How to cope with divroce proces when I'm a mess before the divorce even began?
May 14, 2010 7:32 AM Subscribe
Seeing a lawyer today for divorce information. How do I cope if there is no option but divorce?
Right now I feel a flood of emotions--sad, scared, lonely, guilt, worried, and sick. Our marriage has eroded fast since bringing home our son in 08 (he's 16 mo now). We both love him dearly but I don't forsee an amicable/reasonable divorce.
I have begged and tried to get him into therapy. He went a total of 3-6 times where it was nothing but him verbally beating up on me since according to him, "it's all my fault". He feels that my constant worry, anxiety, some depression, and lack of empathy and "support" for him is the cause of ALL of our problems.
I see it as I worry because I never feel secure in this relationship--as in financially. I never feel like it's a partnership but rather a parent/child where I'm the parent. I feel that he is unable to be accountable for his temper, actions, feelings. I mean a three day argument where we're arguing via email for 7 hours? Seriously?? Granted, I see areas where I was less than empathetic, kind, or understanding. I just shut down when he emotionally needs me because it feels that he has this overgrandeous expectation that no one can meet. His "you don't support/love me" statement is all the time wehre I don't even know what he wants. He does this to his mother too. His mom, sister, and at one time grandma just couldn't deal with his dramatics "you don't love me" because nothing is good enough for him. So they've stopped talking to him.
But I feel horrible. I didn't have a child to get divorced. I'm very afraid of all the ramifications financially, where we will live, how can we make sure our son doesn't become a pawn in the middle (he has a tendancy to do that). My son saw me crying yesterday and just gripped me tight because he was scared. This just hit me hard. If I'm breaking down now, how am I going to raise our son as primary custody (want to go joint on decisions but primary residency with me) if I'm breaking down now?
I know therapy is an option but I have to actually pay someone to get support? My parents' time is almost up--my mom has terminal cancer and doc said this is going to be the last year. My dad's heart is failing. I have no siblings. Friends have their own happy marriages/family so they're caught up in their own world. I have no one except for my son and I don't want to be "that mom" who surrounds her entire being intertwined with her son. I also fear down the road that this will turn into "you suck, I'm living with dad".
Husband has now resorted to not talking with me, leaving the house to be away from me, living life via Facebook and friends, and not once working on the issue by saying "get in counseling" unless it's directed only at me. He called my best friend yesterday who gave the advice of "you both have zero foundation because it's destroyed. Either get into therapy or it's over". He says "I did therapy (a total of 3-6 times) and it didn't work." So with him leaving for the weekend as well as last night left to see a friend and came home when I went to bed, shows that he has no more interest. He has the inability to reflect and see any fault/part.
I am so swirled with mixed emotions, how the hell do I get through this? I'm seeing a lawyer today to get educated on rights, process and I'm tearing up at work ready to collapse. The amount of stress I'm in is overwhelming. But I have to keep it together since husband wants to use "she's been in therapy/on meds in the past. She's an unfit mother" bullshit so I'm afraid to even seek help or get on meds to get by.
Sorry for the rambling. In short, I'm heartbroken and scared.
Right now I feel a flood of emotions--sad, scared, lonely, guilt, worried, and sick. Our marriage has eroded fast since bringing home our son in 08 (he's 16 mo now). We both love him dearly but I don't forsee an amicable/reasonable divorce.
I have begged and tried to get him into therapy. He went a total of 3-6 times where it was nothing but him verbally beating up on me since according to him, "it's all my fault". He feels that my constant worry, anxiety, some depression, and lack of empathy and "support" for him is the cause of ALL of our problems.
I see it as I worry because I never feel secure in this relationship--as in financially. I never feel like it's a partnership but rather a parent/child where I'm the parent. I feel that he is unable to be accountable for his temper, actions, feelings. I mean a three day argument where we're arguing via email for 7 hours? Seriously?? Granted, I see areas where I was less than empathetic, kind, or understanding. I just shut down when he emotionally needs me because it feels that he has this overgrandeous expectation that no one can meet. His "you don't support/love me" statement is all the time wehre I don't even know what he wants. He does this to his mother too. His mom, sister, and at one time grandma just couldn't deal with his dramatics "you don't love me" because nothing is good enough for him. So they've stopped talking to him.
But I feel horrible. I didn't have a child to get divorced. I'm very afraid of all the ramifications financially, where we will live, how can we make sure our son doesn't become a pawn in the middle (he has a tendancy to do that). My son saw me crying yesterday and just gripped me tight because he was scared. This just hit me hard. If I'm breaking down now, how am I going to raise our son as primary custody (want to go joint on decisions but primary residency with me) if I'm breaking down now?
I know therapy is an option but I have to actually pay someone to get support? My parents' time is almost up--my mom has terminal cancer and doc said this is going to be the last year. My dad's heart is failing. I have no siblings. Friends have their own happy marriages/family so they're caught up in their own world. I have no one except for my son and I don't want to be "that mom" who surrounds her entire being intertwined with her son. I also fear down the road that this will turn into "you suck, I'm living with dad".
Husband has now resorted to not talking with me, leaving the house to be away from me, living life via Facebook and friends, and not once working on the issue by saying "get in counseling" unless it's directed only at me. He called my best friend yesterday who gave the advice of "you both have zero foundation because it's destroyed. Either get into therapy or it's over". He says "I did therapy (a total of 3-6 times) and it didn't work." So with him leaving for the weekend as well as last night left to see a friend and came home when I went to bed, shows that he has no more interest. He has the inability to reflect and see any fault/part.
I am so swirled with mixed emotions, how the hell do I get through this? I'm seeing a lawyer today to get educated on rights, process and I'm tearing up at work ready to collapse. The amount of stress I'm in is overwhelming. But I have to keep it together since husband wants to use "she's been in therapy/on meds in the past. She's an unfit mother" bullshit so I'm afraid to even seek help or get on meds to get by.
Sorry for the rambling. In short, I'm heartbroken and scared.
Went through something similar in the fall, also the "parent" in the relationship. No kid involved, but MeFi me if you want to talk about it; happy to do so.
posted by kryptonik at 7:45 AM on May 14, 2010
posted by kryptonik at 7:45 AM on May 14, 2010
Do not let your fear of his response keep you from getting the help you need. Being in therapy or on medication is, to me, evidence of trying to improve your situation.
Do you have anyone you can talk to where you are? Your post sounds very distressed, and you shouldn't keep this all to yourself.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:32 AM on May 14, 2010
Do you have anyone you can talk to where you are? Your post sounds very distressed, and you shouldn't keep this all to yourself.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:32 AM on May 14, 2010
Judging from your previous posts and this one, your life seems to be very stressful and under a lot of turmoil. You mention problems at work, you have family health issues, and you also mentioned possible hormonal issues for yourself. I would say start with therepy and getting yourself under control! I'm sure all of this is greatly aggrevating a strained relationship with your husband, and I'm not trying to imply this is your fault at all, I just know from experience that when everything feels out of control, it then feels like a drastic decision is in order.
Take some time—maybe even a little time apart—but there's a lot going on for you right now that therepy and medication could vastly improve.
posted by Eicats at 8:52 AM on May 14, 2010
Take some time—maybe even a little time apart—but there's a lot going on for you right now that therepy and medication could vastly improve.
posted by Eicats at 8:52 AM on May 14, 2010
p.s. I ended up having to divorce when my son was a baby and I know how completely heartbreaking that is. Sometimes that's the only choice and it can be worse for kids to grow up in a hostile home than to be kids of divorced parents. Good luck; I really feel for you in this situation.
posted by Eicats at 8:54 AM on May 14, 2010
posted by Eicats at 8:54 AM on May 14, 2010
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, and I understand why you're worried about your ability to cope. I wonder if you're understimating your friends' capacity to help. I know that I find it can be awfully hard to reach out, even hard to identify what help is needed when I'm overwhelmed and hurting, and it can seem easier just not to try. But people are often more generous than we give them credit for if they're aware that someone is in need. If you have experience that they're self-absorbed and uninterested in helping, I'm very sorry. If you're thinking that your problems would be an unwanted imposition, at least give them a chance to prove you wrong. I would hope some of them would be willing to at least babysit or bring over a dinner or to free up some of your time and energy.
Take care of yourself as best you can. I'm wishing you well.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:12 AM on May 14, 2010
Take care of yourself as best you can. I'm wishing you well.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:12 AM on May 14, 2010
I know therapy is an option but I have to actually pay someone to get support?
Sometimes, yes. There's no shame in it, or there shouldn't be. Sometimes (often, in my experience), a professional who has training and whom you pay is much better equipped to give you the kind of help and perspective you need. Friends and family are not always the best choices, even if they are abundant and available. It's a sign of strength and courage to know when you need help, and to ask for it.
I'm sorry this is so hard. Take care of yourself; I'm sending you good thoughts.
posted by rtha at 9:25 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sometimes, yes. There's no shame in it, or there shouldn't be. Sometimes (often, in my experience), a professional who has training and whom you pay is much better equipped to give you the kind of help and perspective you need. Friends and family are not always the best choices, even if they are abundant and available. It's a sign of strength and courage to know when you need help, and to ask for it.
I'm sorry this is so hard. Take care of yourself; I'm sending you good thoughts.
posted by rtha at 9:25 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Please do not let your husband's threat of using your therapy or medication deter you from getting the help you need. Ask the lawyer you're meeting with about it so you can set your mind at ease. Another less adversarial process you might consider is a divorce mediator rather than a divorce lawyer.
The best way to feel like you can take care of your son if you're breaking down now is to take care of yourself so you can do what needs to be done. Like how in an airplane, you're supposed put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child. Seeing my parents out of control emotionally was one of the most difficult things in watching them get divorced. Of course it's an awful process and you can't eliminate it, but you shouldn't rule out what could be a main tool in your toolbox, whether or not you end up in divorce proceedings.
The therapist can help you prioritize the swirl and can give you a safe place to talk about everything that's going on. Even if you had more available friend support, I would recommend it to get some coping strategies.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by *s at 9:36 AM on May 14, 2010
The best way to feel like you can take care of your son if you're breaking down now is to take care of yourself so you can do what needs to be done. Like how in an airplane, you're supposed put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child. Seeing my parents out of control emotionally was one of the most difficult things in watching them get divorced. Of course it's an awful process and you can't eliminate it, but you shouldn't rule out what could be a main tool in your toolbox, whether or not you end up in divorce proceedings.
The therapist can help you prioritize the swirl and can give you a safe place to talk about everything that's going on. Even if you had more available friend support, I would recommend it to get some coping strategies.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by *s at 9:36 AM on May 14, 2010
Response by poster: Any suggestions on what type of therapist. My former one, who helped me with family abuse issues was Imagio and amazing for that. When I went recently for these issues, I felt I went nowhere with it.
Recently CBT and the woman was all "need to love yourself first" superficial Melody Beattie Codependent No More quotes. It was annoying.
I saw that group had a dula/therapist who discusses child/pregnancy and affects on marriage.
Saw they had a marriage therapist but she seemed reluctant for me to see her alone.
Others where very general with exeprience--relationships, etc. where it's just luck of the draw. I'm just tired of trial and error, wasting time, not really going anywhere.
posted by stormpooper at 9:41 AM on May 14, 2010
Recently CBT and the woman was all "need to love yourself first" superficial Melody Beattie Codependent No More quotes. It was annoying.
I saw that group had a dula/therapist who discusses child/pregnancy and affects on marriage.
Saw they had a marriage therapist but she seemed reluctant for me to see her alone.
Others where very general with exeprience--relationships, etc. where it's just luck of the draw. I'm just tired of trial and error, wasting time, not really going anywhere.
posted by stormpooper at 9:41 AM on May 14, 2010
I'm struck by the fact that there are a number of layers on this that you are combining into one big crushing weight. Being a new mom, watching a relationship end, trying to understand the financial implications, trying to understand the legal implications - particularly in terms of guardianship, the anxiety around the death of a parent. Even if you weren't a bit of a worry bunny, any one of these alone could throw someone off - together, they could feel like a tsunami.
All that to say that reason why it feels overwhelming, is that it is overwhelming, and would be for anyone. Anybody who *wasn't* seeking some type of support (which could include therapy, friends, meds., etc.) right now, probably doesn't fully grasp the true nature of the change that is upon them. You get that - and I hope you're giving yourself credit for not going straight into denial mode in the face of that, which is so, so common. You're terrified and you're going to face it, so the only question is how.
Perhaps it would help to be able to write down and identify all of these layers, so you can come up with strategies to deal with each separate issue. For example, no one goes into a marriage to get divorced, so the fact that it's happening despite your best efforts can be hard. Therapy can *so* help for that. The lawyer can talk to you about the legal ramifications. There are a number of library books on 'starting over' after divorce written by folk who know *exactly* what you are going through, both what you're facing now, and what you might not realize you're going to face in the future - and they have advice! A different section of the library (or amazon, borders, etc.) on preparing (as much as one can) on the passing of a parent. There are often whole sections in bookstores on these topics - which can be overwhelming in itself - so you could just pick one or two - it doesn't really matter which one - and start reading from there. My point is that when I have found myself overwhelmed, it's been a life saver to be able to be able to channel that anxiety into something productive: pulling out a notebook and getting organized to see and face the scope and different facets of the problem. The anxiety that's left over after I'm organized, well, that's just the emotional aspect of what I'm facing and while I know I have to deal with it, it's usually less than initially, and often I can just say, "I recognize I am afraid because there is a lot to be afraid of, but I have a plan to get through this, so I need to keep going..."
Also, by separating these issues, you can also prioritize them, get help from friends. For example, a friend can't handle everything - but they could watch your kid while you go to the lawyer. They can share their own experience of a parent's imminent passing. I'm insanely busy, but it would break my heart to know that a friend called me up and blurted out that they think they are getting a divorce, that'd be 45 minutes and tea right there. I don't know how I could help, but I could listen.
Please don't let your fear (of how you would be perceived by friends or the courts) stop you from getting the help you need to be able to cope with this. You're in for a rough time of it - and not having that support may mean that you do succumb to the weight on your shoulders, which actually would mean that you aren't in a place to care for your son. If you're worried about the 'medication' angle, please at least just find a therapist experienced with divorce - you can always just say that you have always been committed to your family's wellbeing, and once you realized your husband was not committed to couple's therapy, you realized that the significance of the transition for you and your son, which made it imperative that find the support you - or anyone - would need to help everyone get through this difficult process. (or whatever the therapist/lawyer tells you a person with your concerns would say).
So, in sum: Please continue reach out for help (that's what you're doing here, right?) - while all of these things happening to you are part of the natural spectrum of transitions in a life - the fact that they are all happening in a compacted time frame can be devastating. I can see that you might not want to continue to reach out to support even as you feel it's all falling apart, because it feels awkward, embarrassing, messy and dangerous. And overall, that you're not sure how you will get through this. But reach out where you can. And whatever happens, know that other people out there in the world, who were no smarter or richer and just as anxious as you who have faced these issues, and they came out of it okay - perhaps not happier or wiser - but okay. And that's all you need to shoot for right now, for you and your son.
Best of luck.
posted by anitanita at 10:02 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
All that to say that reason why it feels overwhelming, is that it is overwhelming, and would be for anyone. Anybody who *wasn't* seeking some type of support (which could include therapy, friends, meds., etc.) right now, probably doesn't fully grasp the true nature of the change that is upon them. You get that - and I hope you're giving yourself credit for not going straight into denial mode in the face of that, which is so, so common. You're terrified and you're going to face it, so the only question is how.
Perhaps it would help to be able to write down and identify all of these layers, so you can come up with strategies to deal with each separate issue. For example, no one goes into a marriage to get divorced, so the fact that it's happening despite your best efforts can be hard. Therapy can *so* help for that. The lawyer can talk to you about the legal ramifications. There are a number of library books on 'starting over' after divorce written by folk who know *exactly* what you are going through, both what you're facing now, and what you might not realize you're going to face in the future - and they have advice! A different section of the library (or amazon, borders, etc.) on preparing (as much as one can) on the passing of a parent. There are often whole sections in bookstores on these topics - which can be overwhelming in itself - so you could just pick one or two - it doesn't really matter which one - and start reading from there. My point is that when I have found myself overwhelmed, it's been a life saver to be able to be able to channel that anxiety into something productive: pulling out a notebook and getting organized to see and face the scope and different facets of the problem. The anxiety that's left over after I'm organized, well, that's just the emotional aspect of what I'm facing and while I know I have to deal with it, it's usually less than initially, and often I can just say, "I recognize I am afraid because there is a lot to be afraid of, but I have a plan to get through this, so I need to keep going..."
Also, by separating these issues, you can also prioritize them, get help from friends. For example, a friend can't handle everything - but they could watch your kid while you go to the lawyer. They can share their own experience of a parent's imminent passing. I'm insanely busy, but it would break my heart to know that a friend called me up and blurted out that they think they are getting a divorce, that'd be 45 minutes and tea right there. I don't know how I could help, but I could listen.
Please don't let your fear (of how you would be perceived by friends or the courts) stop you from getting the help you need to be able to cope with this. You're in for a rough time of it - and not having that support may mean that you do succumb to the weight on your shoulders, which actually would mean that you aren't in a place to care for your son. If you're worried about the 'medication' angle, please at least just find a therapist experienced with divorce - you can always just say that you have always been committed to your family's wellbeing, and once you realized your husband was not committed to couple's therapy, you realized that the significance of the transition for you and your son, which made it imperative that find the support you - or anyone - would need to help everyone get through this difficult process. (or whatever the therapist/lawyer tells you a person with your concerns would say).
So, in sum: Please continue reach out for help (that's what you're doing here, right?) - while all of these things happening to you are part of the natural spectrum of transitions in a life - the fact that they are all happening in a compacted time frame can be devastating. I can see that you might not want to continue to reach out to support even as you feel it's all falling apart, because it feels awkward, embarrassing, messy and dangerous. And overall, that you're not sure how you will get through this. But reach out where you can. And whatever happens, know that other people out there in the world, who were no smarter or richer and just as anxious as you who have faced these issues, and they came out of it okay - perhaps not happier or wiser - but okay. And that's all you need to shoot for right now, for you and your son.
Best of luck.
posted by anitanita at 10:02 AM on May 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Stormpooper, where are you located? People might be able to provide some location-specific support resources for you. I know of some in the Boston area, for example.
posted by alms at 10:07 AM on May 14, 2010
posted by alms at 10:07 AM on May 14, 2010
Oh, and as I think therapists break down both in terms of approach and population/issue (women/kids/abuse/addiction, etc.), rather than focus on the approach ('CBT, etc.), perhaps you could just focus on someone who works with your population (women/divorce/single parents, etc)? They'll know all of your issues you face (caring for parents, financial concerns, etc.). Make it to the subset of therapists who know the topic and then see who you click with approach-wise?
posted by anitanita at 10:07 AM on May 14, 2010
posted by anitanita at 10:07 AM on May 14, 2010
I'm not sure if I have any really great advice but call your friends. Rotate through them so you're not dumping an overwhelming amount on just one. Ask your friends if you can vent once every other week and pick a different friend each week. That's not that much to ask most people and you seem like you really need a friend right now.
I'd check with the lawyer about making sure any inheritance from your parents is strictly in your name. If you're the practical one who will be the main support for your son, having a cushion to fall back on will make your life less stressful.
posted by stray thoughts at 10:09 AM on May 14, 2010
I'd check with the lawyer about making sure any inheritance from your parents is strictly in your name. If you're the practical one who will be the main support for your son, having a cushion to fall back on will make your life less stressful.
posted by stray thoughts at 10:09 AM on May 14, 2010
You ask "How do I cope if there is no option but divorce?", and I have a few thoughts on that. I am so sorry you're going through all this, and others have offered great advice on getting help. I can't claim any first-hand experience other than the general human experience of bad relationships ending and having my parents split up when I was ~10.
1) As a kid, it was a relief when my parents split up. They handled it admirably, but there was still this unspoken tension in the household, which kids DO notice, and I think, are better off without. Don't model "staying in unhappy relationship for the sake of the kid".
2) You're focusing entirely on the negatives. Understandable, especially since you don't have control over a lot of the things happening to you. Take a moment to imagine your life when you're not married to this guy about whom you have nothing good to say. Imagine the resulting freedom. I would guess that simply having your own space again will feel luxurious. As will having your financial relationship legally spelled out, and having one less kid in the house.
*Hugs*, and best of luck.
posted by Metasyntactic at 10:30 AM on May 14, 2010
1) As a kid, it was a relief when my parents split up. They handled it admirably, but there was still this unspoken tension in the household, which kids DO notice, and I think, are better off without. Don't model "staying in unhappy relationship for the sake of the kid".
2) You're focusing entirely on the negatives. Understandable, especially since you don't have control over a lot of the things happening to you. Take a moment to imagine your life when you're not married to this guy about whom you have nothing good to say. Imagine the resulting freedom. I would guess that simply having your own space again will feel luxurious. As will having your financial relationship legally spelled out, and having one less kid in the house.
*Hugs*, and best of luck.
posted by Metasyntactic at 10:30 AM on May 14, 2010
stormpooper, I am so sorry you are going through all of this at once. I can see why you are so incredibly stressed.
First, I know it must feel bad to show emotion in front of your son, and I can understand why you worry that he is scared. But just letting him know that you love him, that you will always love him and that a parent's love for a child never ends (which is a very important distinction to make, I think, to reassure a child when the parents are splitting up) will go a long way. And it's *okay* to be human! Sometimes kids learn valuable lessons from situations like this. Seeing that an adult can go through life making mistakes or facing breakups and come back from them is a powerful message.
I really second the advice to ask the lawyer about counseling, preferably for both of you. Your husband is obviously very resistant, but if it were recommended by the court, if that's possible, that would be a good thing. You could both talk about all the stress you are under and perhaps reconnect. I admit, like you, I think this is unlikely, but it is worth a try.
I also wondered if you have considered a legal separation rather than a divorce, or used an advocate or an intermediary or just went straight to a lawyer? As I understand it, there are some benefits to legal separation, like continuing medical benefits, etc. And I think an intermediary is a good idea--some neutral, third party that will help advocate for you. You are (understandably!) very upset right now and might not be able to clearly think in the long-term.
posted by misha at 10:45 AM on May 14, 2010
First, I know it must feel bad to show emotion in front of your son, and I can understand why you worry that he is scared. But just letting him know that you love him, that you will always love him and that a parent's love for a child never ends (which is a very important distinction to make, I think, to reassure a child when the parents are splitting up) will go a long way. And it's *okay* to be human! Sometimes kids learn valuable lessons from situations like this. Seeing that an adult can go through life making mistakes or facing breakups and come back from them is a powerful message.
I really second the advice to ask the lawyer about counseling, preferably for both of you. Your husband is obviously very resistant, but if it were recommended by the court, if that's possible, that would be a good thing. You could both talk about all the stress you are under and perhaps reconnect. I admit, like you, I think this is unlikely, but it is worth a try.
I also wondered if you have considered a legal separation rather than a divorce, or used an advocate or an intermediary or just went straight to a lawyer? As I understand it, there are some benefits to legal separation, like continuing medical benefits, etc. And I think an intermediary is a good idea--some neutral, third party that will help advocate for you. You are (understandably!) very upset right now and might not be able to clearly think in the long-term.
posted by misha at 10:45 AM on May 14, 2010
Another thought... your husband is emotionally abusive. You can receive free counseling from the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799- SAFE(7233). They can also put you in touch with a local person who will be great support for you.
It is extremely difficult when you cannot reason with someone.
Please accept my sympathy on your many trials right now. You have my prayers.
posted by srbrunson at 10:56 AM on May 14, 2010
It is extremely difficult when you cannot reason with someone.
Please accept my sympathy on your many trials right now. You have my prayers.
posted by srbrunson at 10:56 AM on May 14, 2010
The first time I ever saw my mother cry was during my parents' (very hostile) divorce proceedings, when I was six. I remember it clearly decades later. It was a scary time for both of us, as well as the rest of the family. We didn't know what would be happening next. But it turned out that things were ok. My mom got away from someone who was making her feel bad about herself, and moved about thirty miles to a place where she could make a lot more money. She made more friends, and dated, and my father turned out to be a happier and more relaxed person when he was with partners who suited him better, too. My brother and I turned out fine, and in later years we never even wanted our parents to be in a room together, let alone a marriage. Anecdata from other divorce-related posts here on AskMe suggest that divorce is easier on children the younger they are, so for your son this is maybe the best time for this to happen.
The point is that even though divorce is difficult and frightening for all involved, after it's done things get better. You and your family will be happier. It must be impossible right now to see past all the grief and upheaval still ahead of you, but do your best to imagine walking into your new home, that belongs to no one but you and your son, and having all of your (ex-)husband's disapproval and hostility and irresponsibility be absolutely not your problem anymore. For the first time in years, you'll see just who you are without all that weighing you down, and I think both you and your son will like and enjoy that person a lot. I'm sorry you're going through so much at once, and like everyone else hope you seek out the support you need, from both friends and professionals -- anyone would need it at a time like this, and it doesn't mean that you're weak or in any way unfit.
posted by unsub at 11:27 AM on May 14, 2010
The point is that even though divorce is difficult and frightening for all involved, after it's done things get better. You and your family will be happier. It must be impossible right now to see past all the grief and upheaval still ahead of you, but do your best to imagine walking into your new home, that belongs to no one but you and your son, and having all of your (ex-)husband's disapproval and hostility and irresponsibility be absolutely not your problem anymore. For the first time in years, you'll see just who you are without all that weighing you down, and I think both you and your son will like and enjoy that person a lot. I'm sorry you're going through so much at once, and like everyone else hope you seek out the support you need, from both friends and professionals -- anyone would need it at a time like this, and it doesn't mean that you're weak or in any way unfit.
posted by unsub at 11:27 AM on May 14, 2010
Anitanita is right, you are bearing up under an incredible weight of being a newish Mom with an angry, mean, unhelpful partner. If he's gone all the time, you're doing all the parenting. Take notes, perhaps on a private blog where he can't find them, of who does the care, how, and some of his most abusive behaviors. It also helps when he's blaming you; you can review the facts, and remember that it really isn't you causing the trouble.
Disengage. You can't change his behavior, and no change in your behavior will help him. So stop engaging in the fighting. Listen to him if you must, then go to another room, make a phone call, take care of the child, whatever will break the cycle. It is only exhausting you.
I know it's scary. My ex- left when our child was 5. I was a wreck after years of criticism, fighting and what's probably very similar meanness, belittling and blaming. He will be legally obligated to provide support. And you will realize that his behavior has kept you sad and scared, and that you will have the chance to bloom again once the person blocking the sunshine is no longer there.
Therapy and medication are a sign that you are dealing with problems, and unlikely a judge will care. There are way too many incompetent therapists, but get recommendations from your doctor, and do phone interviews.
I have a lot of compassion for what you're going through. Life will get better and you and your child will be okay.
posted by theora55 at 11:34 AM on May 14, 2010
Disengage. You can't change his behavior, and no change in your behavior will help him. So stop engaging in the fighting. Listen to him if you must, then go to another room, make a phone call, take care of the child, whatever will break the cycle. It is only exhausting you.
I know it's scary. My ex- left when our child was 5. I was a wreck after years of criticism, fighting and what's probably very similar meanness, belittling and blaming. He will be legally obligated to provide support. And you will realize that his behavior has kept you sad and scared, and that you will have the chance to bloom again once the person blocking the sunshine is no longer there.
Therapy and medication are a sign that you are dealing with problems, and unlikely a judge will care. There are way too many incompetent therapists, but get recommendations from your doctor, and do phone interviews.
I have a lot of compassion for what you're going through. Life will get better and you and your child will be okay.
posted by theora55 at 11:34 AM on May 14, 2010
Of course you're a mess right now; this is one of the worst parts, the getting ready to leave. But you must go, and you must do it quickly. A year from now, your life will have stabilized, your kid will have settled down, and you will be hugely relieved to be away from the constant corrosion of this terrible marriage.
posted by jokeefe at 1:20 PM on May 14, 2010
posted by jokeefe at 1:20 PM on May 14, 2010
I think you offer one last time to go to counseling with him again, and then start divorce proceedings. You should stop sharing info with him, stop arguing, etc so he doesn't have any new and painful info to share in child custody hearings. You can also say that you wanted to try counseling, but he refused, which is a good point on your side. You should keep any new boyfriends completely secret, and not introduce them to your child.
For your child's sake you should stop saying anything about him within earshot, and make it easy for them to spend some time together. Maybe your lawyer can arrange a pre-divorce mediation with him and his lawyer to start the process smoothly.
It will be very hard, but if you can keep emotions out of the divorce process then you have a much better chance at a good outcome. Be careful of friends that might share your personal venting with him, and breaking down when your parents are very sick. Make a plan for how to handle traumatic events in advance.
Best of luck - remember that this unpleasant time will pass and there is happiness on the other side.
posted by meepmeow at 1:21 PM on May 14, 2010
For your child's sake you should stop saying anything about him within earshot, and make it easy for them to spend some time together. Maybe your lawyer can arrange a pre-divorce mediation with him and his lawyer to start the process smoothly.
It will be very hard, but if you can keep emotions out of the divorce process then you have a much better chance at a good outcome. Be careful of friends that might share your personal venting with him, and breaking down when your parents are very sick. Make a plan for how to handle traumatic events in advance.
Best of luck - remember that this unpleasant time will pass and there is happiness on the other side.
posted by meepmeow at 1:21 PM on May 14, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you. Just got back. The short of it, if I don't play really, really dirty, I'm going to lose custody, pay alimony and child support. I'm scared. But I have some tools on what to do.
posted by stormpooper at 6:04 PM on May 14, 2010
posted by stormpooper at 6:04 PM on May 14, 2010
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Normally I am not a fan of divorce but at the very least you need a break from this nonsense. And knowing your rights-and making the separation a legal one-will give you time to think and plan. And it just might be a big fat wakeup call to mister "I don't need therapy."
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:40 AM on May 14, 2010 [1 favorite]