Help with sexual dysfunction with a partner
March 31, 2010 8:54 PM   Subscribe

I have issues having intercourse with my partner. Everything starts out, and erect. Foreplay is no problem, but I have a tendency to start going limp during intercourse.

So I am in my late early thirties, and I have very little real world sexual experience. I was married for a long time, and sex between me and my wife was never very good, it was also very very infrequent.

For most of my life sex has been a lonesome action. I have no trouble taking matters into my own hands, and I function well while on my own.
I should say that on my own I have explored a lot of fantasies and
found some fetishes that work quite well to get me aroused.

I now have a new partner and we have been together for a while,
and we try to have sex once or twice a week. I sometimes have
trouble getting an erection, but much more frequently everything
works well with foreplay and such, but after the intercourse begins
I go increasingly limp. Interestingly I can still ejaculate when semi
soft, but I do not stimulate my partner in the same manner.

I have tried a cock ring, with some limited success but in general it
kinda hurts and the last couple of times it was not efficient at
maintaining my erection.

My partner is understanding and I appreciate that, but I feel I should
be able to have sex once or twice a week with my new partner.
She is very attractive and all.

I have tried to bring up some of my fetishes but she is not at all
interested in that type of scene.

So I have a few questions:
1) Any advice any can answer in general
2) Is it my many years of masturbation that is keeping me from enjoying
3) Is it at all common to have trouble sustaining an erection during
4) Is it common to go a bit limp prior to ejaculating?
5) How weird is it to be a guy an not really have really strong urges
to have sex with a woman.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

1. relax!

2. doubtful... but, if you're still masturbating...stop...

3. yes...

4. sometimes

5. not weird at all.

OK... I'm older than dirt, married twice, multiple partners over the years.

advice... communicate, talk, be honest... explore, respect each other's limits and comfort levels, love each other..


posted by HuronBob at 9:02 PM on March 31, 2010

You sound totally normal to me. You haven't been in sexual situation with other people for a while, and you're understandable a little nervous. Like HuronBob says, I'd lay off the masturbation for a while and see if that helps. When not in a sexual situation, I would ask her about your fetishes and how they make her feel, why she isn't interested, etc. If she still says no, drop it.

It is totally normal to not have really strong sexual urges. That's really a societal pressure. Do what feels naturally to you, and try to forget about the way society tells you you're supposed to perform. If all else fails, they have pills for these things.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 9:16 PM on March 31, 2010 [1 favorite]

I strongly suggest changing the way you think about sex.

Take things slow and easy, don't just pursue orgasms. Focus on your partner and not yourself. Try to find ways to satisfy your partner that DO NOT involve intercourse. After your partner has been thoroughly satisfied, then is the time for intercourse. Make sure to breathe properly throughout.

I think you'll be amazed how well you perform when you are thinking more about making your partner happy than your own gratification.

Also, eat right, and exercise.
posted by satori_movement at 9:31 PM on March 31, 2010 [8 favorites]

Satori_movement is wise.
posted by davejay at 9:40 PM on March 31, 2010

It's a cliché, but try to relax. Stress is often a cause of erectile dysfunction.

Are you totally comfortable in bed with your partner yet? I had a very similar problem last year (first new partner after the end of a long-term relationship, big performance issues) and it improved massively once I became more closer to my new girlfriend.

Sex with a partner who you know cares for you and is attracted to you is way better than sex where you're constantly worrying that your partner will judge you based on your performance or sexual tastes.

If you're not quite there yet, try smoking a joint beforehand (I'm serious).
posted by ripley_ at 9:57 PM on March 31, 2010

This might be an attention issue (any other attention issues?) if you get distracted

Fetishes...I gotta say, fetishes, you might need them to really enjoy yourself.

Try a different kind of cock ring if you have the resources. Some work better on some people better than others.

Also consider penetration with fingers/toys. If you use your hand try a latex glove, it can make things smoother. Sometimes there's a lot of pressure on intercourse to be THE thing, that's not always the case.

I can't say what's normal but it doesn't sound like you're too abnormal. Either way, you're cool and valuable. Your sexuality is okay, try to have as much fun as possible.
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 10:07 PM on March 31, 2010 [1 favorite]

Clearly there's a strong emotional and psychological component at play here, but have you ruled out physiological causes?

Some medications, dehydration, and lack of sleep can all cause loss of erection.
posted by rbellon at 3:43 AM on April 1, 2010

No mention of condoms, but they can be serious erection killers themselves.
posted by eas98 at 7:59 AM on April 1, 2010

You don't really mention how she responded to your talk of fetishes other than "she is not really at all into that type of scene."

I would consider exploring the issue further (in a delicate manner). Maybe start by asking about her fantasies (which is a much safer word than "fetishes" which might sound too dirty to some). You'd be surprised to find there may be some overlap...unless of course you're into scat and heavy bondage or something like that...

But to be honest, you need to figure out relatively quickly whether the performance issues (which, minus fetishes would sound completely normal for your situation) are just a matter of getting more comfortable with the two of you being together intimately (and thus should go away in time), or whether they stem from lack of fulfilling your fetishes, which if she's not into it won't go away.

If it is the latter, it sounds like this may not be a long-term thing for you if you can't get satisfied sexually.
posted by Elminster24 at 9:08 AM on April 1, 2010

If you're using condoms, that could certainly be the problem. Also, you should try completely abstaining from masturbation. Chances are that will clear things right up.
posted by The Lamplighter at 9:51 AM on April 1, 2010

A long time ago, someone gave me Daniel Rose's "Sex God Method" as an eBook. The official site looks a little cheesy, and their pricing scheme seems like something I wouldn't want to get involved with, but there's certainly other ways of acquiring content *cough*. The book is an absolute must-read, and will help you with the approach to sex you currently have, as well as teaching you to please your partner to the degree that she'll be tripping over herself trying to get you back in the sack.

Also, you'll definitely want to look into kegel exercises, which strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and bring stronger, longer lasting erections in addition to all kinds of other benefits, such as the potential for male multiple orgasm, if you've trained the PC long enough.

Wikipedia: Kegel exercises

This site has a bunch of kegel info (use the bar on the left) that looks helpful, and there's some routines here, but I've found that the best kegel exercise schemes can't really be found codified in one place online. If you're interested in kegels, I can post a bunch of routines that'll work better than something found on the net.
posted by loveyourfellowman at 10:06 AM on April 1, 2010 [2 favorites]

A large component of sex is your mind game. One time I went soft inside a girl. It was because right before we had sex she was talking about wanting to have a baby and what I would do if she got pregnant and if she would quit her job and move in and other things like that. It started out ok, because foreplay tends to be good. But later on I went soft. I pulled out and said I was tired. After she left I masturbated.

Anyway, it's all in your head.
posted by Wayman Tisdale at 12:23 PM on April 1, 2010

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