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June 23, 2010 12:36 PM

How can I stop hating these people and start not thinking about them at all?

There's this couple who are real jerks to me and it bothers me more than I think it should. I dated the male half for a while, that ended badly a year and a half ago but we managed to stay friendly. We share the same friend group, but ever since he started dating a new girl a few months ago they've gone out of their way to ostracize me from events/parties/get-togethers and have attempted to spread rumors and lies. This has cost me friends. I am reserved, they are outgoing (I am often told how amazing the new girl is. She's cold to me, but I dated her boy, I can understand it). It's easy to see whose side anyone would take.

I'm not really concerned about the lost friends - if they believe the rumors, they're not people I want as friends. I'm willing to write the whole group off as a loss, but it comes down to that couple. I spend a lot of time thinking about how much pain they've caused me and how much I hate them. It's not helpful or productive, it just ruins my day and makes me hard to be around. I feel like it's becoming some kind of sick obsession and I need to put and end to it. How can I stop wallowing in self-pity and anger about this? How can I just get over it?

I realize this sounds like a teen problem, but we're all in our late 20s.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

For your own mental health, you need to let go of your hate. In order to do that, you need to forgive them.

Forgiveness is a decision you have to make. It is like (to over-simplify) flipping a switch in your mind. I will no longer hate them, instead I will let it go. I will try to understand their weakness and flaws, which would cause them to do this.

Carrying around hate is a heavy burden. It will wear you down. Forgiveness is the answer.
posted by Flood at 12:42 PM on June 23, 2010 [5 favorites]

As I am in my late 50s, you late 20s people still seem pretty young to me. Your old circle of friends didn't work out, get new friends. That's pretty much it. Recognize that we live in a crazy world with many irrational or otherwise unpleasant people in it, and our challenge is to live a happy and successful life anyway. Don't let the bastards grind you down (as the saying goes - in bastardized latin, illigitimi non carborundum). Another useful addage: living well is the best revenge. You can have a good life in spite of those false friends.
posted by grizzled at 12:43 PM on June 23, 2010 [9 favorites]

Are you absolutely sure they are sprreading rumors and ostracizing? If so, why don't you confront he boyfriend? Call him up now. See if you can talk it out and find out what the snit is about. Then go to your closest friends in the circle and tell them that you've had it out with the boyfriend and you want to set the record straight with a few other people. Then you've got to hold your head up and try to pretend it never happened. Cultivate better and closer relationships with those you like most and see where that goes. If there's no one in the group that you feel that way about then it's time to move on.
posted by amanda at 12:44 PM on June 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Ok, first off having a few vent sessions (vocally or just internally) is perfectly fine. I do it about some things that have bothered me before. It's normal.

And you're right, if people are just going to believe rumors than it's fine to let them go.

Find something else to occupy your time. Preferably something that takes a lot of mental energy.

Finally, you just have to let it go. I'm not going to say that you have to forgive, but you do have to realize that it just doesn't matter and let it go. Which might be a way of forgiving without admitting you've forgiven, and is definitely easier said than done.
posted by theichibun at 12:48 PM on June 23, 2010

Agreeing with the people that say forgive. Forgiveness is not for the other people, it's for ourselves. Forgiving and accepting doesn't equal approval. We can accept a situation and still choose to remove ourselves from it. In the past when I have had to forgive others, I think of situations in which I have needed forgiveness, and I know since I am human, I will need forgiveness in the future. When I see my own faults, it is easier to forgive. Also, anger, for me, is a secondary emotion, it is natural to fear losing friends, but as you stated, if they are that easily lost, they probably weren't really true friends. Taking the high road has never failed me, not acting out in anger will win out in the long run and I think people will see past the rumors given time.
posted by heatherly at 1:18 PM on June 23, 2010

If so, why don't you confront he boyfriend?

I disagree with this advice. The consequences of the changes in relationships among your group are clear; their motives and actions are not, and trying to confront someone about them will likely make things worse. Imagine that, on top of a lot of (conscious or unconscious) trash talk about you, there's a bright, vivid incident to recount in which you "attacked" your ex.

It's not even clear that the ex and new girlfriend are trash talking you--perhaps your mutual friends are just picking up on bad vibes and imaging the worst, or a gossipy third is taking the ex's relative silence to confirm a lot of rumours that the third wants to believe.

A situation like this isn't like weeding a garden where you just need to get your hands dirty. Talking out relationship issues with others presumes a good faith desire on everyone's part to clear the air and repair things, and you've got pretty good evidence right now that such desire doesn't exist.

I'll nth forgiving everyone so you can let go of your obsession and get on with your life, wiser than before. And forgiveness doesn't mean talking to them either, it means an internal decision to forgive them and to disallow bad feelings on your part. Then get on with your life. The good ones from the group will come back to you; the ones not worth keeping won't, and that's no loss for you.
posted by fatbird at 1:47 PM on June 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

From your question, you seem to have a pretty clear and sensible rational view on what's going on. Keep coming back to that when you start thinking about the situation and your emotions will catch up with it.
posted by teraspawn at 3:14 PM on June 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Forgiveness is a start. But I've been in a similar position, dumped on for no good reason by social contacts. Fortunately, I had a lot of people I talked to about it who assured me that they were in the wrong in terms of their behavior, being bad friends. I was able to forgive them and understand why they screwed our friendship over, but for two years, I often had anxious feelings about it, without even being in contact with them. I worried over it a lot. Why did this happen to me? Why why why? That kind of thing. Mean people suck that way.

Anyway, my advice is, forgive, then give yourself time to heal. Lean on those who love you for support and assurance. Finally, don't try to rush yourself into getting over it. That's the last thing I've managed to learn -- like me, you're a person who cares about other people and what they think. It's not a bad thing to be compassionate, it's just more difficult than being aloof. Do you really want to be the kind of person that doesn't mourn lost relationships? Just accept yourself as you are, angry, sad, whatever. When you start ruminating on them, distract yourself with something else, but don't berate youself for it.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:59 PM on June 23, 2010

You're the ex. That's how it works, this is perfectly normal and has been going on for thousands of years. He got custody of the friends. You had visitation rights for awhile, but now things have changed.
posted by rhizome at 4:01 PM on June 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I would look at it like this:

the time will come, after you have removed yourself from the situation, that the new GF will cause drama, and the people who ostracized you for being the "EX" will get in touch. They will want to bitch and moan about this person, and expect you to join in. That will be the real dilemma, and you should move on now, so when that happens... and it will... you will be in a place where you can take the high road.

In my experience, taking the high road ( meaning: not acting as petty and cruel as those around you) is always the most satisfying in the long term.
posted by Stellaboots at 4:26 PM on June 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

I know this is not very "enlightened" to say, but I think that it's natural to have feelings of hate and vengeance towards people who have done nasty things towards you. Not pleasant, but natural. I think it is part of what has evolved inside us to keep us alive. If someone gets you ostracized from the tribe, you might end up starving alone out in the desert. If you turn the tables on them, maybe they'll starve in the desert and you'll stay and live.

Nowadays your basic survival is not dependent on what this guy and his girlfriend do. But I think what you're feeling is just instinct.

I think the feelings will go away once you get a new friend group who these two don't know, and totally cut yourself off from this old group. They won't be threatening anything in your life anymore or taking anything vital away from you, they will not matter.
posted by Ashley801 at 5:32 PM on June 23, 2010 [2 favorites]

What Flood said. I would add that rising above their pettiness has the added benefit of proving them wrong and teaching them an important lesson at the same time.
posted by Pamelayne at 9:03 PM on June 23, 2010

This has cost me friends.

These people were not your friends.
posted by dhartung at 9:11 PM on June 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

You have to not encounter these people again, even if it means down-stepping your social life. Out-of-sight. Out-of-mind.
posted by philosophistry at 9:54 PM on June 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Have a similar dynamic with a couple, more the girl than the guy, but I never dated the guy. But the girl has gone out of her way repeatedly to keep me from making friends with people we all know and I'd otherwise have gotten along well with (I moved here more recently than any of them so she already knows everyone) in very fucked up manipulative headtripping ways. The only thing that's kept me sane through all of it--she is so good at making a person second-guess themselves!--was a few things: being able to vent to one and only one trustworthy person who listened and sympathized, writing off those other social opportunities as whatever, just didn't work out, let it go (sounds like you have been able to do this, good), reminding myself for a while at least of some of the reasons this person acted as viciously as they did (others have reminded me too that it's pretty obviously driven by jealousy and insecurity; long back story there) which helped me feel pity more than anger along with reminding me it isn't really about me at all, and most important of all what some have already said: remove them from your life, and not only that, get friends you can spend time having fun with that have absolutely no connection to this couple or any of that circle. It will clear your head and remind you the one little clique you've known and what they think is NOT the entire world, far from it. That's what you really need--you may know it intellectually but you need to feel that it's so, that reassurance the world doesn't revolve around them or this issue.

You may eventually be able to resume polite if chilly contact with these folks--that's where I am now; it's easy to be polite now that I'm not looking hopefully for even one crumb of real connection anymore and just know it is what it is--but that level-headed distant unhurt demeanor requires time away with other people who are better for you first, in my experience.
posted by ifjuly at 7:50 AM on June 24, 2010