How do You Give People Time to Work on Their Issues and Stay Connected?
July 6, 2010 5:33 AM Subscribe
Am I just being a patsy here? Follow-up to this question. Do I give this relationship more time, cut and run, or are there other options I'm not considering?
Basic background: LDR (about 3 hour drive) for about a year between my (I've got 3 kids) and Mr. Wonderful (1 kid).
Together, we're great.
With my kids and him, we're great.
But his kid has issues that present as severe behavioral problems that are disturbing to be around.
3 months ago, he was going to have neuro-psychiatric testing done to start the ball rolling on getting her (and him) help. Due to illness, the appointment was cancelled, life got in the way, people got the flu, work got crazy busy, (her behavior normalized for a while so he hoped maybe it was just a phase she had outgrown); for a handful of reasons, the evaluation wasn't done.
In the meantime, we've been getting together almost every weekend with our kids (we stay with them, they stay with us).
These visits became increasingly stressful because of her behavior (and it boils down to this: she behaves like a very cranky 2 year old except that she is absolutely relentless. He responds to her completely appropriately but she just never gives up (so if she doesn't get her way about ice cream, she starts screaming that she doesn't want to sit on the blue sofa, she wants the green chair...believe me...it's pretty nutty).
In short, me and my kids cannot stand being around her behavior. But him? We all like him a lot.
But after their last visit, I realized that I was letting her behavior ruin my weekends (and my kids, too. Also the BF, but that's not my problem).
So I gave him the "you need to get her evaluated now" talk. He agreed and made an appointment for him to see her pediatrician. The follow up from that appointment is the pediatrician will be seeing the 2 of them this week.
Here's my question: I really, really like this guy. There's a strong connection, shared values, everything. My kids adore him. He adores my kids. We imagine a future together. Personality-wise, I'm more of a rabbit, he's a tortoise, and I wonder if this is part of the reason I'm getting flummoxed. I just get shit done; he waits to see how things play out.
So after a false start 3 months ago, it looks like he's finally doing something to get her sorted.
But what do I do? As this is getting worked out, I still cannot stand being around this kid, but it looks like he's trying to get her (and himself) help. Do I tell him to keep me posted as the process gets underway? Wish him luck with his life?
I know his daughter will always be part of my life if we stay together. I can't figure out how to keep a connection with him as he works through this process.
Basic background: LDR (about 3 hour drive) for about a year between my (I've got 3 kids) and Mr. Wonderful (1 kid).
Together, we're great.
With my kids and him, we're great.
But his kid has issues that present as severe behavioral problems that are disturbing to be around.
3 months ago, he was going to have neuro-psychiatric testing done to start the ball rolling on getting her (and him) help. Due to illness, the appointment was cancelled, life got in the way, people got the flu, work got crazy busy, (her behavior normalized for a while so he hoped maybe it was just a phase she had outgrown); for a handful of reasons, the evaluation wasn't done.
In the meantime, we've been getting together almost every weekend with our kids (we stay with them, they stay with us).
These visits became increasingly stressful because of her behavior (and it boils down to this: she behaves like a very cranky 2 year old except that she is absolutely relentless. He responds to her completely appropriately but she just never gives up (so if she doesn't get her way about ice cream, she starts screaming that she doesn't want to sit on the blue sofa, she wants the green chair...believe me...it's pretty nutty).
In short, me and my kids cannot stand being around her behavior. But him? We all like him a lot.
But after their last visit, I realized that I was letting her behavior ruin my weekends (and my kids, too. Also the BF, but that's not my problem).
So I gave him the "you need to get her evaluated now" talk. He agreed and made an appointment for him to see her pediatrician. The follow up from that appointment is the pediatrician will be seeing the 2 of them this week.
Here's my question: I really, really like this guy. There's a strong connection, shared values, everything. My kids adore him. He adores my kids. We imagine a future together. Personality-wise, I'm more of a rabbit, he's a tortoise, and I wonder if this is part of the reason I'm getting flummoxed. I just get shit done; he waits to see how things play out.
So after a false start 3 months ago, it looks like he's finally doing something to get her sorted.
But what do I do? As this is getting worked out, I still cannot stand being around this kid, but it looks like he's trying to get her (and himself) help. Do I tell him to keep me posted as the process gets underway? Wish him luck with his life?
I know his daughter will always be part of my life if we stay together. I can't figure out how to keep a connection with him as he works through this process.
It sounds to me like you've been as understanding and sympathetic as possible.
At this point, it seems like him getting her help instead of the child herself is the obstacle. Make that -- his proactive solution-seeking -- the dealbreaker instead of the girl. He can't make her better, but if he's not willing to take at least some steps towards a solution (and a better life!) for her, then THOSE are the reasons to stop draining yourself on this relationship.
posted by motsque at 6:07 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
At this point, it seems like him getting her help instead of the child herself is the obstacle. Make that -- his proactive solution-seeking -- the dealbreaker instead of the girl. He can't make her better, but if he's not willing to take at least some steps towards a solution (and a better life!) for her, then THOSE are the reasons to stop draining yourself on this relationship.
posted by motsque at 6:07 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
He's finally gotten the ball rolling? Isn't that what you asked him to do? Are you thinking of leaving him now because it took him too long to fulfill a request of yours, now that it's in progress?
Keep in mind that these behavioral issues may not be something that can be addressed quickly, if at all. She could be like this for a long time. If his daughter is the deal-breaker, then break it off with him, because basing your relationship on him fixing her so that you can deal with her isn't something that's going to work.
posted by xingcat at 6:14 AM on July 6, 2010
Keep in mind that these behavioral issues may not be something that can be addressed quickly, if at all. She could be like this for a long time. If his daughter is the deal-breaker, then break it off with him, because basing your relationship on him fixing her so that you can deal with her isn't something that's going to work.
posted by xingcat at 6:14 AM on July 6, 2010
I think you continue with the LTR, but perhaps cut it back to every other weekend so you and your kids get some respite, everyone makes the drive only once a month, and your BF has a chance to work with his daughter one-on-one following up on whatever advice they get. That way you stay connected if things improve, but also start the withdrawal process if they don't.
I realize that you're a special needs teacher, but I wonder if some of her behavioral issues simply reflect a) wanting to spend more time receiving her father's full attention and b) loneliness since your kids are significantly older. She may feel rage at having no control over her life, inability to articulate needs/jealousy, etc. A few things may help fairly quickly: medication and age. She's ten, so the next 18 months will bring big changes, even if she suffers from low IQ/FAS.
Best of luck to you.
posted by carmicha at 6:38 AM on July 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I realize that you're a special needs teacher, but I wonder if some of her behavioral issues simply reflect a) wanting to spend more time receiving her father's full attention and b) loneliness since your kids are significantly older. She may feel rage at having no control over her life, inability to articulate needs/jealousy, etc. A few things may help fairly quickly: medication and age. She's ten, so the next 18 months will bring big changes, even if she suffers from low IQ/FAS.
Best of luck to you.
posted by carmicha at 6:38 AM on July 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
If this is a process that's taking years, what will it do to your kids? And you and your kids?
posted by ouke at 6:39 AM on July 6, 2010
posted by ouke at 6:39 AM on July 6, 2010
I don't get where the "patsy" idea comes from. Because you're staying despite a perceived lack of progress?
I think you have to watch out for micromanaging how your friend deals with his kid. Not saying you're doing that now, just that you sound like you're getting very frustrated with the details. Your professional experience may actually be causing a problem here in the sense that you have strong opinions about how things should be done. If you're going to be satisfied at all, I think it's just going to have to be by asking the question, "Is he making a good faith effort?" and finding that the answer is yes.
But then I am a very strong believer that kids a partner brings to a relationship are not your kids unless and until that is explicitly decided-- like you adopt them. You have the responsibility to treat them decently, but you don't really have rights. Sucks at times, but you can find someone who doesn't have kids or whose kids you like.
posted by BibiRose at 6:50 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you have to watch out for micromanaging how your friend deals with his kid. Not saying you're doing that now, just that you sound like you're getting very frustrated with the details. Your professional experience may actually be causing a problem here in the sense that you have strong opinions about how things should be done. If you're going to be satisfied at all, I think it's just going to have to be by asking the question, "Is he making a good faith effort?" and finding that the answer is yes.
But then I am a very strong believer that kids a partner brings to a relationship are not your kids unless and until that is explicitly decided-- like you adopt them. You have the responsibility to treat them decently, but you don't really have rights. Sucks at times, but you can find someone who doesn't have kids or whose kids you like.
posted by BibiRose at 6:50 AM on July 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
You know, unless you go back to casual dating that doesn't involve the kids, I don't see this working. Putting aside - I think your frustration and exhaustion on the issue is what gives me a less than sympathetic impression, and I completely understand that.
But your exact words, when you said straight out that you can't stand being around his daughter. I think that's your answer.
His daughter has huge problems. A visit to the pediatrician isn't going to "get her sorted". It's going to start them on a long road of treatment when her behavior will likely vary wildly between much better and much worse. It's not going to just be fixed or end, this is long term, maybe forever. If you want a future with him that's what that future will hold.
posted by lemniskate at 7:51 AM on July 6, 2010
But your exact words, when you said straight out that you can't stand being around his daughter. I think that's your answer.
His daughter has huge problems. A visit to the pediatrician isn't going to "get her sorted". It's going to start them on a long road of treatment when her behavior will likely vary wildly between much better and much worse. It's not going to just be fixed or end, this is long term, maybe forever. If you want a future with him that's what that future will hold.
posted by lemniskate at 7:51 AM on July 6, 2010
Hmm, I've been in your shoes, impatient with someone else's motivation to change. It's not always pleasant to be the person instigating improvement (the rabbit), and it can be a tough wait full of "will this ever change?" insecurity, but that doesn't mean it can't happen. It might not, but I'm just saying that your current frustration isn't an infallible indicator that things are doomed. That said, it is an infallible indicator that this could be pretty frustrating for you in the short run, which is worth its own level of consideration.
I think you should try being really clear with him: "I need you to make this a priority. I don't want to have to be the instigator here once every three months; I need to feel like you are taking care of this responsibly and proactively." Rather than talking about how her behavior makes you guys feel, i'd go one level more meta and talk about how it makes you feel to be the one instigating change. Draw a clear picture of what it would mean to you if he fully took on that job.
That said, it sounds like the outcome that you most want is a behavioral shift that he probably can't envision or may not believe is possible, and hence may not have motivation to take action (I procrastinate any big task when I'm not sure whether there will ever be a payoff). That makes me wonder if you'll inevitably be the instigator. Could it be okay with you? Is he okay with you taking that role? It also makes me wonder if the time it will take to have those changes happen is too long for you to wait, but being a specialist, you probably know this better than we do.
My advice: get very much in touch with why you're still fed up even though he's back in action again (other posters' question), ask yourself whether this will change via a process and on a timescale that you can tolerate, think about how to cope in the meantime, and then discuss all that with him. I think you're on the right track by focusing on the process of change and the two-person nature of it here, rather than on her behavior or his response to it.
posted by salvia at 7:58 AM on July 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think you should try being really clear with him: "I need you to make this a priority. I don't want to have to be the instigator here once every three months; I need to feel like you are taking care of this responsibly and proactively." Rather than talking about how her behavior makes you guys feel, i'd go one level more meta and talk about how it makes you feel to be the one instigating change. Draw a clear picture of what it would mean to you if he fully took on that job.
That said, it sounds like the outcome that you most want is a behavioral shift that he probably can't envision or may not believe is possible, and hence may not have motivation to take action (I procrastinate any big task when I'm not sure whether there will ever be a payoff). That makes me wonder if you'll inevitably be the instigator. Could it be okay with you? Is he okay with you taking that role? It also makes me wonder if the time it will take to have those changes happen is too long for you to wait, but being a specialist, you probably know this better than we do.
My advice: get very much in touch with why you're still fed up even though he's back in action again (other posters' question), ask yourself whether this will change via a process and on a timescale that you can tolerate, think about how to cope in the meantime, and then discuss all that with him. I think you're on the right track by focusing on the process of change and the two-person nature of it here, rather than on her behavior or his response to it.
posted by salvia at 7:58 AM on July 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
They're a package deal, just like you are with your kids. Even if he gets her evaluated tomorrow and they decide on a plan of action, it's going to be a long slog of therapy and medication before her behavior is going to be tolerable. Do you want to wait that out? Do your kids?
You don't like this kid. It's okay, she's not likable, you do not have to like her. But I think it's a bad idea to stay with her dad when you're constantly wishing she would disappear. That's not going to happen.
posted by crankylex at 10:39 AM on July 6, 2010
You don't like this kid. It's okay, she's not likable, you do not have to like her. But I think it's a bad idea to stay with her dad when you're constantly wishing she would disappear. That's not going to happen.
posted by crankylex at 10:39 AM on July 6, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks for everyone's input.
Just to clarify: I am NOT blaming this kid and I don't dislike the kid (I know, I'm contradicting myself). I dislike the behavior and I equally dislike that he let it get this bad.
Several weeks ago I told him, help her or I'm done.
And I got a reply where he said he very much wants to keep me in his life and he is getting her help.
But that was it. And I feel like I'm somehow being rebuffed.
posted by dzaz at 11:25 AM on July 7, 2010
Just to clarify: I am NOT blaming this kid and I don't dislike the kid (I know, I'm contradicting myself). I dislike the behavior and I equally dislike that he let it get this bad.
Several weeks ago I told him, help her or I'm done.
And I got a reply where he said he very much wants to keep me in his life and he is getting her help.
But that was it. And I feel like I'm somehow being rebuffed.
posted by dzaz at 11:25 AM on July 7, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
There's no him without his kid. Repeat that until you can stop thinking of how great he is on his own because that's just a fantasy.
posted by Hiker at 5:46 AM on July 6, 2010 [2 favorites]