How to fix a stupid text broken up closure?
August 29, 2010 5:18 PM   Subscribe

How to fix a stupid text broken up closure?

I stupidly sent a text to the person who has broken my heart counteles times in the past 2 months ignoring my calls, playing with my mind , giving me mixed signals about getting back together but then doesn't support his words with actions.
I am getting mad with the suffering caused by his unreliant and cruel behaviour.

I decided finally last week to return his stuff and at the meeting he said he didn't came to the meeting to 'end things', finally he took his stuff and when I asked if we werent going to end things so how then we coud make things better, he replyed I don't know but we WILL and then he left.

Ovbiously, his statment confused me and made me feel hopeful about the relationship AGAIN, then that night after I left had a couple of drinks and STUPIDLY sent him a text saying:

' F**it, ( his name) we will make it work, some time but we will. X

My intention was truly to move on when returning his stuff, but after I sent that text ,I have been cought in feelings of despair, and frustation as I know that I don't mean anything to him and he actually may be seeing someone else. That's why his akward and inconsitent behaviour.

My question is , how can I fix that text? should I sent another one saying something diferent so I can regain some respect for myself after being treated like dirt for so long? what could I write instead?

If I leave it like this, I feel It would be harder to move on because I feel he may be thinking oh, that poor stupid who I treated like shit is of course waiting for me to get back whenever I want, so cool, I just keep doing my thing and whenever I feel like I just call her and she'll be waiting.

I don't know what to do!! I can't stop thinking about it, I want to feel respected and having sent that loving /stupid text at the end is killing me , and the fact that the text shows no dignity at all for myself after being treated like dirt is making me feel worse.

Should I send another text? should I leave it like this? if so, what should I think to help me to truly move on?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
No, don't send another text. Like you said, he's been giving you mixed signals and you feel led on, and you sent the text in light of what he said when you gave him his stuff. Turn your embarrassment into determination to not let him mess with your head any more. Delete his phone number and let him become history.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 5:26 PM on August 29, 2010 [2 favorites]

No, do not send another text.

Call him up and say "Oh, I'm sorry, I'd had a few drinks and wasn't thinking straight. Please do not contact me again", and then go about your life.
posted by pompomtom at 5:28 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

Forget about the text. Who cares what he thinks? You're not going to see him or talk to him anymore, right? You're done with him. The first step is to stop caring what he thinks.

If it makes you feel better, think of that last message as you toying with him, giving him false hope. If he thinks you're waiting for him, ha!: you're not. You are moving on to find somebody who will be considerate and respect you. He will find that out when he tries to call and you don't answer, or when he tries to text and gets no answer. Cut off all contact.

Can you block his number from calling or texting you? If so, do that.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:28 PM on August 29, 2010 [4 favorites]

If he contacts you again, tell him you've thought it over with a clearer head and no, it's not going to work out. Then move on.

Also: don't drink and type. The sanity you save could be your own.
posted by foobario at 5:35 PM on August 29, 2010

Yeah, don't try to make up for the text, don't call, delete his number and move on. I know it sounds impossible, but just do it, call a friend, maybe hand the friend your phone for a while...
posted by Pax at 5:40 PM on August 29, 2010

He sure sounds worth the effort. </sarcasm> What Pax said.
posted by furtive at 5:43 PM on August 29, 2010

"Should I send another text? should I leave it like this?"

Don't send another text. Don't contact him again. A clean break is for the best.

"what should I think to help me to truly move on?"

Try to remind yourself that you're doing the right thing by moving on, because you really are.

"I don't know what to do!! I can't stop thinking about it"

Try to not beat yourself up over a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. It's part of being human. What's important is to move on positively rather than waste energy looking back negatively. Best of luck! Breakups suck :(
posted by 2oh1 at 5:44 PM on August 29, 2010

Don't text, and don't talk with him. Maybe it is a good time for you to take a long break from men/relationships?
posted by Houstonian at 5:49 PM on August 29, 2010

I can't call him as pompoton suggest, he left me hanging almost 80 times in the past two months he would call telling me to call him, then switched his phone off, said he would call then left me hours hanging and when I called he would say I can't talk right now, I call you back in two min, then never called. Another time asked me to book tickets for a trip then would dissapeared the day before and when I called him desperate before the trip said he couldn't talk and would call me later leaving me in agony fo hours , another day asked me to do my hair in certain way to go for a party then after hours of waiting for him called and he said he didn't want to go, then switched his phone off or not answer. Then called me to ask to start all over again, and did the same thing again and again when I called.

I can't even describe how cruel he has been, how stupid I was sending that text after all this .. I have not even words to describe my hurt..
posted by zulo at 5:53 PM on August 29, 2010

Wow, with that new information, the answer is actually really really easy: never speak, text, email, or see him again. Ever.

Problem solved. Find someone who respects you and isn't a complete ass, and don't worry if your text may have "confused" him. It sounds like he doesn't care anyway, and is just playing games with you.

This one's simple, just repeat after me: "never again." (with the speaking, texting, etc.) ever.
posted by disillusioned at 6:06 PM on August 29, 2010 [5 favorites]

Also, as I was kind and loving the day I returned his stuff PLUS the text, he thinks he is so great, oh..
posted by zulo at 6:10 PM on August 29, 2010

Look, I know how tempting it is to think that you have control over him, over his behavior, or how he feels--so that if you just send the perfect text, the perfect email, if you apologize in the right way, if you make him see what he's missing, if you act sweetly enough, if you're aloof enough...

It doesn't work that way. The more attention (of any kind) you give him, the more you'll feel taken advantage of and the more obvious it will be that he doesn't give a shit what you do--he'll still ignore you and lead you on in the same way because he doesn't really think of you at all.
posted by the young rope-rider at 6:23 PM on August 29, 2010 [8 favorites]

You must be texting the same guy that I've been texting. My dude pulled an asshole move Thursday and somehow (after MONTHS of crap...) the lightbulb in my head finally went on and I said "no more".

Don't send him another text. Just don't. If he texts you again, leave him hanging. Give him a dose of his own medicine. Just walk away.

I know it's hard...I'm feeling some of the same things you are. Time helps. Distracting yourself with something else helps. I have a few friends that know what's going on that I will text anytime I'm feeling the itch to text asshole (I've been letting him make the first move for a while and letting him contact me first...he's still an asshole so that tactic didn't work) and that has helped.

Everyone has given great advice...I'm going to be taking the same advice to heart. At least you know you're not alone!!!
posted by MultiFaceted at 6:45 PM on August 29, 2010

This is a job for Countess Cutoff! Don't contact him again.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:47 PM on August 29, 2010

So, let him think you're still pining away for him (even if you are, whatever, it doesn't matter) - it's just buying you time to properly move on so you can shut him down (by not responding) the next time he looks for a reaction from you. Bring your focus back to you.
posted by Chrysalis at 3:39 AM on August 30, 2010

Another time asked me to book tickets for a trip then would dissapeared the day before and when I called him desperate before the trip said he couldn't talk and would call me later leaving me in agony fo hours , another day asked me to do my hair in certain way to go for a party then after hours of waiting for him called and he said he didn't want to go, then switched his phone off or not answer.

This guy is a complete asshole. You really, really need to move on and stop having anything to do with him.

the fact that the text shows no dignity at all for myself after being treated like dirt is making me feel worse

Look, you liked a guy, and it turned out that the guy was an asshole and repeatedly hurt you. None of that is your fault, because it's his fault that he treated you like dirt, not your's. He's the one that doesn't have the dignity to be a decent human being and should feel bad about this whole mess.

what should I think to help me to truly move on?

Realize that you can find someone else who is 1000 times better than this guy and that your life in general is going to be better when you're not having any contact with him.
posted by burnmp3s at 7:40 AM on August 30, 2010

This sounds to me like it is more about your relationship with yourself - not him.

In the short-term, Delete/Block/Ignore all future contact.

Write off that text you sent. We've all done it. Forgive yourself.

Somehow, you must must must internalize and process that you WILL NOT accept this type of treatment from anyone ever again because it is utterly beneath you. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Therapy for the long-term? You need to inoculate yourself from this type of poisonous dynamic, I think.

Do you think kindly or negatively about yourself? Become aware of how you "talk" to yourself. There are plenty of techniques out there about how to improve your inner-dialog with yourself - find books and internet resources. Do whatever work is required and cultivate the skill of treating yourself with respect.

Do you accept bullshit from your boss? Parents? Friends?

Make a list. Become aware of times when you are "training" people to treat you shabbily by accepting/rewarding poor treatment with your direct approval or passive acquiescence. Mind how you treat others. Make a promise to yourself to move on from those relationships that don't feature mutual respect and "win win" dynamics.

You'll make mistakes along the way. Learning how to treat yourself and others with respect takes practice and will involve many false starts - so get started, already!

Again. Forget the text message. In the larger scale of things, it is insignificant.

Again. Don't EVER take this person's calls. Do not listen to voice mails out of curiosity. Delete texts before reading. Block contact on social networking sites. Do not read any emails (filter them to trash.) Delete. Delete. Delete. Block. Delete.

FWIW... it sounds like this person has a significant other and is cheating on them - maybe even cheating on multiple other people. Obviously, this includes cheating on you. Grok that you want no part of a situation like this now or ever again. No one is worth that. You will NEVER change a cheater. Ever.

Forgive yourself and stop thinking you are "stupid" or whatever negative things you are thinking about yourself! I promise you, we've all been there. How else do you think we've gotten so wise here on the green??

Good luck on your journey through this. You'll get through it and be better off sooner than you think.
posted by jbenben at 12:25 PM on August 30, 2010

I want to thank everyone for your compassionate help. I appreciate very much your insight and yes, you ALL are SO right NEVER AGAIN.
posted by zulo at 3:31 PM on August 31, 2010

You know, some people make themselves desirable through their ability to not turn up.

If they turn up, it ruins the whole racket. Because then you realize that their absence really was the most attractive thing about them.

I'm not being sarky when I say this, I'm deadly serious.

It's a trick, and in the future you will be wise to it, but right now it is causing you real anguish and he KNOWS it is causing you real anguish, and he has gone on to do it to you 80 TIMES IN TWO MONTHS. That's twice a day FFS! I bet he doesn't brush his teeth as often as he abuses you! Because abuse is what it is, and no mistake. If ignoring you didn't work, he would probably be thrashing you with his belt. That's how bad his behaviour is.

Just block the guy and leave no channels of communication open. Resist all temptation to contact him. If any messages of any kind come through from him, delete them without reading them. There can be NO exceptions, no matter what the temptation. And you WILL be tempted, but don't give in.
posted by tel3path at 3:38 PM on August 31, 2010 [1 favorite]

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