Confusion reigns
April 13, 2010 9:43 PM Subscribe
How do you know whether you just like someone as a friend, or as something more?
I met this guy late last year when we were both at a conference together, and we spent about four days in each other's near constant company. We ended up talking to each other a lot, and I really enjoyed his company.
Since then, I can't stop thinking about him. I don't feel butterflies or blush or anything, but I really care about him. At the conference, we had this weird thing going on--I'm really shy, especially around people I don't know well, but I felt like we were communicating even when neither of us was saying a word, just walking side by side. He was pretty protective of me, and he picked up on one or two of my insecurities and actually responded to them in a way that no one ever had before. He was also somewhat flirty with me, although it might just have been his extroverted nature. I really missed his presence at one point when he wasn't around--and I also just feel safe when I'm around him. He made me laugh, and I loved to see him smile and just hearing his voice. We were both very reserved, so I didn't find out too much about him (and vice versa). But the physical signs of liking someone just wasn't there, the way I felt when I had crushes in the past (wildly beating heart, near constant distraction from the guy's presence, etc). I've never had a boyfriend before, so it's not like there's any comparison or anything.
I'm asking because I suspect he has a crush on me, and I might see him again soon (he hasn't been around campus a lot since; our only mode of contact was basically through Facebook), and I feel like I want to pursue things just to see how they might work out, if he's receptive. But I don't want to lead him on if I can help it, and I just can't pinpoint my own feelings. A friend of mine told me that I might be just trying to rationalize things because I know he won't be around my town long enough for any sort of relationship to develop (he's moving away soon after he graduates this May). Any help, questions I should ask myself, experiences you can share? Can this be considered liking someone romantically? I kind of know what I should do either way, I'm just trying to get myself straightened out here, as much as it might be possible.
I met this guy late last year when we were both at a conference together, and we spent about four days in each other's near constant company. We ended up talking to each other a lot, and I really enjoyed his company.
Since then, I can't stop thinking about him. I don't feel butterflies or blush or anything, but I really care about him. At the conference, we had this weird thing going on--I'm really shy, especially around people I don't know well, but I felt like we were communicating even when neither of us was saying a word, just walking side by side. He was pretty protective of me, and he picked up on one or two of my insecurities and actually responded to them in a way that no one ever had before. He was also somewhat flirty with me, although it might just have been his extroverted nature. I really missed his presence at one point when he wasn't around--and I also just feel safe when I'm around him. He made me laugh, and I loved to see him smile and just hearing his voice. We were both very reserved, so I didn't find out too much about him (and vice versa). But the physical signs of liking someone just wasn't there, the way I felt when I had crushes in the past (wildly beating heart, near constant distraction from the guy's presence, etc). I've never had a boyfriend before, so it's not like there's any comparison or anything.
I'm asking because I suspect he has a crush on me, and I might see him again soon (he hasn't been around campus a lot since; our only mode of contact was basically through Facebook), and I feel like I want to pursue things just to see how they might work out, if he's receptive. But I don't want to lead him on if I can help it, and I just can't pinpoint my own feelings. A friend of mine told me that I might be just trying to rationalize things because I know he won't be around my town long enough for any sort of relationship to develop (he's moving away soon after he graduates this May). Any help, questions I should ask myself, experiences you can share? Can this be considered liking someone romantically? I kind of know what I should do either way, I'm just trying to get myself straightened out here, as much as it might be possible.
Sounds like you like him romantically. It doesn't hurt to go on a date and see!
I have a few guy friends I only like as friends. I say "only" but I value them immensely. They're good looking and have good personalities, but I can't see myself dating them. I can't even seriously entertain the idea. They just... feel more like brothers, so I wouldn't know how to date them.
If you're open to the idea of dating someone, I'd say go for it.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 10:01 PM on April 13, 2010
I have a few guy friends I only like as friends. I say "only" but I value them immensely. They're good looking and have good personalities, but I can't see myself dating them. I can't even seriously entertain the idea. They just... feel more like brothers, so I wouldn't know how to date them.
If you're open to the idea of dating someone, I'd say go for it.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 10:01 PM on April 13, 2010
One one hand, he doesn't immediately switch your heart into lust mode. On the other hand, he sounds like the best person you've ever met.
Sounds to me like the difference between sheer, raw physical attraction and the real thing.
Date him. You'll regret it if you don't.
posted by markkraft at 11:54 PM on April 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Sounds to me like the difference between sheer, raw physical attraction and the real thing.
Date him. You'll regret it if you don't.
posted by markkraft at 11:54 PM on April 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
From the sound of it, that's called 'clicking', where someone instantly fits. Don't let people like that get away, whether you're planning to date them or not. You most likely want that man in your life, wherever he ends up fitting. Do whatever it takes to make that happen.
posted by Malor at 12:45 AM on April 14, 2010 [10 favorites]
posted by Malor at 12:45 AM on April 14, 2010 [10 favorites]
If you imagine him going in for a kiss, how do you imagine you'd react? That's your answer.
posted by gjc at 7:43 AM on April 14, 2010
posted by gjc at 7:43 AM on April 14, 2010
It sounds potentially romantic, so I would say date. Why not? If you have a good time, yay! If you don't, he will be moving. It's not exactly a high-stakes decision.
Now, depending on your attitudes, you may not want to get into a long-distance relationship, in which case, you are either looking for a brief fling (not necessarily a bad thing) or you might want to put the reins on your feelings, whatever they are.
Of course, he gets a say in this, too, so, if you date, you need to figure out what you want and have a conversation quickly. Because if one of you doesn't do long-distance or doesn't do short flings, then you will have a problem. And, if he has a crush on you, he may not be interested in just being friends, but that's his deal and not something you can control.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:34 AM on April 14, 2010
Now, depending on your attitudes, you may not want to get into a long-distance relationship, in which case, you are either looking for a brief fling (not necessarily a bad thing) or you might want to put the reins on your feelings, whatever they are.
Of course, he gets a say in this, too, so, if you date, you need to figure out what you want and have a conversation quickly. Because if one of you doesn't do long-distance or doesn't do short flings, then you will have a problem. And, if he has a crush on you, he may not be interested in just being friends, but that's his deal and not something you can control.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:34 AM on April 14, 2010
But I don't want to lead him on if I can help it, and I just can't pinpoint my own feelings.
Dating when you're not sure if you like the person isn't leading them on. It's only leading them on if you're sure you don't like them romantically and can't bring yourself to tell them. Otherwise, that's what dating is for: figuring out if you like someone. Don't use that or the fact that he's moving soon as an excuse to talk yourself out of seeing whether anything is there. If there isn't you won't regret having tried.
posted by MsMolly at 11:05 AM on April 14, 2010
Dating when you're not sure if you like the person isn't leading them on. It's only leading them on if you're sure you don't like them romantically and can't bring yourself to tell them. Otherwise, that's what dating is for: figuring out if you like someone. Don't use that or the fact that he's moving soon as an excuse to talk yourself out of seeing whether anything is there. If there isn't you won't regret having tried.
posted by MsMolly at 11:05 AM on April 14, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
"Leading him on" would be dating him without any interest in him, dating him for manipulation purposes, dating him for the pleasure of taking his heart and crushing it in your fist, or the thing an asshole says to you when he's trying to pressure you. None of that applies here.
posted by sallybrown at 9:51 PM on April 13, 2010 [8 favorites]