How can I help my three kids adjust to my plans to move in with my girlfriend?
July 9, 2010 10:51 AM Subscribe
How can I help my three kids adjust to my plans to move in with my girlfriend? Specifically, how important is alone time with dad?
Some relevant background, sorry for the length. Please share your thoughts, especially any relevant experiences as a child whose parents divorced.
My 16-year marriage ended almost two years ago, by mutual agreement. I got an apartment and have been caring for my three children, aged 8-13, three days a week since then.
My girlfriend, soon to be fiance, has two children. My kids learned of her, and met her and her kids 10 months ago. They mostly get along and play together but they also fight like kids at times. My kids like my girlfriend a lot. But when she verbally reprimands her kids, it's very stressful for them.
My kids and her kids have spent a lot of time together over the last six months. About 75 percent of the time I have my kids, my girlfriend and her kids are at my place, or we've been at my girlfriend's house, which is generally a kid-friendly place. Lots of books and toys, crafts, things to do, a big yard. There's also nooks and places where they can get away from the hubbub if they want.
My kids have spent the night there about 10 times so far. When that happens my younger son and daughter share bedrooms with my girlfriend's kids, and my older daughter gets a basement room to herself. So far they have generally accepted the sleeping arrangements, and told me they're OK with them, though they have told their mom, my ex, that they're stressed out, because they feel like they're on someone else's turf.
I plan to propose to my girlfriend in a month, and have told my children so. I expect to then move in with her. I hope this will give us a little time to adjust before school starts again. I have told my children that after moving in with my girlfriend, we will look for a house that better accommodates all of us.
Naturally, my kids don't want me to move into her house and have them live with me there for our three days a week. They like hanging out in my apartment or doing stuff with me. But I very much want to move forward with my girlfriend. I want to be with her. And I want to start saving for a house. For three days a week we will be five children and two adults, so we need a bigger place, even though I can't afford a six-bedroom house.
I have told my ex, the custodial parent, about my plans. She has been neutral, and mildly supportive in telling our kids they will learn how to deal with the new situation. Since our split, the ex and I have been cooperating in identifying problems the kids are having, and trying to respond to them.
So here are the questions:
1. What can I do to help my children settle in to a crowded house?
We are reconfiguring the bedrooms at my girlfriend's so the sharers will have a bed, dedicated dresser and drawers for their stuff. But for a year and a half they've had rooms at my apartment, except for my son, who shares with me. It's got to feel like a loss to them but I can't create more rooms.
2. How important is alone time with dad?
I am concerned that after this time with me, it will feel like my moving in with my girlfriend is abandoning them, bringing them into a much more restrictive place, with other kids and other people's rules.
I'm thinking about how I can carve out time when it's just me and my kids. How much time would it take to have a beneficial effect? Would taking my kids out to dinner once a month or so, just the four of us, be at all helpful? It would at least be official "us" time.
Before the split, I would sometimes take a weekend and travel with one kid, just the two of us. It would take a lot of planning, and patience on my girlfriend's part, but maybe I can start taking those weekenders again.
throwaway email: worried_father@yahoo.com
Some relevant background, sorry for the length. Please share your thoughts, especially any relevant experiences as a child whose parents divorced.
My 16-year marriage ended almost two years ago, by mutual agreement. I got an apartment and have been caring for my three children, aged 8-13, three days a week since then.
My girlfriend, soon to be fiance, has two children. My kids learned of her, and met her and her kids 10 months ago. They mostly get along and play together but they also fight like kids at times. My kids like my girlfriend a lot. But when she verbally reprimands her kids, it's very stressful for them.
My kids and her kids have spent a lot of time together over the last six months. About 75 percent of the time I have my kids, my girlfriend and her kids are at my place, or we've been at my girlfriend's house, which is generally a kid-friendly place. Lots of books and toys, crafts, things to do, a big yard. There's also nooks and places where they can get away from the hubbub if they want.
My kids have spent the night there about 10 times so far. When that happens my younger son and daughter share bedrooms with my girlfriend's kids, and my older daughter gets a basement room to herself. So far they have generally accepted the sleeping arrangements, and told me they're OK with them, though they have told their mom, my ex, that they're stressed out, because they feel like they're on someone else's turf.
I plan to propose to my girlfriend in a month, and have told my children so. I expect to then move in with her. I hope this will give us a little time to adjust before school starts again. I have told my children that after moving in with my girlfriend, we will look for a house that better accommodates all of us.
Naturally, my kids don't want me to move into her house and have them live with me there for our three days a week. They like hanging out in my apartment or doing stuff with me. But I very much want to move forward with my girlfriend. I want to be with her. And I want to start saving for a house. For three days a week we will be five children and two adults, so we need a bigger place, even though I can't afford a six-bedroom house.
I have told my ex, the custodial parent, about my plans. She has been neutral, and mildly supportive in telling our kids they will learn how to deal with the new situation. Since our split, the ex and I have been cooperating in identifying problems the kids are having, and trying to respond to them.
So here are the questions:
1. What can I do to help my children settle in to a crowded house?
We are reconfiguring the bedrooms at my girlfriend's so the sharers will have a bed, dedicated dresser and drawers for their stuff. But for a year and a half they've had rooms at my apartment, except for my son, who shares with me. It's got to feel like a loss to them but I can't create more rooms.
2. How important is alone time with dad?
I am concerned that after this time with me, it will feel like my moving in with my girlfriend is abandoning them, bringing them into a much more restrictive place, with other kids and other people's rules.
I'm thinking about how I can carve out time when it's just me and my kids. How much time would it take to have a beneficial effect? Would taking my kids out to dinner once a month or so, just the four of us, be at all helpful? It would at least be official "us" time.
Before the split, I would sometimes take a weekend and travel with one kid, just the two of us. It would take a lot of planning, and patience on my girlfriend's part, but maybe I can start taking those weekenders again.
throwaway email: worried_father@yahoo.com
I can only speak from my childhood experience as I am not a parent.
First, the fact that you are thinking about these things puts you a big step above a lot of people out there, your kids are lucky to have a dad who takes the time to figure out their needs.
1) I think this is a tough one as they are moving into new territory and in all honesty it is going to feel like they don't have a space that is "theirs" at the new place. If it were possible it would be good to set aside some space that they can decorate and work with as they please so that they can take some ownership of the place but I am not sure if this is possible. If your two younger kids don't mind sharing with one another that might be a good way to approach the situation as they can then at least have a shared space together that is theirs to retreat into if they feel stressed or need some time.
2) This is the question that I think is really important. Given their age, your kids are probably going to feel less comfortable talking about certain issues in the group situation or with your girlfriend then they would if it were just you and them. I would make lots of alone time with Dad up front. This will give them the opportunity to talk to you and work out any problems they are having in the new situation and really just to spend time with Dad, who they enjoy being around. Your attention to them should be more than you anticipate them needing. I would even try to make a Dad and kids alone day once each week. Take them out and make sure its a few hours so that if they have anything to talk to you about they can get it out. I remember being a kid and wanting to say something to a parent but only having brief opportunities to do so in the car between places or when someone left the room for a few minutes. This was stressful. After my parents divorced my mom took me hiking once a week and it was amazing. It gave me a few hours to really get any feelings or thoughts out that I normally wouldn't have time to build up to talking about. Along these lines the weekenders sound great as well!
With your girlfriend, I think that this would be relatively easy to work out because on those days she could have some alone time with her kids, who are also going through changes in their lives as well.
Good luck and just remember to talk to them, mostly listen and keep giving them that time with you that they want. In a few years they will be disappearing with their friends so its good to enjoy it while you can. I hope things go well!
posted by occidental at 11:15 AM on July 9, 2010
First, the fact that you are thinking about these things puts you a big step above a lot of people out there, your kids are lucky to have a dad who takes the time to figure out their needs.
1) I think this is a tough one as they are moving into new territory and in all honesty it is going to feel like they don't have a space that is "theirs" at the new place. If it were possible it would be good to set aside some space that they can decorate and work with as they please so that they can take some ownership of the place but I am not sure if this is possible. If your two younger kids don't mind sharing with one another that might be a good way to approach the situation as they can then at least have a shared space together that is theirs to retreat into if they feel stressed or need some time.
2) This is the question that I think is really important. Given their age, your kids are probably going to feel less comfortable talking about certain issues in the group situation or with your girlfriend then they would if it were just you and them. I would make lots of alone time with Dad up front. This will give them the opportunity to talk to you and work out any problems they are having in the new situation and really just to spend time with Dad, who they enjoy being around. Your attention to them should be more than you anticipate them needing. I would even try to make a Dad and kids alone day once each week. Take them out and make sure its a few hours so that if they have anything to talk to you about they can get it out. I remember being a kid and wanting to say something to a parent but only having brief opportunities to do so in the car between places or when someone left the room for a few minutes. This was stressful. After my parents divorced my mom took me hiking once a week and it was amazing. It gave me a few hours to really get any feelings or thoughts out that I normally wouldn't have time to build up to talking about. Along these lines the weekenders sound great as well!
With your girlfriend, I think that this would be relatively easy to work out because on those days she could have some alone time with her kids, who are also going through changes in their lives as well.
Good luck and just remember to talk to them, mostly listen and keep giving them that time with you that they want. In a few years they will be disappearing with their friends so its good to enjoy it while you can. I hope things go well!
posted by occidental at 11:15 AM on July 9, 2010
I grew up in a similar situation, with less frequent visits.
If your stepkids live with you two all the time, it's going to be hard for your kids to feel like anything but guests, even in the new big house. Dedicated dresser drawers are a good idea, but can you go a step further and give them foot lockers? I think this would provide a certain sense of security - i.e., not imagining that their stepsiblings have the run of the entire house and everything in it when they are at Mom's.
Do try to take trips and short outings with just your own kids. I know that you are also going to need to create a greater sense of "blended family" and everyone being equal, and that's necessary. But keep in mind that your stepkids have more access to you on a weekly basis than your own kids do, so your own kids are going to want special time with you. I think special outings might be the way to make it seem fair, in their minds.
In spite of that, I think you and your bride-to-be should also try to foster closeness between the two sets of children. Hopefully, over the years, they will grow closer and form their own relationships with each other. But this will be hard if one set perceives the other set to be getting more time, attention, and financial resources.
You might not have time to achieve all this plus individual vacations with your kids, although it's a great idea if you can do it. As they enter their teens, the time they expect to spend with you will ease off a bit as other social events enter the picture.
Congratulations on your new relationship!
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:19 AM on July 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
If your stepkids live with you two all the time, it's going to be hard for your kids to feel like anything but guests, even in the new big house. Dedicated dresser drawers are a good idea, but can you go a step further and give them foot lockers? I think this would provide a certain sense of security - i.e., not imagining that their stepsiblings have the run of the entire house and everything in it when they are at Mom's.
Do try to take trips and short outings with just your own kids. I know that you are also going to need to create a greater sense of "blended family" and everyone being equal, and that's necessary. But keep in mind that your stepkids have more access to you on a weekly basis than your own kids do, so your own kids are going to want special time with you. I think special outings might be the way to make it seem fair, in their minds.
In spite of that, I think you and your bride-to-be should also try to foster closeness between the two sets of children. Hopefully, over the years, they will grow closer and form their own relationships with each other. But this will be hard if one set perceives the other set to be getting more time, attention, and financial resources.
You might not have time to achieve all this plus individual vacations with your kids, although it's a great idea if you can do it. As they enter their teens, the time they expect to spend with you will ease off a bit as other social events enter the picture.
Congratulations on your new relationship!
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:19 AM on July 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Alone time with dad is more important than you can possibly imagine. It's vital that your children know they are still special to you and not being replaced by other kids. It's a tough time especially for little ones who don't understand all the dynamics of the situation.
My ex-husband remarried 14-15 years ago and gained three stepkids. He insisted on shared family time and sadly, neglected one on one time with his own child. I think he thought it would detract from the family unit he was trying to establish. My child is 20+ and remembers feeling abandoned and overlooked by Dad and since has established a very distant, minimal relationship with him.
Spend time with your kids, they really need you.
posted by Allee Katze at 11:23 AM on July 9, 2010 [7 favorites]
My ex-husband remarried 14-15 years ago and gained three stepkids. He insisted on shared family time and sadly, neglected one on one time with his own child. I think he thought it would detract from the family unit he was trying to establish. My child is 20+ and remembers feeling abandoned and overlooked by Dad and since has established a very distant, minimal relationship with him.
Spend time with your kids, they really need you.
posted by Allee Katze at 11:23 AM on July 9, 2010 [7 favorites]
As a child of divorce who's parents both remarried people with kids, I can tell you it is stressful. My parents divorced when I was 4 months old. I have 2 older brothers and an older sister. We saw our dad every other weekend. I felt that I had to fight for both my mom and dad's attention. Then when my mom got really serious with my now step dad, I felt like I had even more people I had to fight to get attention from my mom. We lived in a 3 bedroom apartment. My step dad moved in with us, while his son and daughter came over every other weekend. My mom made it so his kids and me and my siblings were always together on the the same weekends. I really wish my mom would have given us some time with just her, without involving his kids. I cried at their wedding. After they married we moved into a condo and I had to share a room with my step sister who is 6 years older than me every other weekend. Eventually I got comfortable with them, however I still thought it was unfair that I had 3 more people that I had to fight to get my mom's attention. My mom would often take my stepdad's side when he was punishing me. She rarely stood up for me.
My dad got remarried and I was excited, because I was getting 2 younger sisters. Then we found out my step mom was pregnant. So I would have 3 little sisters.
I am 26 now. My dad is divorced. My mom and step dad are still married. I look back on all of it and am grateful to have so many siblings. My stepdad gave my mom's kids experiences that my dad wasn't able to do.
Let your kids know that she is not replacing their mom. Set time aside for each of your kids for "dad and me" time. If the kids are going to share rooms with her kids then make it so they each have their own space in the rooms. It is not easy being a kid and watching your dad/mom giving someone other than you or your siblings the attention you usually get.
However, they will adjust to all of this. It is just going to take time, patience, and a lot of love.
(I was 11 when my mom remarried and 12 when my dad remarried.)
Good luck.
posted by zombiehoohaa at 11:24 AM on July 9, 2010
My dad got remarried and I was excited, because I was getting 2 younger sisters. Then we found out my step mom was pregnant. So I would have 3 little sisters.
I am 26 now. My dad is divorced. My mom and step dad are still married. I look back on all of it and am grateful to have so many siblings. My stepdad gave my mom's kids experiences that my dad wasn't able to do.
Let your kids know that she is not replacing their mom. Set time aside for each of your kids for "dad and me" time. If the kids are going to share rooms with her kids then make it so they each have their own space in the rooms. It is not easy being a kid and watching your dad/mom giving someone other than you or your siblings the attention you usually get.
However, they will adjust to all of this. It is just going to take time, patience, and a lot of love.
(I was 11 when my mom remarried and 12 when my dad remarried.)
Good luck.
posted by zombiehoohaa at 11:24 AM on July 9, 2010
I'd like to suggest not moving in with the girlfriend until there's a house that can accommodate your kids, with their own private place in the house. And make sure it stays theirs; the other kids don't share it when they're not there, the other kids don't go in there and root through their stuff, the other kids don't use it as extra storage space. If there's a bathroom that could be just for your kids, even better.
I imagine it might be hard to provide each kid their own room. If your younger two are young enough, maybe they could share a room; if they're not, perhaps they could share a room with a curtain or a wall screen or some other source of privacy that can be moved when not in use, so it doesn't take up too much room. If that's just not an option, perhaps the two girls could share a room.
If you ask the kids about something relating to this move and they express reservations, try to work with them to relieve those reservations. Don't just ignore them or assume they're blowing things out of proportion. Once you ask for their input, ignoring that input is a recipe for lifelong resentment. (Ask how I know.) You don't have to dramatically change to avoid their reservations, just show that you're taking them into account.
Occidental's suggestion that you take alone time with your kids, that is also time the girlfriend can spend alone with her kids, sounds like a really good one to me.
posted by galadriel at 11:33 AM on July 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
I imagine it might be hard to provide each kid their own room. If your younger two are young enough, maybe they could share a room; if they're not, perhaps they could share a room with a curtain or a wall screen or some other source of privacy that can be moved when not in use, so it doesn't take up too much room. If that's just not an option, perhaps the two girls could share a room.
If you ask the kids about something relating to this move and they express reservations, try to work with them to relieve those reservations. Don't just ignore them or assume they're blowing things out of proportion. Once you ask for their input, ignoring that input is a recipe for lifelong resentment. (Ask how I know.) You don't have to dramatically change to avoid their reservations, just show that you're taking them into account.
Occidental's suggestion that you take alone time with your kids, that is also time the girlfriend can spend alone with her kids, sounds like a really good one to me.
posted by galadriel at 11:33 AM on July 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Me again. The more I think about it, the more I think you've got to hit both levels.
One, dedicated time with you is so important. It will be tough for your kids if their stepsiblings get to see you every day and they don't.
But two, don't hold your kids apart from the other kids too much. It would be great if the stepsiblings could do things to welcome your kids. Stepkids paint name plates for your kids' rooms? Something like that to show they are thinking of them. Make sure you and your girlfriend have the stepkids make cards for your kids to recognize their birthdays. If you celebrate Christmas, hang stockings for your kids even if they aren't going to be at your house Christmas morning, because they will be happy to see the stockings with their names on them.
Probably one of the more difficult things for me growing up in this situation was to feel like my stepsiblings didn't note my existence apart from my visits. I feel like the parents could have done a better job of including me in their household and getting my stepsiblings excited about seeing me.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:34 AM on July 9, 2010
One, dedicated time with you is so important. It will be tough for your kids if their stepsiblings get to see you every day and they don't.
But two, don't hold your kids apart from the other kids too much. It would be great if the stepsiblings could do things to welcome your kids. Stepkids paint name plates for your kids' rooms? Something like that to show they are thinking of them. Make sure you and your girlfriend have the stepkids make cards for your kids to recognize their birthdays. If you celebrate Christmas, hang stockings for your kids even if they aren't going to be at your house Christmas morning, because they will be happy to see the stockings with their names on them.
Probably one of the more difficult things for me growing up in this situation was to feel like my stepsiblings didn't note my existence apart from my visits. I feel like the parents could have done a better job of including me in their household and getting my stepsiblings excited about seeing me.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:34 AM on July 9, 2010
I'm thinking about how I can carve out time when it's just me and my kids. How much time would it take to have a beneficial effect?
Just take one or more of your kids with you when you run to the store, for example. Or have lunch with them on their school lunch break. Ask your son to come hold the bucket of nails while you repair the fence. It doesn't have to be "kid-centered fun-fun-fun" every single time. Involving them in your daily life, chores, and activities speaks much louder than a once-a-month dinner.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:46 AM on July 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just take one or more of your kids with you when you run to the store, for example. Or have lunch with them on their school lunch break. Ask your son to come hold the bucket of nails while you repair the fence. It doesn't have to be "kid-centered fun-fun-fun" every single time. Involving them in your daily life, chores, and activities speaks much louder than a once-a-month dinner.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:46 AM on July 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Here are some starter tips from Smartmarriages for step parents.
Avail yourselves of some step family education classes or resources ASAP. Run, don't walk. You need to level-set expectations and rules and also aquire some communication skills as a step-parent and spouse to a step-parent.
Here's the deal -- not just any relationship course will do. Step familes are different in very key ways and relationship/parenting advice that is given to "regular" couples can do real harm to step families. Get Step Family classes.
First rule: There is no such thing as a "blended family." Make it okay and safe to express all feelings associated with merging households. Don't pressure kids to pretend that these changes are not upsetting or traumatic in certain ways. You need to model and teach communication skills that will allow them to express all feelings like "You're not my mother/father!" in an effective way. Don't push your kids or your girlfriend to act like a blended family.
Next rule: Your kids absolutely must come first! They need alone time with dad, most definitely and as a high priority. The standard parenting advice is that parents should put their relationship first so that the kids will feel more secure. This is reversed for step families. Putting your relationship first will make your kids feel less secure and resentful of you and your girlfriend.
Another: You two are not co-equal parents to the kids. The "lead" parent is the one whose bio kid is being addressed. The partner/spouse is backup. Do not expect to discipline her kids or vice versa. And you two need to do some pretty serious communicating on house rules that the two of you are going to enforce with your own kids. Neither one of you can sit back and let the otehr one enforce rules. Bad Cop, Good Cop does nto work in step families. And, as the step parent, you should never ever let yourself become the good cop. back your spouse 100 percent, even if you disagree...
And there are a million more things that need to be worked out over time. Like what the kids call you and her. And how to deal with the other parents. And grandparents. And...
So please do yourselves a Big Favor. Get some StepFamily education quickly and get connected with a support group of similar more experienced step families. Make it a wedding present to everybody.
My best wishes to you and yours. I hope you all grow and thrive.
posted by cross_impact at 1:23 PM on July 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Avail yourselves of some step family education classes or resources ASAP. Run, don't walk. You need to level-set expectations and rules and also aquire some communication skills as a step-parent and spouse to a step-parent.
Here's the deal -- not just any relationship course will do. Step familes are different in very key ways and relationship/parenting advice that is given to "regular" couples can do real harm to step families. Get Step Family classes.
First rule: There is no such thing as a "blended family." Make it okay and safe to express all feelings associated with merging households. Don't pressure kids to pretend that these changes are not upsetting or traumatic in certain ways. You need to model and teach communication skills that will allow them to express all feelings like "You're not my mother/father!" in an effective way. Don't push your kids or your girlfriend to act like a blended family.
Next rule: Your kids absolutely must come first! They need alone time with dad, most definitely and as a high priority. The standard parenting advice is that parents should put their relationship first so that the kids will feel more secure. This is reversed for step families. Putting your relationship first will make your kids feel less secure and resentful of you and your girlfriend.
Another: You two are not co-equal parents to the kids. The "lead" parent is the one whose bio kid is being addressed. The partner/spouse is backup. Do not expect to discipline her kids or vice versa. And you two need to do some pretty serious communicating on house rules that the two of you are going to enforce with your own kids. Neither one of you can sit back and let the otehr one enforce rules. Bad Cop, Good Cop does nto work in step families. And, as the step parent, you should never ever let yourself become the good cop. back your spouse 100 percent, even if you disagree...
And there are a million more things that need to be worked out over time. Like what the kids call you and her. And how to deal with the other parents. And grandparents. And...
So please do yourselves a Big Favor. Get some StepFamily education quickly and get connected with a support group of similar more experienced step families. Make it a wedding present to everybody.
My best wishes to you and yours. I hope you all grow and thrive.
posted by cross_impact at 1:23 PM on July 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Naturally, my kids don't want me to move into her house and have them live with me there for our three days a week. They like hanging out in my apartment or doing stuff with me. But I very much want to move forward with my girlfriend. I want to be with her. And I want to start saving for a house. For three days a week we will be five children and two adults, so we need a bigger place, even though I can't afford a six-bedroom house.
I'm not a parent, and I do realize that one can't negotiate every decision with eight-year-olds. But I would recognize the immensity of this decision on them and take their feelings into account.
To be a bit blunt, the paragraph above made me a bit frustrated on their behalf. "Naturally, my kids don't want [this], but ... I want... I want... I want." This sounds like disregard for their emotions and wishes. Yes, parents have to take control sometimes ("no, you CANNOT stick the fork in that outlet") but that's when it's in their best interests, not to achieve your own desires at their expense. (I realize there's also a gray area.)
A huge override of what they want seems like a bad way forward. Can you talk to them about their reservations, and involve them in figuring out a plan that works for you and for them? Again, I'm not a parent, but I do know parents who would try to find a way to include them more in figuring out the best way forward.
posted by salvia at 1:59 PM on July 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm not a parent, and I do realize that one can't negotiate every decision with eight-year-olds. But I would recognize the immensity of this decision on them and take their feelings into account.
To be a bit blunt, the paragraph above made me a bit frustrated on their behalf. "Naturally, my kids don't want [this], but ... I want... I want... I want." This sounds like disregard for their emotions and wishes. Yes, parents have to take control sometimes ("no, you CANNOT stick the fork in that outlet") but that's when it's in their best interests, not to achieve your own desires at their expense. (I realize there's also a gray area.)
A huge override of what they want seems like a bad way forward. Can you talk to them about their reservations, and involve them in figuring out a plan that works for you and for them? Again, I'm not a parent, but I do know parents who would try to find a way to include them more in figuring out the best way forward.
posted by salvia at 1:59 PM on July 9, 2010 [3 favorites]
Honestly, this sounds pretty awful for your kids even if they like your girlfriend. I think at the very least you need to let them know that's it's ok if they don't want to come visit you as much. When I was a kid I was miserable being in my stepmother's household even though there was plenty of room. Parents can put a lot of pressure on their children to play "happy family" even when they are miserable, so you really need to express to them that you will not be hurt or angry if they tell you they are unhappy or that they don't want to come and visit enough. And you need to really not be hurt or angry if they don't want to visit as much or are unhappy. Kids pick up on this.
They have already told their mother they are not happy and they have told you they don't want to move in with her. You really need to listen to this rather than try to put a band aid on the situation by spending a little more alone time with them. You seem to try and paint this picture of what a great house your girlfriend has. Fun things to do and place to get away, etc. As if you are trying to say hey look at all this stuff, a kid should like it here and then ignoring the fact that they are telling you and their mother they are stressed out and don't want to move there.
There isn't enough room for your kids in the house. They already told you they don't like being there and you spend the vast majority of your time with the girlfriend and her kids. Your kids are obviously not ready yet for you to move in with her and her kids. I don't think you need to take them out for a monthly dinner, I think you need to listen to what they are explicitly telling you and what they aren't explicitly telling you, but are telling their mother. It may not be what you want to hear, but I think that's your answer.
If you absolutely insist on moving in with her full time, I would get everyone into therapy. Especially you and the girlfriend. Having my dad and stepmother go to therapy is the only thing that really helped me. Having a neutral third party tell them that I had some legitimate grievances was what they needed in order to change their behavior and the way they ran their house so I felt a lot more comfortable.
posted by whoaali at 4:35 PM on July 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
They have already told their mother they are not happy and they have told you they don't want to move in with her. You really need to listen to this rather than try to put a band aid on the situation by spending a little more alone time with them. You seem to try and paint this picture of what a great house your girlfriend has. Fun things to do and place to get away, etc. As if you are trying to say hey look at all this stuff, a kid should like it here and then ignoring the fact that they are telling you and their mother they are stressed out and don't want to move there.
There isn't enough room for your kids in the house. They already told you they don't like being there and you spend the vast majority of your time with the girlfriend and her kids. Your kids are obviously not ready yet for you to move in with her and her kids. I don't think you need to take them out for a monthly dinner, I think you need to listen to what they are explicitly telling you and what they aren't explicitly telling you, but are telling their mother. It may not be what you want to hear, but I think that's your answer.
If you absolutely insist on moving in with her full time, I would get everyone into therapy. Especially you and the girlfriend. Having my dad and stepmother go to therapy is the only thing that really helped me. Having a neutral third party tell them that I had some legitimate grievances was what they needed in order to change their behavior and the way they ran their house so I felt a lot more comfortable.
posted by whoaali at 4:35 PM on July 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm also feeling uneasy about you wanting to cram your kids into her house so quickly, especially when they're voicing problems with the situation already. They're already used to having to share you with her and her kids 75% when they're with you, they really need time to spend with you in a place that they feel is theirs. They need to be able to hang out in a space with you that isn't just "going out," but that feels like home.
Also, unless you're planning on having your children only three days a week until they head off on their own, you should be prepared for the fact that the house could be crowded for even longer.
If you absolutely must move in, the house needs to not just be your girlfriend's house and your girlfriends rules, but something agreed upon by the both of you so your kids don't feel they're living in someone else's place that's not really theirs.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 6:22 PM on July 9, 2010
Also, unless you're planning on having your children only three days a week until they head off on their own, you should be prepared for the fact that the house could be crowded for even longer.
If you absolutely must move in, the house needs to not just be your girlfriend's house and your girlfriends rules, but something agreed upon by the both of you so your kids don't feel they're living in someone else's place that's not really theirs.
posted by Wuggie Norple at 6:22 PM on July 9, 2010
I'm going to come at this from the angle of an adult whose parents divorced when she was four (and lived through 5 blended families, and they ALL sucked) and also as a divorced mom who is single-handedly raising three kids (18, 16, 11 and was married 17 years, divorced for the last 6).
I want to make sure I'm reading your post right, so I apologize if I've misinterpreted you.
By the timeline you've set, your kids grew up with you and their mom their entire lives, and then they had about a year of adjusting to living a few days with you and a few days with their mom. So they pretty much had their lives blow up.
After a year of adjusting to that, you not only introduced your girlfriend and her kids, but actually spent 75% of the time that used to be just you and your kids to now a faux-blended family.
If I have this right, (forgive me for the candor) you need to slow down.
First, if you were married for 16 years, you are not ready to get remarried 2 years after the divorce. You may think you are, but you're probably not.
(Gross overgeneralization follows): It often seems that this is the situation after divorce, and this is the situation that will really f*ck up the kids: Dad remarries too soon and expects everyone to be really happy that he's in love (!) and he's so happy (!). Your kids don't care. They want you, not a new family.
Remarrying 2 years after a 16 year marriage? Emotionally at this point, you're probably good to date. You're not good to remarry.
Next, you've really spent 75% of your visitation time with your girlfriend and her kids? Oh man, if I was your kid, I'd be pretty pissed off, Dad.
Excuse the harshness (but you asked for advice): As your kid, you're giving me one message here: Dad found a better family, and now if I want to be with my own father, I have to share him with the woman who is not my mother and her kids (who see my dad more than I do). He's my dad and he should be living with me, not them. And every time I see dad, his girlfriend and her kids are around, so obviously Dad doesn't want to even be alone with me. And now, if I want to see Dad, I have to go to her house and hang out with this lady and her kids? This sucks.
I've been your kid, and if you go ahead as you plan, the above is the only message they'll be getting from you, unfortunately.
What I'm saying is: please consider slowing down. Please see your kids without your girlfriend and most definitely without her kids.
Keep your kids your #1 priority. It may change the path of your relationship with your gf, but if she's worth keeping, she'll understand that you're a father first and her bf second.
posted by dzaz at 3:49 AM on July 10, 2010 [11 favorites]
I want to make sure I'm reading your post right, so I apologize if I've misinterpreted you.
By the timeline you've set, your kids grew up with you and their mom their entire lives, and then they had about a year of adjusting to living a few days with you and a few days with their mom. So they pretty much had their lives blow up.
After a year of adjusting to that, you not only introduced your girlfriend and her kids, but actually spent 75% of the time that used to be just you and your kids to now a faux-blended family.
If I have this right, (forgive me for the candor) you need to slow down.
First, if you were married for 16 years, you are not ready to get remarried 2 years after the divorce. You may think you are, but you're probably not.
(Gross overgeneralization follows): It often seems that this is the situation after divorce, and this is the situation that will really f*ck up the kids: Dad remarries too soon and expects everyone to be really happy that he's in love (!) and he's so happy (!). Your kids don't care. They want you, not a new family.
Remarrying 2 years after a 16 year marriage? Emotionally at this point, you're probably good to date. You're not good to remarry.
Next, you've really spent 75% of your visitation time with your girlfriend and her kids? Oh man, if I was your kid, I'd be pretty pissed off, Dad.
Excuse the harshness (but you asked for advice): As your kid, you're giving me one message here: Dad found a better family, and now if I want to be with my own father, I have to share him with the woman who is not my mother and her kids (who see my dad more than I do). He's my dad and he should be living with me, not them. And every time I see dad, his girlfriend and her kids are around, so obviously Dad doesn't want to even be alone with me. And now, if I want to see Dad, I have to go to her house and hang out with this lady and her kids? This sucks.
I've been your kid, and if you go ahead as you plan, the above is the only message they'll be getting from you, unfortunately.
What I'm saying is: please consider slowing down. Please see your kids without your girlfriend and most definitely without her kids.
Keep your kids your #1 priority. It may change the path of your relationship with your gf, but if she's worth keeping, she'll understand that you're a father first and her bf second.
posted by dzaz at 3:49 AM on July 10, 2010 [11 favorites]
I plan to propose to my girlfriend in a month, and have told my children so. I expect to then move in with her. I hope this will give us a little time to adjust before school starts again. I have told my children that after moving in with my girlfriend, we will look for a house that better accommodates all of us.
Dude. You want to propose at the start of August and have everyone all moved in and happily adjusted by the start of September? SLOW DOWN. This takes time, and you're already hitting speed bumps.
How long will it take to save up for and find a new house? Do your kids understand that by agreeing to this, they're potentially signing up for 1–2 years (optimistically) in a house they feel uncomfortable in? Regardless of how kid-friendly it is, it's the home of a family they only met 10 months ago, not their home. Not their turf. Not somewhere they can let their hair down. Not somewhere they can talk to you freely without worrying about your girlfriend and her kids overhearing. If I were a kid aged 8–13, I highly doubt I would understand how long it takes to save for and find a house, let alone a 6-bedroom house, in this economy. Do you understand the sacrifice you're asking them to make? Do they?
If you were my dad, your pushing us into the new blended family so quick would feel like I was a tag-along part of the family you hadn't quite manage to shake yet, not like one of your priorities. It would be extremely distressing to feel "not on my own turf" every time I saw my dad. If you must move in with your girlfriend, you need to do it in a way that puts your kids first. It sounds like that means it will need to be slower, and there will need to be a space in the house that is their turf.
I just hope none of your kids are introverts, because the combination of not-your-turf plus no-space-to-yourself would have been terrible for me as a kid.
posted by heatherann at 10:02 AM on July 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dude. You want to propose at the start of August and have everyone all moved in and happily adjusted by the start of September? SLOW DOWN. This takes time, and you're already hitting speed bumps.
How long will it take to save up for and find a new house? Do your kids understand that by agreeing to this, they're potentially signing up for 1–2 years (optimistically) in a house they feel uncomfortable in? Regardless of how kid-friendly it is, it's the home of a family they only met 10 months ago, not their home. Not their turf. Not somewhere they can let their hair down. Not somewhere they can talk to you freely without worrying about your girlfriend and her kids overhearing. If I were a kid aged 8–13, I highly doubt I would understand how long it takes to save for and find a house, let alone a 6-bedroom house, in this economy. Do you understand the sacrifice you're asking them to make? Do they?
If you were my dad, your pushing us into the new blended family so quick would feel like I was a tag-along part of the family you hadn't quite manage to shake yet, not like one of your priorities. It would be extremely distressing to feel "not on my own turf" every time I saw my dad. If you must move in with your girlfriend, you need to do it in a way that puts your kids first. It sounds like that means it will need to be slower, and there will need to be a space in the house that is their turf.
I just hope none of your kids are introverts, because the combination of not-your-turf plus no-space-to-yourself would have been terrible for me as a kid.
posted by heatherann at 10:02 AM on July 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
About 75 percent of the time I have my kids, my girlfriend and her kids are at my place, or we've been at my girlfriend's house
My question is, why? You can be with your girlfriend 100% of the time that you don’t have your kids, so why the need to spend so much time with her when you do have them? If I was your child, I’d probably resent all the time spent with your girlfriend and her family. Less than 2 years ago your kids saw you every single day. Now they see you 3 days a week...but 75% of that is with the girlfriend...so really your kids get to spend less than one day alone per week with you, between the 3 of them? This just doesn’t seem fair. If they’ve told their mom that they feel stressed out with the situation, you should listen. In fact, you mentioned twice in your post that your kids are stressed out. I know this isn’t practical advice on solving the space situation, but I would say slow down.
Also, if kids must share rooms, it would probably be much better if the siblings shared with each other rather than having to share with your girlfriend's kids. You don't mention the kids ages or sexes but it could probably done unless the kids in question are teenagers.
posted by yawper at 11:06 AM on July 9, 2010 [2 favorites]