Family gift trainwreck
July 2, 2010 9:45 AM Subscribe
How do I extricate myself from a family gift trainwreck with the least impact?
I've been requested to chip in on an expensive gift for a family member's occasion.
The family member doesn't need this gift (they already have one). Further, the family member is currently working hard to reduce possessions, and doesn't want to own anything else. Most importantly, the family member did not want to celebrate this occasion (a conflicted, mixed-feelings occasion), though there is a family get-together coinciding with it, and has specifically requested no presents.
The others in the family who want to get the present have their hearts in the right place: wanting to be comforting and supportive. They'll have problems affording it without my contribution, and have determined to buy it whether or not I contribute. They're intent on the present despite my reminder that the family member in question outright requested no presents.
I can:
* Stick to my guns and not help the family member who doesn't want presents or the celebration of this occasion, since the present WILL be arriving and I can't stop it. All that happens is I look like an ass for not contributing to the well-loved family member's present.
* Contribute, and ease the financial burden on the well-meaning, loving family members. Possibly further hurt the feelings of the recipient, since we *just* had a conversation where the recipient reiterated "no presents please."
Further, I'm angry at the well-meaning people who are trying to do something they think will help, and will hurt the person they're trying to help. I love these people and I see what they're getting at, but I think that when someone asks for a minor concession relating to a painful occasion, they should get that concession. Not only that, the family did just that (minor concession on request re: painful occasion) for someone else in the past month. I want to argue, slap them silly, do whatever I have to to make them respect the recipient--but nothing I say is going to have an impact, at this point, and I think if I say anything else I'm just going to make it a big family fight, too.
Or *is* there something else I can do? Is there an alternative I am not seeing?
I've been requested to chip in on an expensive gift for a family member's occasion.
The family member doesn't need this gift (they already have one). Further, the family member is currently working hard to reduce possessions, and doesn't want to own anything else. Most importantly, the family member did not want to celebrate this occasion (a conflicted, mixed-feelings occasion), though there is a family get-together coinciding with it, and has specifically requested no presents.
The others in the family who want to get the present have their hearts in the right place: wanting to be comforting and supportive. They'll have problems affording it without my contribution, and have determined to buy it whether or not I contribute. They're intent on the present despite my reminder that the family member in question outright requested no presents.
I can:
* Stick to my guns and not help the family member who doesn't want presents or the celebration of this occasion, since the present WILL be arriving and I can't stop it. All that happens is I look like an ass for not contributing to the well-loved family member's present.
* Contribute, and ease the financial burden on the well-meaning, loving family members. Possibly further hurt the feelings of the recipient, since we *just* had a conversation where the recipient reiterated "no presents please."
Further, I'm angry at the well-meaning people who are trying to do something they think will help, and will hurt the person they're trying to help. I love these people and I see what they're getting at, but I think that when someone asks for a minor concession relating to a painful occasion, they should get that concession. Not only that, the family did just that (minor concession on request re: painful occasion) for someone else in the past month. I want to argue, slap them silly, do whatever I have to to make them respect the recipient--but nothing I say is going to have an impact, at this point, and I think if I say anything else I'm just going to make it a big family fight, too.
Or *is* there something else I can do? Is there an alternative I am not seeing?
Can you not go the "they already have one" route? Since the "requested no presents" thing didn't work, why not work on the "reducing stuff/already have one" push?
Refuse to chip in. If you like, you can offer to chip in on something the recipient will like -- donation in their name? -- instead, or just keep saying that you know their hearts are in the right place, but R specifically asked you personally for no presents, and you think that giving R an Item would upset R, so you won't do it.
posted by jeather at 9:55 AM on July 2, 2010
Refuse to chip in. If you like, you can offer to chip in on something the recipient will like -- donation in their name? -- instead, or just keep saying that you know their hearts are in the right place, but R specifically asked you personally for no presents, and you think that giving R an Item would upset R, so you won't do it.
posted by jeather at 9:55 AM on July 2, 2010
If this were me, I'd be saying "Family_member asked me not to celebrate this occasion or get them gifts so while I understand that you do what you need to do, I can't be a part of this and I think it will make Family_member upset" That said, I don't care if people in my family are mad at me for disagreeing with them, other fmailies are different.
Really, since this question is anonymous it would be really helpful to know
- the relationship of family member to you [my advice would be different if this were a nuclear family member as opposed to a distant uncle]
- what the gift is [advice for puppy is different than advice for snowmobile]
I think you've got a chance to help the family member deal with the fact that most members of the family are not on the same page as they are for whatever reason [don't see the occasion as painful? don't see the remedy the same way they do?] and you can be supportive of them in their choices while at the same time trying to ease the pain of the fact that the family is just not going to step up for this one. It's a tough place to be, but trying to make other people work the way you do is problematic at best and doomed to spectacular failure at worst. Sorry you're stuck in this situation.
posted by jessamyn at 9:56 AM on July 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Really, since this question is anonymous it would be really helpful to know
- the relationship of family member to you [my advice would be different if this were a nuclear family member as opposed to a distant uncle]
- what the gift is [advice for puppy is different than advice for snowmobile]
I think you've got a chance to help the family member deal with the fact that most members of the family are not on the same page as they are for whatever reason [don't see the occasion as painful? don't see the remedy the same way they do?] and you can be supportive of them in their choices while at the same time trying to ease the pain of the fact that the family is just not going to step up for this one. It's a tough place to be, but trying to make other people work the way you do is problematic at best and doomed to spectacular failure at worst. Sorry you're stuck in this situation.
posted by jessamyn at 9:56 AM on July 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Don't give the money, and if there's truly no way to stop the givers from buying the gift, I'd consider calling up the intended recipient and giving him a warning ahead of time so that he's not dealing with a hurtful surprise on his already painful day (obviously, in some families this would work and in others it would create drama, I don't know which kind of family you have).
That said, is there no one among the group intent on buying this gift whom you could take aside or call up and say, "I was just talking to [Recipient] about [Upcoming Sad Occasion], and he made it very clear that a gift like [Intended Expensive Gift] would hurt his feelings. I'm not going to give because I want to respect his wishes, and I want to ask you to reconsider as well in light of what he said. I know your heart is in the right place, but I think this will hurt him"?
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:08 AM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
That said, is there no one among the group intent on buying this gift whom you could take aside or call up and say, "I was just talking to [Recipient] about [Upcoming Sad Occasion], and he made it very clear that a gift like [Intended Expensive Gift] would hurt his feelings. I'm not going to give because I want to respect his wishes, and I want to ask you to reconsider as well in light of what he said. I know your heart is in the right place, but I think this will hurt him"?
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:08 AM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
If the gift-givers are turly acting in good faith, truly trying to be helpful and supportive, then I think you should contribute and the receiver should be gracious about it. I would warn the receiver, to help them be gracious. I think this is especially true if the givers are elderly.
That said, many time gifts are given in a passive-aggressive type way.
posted by Flood at 10:21 AM on July 2, 2010
That said, many time gifts are given in a passive-aggressive type way.
posted by Flood at 10:21 AM on July 2, 2010
Or *is* there something else I can do? Is there an alternative I am not seeing?
You could try to get everyone together to talk about this, including the intended recipient. It sounds like they are having a pretty tough time with something, and maybe the family members who want to buy them a gift don't really understand the situation yet.
It's very tough to do, but maybe this person could start the discussion by explaining "this is what I'm dealing with right now, and this is why I really don't want any gifts on this occasion." And then maybe try to get the conversation around to what's troubling that person, more than the gift-giving issue.
Because if family members really want to be comforting and supportive, helping the person with their actual problem rather than giving them something they don't even want, is the way to do it. Depending on what the issue is, this could get pretty emotional.
If this doesn't work out, then I think you have to decide which of the other options you can most live with. You know what the right thing is to do here, the question is are you going to help your family to do the wrong thing, or let them do it on their own? Which of those will make it easiest to look yourself in the mirror the next day?
posted by FishBike at 10:21 AM on July 2, 2010
You could try to get everyone together to talk about this, including the intended recipient. It sounds like they are having a pretty tough time with something, and maybe the family members who want to buy them a gift don't really understand the situation yet.
It's very tough to do, but maybe this person could start the discussion by explaining "this is what I'm dealing with right now, and this is why I really don't want any gifts on this occasion." And then maybe try to get the conversation around to what's troubling that person, more than the gift-giving issue.
Because if family members really want to be comforting and supportive, helping the person with their actual problem rather than giving them something they don't even want, is the way to do it. Depending on what the issue is, this could get pretty emotional.
If this doesn't work out, then I think you have to decide which of the other options you can most live with. You know what the right thing is to do here, the question is are you going to help your family to do the wrong thing, or let them do it on their own? Which of those will make it easiest to look yourself in the mirror the next day?
posted by FishBike at 10:21 AM on July 2, 2010
Suggest that, instead of the gift, they donate the money to a charity that he supports?
Or, you could do what I do, and when somebody requests "no presents," bake them a cake.
Otherwise, stick to your guns, or else you'll be reinforcing this absurd behavior within your family (which is exactly what happens in my extended family, and has caused no end of drama for them)
posted by schmod at 10:29 AM on July 2, 2010
Or, you could do what I do, and when somebody requests "no presents," bake them a cake.
Otherwise, stick to your guns, or else you'll be reinforcing this absurd behavior within your family (which is exactly what happens in my extended family, and has caused no end of drama for them)
posted by schmod at 10:29 AM on July 2, 2010
Is there any chance of compromising with them on an alternative idea for a gift, like theater tickets or dinner at an expensive restaurant? (I don't know what price range you're talking about - if it's really expensive, open-ended flight tickets are a fairly wonderful gift). Something that feels substantial but isn't yet another possession for your relative to deal with?
posted by trig at 10:42 AM on July 2, 2010
posted by trig at 10:42 AM on July 2, 2010
"Gee, sorry, no. I won't be contributing to such and such. Family Member has specific wishes about this occasion and said no celebration and absolutely no gifts since he/she is seriously downsizing. I think the best present I can give is honoring those wishes."
posted by Elsie at 10:54 AM on July 2, 2010
posted by Elsie at 10:54 AM on July 2, 2010
Mod note: From the OP:
I've tried the "quiet word" and have been blown off. I put forward the "doesn't want to own anything else" as well as the "doesn't want to celebrate this painful occasion" and "specifically said doesn't want any presents." To be precise, "no presents and no cake" (taking into account the cake comment).posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:54 AM on July 2, 2010
The painful part of the situation is ongoing, has been for years, and no one in the family has any trouble understanding why the reminder/celebration will be painful. Support for the situation is already provided as much as possible, but it's one of those things where it's just not possible to ameliorate the worst of the pain.
The family members are intent on giving this gift, and my input with them is now limited to "contribute or not." They are certain that they know better than the recipient (and me), and that they're doing the right thing. I don't know that I can continue to be civil on this topic with them, anyway; they think they're being supportive but are being callous and hurtful.
The family members involved are all nuclear. The gift is not something like a puppy, no. I don't think it matters what it is; the mere existence and presentation is what will be painful, and I can not stop that part.
Hmm, my thought would be the opposite of "get them all together in a room". I would try to talk to each one individually and try to get one person to understand all the reasons you posted. If you can do that, then you can use that as leverage to try to talk to the next person.
And then try to redirect their good wishes into a donation or some other unintrusive way to help. I think that if you speak to each individual, you may be able to convince them.
But otherwise, I don't think I would donate and I would definitely tell the recipient so they know what to expect.
posted by CathyG at 10:55 AM on July 2, 2010
And then try to redirect their good wishes into a donation or some other unintrusive way to help. I think that if you speak to each individual, you may be able to convince them.
But otherwise, I don't think I would donate and I would definitely tell the recipient so they know what to expect.
posted by CathyG at 10:55 AM on July 2, 2010
You could put your share of money in with a request not to be recognized as a donor. Leave your name off of the card/present whatever.
Put your share of money in and pull the recipient aside and explain that you tried to stand up for their belief, but gave in to group conscience.
Stand your ground. It's family. I doubt that whatever you decide to do will irreperably damage close familial relationships.
posted by Debaser626 at 11:15 AM on July 2, 2010
Put your share of money in and pull the recipient aside and explain that you tried to stand up for their belief, but gave in to group conscience.
Stand your ground. It's family. I doubt that whatever you decide to do will irreperably damage close familial relationships.
posted by Debaser626 at 11:15 AM on July 2, 2010
If it's inevitable that the gift is coming, you may want to warn Family Member that it's coming. That way at least he or she can steel him- or herself against the situation.
Or it might make matters worse. It's hard to tell from what you've said what the family dynamic for this route would be.
posted by me3dia at 11:34 AM on July 2, 2010
Or it might make matters worse. It's hard to tell from what you've said what the family dynamic for this route would be.
posted by me3dia at 11:34 AM on July 2, 2010
My gut tells me that you shouldn't chip in. Put your foot down, and read your family the damned Riot Act. They may not actually listen. From what you've written, they probably won't. But, I think that if they're going to blow you off for being subtle or polite, then you need to YELL AT THEM for HURTING a member of a family. That's how I'd put it. "YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING HURT HIS FEELINGS! STOP IT!"
If that doesn't work, then at least you've done your best. And, you can give them another kick after HE flames them all out for not listening to him and making him feel bad. Maybe, just maybe, that'll stop them from doing it again. At least, I would hope.
I have to stick it to my family members on a regular, if infrequent, basis. So, I kind of know what this is like. Good luck getting through this. It bites.
posted by Citrus at 11:57 AM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
If that doesn't work, then at least you've done your best. And, you can give them another kick after HE flames them all out for not listening to him and making him feel bad. Maybe, just maybe, that'll stop them from doing it again. At least, I would hope.
I have to stick it to my family members on a regular, if infrequent, basis. So, I kind of know what this is like. Good luck getting through this. It bites.
posted by Citrus at 11:57 AM on July 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
After thinking about it a little, and seeing your follow up, I'm very curious what this sad occasion might be that a party to mark the date would be enjoyable but presents brought to the party would cause hurt feelings. One more thing you might try would be to talk to the person in question about his party causing some confusion--and mention that some relatives seem unable to refrain from bringing gifts to a party, even if the in invite says "no gifts." In other words, if your gift-giving relatives will not budge, you might consider how you could influence the situation for the better by approaching the intended recipient.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:28 PM on July 2, 2010
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:28 PM on July 2, 2010
I think you need to go with the OPs wishes, and give them the gift they want (which is no material gift). So that's the gift you give him/her: Listening to them and respecting their wishes. Even if you're the only one, hopefully they will appreciate it.
Even though you clearly appreciate where your family is coming from, they sound like they don't appreciate your perspective. But that's the gift you give them: Understanding where they are coming from, even though you don't agree with it. Maybe one day they will appreciate it.
It's not about 'sticking to your guns', which sounds fighty and conflict oriented. I think it's about staying balanced by staying true to your values and letting other people- including your family - stay true to theirs, and letting things unfold as they will.
You chip in for that gift now, you still might not avoid conflict with your family, you'll probably hurt the gift receiver, and you will definitely be doing something you don't believe is right. That's lose, lose, lose.
But if you don't chip in for that gift, there might be conflict, but you will have respected the gift giver's wishes, and you will have done what you believe is right - which is to respect a person's wishes. That's lose, win, win.
Them's better odds.
posted by anitanita at 12:39 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Even though you clearly appreciate where your family is coming from, they sound like they don't appreciate your perspective. But that's the gift you give them: Understanding where they are coming from, even though you don't agree with it. Maybe one day they will appreciate it.
It's not about 'sticking to your guns', which sounds fighty and conflict oriented. I think it's about staying balanced by staying true to your values and letting other people- including your family - stay true to theirs, and letting things unfold as they will.
You chip in for that gift now, you still might not avoid conflict with your family, you'll probably hurt the gift receiver, and you will definitely be doing something you don't believe is right. That's lose, lose, lose.
But if you don't chip in for that gift, there might be conflict, but you will have respected the gift giver's wishes, and you will have done what you believe is right - which is to respect a person's wishes. That's lose, win, win.
Them's better odds.
posted by anitanita at 12:39 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Gift receiver' in that last paragraph, not 'gift giver'. whoopsie.
posted by anitanita at 12:40 PM on July 2, 2010
posted by anitanita at 12:40 PM on July 2, 2010
Oh, just reread and realize that the party coincides with the sad date but is not a celebration of it. Any chance you could take this person out to dinner away from the rest of the family instead of attending the family event?
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:46 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:46 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
From where you stand, there's nothing you can do to avoid the gift being given. If what you've said is true, that much is certain.
In that case, the relationship(s) in question are the ones with the gift givers. Since you can't stop the present, the only metric you should use to judge your behaviour is how it affects these people, as your relationship with the recipient is already settled. Given this, the easy route would be to make your opinion clear (much as you already have) and then give them the money because you want to support them, even if you disagree with their choice. A trickier route, but one that I'd find more satisfactory, would be to explain that you disagree with this gift, so you're helping your friend in a different way.
The question you need to answer is whether the ongoing drama from your decision not to contribute will be worse than your guilt over contributing to a present you disagree with.
posted by twirlypen at 12:58 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
In that case, the relationship(s) in question are the ones with the gift givers. Since you can't stop the present, the only metric you should use to judge your behaviour is how it affects these people, as your relationship with the recipient is already settled. Given this, the easy route would be to make your opinion clear (much as you already have) and then give them the money because you want to support them, even if you disagree with their choice. A trickier route, but one that I'd find more satisfactory, would be to explain that you disagree with this gift, so you're helping your friend in a different way.
The question you need to answer is whether the ongoing drama from your decision not to contribute will be worse than your guilt over contributing to a present you disagree with.
posted by twirlypen at 12:58 PM on July 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ladies and gentleman, you've been very helpful. As I have taken you up on the suggestions to contact Recipient, I'm no longer worried about anonymity. Recipient is prepared. Recipient is now also aware that gentle suggestions from R were ineffective, and will be contacting family members to be blunt in ways I can't be without being rude.
FWIW, since I'm leaving anonymity behind, the occasion is a landmark wedding anniversary where one spouse is virtually lost to early-onset Alzheimer's: healthy, but mentally gone. Lots of conflicted emotions here, you see. There's no ameliorating the most stressful parts of this situation; we all try our best to do everything we can. Sometimes, clearly, we jump in the wrong directions. But we're all trying.
posted by galadriel at 1:31 PM on July 2, 2010
FWIW, since I'm leaving anonymity behind, the occasion is a landmark wedding anniversary where one spouse is virtually lost to early-onset Alzheimer's: healthy, but mentally gone. Lots of conflicted emotions here, you see. There's no ameliorating the most stressful parts of this situation; we all try our best to do everything we can. Sometimes, clearly, we jump in the wrong directions. But we're all trying.
posted by galadriel at 1:31 PM on July 2, 2010
My suggestion: Take the money you'd be contributing to the gift and donate it to an Alzheimer's research fund. Turning something painful into the hope of something positive.
Good luck, and love. Alzheimer's sucks hard.
posted by Heretical at 2:26 PM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Good luck, and love. Alzheimer's sucks hard.
posted by Heretical at 2:26 PM on July 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Having personal experience with losing multiple people to Alzheimer's, i understand the situation completely, and i think that Heretical has a great idea - and to expand on that, if they do end up giving said gift anyway, since you let Recipient know about it, perhaps talk to Recipient about arranging a way to either sell said gift and donate proceeds to a research fund, or if applicable donate said gift to a home for people with Alzheimer's - I know many Sunrise Assisted Living facilities have a special floor for people who have it, where they can live safely and comfortably under supervision.
Good Luck! i would be be feel a whole mixture of furious/helpless/upset in your situation, but hopefully some good can come of it somehow!
posted by assasinatdbeauty at 3:38 PM on July 2, 2010
Good Luck! i would be be feel a whole mixture of furious/helpless/upset in your situation, but hopefully some good can come of it somehow!
posted by assasinatdbeauty at 3:38 PM on July 2, 2010
I think you should let the rest of the group know that you won't contribute unless the family member recieving the gift is informed and agreeable. I would ask one of the gift-giving family members to contact the recipient to let him or her know that others in the family are planning and would like to give something together and to find out exactly how comfortable he or she is with this idea given the expressed wish for no presents to be given at the family event.
There is always the chance that a supportive gift given by the group would be appreciated if genuinely helpful and given privately sometime before or after the day of the party. If the recipient is comfortable with the idea, you can contribute without too much worry about how the gift will be recieved. If you remain unconvinced that giving the gift is appropriate you can call the family member yourself to explain your concern. If the family member is contacted and diasagreable then you should refuse to contribute. You should also refuse if no one is willing to check with the recipient first.
posted by inconsequentialist at 7:29 PM on July 3, 2010
There is always the chance that a supportive gift given by the group would be appreciated if genuinely helpful and given privately sometime before or after the day of the party. If the recipient is comfortable with the idea, you can contribute without too much worry about how the gift will be recieved. If you remain unconvinced that giving the gift is appropriate you can call the family member yourself to explain your concern. If the family member is contacted and diasagreable then you should refuse to contribute. You should also refuse if no one is willing to check with the recipient first.
posted by inconsequentialist at 7:29 PM on July 3, 2010
I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but this is what I probably would do (because I'm a stubborn cranky bitch who has finally learned that she can voice an opinion to her family, possibly upsetting someone, but I know it ain't gonna kill any of us if I do).
I would refuse to contribute, saying "I know they don't want it, I've TOLD you they don't want it, I don't want anything to do with it. I'm going to go with their wishes, not yours."
And then I'd tell the recipient. From the sounds of things, they need/deserve forewarning, at least.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:28 AM on July 4, 2010
I would refuse to contribute, saying "I know they don't want it, I've TOLD you they don't want it, I don't want anything to do with it. I'm going to go with their wishes, not yours."
And then I'd tell the recipient. From the sounds of things, they need/deserve forewarning, at least.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:28 AM on July 4, 2010
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posted by epj at 9:47 AM on July 2, 2010