And by no means would an American, albeit of Chinese descent, easily integrate into the society there.
It took me some time to temper the outrage, disappointment, and the grandiose ambitions of late adolescence. It sounds like you're a smart and well read person--seek out similar people as you go through college and engage them on these issues. I think it's good to keep some of the issues that you raise in the back of your mind, occasionally mulling them over and engaging your peers with these thoughts, and always checking in with reality. However, the practical thing is to do what some have mentioned previously:
- visit India, talk to relatives
- explore & engage in college with an open mind
- combine your studies with your interest in India, do a summer program abroad
- and finally, from my perspective as person training to be a physician, medicine is a big tent and offers many options (research, policy, global health, etc.) with the aim of serving humanity
Hope that helps, and good luck with college!
posted by scalespace at 10:37 PM on September 9, 2010
I think part of it was this youthful sense of naivete and wonder and the inevitable disappointment: the big ideas that you learn in school don't seem to quite match up with the reality you read in the newspaper or see on TV or witness among your peers at large. Especially at the end of high school, it was hard for me to connect with my peers. I was keenly focused on doing what I thought was right at the expense of a semblance of a "typical childhood/adolescence"
Looking back, I don't think I missed much. It's a matter of balance and, at some point, you just gotta take it easy. Enjoy the everything that is college. Set realistic goals that don't compromise your principles or long term vision for yourself. Make friends.
At an early age, it's easy to have big thoughts that aren't really grounded. When making your big picture goals for yourself, these big thoughts can help define who you are, what you want to be. But as you mature, you have new experiences that modify your previous thinking. This is when as you work out the details of how to meet your ambitions, you have minor course corrections, informed by your experiences and knowledge that you gain from maturity (college, life, etc.)
I just recently visited China (where my relatives originally come from) and it was eye opening. The media in the US seems to paint a relatively negative picture of China while some relatives (in the US) seem to paint an overly rosy picture of China. It's neither here nor there. It's hard to capture the essence of such a huge country in these limited snapshots, and while China has many positive things going for it, it also has many challenges. It was good to see for myself what modern-day China is like. And it is a complex place. And by no means would an American, albeit of Chinese descent, easily integrate into the society there.
It took me some time to temper the outrage, disappointment, and the grandiose ambitions of late adolescence. It sounds like you're a smart and well read person--seek out similar people as you go through college and engage them on these issues. I think it's good to keep some of the issues that you raise in the back of your mind, occasionally mulling them over and engaging your peers with these thoughts, and always checking in with reality. However, the practical thing is to do what some have mentioned previously:
- visit India, talk to relatives
- explore & engage in college with an open mind
- combine your studies with your interest in India, do a summer program abroad
- and finally, from my perspective as person training to be a physician, medicine is a big tent and offers many options (research, policy, global health, etc.) with the aim of serving humanity
Hope that helps, and good luck with college!
posted by scalespace at 10:37 PM on September 9, 2010
I suspect you have built up an idealized version of India, an escapist fantasy -- which in my opinion has nothing to do with your heritage, but everything to do with the fact that you are young and seem to have led a sheltered life. You still have a lot of time to explore your heritage and India! If I were you, I would plan on getting my medical degree, then maybe do an internship in India. A friend of mine who went through a somewhat similar situation did a 3 month internship at a hospital in India. He got over his idealism really quickly when confronted with reality and having to live it. Not to say that you will have the same experience, but it could be a useful exercise in discovering wh o you are.
FWIW, I am Indian, and moved to the United States six years ago. I love India, and think it is (mostly) beautiful and amazing. But I also think that my experiences here in the US have been beautiful and amazing too! I also grew up with one sibling, and thankfully, with no gang of cousins or neighbors. Generalizations don't work in a multicultural country like India...
Be patient, give yourself time, and you will find out that you do not have to "have a cultural bond" or live in a specific country to be the interesting individual you obviously are!
posted by prenominal at 10:45 PM on September 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
FWIW, I am Indian, and moved to the United States six years ago. I love India, and think it is (mostly) beautiful and amazing. But I also think that my experiences here in the US have been beautiful and amazing too! I also grew up with one sibling, and thankfully, with no gang of cousins or neighbors. Generalizations don't work in a multicultural country like India...
Be patient, give yourself time, and you will find out that you do not have to "have a cultural bond" or live in a specific country to be the interesting individual you obviously are!
posted by prenominal at 10:45 PM on September 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Go to India for a while. Most likely you'll realize how much you are idealizing it, or maybe you'll fall in love with the place (or a girl in the place!) and want to stay there. Either way, win/win. The only way to lose is not to go and move beyond this phase either way.
posted by zachawry at 11:04 PM on September 9, 2010
posted by zachawry at 11:04 PM on September 9, 2010
I related to a lot of your post, so I thought I'd reply. I'm half-Egyptian/half-American and grew up in the US, always feeling weird about my identity and wanting to get out of the suburb I grew up in. Eventually, I went back to Egypt for a year of study abroad in college, plus about 6 months after graduation. It was hugely rewarding and taught me a lot about myself, my family, and the US. So I definitely recommend that you spend time in India, preferably a longer period of time; a year will give you a better idea of what it's really like than just a few months. Maybe you can study abroad in your junior year, though if you're a pre-med student, that may be hard. You could go for a summer, or a "gap year" in between undergrad and med school.
I imagine myself falling in love there, finding my best friend there...
I know it's really easy to romanticize the "home country," especially if you've never spent much time there (you don't say in your post how often you've visited). But as depressing as it sounds, I'd really encourage you to lower your expectations. If you've always had trouble making friends/dating — and I sympathize, because I always have too — that won't magically change in India. In fact, it'll probably be even harder to make real friends there because of cultural gaps.
I think many people who grow up in the US as an ethnic minority feel "different" from a lot of the people around them (depending on the demographics of their neighborhood/school). I know I did. But you'll feel different from most of the people in India too, since you didn't grow up there. Do you follow Indian pop culture, movies, music, TV shows, etc.? Do you speak Hindi or any other Indian language? Do you strongly identify with your family's religion? Those things can make a difference, but the point is, don't expect that it'll necessarily be easy for you to integrate into India.
You may be able to find a greater sense of community there, or you may not. Have you spent summers there regularly? Do you have pre-existing relationships with family and family friends/neighbors there? Do you find it easy to build relationships with new people? If not, it may not be that easy for you to just become part of the community.
In the US, I always felt like I wasn't completely American and hoped/believed that when I went to Egypt, I would "find myself." And I actually kind of did, but when I was in Egypt, I realized just how American I am, and also how lucky I was to grow up in America, despite its flaws. And pretty much all my friends in similar situations have had that reaction when going back to their parents' countries. So just be open to the possibility that if you go to India, your experience may not turn out exactly the way you imagine it.
I know all of that may sound really discouraging, or maybe condescending, and I don't mean it to be. I do think if you spend time in India, it'll definitely be rewarding for you, whether or not you end up accomplishing all your dreams. And you should take the chance to do it while you're young and not settled down. So go for it, and good luck!
posted by gg at 11:24 PM on September 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
I imagine myself falling in love there, finding my best friend there...
I know it's really easy to romanticize the "home country," especially if you've never spent much time there (you don't say in your post how often you've visited). But as depressing as it sounds, I'd really encourage you to lower your expectations. If you've always had trouble making friends/dating — and I sympathize, because I always have too — that won't magically change in India. In fact, it'll probably be even harder to make real friends there because of cultural gaps.
I think many people who grow up in the US as an ethnic minority feel "different" from a lot of the people around them (depending on the demographics of their neighborhood/school). I know I did. But you'll feel different from most of the people in India too, since you didn't grow up there. Do you follow Indian pop culture, movies, music, TV shows, etc.? Do you speak Hindi or any other Indian language? Do you strongly identify with your family's religion? Those things can make a difference, but the point is, don't expect that it'll necessarily be easy for you to integrate into India.
You may be able to find a greater sense of community there, or you may not. Have you spent summers there regularly? Do you have pre-existing relationships with family and family friends/neighbors there? Do you find it easy to build relationships with new people? If not, it may not be that easy for you to just become part of the community.
In the US, I always felt like I wasn't completely American and hoped/believed that when I went to Egypt, I would "find myself." And I actually kind of did, but when I was in Egypt, I realized just how American I am, and also how lucky I was to grow up in America, despite its flaws. And pretty much all my friends in similar situations have had that reaction when going back to their parents' countries. So just be open to the possibility that if you go to India, your experience may not turn out exactly the way you imagine it.
I know all of that may sound really discouraging, or maybe condescending, and I don't mean it to be. I do think if you spend time in India, it'll definitely be rewarding for you, whether or not you end up accomplishing all your dreams. And you should take the chance to do it while you're young and not settled down. So go for it, and good luck!
posted by gg at 11:24 PM on September 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
I can't speak for India, but I can tell you a little bit about my own experience. I am a Chinese-American immigrant, originally from Hong Kong, who has now been living in China for the last five years. Originally I had a lot of the same ideas that you did, especially about China being a place where I could find myself, be part of a community that doesn't exist in the States, and contribute to the historical changes that are happening in China. Heck, when I told my parents I was going, their reaction was essentially, "We spent a lot of time, money and energy coming here so that you wouldn't have to live in China. Why do you want to go back?"
I've been thriving here, I have great Chinese friends, I work in a Chinese company and in a Chinese-speaking environment, I am a Chinese university grad student. Yet, I wouldn't even remotely kid myself that I have integrated here. I look the part and to a certain extent, talk the talk, but my upbringing in America and even my heritage as a Hong Konger rather than as a mainlander infinitely sets me apart. These kinds of differences are not small. After all this time in China, I can't wait to go back to the US and my appreciation of precisely what I have had has grown infinitely.
But, despite all the crazy that is China, I've loved my experience here, and so, my advice to you is to do the same. Experience India at its best and at its worst. It will not always be on your terms, and don't expect that you will find it easy. Go and get what you want out of it. You'll never regret it.
posted by so much modern time at 12:53 AM on September 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've been thriving here, I have great Chinese friends, I work in a Chinese company and in a Chinese-speaking environment, I am a Chinese university grad student. Yet, I wouldn't even remotely kid myself that I have integrated here. I look the part and to a certain extent, talk the talk, but my upbringing in America and even my heritage as a Hong Konger rather than as a mainlander infinitely sets me apart. These kinds of differences are not small. After all this time in China, I can't wait to go back to the US and my appreciation of precisely what I have had has grown infinitely.
But, despite all the crazy that is China, I've loved my experience here, and so, my advice to you is to do the same. Experience India at its best and at its worst. It will not always be on your terms, and don't expect that you will find it easy. Go and get what you want out of it. You'll never regret it.
posted by so much modern time at 12:53 AM on September 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
There is unlikely to be another time in your life when you will have as much freedom to travel as you do at this point. It's absolutely true that travel broadens the mind. I say go! Go to India, travel via Europe or Asia, see as much of the world as you can.
Even if you don't find that best friend or the love of your life, and no matter whatever else you may find in India, you'll come home with a different perspective on the world, and that can only be a life-enhancing experience.
posted by essexjan at 12:55 AM on September 10, 2010
Even if you don't find that best friend or the love of your life, and no matter whatever else you may find in India, you'll come home with a different perspective on the world, and that can only be a life-enhancing experience.
posted by essexjan at 12:55 AM on September 10, 2010
I'm with the go to India crowd. At the very least, it's a fascinating, wonder (and occasionally horrifying) country and it'll be a great experience. I have no ethic connections at all and I've been there five times now. Take a few months: it's huge.
posted by rhymer at 1:31 AM on September 10, 2010
posted by rhymer at 1:31 AM on September 10, 2010
Rubbish! I wrote a long answer and lost it to the ether. How annoying.
To recap: I was really moved by your question. I think you should definitely try to go to India but stay long enough to engage as someone who's living there, not as a tourist. Maybe you could do an internship there?
I did not grow up in India but in a country very close to it, so I empathise. The one thing that has helped me retain a sense of identity has been my language. So I do recommend that you speak, read and occasionally immerse yourself in it - if you don't already. It will help you integrate better should you ever travel to India, but it may also help you with your sense of rootlessness.
You will probably find that the real India is quite different from your current ideas of it, and you may be occasionally shocked. But you will also be moved, delighted, angered, amused and a hundred other things. India is wonderful. Please go.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:24 AM on September 10, 2010
To recap: I was really moved by your question. I think you should definitely try to go to India but stay long enough to engage as someone who's living there, not as a tourist. Maybe you could do an internship there?
I did not grow up in India but in a country very close to it, so I empathise. The one thing that has helped me retain a sense of identity has been my language. So I do recommend that you speak, read and occasionally immerse yourself in it - if you don't already. It will help you integrate better should you ever travel to India, but it may also help you with your sense of rootlessness.
You will probably find that the real India is quite different from your current ideas of it, and you may be occasionally shocked. But you will also be moved, delighted, angered, amused and a hundred other things. India is wonderful. Please go.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:24 AM on September 10, 2010
I wish I could be more helpful with a link, but I'm running low on time at the moment and couldn't find the story after a brief search: There was an article in the NY Times maybe a year or two ago about American children of Indian immigrants returning to India to work and the frustrations they had doing so because of the major cultural differences. You may want to seek that article out - there may be other similar journalism pieces or even research on the topic.
posted by unannihilated at 3:34 AM on September 10, 2010
posted by unannihilated at 3:34 AM on September 10, 2010
Knowing that you grew up in Indiana and then reading:
But I am jealous of a kind of society where kids grow up with a gang of siblings, cousins and neighbors, not on an eerily quiet suburb with golf, twisted notions of 'personal space', and newspapers that mention the latest "free random event in the park". I want my children and my family to be in a place that I am truly proud to call home and be an active citizen of.
here's what I have to say. Not everywhere is like that. I, too, grew up in Indiana, in suburbs much like you describe, away from blood relatives. I got the hell out as soon as I could. Granted, I didn't end up terribly far away (Cincinnati), but the people I found for myself couldn't be farther from what I grew up with. I have found my family here, in the place of my choosing, and I consider myself incredibly blessed. My friends (= family) are artists and musicians and teachers and doctors and more. Our children are growing up together. You can make that community for yourself, which is what we've done. If you know where to look, you'll find your community.
posted by cooker girl at 4:04 AM on September 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
But I am jealous of a kind of society where kids grow up with a gang of siblings, cousins and neighbors, not on an eerily quiet suburb with golf, twisted notions of 'personal space', and newspapers that mention the latest "free random event in the park". I want my children and my family to be in a place that I am truly proud to call home and be an active citizen of.
here's what I have to say. Not everywhere is like that. I, too, grew up in Indiana, in suburbs much like you describe, away from blood relatives. I got the hell out as soon as I could. Granted, I didn't end up terribly far away (Cincinnati), but the people I found for myself couldn't be farther from what I grew up with. I have found my family here, in the place of my choosing, and I consider myself incredibly blessed. My friends (= family) are artists and musicians and teachers and doctors and more. Our children are growing up together. You can make that community for yourself, which is what we've done. If you know where to look, you'll find your community.
posted by cooker girl at 4:04 AM on September 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're in school? You should totally do a study abroad in India for one semester or a year. Study abroads are usually more organized than personal trips so you will get to go on more cultural trips or do more cultural activities. You'll also be traveling with a group of students who are just as curious about India as you are, and because the place will be so foreign to all you guys, you'll all stick together and become good friends.
Besides, your parents will like the idea of study abroad because you'll be seeing the homeland AND you'll be getting college credit for school.
posted by nikkorizz at 4:12 AM on September 10, 2010
Besides, your parents will like the idea of study abroad because you'll be seeing the homeland AND you'll be getting college credit for school.
posted by nikkorizz at 4:12 AM on September 10, 2010
Go to India, but try not to let how it (and time) changes your perspective make you feel bad. I felt more or less the way you describe when I was 18, but for me it was about Being Jewish and how appalling it was that my grandfather more or less ditched the religion (and a lot of the culture) in his 20s and how being a Mormon/Unitarian Universalist was infinitely less "authentic" than what he'd given up, without so much as consulting me no less! I couldn't even criticize him to his face, as he had the gall to die when I was a toddler.
After a year or two of attending Hillel events and other exploratory stuff (I lacked the money to actually go to Israel, and I am in fact a Mormon so no conversion stuff, either) I calmed down. I'm still extremely fond of the culture and religion that forms a huge part of my family's history, but the "ugh, everything is so plastic, I must flee towards ooh shiny" panic/obsession has more or less left. If that's what this turns out to be, the 25+ responses above should reinforce that that's totally normal and OK. If it turns out your destiny is India, then, woot.
posted by SMPA at 4:46 AM on September 10, 2010
After a year or two of attending Hillel events and other exploratory stuff (I lacked the money to actually go to Israel, and I am in fact a Mormon so no conversion stuff, either) I calmed down. I'm still extremely fond of the culture and religion that forms a huge part of my family's history, but the "ugh, everything is so plastic, I must flee towards ooh shiny" panic/obsession has more or less left. If that's what this turns out to be, the 25+ responses above should reinforce that that's totally normal and OK. If it turns out your destiny is India, then, woot.
posted by SMPA at 4:46 AM on September 10, 2010
My background really isn't like yours (Most of my immigrant ancestors came over from Europe ~5 generations ago), but I had very similar feelings when I was 16-20 years old. If only I could live in a place where everyone knows who they are and where they fit in, where community really matters, and where people create real connections! For me those feelings really came from being disconnected from people where I was living at the time. It sounds like these feelings are a completely normal reaction to your environment (which isn't necessarily bad, but you want more), but they also indicate a potentially positive desire to connect with a community.
A few things happened that helped me out. I had the chance to visit the country most of my ancestors came from several times. Not only was it a blast (international travel is fun!), but in just 3 weeks I felt that I got a pretty good feel for the place. I learned that there are definitely some attractive parts to the culture there, and in many ways I felt at home because even over 5 generations, some of the culture had stuck with my family. But I also realized that I didn't fit in perfectly, didn't entirely understand the culture, didn't speak the language well, and had no friends there. Cultures vary, but people are still people - If I were to move there, I would still have to get up and go to work every day, I would still have to prove myself, and I was no more likely to be a rock star or CEO just because I moved to a certain country. So I'm Nthing the people who say you should visit India - you'll probably learn some positive things and also get a dose of reality, which can be a positive experience as well.
Second, I realized that I don't fit in in the place I grew up, but I fit in very well in other parts of the country. It was pure chance that I moved to my current area 4 years ago, but people here are so much saner than people in my home state and I meet people much more easily. It's possible that you don't fit in very well in suburban Indiana (and the Bay Area neighborhood where you lived), but would fit in well in the Pacific NW, the Eastern Seaboard, the upper Midwest, etc. Moreover, even though I didn't move far for college, the people who went to my college were much more like me than the people I grew up with. So once you get out of the house, I think you're likely to start finding out who you are and who you like to be around.
It's entirely possible that you'll find your community in India and eventually choose to move there. But it's also possible that you'll find it in New Haven, CT or Madison, WI. So before you try to move to India, find out what's really there. If you do really like it, maybe you can be the bridge between those two worlds. Maybe you can worth with a nonprofit (and eventually lead the nonprofit?) that helps rural businesses connect internationally. Maybe you can be the liaison between a major corporation's Atlanta and Delhi offices. It doesn't have to be an either / or proposition.
Made of Star Stuff My friend, there is a time and place for everything, and it is called college. This phrase always sounds flippant to me, but I love it so much. It's true. You finally get to be in charge of yourself, which causes you to grow immensely and lets you do the dumb things that are required to grow up. It sounds like you're feeling a little lost, and being your own person a little will definitely help with that.
I imagine myself falling in love there, finding my best friend there...
Love: I didn't start dating until late in college, and never fell in love until after college. I don't think that's a problem, a young me in love would have been an utter moron. Give it time.
As for best friends, they come and go. You will have a succession of friends who are your best friend and confidant at the time, and some of them you'll stay in touch with and some not. That's fine; you only have a lifetime best friend if both of you grow up in a small town and never leave it - which is not a good tradeoff. I had a best friend in grade school, no best friend in high school, and found a best friend Sophomore year of college, and found another post-college, etc.
Wow. I'm definitely in tl;dr territory, so I'll stop. But to summarize, you're normal, just get out there and experience things different from your current situation, both in India and in college, and you'll start to find your way. And a closing thought: be careful about how you phrase any of this to your parents - talk about learning about India and your heritage, not "I think I want to leave America!" With proud immigrant parents, you might accidentally come off as rejecting their choice to move here, which could lead to misunderstandings when all you really want to do is learn and explore some feelings you're having.
posted by Tehhund at 5:05 AM on September 10, 2010
A few things happened that helped me out. I had the chance to visit the country most of my ancestors came from several times. Not only was it a blast (international travel is fun!), but in just 3 weeks I felt that I got a pretty good feel for the place. I learned that there are definitely some attractive parts to the culture there, and in many ways I felt at home because even over 5 generations, some of the culture had stuck with my family. But I also realized that I didn't fit in perfectly, didn't entirely understand the culture, didn't speak the language well, and had no friends there. Cultures vary, but people are still people - If I were to move there, I would still have to get up and go to work every day, I would still have to prove myself, and I was no more likely to be a rock star or CEO just because I moved to a certain country. So I'm Nthing the people who say you should visit India - you'll probably learn some positive things and also get a dose of reality, which can be a positive experience as well.
Second, I realized that I don't fit in in the place I grew up, but I fit in very well in other parts of the country. It was pure chance that I moved to my current area 4 years ago, but people here are so much saner than people in my home state and I meet people much more easily. It's possible that you don't fit in very well in suburban Indiana (and the Bay Area neighborhood where you lived), but would fit in well in the Pacific NW, the Eastern Seaboard, the upper Midwest, etc. Moreover, even though I didn't move far for college, the people who went to my college were much more like me than the people I grew up with. So once you get out of the house, I think you're likely to start finding out who you are and who you like to be around.
It's entirely possible that you'll find your community in India and eventually choose to move there. But it's also possible that you'll find it in New Haven, CT or Madison, WI. So before you try to move to India, find out what's really there. If you do really like it, maybe you can be the bridge between those two worlds. Maybe you can worth with a nonprofit (and eventually lead the nonprofit?) that helps rural businesses connect internationally. Maybe you can be the liaison between a major corporation's Atlanta and Delhi offices. It doesn't have to be an either / or proposition.
Made of Star Stuff My friend, there is a time and place for everything, and it is called college. This phrase always sounds flippant to me, but I love it so much. It's true. You finally get to be in charge of yourself, which causes you to grow immensely and lets you do the dumb things that are required to grow up. It sounds like you're feeling a little lost, and being your own person a little will definitely help with that.
I imagine myself falling in love there, finding my best friend there...
Love: I didn't start dating until late in college, and never fell in love until after college. I don't think that's a problem, a young me in love would have been an utter moron. Give it time.
As for best friends, they come and go. You will have a succession of friends who are your best friend and confidant at the time, and some of them you'll stay in touch with and some not. That's fine; you only have a lifetime best friend if both of you grow up in a small town and never leave it - which is not a good tradeoff. I had a best friend in grade school, no best friend in high school, and found a best friend Sophomore year of college, and found another post-college, etc.
Wow. I'm definitely in tl;dr territory, so I'll stop. But to summarize, you're normal, just get out there and experience things different from your current situation, both in India and in college, and you'll start to find your way. And a closing thought: be careful about how you phrase any of this to your parents - talk about learning about India and your heritage, not "I think I want to leave America!" With proud immigrant parents, you might accidentally come off as rejecting their choice to move here, which could lead to misunderstandings when all you really want to do is learn and explore some feelings you're having.
posted by Tehhund at 5:05 AM on September 10, 2010
There was an article in the NY Times maybe a year or two ago about American children of Indian immigrants returning to India to work and the frustrations they had doing so because of the major cultural differences.
I remember reading that article too — here's the link.
posted by gg at 5:36 AM on September 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I remember reading that article too — here's the link.
posted by gg at 5:36 AM on September 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I go to a great university, my rich parents think I can do no wrong, and I have a promising (and frankly, exciting) career as a doctor lined up for me after I graduate.
I wanted to pull this out because it sounds as though part of your problem is that you feel as though your life has no adventure in it, no risk. Your wealthy, doting parents may have a career "lined up" for you, and they may be proud of your accomplishments. However, one of the great things about being an adult in a free country is that you don't have to do what is "lined up" for you. Heck, America was founded by people who didn't do what their parents did or had planned for them.
If I were you, I'd take being a doctor off the table. Not permanently, necessarily, but for, say, a year, tell yourself that you're not going to be what you've always planned to be. Now, what do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to live? Do you want to stay in college now, or would you prefer to go do something else for a while? What sorts of jobs sound interesting to you? Think about what kind of life you want beyond what's "lined up" for you, and see where that gets you. If you still want to be a doctor, medical school will always be there to come back to. But for now, explore all of the other, out of line things that are possible in the big wide world.
posted by decathecting at 5:58 AM on September 10, 2010
I wanted to pull this out because it sounds as though part of your problem is that you feel as though your life has no adventure in it, no risk. Your wealthy, doting parents may have a career "lined up" for you, and they may be proud of your accomplishments. However, one of the great things about being an adult in a free country is that you don't have to do what is "lined up" for you. Heck, America was founded by people who didn't do what their parents did or had planned for them.
If I were you, I'd take being a doctor off the table. Not permanently, necessarily, but for, say, a year, tell yourself that you're not going to be what you've always planned to be. Now, what do you want to do with your life? Where do you want to live? Do you want to stay in college now, or would you prefer to go do something else for a while? What sorts of jobs sound interesting to you? Think about what kind of life you want beyond what's "lined up" for you, and see where that gets you. If you still want to be a doctor, medical school will always be there to come back to. But for now, explore all of the other, out of line things that are possible in the big wide world.
posted by decathecting at 5:58 AM on September 10, 2010
You're 18 and have tons of time and flexibility and relatively few obligations. Go to India sooner rather than later. And, really, go anywhere and everywhere you can, and travel with an open heart.
It's natural, at this age and stage in your life, to go searching for a physical, cultural, or social place where you feel you belong. Given your background, you're probably feeling that pull more than most. Sometimes you'll discover the place that feels like home as soon as your plane lands, sometimes you don't realize it until after you leave. Sometimes the place you expect to belong isn't right for you at all, and it can be discouraging. If that's the case, keep going, and keep believing. The more faith you have in yourself to find your way, the more surely it'll happen.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:44 AM on September 10, 2010
It's natural, at this age and stage in your life, to go searching for a physical, cultural, or social place where you feel you belong. Given your background, you're probably feeling that pull more than most. Sometimes you'll discover the place that feels like home as soon as your plane lands, sometimes you don't realize it until after you leave. Sometimes the place you expect to belong isn't right for you at all, and it can be discouraging. If that's the case, keep going, and keep believing. The more faith you have in yourself to find your way, the more surely it'll happen.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:44 AM on September 10, 2010
If you do decide to go India, especially if you haven't be there before, my only advice ( speaking as an Indian) is that don't question things in the beginning. Let the whole Indian experience wash by you and then. You will be to handle it better. Let me put it this it's a hell of a lot easier to get used to the developed world than vice versa. And if you want to take it in stages, go visit mexico. I call it India lite :) It's just like India but less intense.
posted by dhruva at 6:53 AM on September 10, 2010
posted by dhruva at 6:53 AM on September 10, 2010
I want my children and my family to be in a place that I am truly proud to call home and be an active citizen of.
I feel like a broken record in these sorts of threads, but -- there is no reason you can't do this in America. (Not that you shouldn't look at India as well, but come aboard my train of thought ...)
Look, being a teenager is hard. Almost anywhere you're a teenager will be boring because you are cut out of the life of the community in important ways but you're starting to want to participate in a larger community. So understand that first, that wherever you're a teenager in a country with extended education is typically pretty dull for teenagers.
But the US isn't, as you know, a nation of golf-course gated communities. That's one choice, yes, but there are many others that have stronger senses of community. There are others that have needs.
My husband and I moved to a quiet mixed-class street in an urban neighborhood in an area that has seen better days. There is a gang of children that runs up and down the street hollering all day long. We can hear the kids outside at two school playgrounds from here, and the churchbells from several churches. We know all of our neighbors at least casually. We can walk to locally-owned restaurants with owners who've lived in the city for 60 years, and others owned by brand-new immigrants. And this city NEEDS us; it needs educated, committed people who are willing to work to make it a better place to live. I serve in local elected office, sit on a community board, and do extensive volunteer work, helping to establish a museum, building gardens with Girl Scouts, etc.; my husband is on the board of a charity, is president of our neighborhood association, founded a community garden. We actively, every day, help to make this community a better place in concrete ways. Many of our co-workers chose to move out into the golf-course communities around the city, with the matchy-matchy houses and the sterile outdoor life with no people in it, which I find as off-putting as you do. We chose differently. You can too ... even if you stay in America.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:54 AM on September 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
I feel like a broken record in these sorts of threads, but -- there is no reason you can't do this in America. (Not that you shouldn't look at India as well, but come aboard my train of thought ...)
Look, being a teenager is hard. Almost anywhere you're a teenager will be boring because you are cut out of the life of the community in important ways but you're starting to want to participate in a larger community. So understand that first, that wherever you're a teenager in a country with extended education is typically pretty dull for teenagers.
But the US isn't, as you know, a nation of golf-course gated communities. That's one choice, yes, but there are many others that have stronger senses of community. There are others that have needs.
My husband and I moved to a quiet mixed-class street in an urban neighborhood in an area that has seen better days. There is a gang of children that runs up and down the street hollering all day long. We can hear the kids outside at two school playgrounds from here, and the churchbells from several churches. We know all of our neighbors at least casually. We can walk to locally-owned restaurants with owners who've lived in the city for 60 years, and others owned by brand-new immigrants. And this city NEEDS us; it needs educated, committed people who are willing to work to make it a better place to live. I serve in local elected office, sit on a community board, and do extensive volunteer work, helping to establish a museum, building gardens with Girl Scouts, etc.; my husband is on the board of a charity, is president of our neighborhood association, founded a community garden. We actively, every day, help to make this community a better place in concrete ways. Many of our co-workers chose to move out into the golf-course communities around the city, with the matchy-matchy houses and the sterile outdoor life with no people in it, which I find as off-putting as you do. We chose differently. You can too ... even if you stay in America.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:54 AM on September 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
Stay your current path. Then. Do this. We all thank you.
posted by geekyguy at 7:07 AM on September 10, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by geekyguy at 7:07 AM on September 10, 2010 [4 favorites]
Brazilian here, grew up bouncing back and forth between the US and Brazil so I have shared loyalties and cultures.
For starters, it's NOT uncommon for an 18 year-old to never have fallen in love nor to be a virgin, although few admit it outside of church communities.
You are unhappy with your life and with society around you. Congratulations, that probably means you are a conscientious person now and hopefully you'll remain a conscientious person throughout your adult life. You are also not alone. There are plenty of people that share the same perspective as you (more on this later).
HOWEVER, you are idealizing India in a way that will probably disappoint you. Not that India would disappoint you (I've never been), but I'm sure that what it is and especially what you think you'll find are NOT the same thing. Plus, you can't just pick a location and say, "that's where I'll find my best friend, that's where I'll be _____." It just doesn't work that way. You'll carry with you the urge to change the world, to make your mark on society.
When I was 18-20 I was dying to pick up and leave, join the UN or some mission and go help some war-torn impoverished nation. But there was no way my parents were going to allow me to go anywhere dangerous (I'm female and a whimpy one at that) nor to take a year off school. The headache and heartbreak that I would have caused them was not worth the effort. Eventually I began volunteering at a child advocacy center. This lead me to many other volunteer experiences as well as save-the-world career choices during the next decade.
Do not, for one second, think that there are no saving-the-world opportunities in the US. You couldn't be more wrong. Furthermore, everyone wants to be that world leader, or the person who single-handedly talks some terrorist out of blowing up hundreds of people. But those people want that more out of an ego-inflator than truly wanting to help. Helping the world requires a whole lot of people doing a whole lot of unglamorous (but fulfilling!) work. Don't be the "sit on his/her butt and doesn't do anything but it would not be worthy of his time" type!
If you truly want to help society, begin immediately. Start volunteering somewhere (habitat for humanity, big brother big sister, etc), join some student organization at your university (oxfam, WWF, amnesty, etc), but get off your butt and go for it. You're a smart kid with time (or mental time) on your hands (yes, undergrads have a lot of time on their hands, no matter what the major or at what school).
Do not resent your parents for not singing the praises of India. They know it better than you. I too resent a lot of things from Brazil, because those are the things that drove me (and my family) away from the homeland to somewhere else. Plus, they live here now, it's in their best interest to see the good things about the US and remember what drove them away from home. It's not easy having to relocate to somewhere so different. The pain of homesickness will haunt them forever (no matter how hard they disguise it). Don't blame them for trying to make the most of their lives here.
Anywhere you go, you take yourself with you. Your insecurities, social anxieties, restlessness, etc, it all goes with you. Just because the stage is different doesn't mean that you will be different. Plus, you've been to India on vacation, right? If so, it would make sense that you'd like it so much: you're on vacation and can take a break from real life. It's a whole other story if you have to live there and have to deal with everyday stress.
Or instead of reading all of the above: makes changes in your life here and now so that you are happier here and now, instead of imagining a wonderful dream life elsewhere.
posted by Neekee at 7:33 AM on September 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
For starters, it's NOT uncommon for an 18 year-old to never have fallen in love nor to be a virgin, although few admit it outside of church communities.
You are unhappy with your life and with society around you. Congratulations, that probably means you are a conscientious person now and hopefully you'll remain a conscientious person throughout your adult life. You are also not alone. There are plenty of people that share the same perspective as you (more on this later).
HOWEVER, you are idealizing India in a way that will probably disappoint you. Not that India would disappoint you (I've never been), but I'm sure that what it is and especially what you think you'll find are NOT the same thing. Plus, you can't just pick a location and say, "that's where I'll find my best friend, that's where I'll be _____." It just doesn't work that way. You'll carry with you the urge to change the world, to make your mark on society.
When I was 18-20 I was dying to pick up and leave, join the UN or some mission and go help some war-torn impoverished nation. But there was no way my parents were going to allow me to go anywhere dangerous (I'm female and a whimpy one at that) nor to take a year off school. The headache and heartbreak that I would have caused them was not worth the effort. Eventually I began volunteering at a child advocacy center. This lead me to many other volunteer experiences as well as save-the-world career choices during the next decade.
Do not, for one second, think that there are no saving-the-world opportunities in the US. You couldn't be more wrong. Furthermore, everyone wants to be that world leader, or the person who single-handedly talks some terrorist out of blowing up hundreds of people. But those people want that more out of an ego-inflator than truly wanting to help. Helping the world requires a whole lot of people doing a whole lot of unglamorous (but fulfilling!) work. Don't be the "sit on his/her butt and doesn't do anything but it would not be worthy of his time" type!
If you truly want to help society, begin immediately. Start volunteering somewhere (habitat for humanity, big brother big sister, etc), join some student organization at your university (oxfam, WWF, amnesty, etc), but get off your butt and go for it. You're a smart kid with time (or mental time) on your hands (yes, undergrads have a lot of time on their hands, no matter what the major or at what school).
Do not resent your parents for not singing the praises of India. They know it better than you. I too resent a lot of things from Brazil, because those are the things that drove me (and my family) away from the homeland to somewhere else. Plus, they live here now, it's in their best interest to see the good things about the US and remember what drove them away from home. It's not easy having to relocate to somewhere so different. The pain of homesickness will haunt them forever (no matter how hard they disguise it). Don't blame them for trying to make the most of their lives here.
Anywhere you go, you take yourself with you. Your insecurities, social anxieties, restlessness, etc, it all goes with you. Just because the stage is different doesn't mean that you will be different. Plus, you've been to India on vacation, right? If so, it would make sense that you'd like it so much: you're on vacation and can take a break from real life. It's a whole other story if you have to live there and have to deal with everyday stress.
Or instead of reading all of the above: makes changes in your life here and now so that you are happier here and now, instead of imagining a wonderful dream life elsewhere.
posted by Neekee at 7:33 AM on September 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm twenty one and Indian-American.
Visit India but go without expectations. As an Indian-American, your experience will be different from that of an American or even an Indian. I feel more at-home in India than anywhere else, but there are also times there when I feel like an alien. It's a mixed bag.
Don't feel as though you have to choose between India and America. One time I was fifteen and at the airport in Chennai, and the immigrations officer asked me, "Which is your favorite: India or the US?"
I spent like two or three minutes rambling about how Indian culture is a huge part of me but how the American higher education system is much better in some respects, but at the same time I really like eating mangos and… I think he just wanted to hear "I love India!" and check my passport.
At least for me, my relationship with the parents changed significantly once I left for college. It's become much easier to talk to them about these issues, and I no longer feel defensive that they're trying to impose their cultural views on me. Since you're on good terms with your parents, maybe ask them about your family's history. It changed the way I look at things.
Good luck. I think you will look at this post in a couple years and realize how much you've grown.
posted by yaymukund at 7:42 AM on September 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Visit India but go without expectations. As an Indian-American, your experience will be different from that of an American or even an Indian. I feel more at-home in India than anywhere else, but there are also times there when I feel like an alien. It's a mixed bag.
Don't feel as though you have to choose between India and America. One time I was fifteen and at the airport in Chennai, and the immigrations officer asked me, "Which is your favorite: India or the US?"
I spent like two or three minutes rambling about how Indian culture is a huge part of me but how the American higher education system is much better in some respects, but at the same time I really like eating mangos and… I think he just wanted to hear "I love India!" and check my passport.
At least for me, my relationship with the parents changed significantly once I left for college. It's become much easier to talk to them about these issues, and I no longer feel defensive that they're trying to impose their cultural views on me. Since you're on good terms with your parents, maybe ask them about your family's history. It changed the way I look at things.
Good luck. I think you will look at this post in a couple years and realize how much you've grown.
posted by yaymukund at 7:42 AM on September 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, and do a full year study abroad. It'll be one of the most amazing experiences of your life and it'll look FANTASTIC on a resume!
posted by Neekee at 7:48 AM on September 10, 2010
posted by Neekee at 7:48 AM on September 10, 2010
Whatever you do please keep writing! You are a gifted writer.
posted by mareli at 8:25 AM on September 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by mareli at 8:25 AM on September 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm a graduate student specializing in South Asian (Hindi) literature, so while I don't have any South Asian background personally, I know many people who do as both colleagues and students, and who have some of the same feelings you're having.
All of the advice people are giving you here is good, and you should definitely find a way to go to India through a study abroad program or non-profit work. My only additional suggestions are 1) that you make the effort to learn a certain amount of an Indian language if you're not fluent in one already (I'm biased to Hindi, of course, because it's so widely spoken and practical, but it all depends on where you want to be); and 2) that you find a way to have an experience that's not connected with your family there. Doing these two things will help you to develop your own, personal relationship to the country, separate from all of the stereotypes (positive and negative, first generation and immigrant generation, hippies and yuppies) that are out there right now.
When I was an undergrad I wanted to jump right over and open up a school in the Himalayas. Now I'll be happy if I can just help people talk to each other a little bit. YMMV.
posted by goodglovin77 at 9:19 AM on September 10, 2010
All of the advice people are giving you here is good, and you should definitely find a way to go to India through a study abroad program or non-profit work. My only additional suggestions are 1) that you make the effort to learn a certain amount of an Indian language if you're not fluent in one already (I'm biased to Hindi, of course, because it's so widely spoken and practical, but it all depends on where you want to be); and 2) that you find a way to have an experience that's not connected with your family there. Doing these two things will help you to develop your own, personal relationship to the country, separate from all of the stereotypes (positive and negative, first generation and immigrant generation, hippies and yuppies) that are out there right now.
When I was an undergrad I wanted to jump right over and open up a school in the Himalayas. Now I'll be happy if I can just help people talk to each other a little bit. YMMV.
posted by goodglovin77 at 9:19 AM on September 10, 2010
This is a really interesting question for me personally because I'm a
24 year old Indian girl who moved from India to the US three years ago
for graduate school. After reading your question the main point that
I'd like to reiterate is that there are really no guarantees about
what your family or culture will be like whether you grow up in the US
or India. Bollywood movies and the US media tend to paint this picture
of India full of arranged marriages, joint families and many, many
children, but things are very different on the ground, especially in
families whose financial circumstances are similar to yours, and for
good reason.
Many of the problems you describe are the universal pangs of growing up, and not particularly unique to your background. I felt the same things you felt about living a sterile life three years ago, when I was living in India. I went to college near where I lived, so I lived with my parents all through undergrad. My parents doted on me (and still do) but it was an extremely sheltered upbringing, with drivers to take me from place to place and a social circle that was mostly my parents'. I was definitely still a virgin at 18 and had got together with my first boyfriend only the year before. Finding best friends is no easier in India. There are no guarantees of gangs of siblings, cousins and neighbors. I am an only child and only have four first cousins, three of whom live in New Zealand. I do have extended family that lives a bit like this -- my grandmother's brother had ten children and they tend to maintain an extremely close-knit family circle. But I think you'll find the reality of what this means to be quite different from what you imagine -- often it means a lot of hard behind-the-scenes labor from women and servants that you might be uncomfortable perpetuating.
You might really benefit from a trip to India. I think you might find that you're more "American" than you think (both the US and India are really big places, so the usual caveats about generalizing apply). I thought I was about as Westernized as you can get growing up in India but there are plenty of times in the US when I realize my "Indianness." Today, for example, I was thinking about how strange the US way of eating food at the desk is -- I'm definitely more used to lunch being a fairly important event in the day, with people leaving their desks and going somewhere specific to eat it.
Finally, I empathize with your feeling that life is just going so smoothly and the need to shake things up. I've always been like that too, in the sense that I grew up well-off and smart enough to never have problems academically, so it seems like the path to what I wanted to do was well laid out and easy. Think carefully about what you really want to do. Sometimes when things that other people want come so easily to you, you might not realize that you don't really want that thing. Give yourself a chance to fail.
posted by peacheater at 12:01 PM on September 10, 2010 [4 favorites]
Many of the problems you describe are the universal pangs of growing up, and not particularly unique to your background. I felt the same things you felt about living a sterile life three years ago, when I was living in India. I went to college near where I lived, so I lived with my parents all through undergrad. My parents doted on me (and still do) but it was an extremely sheltered upbringing, with drivers to take me from place to place and a social circle that was mostly my parents'. I was definitely still a virgin at 18 and had got together with my first boyfriend only the year before. Finding best friends is no easier in India. There are no guarantees of gangs of siblings, cousins and neighbors. I am an only child and only have four first cousins, three of whom live in New Zealand. I do have extended family that lives a bit like this -- my grandmother's brother had ten children and they tend to maintain an extremely close-knit family circle. But I think you'll find the reality of what this means to be quite different from what you imagine -- often it means a lot of hard behind-the-scenes labor from women and servants that you might be uncomfortable perpetuating.
You might really benefit from a trip to India. I think you might find that you're more "American" than you think (both the US and India are really big places, so the usual caveats about generalizing apply). I thought I was about as Westernized as you can get growing up in India but there are plenty of times in the US when I realize my "Indianness." Today, for example, I was thinking about how strange the US way of eating food at the desk is -- I'm definitely more used to lunch being a fairly important event in the day, with people leaving their desks and going somewhere specific to eat it.
Finally, I empathize with your feeling that life is just going so smoothly and the need to shake things up. I've always been like that too, in the sense that I grew up well-off and smart enough to never have problems academically, so it seems like the path to what I wanted to do was well laid out and easy. Think carefully about what you really want to do. Sometimes when things that other people want come so easily to you, you might not realize that you don't really want that thing. Give yourself a chance to fail.
posted by peacheater at 12:01 PM on September 10, 2010 [4 favorites]
I think your plans sound amazing! What great opportunities to learn and explore and do something that is meaningful to you and others.
I think pursuing those dreams (don't let go of them!) while fleshing them out will be good. If you just keep going on your present direction, learning and living and also loving India, this will happen automatically. Also take those amazing, inspiring thoughts, and follow them with, "How would I do this? How would it look?" Would you have to learn Hindi, develop connections with activists in India, continue to invest in skills now and get a job making a lot of money that you can use to fund philanthropic activities overseas? The world may not be as black and white as it seems now, but the gray is beautiful and resolves a lot of this tension. For example...
Why do you have to pick India OR America? There are schools that will teach you to be a doctor in both India and America, and you can apply that knowledge in India and America. You think that maybe I can be one of the leaders of India in the 21st century. I tell myself that this is wishful thinking--that a change of circumstances won't solve my disappointment, and that being an American is still a great privilege. Both are true. You could be one of the leaders of India in the 21st century, and being an American is a great privilege.
But what, exactly, do you propose to do in India? How would your goals be achieved? Would you be working in business, medicine, or politics (that might be hard if you don't have an in already)? You don't have to pick only one thing or stick with it forever. But these are the guiding questions to ask now, both in order to satisfy your desire to be doing something and engaging something meaningful, feeling that you are moving forward, and also to actually do that -- to be effective.
But I am jealous of a kind of society where kids grow up with a gang of siblings, cousins and neighbors, not on an eerily quiet suburb with golf, twisted notions of 'personal space', and newspapers that mention the latest "free random event in the park". I want my children and my family to be in a place that I am truly proud to call home and be an active citizen of. Family connections that sustain and support can also limit what you would like to do, as your actions affect everyone and you are responsible for more than just yourself; literally not having personal space can be disquieting; in what ways can you be a more active citizen in India, and would you be proud of [insert statistics about poverty and apathy]? Finally, parts of India are modernizing in ways you might not find appealing.
On the other hand, you might love the noise, closeness, mutual dependence, culture, freedom (different kinds of freedom), lack of affect, identity rooted in centuries of history and religion, love of democracy, and respect for many ways of coexisting that are present in some parts of India. Every country has its good and bad points. Globally, living in cities vs villages vs suburbs (there are places like suburbs in India, where people live in nuclear family units and commute to work and school) has its good and bad points. Going to India would be great, as would connecting with Indian culture while in the US. Keep pursuing these desires and dreams, even if it seems like the shape of your dream doesn't fit into anything the world has to offer. Keep moving forward with integrity and I think you will be okay. And if you love India, you love India, and you should be there forever. Easy answer. :)
I just think that perhaps I can contribute better to these ideals (freedom, democracy, transparency) in a developing nation that I feel a cultural and sacred connection to. What do you need to learn in order to do this effectively?
And, yes, definitely do go.
posted by ramenopres at 9:04 AM on September 11, 2010
I think pursuing those dreams (don't let go of them!) while fleshing them out will be good. If you just keep going on your present direction, learning and living and also loving India, this will happen automatically. Also take those amazing, inspiring thoughts, and follow them with, "How would I do this? How would it look?" Would you have to learn Hindi, develop connections with activists in India, continue to invest in skills now and get a job making a lot of money that you can use to fund philanthropic activities overseas? The world may not be as black and white as it seems now, but the gray is beautiful and resolves a lot of this tension. For example...
Why do you have to pick India OR America? There are schools that will teach you to be a doctor in both India and America, and you can apply that knowledge in India and America. You think that maybe I can be one of the leaders of India in the 21st century. I tell myself that this is wishful thinking--that a change of circumstances won't solve my disappointment, and that being an American is still a great privilege. Both are true. You could be one of the leaders of India in the 21st century, and being an American is a great privilege.
But what, exactly, do you propose to do in India? How would your goals be achieved? Would you be working in business, medicine, or politics (that might be hard if you don't have an in already)? You don't have to pick only one thing or stick with it forever. But these are the guiding questions to ask now, both in order to satisfy your desire to be doing something and engaging something meaningful, feeling that you are moving forward, and also to actually do that -- to be effective.
But I am jealous of a kind of society where kids grow up with a gang of siblings, cousins and neighbors, not on an eerily quiet suburb with golf, twisted notions of 'personal space', and newspapers that mention the latest "free random event in the park". I want my children and my family to be in a place that I am truly proud to call home and be an active citizen of. Family connections that sustain and support can also limit what you would like to do, as your actions affect everyone and you are responsible for more than just yourself; literally not having personal space can be disquieting; in what ways can you be a more active citizen in India, and would you be proud of [insert statistics about poverty and apathy]? Finally, parts of India are modernizing in ways you might not find appealing.
On the other hand, you might love the noise, closeness, mutual dependence, culture, freedom (different kinds of freedom), lack of affect, identity rooted in centuries of history and religion, love of democracy, and respect for many ways of coexisting that are present in some parts of India. Every country has its good and bad points. Globally, living in cities vs villages vs suburbs (there are places like suburbs in India, where people live in nuclear family units and commute to work and school) has its good and bad points. Going to India would be great, as would connecting with Indian culture while in the US. Keep pursuing these desires and dreams, even if it seems like the shape of your dream doesn't fit into anything the world has to offer. Keep moving forward with integrity and I think you will be okay. And if you love India, you love India, and you should be there forever. Easy answer. :)
I just think that perhaps I can contribute better to these ideals (freedom, democracy, transparency) in a developing nation that I feel a cultural and sacred connection to. What do you need to learn in order to do this effectively?
And, yes, definitely do go.
posted by ramenopres at 9:04 AM on September 11, 2010
Internships at Appropedia.org
Job/internship listings at nextbillion.net
BarefootCollege.org
your favourite ashram, NGO or family trust orphanage
~ a bit of looking at the extreme other side of being Indian helps gain perspective and some balance, will help tremendously. keep a blog while you do it.
posted by The Lady is a designer at 2:15 PM on September 11, 2010
Job/internship listings at nextbillion.net
BarefootCollege.org
your favourite ashram, NGO or family trust orphanage
~ a bit of looking at the extreme other side of being Indian helps gain perspective and some balance, will help tremendously. keep a blog while you do it.
posted by The Lady is a designer at 2:15 PM on September 11, 2010
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There's not much more to it than that. But if you have wealthy parents and go to a great school milk it for all it's worth.
posted by dfriedman at 8:56 PM on September 9, 2010 [10 favorites]