How can I fit in socially at work?

July 2, 2010 9:51 AM

I love my job but am having a tough time fitting in and it's really starting to cause anxiety. I work for a very social company with lots of big, entertaining personalities and find myself left out of most things and when I am included, I just freeze and can't mutter a word. What is wrong with me and how can I fix it?

First, I am a recent transplant to Southern California. Everyone at the company are SoCal natives. I just feel "different". Second, as the person in charge of the finances, I am the only person with an office, albeit glass, but still slightly set back from the action. Third, I have nothing to do with marketing and sales (other than the $ aspect) whereas every single other person in this company of thirteen does.

I know I should just get my job done and forget about it but this is a very social company and I just feel that people don't like me. Being part of the team matters very much to me. I do not normally have social anxiety, in fact, I have been the most enetertaining and witty person at most past jobs. Here, I feel I am ignored and overshawdowed by others to the point where I can go through a whole company lunch not muttering a word, only laughing at everyone else's stories. When I can get a word in edgewise, it's usually stupid.

I do not feel like myself. I feel like I can't compete so sometimes I don't even bother. I do have problems with anxity and depression and take medicine. I have been very down the last few weeks due to a personal issue and that only seems to amplify my level of anxiety over this. I am REALLY trying to put myself out there at work, only to be knocked down. At home I am a very lonely, depressed person.

It hurts so much to see people congregating outside my office, socializing... with their backs to me. Even if I try to join in.

Now it's a vicious cycle. I've set the fact that that I'm the serious, dullard accountant who just sits there and smiles. I'm not good for a nice banter so why bother engaging me? There are a few people that I can laugh with one-on-one but never with the group. Several others are polite nice. Some just flat out ignore me except the occasional "good morning". I am always very sweet and friendly to eveyone.

I just feel that there still may be a chance at getting in with the "cool kids". What can I do to gain the confidence to let my personality shine through? I'm trying to explore other options besides therapy as that has never been helpful to me with other issues.

(By the way, I am in the same age range and appearance/style as everyone so I know that physical prejudice is not an issue.)

posted by HollyAnn to Human Relations (13 answers total)

In my experience trying to break into a group, particularly a close one, is difficult for anyone, so the first step is understanding that this would be a difficult social situation for any new person! Groups of people that are all comfortable around one another tend to be quite socially competitive for the speaking stick. As one tries to break into the conversation, the only way to get a word in is to one-up the subject and thus gain the attention. When the outsider jumps in there is more pressure to perform (at least from their perspective) and it is completely natural for people to freeze up. So, to the solution part.

I would confront the problem by dividing it up. Make a very strong attempt to meet each person individually and learn a bit about them, their goals and their sense of humor. When you feel comfortable around 2/3 or so of the people, then you can start to contribute more the group dynamics. Your natural friends in the group will give you the support you need to start to win over the last 1/3.

Start by making a point to have a short discussion break every few days with the people that are polite nice. Ask them about themselves, share your thoughts when appropriate and at least then you will both start to understand a bit, you may not have the same humor, but you will like each other.

Then as you feel comfortable around them, and the people that you share laughs with, then you can start to chat with the "good morning" crowd. They will start to open up when they see that the group is starting to embrace you.

Good luck, and remember it may take a bit!
posted by occidental at 10:12 AM on July 2, 2010

Try to organize something away from work? If you have a good feeling for what would work that is. Some observational sporting event? A movie? After work drinks? A dinner party?

Maybe bribes? Put a candy bowl on your desk so people come see you. Force yourself out of your office and take an interest in what the others are doing.

I'd also focus more on the one on one aspect and just try expanding the number of people you interact with (or what occidental said)

Some people are better with group dynamics, but can't deal with the one on one. You happen to be working the other way around right now. Nothing to be worried about.

Time and turnover will insure you won't always be the new person.
posted by cjorgensen at 10:16 AM on July 2, 2010

Response by poster: I forgot to mention that I am one of the founders of the company. I was here before most everyone.
posted by HollyAnn at 10:23 AM on July 2, 2010

"At home I am a very lonely, depressed person". Actually, I would focus on this first. It is your life outside of work that will most likely help you with your social life at work. If you are lonely and depressed you will not feel as if you have much to say. Get your medication evaluated--look at the other things we all know (exercise, nutrition, moderation if you drink etc). Also, then look at other things you might like to do--professional associations, continuing education classes, special interest groups, establish a regular time/place/seat to hang out, movies/books/etc. Build your life and bring it to the party. This will take a while. As the previous poster suggested--don't try to climb a mountain until you have mastered the foothills. A cliquish office is a tough nut to crack--time, time, time. I wish you the best.
posted by rmhsinc at 10:27 AM on July 2, 2010

You know what? I'm one of those people who tries to make everyone feel included and gets them into the group -- if they seem open and receptive to it. This is particularly true of newbies to the office, but hey - I do this with people I'm not as well acquainted with too. I bet there has to be at least one of those kinds of people in your office. Find that person, and target them first for establishing some work friends. When you've got a few you're comfortable with on a casual basis, then you ask to join them for lunch - hard to be turned down for a little request like that. Work up to happy hour, if they do that.

Prop your office door open if it is usually closed. Even though it's glass, it's still a barrier. Close it only when you don't want to be disturbed.

Say good morning to everyone when you come in for work, using their names.

I realize it's SoCal so maybe desserts won't be as well-received, but when it's a special occasion for yourself (like your birthday), bring nice treats for everyone and send a mass email inviting them to have some.

Need help finding topics to talk about with people? If I've got nothing else to say to women colleagues, I pick something nice about their appearance to compliment them and ask them about. Might seem a bit like sucking up, but it works as a starting point. With men too - pick something to compliment them on and get them talking about it.
posted by lizbunny at 11:06 AM on July 2, 2010

I forgot to mention that I am one of the founders of the company.

Is there a chance that your new coworkers perceive you as an authority figure? Most people have two work personas, one for their peers (more personal) and one for their boss/upper management (more professional). It might be less about them liking you--in fact, I don't think this factors into your situation at all--and more that they're not sure how casual they can act around you yet.
posted by lucysparrow at 11:10 AM on July 2, 2010

Edit: Less about them not liking you...
posted by lucysparrow at 11:11 AM on July 2, 2010

One more thing: doesn't everyone start out at a new job this way? You slowly integrate yourself into the group, but until then, there's a lot of laughing at other people's jokes and silences and small talk. I think you just have to put in the time and eventually someone else will be the new person and you'll be part of the in crowd.
posted by lucysparrow at 11:19 AM on July 2, 2010

I recently found myself in a situation a lot like this. (Only a once-a-week-ish social thing, but the same feelings of being overshadowed, can't contribute so why bother, either too quiet or awkwardly intrusive, fretting endlessly about how to make them like me, etc.) Oddly enough, I eventually dealt with this by... not caring anymore. I can't control how they feel so why get all anxious about it? I decided that, well, they didn't hate me at least, and I can live with that. And trying to put on some act to win people over was a recipe for stress that probably wasn't going to work anyway. I was just going to be myself and it would be fine. And, you know, it has been. I relax and just go along and if I can contribute something I can; otherwise I don't worry about it. It's a lot less stressful and more fun. And I accomplished this by reassuring myself that this isn't a contest, and giving myself permission to just be myself.

The thing is, when you decide that "I'm the boring one and nobody likes me" you're already shooting yourself in the foot by making them into Those Scary People Who Don't Like You - but you don't actually know for sure that they don't like you! They may like you just fine. They may just not know you very well. They may have other things going on in their lives that cause them to be cool to you through no fault of your own. They may think you don't like them because you don't talk to them. Give people a chance and don't write them off as people who aren't worth the effort because they already dislike you. Insecure people are sometimes a lot more well-liked than we ever realize.

Finally, I really really second occidental's tip to try to engage with people individually or in small groups. It might just be hard for you to shine in this office's big group dynamic, but it might get easier after you get to know people better and they get to know you better.

And, yes, bribery is not out of the question either. (Yes, this kind of contradicts what I said earlier, but... eh.) Do you bake? You can make a lot of friends with some delicious baked goods. Then suddenly you're that awesome person who gives them cookies once in a while, and people stop by to chat and eat cookies. Sometimes this can work quite well.
posted by mandanza at 11:35 AM on July 2, 2010

It might well be that nothing is wrong with you. You could be an introvert trying to muddle your way through a land of extroverts. Because sales and marketing are such people intensive fields, they usually attract social butterflies. Introverts have no less need for social contact, they're just better at cultivating connections on a one-on-one basis.

You don't say much about your depression and anxiety, but I can't help but wonder if some of your trepidation at work stems from you trying to work against your basic temperament. If that's the case, it makes sense that you feel rejected and demoralized. It makes sense that feel like the geek surrounded by cool kids. There is no better recipe for feeling like you're defective than trying to be something or someone you're not.

You mentioned having a few individual relationships with folks in your company. If that's your strength, work with it. Develop rapport with the people in your company on an individual basis. Build relationships one by one. Over time that might make the party outside your office less intimidating and less painful when you're not in it.

Good Luck.
posted by space_cookie at 11:59 AM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]

Yeah, you are surrounded with blazing extroverts. Give yourself time. Be friendly. Smile. Say hi to people. Which it seems you are doing....

Some of your angst has nothing to do with them. It has to do with what is going on inside yourself. Your perspective is skewed a bit, and because of that what you reflect and project is skewed as well.

Realize that yes, you are an authority figure, and that having an office does set you apart a bit. What I would recommend is you work on your life outside work. As that gets better, I'd be willing to bet work will get better too. But for now major on your one-on-one people, and don't put pressure on yourself at the lunches. Just sit and laugh and enjoy their exuberance. At the end of six months I can almost guarantee things will be better.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:45 PM on July 2, 2010

Keep a bowl of chocolates and other candy for visitors to your office on your desk. It signals, "Come chat with me!" You should also have a nice chair or two, or even a couch if there's room, for people to sit in.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:37 AM on July 3, 2010

Response by poster: I want to thank everyone that took the time to help me! It really helped a lot! :)
posted by HollyAnn at 8:58 AM on July 6, 2010