Because on top of everything, I need a heaping helping of rejection.
May 6, 2010 5:11 AM Subscribe
How do I tell the guy I'm dating that I had a mastectomy in March and a hysterectomy in October?
I'm young for this, but I have the BRCA1 mutation. I met this just a few weeks ago. He works a lot, so we've only been on a couple of dates, only kissed once.
I had a skin-sparing mastectomy, and currently have spacers placed in my chest wall to make a pocket to hold permanent implants. I will be having my final surgery in June. The spacers are quite hard, and my nipples are gone. I am using an estrogen patch to fight the symptoms of menopause, but I'm also worried that since my uterus was removed that sex might be painful or just terribly different.
I'm young for this, but I have the BRCA1 mutation. I met this just a few weeks ago. He works a lot, so we've only been on a couple of dates, only kissed once.
I had a skin-sparing mastectomy, and currently have spacers placed in my chest wall to make a pocket to hold permanent implants. I will be having my final surgery in June. The spacers are quite hard, and my nipples are gone. I am using an estrogen patch to fight the symptoms of menopause, but I'm also worried that since my uterus was removed that sex might be painful or just terribly different.
Because on top of everything, I need a heaping helping of rejection.
I think the only choice is to just come out with it. But seriously, if he can't handle dating a strong, courageous woman, then it is no loss -- no loss at all.
posted by Houstonian at 6:05 AM on May 6, 2010 [23 favorites]
I think the only choice is to just come out with it. But seriously, if he can't handle dating a strong, courageous woman, then it is no loss -- no loss at all.
posted by Houstonian at 6:05 AM on May 6, 2010 [23 favorites]
Good for you for making a tough decision about your health.
This seems like a really difficult situation, but I agree with Houstonian -- you have nothing to be ashamed of, and while there's no easy way to do it, you should just tell him straight out.
Don't be surprised if the guy you're dating has a lot of questions: the BRCA mutation isn't widely known for those who aren't directly affected.
posted by cider at 6:22 AM on May 6, 2010
This seems like a really difficult situation, but I agree with Houstonian -- you have nothing to be ashamed of, and while there's no easy way to do it, you should just tell him straight out.
Don't be surprised if the guy you're dating has a lot of questions: the BRCA mutation isn't widely known for those who aren't directly affected.
posted by cider at 6:22 AM on May 6, 2010
I have had a hysterectomy unrelated to pain-causing issues like PCOS or fibroids. I always encourage women to check out Hyster Sisters. For whatever it is worth, I did find my libido and sexual sensation changed since my hysterectomy, and while some of those changes were a loss in certain sensations, over time new ones and new experiences developed that have overall been positive. I'm not shy to talk about it, so if you are interested in talking please feel free to memail me.
I have found that even many WOMEN have no idea what I mean when I say I had a hysterectomy. They don't know that is the removal of the uterus, sometimes with or without the ovaries and cervix. Even women who have had children, sometimes just don't know. I have told people I had a hysterectomy and gotten a blank stare and a "Wha?". So, my advice is when you are ready to talk, keep in mind the level of detail you want to share and be sure to explain what things mean anatomically.
posted by bunnycup at 6:25 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have found that even many WOMEN have no idea what I mean when I say I had a hysterectomy. They don't know that is the removal of the uterus, sometimes with or without the ovaries and cervix. Even women who have had children, sometimes just don't know. I have told people I had a hysterectomy and gotten a blank stare and a "Wha?". So, my advice is when you are ready to talk, keep in mind the level of detail you want to share and be sure to explain what things mean anatomically.
posted by bunnycup at 6:25 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you are worried about what penetration might feel like then maybe you should explore those sensations using a sex toy. While i don't have girly bits, i've had my own anxiety issues and if i were in your shoes i'd prefer to test it out by myself with complete control before trying with a partner.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 6:32 AM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by CautionToTheWind at 6:32 AM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
You raise two issues: how to tell him and your worries about painful sex.
How to tell him: gently, and so it's not a surprise, and perhaps more a little casually than you might think. A moderate amount of alcohol might help. The whole "all blokes being boob men" thing is a bit overblown. Really. I would not necessarily convey to him what a traumatic experience it has been. Yet.
I'm not an expert on post hysterectomy sex, but I can tell you that if you want him to find you sexy, you need to find yourself sexy. It's glib to say, hard to achieve given your circumstances but nonetheless true.
In unguarded moments, we blokes tend to admit that it's not the supposed best looking person who we found sexiest but the person who was the most confident, sensual etc.
posted by MuffinMan at 6:40 AM on May 6, 2010
How to tell him: gently, and so it's not a surprise, and perhaps more a little casually than you might think. A moderate amount of alcohol might help. The whole "all blokes being boob men" thing is a bit overblown. Really. I would not necessarily convey to him what a traumatic experience it has been. Yet.
I'm not an expert on post hysterectomy sex, but I can tell you that if you want him to find you sexy, you need to find yourself sexy. It's glib to say, hard to achieve given your circumstances but nonetheless true.
In unguarded moments, we blokes tend to admit that it's not the supposed best looking person who we found sexiest but the person who was the most confident, sensual etc.
posted by MuffinMan at 6:40 AM on May 6, 2010
Sit him down somewhere quiet, perhaps with a glass of wine, perhaps not, and tell him calmly and rationally that you've had some surgery done. Then expand on what you've had done [physical changes, the why] and then ask if he has any questions.
I don't know when the best time to do this would be. If you've only kissed once, it might not be just yet, but for sure before you jump into bed together. I'd suggest too that it needs to be done in person.
And if he takes it badly, remember: you only get one body. There are lots more men.
Finally, good on you for dealing with this in such a way. You sound like a really strong person. He'll be lucky to have you.
posted by Solomon at 7:59 AM on May 6, 2010
I don't know when the best time to do this would be. If you've only kissed once, it might not be just yet, but for sure before you jump into bed together. I'd suggest too that it needs to be done in person.
And if he takes it badly, remember: you only get one body. There are lots more men.
Finally, good on you for dealing with this in such a way. You sound like a really strong person. He'll be lucky to have you.
posted by Solomon at 7:59 AM on May 6, 2010
When I was first dating the woman who eventually became my wife, she told me she'd had some breast surgery, and that there was scarring. That was all, but it was enough. Maybe mention that you're preparing for reconstructive surgery, so things are, um, not all in their final places. That would have been enough for me.
She told me this over dinner on the night that was pretty much assumed by both of us to be the first sexy-time date. I don't think she was strategizing or anything, but that was good timing--I was, indeed, anticipating touching her boobies that night, but it wasn't last minute or a big surprise or anything. It allowed me to plan ahead, so to speak--had I not known about the possibility of her breasts coming off with her bra, I might have been a bit surprised, you know? On the other hand, I was mostly just looking forward to getting naked at that point, so was in a mood to not sweat the small stuff.
Short version--no, I don't think you need to go into detail now, the whys and hows and future implications, but you do need to mention it. Maybe casually, over dinner, on the night you anticipate it being relevant.
posted by pupsocket at 7:59 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
She told me this over dinner on the night that was pretty much assumed by both of us to be the first sexy-time date. I don't think she was strategizing or anything, but that was good timing--I was, indeed, anticipating touching her boobies that night, but it wasn't last minute or a big surprise or anything. It allowed me to plan ahead, so to speak--had I not known about the possibility of her breasts coming off with her bra, I might have been a bit surprised, you know? On the other hand, I was mostly just looking forward to getting naked at that point, so was in a mood to not sweat the small stuff.
Short version--no, I don't think you need to go into detail now, the whys and hows and future implications, but you do need to mention it. Maybe casually, over dinner, on the night you anticipate it being relevant.
posted by pupsocket at 7:59 AM on May 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I see I said the same thing the last time the subject came up.
posted by pupsocket at 8:09 AM on May 6, 2010
posted by pupsocket at 8:09 AM on May 6, 2010
I've had a hysterectomy, due to friboids. They removed uterus, cervix. I kept ovaries. That was five years ago and I'm forty now. I have had sex with the same person (not a spouse or a boyfriend, more of a booty call and appallingly blunt besides) in my "before" state and in my "after" state. He says that there is no obvious difference in sensation from his perspective but notes that the hysterectomy has obviated the inconvenient "run into the cervix" problem we experienced sometimes while engaging in certain positions and/or angles pre-hysterectomy. The vagina's self-lube system still works very nicely and penetrative intercourse feels the same to me after as it did before, minus the running-into-the-cervix thing. On the whole, I'd score it a win, but not a complete and total win.
From my own perspective, post-hysterectomy orgasm is more of a black-and-white affair than the technicolor explosion that it was when I had a full range of parts. I can still orgasm, and as easily as before, but it feels... less. *sigh* Apparently a fair amount of orgasmic sensation is seated in how the neck of the uterus and the cervix kind of contract or move or whatever. I don't have those parts now, so I don't have that sensation anymore. Can't be helped, I suppose, but I wish my doc had mentioned that stuff ahead of time instead of letting it be a surprise.
posted by which_chick at 9:23 AM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
From my own perspective, post-hysterectomy orgasm is more of a black-and-white affair than the technicolor explosion that it was when I had a full range of parts. I can still orgasm, and as easily as before, but it feels... less. *sigh* Apparently a fair amount of orgasmic sensation is seated in how the neck of the uterus and the cervix kind of contract or move or whatever. I don't have those parts now, so I don't have that sensation anymore. Can't be helped, I suppose, but I wish my doc had mentioned that stuff ahead of time instead of letting it be a surprise.
posted by which_chick at 9:23 AM on May 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sit him down somewhere quiet, perhaps with a glass of wine, perhaps not, and tell him calmly and rationally that you've had some surgery done.
If you pause after that statement I can almost see your date's face as he immediately thinks you're going to tell him that you used to be a man. (Maybe that would be a humorous icebreaker?) In any case, I agree with telling him in a casual, conversational setting. (You never know, he may have been waiting for the proper moment to tell you he wears a full set of dentures.) Every person is different, and some guys might not know how to react to such news. By the same token, some guys will run screaming if you tell them you have a special-needs toddler at home. In both cases, it's not you, it's them. Hopefully your man will simply be curious and have a lot of questions, which is the perfect opportunity to educate.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:20 AM on May 6, 2010
If you pause after that statement I can almost see your date's face as he immediately thinks you're going to tell him that you used to be a man. (Maybe that would be a humorous icebreaker?) In any case, I agree with telling him in a casual, conversational setting. (You never know, he may have been waiting for the proper moment to tell you he wears a full set of dentures.) Every person is different, and some guys might not know how to react to such news. By the same token, some guys will run screaming if you tell them you have a special-needs toddler at home. In both cases, it's not you, it's them. Hopefully your man will simply be curious and have a lot of questions, which is the perfect opportunity to educate.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:20 AM on May 6, 2010
Sometimes people who are very shy and uncomfortable about sharing something important and personal do it in an apologetic way. I have no idea if you are like that or not, but if that happens to be your tendency, I recommend not doing that with this conversation.
For an example of the apologetic way: "I had a mastectomy, and, well, I understand if that means...." with a meaningful, expecting-the-worst-yet-hopeful pause at the end.
For an example of a no-apologies way: "You should know this about me: My life has been interesting; I've fought a few battles and won them, and I picked up a few battle scars along the way. I've had a mastectomy."
posted by Houstonian at 5:02 PM on May 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
For an example of the apologetic way: "I had a mastectomy, and, well, I understand if that means...." with a meaningful, expecting-the-worst-yet-hopeful pause at the end.
For an example of a no-apologies way: "You should know this about me: My life has been interesting; I've fought a few battles and won them, and I picked up a few battle scars along the way. I've had a mastectomy."
posted by Houstonian at 5:02 PM on May 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by kthxbi at 5:16 AM on May 6, 2010