I’m starting to think I don’t know how to do casual dating.
August 1, 2010 4:42 PM Subscribe
After a few long term relationships (4 yrs, 3 yrs, 10 yrs) I met a nice guy a few weeks ago. I’ve seen him 2-4 x per week every week.
The first few weeks, we had dinner, or saw a movie, and went back to his place for sex. The sex is really, really great.
The last couple of weeks, I’ve just gone over to his house for sex.
Last night, I asked him to accompany me to an activity. He said it sounded like fun, but he wasn’t sure when he could do it.
He owns his own business. He works 7 days a week. His job is physically active as well as mentally exhausting. I understand that many days, he just wants to get home, eat, watch tv, and pass out. He gets up at 5am most days. For most of his life, he has chosen his work over personal relationships.
I'm not going to stop seeing him just because he hasn’t taken me out for dinner lately.
But… I get over to his house, he acts really glad to see me, we talk, snuggle, have really great sex, talk some more, I leave feeling great, and by the time I get home I feel… sad.
Additional info: he is 19 yrs older than me. I am in my 30s. I am divorced. He has never been married. I’ve moved around a lot and traveled; he has lived in the same house for the last 25 yrs. I’ve been in a serious, long-term relationship for most of my adult life; he has been single for most of his.
I just got a new job, and I plan to work for a while, then go back to school – in another city. He knows my plans. I like him, we have lots to talk about, but as soon as I can save up the money, I’m off to school, and then a job… somewhere, I don’t know yet.
I want a casual relationship, but am having a hard time lining up my feelings with the situation. I’m ok with just going over for sex, but … I don’t really know why I am feeling weird right now.
All of my relationships have been long term. I have a hard time not fitting this guy into previous molds. I’m starting to think I don’t know how to do casual dating.
Do you have any insights? Why am I suddenly not happy with the situation? Am I just someone who needs the boyfriend experience? Should I talk to him? What should I say?
Last night, I asked him to accompany me to an activity. He said it sounded like fun, but he wasn’t sure when he could do it.
He owns his own business. He works 7 days a week. His job is physically active as well as mentally exhausting. I understand that many days, he just wants to get home, eat, watch tv, and pass out. He gets up at 5am most days. For most of his life, he has chosen his work over personal relationships.
I'm not going to stop seeing him just because he hasn’t taken me out for dinner lately.
But… I get over to his house, he acts really glad to see me, we talk, snuggle, have really great sex, talk some more, I leave feeling great, and by the time I get home I feel… sad.
Additional info: he is 19 yrs older than me. I am in my 30s. I am divorced. He has never been married. I’ve moved around a lot and traveled; he has lived in the same house for the last 25 yrs. I’ve been in a serious, long-term relationship for most of my adult life; he has been single for most of his.
I just got a new job, and I plan to work for a while, then go back to school – in another city. He knows my plans. I like him, we have lots to talk about, but as soon as I can save up the money, I’m off to school, and then a job… somewhere, I don’t know yet.
I want a casual relationship, but am having a hard time lining up my feelings with the situation. I’m ok with just going over for sex, but … I don’t really know why I am feeling weird right now.
All of my relationships have been long term. I have a hard time not fitting this guy into previous molds. I’m starting to think I don’t know how to do casual dating.
Do you have any insights? Why am I suddenly not happy with the situation? Am I just someone who needs the boyfriend experience? Should I talk to him? What should I say?
You're both adults. It's totally fine to say: "Hey, I really like you and I like fucking you. But when that's all we do, it makes me feel sad. So, I'd prefer that we get together to do stuff that might wind up with fucking, rather than just jumping ahead to the fucking itself."
Years ago, I was in your precise position and actually said this to a lovely woman I fancied. I didn't get the answer I wanted. But about a year later, another woman said something similar to me and I was smart enough to say the right thing in reply. It's nice to be able to tell a person you like how they can make you feel good about being with them.
posted by felix betachat at 5:08 PM on August 1, 2010 [17 favorites]
Years ago, I was in your precise position and actually said this to a lovely woman I fancied. I didn't get the answer I wanted. But about a year later, another woman said something similar to me and I was smart enough to say the right thing in reply. It's nice to be able to tell a person you like how they can make you feel good about being with them.
posted by felix betachat at 5:08 PM on August 1, 2010 [17 favorites]
I think you want someone that you can share your life with, and him with you. This guy who only intermittently wants some company is just not going to do - I think you should politely tell him that he is not the right person for you and carry on looking.
posted by meepmeow at 5:09 PM on August 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by meepmeow at 5:09 PM on August 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
You don't need to know why you're not happy with the situation (as interesting a question as that might be). What matters is that you're not happy with the situation.
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:23 PM on August 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Jaltcoh at 5:23 PM on August 1, 2010 [5 favorites]
As you say, you only know committed, long-term relationships while he is entirely his own master. You want casual, but you sense that your definition of casual is still not as casual as you might feel that his is. Essentially, "casual" will require you to give up a part of yourself that maybe you don't want to give up. That's probably why you feel sad sometimes.
I have several mid-30's single friends and in general, their mindset is wholly different from my married mindset. Basically, if they don't like a personality quirk of someone they're seeing, they break up. Sometimes a even long-term relationship of their's can end on what seems to me to be a single, silly, petty one-off episode. When I talk to them about the give and take that a LTR requires, they mostly shake their head and look at me as if I'm speaking in an unintelligible language.
No, I guess I cannot offer you any advice other than to say that your feelings seem just about right. You're going through a mourning process for the aspects of a committed adult relationships that you value, and you're not sure what to do with those feelings of relationship loyalty that probably still come quite naturally to you.
Guess you have to decide how universally you want to adopt the mores of a more-independent singles lifestyle. Nothing says you have to go all the way "over"
Best wishes.
posted by DavidandConquer at 5:41 PM on August 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have several mid-30's single friends and in general, their mindset is wholly different from my married mindset. Basically, if they don't like a personality quirk of someone they're seeing, they break up. Sometimes a even long-term relationship of their's can end on what seems to me to be a single, silly, petty one-off episode. When I talk to them about the give and take that a LTR requires, they mostly shake their head and look at me as if I'm speaking in an unintelligible language.
No, I guess I cannot offer you any advice other than to say that your feelings seem just about right. You're going through a mourning process for the aspects of a committed adult relationships that you value, and you're not sure what to do with those feelings of relationship loyalty that probably still come quite naturally to you.
Guess you have to decide how universally you want to adopt the mores of a more-independent singles lifestyle. Nothing says you have to go all the way "over"
Best wishes.
posted by DavidandConquer at 5:41 PM on August 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
While the part of me who has always been in long term, serious relationships understands the problem, another part of me is saying, "What's the problem?"
You're in your 30s and have spent as many as 17 years of your life in long term relationships. Maybe it's time to take a break from that, put yourself/career over the "bonded experience" and have a "vacation" boyfriend.
Enjoy the casual company he gives you, enjoy the sex, and when it's time for you to move for school, move on. It sounds like--considering your situation--you've hit on a lucky thing, with good conversations and fucking and not many expectations for it to be a forever relationship. I mean, if you did get involved with someone with whom you thought had long-term potential, who did romantic and adventurous things with you, they'd likely complicate your plans to move for school a lot more than your current beau.
He's not what you're used to, but that may be a good thing for *you* right now. Keep traveling, doing things on your own, and have fun with this guy while he's in your life.
posted by itesser at 6:12 PM on August 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
You're in your 30s and have spent as many as 17 years of your life in long term relationships. Maybe it's time to take a break from that, put yourself/career over the "bonded experience" and have a "vacation" boyfriend.
Enjoy the casual company he gives you, enjoy the sex, and when it's time for you to move for school, move on. It sounds like--considering your situation--you've hit on a lucky thing, with good conversations and fucking and not many expectations for it to be a forever relationship. I mean, if you did get involved with someone with whom you thought had long-term potential, who did romantic and adventurous things with you, they'd likely complicate your plans to move for school a lot more than your current beau.
He's not what you're used to, but that may be a good thing for *you* right now. Keep traveling, doing things on your own, and have fun with this guy while he's in your life.
posted by itesser at 6:12 PM on August 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
I understand the relationship need, definitely. I've always been in long(ish) term relationships, particularly since my divorce almost 10 years ago. Some folks just prefer being partnered up with someone, and that's okay. I spent a lot of time with the wrong guys, thinking that I must be emotionally weak because I couldn't do the casual dating thing.
Many people suggest that if a woman doesn't like being alone, there is something wrong with her, or that she's in need of therapy to find out why. Who cares? I was that woman, always questioning why I seemed to be the only one who was into the relationship, wondering if I was weak and needy because I preferred to be in a relationship. After a few missteps, I found the right one.
You're a relationship-girl, and that's okay. It doesn't sound like this guy is in the same place as you, but since you're moving on soon, hey, why not have fun?
posted by sundrop at 7:20 PM on August 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Many people suggest that if a woman doesn't like being alone, there is something wrong with her, or that she's in need of therapy to find out why. Who cares? I was that woman, always questioning why I seemed to be the only one who was into the relationship, wondering if I was weak and needy because I preferred to be in a relationship. After a few missteps, I found the right one.
You're a relationship-girl, and that's okay. It doesn't sound like this guy is in the same place as you, but since you're moving on soon, hey, why not have fun?
posted by sundrop at 7:20 PM on August 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Your current relationship with this guy sounds like a friends-with-benefits/fuckbuddy/your-preferred-term situation, albeit an affectionate one. When I think of "casual dating" I would expect to see someone a lot less than in a relationship, but participate in mostly the same activities (minus the mundane grocery shopping, etc.)
I guess the terminology doesn't matter, but if you are looking for a casual-dating relationship, I'd say you're feeling weird because this isn't one. If you meant something more along the lines of "casual encounters" then ... maybe your feelings for this guy just don't line up with the kind of relationship you were looking for.
He's probably mature enough (one hopes) that you could talk to him about how you feel and what you would like to change without scaring him -- his response, of course, could be anything from just what you want to ... not that. Or you could put him in a "sex and in-bed-conversation partner" box, busy yourself with your friends, and see how that goes.
posted by lilbizou at 8:53 PM on August 1, 2010
I guess the terminology doesn't matter, but if you are looking for a casual-dating relationship, I'd say you're feeling weird because this isn't one. If you meant something more along the lines of "casual encounters" then ... maybe your feelings for this guy just don't line up with the kind of relationship you were looking for.
He's probably mature enough (one hopes) that you could talk to him about how you feel and what you would like to change without scaring him -- his response, of course, could be anything from just what you want to ... not that. Or you could put him in a "sex and in-bed-conversation partner" box, busy yourself with your friends, and see how that goes.
posted by lilbizou at 8:53 PM on August 1, 2010
"I want a casual relationship, but am having a hard time lining up my feelings with the situation. I’m ok with just going over for sex, but … I don’t really know why I am feeling weird right now."
You're feeling weird because you're actually not ok with just going over for sex. That's why you feel sad shortly thereafter. You want something more. You want a relationship, and that's 100% A-OK. You want sex too, but your heart is trying to tell you something. It's ok to listen. Give it a listen.
Best of luck.
posted by 2oh1 at 9:28 PM on August 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're feeling weird because you're actually not ok with just going over for sex. That's why you feel sad shortly thereafter. You want something more. You want a relationship, and that's 100% A-OK. You want sex too, but your heart is trying to tell you something. It's ok to listen. Give it a listen.
Best of luck.
posted by 2oh1 at 9:28 PM on August 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
There are any number of ways to define "casual relationship" and it seems entirely reasonable for someone to define them as being more than meeting for sex.
The guy made time to go out before and he can do it again. I can believe it feels like bait and switch--"We can do things you enjoy and then have sex, but now it's just sex."--and maybe that doesn't sit well?
Feels reasonable to relate that you're not looking for the whole enchilada or anything close, but the change to a sex-only relationship doesn't sit well.
posted by ambient2 at 10:06 PM on August 1, 2010
The guy made time to go out before and he can do it again. I can believe it feels like bait and switch--"We can do things you enjoy and then have sex, but now it's just sex."--and maybe that doesn't sit well?
Feels reasonable to relate that you're not looking for the whole enchilada or anything close, but the change to a sex-only relationship doesn't sit well.
posted by ambient2 at 10:06 PM on August 1, 2010
I agree with 2oh1 and I was also in a similar situation as you. It was really, really hard for me to admit to myself that I couldn't be a cool FWB girl. Although I have no problem with doing a one-night thing, and I'm currently in a great longterm relationship, I just could not combine the best of both worlds. The only thing I regret about this realization is that I wish I had made it sooner.
posted by girlmightlive at 2:07 PM on August 2, 2010
posted by girlmightlive at 2:07 PM on August 2, 2010
Why do you want a casual relationship? I'm guessing it's because you want to be in a relationship, but you know you're going to move away. You don't seem that excited about this guy, though, except for the great sex you have. It's totally fine if fantastic sex is not enough for you, and it's totally fine to choose to be single if you can't have the kind of relationship you want right now. I also gave the casual thing a shot after getting divorced last year, and it really wasn't for me even though I tried my best to play the part. Being single would've been better -- I was just acting out of habit in a way, since I'd been with someone for so long. Maybe you feel hesitant to be on your own after being in serious, long-term relationships for most of your adult life. I would suggest trying to be single for a while. If you don't want to give up on your casual relationship yet, talk to your guy and explain that you'd like a few weeks to sort out what's best for you relationship-wise. If work is his first priority, he'll likely be very understanding that you want to focus on yourself for a while.
posted by spinto at 9:50 AM on August 3, 2010
posted by spinto at 9:50 AM on August 3, 2010
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Are you sad that you don't have the opportunity to share adventures together because he's so busy?
Are you sad that you are missing out on stuff you want to do? Do you feel stir crazy or isolated?
Are you sad because you feel like he's not giving you what you need?
posted by Sara C. at 4:53 PM on August 1, 2010