In a great long-term relationship, but there's a problem that can't seem to go away...
September 1, 2010 5:26 PM Subscribe
In a great long-term relationship, but there's a problem that can't seem to go away...
I've been in a committed, loving relationship of several years. My girlfriend and I live together and are very happy.
However, I feel like there is this recurring issue that won't go away. I am really attracted to overweight women. I have been ever since I was really young. I continue to sexually fantasize about it. This has not affected the women I have dated in the past - I'm attracted to people who are not overweight as well, including my girlfriend (very much so). But there's something about being with a woman who is really overweight that has always (and I think always will be) a huge attraction for me, and I really want to experience it. However, my girlfriend is not open to the idea of sexual relations outside our relationship. I love her very much and will continue to honor her preferences about this - I wouldn't do anything without her permission. And our sex life is great and fulfilling. It's just... I continue to have these strong fantasies and desires.
I think my girlfriend just wants me to stop feeling these desires or continue to ignore them. And she's been really open to exploring other areas of my sexual interests, but she wishes this one would just go away. I think sometimes she speaks in a way that stigmatizes my desires because she doesn't want them to be an issue. I want to emphasize that I really love her and that our relationship, for the most part, is great, and again, I'm committed to what she wants. But my other desires are still here, and will probably be here no matter how ill she thinks of them, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Surely other people have had problems in their relationship where one person has sexual desires the other can't or won't fulfill. What do you do?
I do NOT want to hear answers about "sorry just break up." If everyone tells me to just suck it up, that's fine - I'm happy with the relationship as it is, but it is definitely holding me back from my desires in some way. And I want to hear about real compromises we could try pursuing.
I've been in a committed, loving relationship of several years. My girlfriend and I live together and are very happy.
However, I feel like there is this recurring issue that won't go away. I am really attracted to overweight women. I have been ever since I was really young. I continue to sexually fantasize about it. This has not affected the women I have dated in the past - I'm attracted to people who are not overweight as well, including my girlfriend (very much so). But there's something about being with a woman who is really overweight that has always (and I think always will be) a huge attraction for me, and I really want to experience it. However, my girlfriend is not open to the idea of sexual relations outside our relationship. I love her very much and will continue to honor her preferences about this - I wouldn't do anything without her permission. And our sex life is great and fulfilling. It's just... I continue to have these strong fantasies and desires.
I think my girlfriend just wants me to stop feeling these desires or continue to ignore them. And she's been really open to exploring other areas of my sexual interests, but she wishes this one would just go away. I think sometimes she speaks in a way that stigmatizes my desires because she doesn't want them to be an issue. I want to emphasize that I really love her and that our relationship, for the most part, is great, and again, I'm committed to what she wants. But my other desires are still here, and will probably be here no matter how ill she thinks of them, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Surely other people have had problems in their relationship where one person has sexual desires the other can't or won't fulfill. What do you do?
I do NOT want to hear answers about "sorry just break up." If everyone tells me to just suck it up, that's fine - I'm happy with the relationship as it is, but it is definitely holding me back from my desires in some way. And I want to hear about real compromises we could try pursuing.
The fat fetish thing is a red herring. (Though I do want to emphasize that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, your desires are normal and healthy, and your physical attraction to a wide range of body types, including fat women, is not something you should be ashamed of.) This is really just a case in which one partner wants to have sex with other people outside of the relationship, and the other partner doesn't want that to happen.
You basically have to choose which is more important to you, sex with other women, or your partner. And it sounds like you've chosen, and you've chosen her. Great. Congratulations on finding a relationship that makes you so happy.
So what should you do now? I'd say, first and foremost, stop telling your girlfriend that you want to have sex with other women. It doesn't matter why you want to have sex with them, or what you feel when you think about them. She's not comfortable with the idea, which means that she doesn't want to hear about it. This is an issue for you, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to make it an issue for her too. She needs to feel safe and loved and like she's everything you want, and telling her about other women you'd like to have sex with doesn't do that for her.
That doesn't mean, however, that you have to ignore your fantasies about other women of various shapes and sizes. Look at pictures (discreetly, in a way that she doesn't have to see or find out about). Think and fantasize. Your thoughts are yours, and no one has any right to tell you not to have them. Enjoy them, and do your best not to feel guilty. Everyone sometimes thinks about other people, no matter how happy they are in their relationships, and there's nothing wrong with it. So enjoy!
posted by decathecting at 5:42 PM on September 1, 2010 [17 favorites]
You basically have to choose which is more important to you, sex with other women, or your partner. And it sounds like you've chosen, and you've chosen her. Great. Congratulations on finding a relationship that makes you so happy.
So what should you do now? I'd say, first and foremost, stop telling your girlfriend that you want to have sex with other women. It doesn't matter why you want to have sex with them, or what you feel when you think about them. She's not comfortable with the idea, which means that she doesn't want to hear about it. This is an issue for you, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to make it an issue for her too. She needs to feel safe and loved and like she's everything you want, and telling her about other women you'd like to have sex with doesn't do that for her.
That doesn't mean, however, that you have to ignore your fantasies about other women of various shapes and sizes. Look at pictures (discreetly, in a way that she doesn't have to see or find out about). Think and fantasize. Your thoughts are yours, and no one has any right to tell you not to have them. Enjoy them, and do your best not to feel guilty. Everyone sometimes thinks about other people, no matter how happy they are in their relationships, and there's nothing wrong with it. So enjoy!
posted by decathecting at 5:42 PM on September 1, 2010 [17 favorites]
Um, is this your girlfriend?
http://ask.metafilter.com/147297/Boyfriend-has-fat-fetish-and-monogamy-issues-how-to-deal-with-it
posted by thebazilist at 5:43 PM on September 1, 2010 [17 favorites]
http://ask.metafilter.com/147297/Boyfriend-has-fat-fetish-and-monogamy-issues-how-to-deal-with-it
posted by thebazilist at 5:43 PM on September 1, 2010 [17 favorites]
I have attractions my husband can't satisfy; I mean, at the most broad level, I'm bi, and he has only one gender. I actually had a bit of an existential freakout about this about four months before I got married. But in the end, I had to make the conscious decision to commit to him monogamously, despite my other attractions, and I did.
I will say, though, that he doesn't care WHAT kind of sex I have all by myself. And he doesn't have any objection to porn or whatnot. So my menage a moi time? is pretty diverse. That's been a good enough compromise for me for fifteen years now.
posted by KathrynT at 5:51 PM on September 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
I will say, though, that he doesn't care WHAT kind of sex I have all by myself. And he doesn't have any objection to porn or whatnot. So my menage a moi time? is pretty diverse. That's been a good enough compromise for me for fifteen years now.
posted by KathrynT at 5:51 PM on September 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
But my other desires are still here, and will probably be here no matter how ill she thinks of them, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Try framing it to yourself as something that you know will just not ever happen -- like sleeping with your favorite sexiest celebrity. Sure, you can fantasize about it, but it will never happen. There's lots of things we all want sexually from our partners and sometimes don't get, but it's not the end all be all, there's lots of other things and fun to be had trying those other things.
posted by NoraCharles at 5:57 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Try framing it to yourself as something that you know will just not ever happen -- like sleeping with your favorite sexiest celebrity. Sure, you can fantasize about it, but it will never happen. There's lots of things we all want sexually from our partners and sometimes don't get, but it's not the end all be all, there's lots of other things and fun to be had trying those other things.
posted by NoraCharles at 5:57 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Plenty of people have fantasies - they're called fantasies for a reason, though.
If everyone was to act on their fetishes/fantasies, monogamy would be rare.
That's why porn is great.
And, are you sure you just don't want a threesome? Maybe you're not cut out for monogamy?
If your fetishes are this out of control and about to ruin your great relationship, you may need to seek therapy before you act on them.
Or just wait until you guys have kids... or until you guys are in your late 40's. She may gain some weight!
posted by KogeLiz at 5:58 PM on September 1, 2010
If everyone was to act on their fetishes/fantasies, monogamy would be rare.
That's why porn is great.
And, are you sure you just don't want a threesome? Maybe you're not cut out for monogamy?
If your fetishes are this out of control and about to ruin your great relationship, you may need to seek therapy before you act on them.
Or just wait until you guys have kids... or until you guys are in your late 40's. She may gain some weight!
posted by KogeLiz at 5:58 PM on September 1, 2010
People have sexual feelings for a lot of types outside of their primary relationship. Other races, other hair colors, other genders...that's what fantasy is all about. If your girlfriend is cool with porn, then I'd say have a healthy mastubatory life and a healthy sex life.
If it's getting in the way of your sex life and your relationship and you can't get past that in a way that is mutually acceptable to both of you, then it's time to break up. It doesn't seem to be that severe right now, and I think communication and both of you working at the issue can probably pull you through it.
posted by xingcat at 6:13 PM on September 1, 2010
If it's getting in the way of your sex life and your relationship and you can't get past that in a way that is mutually acceptable to both of you, then it's time to break up. It doesn't seem to be that severe right now, and I think communication and both of you working at the issue can probably pull you through it.
posted by xingcat at 6:13 PM on September 1, 2010
Which is more important, the fantasy or the reality?
posted by yclipse at 6:15 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by yclipse at 6:15 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think sometimes she speaks in a way that stigmatizes my desires because she doesn't want them to be an issue.
I'm sorry, but this comes off as really whiney and oblivious. She "stigmatizes" your desires? Give us a break! Of course she stigmatizes them. You're talking to your girlfriend about how intensely attracted you are to women who are very different from her. That's classic not-being-a-good-boyfriend behavior. You should stop that immediately if you want the relationship to last.
I also thought of the Boyfriend-has-fat-fetish-and-monogamy-issues-how-to-deal-with-it link someone already posted here. I'll repeat something I said in that thread under a different username: I fail to see what difference it makes whether your intense sexual attraction is to fat or skinny or tall or short or black or white or Asian or Hispanic women. Now, I'm a straight man, and I can totally relate to dating a woman while also having a strong attraction to women with a different body type. If I don't see how your issue with being attracted to a certain female body type is any basis for you to try to get her to "compromise" (which I assume would involve another woman in some way), then it's no surprise that your girlfriend doesn't.
I'm not going to say "sorry just break up." I don't know if you should break up or not. But I think you should decide if you want to be with her. You can have whatever attractions to other women you want, but you cannot act on them if you want to stay with her. Period.
posted by John Cohen at 6:17 PM on September 1, 2010 [23 favorites]
I'm sorry, but this comes off as really whiney and oblivious. She "stigmatizes" your desires? Give us a break! Of course she stigmatizes them. You're talking to your girlfriend about how intensely attracted you are to women who are very different from her. That's classic not-being-a-good-boyfriend behavior. You should stop that immediately if you want the relationship to last.
I also thought of the Boyfriend-has-fat-fetish-and-monogamy-issues-how-to-deal-with-it link someone already posted here. I'll repeat something I said in that thread under a different username: I fail to see what difference it makes whether your intense sexual attraction is to fat or skinny or tall or short or black or white or Asian or Hispanic women. Now, I'm a straight man, and I can totally relate to dating a woman while also having a strong attraction to women with a different body type. If I don't see how your issue with being attracted to a certain female body type is any basis for you to try to get her to "compromise" (which I assume would involve another woman in some way), then it's no surprise that your girlfriend doesn't.
I'm not going to say "sorry just break up." I don't know if you should break up or not. But I think you should decide if you want to be with her. You can have whatever attractions to other women you want, but you cannot act on them if you want to stay with her. Period.
posted by John Cohen at 6:17 PM on September 1, 2010 [23 favorites]
I think every person in a monogamous relationship is attracted to a type of person that is different than their partner and might wish they could experience being with that type of person. It's a matter of deciding whether those desires are going to consume you, or whether you can do without them.
posted by elpea at 6:33 PM on September 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by elpea at 6:33 PM on September 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
Make sure that you are really taking the time to gently communicate where you are coming from. Maybe she is still unclear about how you really feel. You said she is not open to an open relationship, but maybe she would be open to having the experience with you once. You could go away on a couples get away and go through the process together. Keep in mind though I have often heard a fantasy is just that. Its sometimes nice to fantasize about something rather then to have it really take place. Good luck....
posted by 4Spokenwords at 6:35 PM on September 1, 2010
posted by 4Spokenwords at 6:35 PM on September 1, 2010
This may be really obvious but...could she wear a "fatsuit" from time to time? Lots of people have interesting costumes for sex fantasies; this seems like a reasonable one, if expensive.
posted by galadriel at 6:46 PM on September 1, 2010
posted by galadriel at 6:46 PM on September 1, 2010
You (anyone) can't have it all. You need to choose.
And as an aside, why is attraction to overweight people sometimes talked about here and elsewhere as a 'fetish?' How about just an old-fashioned 'preference'? (this is just a comment - I don't want to divert the question of the OP [who doesn't use the word fetish])
posted by analog at 6:59 PM on September 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
And as an aside, why is attraction to overweight people sometimes talked about here and elsewhere as a 'fetish?' How about just an old-fashioned 'preference'? (this is just a comment - I don't want to divert the question of the OP [who doesn't use the word fetish])
posted by analog at 6:59 PM on September 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
Well, everyone has this issue, but people have differing coping methods and their partners have different experiment thresholds in regards to sexuality. At least, most people, asked anonymously in a survey would, I think.
- You can be physically monogamous and masturbate to fantasies you never act on.
- You can be physically monogamous and committed to a woman who is open to watching pornography with you that depicts your fantasies.
- You can be physically monogamous and committed to a woman that verbalizes sexual desires and fantasies that turn you on during sex/oral/mutual masturbation/phone sex/IM version of the aforementioned options.
- You can encourage this to become your relationship reality by having an open, honest discussion with her about it, and you can start by asking her if there's anything she has reservations about, too, whether it's sex, lifestyle, diet, activity level, social circle, ANYTHING.
As far as experiencing it goes, one option would be to see how attractive you find your girlfriend if she becomes visibly pregnant. It's a long-term goal or option, I suppose, but this is also described as a "fetish" by some... I know that's a long shot to mention, but it's one way to assuage yourself if you're just obsessing over what you can't have and looking for an "out" or whatever.
If that's too left-field for you, and you're THAT hung up over it... why haven't you already had sex with an overweight person? Or had an overweight girlfriend? If you're just out to experience it, this means it hasn't happened yet, either by choice or opportunity. If you're really young, then yeah, maybe it's not time to settle down and be monogamous. Or maybe you're in a partnership where you aren't comfortable being totally honest with each other or cannot fulfill the other person's sexual needs.
People break up for less than this; others suddenly realize that society's preconcieved boundaries on sexual experience doesn't apply to them or their relationships anymore.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 7:34 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
- You can be physically monogamous and masturbate to fantasies you never act on.
- You can be physically monogamous and committed to a woman who is open to watching pornography with you that depicts your fantasies.
- You can be physically monogamous and committed to a woman that verbalizes sexual desires and fantasies that turn you on during sex/oral/mutual masturbation/phone sex/IM version of the aforementioned options.
- You can encourage this to become your relationship reality by having an open, honest discussion with her about it, and you can start by asking her if there's anything she has reservations about, too, whether it's sex, lifestyle, diet, activity level, social circle, ANYTHING.
As far as experiencing it goes, one option would be to see how attractive you find your girlfriend if she becomes visibly pregnant. It's a long-term goal or option, I suppose, but this is also described as a "fetish" by some... I know that's a long shot to mention, but it's one way to assuage yourself if you're just obsessing over what you can't have and looking for an "out" or whatever.
If that's too left-field for you, and you're THAT hung up over it... why haven't you already had sex with an overweight person? Or had an overweight girlfriend? If you're just out to experience it, this means it hasn't happened yet, either by choice or opportunity. If you're really young, then yeah, maybe it's not time to settle down and be monogamous. Or maybe you're in a partnership where you aren't comfortable being totally honest with each other or cannot fulfill the other person's sexual needs.
People break up for less than this; others suddenly realize that society's preconcieved boundaries on sexual experience doesn't apply to them or their relationships anymore.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 7:34 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
analog, you're absolutely right. I apologize for using the word "fetish" in my answer. I was trying to be pithy, and I instead stigmatized a good portion of the population. I'm sorry, and I hope that my answer didn't give the impression that this attraction is anything other than a manifestation of a normal, healthy sex drive.
posted by decathecting at 7:40 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 7:40 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Honestly, if it were the reverse situation, where your girlfriend was heavy, and you constantly told her about your strong desires for thin women even though you knew it bothered her, asked to have sex with thin women outside your relationship even though you knew she wasn't open to that, and constantly hinted that she should "compromise" by giving her okay for you to go have sex with thin women, and asked a loaded question like "Surely other people have had problems in their relationship where one person has sexual desires the other can't or won't fulfill. What do you do?" when anyone who's spent much time here knows the first answer is usually "Open the relationship!" ... I think you would have gotten very different responses here. I wonder why that is.
I don't think it's different at all. I think what you're doing could be extremely self-esteem destroying for your girlfriend. You say you don't want to just break up, but that seems really selfish to me. It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too, no matter the effects on your gf.
I'm happy with the relationship as it is, but it is definitely holding me back from my desires in some way.
It sounds like it bothers you a lot to be in a situation where your sexual desires are not fulfilled to the greatest extent. I think that's totally valid and it's your right to feel. But I don't think it's right at all to keep pushing that on your gf, or anyone else. You know full well how she feels about your desires. The only right thing to do if your sexual desires being fulfilled is a very high priority to you, is to find someone who wants to fulfill them of her own accord. Not keep trying to shoehorn someone who doesn't.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:37 PM on September 1, 2010 [14 favorites]
I don't think it's different at all. I think what you're doing could be extremely self-esteem destroying for your girlfriend. You say you don't want to just break up, but that seems really selfish to me. It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too, no matter the effects on your gf.
I'm happy with the relationship as it is, but it is definitely holding me back from my desires in some way.
It sounds like it bothers you a lot to be in a situation where your sexual desires are not fulfilled to the greatest extent. I think that's totally valid and it's your right to feel. But I don't think it's right at all to keep pushing that on your gf, or anyone else. You know full well how she feels about your desires. The only right thing to do if your sexual desires being fulfilled is a very high priority to you, is to find someone who wants to fulfill them of her own accord. Not keep trying to shoehorn someone who doesn't.
posted by Ashley801 at 8:37 PM on September 1, 2010 [14 favorites]
You have a fantasy. Lots of people have fantasies about lots of different things. Since your partner seems uninterested in indulging your fantasy for whatever reason (either by gaining weight or by accepting you sleeping with another person), your only real option to stay in the relationship is to accept this as an unfulfilled fantasy. Not every fantasy needs to be experienced outside your mind, as I'm sure you realize, and it's certainly not the end of the world.
Is this urge so strong you can't just use porn and your mind? If you decide to break up with her and sleep with or date an overweight woman, is your urge for another fantasy going to cause you to move on from that too?
At some point you just have to accept that you're not going to fulfill every fantasy -- even if you stay single and just sleep with a diverse group, at some point you might fantasize about something that's not even possible in reality, and what then? This is the same thing, the barrier is just not physical, if you want to stay in the relationship.
Continuing to discuss this with your girlfriend after she's rejected the idea is likely just making her feel bad because she doesn't want to (or can't, or whatever it is) change her body for you. She may have suspicions about how strongly attracted to her size you are, if you keep talking about another size. It's no wonder she's reacting so negatively to it.
posted by asciident at 9:10 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Is this urge so strong you can't just use porn and your mind? If you decide to break up with her and sleep with or date an overweight woman, is your urge for another fantasy going to cause you to move on from that too?
At some point you just have to accept that you're not going to fulfill every fantasy -- even if you stay single and just sleep with a diverse group, at some point you might fantasize about something that's not even possible in reality, and what then? This is the same thing, the barrier is just not physical, if you want to stay in the relationship.
Continuing to discuss this with your girlfriend after she's rejected the idea is likely just making her feel bad because she doesn't want to (or can't, or whatever it is) change her body for you. She may have suspicions about how strongly attracted to her size you are, if you keep talking about another size. It's no wonder she's reacting so negatively to it.
posted by asciident at 9:10 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am also worried that if people suggest ideas here, or you come up with more, and she isn't okay with them, you won't respect that and will try to guilt/push her into it by telling her she's selfishly not compromising.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:25 PM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by Ashley801 at 9:25 PM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
It's not really fair on your girlfriend that you feel this way, it could be really damaging to her self esteem, and maybe you should take a few moments and really REALLY think about it - if you were 100% happy with the girl you already have, I personally don't think you'd be feeling so unfulfilled. So I suggest 2 things... either snap out of it, or buy your girlfriend a fat suit.
People shouldn't have to worry about their partners straying or feeling unfulfilled in a normal relationship, it's just not fair! Your temptation could lead to something more, something you can't turn down. We do some crazy things in the 'heat of the moment'.
posted by foxy at 9:39 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
People shouldn't have to worry about their partners straying or feeling unfulfilled in a normal relationship, it's just not fair! Your temptation could lead to something more, something you can't turn down. We do some crazy things in the 'heat of the moment'.
posted by foxy at 9:39 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't understand what you want from your girlfriend. It's rather unkind to tell her that you really want to be with a woman of a different body type. She wants monogamy and you want to stay with her. I think you have to let go of the fantasy of being with a large woman.
I can't think of anything your girlfriend can do for you in this situation since her body type isn't large enough to fulfill your fantasy. I imagine it must be incredibly frustrating and hurtful for her to hear that you want to be with a woman of a different body type.
If you want to be in a monogamous relationship with her, you are going to accept that you will not be able to physically fulfill your fantasy.
Ask yourself how think your girlfriend should react? How would you react in her place? It sounds like she's behaved appopriately.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:39 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can't think of anything your girlfriend can do for you in this situation since her body type isn't large enough to fulfill your fantasy. I imagine it must be incredibly frustrating and hurtful for her to hear that you want to be with a woman of a different body type.
If you want to be in a monogamous relationship with her, you are going to accept that you will not be able to physically fulfill your fantasy.
Ask yourself how think your girlfriend should react? How would you react in her place? It sounds like she's behaved appopriately.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:39 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also! Do you think that since you feel this way, that you and your girl are even compatible?
posted by foxy at 9:40 PM on September 1, 2010
posted by foxy at 9:40 PM on September 1, 2010
"This is really just a case in which one partner wants to have sex with other people outside of the relationship, and the other partner doesn't want that to happen."
Bingo! Decathecting nails it (pardon the pun).
The real issue goes beyond a fetish, and it's yet another example of the one thing that ruins human beings time and time again: We're only human!
Ask yourself if you love your girlfriend. I mean, REALLY love her. Do you? I wouldn't be surprised if you do.
Ask yourself if you think you have a future with your girlfriend. Do you? I wouldn't be surprised if you do. Grin!
So, what's the problem? You're human. You have what you want, but you want something else too.
I had a friend who didn't know how to order from the menu when we'd go out to eat. She'd see different things and she'd want to try them all at the same time. I was a good sport, so I'd order something that she'd want to try... but sometimes she'd still order a third entree for the two of us, or she'd order half orders for herself. Other times it got complex because she'd end up ordering combinations that weren't even on the menu. This chicken entree with those ribs and a side dish that came from a third entree. But the thing is, she had enough money to not care if it got expensive. She wanted what she wanted.
...But you're talking about people, not food. If you want to be single, you can date this person for a while and then date that person. Always keeping relationships short term. Never really getting anywhere, but sampling a little of whatever it is that interests you. Maybe that's what you want... but maybe it isn't.
I knew a guy who was born with a bad liver and had been told since he was young that he wouldn't live past his 40th birthday. He never wanted a long term relationship because he didn't didn't believe he was going to have a long term life. He passed away at age 42.
But what about you? What do you want when you're 40? Or 50? Or beyond...? Is giving up a loving relationship worth it in order to have more sexual experiences with different types of women?
Or, maybe a better way to look at it is to separate the sexual desires from the stuff that really matters. Christmas, perhaps. Or your birthday. Or the day you get an awesome promotion and want to celebrate! Or the day something truly tragic happens to you. Who do you want to share these moments with? Who do you want to be there for you? If the answer ISN'T the woman you're dating, you need to end the relationship. If the answer *IS* the woman you're dating, you have to sacrifice lesser desires for the sake of keeping what you really REALLY want.
Consider this: You said you're attracted to your girlfriend, right? Even if you weren't also attracted to heavier women, there would certainly be something else. I love redheads. Oh! My! God! There's just something about them that drives me wild. But if I started dating a woman who was a brunette, I'd be no less attracted to redheads. I'd just be committing to a brunette because I wanted to build a relationship with her. And I'd be happy doing so.
Physical traits are a feast for the senses. This is true. But a relationship with someone you're attracted to is also a feast for the heart and the soul.
One last thought: You might want to spend some time researching what happens to lottery winners. Some of them lead happy lives, but many of them end up a mess because no matter how much they have it's never enough.
Sex is incredible!!!!!!!!
...but love...?
Love is the real thing.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:29 PM on September 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
Bingo! Decathecting nails it (pardon the pun).
The real issue goes beyond a fetish, and it's yet another example of the one thing that ruins human beings time and time again: We're only human!
Ask yourself if you love your girlfriend. I mean, REALLY love her. Do you? I wouldn't be surprised if you do.
Ask yourself if you think you have a future with your girlfriend. Do you? I wouldn't be surprised if you do. Grin!
So, what's the problem? You're human. You have what you want, but you want something else too.
I had a friend who didn't know how to order from the menu when we'd go out to eat. She'd see different things and she'd want to try them all at the same time. I was a good sport, so I'd order something that she'd want to try... but sometimes she'd still order a third entree for the two of us, or she'd order half orders for herself. Other times it got complex because she'd end up ordering combinations that weren't even on the menu. This chicken entree with those ribs and a side dish that came from a third entree. But the thing is, she had enough money to not care if it got expensive. She wanted what she wanted.
...But you're talking about people, not food. If you want to be single, you can date this person for a while and then date that person. Always keeping relationships short term. Never really getting anywhere, but sampling a little of whatever it is that interests you. Maybe that's what you want... but maybe it isn't.
I knew a guy who was born with a bad liver and had been told since he was young that he wouldn't live past his 40th birthday. He never wanted a long term relationship because he didn't didn't believe he was going to have a long term life. He passed away at age 42.
But what about you? What do you want when you're 40? Or 50? Or beyond...? Is giving up a loving relationship worth it in order to have more sexual experiences with different types of women?
Or, maybe a better way to look at it is to separate the sexual desires from the stuff that really matters. Christmas, perhaps. Or your birthday. Or the day you get an awesome promotion and want to celebrate! Or the day something truly tragic happens to you. Who do you want to share these moments with? Who do you want to be there for you? If the answer ISN'T the woman you're dating, you need to end the relationship. If the answer *IS* the woman you're dating, you have to sacrifice lesser desires for the sake of keeping what you really REALLY want.
Consider this: You said you're attracted to your girlfriend, right? Even if you weren't also attracted to heavier women, there would certainly be something else. I love redheads. Oh! My! God! There's just something about them that drives me wild. But if I started dating a woman who was a brunette, I'd be no less attracted to redheads. I'd just be committing to a brunette because I wanted to build a relationship with her. And I'd be happy doing so.
Physical traits are a feast for the senses. This is true. But a relationship with someone you're attracted to is also a feast for the heart and the soul.
One last thought: You might want to spend some time researching what happens to lottery winners. Some of them lead happy lives, but many of them end up a mess because no matter how much they have it's never enough.
Sex is incredible!!!!!!!!
...but love...?
Love is the real thing.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:29 PM on September 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
Unicorn on the Cob asks an excellent question about why you haven't slept with an overweight woman before. A couple of possibilities that seem likely to me:
- You're obsessed with the fantasy but are not really interested in making it a reality. Many people have sexual fantasies that they don't want to act on deep down.
- You're not interested in casual sex, and you've never met an overweight woman you wanted to date. This would indicate that your desire to be in a loving relationship is stronger than your desire for sex with someone who's overweight.
If your sex life with your girlfriend was unfulfilling, this might be a bigger problem, but it sounds like you really love her and are satisfied in many ways and would be willing to give up acting on this fantasy without resentment. Porn and masturbation are both good outlets. You may need to resolve to let go of this on some level too. You seem to have focused on it a lot over the years, to the point where you may have built it up to be a bigger issue than it is. Allow yourself to fantasize about it when you want to, and try to forget about it the rest of the time. We all have to make compromises in relationships. It sounds like you think this compromise is worth making.
posted by spinto at 8:35 AM on September 2, 2010
- You're obsessed with the fantasy but are not really interested in making it a reality. Many people have sexual fantasies that they don't want to act on deep down.
- You're not interested in casual sex, and you've never met an overweight woman you wanted to date. This would indicate that your desire to be in a loving relationship is stronger than your desire for sex with someone who's overweight.
If your sex life with your girlfriend was unfulfilling, this might be a bigger problem, but it sounds like you really love her and are satisfied in many ways and would be willing to give up acting on this fantasy without resentment. Porn and masturbation are both good outlets. You may need to resolve to let go of this on some level too. You seem to have focused on it a lot over the years, to the point where you may have built it up to be a bigger issue than it is. Allow yourself to fantasize about it when you want to, and try to forget about it the rest of the time. We all have to make compromises in relationships. It sounds like you think this compromise is worth making.
posted by spinto at 8:35 AM on September 2, 2010
One of the main markers of being an adult is realizing that you can't always have everything you want in life, and that that's ok.
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:03 AM on September 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 9:03 AM on September 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by desjardins at 5:31 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]