How do I shut down poor me?
May 30, 2010 5:16 PM Subscribe
Tips for not complaining about a relatively minor physical issue? I'm beginning to suffer from hereditary osteoarthritis. I stand up funny and people ask what's wrong. I have stiffness and pain and tend to complain. I've listened to family complain about it and found it tiresome. How do I shut up and not burden people with a thing they can't do anything about and can't relate to, and isn't ultimately, that horrible? In twenty years, should I live so long, I'll freely complain about my hip replacements, but until then? We all find our own ailments fascinating, but other people's, not so much. I've read related asks, but this is specifically about a physical/health issue.
I stand up funny and people ask what's wrong.
Come up with a standard breezy explanation, delivered cheerfully and with a topic-changer tacked on. "Oh, just my joints being kooky. So, how are you?" You are simultaneously acknowledging it without complaining, and diverting the topic away from your ailment. I've done this for years for joint and back issues; the vast majority of the time it works, and no one really presses me for details. Once in a great while, when I really need to vent about any pain, I will let myself confide in my partner or a very close friend. Just remind yourself how tiresome you find regular public complainers (I find them tiresome, too), and that not becoming one is, for you, its own reward.
Also, and this may sound very Pollyanna-ish, but it helps tremendously to consciously cultivate your awareness for all the things you are grateful for. You don't have to do this right at the moment you're feeling pain for it to be useful; just get in the habit of acknowledging, on a daily basis, all the things you for which you can count yourself lucky. Get as basic as you need to: can you walk and bathe and drive by yourself? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have access to a doctor? Do you have people in your life who help you when you need them? Those are all worth acknowledging and even celebrating. Of course, this doesn't mean that your present aches and pains aren't real or aren't challenging -- they certainly are, and I don't think it's ever useful to deny that -- but it does help put them in a context in which they may not take up so much mental and emotional space, you know?
More broadly, I think it's worth facing the fact that everyone suffers. Life is suffering. We all feel pain, we all experience loss, we all have challenges, we all will die. I don't say this at all to be dismissive -- quite the opposite, in fact. This is the human condition, and you are experiencing your part in our shared humanity -- the cumulative details of your particular situation may be unique, but the condition itself is universal. So pain can be a way to find compassion for yourself and for others (yes, even for the complainers!), which may in turn lighten your load, even if just a little.
posted by scody at 5:41 PM on May 30, 2010 [12 favorites]
Come up with a standard breezy explanation, delivered cheerfully and with a topic-changer tacked on. "Oh, just my joints being kooky. So, how are you?" You are simultaneously acknowledging it without complaining, and diverting the topic away from your ailment. I've done this for years for joint and back issues; the vast majority of the time it works, and no one really presses me for details. Once in a great while, when I really need to vent about any pain, I will let myself confide in my partner or a very close friend. Just remind yourself how tiresome you find regular public complainers (I find them tiresome, too), and that not becoming one is, for you, its own reward.
Also, and this may sound very Pollyanna-ish, but it helps tremendously to consciously cultivate your awareness for all the things you are grateful for. You don't have to do this right at the moment you're feeling pain for it to be useful; just get in the habit of acknowledging, on a daily basis, all the things you for which you can count yourself lucky. Get as basic as you need to: can you walk and bathe and drive by yourself? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have access to a doctor? Do you have people in your life who help you when you need them? Those are all worth acknowledging and even celebrating. Of course, this doesn't mean that your present aches and pains aren't real or aren't challenging -- they certainly are, and I don't think it's ever useful to deny that -- but it does help put them in a context in which they may not take up so much mental and emotional space, you know?
More broadly, I think it's worth facing the fact that everyone suffers. Life is suffering. We all feel pain, we all experience loss, we all have challenges, we all will die. I don't say this at all to be dismissive -- quite the opposite, in fact. This is the human condition, and you are experiencing your part in our shared humanity -- the cumulative details of your particular situation may be unique, but the condition itself is universal. So pain can be a way to find compassion for yourself and for others (yes, even for the complainers!), which may in turn lighten your load, even if just a little.
posted by scody at 5:41 PM on May 30, 2010 [12 favorites]
Response by poster: Acknowledge, redirect. So simple, but so helpful. Thank you Ms. Cody and others. Very much.
posted by rainbaby at 6:15 PM on May 30, 2010
posted by rainbaby at 6:15 PM on May 30, 2010
I recommend scotch!
posted by FuzzyLumpkins at 6:34 PM on May 30, 2010
posted by FuzzyLumpkins at 6:34 PM on May 30, 2010
I have what appears to be a variant of rheumatoid arthritis, and I usually roll my eyes and groan and say "my joints are twenty years older than I am." It gets a chuckle and people don't seem to inquire further - feel free to steal it if you find it useful!
posted by restless_nomad at 6:43 PM on May 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 6:43 PM on May 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
I have a very visible health problem. I'm oddly yellow. I have jaundice because of a failing liver and need a transplant. I constantly rehearse a narrative I tell people when they ask. I say something like "It's tough but it could be worse. I feel well most of the time but thanks for asking." Or if people have a question about organ transplants I redirect by asking them if they are organ donors. I try to use humor a lot. I talk about how I'm a trekkie cosplayer or something like that. But sometimes it sucks to have people notice your infirmity. It just makes you feel different than everyone else. I think that's what bugs me most. I'm the type who just wants to blend in. But having an unholy skin color makes me stick out. Sorry to hear about your bones tho.' Hope you feel well most of the time.
posted by hot_monster at 8:05 PM on May 30, 2010
posted by hot_monster at 8:05 PM on May 30, 2010
I'm not the OP, but I wanted to ask a similar question since I buggered my knee (I'm now hobbling like I'm 40 years beyond my real age!). So thanks, OP, for writing this question!
scody, thanks for the advice. I've been complaining lots too and redirecting seems like it'll help a lot during my bad, frustrated days.
posted by Hakaisha at 9:52 PM on May 30, 2010
scody, thanks for the advice. I've been complaining lots too and redirecting seems like it'll help a lot during my bad, frustrated days.
posted by Hakaisha at 9:52 PM on May 30, 2010
I have the most amazing osteoarthritis in one of my knees, the knee looks like it has a large apple stuck to it under the skin. The other one is pretty bad too. I had a knee reconstruction, so I also have a 12 inch-long scar running down the front of my leg. It hurts like HELL all of the time. I limp, avoid stairs, and sometimes "get stuck" on uneven pavement and curbs. I don't talk about it unless someone asks, then I say "Yup, feels like I have broken glass in my knee. So how are you doing?" There is nothing worse that whining to people about physical aliments, even when the whining is justified, so I don't do it. My mother and grandmother whined incessantly about all of their pains, while I don't blame them, it was tiresome and annoying, and eventually people shut them out.
posted by fifilaru at 9:57 PM on May 30, 2010
posted by fifilaru at 9:57 PM on May 30, 2010
The simplest advice I'd give is: read the room. Not everyone is the same. I'm an example of someone who is not annoyed by health complainers. I find it fascinating and educational. I actually like hearing what can go wrong with the human body and how. I would never ask a stranger about their condition - that's just rude - but I wouldn't be put out if they complain on their own. Even as a kid, I could listen forever to my Grandma complain about her knee, no matter how often she did (I'd actually ask followup questions). So, different strokes for different folks. If you are in a room with a bunch of strangers, obviously it's unlikely that you'd launch into a long rant about your health. But if you are among friends, it might be an amusing game - these days when certain of my friends get together (late 40's early 50's), as we did for Bob's fiftieth birthday, there's a lot of laughter when it's official "what goes wrong with the body after 50" rant time - everybody pitches in with their tale of father time taking a bite out of the body.
The best thing to do, is to play with it. It's not all about broadcasting - you can also be a receiver. We don't have to merely complain - we can wonder and marvel and cluck and laugh too. We are not merely victims to whom things happen, we are participants and travelers along the journey of life. Perhaps if you can see talking about health to be like talking about anything, other options open up, and it need not be all Johnny-one-note.
If someone asks you about your arthritis - and say, you have a problem with your spine - you could do as I did recently when asked about my headaches (someone saw me taking Advil) - I briefly told them about the headaches and then explained at length about how my shoulders never gave me a lick of trouble. I stretch them, I reach back, forward, sideways - and guess what - not a single twinge! What is it about my shoulders? Why are they so invulnerable? Should I get an X-ray to see this medical marvel of excellence? Oh yea, the headache, right, once a week - not on a specific day, but once every seven days or so, not big, just annoying and goes away with some ibuprofen; now back to the shoulders - I suspect it's the tennis playing that I did as a teen, etc., etc., etc.
posted by VikingSword at 12:18 PM on May 31, 2010
The best thing to do, is to play with it. It's not all about broadcasting - you can also be a receiver. We don't have to merely complain - we can wonder and marvel and cluck and laugh too. We are not merely victims to whom things happen, we are participants and travelers along the journey of life. Perhaps if you can see talking about health to be like talking about anything, other options open up, and it need not be all Johnny-one-note.
If someone asks you about your arthritis - and say, you have a problem with your spine - you could do as I did recently when asked about my headaches (someone saw me taking Advil) - I briefly told them about the headaches and then explained at length about how my shoulders never gave me a lick of trouble. I stretch them, I reach back, forward, sideways - and guess what - not a single twinge! What is it about my shoulders? Why are they so invulnerable? Should I get an X-ray to see this medical marvel of excellence? Oh yea, the headache, right, once a week - not on a specific day, but once every seven days or so, not big, just annoying and goes away with some ibuprofen; now back to the shoulders - I suspect it's the tennis playing that I did as a teen, etc., etc., etc.
posted by VikingSword at 12:18 PM on May 31, 2010
I'm an example of someone who is not annoyed by health complainers.
Same here, I don't mind listening, because I don't mind talking about this kind of stuff too, but it's not always about complaining just for the sake of it. At least I don't see it that way.
Now, as it happens I'm also heading down the happy path of osteoarthritis and, hopefully much much later, joint replacement, after a bad injury. It's fairly recent and I don't think I'm doing that well at handling the 'poor me' part, but here's my own advice, based on what I know I'm doing wrong. It's a note to self, in progress...
1) You should feel free to complain, in moderation, to close friends who care about you. Good friends can and will relate. There's a balance between whining on to the point of annoying even the best intentioned of friends, and feeling so self conscious that you stop mentioning it altogether. Don't censor yourself too much. Just try and be lighthearted, make jokes, it'll make both you and them more relaxed about it.
2) Often I realise I complain (even just to myself) instead of asking for help. Like, with carrying heavy stuff up to the fourth floor. I shouldn't be doing it. But I am so stubborn and dislike the idea of becoming even minimally dependent on others, so I just end up doing it myself, then obviously complaining about it, and that's it. Repeatedly. Don't do this. If you could do with some help, ask for it directly.
3) Don't be so afraid of complaining that you end up in denial. This is a problem for me right now. I am still adjusting and there's still a stubborn part in my head that says 'I refuse to let this interfere with my life'. I know this is stupid, because it does interfere, whether I like it or not. It is not something I can change through willpower, in fact, willpower and stubborness will do more damage. Sometimes I get tired of hearing myself complaining, I go ahead and ignore the problem altogether, which leads to more pain and stiffness and frustration. It's not clever. Don't fall into this trap.
4) Don't confuse complaining with awareness, including making other people aware. If it does interfere, you need to acknowledge that, and you need to let others know too, matter of fact. You're wrong when you say that others can't do anything about it - they can indeed. But it all depends on how you communicate that.
Like, if your joints are having a bad day and you get asked to participate in activities that could cause more discomfort, do mention it, and suggest alternatives. This is not complaining in some useless whiney tiresome sense, it is stating a fact, and making your own needs known. "Hey, today the stiffness and pain are bad, I am not up to going for a walk, how about we meet for coffee instead?". You don't need to say anything more than that, but you do need to say enough, else you'll just pile up frustrations and misunderstandings.
5) On a more general note, it is indeed obviously helpful to keep perspective, and appreciate all the good things you have, but you have to allow yourself to feel frustrated, you're only human. Besides, osteoarthritis may not be 'horrible' but, well, I wouldn't exactly call it 'minimal' either... Sure, others may have worse health issues, but hey, this one is all yours. It's your body, with its strength and weaknesses, you need to listen to its complaints and needs. Be more understanding and patient with yourself, and you'll find the tendency to complain to others will also be less overwhelming.
posted by bitteschoen at 6:18 PM on January 22, 2011
Same here, I don't mind listening, because I don't mind talking about this kind of stuff too, but it's not always about complaining just for the sake of it. At least I don't see it that way.
Now, as it happens I'm also heading down the happy path of osteoarthritis and, hopefully much much later, joint replacement, after a bad injury. It's fairly recent and I don't think I'm doing that well at handling the 'poor me' part, but here's my own advice, based on what I know I'm doing wrong. It's a note to self, in progress...
1) You should feel free to complain, in moderation, to close friends who care about you. Good friends can and will relate. There's a balance between whining on to the point of annoying even the best intentioned of friends, and feeling so self conscious that you stop mentioning it altogether. Don't censor yourself too much. Just try and be lighthearted, make jokes, it'll make both you and them more relaxed about it.
2) Often I realise I complain (even just to myself) instead of asking for help. Like, with carrying heavy stuff up to the fourth floor. I shouldn't be doing it. But I am so stubborn and dislike the idea of becoming even minimally dependent on others, so I just end up doing it myself, then obviously complaining about it, and that's it. Repeatedly. Don't do this. If you could do with some help, ask for it directly.
3) Don't be so afraid of complaining that you end up in denial. This is a problem for me right now. I am still adjusting and there's still a stubborn part in my head that says 'I refuse to let this interfere with my life'. I know this is stupid, because it does interfere, whether I like it or not. It is not something I can change through willpower, in fact, willpower and stubborness will do more damage. Sometimes I get tired of hearing myself complaining, I go ahead and ignore the problem altogether, which leads to more pain and stiffness and frustration. It's not clever. Don't fall into this trap.
4) Don't confuse complaining with awareness, including making other people aware. If it does interfere, you need to acknowledge that, and you need to let others know too, matter of fact. You're wrong when you say that others can't do anything about it - they can indeed. But it all depends on how you communicate that.
Like, if your joints are having a bad day and you get asked to participate in activities that could cause more discomfort, do mention it, and suggest alternatives. This is not complaining in some useless whiney tiresome sense, it is stating a fact, and making your own needs known. "Hey, today the stiffness and pain are bad, I am not up to going for a walk, how about we meet for coffee instead?". You don't need to say anything more than that, but you do need to say enough, else you'll just pile up frustrations and misunderstandings.
5) On a more general note, it is indeed obviously helpful to keep perspective, and appreciate all the good things you have, but you have to allow yourself to feel frustrated, you're only human. Besides, osteoarthritis may not be 'horrible' but, well, I wouldn't exactly call it 'minimal' either... Sure, others may have worse health issues, but hey, this one is all yours. It's your body, with its strength and weaknesses, you need to listen to its complaints and needs. Be more understanding and patient with yourself, and you'll find the tendency to complain to others will also be less overwhelming.
posted by bitteschoen at 6:18 PM on January 22, 2011
(Ha, oops, I didn't realise this question was so old, it came up in a related search...)
posted by bitteschoen at 6:20 PM on January 22, 2011
posted by bitteschoen at 6:20 PM on January 22, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by macska at 5:25 PM on May 30, 2010