too [blank] to f**k
May 27, 2010 8:01 AM Subscribe
Argh, I'm too uptight - or something - to get it up. HELP.
Hello, I'm a guy in my early twenties, and I have psyched myself out about sex. Now it's all going wrong, and I don't know how to fix it. This is the skinny...
I'm fresh out of one big relationship, and now in another quite different one. Sex was all good for a while at the beginning, but following a two-week break from doin' it (medical reasons, hers) - during which we were both excited to get back on the sexy train - I went to pieces. Limp pieces! Almost three months later, things are still unreliable at best.
To put it mildly, there were not a shortage of reasons to get uptight about sex at the beginning, but I'm pretty sure most of those demons have been slayed and now it's mostly a self-conscious, performance anxiety hellspiral.
In trying to move forwards I've done a whole bunch of thinking which has resulted in some temporary progress. Like: I realised I'd convinced myself sex was some kind of huge competition, rather than just a fun thing to do, and that this was ridiculous, and that it's more analogous to having a chat. That was good! We had some sex for a bit after that. But then the problems re-emerged, and this time there's not even an obvious psychological fuckup to blame it on, which is in some ways worse. There are certainly other parts of my life where I thrive at the beginning of something but then find even the slightest expectation a crushing, debilitating burden. (Apologies to every freelance client I've ever had!)
I feel like the problems are now all embedded at a sort of superficial, subconscious level... like we're both aware at the make-out stage that neither of us is really sure if sex is going to happen, which can feel awkward. Sometimes I end up avoiding sexy stuff because it feels like it's only gonna be stressful, which is much more obvious to her than I pretend it is. Sometimes, I realise that's a stupid approach and just go for it no matter what sort of mood I'm in, and sometimes that works but sometimes it doesn't. I find it difficult to say whether or not I'm horny, or not horny but probably will be once it's all happening, or just not in the mood at all. (I get the same about food and sleep... in general physical sensations end up getting mediated through this analytical process of "Hmm, what could my body be trying to tell me?" that my friends find absurd to witness. "Dude, you're hungry. You're just hungry.") Obviously, it's easy at times for the self-talk to become overly distracting, and there's nothing like contemplating the hardness of one's dick to soften the guy up a real treat. (I notice that the whole horniness/gettin' it up thing seems to be less of an issue if we end up making out at some point where escalating the fun is off the table.)
Finally the ambiguous no-pressure fooling around is sort of OK and sometimes effective, but I kind of worry that I'm somehow teaching my body that getting it up is not actually a pre-requisite to pleasure or even orgasms, and in return my body is all like "oh cool then, we'll just chill" and I'm all like "wait what NO!" Even alone, my sexual response has gone all over the map, and that erections are becoming more and more loosely correlated with whether sex is on mind. It's pretty strange. The other day, with the gf, there was some really hot rolling around time, I definitely wasn't worried or self-conscious at all (for once!)... but it still didn't really happen. That was perhaps more worrying than the times where I know I've consciously psyched myself out. Conversely, occasionally there have been days where we've had sex three times before dinnertime, and I'm all like "hey, it's totally fixed! I don't know what the problem even was!" but then the next day, it's back with a vengeance.
Finally, this girl is a real treat, really into sex in a general-enthusiast way, and I think used to guys who are similarly straightforward about things. e.g; she's previously had FWBy arrangements where she can say "hey, wanna screw?" and then be at it a short while later. Whereas if some girl texted me to ask if I wanted to screw, I'd be all "Uh, right, sex? Um, maybe, it's hard to tell. But you know, probably, I think. Oh god, I'm overthinking it now. No, it would probably be awkward now. Not spontaneous enough right? Although..." So, in concert with the more pressing problems, these distinctions are making me challenge the ways I think about sex, in short "how I can be less like me and more like her about it." I've never really thought about sex as an area worthy of introspection or personal growth before now, so that's new.
In my last relationship, a lot of these present issues were probably there latently, but because we saw less of each other, and I got to be in charge of initiating sex, and I felt really secure in the relationship, and confident about being good in bed, I managed to blag it and then bounce back without it becoming so much of a deal.
Anyway, it's all become quite the annoyance, and we're out of ideas, which is a bit scary. In conclusion: we aren't having very much sex, and when we do it's too rushed (it's working! quick! let's do it!) to properly enjoy or experiment with, we fool around some on top of that to varying effect (and sometimes it all dies at the manual->actualsex transition), it's difficult to tell how, if and when I should approach sex. In the process, I feel like I've really lost touch with my own basic instincts, and that sex has become The Sex Problem, rather than just plain ol' good time doin' it.
So any advice on how to move through and on from this awkward state of affairs is appreciated. Ground rules? Thoughts to keep in mind? Stuff the two of us should talk about? Should I just order a ton of Viagra off the internet or what?
[i have a therapist, she's nice and all but i've never been convinced it's that useful for anything. also, in an act of superstition, i've started running? finally, i'm not diagnosed with ADD or anything, but it rings kinda true for me - i am that genre of chap.]
Hello, I'm a guy in my early twenties, and I have psyched myself out about sex. Now it's all going wrong, and I don't know how to fix it. This is the skinny...
I'm fresh out of one big relationship, and now in another quite different one. Sex was all good for a while at the beginning, but following a two-week break from doin' it (medical reasons, hers) - during which we were both excited to get back on the sexy train - I went to pieces. Limp pieces! Almost three months later, things are still unreliable at best.
To put it mildly, there were not a shortage of reasons to get uptight about sex at the beginning, but I'm pretty sure most of those demons have been slayed and now it's mostly a self-conscious, performance anxiety hellspiral.
In trying to move forwards I've done a whole bunch of thinking which has resulted in some temporary progress. Like: I realised I'd convinced myself sex was some kind of huge competition, rather than just a fun thing to do, and that this was ridiculous, and that it's more analogous to having a chat. That was good! We had some sex for a bit after that. But then the problems re-emerged, and this time there's not even an obvious psychological fuckup to blame it on, which is in some ways worse. There are certainly other parts of my life where I thrive at the beginning of something but then find even the slightest expectation a crushing, debilitating burden. (Apologies to every freelance client I've ever had!)
I feel like the problems are now all embedded at a sort of superficial, subconscious level... like we're both aware at the make-out stage that neither of us is really sure if sex is going to happen, which can feel awkward. Sometimes I end up avoiding sexy stuff because it feels like it's only gonna be stressful, which is much more obvious to her than I pretend it is. Sometimes, I realise that's a stupid approach and just go for it no matter what sort of mood I'm in, and sometimes that works but sometimes it doesn't. I find it difficult to say whether or not I'm horny, or not horny but probably will be once it's all happening, or just not in the mood at all. (I get the same about food and sleep... in general physical sensations end up getting mediated through this analytical process of "Hmm, what could my body be trying to tell me?" that my friends find absurd to witness. "Dude, you're hungry. You're just hungry.") Obviously, it's easy at times for the self-talk to become overly distracting, and there's nothing like contemplating the hardness of one's dick to soften the guy up a real treat. (I notice that the whole horniness/gettin' it up thing seems to be less of an issue if we end up making out at some point where escalating the fun is off the table.)
Finally the ambiguous no-pressure fooling around is sort of OK and sometimes effective, but I kind of worry that I'm somehow teaching my body that getting it up is not actually a pre-requisite to pleasure or even orgasms, and in return my body is all like "oh cool then, we'll just chill" and I'm all like "wait what NO!" Even alone, my sexual response has gone all over the map, and that erections are becoming more and more loosely correlated with whether sex is on mind. It's pretty strange. The other day, with the gf, there was some really hot rolling around time, I definitely wasn't worried or self-conscious at all (for once!)... but it still didn't really happen. That was perhaps more worrying than the times where I know I've consciously psyched myself out. Conversely, occasionally there have been days where we've had sex three times before dinnertime, and I'm all like "hey, it's totally fixed! I don't know what the problem even was!" but then the next day, it's back with a vengeance.
Finally, this girl is a real treat, really into sex in a general-enthusiast way, and I think used to guys who are similarly straightforward about things. e.g; she's previously had FWBy arrangements where she can say "hey, wanna screw?" and then be at it a short while later. Whereas if some girl texted me to ask if I wanted to screw, I'd be all "Uh, right, sex? Um, maybe, it's hard to tell. But you know, probably, I think. Oh god, I'm overthinking it now. No, it would probably be awkward now. Not spontaneous enough right? Although..." So, in concert with the more pressing problems, these distinctions are making me challenge the ways I think about sex, in short "how I can be less like me and more like her about it." I've never really thought about sex as an area worthy of introspection or personal growth before now, so that's new.
In my last relationship, a lot of these present issues were probably there latently, but because we saw less of each other, and I got to be in charge of initiating sex, and I felt really secure in the relationship, and confident about being good in bed, I managed to blag it and then bounce back without it becoming so much of a deal.
Anyway, it's all become quite the annoyance, and we're out of ideas, which is a bit scary. In conclusion: we aren't having very much sex, and when we do it's too rushed (it's working! quick! let's do it!) to properly enjoy or experiment with, we fool around some on top of that to varying effect (and sometimes it all dies at the manual->actualsex transition), it's difficult to tell how, if and when I should approach sex. In the process, I feel like I've really lost touch with my own basic instincts, and that sex has become The Sex Problem, rather than just plain ol' good time doin' it.
So any advice on how to move through and on from this awkward state of affairs is appreciated. Ground rules? Thoughts to keep in mind? Stuff the two of us should talk about? Should I just order a ton of Viagra off the internet or what?
[i have a therapist, she's nice and all but i've never been convinced it's that useful for anything. also, in an act of superstition, i've started running? finally, i'm not diagnosed with ADD or anything, but it rings kinda true for me - i am that genre of chap.]
Anxiety has a similar impact on me and you're right - being anxious about the anxiety makes it worse and it's difficult to get past. The nice thing is that once you do get past it you're likely to be done with it.
Why buy viagra off the internet? You have a legitimate reason to just get it via proper channels. Go see your GP, tell him/her you're seeing a shrink but having anxiety issues and it's impacting your sexual performance. It's nothing they haven't heard before. They may suggest something like xanax or perhaps viagra.
As far as the therapist, if you're not getting anything out of it that to me means it's time to find a different shrink or stop going. It's not going to do you any harm to have an impartial person to talk to but if they're not helping you it's time and money wasted. Try someone else.
As far as your over-thinking things, I will say I think this is way too much analysis:
but I kind of worry that I'm somehow teaching my body that getting it up is not actually a pre-requisite to pleasure or even orgasms, and in return my body is all like "oh cool then, we'll just chill" and I'm all like "wait what NO!"
You are never going to be able to train your body out of its imperative to reproduce. You might get in your own way with your anxiety but it's pretty much impossible for you to train yourself out of erections.
My only other suggestion would be to stop equating penetration with sex. Get a vibrator and use it in bed with your sex-positive girl. Perform a lot more oral sex. Hell, buy a strap-on. You really come across as feeling like you cannot provide her a satisfactory sexual experience if you can't penetrate her and that's just not true.
I'd wager a week's pay that if you simply got in the habit of getting into bed with her and satisfying her in other ways that you'd get past this erection problem.
posted by phearlez at 8:47 AM on May 27, 2010 [2 favorites]
Why buy viagra off the internet? You have a legitimate reason to just get it via proper channels. Go see your GP, tell him/her you're seeing a shrink but having anxiety issues and it's impacting your sexual performance. It's nothing they haven't heard before. They may suggest something like xanax or perhaps viagra.
As far as the therapist, if you're not getting anything out of it that to me means it's time to find a different shrink or stop going. It's not going to do you any harm to have an impartial person to talk to but if they're not helping you it's time and money wasted. Try someone else.
As far as your over-thinking things, I will say I think this is way too much analysis:
but I kind of worry that I'm somehow teaching my body that getting it up is not actually a pre-requisite to pleasure or even orgasms, and in return my body is all like "oh cool then, we'll just chill" and I'm all like "wait what NO!"
You are never going to be able to train your body out of its imperative to reproduce. You might get in your own way with your anxiety but it's pretty much impossible for you to train yourself out of erections.
My only other suggestion would be to stop equating penetration with sex. Get a vibrator and use it in bed with your sex-positive girl. Perform a lot more oral sex. Hell, buy a strap-on. You really come across as feeling like you cannot provide her a satisfactory sexual experience if you can't penetrate her and that's just not true.
I'd wager a week's pay that if you simply got in the habit of getting into bed with her and satisfying her in other ways that you'd get past this erection problem.
posted by phearlez at 8:47 AM on May 27, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Sure, get Viagra. It can help break a vicious psychological circle. You might not even need to take one - just having it is enough. Says a friend :)"
I have the same friend. I'm betting 25-50 mg will "straighten" you right up.
posted by TurdBlossom at 9:02 AM on May 27, 2010
I have the same friend. I'm betting 25-50 mg will "straighten" you right up.
posted by TurdBlossom at 9:02 AM on May 27, 2010
As someone whose partner has recently had this "problem"... it solves itself with distraction, healthy alternate activities, and stress-relieving exercise. Don't worry about the girl, except to make sure you're up front about what's happening, and willing to play in non-erection requiring activities. You know, the best part of a softish cock is that the whole thing fits in the mouth. Ahem. So yes, you just have to see it as less of a problem than a temporary glitch. No big deal. You'll be baaaahck.
posted by RedEmma at 12:46 PM on May 27, 2010
posted by RedEmma at 12:46 PM on May 27, 2010
"I got to be in charge of initiating sex" - I hope the your whole problem is not around this.
If it is, everything everyone says will eventually work, but you still need to work on overcoming this idea about being "in charge" of anything.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:38 PM on May 27, 2010
If it is, everything everyone says will eventually work, but you still need to work on overcoming this idea about being "in charge" of anything.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 2:38 PM on May 27, 2010
i think you are overthinking it. you don't have to be more like her about it, you just have to figure out how your way can meet her way in the middle (or on the kitchen table).
why not agree to have sex every night for two weeks or a month, barring illness or injury. just schedule it, no matter if you're in the mood or not. remove spontaneity from the equation altogether. sex isn't just about relieving an itch when it strikes, it's about reaching out to your partner and connecting in a deliberate way, and can be just as intimate by arrangement as it is by accident.
when you do this, the power dynamic becomes totally equal: her arousal doesn't catch you by surprise, and neither does yours, because it's scheduled. if you have an erectile issue, well, you'll just have to fulfill your side of the agreement with your hands or your mouth, and not many women count that as a disaster. if you have a bad streak, use it as an opportunity to find other fun things to try. the point is that this is an agreed-upon period of physical intimacy by any means necessary. i think by the end you'll feel more relaxed and confident about intercourse alternatives and her (surely positive) response to them to not worry so much about your erection.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:29 PM on May 27, 2010
why not agree to have sex every night for two weeks or a month, barring illness or injury. just schedule it, no matter if you're in the mood or not. remove spontaneity from the equation altogether. sex isn't just about relieving an itch when it strikes, it's about reaching out to your partner and connecting in a deliberate way, and can be just as intimate by arrangement as it is by accident.
when you do this, the power dynamic becomes totally equal: her arousal doesn't catch you by surprise, and neither does yours, because it's scheduled. if you have an erectile issue, well, you'll just have to fulfill your side of the agreement with your hands or your mouth, and not many women count that as a disaster. if you have a bad streak, use it as an opportunity to find other fun things to try. the point is that this is an agreed-upon period of physical intimacy by any means necessary. i think by the end you'll feel more relaxed and confident about intercourse alternatives and her (surely positive) response to them to not worry so much about your erection.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:29 PM on May 27, 2010
I agree with Lesser Shrew. I don't know your personal tastes, but based off of this one statement, perhaps you could try a little domination play with your girl (if she's down with it of course). It could possibly remove any sense of pressure that you feel about performance, and let you "be in charge" - if that's what you're looking for. Along those same lines, maybe try thinking of some fun things to do that will spice things up in the bedroom but don't require your soldier to be at full attention.
Based on personal experience, I'd hazard that this is a common problem that usually eventually works itself out. Keep a positive attitude!
posted by bloody_bonnie at 8:34 AM on May 29, 2010
Based on personal experience, I'd hazard that this is a common problem that usually eventually works itself out. Keep a positive attitude!
posted by bloody_bonnie at 8:34 AM on May 29, 2010
Best answer: I think I'm of your genre. Here follows a brief bio to establish that and then some anecdotal advice, the useful of which is predicated on our similarity.
I've had some relationships where I experienced similar problems, down to the precise details you describe. And then in other relationships, no trouble at all. The general pattern was that the more open and sexually "challenging" (only approximately the right word) the girl, the more likely I was to experience problems. That tended to trigger the "perceived expectation" bug.
Then one failure would breed the fear of further failures, and even when everything seemed perfect, just one instant of worry/panic could ruin a session. Even in a session where we had already been successfully having intercourse for a few minutes! And it all grew into a big, serious drama as I contemplated the reasons and consequences.
Now the advice. I'm going to phrase it as instructions, for brevity. This was effective, but I had a very optimistic and supportive girl who was willing to try anything to kickstart our sex life. I hope you do too.
Take sexual intercourse off the menu, indefinitely, on the grounds that you need to reduce your anxiety levels. All other forms of sexual play are permitted, and encouraged, but who needs to go through that shitty feeling of yet another failed attempt?
Of course, that is the official line only. It is what you tell her, so that you know that she isn't expecting sex from you right now. The next part you keep to yourself.
As often as you can bear, you are going to "try anyway, what the hell." Opportunities will present themselves. Maybe you know she's nice and wet, and she's sucking you off and because you're not too stressed about having to use it, your dick is behaving responsibly. So you grab a condom (without your dick seeing, obviously), open it and launch a surprise "hey, come up here and fuck me." (You're on your back and she'll be on top. In minimizes her traveling distance between awkward failures). Quickly you will try to apply the condom, which hopefully won't work like shrink wrap, the real thing.
Suppose this does not lead to successful penetration. Your only concern then is to not be too concerned. Don't drift off into the mess that is your psyche. Joke about it or not, according to taste. Throw the condom across the room in disgust if you like. Do something to get your attention back into the real, juicy world around you. Remember, she has no business expecting sex from you so it's okay. What she is expecting is some pleasant tomfoolery with your mind focused on the task at hand, so get back to it.
If it does lead to successful penetration, then slow down immediately. Try to enjoy the tiniest sensations. Don't rush to get some frantic sex in so you can feel better about your problem. Everyone knows it was just a lucky shot. Pull out completely. Do the penetration again. Savour this moment. Focus on her, on you, on the two of you. This connection is what you're after. Try some other cliches. The point here is to lose this idea of sex as something you have to do and experience it as the thing you are doing, in detail. Keep moving only slowly, talk to her, just lie back and relax. Note your panic and worries, but try not to get wrapped up. Focus on the physical reality of the situation. Do this slow mushy stuff until you can't bear it anymore and you have to fuck her NOW. Try, if you like. You'll probably go limp. Laugh it off and repeat the whole process. You did say you weren't having intercourse, anyway.
Doing this kind of thing to draw my attention to the actual present physical and emotional pleasure of sex, instead of the potential problems, was the cure for me. Now, even if I am feeling a little concerned I can just brush it off, relax and wait for the sex to unfold.
Finally, a bit of exercise will help. Too much will hinder. Don't get it into your deluded brain that you should run for three hours every day. And don't pretend that you wouldn't think like that :)
posted by thisillusion at 6:21 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've had some relationships where I experienced similar problems, down to the precise details you describe. And then in other relationships, no trouble at all. The general pattern was that the more open and sexually "challenging" (only approximately the right word) the girl, the more likely I was to experience problems. That tended to trigger the "perceived expectation" bug.
Then one failure would breed the fear of further failures, and even when everything seemed perfect, just one instant of worry/panic could ruin a session. Even in a session where we had already been successfully having intercourse for a few minutes! And it all grew into a big, serious drama as I contemplated the reasons and consequences.
Now the advice. I'm going to phrase it as instructions, for brevity. This was effective, but I had a very optimistic and supportive girl who was willing to try anything to kickstart our sex life. I hope you do too.
Take sexual intercourse off the menu, indefinitely, on the grounds that you need to reduce your anxiety levels. All other forms of sexual play are permitted, and encouraged, but who needs to go through that shitty feeling of yet another failed attempt?
Of course, that is the official line only. It is what you tell her, so that you know that she isn't expecting sex from you right now. The next part you keep to yourself.
As often as you can bear, you are going to "try anyway, what the hell." Opportunities will present themselves. Maybe you know she's nice and wet, and she's sucking you off and because you're not too stressed about having to use it, your dick is behaving responsibly. So you grab a condom (without your dick seeing, obviously), open it and launch a surprise "hey, come up here and fuck me." (You're on your back and she'll be on top. In minimizes her traveling distance between awkward failures). Quickly you will try to apply the condom, which hopefully won't work like shrink wrap, the real thing.
Suppose this does not lead to successful penetration. Your only concern then is to not be too concerned. Don't drift off into the mess that is your psyche. Joke about it or not, according to taste. Throw the condom across the room in disgust if you like. Do something to get your attention back into the real, juicy world around you. Remember, she has no business expecting sex from you so it's okay. What she is expecting is some pleasant tomfoolery with your mind focused on the task at hand, so get back to it.
If it does lead to successful penetration, then slow down immediately. Try to enjoy the tiniest sensations. Don't rush to get some frantic sex in so you can feel better about your problem. Everyone knows it was just a lucky shot. Pull out completely. Do the penetration again. Savour this moment. Focus on her, on you, on the two of you. This connection is what you're after. Try some other cliches. The point here is to lose this idea of sex as something you have to do and experience it as the thing you are doing, in detail. Keep moving only slowly, talk to her, just lie back and relax. Note your panic and worries, but try not to get wrapped up. Focus on the physical reality of the situation. Do this slow mushy stuff until you can't bear it anymore and you have to fuck her NOW. Try, if you like. You'll probably go limp. Laugh it off and repeat the whole process. You did say you weren't having intercourse, anyway.
Doing this kind of thing to draw my attention to the actual present physical and emotional pleasure of sex, instead of the potential problems, was the cure for me. Now, even if I am feeling a little concerned I can just brush it off, relax and wait for the sex to unfold.
Finally, a bit of exercise will help. Too much will hinder. Don't get it into your deluded brain that you should run for three hours every day. And don't pretend that you wouldn't think like that :)
posted by thisillusion at 6:21 AM on June 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Seems like "thisillusion" knows what's up. I look forward to adding a "resolved" tag in the not-too-distant future :-)
posted by jetsam at 7:27 PM on June 27, 2010
posted by jetsam at 7:27 PM on June 27, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
There is no big, epic solution to this. It is going to be a puzzle of small simple-to-do things. That means that you have the power to fix this, which is great.
Sure, get Viagra. It can help break a vicious psychological circle. You might not even need to take one - just having it is enough. Says a friend :)
posted by krilli at 8:14 AM on May 27, 2010 [1 favorite]