How to help my ego recover after my boyfriend comment ?
May 24, 2010 1:23 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend said today while talking about some bad experiences about his ex girlfriends that he wrongly used to look for the wrong type of girl based more in their physical attractiveness. I feel hurt and resentful as obviously his comment implies I am not physically as attractive then, as he is with me . He's very handsome and quite often look /glances other girls when we are together.
Should I said to him that I want to be with someone who thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world and he also should stop looking other girls? That sounds pretty insecure and for sure it will push him away. But then how to deal with these feelings? I don't know what to say or how to react when I next talk to him, as I my ego is hurt and I feel very upset. please some advice. thanks.
My boyfriend said today while talking about some bad experiences about his ex girlfriends that he wrongly used to look for the wrong type of girl based more in their physical attractiveness. I feel hurt and resentful as obviously his comment implies I am not physically as attractive then, as he is with me .
I think you have two separate issues. First, I don't think his comment necessarily implies this, but the way you've written it, it is a bit difficult to parse. It sounds like he means that he used to put physical attractiveness over other qualities that he later realized were more important - but this is something to ask your boyfriend about. "What did you mean when you said...?"
The second problem is that you catch him looking at other women when you're together. It's not clear whether this is blatant leering, a quick glance or what, but whatever it is, that bothers you and is a separate issue the two of you should talk about.
posted by canine epigram at 1:32 PM on May 24, 2010
I think you have two separate issues. First, I don't think his comment necessarily implies this, but the way you've written it, it is a bit difficult to parse. It sounds like he means that he used to put physical attractiveness over other qualities that he later realized were more important - but this is something to ask your boyfriend about. "What did you mean when you said...?"
The second problem is that you catch him looking at other women when you're together. It's not clear whether this is blatant leering, a quick glance or what, but whatever it is, that bothers you and is a separate issue the two of you should talk about.
posted by canine epigram at 1:32 PM on May 24, 2010
He says: "I used to only date hot girls."
You interpret: "Because I am dating you now, therefore I am not not a hot girl."
Alternative interpretation: "My boyfriend has matured to the point where he decides to date girls on more than their looks. Therefore, he values me more than girls he has dated in the past. Hooray for me. Moreover, I could still be a hot girl in his eyes, because where once he dated them only based on their looks, that does not logically exclude me from the hot girl pool. I could be a hot girl AND a smart girl."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:33 PM on May 24, 2010 [34 favorites]
You interpret: "Because I am dating you now, therefore I am not not a hot girl."
Alternative interpretation: "My boyfriend has matured to the point where he decides to date girls on more than their looks. Therefore, he values me more than girls he has dated in the past. Hooray for me. Moreover, I could still be a hot girl in his eyes, because where once he dated them only based on their looks, that does not logically exclude me from the hot girl pool. I could be a hot girl AND a smart girl."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:33 PM on May 24, 2010 [34 favorites]
"Umm, what did you mean by that? I hope I'm not taking your comment the wrong way. Let's talk about it."
If you are not, in fact, the most beautiful person in the world, you are setting an expectation that your boyfriend constantly lie to you in order to avoid you feeling resentful. That is not a successful operating procedure. And what good can possibly come out of comparing yourself to ex-girlfriends?
posted by Saucy Intruder at 1:34 PM on May 24, 2010 [9 favorites]
If you are not, in fact, the most beautiful person in the world, you are setting an expectation that your boyfriend constantly lie to you in order to avoid you feeling resentful. That is not a successful operating procedure. And what good can possibly come out of comparing yourself to ex-girlfriends?
posted by Saucy Intruder at 1:34 PM on May 24, 2010 [9 favorites]
It was a doofy thing to say, for sure, but it's flattering if you dig below how it was phrased. He used to choose girls based on factors that don't ultimately mean anything when it comes to long-term relationships. He realizes that was a mistake, and he chose you based on more solid relationship criteria. It does not necessarily mean he thinks you're less attractive than his exes.
On preview: Cool Papa Bell has it, too.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:35 PM on May 24, 2010
On preview: Cool Papa Bell has it, too.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:35 PM on May 24, 2010
(he) used to look for the wrong type of girl based more in their physical attractiveness.
So .... he has matured then? He is no longer chasing tail and wants to settle in a mature relationship with someone who he connects with on more levels than just the sexual?
I want to be with someone who thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world ... my ego is hurt.
These comments are just as superficial as what you're accusing your boyfriend of being.
posted by TheOtherGuy at 1:35 PM on May 24, 2010 [13 favorites]
So .... he has matured then? He is no longer chasing tail and wants to settle in a mature relationship with someone who he connects with on more levels than just the sexual?
I want to be with someone who thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world ... my ego is hurt.
These comments are just as superficial as what you're accusing your boyfriend of being.
posted by TheOtherGuy at 1:35 PM on May 24, 2010 [13 favorites]
I hope this was more a case of the foot-in-mouth disease that we men tend to catch.
Assuming he was not being snarky (and only you can tell this), then I would consider it a positive thing that physical attractiveness is not at the top of his list.
This does NOT mean that it's at the bottom of the list, and it does NOT mean that he doesn't consider you physically attractive, although I can see why it ended up sounding like that.
Take it for what it's worth, which is most likely an attempt to open up about his feelings. It might even have been quite hard for him to say, and the fact he said it at all should be a validation of his feelings for you.
It's ok to seek validation for your beauty and attractiveness, especially in loving and sometimes playful ways. It's probably not ok to insist he doesn't look at other girls. He has eyes and he's male. It's how he handles it that's important, and he's already told you in essence that he used to not handle it well but has had an eye-opening so to speak, which seems to me to be a good thing.
posted by blue_wardrobe at 1:38 PM on May 24, 2010
Assuming he was not being snarky (and only you can tell this), then I would consider it a positive thing that physical attractiveness is not at the top of his list.
This does NOT mean that it's at the bottom of the list, and it does NOT mean that he doesn't consider you physically attractive, although I can see why it ended up sounding like that.
Take it for what it's worth, which is most likely an attempt to open up about his feelings. It might even have been quite hard for him to say, and the fact he said it at all should be a validation of his feelings for you.
It's ok to seek validation for your beauty and attractiveness, especially in loving and sometimes playful ways. It's probably not ok to insist he doesn't look at other girls. He has eyes and he's male. It's how he handles it that's important, and he's already told you in essence that he used to not handle it well but has had an eye-opening so to speak, which seems to me to be a good thing.
posted by blue_wardrobe at 1:38 PM on May 24, 2010
seems to me he was trying to compliment you. if he said "only on their physical attractiveness" would you still feel slighted? I would imagine he meant you are attractive in more than just the physical way instead of that you are not attractive physical way.
posted by domino at 1:39 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by domino at 1:39 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
On preview, what everyone else said too. Boy, this crowd's fast.
posted by blue_wardrobe at 1:39 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by blue_wardrobe at 1:39 PM on May 24, 2010
You're not the most beautiful woman in the world. And if your boyfriend were with you because you were, he'd leave as soon as you acquired an imperfection like a wrinkle or five extra pounds. But he wouldn't be your boyfriend if he didn't think you were attractive.
He's with you because he thinks you're hot, plus he likes a bunch of other stuff about you. That's awesome!
(And he's going to find other woman attractive. That's just part of being human, particularly male; we notice when a woman's pretty. That doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it, or that he's not attracted to you. Did you stop noticing attractive men when you started dating him?)
posted by EarBucket at 1:41 PM on May 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
He's with you because he thinks you're hot, plus he likes a bunch of other stuff about you. That's awesome!
(And he's going to find other woman attractive. That's just part of being human, particularly male; we notice when a woman's pretty. That doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it, or that he's not attracted to you. Did you stop noticing attractive men when you started dating him?)
posted by EarBucket at 1:41 PM on May 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
Most men can't break the cycle of being attracted to physically attractive women so I am guessing he was also physically attracted to you in the same manner he was with other women previously. He may have meant that previously he ignored the fact that they weren't the complete package and went out with them simply because of looks despite the lack of inner beauty. And now that he has found the whole package he is able to contrast now with previous experiences.
posted by thorny at 1:43 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by thorny at 1:43 PM on May 24, 2010
I'm with royalsong, if he isn't used to communicating his feelings, he may have just done a really bad job of communicating. For example, he could mean any of the following:
-I used to look for the wrong type of girl who rely entirely on their looks without having any substance, intelligence, personality or charm. You, my love, have looks, personality, intelligence, charm and substance.
-I used to look for the wrong type of girl, one whom others would consider "attractive" because Western society puts these scrawny, empty-headed, faux blondes on every d*mn cereal box in the store. How brainwashed was I all of those years, when I could have had you--you gorgeous, real, lovely woman!
-I used to only consider a girl's looks and I ended up with the wrong type of girl many times because of that. I am so glad I'm with you, a wonderful, smart, compassionate, girl who is sexy and attractive to boot!
-Etc. etc.
You are interpreting what he is saying through your insecurity about being with him based upon his looks, maybe? And so what if he admires an attractive woman? (I admire the occasional handsome man from a purely aesthetic perspective, but will always prefer my handsome husband to any of them.) If he leers instead of glances (i.e. "Whew! Look at the rack on her, would ya, hon??"), though, or has a track record of cheating on previous girlfriends, that would change my answer of course.
posted by jeanmari at 1:45 PM on May 24, 2010
-I used to look for the wrong type of girl who rely entirely on their looks without having any substance, intelligence, personality or charm. You, my love, have looks, personality, intelligence, charm and substance.
-I used to look for the wrong type of girl, one whom others would consider "attractive" because Western society puts these scrawny, empty-headed, faux blondes on every d*mn cereal box in the store. How brainwashed was I all of those years, when I could have had you--you gorgeous, real, lovely woman!
-I used to only consider a girl's looks and I ended up with the wrong type of girl many times because of that. I am so glad I'm with you, a wonderful, smart, compassionate, girl who is sexy and attractive to boot!
-Etc. etc.
You are interpreting what he is saying through your insecurity about being with him based upon his looks, maybe? And so what if he admires an attractive woman? (I admire the occasional handsome man from a purely aesthetic perspective, but will always prefer my handsome husband to any of them.) If he leers instead of glances (i.e. "Whew! Look at the rack on her, would ya, hon??"), though, or has a track record of cheating on previous girlfriends, that would change my answer of course.
posted by jeanmari at 1:45 PM on May 24, 2010
your ego isn't bruised because of something your boyfriend said, your ego is bruised because of something you said to yourself. figure out why you want to say bad things about yourself and you'll be better for it.
posted by nadawi at 1:45 PM on May 24, 2010 [20 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 1:45 PM on May 24, 2010 [20 favorites]
Oh, come on. If Brad Pitt/Johnny Depp/Jonas Brothers/[insert other really hot celebrity of your choice]/your super-cute next door neighbour strolled up in front of you on the street, you wouldn't even take a look? Really?
Because you realize that's exactly all your boyfriend's doing, right? (Unless he's blatantly goggling/leering, which I would assume you'd mention in your post.) Telling him he can't look at other women is like telling him he can't have eyes. Yes, men--a lot of them!--look at women. And a lot of women would check out and shoot appreciative glances at a good-looking man they run across. Honestly, that's pretty normal.
I actually had to re-read your post a few times to actually see how what he said could've been misconstrued as not being appreciative of you. I think he was complimenting your brains/style/other quality that's not purely aesthetic. If he said he's was purely into looks before, but isn't anymore, then that'd imply that not only are you physically attractive to him (because otherwise, why would he be with you?) but also have other [insert sterling qualities] that further attract you to him.
Deep breath. Misunderstanding, that's all this is.
posted by Hakaisha at 1:47 PM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Because you realize that's exactly all your boyfriend's doing, right? (Unless he's blatantly goggling/leering, which I would assume you'd mention in your post.) Telling him he can't look at other women is like telling him he can't have eyes. Yes, men--a lot of them!--look at women. And a lot of women would check out and shoot appreciative glances at a good-looking man they run across. Honestly, that's pretty normal.
I actually had to re-read your post a few times to actually see how what he said could've been misconstrued as not being appreciative of you. I think he was complimenting your brains/style/other quality that's not purely aesthetic. If he said he's was purely into looks before, but isn't anymore, then that'd imply that not only are you physically attractive to him (because otherwise, why would he be with you?) but also have other [insert sterling qualities] that further attract you to him.
Deep breath. Misunderstanding, that's all this is.
posted by Hakaisha at 1:47 PM on May 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Keep in mind that no matter how beautiful you are, there's always someone more beautiful. Don't expect to ever be THE MOST BEAUTIFUL in his eyes if you're only basing that definition on looks alone. Being beautiful in his eyes is probably a lot more that just about your looks. It may be your intelligence, your care, your sense of humor all combined with the other qualities that make you You.
Let's look at a different set of people as an example. I'm a short, overweight, 30 something woman who's frequently frazzled due to a couple of energetic kids and a full-time job. My husband tells me all the time that I'm gorgeous. Am I? Not really. By most definitions, I'm cute. Gorgeous is Selma Hayek. She'd turn his eye in a nano-second as she would most men I know. While he's not run into Selma that I know of in recent weeks, he's run into other women that I'd easily say are more physically attractive than me. I'm not worried in either scenario because there's more to this package of what he finds beautiful than just my physical beauty. He's coming home with me. Who cares if he looks at other attractive people. He's not dead.
posted by onhazier at 1:49 PM on May 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
Let's look at a different set of people as an example. I'm a short, overweight, 30 something woman who's frequently frazzled due to a couple of energetic kids and a full-time job. My husband tells me all the time that I'm gorgeous. Am I? Not really. By most definitions, I'm cute. Gorgeous is Selma Hayek. She'd turn his eye in a nano-second as she would most men I know. While he's not run into Selma that I know of in recent weeks, he's run into other women that I'd easily say are more physically attractive than me. I'm not worried in either scenario because there's more to this package of what he finds beautiful than just my physical beauty. He's coming home with me. Who cares if he looks at other attractive people. He's not dead.
posted by onhazier at 1:49 PM on May 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'll go a step further -- I guarantee you your boyfriend wasn't saying "I used to date hot chicks, but now I'm with you, who is not hot." He phrased what he meant to say rather poorly, but unless he's a prick in a million other ways, there is no chance he was playing a linguistic game to inform you he doesn't think you're pretty.
I understand being a little taken aback by the phrasing, but people accidentally phrase things like this all the time. Unless you have other reasons to think he finds you unattractive, let it go.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:58 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I understand being a little taken aback by the phrasing, but people accidentally phrase things like this all the time. Unless you have other reasons to think he finds you unattractive, let it go.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:58 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ugh, can we please stop it with the "he's male" business? It's not often that women get excused from a given behavior by virtue of being female. Besides, a lot of women have wondering eyes too.
I agree with the other posters that your boyfriend probably wasn't saying you're not hot. However, I think it's absolutely fair to ask him not to check out other girls when you're together considering that it bothers you. Yes, I know that it's natural to look at other people, but it's also natural to fart or scratch one's genitals and people usually refrain from doing those things when social decor requires it. It's a question of how much he values your feelings.
You seem really insecure about your relationship, and a lot of people are jumping down your throat for it. One thing you said that stood out in particular is that you know "for sure that it will push him away". It doesn't sound like he's especially considerate of your feelings. Some people check out others in front of their partner without any regard to their partner's feelings. Still others do it to establish/confirm that they can get away with it as some kind of sick power trip. I'm not saying that this is the case with your boyfriend. However, I would like to remind all the posters who are jumping down your throat for being insecure that some people suck, and that your insecurity may reflect your perception of your boyfriend's attitude towards you. I'm not saying that it IS this way, but it seems that everyone else is assuming that your boyfriend is essentially a good guy, and I think that's equally irresponsible.
posted by randomname25 at 2:08 PM on May 24, 2010 [10 favorites]
I agree with the other posters that your boyfriend probably wasn't saying you're not hot. However, I think it's absolutely fair to ask him not to check out other girls when you're together considering that it bothers you. Yes, I know that it's natural to look at other people, but it's also natural to fart or scratch one's genitals and people usually refrain from doing those things when social decor requires it. It's a question of how much he values your feelings.
You seem really insecure about your relationship, and a lot of people are jumping down your throat for it. One thing you said that stood out in particular is that you know "for sure that it will push him away". It doesn't sound like he's especially considerate of your feelings. Some people check out others in front of their partner without any regard to their partner's feelings. Still others do it to establish/confirm that they can get away with it as some kind of sick power trip. I'm not saying that this is the case with your boyfriend. However, I would like to remind all the posters who are jumping down your throat for being insecure that some people suck, and that your insecurity may reflect your perception of your boyfriend's attitude towards you. I'm not saying that it IS this way, but it seems that everyone else is assuming that your boyfriend is essentially a good guy, and I think that's equally irresponsible.
posted by randomname25 at 2:08 PM on May 24, 2010 [10 favorites]
I've said basically the same thing your boyfriend did, not to a girlfriend but to a romantic prospect. She had a similar reaction to yours -- "So you're saying I'm not attractive?!" I was taken aback, for two reasons: (1) that wasn't at all what I meant (I was just trying to have an honest conversation about our views on dating, not trying to judge her as if she were in a beauty contest), and (2) it's an illogical inference. Saying you don't overwhelmingly prioritize physical appearance isn't saying that your partner is unattractive, just like saying you don't overwhelmingly prioritize height isn't saying your partner is short. Also, I thought it would actually be a good thing to be honest with her about my feelings, especially ones that many people would consider a mark of maturity. (By the way, things didn't work out between me and her, and I don't regret this ... even though she was extremely attractive.)
Is your problem that he phrased it the wrong way? Or is your problem that he has the thought itself? If it's the latter, that's too bad, since you can't change his thoughts. You can either accept them or find someone else who has different thoughts. Do you think you'd prefer being with someone who didn't share his sentiment -- that is, someone who places a very, very high priority on looks? I'm sure you can find men like that, if you want. But is that what you really want?
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:11 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is your problem that he phrased it the wrong way? Or is your problem that he has the thought itself? If it's the latter, that's too bad, since you can't change his thoughts. You can either accept them or find someone else who has different thoughts. Do you think you'd prefer being with someone who didn't share his sentiment -- that is, someone who places a very, very high priority on looks? I'm sure you can find men like that, if you want. But is that what you really want?
posted by Jaltcoh at 2:11 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think he meant is as a high compliment, but you should still tell him how you feel. Just say, when you say you no longer value looks, I feel like you may not find me attractive.
posted by xammerboy at 2:12 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by xammerboy at 2:12 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I am so so grateful with all your answers so far.. more than giving me a clear perspective of the situation, they are helping me to evaluate myself and my reactions with a better understanding. I'll keep reading them again and again. thanks a million . xxxx
posted by zulo at 2:27 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by zulo at 2:27 PM on May 24, 2010
“Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” - Sam Keen
He was giving you a compliment. It may not have been the best way to say it, however, it is a compliment. (That's what it seems like to me) He likes you for more than just your looks. that's a HUGE compliment. Yeah it's nice to hear, "baby, you're beautiful". Sometimes we have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, then ask ourselves, "is that what he/she really meant or am I just reading into it too much?". Us women tend to read into things way too much. He is being honest and open with you. That should mean something to you as well. He likes you enough to be so open about things.
posted by zombiehoohaa at 3:17 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
He was giving you a compliment. It may not have been the best way to say it, however, it is a compliment. (That's what it seems like to me) He likes you for more than just your looks. that's a HUGE compliment. Yeah it's nice to hear, "baby, you're beautiful". Sometimes we have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, then ask ourselves, "is that what he/she really meant or am I just reading into it too much?". Us women tend to read into things way too much. He is being honest and open with you. That should mean something to you as well. He likes you enough to be so open about things.
posted by zombiehoohaa at 3:17 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) Had I said that to my girlfriend I would have meant that whereas previous girlfriend were just pretty bodies, she is a pretty body and an amazing personality. Don't read too much into it.
2) Men like looking at pretty women and we can't stop. Doing it while with a girlfriend (and I mean in the presence of a girlfriend, not while dating a girlfriend) is just bad form. When I'm with my girlfriend I have to make a conscious effort to avoid looking at pretty women we might pass on the sidewalk or wherever. But when she's not around? Sky's the limit then. And what's wrong with that? I have no doubt in my mind that she would look at a handsome man on the street. It'd be weird if she didn't. So let go of that whole "I should be the most beautiful woman in the world to him and he should never look at anyone else" mindset.
posted by fso at 3:58 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
2) Men like looking at pretty women and we can't stop. Doing it while with a girlfriend (and I mean in the presence of a girlfriend, not while dating a girlfriend) is just bad form. When I'm with my girlfriend I have to make a conscious effort to avoid looking at pretty women we might pass on the sidewalk or wherever. But when she's not around? Sky's the limit then. And what's wrong with that? I have no doubt in my mind that she would look at a handsome man on the street. It'd be weird if she didn't. So let go of that whole "I should be the most beautiful woman in the world to him and he should never look at anyone else" mindset.
posted by fso at 3:58 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ugh, what a stupid thing for him to have said.
My standard advice is, be honest and tell him how this comment made you feel. He'll never know it hurt you if you don't open up to him. Maybe it is simply a miscommunication and talking it over will make it clearer what he meant. In any case your feelings are obviously hurt so you need to discuss this with him.
posted by Lobster Garden at 5:42 PM on May 24, 2010
My standard advice is, be honest and tell him how this comment made you feel. He'll never know it hurt you if you don't open up to him. Maybe it is simply a miscommunication and talking it over will make it clearer what he meant. In any case your feelings are obviously hurt so you need to discuss this with him.
posted by Lobster Garden at 5:42 PM on May 24, 2010
I should also say--we men often suck at expressing ourselves to women; we speak an entirely different language much of the time. The most important skill my wife and I have learned in our marriage is the ability to say to each other: "When you said X, I heard Y." Then the other person can say "Oh! When I said X, I meant Z!" It's really amazing how much healthier a relationship gets when you can do that.
posted by EarBucket at 7:36 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by EarBucket at 7:36 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is what he meant to say: He's with you because he thinks you're all-around awesome. Value yourself for being so all-around awesome! Winning the Miss All-Around Awesome crown is much better than winning a beauty title.
posted by drlith at 8:38 PM on May 24, 2010
posted by drlith at 8:38 PM on May 24, 2010
zulonline - I'm so glad you were able to re-read this with the ask.me Filter.
As a female, card carrying, member of the foot in mouth disease club I have to say that one of the ways I was able to work through things like this with women I've dated is to ask them to ask for clarification when I say something that strikes them the wrong way. It's usually a good sign that I was being lazy with my language. Cause honestly? I do only date hot chicks. But I also date only smart chics. And I'm working on that whole "not crazy" chic thing. ;)
oh and? IFDS,SN9? I think you still get excused on account of being a hero.
posted by FlamingBore at 8:42 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
As a female, card carrying, member of the foot in mouth disease club I have to say that one of the ways I was able to work through things like this with women I've dated is to ask them to ask for clarification when I say something that strikes them the wrong way. It's usually a good sign that I was being lazy with my language. Cause honestly? I do only date hot chicks. But I also date only smart chics. And I'm working on that whole "not crazy" chic thing. ;)
oh and? IFDS,SN9? I think you still get excused on account of being a hero.
posted by FlamingBore at 8:42 PM on May 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mod note: few comments removed - if you need to take this to MetaTalk I understand but two words from one comment need to not derail an entire thread.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:06 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:06 PM on May 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your boyfriend was opening up to you and talking about his feelings. He wasn't insulting you, and I bet that was never his intentions. Not only that, but he is male. Physical attractiveness is going to draw their attention. In the especially young and inexperienced, this is the first thing they gravitate to.
Don't make assumptions about his opinion of you. He might have been complimenting the things he loves about you that aren't physical attractiveness. Think about it like that.
Don't force him to not do stuff. Whether that is looking at other girls, porn, or whatever. He's still going to do it, except now he's going to do it and feel guilty and resentment toward you for limiting him.
Let it go, or talk to him openly that when he said that, it made you feel like you're not physically attractive to him. Let the conversation flow from there.
Communication will set you free.
posted by royalsong at 1:30 PM on May 24, 2010 [14 favorites]