How to really get over a stupid text break up closure with a Flake? Still Mentally trapped and connected with this person because of that text please Help.
September 6, 2010 10:27 AM   Subscribe

How to really get over a stupid text break up closure with a Flake? Still Mentally trapped and connected with this person because of that text. Help.



I am terribly stugggling to get over a break up because of the last text I sent the last day I saw the guy who emotionally abused me , stood me up, rejected me, ignored me , played with my mind counteless times along and aven more towards the end of the relationship.

I had a few good answers to my last question related to the incident about people telling me not to send another text or contact him any more trying to fix the text ending , ( read below my last question) but after 10 days of NC I feel I can't get over the frustration I feel of not having ended things properly with this asshole..

I'd like to have different opinons /examples and perspectives about sending another text to him to stop my frustration.

Firsty, I feel I let him get away thinking he is a great person as for my stupid last text , secondly I can't get over the fact that he treated me so badly and all I did was being nice and loving to him, the last day I returned his stuff.

How can I let this go this frustation when all I feel now is remorse of not expressing to him how bad his behaviour was, and eventough people has said to me not to think of what he thinks it is impossible for me to do it because that last text is like a ghost which I know will follow me for ever as it was the last thing I said and the last thing he will remember of me!!

How can I fix this please? please give me some different perspectives of different scenaries of what would happen were I could see the reality if I sent another text saying what I really feel.

I know already that contact him again would be to go back to day 1 of NC

I know he doesn't give a shit about me or what I could send him but I do, and that's what doesn't let me to move on.
I have written letters of anger and destoyed them as someone suggested.

I have tried almost everything..But all of this seems not to work I am still obssesed with the text I sent , it is playing over and over in my mind making me regret every single second having let the doors open to him and WORSE showed him I didn't care after being SO emotionally damaged!!!! as for the F**it, ( his name) we will make it work, some time but we will. X

Please HELP!!!!!!

My previous question:

I stupidly sent a text to the person who has broken my heart counteles times in the past 2 months ignoring my calls, playing with my mind , giving me mixed signals about getting back together but then doesn't support his words with actions.
I am getting mad with the suffering caused by his unreliant and cruel behaviour.

I decided finally last week to return his stuff and at the meeting he said he didn't came to the meeting to 'end things', finally he took his stuff and when I asked if we werent going to end things so how then we coud make things better, he replyed I don't know but we WILL and then he left.

Ovbiously, his statment confused me and made me feel hopeful about the relationship AGAIN, then that night after I left had a couple of drinks and STUPIDLY sent him a text saying:

' F**it, ( his name) we will make it work, some time but we will. X

My intention was truly to move on when returning his stuff, but after I sent that text ,I have been cought in feelings of despair, and frustation as I know that I don't mean anything to him and he actually may be seeing someone else. That's why his akward and inconsitent behaviour.

My question is , how can I fix that text? should I sent another one saying something diferent so I can regain some respect for myself after being treated like dirt for so long? what could I write instead?

If I leave it like this, I feel It would be harder to move on because I feel he may be thinking oh, that poor stupid who I treated like shit is of course waiting for me to get back whenever I want, so cool, I just keep doing my thing and whenever I feel like I just call her and she'll be waiting.

I don't know what to do!! I can't stop thinking about it, I want to feel respected and having sent that loving /stupid text at the end is killing me , and the fact that the text shows no dignity at all for myself after being treated like dirt is making me feel worse.

Should I send another text? should I leave it like this? if so, please help me to see this situation to get a different perspective, or help me to word a text/ email which I could send to him to give me a real closure and relief and be able to move on.

Please help.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (42 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Don't send another text. Just move on and learn from your mistake. Sending another text is just going to re-start the drama. You think it will fix things but it won't. He doesn't care and anything you do just makes him think you're even sillier.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 10:35 AM on September 6, 2010


You should absolutely not send another text. He expressed his boundaries to you by breaking up with you the last time he texted. Even if he's a total tool, it would be disrespectful to him (and, more importantly, to you!) to keep engaging this. Do something else to distract you. Hang out with your friends. Delete his number from your phone.

Realize that there are people out there for you who don't treat you like shit. We all make mistakes- there's nothing you can do about it now, and worrying about it is completely unproductive. Cut your losses and move on.
posted by emilyd22222 at 10:35 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


*the last time you texted
posted by emilyd22222 at 10:36 AM on September 6, 2010


So you sent a message saying "we will make it work". If your former boyfriend decides to take you up on the offer and makes an attempt at making it work, that would be the right time to tell him "no, we are not going to make it work, it can't work, and I retract my previous suggestion that we could make it work. I do not want to have anything more to do with you." If, however, you never hear from him again, then there is no further reason to communicate with him. From your description he sounds like a narcissistic individual, and people of that sort never really understand anyone other than the one person that they actually care about, which is themselves. You are not happy that he has the impression that you do not understand how you have been abused by him, and he is therefore completely victorious, but really, you cannot control what he thinks. Unreasonable people are going to think unreasonable things, no matter how well you explain things to them. It is futile to attempt it.

There are lots of people in this world who are unpleasant, narcissistic, or crazy in a variety of ways. The only happy aspect of this situation is that they very often wind up causing trouble for each other. Let other people have the honor of doing battle with your ex-boyfriend. It's bound to happen, because people of his sort are always in conflict with other people. As for yourself, get on with your life. We all get to make a certain number of mistakes in our lives, and we should not let that stop us from doing better in the future.
posted by grizzled at 10:39 AM on September 6, 2010 [5 favorites]


There is nothing you can say, in any communication that you initiate with him, that will get across anything other than the fact that he still has power over you. If you want to say to him, 'hey ex-boyfriend, I still crave your love and approval even after all you've done,' then by all means send another text. If you don't want to tell him that, then hold fast to the no-contact.

You don't need to "fix" this; you just need to stop obsessing over this. Find something else to devote your attention to.
posted by jon1270 at 10:40 AM on September 6, 2010 [3 favorites]


Don't text him.

Chances are he has moved on. A strange message out of the blue from you is going to do nothing but make you look bad. Remind yourself that this person is likely out there living, meeting new people and taking on new projects while you sit obsessing over a text message. Use that as a spur to go and fill your life with new things that will take your mind off this nonsense.
posted by fire&wings at 10:46 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


Just a suggestion: stop texting altogether for awhile. Not him, not anyone. Don't leave yourself open to making a mistake on impulse. Give yourself sometime to get over this.
posted by SPrintF at 10:53 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


You actually extended an invitation to make it work and he ignored it or at least didn't reply to it. Any text you send now is just going to be seen as a bitter woman scorned. The best solution is to stop caring what he thinks of you.

Recognise that you're obsessed now but with the passage of time it won't matter at all. Do I care that my highschool boyfriend publically dumped me and slept with my best friend? Do I care that my college boyfriend broke up with me by phone and told me never to contact him again? Do I care that I threw up on a post college date who presumably still thinks I'm an idiot with a drinking problem?

No I do not. Because those people are no longer the centre of my universe; they are in fact so far out on the periphery as to not matter at all. Their opinions count for quite literally nothing.

That is what you are aiming for here.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:00 AM on September 6, 2010 [13 favorites]


You say you want closure but it sounds like you want revenge--to feel power over your ex for all the pain he caused you. Rightly so; he seems to have hurt you deeply, but I don't think it's a good idea to send another text to this guy. He seems to have a lot of control over your feelings and getting back involved with him would just send you on another emotional ride. It would feed into the cycle, which ultimately gives him power.

In this situation, I think you should drop it--drop the text, drop the past, and surround yourself with new people and new activities. Focus on yourself, write out a list of things you've always wanted to do and go do some of them. Getting involved with other things will help you take your mind off of him, will improve you as a person, and will make his presence seem farther in the past since you've filled up your months doing so many other things and meeting so many other people. Who knows, maybe you'll meet a new romantic interest. Or maybe not, since that's not the point--the point is to focus on yourself and to build up your relationship with yourself, in a way.

When you bump into this guy again, hopefully you will be building your own life and this guy won't seem so desirable anymore. Or maybe he'll still be desirable, I don't know, but you'll be a different, more independent, centered, and self-possessed person and he'll have to either shape up to be with you (which means treat you with more respect and reverence) or be left behind. I guess what I'm saying is--think long-term strategy and don't let your immediate feelings overwhelm you into unwise action. That's letting your emotions trap you. Don't do it.
posted by melancholyplay at 11:00 AM on September 6, 2010


Erich Fromm once wrote a book called The Escape From Freedom. Long story short, his theory is that humans prefer slavery to freedom as slaves don't have to take responsibility for their lives and make choices.

I would say that after ending things with him, you are now facing the emptiness of your life, and that's scary. So you're doing what lots of people do - find something meaningless things to obsess about rather than face the opportunity this affords you to create a life with meaning and purpose.

Ask yourself what would you be doing if this thing with this guy was well and truly over. If you come up with something (help kids, travel, learn to cook, whatever), do THAT, or take steps toward it. If you don't come up with something, get some help in figuring out what's important to you, then work toward that.

But don't fill your life with an empty goal of figuring out what the perfect text is to re-involve yourself with this guy. You already know in your heart that it's meaningless and will lead nowhere.
posted by jasper411 at 11:04 AM on September 6, 2010 [3 favorites]


Don't do it. You just have to get over it. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's true.

When I was trying to break up with an ex who continued to text me, my girlfriends would take the phone away from me and delete the text unread. It SUCKED. The only way for this to actually work is to hold strong and not do it.
posted by micawber at 11:06 AM on September 6, 2010


By expending this much energy on him you're letting him live rent-free in your head. Evict him by ignoring him.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:10 AM on September 6, 2010 [6 favorites]


I feel I let him get away thinking he is a great person as for my stupid last text

He knows he's not a great person. No amount of you being nice to him could do that.

This is about you, not him. You need to feel sad and hurt and accept these feelings. Don't waste another minute on him.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:10 AM on September 6, 2010


You know honestly, do whatever you want. I will say, however, from experience, that you're probably going to hate yourself if you try to clear this up with further communication. I call this the "if we could only have one more conversation, then I would feel all right" phenomenon.

I've been in your shoes. "This person was awful to me and I'm hooked. I made myself vulnerable and now I feel humiliated." You really should stay out of contact and look at your part in this situation. I promise you, things will get easier and it's worth it. It's called character building. For example:

secondly I can't get over the fact that he treated me so badly and all I did was being nice and loving to him

Just because you are nice and loving to people does not mean they are going to return you the favor. Sorry, it's true. You are sitting around pounding your fists on the table, using that big brain of yours - and the universe is telling you this guy is not right for you.

I was also in a relationship and things did not work out, and the person broke up with me, and I felt this deep-seated urge to check in with this person. It was really fucked up and self-destructive. It killed my self-esteem. I had to "clear things up" with this person in order to feel okay about myself. I honestly believed this for a very long time. That if I was accepted by someone else, then I was okay.

The problem was that I was deathly afraid of accepting myself.

I heard this great phrase once: I say I love you, but what I really mean is please love me. Think about that. I hope it helps.

If you want some new perspective: since when was dating supposed to be easy. If you fail, are you just going to give up? What if there's something even better out there waiting for you? Don't hesitate to be optimistic about what the future holds for you.
posted by phaedon at 11:20 AM on September 6, 2010 [13 favorites]


And can I speak for the older generation when I suggest that you not conduct breakups via text? The voice communicates about 10000% more information than a text ever could, and you get immediately feedback from the tone of the other person's voice.
posted by musofire at 11:26 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


Walk away and do nothing. It's going to take you more than 10 days to feel better about it.

I know myself how hard it is to leave something alone, but if you don't, you'll just make things worse.

Please do not learn this by experience. Please, instead, look back 10 months from now and say to yourself, "Thank God I kept my mouth shut 10 months ago. If I'd said anything, it would have made things so much worse."

Don't ask me how I know this.
posted by tel3path at 11:54 AM on September 6, 2010


Yes, text is a horrible way to communicate anything of importance.

I learned the hard way (by doing what you did, but through voicemails and emails that went unanswered) that the only closure you are going to get is by NOT contacting the person ever again. That, and time. Otherwise, you are giving that person all the power.

What I repeated to myself was, "OK, this guy is treating me like dirt NOW. Why should I have any reason to think that things will magically turn around 180 degrees and I'll get treated with respect?" You already have regret for wasting time with this guy and letting him into your life. Don't waste any more by ruminating over him. Redirect your energy somewhere else, toward enjoying your own company, toward other people, and other activities that you enjoy.
posted by medeine at 11:58 AM on September 6, 2010


Pretend that he has been abducted by aliens, and is now living on Jupiter where you can never contact him again. So you just have to think: "Oh well. It's impossible to ever contact him again. I have to just give up wishing that I could contact him, because I can't. He's gone, out of my world forever."

You'll just have to deal with your feelings and your "what-if" scenarios by yourself, or by talking to your real friends, since contacting him is not an option. That guy is gone. Gone, done, not on your earth anymore.

(It might be useful to see a therapist/counselor to help you think about these patterns you have had of dating men who are inconsiderate, manipulative, mean to you. There is no reason to waste your time dating these guys, they are jerks! You can do better; maybe therapy or a counselor can help you with this.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:06 PM on September 6, 2010


Take responsibility for your part in all this if you really really really can't stop thinking about it.

The way you describe it now is that he hurt you. The other side of that TRUTH is that you kept going back for more. And more. Even though you had tasted his poison. It's easy to prove you used him and his proven track record of cruelty to hurt yourself by proxy.

See, you keep giving him the power by taking on the mantle of victimhood here. No wonder you can't get over it!

Put the power back in your hands. Acknowledge that after the first or second chance you gave him with the same result (pain!) you then give him a hundred more chances... and he took every one. YOU DID THAT TO YOURSELF. He was just a prop. In this way, you used him. I guess that is why people like this guy exist in the world... First they are torture devices, and then (if we're lucky) we recognize the dynamic we facilitated and they are truly teaching devices!

Instead of clinging to, "He's a jerk! He hurt me!" (which is getting you nowhere) I suggest you internalize the bigger message regarding your part in all this.

You used this guy to treat yourself poorly. WHY?

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 12:35 PM on September 6, 2010 [7 favorites]


I completely understand this feeling you're having, that you left the door open and that therefore you're vulnerable. When you contacted him, you essentially gave him an invitation to respond, and so there you sit, waiting for him to again toy with your emotions or do something hateful and mean. I don't know what's worse, the expectation that at any moment, this guy could decide to walk back into your life again and hurt you more, or feeling ignored because you sit there waiting and expecting this to happen while he does nothing.

There are two ways to go here. First, you can send him another text. The thing is, no matter what words you use, this step keeps you in the same basic spot that you're in right now. Even if all you want to do is yell, "hey, I'm closing this door!" you still open the door again while you're doing it, and you draw his attention to the door. It is very hard to contact someone without feeling more vulnerable to them. But you could try. You could say something like "I just wanted to let you know that I've decided to move on and think it's best if we have no further contact." But think about this very, very seriously: how will you feel in the minutes after you send that text? Pretend you just hit send. How do you feel? Me, I would feel vulnerable. And expectant. I'd sit there thinking: "Did he get it? Is he going to respond? Is he going to accept that we not have any contact? What if he just says something mean like 'no duh' or 'as if I'd contact you anyway'? Did he even read it? What if he's already blocked my texts? What if he's on vacation and doesn't get it until next week and responds then?" For about a week, I would feel like my life was in limbo. I would be constantly thinking about him while I waited to see what would happen, and that would not feel good.

A second alternative is to protect yourself really well. It sounds strange, but often when I'm continuing arguments with someone in my head, what works best is to tell myself "you never have to talk to them again." It's contradictory because it feels like I want to contact them to win the argument, but really, I only want to win because I want to feel protected from being hurt. Trying to get this protection by talking to him is not a good approach, because it implicitly admits that you can only protect yourself by getting him to accept that he cannot contact you, and then what happens if he won't accept it? You're still putting the power in his hands. Meanwhile, in reality, there are easier ways to protect yourself that are more certain to succeed. You could block all calls and texts from him automatically. You could filter his emails straight to deletion. You can block him on facebook and tell yourself you'd ignore him if he ever showed up in person. You can completely protect yourself from ever having to care what he thinks again. That feels powerful. And then, your life would be this nice, cool space where you can know that he will never pop up while you're in the midst of healing from everything you went through. How relaxing that would be. If you want, you can do first #1 (the text) and then #2 (preventing contact), but you could also skip straight to #2, because what is most important here is that you no longer feel like this person has any ability to cause you pain or disrupt your life. Taking the power to protect yourself into your own hands is the most likely to succeed and the most empowering approach overall. I bet that in the minutes after you finally block all avenues to his contact, you will feel much better than you would after sending any text message.

Best of luck finding some peace here.
posted by salvia at 12:40 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


If you want to stop being a victim, you need to stop acting and thinking like one. Your entire post is about what he did to you, and he makes you feel and what you want him to do now.

What are you going to do? Are you going to get over a bad relationship, or are you going to wallow? Are you going to turn a jerk treating you poorly into abuse from which you think you can't recover, or are you going to learn from this and move on?

Even if he came to you, got on his knees and apologized for everything he did, you would be no better off, because you treat life as external forces acting upon you. You need to start being a force in your own life.
posted by spaltavian at 12:49 PM on September 6, 2010


Why do you still have his number on your phone?

He treated you like shit! Delete his number, delete his email, ceremonially rid yourself of the negativity he brought into your life and do a little happy dance that you're free!

You dodged a bullet. Quit trying to find ways to put yourself back in the line of fire.
posted by Space Kitty at 1:28 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


I disagree with everyone else, I think you should go ahead and text him and say everything you want to say to him. Maybe I'm the only person here who feels this way, but I get to a point sometimes where I think that something really needs to be said, and it will eat at me until I say it. And then once I do, I can let it go immediately and feel relief. But before then, no amount of staying busy, being zen, doing yoga, etc. will do anything.

Two things: don't do it if you're hoping for a particular reaction from him, and don't do it unless it's going to be the last thing you say to him. Trying to elicit a certain reaction from someone/control their reactions will make you go nuts and puts them in control over how you feel. And of course, if he replies and you reply again, you'll be getting sucked back into that drama loop that upset you so much in the first place. If you say whatever you have to say, make sure you block him in every way after that.

It sounds to me like you just really didn't stand up for yourself at all when you were dealing with him. I don't think there's a thing wrong with standing up for yourself now. Maybe it will be the first step for you towards being more comfortable with standing up for yourself *during* a relationship.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:44 PM on September 6, 2010


You're not the only one, Ashley801. I'm with you, or at least, I don't think it really matters either way. I think the main thing is permanently shutting down contact (after sending one last text, if need be).
posted by salvia at 2:12 PM on September 6, 2010


Sensible and great answers so far, thank you I am getting different perspectives and it is all what my mind needs to understand what I am going through.

You describing different scenaries and outcomes is making my mind work and is pshicologically helping me.

I think my mind is stuck mainly with the fact of not having stood up and express my frustation and hurt at the end so it is greatly conflicting now with the way that I and he will remember this relationship because of the wording of the last text I sent.

I agree with the comments about not sending anything paradoxically also with the ones about sending and expressing everything.

But if any of you could makeup psicological scenaries for me which I could put in my mind and use as core believes to help me to move on without sending any other text would be so much appreciated, there are some above already very good.

This are some of my main concerns /repetitive toughts that eventough arent rational are kiling me:

1- He will say to any other person he meets or will meet, oh yes my ex was a crazy needy woman who I had to rid off and she still is in hope I will get back to her , but I haven't contact her and I never will, poor silly woman , she had not selfsteem.

2- I am thinking that he still has got power over me and forever he will have it as he had the last word ignoring me at last after my stupid text.

3- I feel devastated about the fact that I did not expressed my anger/hurt to this jerck ,, instead I fooled myself the last day thinking that it was better to be polite and kind and loving so leaving the relationship with style would make me feel better but sadly the opposite happened! the frustration, anger and resentment I've feel now is INMENSE what could I think to relieve myself of this feeling?
Did I did the right thing of being quite and polite and not having critizised him about his cruel and horrorific behaviour , what long term benefits will I have thanks to my stupidity?

4- He won't contact me I am 100% sure of it. How can sheer myself up when deppresed abou thinking that I am an stupid, wit not respect for myself watsoever who after being treated like shit, ( as he knows he did ) I still asked him for more with the last text?


Tthank you for your support so far , I am really stuggling with all of this hugelly.. and your opinions are trully saving my physical and mental sanity. Please by all means keep writing and giving me more insight /opinions. All your comments are drawing making a new map of emotions in my mind. I'll keep reading.

x
posted by zulo at 3:12 PM on September 6, 2010


I think the main problem with the "one last thing and then I'm done" emails is that it's really hard to write them well: it's hard not to sound long winded, or ranty, or bitchy, and while most people say they don't care if or how the other person responds, often, they really, really do care.


So if you're going to do it, two things:

1. Take your time in writing it - if it takes a month, it takes a month - and make sure that you are saying everything you need to say, how you want to say it.

2. Just be clear that you have to be okay with however he responds or doesn't respond to the letter. You can always hope that he sees your honesty and pain and it a way, it connects with him, if not today, then in the future. But that response can also be everything from total silence (and you put your heart into that letter!), to a one worded text response, like "Bitch", to a put-you-business-on-blast 'look facebook friends, at what my crazy ex-girlfiend zuonline wrote me. HAHAHAHAHA' response. And since you said you weren't going to respond, it might be just as hard not respond and to get whatever closure you need then as well.

But that said, if you got to write it, you've got to write it, so I say write it, but hold off on sending it for about a week. It will still be true a week later, and you can decide if it's what you want to do.
posted by anitanita at 3:19 PM on September 6, 2010


In response to your follow up, I think a way to reflect on this is to see that you - like most gals I know, myself included - tried a strategy about how you want to be in the world and how you want to treat people.

You would like to be treated well. You tried the 'make no waves, and he'll value me as he sees how well I treat him' strategy. Shorthand, you can just call it 'appeasement'. Most people try some variation of this one way or another at some point in their dating lives. You played that strategy all the way out to the end, trying different variations to see if you'd get a positive outcome. Very scientific. You now see the outcome: He still treated you poorly, and you didn't get to be yourself. You feel like crap in a basket. Ugh. So you now see that that strategy fails. It pretty much always does.

But what makes the difference is what you learn from that data. Some people come to the wrong conclusion. The lesson is that appeasement is usually an unsuccessful long term strategy in any relationship, is incredibly degrading and frustrating, and one should rarely ever, ever employ it.

Instead, people feel they've learned this lesson: I'm not worthy, no one will love me, I am an embarrassing failure. The self esteem takes a hit, and they find another person who fulfills their crappy opinion of themselves. Cue downward spiral.

But in this moment, I think you're at that cross roads. You have a moment of clarifying pain and you have to make a choice about what lesson you are going to learn from this. Say you're 30. Say you decide to take from this that you are going to try a new strategy: to express yourself, insist that you are treated well, and walk away when someone doesn't treat you well. The shorthand for this strategy is 'authenticity'. Say you live to 100. That means you have 70 years of righteous loving ahead of you. Such a long time!

The wonderful thing is that next time you feel someone is treating you like your opinion or feelings don't matter, you won't have to wonder... 'Maybe I wasn't clear. Maybe he's having a bad day. Maybe if I was nicer, more considerate, but he's soooo hot and all my friends like him, maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of this, etc.'.

You know now that anytime you try to diminish yourself, or allow someone to treat you poorly, you will hate your behavior later, and it is never worth it. You will know this because you've explored the appeasement approach fully. So, next time, the first time, a boyfriend treats you like you are less than him, it will be easier to sweetly smile, shake your head in a 'none for me, thanks....I'm allergic to abusive bullshit behavior' style, and move briskly along, looking for someone who will treat you well. You won't even look back.

This, I think, is the only positive lesson that can come from a devastating situation like the one you are talking about. And it is such, such a valuable lesson, because it costs the heart a lot to learn it. Priceless, in fact, if you do take it to heart. I almost want to send out a 'thank you for being such a miserable example of a decent human being' card to every spectacularly crappy boyfriend I had before I was 30, but hallmark hasn't made it a holiday yet.

My point is, you're probably going to be okay with all of this. What you're experiencing will hopefully ultimately be positive, as you see that you. do. have. boundaries. And you ignore them at your own peril. So, when you're ready to, pick yourself up, reflect on what is important to you, and why you let him treat you poorly, and what you're going to do differently, and one day, when you're ready, you will talk smack about your lousy ex over dinner, and all of your friends will laugh, knowingly. He will become a punch line.

So, I'm updating my earlier suggestion. Write him that letter, and put it in your own damn wallet. And the next time you're on a date feel the odd, burning sensation of being disrespected, excuse yourself, go to the ladies room, pull it out and read it to your damn self. Then wash your hands, check your makeup, and head for the exit. Because life is just too short. And you honestly know better.
posted by anitanita at 4:04 PM on September 6, 2010 [10 favorites]


I think you should get the book "There's something I have to tell you" by Charles Foster, and study it very very carefully over a long period of time - at least one month, maybe two. Take seriously everything you read in it.

This will help you to figure out whether writing anything to him will make things better or worse, and if so, how you should write it.

I do think, though, that doing ANYTHING other than walking away and ignoring him is highly likely to make things worse. Also, it sounds like you are in the grip of a compulsion where you get a mistake feeling and are dying to do something to correct that mistake, but then the relief doesn't last long and you have to repeat the action somehow. If you have a compulsion and you DON'T feed it, it dies. It may take a long time, but you won't always feel this way, and you will have a greater chance of success in any communication when you aren't feeling desperate.

Stay strong and you will succeed.
posted by tel3path at 4:07 PM on September 6, 2010


Bottom line: given his track record, there is nothing -- literally, nothing -- you can possibly say or text to him that will bring you closure on this. You could craft an amazing letter, say the perfect thing, or otherwise deal with it better than every other person on the planet...and he will still find a way to twist it into him feeling even better about himself and you feeling worse. There's no logic or fact or feeling or expression you can find that will prevent him from doing this, because even if you found one, he'd just ignore it and pretend you said something else.

In short, he's an asshole, and there's nothing you can do to change the fact that you feel like an asshole got the best of you, except wait it out. Time will heal this wound, as it has for everyone who's ever felt like you.

So, with that in mind, why not try? Well, every time you try (and inevitably fail through no fault of your own, see above) you'll reopen the wound that you've got. Every failure resets the time on your healing. You've been NC for a week? Great, that's one week of healing. Which, admittedly, doesn't feel like a lot, so if you reopen the wound you re-extend your healing for yet another painful week that doesn't feel like a lot.

Hope that helps.
posted by davejay at 5:30 PM on September 6, 2010


The way you describe it now is that he hurt you. The other side of that TRUTH is that you kept going back for more. And more. Even though you had tasted his poison. It's easy to prove you used him and his proven track record of cruelty to hurt yourself by proxy.

I agree with this assessment - it undercuts all of the surface details of he said/did/didn't etc to the stuff that lies at the core of your response.

I am hearing shame in your post Zulonline. You know you feel abandoned and it makes you feel terrible, childlike aching distress. And yet you also know that, dammit, this guy was an asshole, why didn't I say anything? Why didn't I stand up for myself? Why did I give him that last reward of a kind text?

I know how this feels, and have long experience with the precise emotions you describe. As much as it seems this way right now, our reputations are not sealed by what ex-friends say about us. You don't have to feel shame. [imagine what several thousand people in this MF world think of him] The text you sent is actually far less damaging to your ongoing reputation than leaving him with 'crazy rant' or screams, wails and gnashing of teeth. You actually look bigger for sending the kind words. "We will get through this" doesn't necessarily mean anything about getting back together and continuing old patterns, and maybe it is an appropriate exit message.

You probably need to redirect some of your shame into what seems like unspent anger. What is this boy's behaviour and abandonment of you in your overall life story? Why do you feel so abandoned and ashamed when an asshole has not responded to you? I know that having the 'last word' is what you want but you are not going to have a satisfying resolution by outlaying more of yourself for his scrutiny here.

You really don't have to feel shame for feeling abandoned, or for being angry. Maybe this can be an experience that leads you to grow. For myself, the aim has been to get to the place where I stop thinking "OMG, what must they think of me?" to "What do I think about this person/event/feeling?."
posted by honey-barbara at 5:33 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


Oh, one more thing.

' F**it, ( his name) we will make it work, some time but we will. X'

If he decides to interpret like the asshole he is, he'll think "she loves me more than I love her, haha I win" -- but you could have sent him anything and he would have thought that, or nothing and he still would have thought that. So if he's being true to form, even texting nothing wouldn't have left you better off.

And anyway, if he's not an asshole, then he'll interpret it as a direct agreement to his statement that 'I don't know but we WILL' -- it puts you back on a level playing field, nothing more. Which, if it turned out someday he wasn't an asshole, is exactly where you'd want to be.

In short: either he's an asshole (and so what you sent doesn't matter) or he's not an asshole (and so what you sent does nothing more than put you back on a level playing field.)
posted by davejay at 5:35 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


I was dating this girl and things were progressing rather nicely and suddenly, with absolutely no warning whatsoever, she stopped contacting me. She wouldn't respond to my mails, when I called I got her voicemail only because she never answered it. Pathetically, I even went to the area she lives in hopes of running into her (after 30 minutes of not seeing her I went home). At first I was concerned for her, thinking something bad happened, but through mutual friends (and friends of friends) I learned she was alive and well, just doing it without me.

She just flat disappeared from my life, and it drove me crazy.

I had really been falling for this girl, but to learn it wasn't reciprocated...it hurts. It hurts a lot. But the lack of closure is, I think, the worst part of it. That's the most painful thing. You're not alone with your pain; sooner or later most people go through this kind of rejection.

Fast forward several months later, maybe as much as a year. I'd moved on, but to my shame I still thought about her way too much to be healthy. One day, under a particular spell of obsession, I hunted her down on Facebook. By now she'd moved to a whole other city. I clicked "Add as Friend", and a few days later, when I noticed she wasn't on my friend list, I looked her up again. There on her page was the "Add as Friend" button again. She had rejected my friend request. I was pissed, and hit "Add as Friend" again just so I could call her all the nasty names I could think of, and just as I was about to send it, it hit me:

She had rejected me. She had seen my request, she knew I was out there, she knew I looked at her on FB, and she had rejected me.

FINALLY, I had closure. Not a happy ending, actually rather pathetic to be sure, but I had closure. A loop had been completed. I canceled out of the "Add as Friend" button, had a smoke, and chilled out. From that point I stopped obsessing over her. I think of her from time to time, but objectively, without any passion that I had before.

Sorry for the wall, but I guess I'm saying that time will cure you of this douchebag, and if you can get any kind of closure, even in some small fashion, you should try. But don't just send emails he won't respond to; that simply won't work.
posted by zardoz at 5:41 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


The best way you can really stand up and express your frustration and hurt is to never, ever contact him again, and never respond if he contacts you.

Remember, you cannot control what is in his mind. You cannot change his perception of you, your relationship, or himself (it sucks, I know). You can only change how you view and treat yourself. The best way to do this right now is by cutting him from your life and refusing to obsess over what he thinks of you. Concentrate on the fact that you now have 2 threads worth of Metafilterians telling you he is an ass and you are much, much better off without him.
posted by EL-O-ESS at 6:04 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


Don't bother telling him how you feel. That will achieve nothing, because he doesn't care how you feel. Find a friend who does care, or a therapist if none of your friends are up for it, and go and debrief with them.
posted by flabdablet at 6:25 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]


It appears that no one has alerted the OP to this in thread, so...MeTa
posted by emilyd22222 at 6:31 PM on September 6, 2010


Perhaps you can take solace in the idea that the feelings and conflicts you are experiencing now are the last throes of the influence this person exerted over you. It is nothing but natural to stress over how someone who did you wrong feels about the whole thing - hell, I'm 9 years married in a 14 year relationship and still, I can go back to periods of my past, I mean, I can read songs I wrote about old and long-gone relationships, and find embers of grief and disappointment an resentment there. These are the experiences that make up our lives, you know, and what it boils down to is you can let them continue to poison you or you can let them go and learn from them.

Over the course of my not inconsiderable experience I've learned that in virtually all situations the proper response to lingering feelings is to do nothing. There is an old cliché out of 12 step programs for ending addictions: "fake it till you make it." You may not be over it, but act like you're over it. You're obviously smart enough to know your best course is just to stay away from this person, regardless of any weak moments: give yourself time and your heart will catch up with your brain.
posted by nanojath at 10:02 PM on September 6, 2010


How about this:
Open a dedicated Twitter account. Every time you feel the urge to text him something, write it on this twitter wall instead.
Make a special effort to tweet things that are positiv, things that are working towards who you want to be. Things that remind you that life is good without him. Things like "I flirted with a guy today and I didn't think about you!" Or "I read this great book. I wouldn't have tried it if I was still listening to you".
Of course you can write "You bastard broke my heart" 25 times, but I think if you pay attention to moments of triumph, so you can tweet them, you will start having more of them.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:10 AM on September 7, 2010


What outcome are you hoping for? What response would he give that would make you feel better? Is it, "OMG, you're right, I'm an asshole!" ... because that won't happen. Most likely you will continue to try to express yourself to him and he will continue to ignore, or mock, or feel superior. The ONLY WAY you can show this kind of person that they're an idiot is to IGNORE them. They FEED on attention, even negative attention, because it shows how important they are. The more energy you put into telling him he's an asshole, the more delighted he will be because YOU CARE ABOUT HIM!

He will say to any other person he meets or will meet, oh yes my ex was a crazy needy woman who I had to rid off and she still is in hope I will get back to her , but I haven't contact her and I never will, poor silly woman , she had not selfsteem.

Not the end of the world, and most decent people will be able to tell pretty quickly that he's a jerk with a lot of "crazy" exes ... the one thing in common being HIM. I dated a guy in a small, close-knit college who told everyone how crazy I was as his ex. It annoyed the crap out of me at first, but it didn't actually affect my life in any way. Sometimes people would be like, "OMG, you're Dude's crazy ex! You're AWESOME!" and we would bond over it. Because people could tell pretty easily that Dude was crazy and that I was not. And THAT was in a limited pool of people where EVERYONE knew I was the crazy ex. Presumably you have the great wide world to people-shop in and it will never affect your life at all.

I feel devastated about the fact that I did not expressed my anger/hurt to this jerck ,, instead I fooled myself the last day thinking that it was better to be polite and kind and loving so leaving the relationship with style ... Did I did the right thing of being quite and polite and not having critizised him about his cruel and horrorific behaviour , what long term benefits will I have thanks to my stupidity?

You faced down a douchebag with class. You have class. That is a huge long term benefit. I don't know if you should have stood up for yourself more, but in the long term you will rarely regret behaving with kindness, even if the person you are kind to doesn't "deserve" it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:10 AM on September 7, 2010


Closure is a concept that was invented by assholes to keep other people on the hook for as long as possible. In my life I have never seen someone set out to get closure from someone else and come away from the situation saying "well, good, I have closure now and that went very well." I have always seen it end in more hurt. So stop trying to get that from him. You can't, it won't work.

But notice what I said. I said "always," which implies that I'm drawing from many examples. And I am. Because what happened to you here happens to lots of people. You shouldn't feel like there's something wrong with you for the way this played out. It played out the way it often does. There's something about the way people's brains are structured that we all seem to fall into similar patterns. I've seen lots of strong, smart people fall into the one you just did. There's no shame in it. The way you feel better about this is to remove every vestige of this guy from your life and use him to calibrate your asshole detector for the future.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:28 AM on September 7, 2010 [2 favorites]


He'll think of you and talk about you how he pleases. You have no control over that, and nothing you say or do to him will reliably manipulate him. But,

it doesn't matter.

How he sees you does NOT matter. His views on people aren't worthy of your respect because he's not worthy of your respect.

Perhaps even more important is to STOP seeing yourself through his eyes - or through anybody else's eyes. Although the good opinion of people of integrity is a worthy thing to aspire to, even that, you have to see both yourself and them through your own eyes to hear it, know it, and value it.
posted by Salamandrous at 9:14 AM on September 7, 2010


But if any of you could makeup psicological scenaries for me which I could put in my mind and use as core believes to help me to move on without sending any other text would be so much appreciated, there are some above already very good.

Here's a mantra for you: "Fuck that guy". This guy is a manipulative asshole. The best thing he's ever done for you is leaving you alone this past week. Whenever you feel ashamed for being duped, repeat: "Fuck that guy." Whenever you think about how he treated you say "Fuck that guy". If you ever wonder about what he thinks of you, "Fuck that guy". Say it aloud if you need to, shout it when you're all alone. The point is to get you to stop thinking about him. Don't allow yourself to dwell on it. Turn all those agonizing thoughts into three little words: FUCK THAT GUY.

Better yet, come up with some particularly foul new name for him, and get all your friends to use it. It might be a bit childish, but it'll get you feeing better.

He's a total asshole, and you've convinced some 50+ people on the internet of that. We're going to be cheering for you to get over him. Do us proud.
posted by fontophilic at 10:19 AM on September 7, 2010


I am writing to express my inmense gratitude to all of you.
I had a total break down in my life which affected badly all areas in my life and the only source of peace and suport I had were your toughtful and wise answers. Each answer here gave me the opportunity to go back to work again and get back to normal activities as before that I coudn't even function as I was emotionally unable.

I have acknowledged each answer and thanks to your different opinions I feel relieved and stronger to move on and do my healing. I was totally confused and you gave me light and understanding.

I will read your comments again whenever I need support and love as I am on my own in a foreign country. And that means that the time you invested answering my questions has been realy worthy because no one like me will be forever so grateful with each of you..

I wish I had the money to pay the relief that you gave free to my mind, but just accept all my love and sincere gratitud. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
posted by zulo at 1:29 PM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]


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