Special combo: extreme anxiety, impending breakup, and financial meltdown. How do I deal?

May 19, 2010 11:35 AM

Extreme anxiety, perhaps for good reason. What resources should I be seeking?

I've always had problems with anxiety, but now I actually have something to be anxious about: impending foreclosure, no good options on where to go, very little work, savings are dwindling, no daily routine, no room on the credit cards, and for good measure, a relationship that has gone south and is likely ending (surprise! I'm not what my lover wants, after all). I used to have a well-paying career in a cubicle, and then worked for several years as an independent contractor, but my field has dried up. I'm in my late 40s and female. I have $18,000 in savings and I am very fearful about what might happen when/if that's gone. I'm not the tough, intrepid type, definitely not tough enough to be homeless and when I think about homelessness (which is often), I become freaked out and start believing it will happen and about how I won't be able to handle it. Please help me sort this out: is there something I can do today to start moving towards recovery? What other resources should be I be considering -- from herbal remedies to free support groups? Most importantly, is it worth applying some of that $18,000 to therapy/psychiatry/medicine? Until recently, I was eking by, so I am not eligible for social services, as far as I know. Throwaway email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (7 answers total)

I suffer from (relatively mild) anxiety, so I understand where you're coming from. That said, anxiety is sometime warranted, though obviously it's a problem when it causes immense stress and can also be immobilising, which is not what you need right now.

I would have thought that, given the logical basis for your feelings of anxiety, the best way to go would be counselling (rather than psychiatry), someone to help with your practical worries and help you to move forward rather than to medicate the anxiety away. Like I said, I've suffered from it and take medication for it, but there is a time and a place for it and in your current situation it doesn't seem completely inappropriate.

Perhaps if you could let a mod know your location, that might help others to advise on counselling resources, social services in your area, even foreclosure laws?

Then once you have a bit of a handle on the practical problems, you can look into coping with *inappropriate* anxiety. CBT worked wonders for me, but I don't think that should be your first step at this stage.
posted by different at 11:51 AM on May 19, 2010

It sounds like you going through a rough spot to say the least.

First, I think that for most people 4 things are their sources of strength: work, a significant other, a stable place to live and friends. If you're assessment is true 3 out of 4 of those sources of strength are challenged. Most people would get anxious because of that. So make a clear effort to engage your 4th strength to the max; use your friends. Ask them for advice and social support. Ask for help even from acquaintances. The worst that can happen is that they know you need help or that they might say no.
Second, if you can't get medication or therapy you can do endurance sports regularly to manage the adrenalin and feelings of anxiety. You need to be clearheaded and effective at this point in time. So managing your anxiety is important.
Third, see if you can change the fact that you run the risk of losing 3 sources of strength at the same time. Can you and your significant other agree to delay your relationship problems until you're in quieter water for example? Help eachother through this.
Fourth, are all 3 problems that bad if they came to pass? For instance; if foreclosure would happen would that necessarily mean becoming homeless? Or would you have to move to a very cheap place? That would be painful but you would be able to make it through. Can you get a social worker to explain to you how these things work and what your options are?

Hang in there. You need to be strong now.
Best of luck.
posted by joost de vries at 12:11 PM on May 19, 2010 [1 favorite]

So you own the house, but it's being foreclosed on? Is it too late to sell? Sell the house, move into something that's reasonably priced (if that means back home, then move back home).

You don't say how much debt you have, but if you can sell the house, use the money to pay off your debt. If not, consolidate your credit card debts by way of balance transfer to a low interest card (most I've seen lately have been 6 to 18 months interest free balance transfer)

It sounds like you don't have work, and if you do, not very much- you don't say where you are, but check out local therapists/psychiatrists and ask if they work on sliding scales- most do/or will, especially if you are as hard off as you say in this post.

keep the 18k in savings and don't use it unless it's an emergency (a trip to the hospital type emergency).

The biggest one is quit drinking/doing drugs! If you don't, great, if you do, even drink occasionally, STOP- it only makes your depression/anxiety worse.

No herbal remedies are really going to help, you should do what you can with support groups, as you don't say where you are, we can't really help you with that. If you do drink/do drugs, you could always go to a AA or NA meetings, though I'm not sure how helpful those would actually be.

As for your relationship, if you think it's going downhill and not salvageable because it actually is, cut and run. If it is because of the impact of what you are going through, admit you are defeated (or coming close) and ask for help from your SO.

There's alot to be done and it sounds like it's gonna be alot of work, but what do we know, we're the internet. Just focus on one thing at a time until it is complete. Put it away and congratulate yourself on that one thing. Good luck.
posted by TheBones at 12:11 PM on May 19, 2010

You can nurture your other relationships -- family, friends, professional contacts. This will not only distract you from freaking out, if you call or write someone every time you start feeling anxious, but can actually help you land your next position or apartment or whatever.

Don't feel you should unload your anxiety every time you talk to someone. Maybe a close friend (although counseling might be helpful for this instead). By talking and communicating about positive things, you'll put yourself in a better frame of mind, maybe cheer others (who isn't anxious these days), and associate yourself with those positive truths.

Good luck. I'd be scared too. I hope I could follow my own advice.
posted by amtho at 12:12 PM on May 19, 2010

www.flylady.net and a $4 generic antidepressant is what I'd start with. Therapy is fantastic, and I have spent a ton of money on it myself - but given your financial realities, I personally wouldn't start with that.

I linked to Target's $4 generic page - but if you google "$4 generic" plus CVS, Walgreen's, etc., you will find what is available at your pharmacy. I would print that out and bring it to the doctor.

I would say something like " I've got a lot of anxiety due to serious financial pressure and a relationship ending. I'm overwhelmed feel like I need some help. I don't like the idea of being on medication but I think it might be something I need to get me back on track. What do you think?"

If you don't have a doctor making that initial call will be hard. It may help to write out what you are going to say to make the appointment - something like "I have some depression and anxiety issues that I want to talk to the doctor about" is enough to say when making the appointment.
posted by selfmedicating at 12:15 PM on May 19, 2010

First: you have REAL, GENUINE reasons to be anxious, and this will only truly go away if you allow it to light a fire under you ass and get things fixed. That means a drastic reduction in living expenses (leave your lover, get it over with, and move into a tiny studio apartment in the short term), and establishing/following through on a payment plan to get your cards paid off and get out of debt.

Once you've got yourself started down that path, you're set up to succeed. First, because you will be able to give yourself raises (by virtue of paying off individual credit cards and eliminating debt milestones) even if your job doesn't, and each time you can choose to give yourself that raise, or feed that raise into the rest of your debt to kill it faster. Second, because you won't have a lover to distract you or a lot of discretionary income, so you will have to find ways to amuse yourself. Don't make it your TV (you can't afford cable anyway, right?) except for occasional movie rentals with friends -- make it exercise, cooking healthy meals for yourself, and getting out socially with friends.

This process will leave you much, much better off than you were before, and (like most valuable things that are harder than comfortable things) you won't get out and DO IT until you're in a position where not doing it means being homeless or otherwise very very uncomfortable. So don't medicate the anxiety away, unless it's paralyzing you from taking action on your real problems, or until you've started taking action and there's no more action for you to take.

Good luck! This may well be a very good opportunity for you, if you're anxious enough to make major, drastic, positive changes but not so anxious that you can't move.
posted by davejay at 1:47 PM on May 19, 2010

Oh, one more thing: do everything you can to avoid spending the $18,000 until you know how much it's going to cost you to live with these changes. That is, maybe you'll be able to get a tiny apartment and cover your living expenses on 50% of your salary; then you can put 25% towards debt, and 25% for meds/therapy. However, if your living expenses + debt payments alone can't be covered by your salary, then you have a situation urgent enough that you should pull from the $18,000 to help cover living expenses while you get a better job, or a second job, or both. This is not sustainable, of course, so you're going to have to be disciplined, or you'll find yourself with no savings and the same unsustainable living expenses.
posted by davejay at 1:51 PM on May 19, 2010