Should she jump or should I push her?
May 1, 2010 2:02 PM Subscribe
Should she jump or should I push her?
Spouse has gone off the deep end and while I need to get out now, she threatens suicide.
If she does that's bad.
If she doesn't and follows the path she's on that is equally bad.
She is an alcoholic on meds who blacks out. The black outs make the behavior gone to her but not to us.
She's in therapy but treats it like a joke.
Imagine all the worst cliched situations of a failing marriage, that's us. I am now at the end but am afraid that this may lead to a successful suicide attempt (yes there has been another).
This is a classic trap I know but living with her and having my youngest exposed to her behavior is no longer an option.
I am no longer willing or able to take care of her. The question is who will?
Imagine all the worst cliched situations of a failing marriage, that's us. I am now at the end but am afraid that this may lead to a successful suicide attempt (yes there has been another).
This is a classic trap I know but living with her and having my youngest exposed to her behavior is no longer an option.
I am no longer willing or able to take care of her. The question is who will?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Removed at poster's request -- mathowie
If she is threatening suicide, get her in a hospital right away!
posted by gumtree at 2:06 PM on May 1, 2010
posted by gumtree at 2:06 PM on May 1, 2010
Does she have family that will care for her? If she's on meds, inform her doctor of the situation. Has this been done already? The doctor will probably have some resources to hand.
Alternatively, you could just let her continue on her self destructive path. She's a grown adult, who chose this for herself. In fact, she continues to choose it by not choosing to get herself better. If she wants to mess her life up, that's her choice, sad though it may be.
posted by Solomon at 2:06 PM on May 1, 2010
Alternatively, you could just let her continue on her self destructive path. She's a grown adult, who chose this for herself. In fact, she continues to choose it by not choosing to get herself better. If she wants to mess her life up, that's her choice, sad though it may be.
posted by Solomon at 2:06 PM on May 1, 2010
If you, her husband, can't take care of her, then no one can. If she's really that much of a mess and that likely to commit suicide, then she should be committed. Regardless, there's only one course of action for you: take your youngest and leave. Do what you can for her at arm's length, before she takes you and your child down with her.
You can help her a lot from a position of your own safety, but ultimately whether or not she survives is up to her, and your destruction from staying too close just delays that decision for her.
posted by fatbird at 2:07 PM on May 1, 2010
You can help her a lot from a position of your own safety, but ultimately whether or not she survives is up to her, and your destruction from staying too close just delays that decision for her.
posted by fatbird at 2:07 PM on May 1, 2010
I'm opposed to forced mental health treatment, but if she's threatening suicide and is in therapy, isn't the therapist required by law to get her medical help and/or refer her to an inpatient facility? If she threatens suicide and you think she's serious you should take her to her family or friends - and if none are available to a hospital, and if she won't go call 911.
posted by jardinier at 2:08 PM on May 1, 2010
posted by jardinier at 2:08 PM on May 1, 2010
Response by poster: She has a doctor - she treats him like a child.
She has no family that is close or who haven't tossed in the towel.
I have some watching her as best he can.
posted by pianomover at 2:10 PM on May 1, 2010
She has no family that is close or who haven't tossed in the towel.
I have some watching her as best he can.
posted by pianomover at 2:10 PM on May 1, 2010
Leave and call 911.
If you've done what you can, it's time to get your child away from it and let those with training and an ability to keep her safe do their job.
posted by iarerach at 2:12 PM on May 1, 2010
If you've done what you can, it's time to get your child away from it and let those with training and an ability to keep her safe do their job.
posted by iarerach at 2:12 PM on May 1, 2010
Call 911 and let them evaluate her. Hopefully they will hospitalize her for a short time. This is time you use to get out.
And look-you can't stop her from suiciding if she is determined to do it, but on the other hand you can't let yourself be blamed if she does, either. If she suicides IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
You need to do what is best for your children, first.
Next time she threatens, call 911. Period.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:18 PM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
And look-you can't stop her from suiciding if she is determined to do it, but on the other hand you can't let yourself be blamed if she does, either. If she suicides IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
You need to do what is best for your children, first.
Next time she threatens, call 911. Period.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:18 PM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I am away 6 hours by plane.
My son is with my mother now.
posted by pianomover at 2:20 PM on May 1, 2010
My son is with my mother now.
posted by pianomover at 2:20 PM on May 1, 2010
You need to call 911 the next time she threatens suicide; let them know of her history and make sure they put her on some type of suicide-watch.
Ultimately, you need to look out for your child and yourself so... Let the police help, but I doubt you can help in any other way at this point.
posted by biochemist at 2:27 PM on May 1, 2010
Ultimately, you need to look out for your child and yourself so... Let the police help, but I doubt you can help in any other way at this point.
posted by biochemist at 2:27 PM on May 1, 2010
In addition to calling 911 re: suicide, you could also see if there is a Crisis Response Team (CRT) in your locale. This is usually a group of volunteer mental health professionals who deal with these kinds of situations, and may be able to provide a wider variety of resources than 911, at least initially.
In some cities, citizens can contact the CRT directly, in others it's the police department who sends out the CRT. Either way, it's worth asking your police department directly if they have access to this kind of service.
Additionally, should the worst case scenario happen and she does kill herself after you've left, there may be a lot of guilt, so I'd encourage you to find your own counselor in the event that does take place.
Good luck.
posted by cheeken at 2:34 PM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
In some cities, citizens can contact the CRT directly, in others it's the police department who sends out the CRT. Either way, it's worth asking your police department directly if they have access to this kind of service.
Additionally, should the worst case scenario happen and she does kill herself after you've left, there may be a lot of guilt, so I'd encourage you to find your own counselor in the event that does take place.
Good luck.
posted by cheeken at 2:34 PM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's the worst type of blackmail there is, puts you into a seemingly impossible situation. And maybe you'd stay, in the hopes of her somehow finding her way out.
Except there is more to it than that. There is a child involved. That child trumps all.
Walk. Run. Skip, hop, crawl, whatever you've got to do to get away from her.
Don't for a minute be surprised if the manipulative jive continues on after you've walked. Don't be surprised by screaming midnight visits, doors pounded upon, knives being pulled, whatever other lunacy humans are capable of.
Alcoholism -- particularly blackout alcoholism -- is so very ugly.
She may recover her balance. Most alcoholics do not. It is not your success if she regains her balance. It is not your fault if she does not.
When training to be a lifeguard, you're taught first that you cannot save anyone if you become entangled in their flailing; you're taught to jerk them around, get control of them, haul them to shore. This won't work in marriage. You've got to swim away, as she flails. If she gets to shore it's not going to be on your arm.
It's a rough situation you've found yourself in. Lean upon anyone in your sphere. Go to some AlAnon meetings -- those people truly do 'get it' in the way that only those who've been under the gun can, and many (most?) of them will go out of their way to help you find your way.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:37 PM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Except there is more to it than that. There is a child involved. That child trumps all.
Walk. Run. Skip, hop, crawl, whatever you've got to do to get away from her.
Don't for a minute be surprised if the manipulative jive continues on after you've walked. Don't be surprised by screaming midnight visits, doors pounded upon, knives being pulled, whatever other lunacy humans are capable of.
Alcoholism -- particularly blackout alcoholism -- is so very ugly.
She may recover her balance. Most alcoholics do not. It is not your success if she regains her balance. It is not your fault if she does not.
When training to be a lifeguard, you're taught first that you cannot save anyone if you become entangled in their flailing; you're taught to jerk them around, get control of them, haul them to shore. This won't work in marriage. You've got to swim away, as she flails. If she gets to shore it's not going to be on your arm.
It's a rough situation you've found yourself in. Lean upon anyone in your sphere. Go to some AlAnon meetings -- those people truly do 'get it' in the way that only those who've been under the gun can, and many (most?) of them will go out of their way to help you find your way.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:37 PM on May 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't think this needs to be as complicated. If you believe her life is in danger, you call 911. Either way, you clearly need to get out.
posted by meta_eli at 2:43 PM on May 1, 2010
posted by meta_eli at 2:43 PM on May 1, 2010
Sorry you are in such a difficult position. People who are depressed/suicidal/alcoholic are not at all reasonable so using your reasonable mind to figure out this situation and/or reason with them is virtually impossible. Call 800-273-TALK or go to http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ This is a well regarded sucide help line that if you call, should be able to give you some good advice. As cold as it seems, you owe it to yourself and your kids to get out of this marriage and away from this person who is making you miserable even if she isn't doing it on purpose. On a side note, depression/mental illness seems to run in families so keep an eye on your kids and seek early interevention if they need it.
posted by MsKim at 2:50 PM on May 1, 2010
posted by MsKim at 2:50 PM on May 1, 2010
Of course this is complicated. I highly recommend contacting alanon, they can help you with this so much better than we can. They have a website and there are meetings everywhere so make that a priority. Then lay some ground rules for how you will interact with your wife, come up with scenarios and plan how to deal with them in advance: if she threatens suicide I will do A, if she starts drinking I will do B, if she drives drunk I will do C. Them consistently implement your decisions. This will help you regain some control over your own life at least. You cannot control her actions but you can control your own reactions. Getting professional help for all of you is ideal but if she won't go you can at least get it for you and your son
It's good that your kid is safe. If you think your wife is in danger of course call 911 but ultimately you can't save her from herself
posted by fshgrl at 2:56 PM on May 1, 2010
It's good that your kid is safe. If you think your wife is in danger of course call 911 but ultimately you can't save her from herself
posted by fshgrl at 2:56 PM on May 1, 2010
I was in a nearly identical situation. My ex was put into a ward for a mandatory 3 day evaluation for threatening to harm herself (after an physical altercation with police). Her psychiatrist called me and told me in no uncertain terms that I could not let this change anything, and that even if the worst happened, it was not my fault, and that my job was to protect myself and my daughter.
I followed through with my plan to leave, and she had some rough times, including at least another week in the ward. She never did harm herself, but even if she had, I knew I had already done everything I could.
Sounds like you have done the same. Let the professionals deal with it. Sorry you're going through this, but better to protect yourself and your child than have her make or keep all of you sick.
posted by The Deej at 3:12 PM on May 1, 2010
I followed through with my plan to leave, and she had some rough times, including at least another week in the ward. She never did harm herself, but even if she had, I knew I had already done everything I could.
Sounds like you have done the same. Let the professionals deal with it. Sorry you're going through this, but better to protect yourself and your child than have her make or keep all of you sick.
posted by The Deej at 3:12 PM on May 1, 2010
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posted by anniecat at 2:05 PM on May 1, 2010