Can long-distance dating work? And is it too soon to be exclusive?
March 5, 2010 3:09 PM Subscribe
Can long-distance dating work? And is it too soon to be exclusive?
I'm a hetero male in my late twenties. About 4-5 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years or so. Not long after, while on a short vacation, I ran into an acquaintance that I knew casually from work a few years ago, in the city that I used to live in. We hit it off pretty well and have been seeing each other about once every 3-4 weeks or so.
She's a really great girl, and we have a ton of common interests and hobbies, so much that it's almost scary. But... we live over 1000 miles away from each other. I really like her a lot, but I wouldn't say that I'm (at least not yet) in love with her.
So we're doing this long-distance relationship thing, and it's been about 3 months. I feel like our relationship is moving in slow motion, since we aren't even in the same city, but we did decide to be exclusively dating each other recently.
So the first part of my question is, is it silly to be exclusive so soon considering we're not (yet?) in love and not in the same city? Part of me feels that it might be fun to be single (and mingle...) post long-term relationship, but the other part of me thinks that outlook is childish/immature, and that reversing exclusivity could mess things up with this promising individual.
Secondly, do we need to move to the same city to figure out if our relationship has any real potential? And what if neither of us has any short-term plans to move?
I'm a hetero male in my late twenties. About 4-5 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years or so. Not long after, while on a short vacation, I ran into an acquaintance that I knew casually from work a few years ago, in the city that I used to live in. We hit it off pretty well and have been seeing each other about once every 3-4 weeks or so.
She's a really great girl, and we have a ton of common interests and hobbies, so much that it's almost scary. But... we live over 1000 miles away from each other. I really like her a lot, but I wouldn't say that I'm (at least not yet) in love with her.
So we're doing this long-distance relationship thing, and it's been about 3 months. I feel like our relationship is moving in slow motion, since we aren't even in the same city, but we did decide to be exclusively dating each other recently.
So the first part of my question is, is it silly to be exclusive so soon considering we're not (yet?) in love and not in the same city? Part of me feels that it might be fun to be single (and mingle...) post long-term relationship, but the other part of me thinks that outlook is childish/immature, and that reversing exclusivity could mess things up with this promising individual.
Secondly, do we need to move to the same city to figure out if our relationship has any real potential? And what if neither of us has any short-term plans to move?
So the first part of my question is, is it silly to be exclusive so soon considering we're not (yet?) in love and not in the same city? Part of me feels that it might be fun to be single (and mingle...) post long-term relationship, but the other part of me thinks that outlook is childish/immature, and that reversing exclusivity could mess things up with this promising individual.
That's not a childish or immature thought. Maybe she's even feeling the same thing. Why not ask her about it? You don't have to go in saying, "Hey, I totally want to go bang other people," just work it into a conversation about where she and yourself see this going.
Secondly, do we need to move to the same city to figure out if our relationship has any real potential? And what if neither of us has any short-term plans to move?
In my opinion, the relationship won't be a real relationship until you're in the same place. Think about it: what do most of us find most fulfilling, on an everyday basis, about being in love? Physical attraction and affection. Sex. Doing things together that you both like. Mundane, awesome things like kitchen banter. A long-distance relationship has none of these things; it has only their potential. Of course, you know that already.
If this girl is as great as you say, and you don't mind holding out, then I say go for it. Amazing connections are rare. However, it would help you a great deal to have an end-point in mind. My sister and brother-in-law have now been together for a decade, but they spend their first few years 1,000 miles apart while he was at med school. So it can be done, just not easily, and don't kid yourself that a relationship by phone can move forward in any of the ways that a real, physical relationship does.
Good luck!
posted by cirripede at 3:23 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
That's not a childish or immature thought. Maybe she's even feeling the same thing. Why not ask her about it? You don't have to go in saying, "Hey, I totally want to go bang other people," just work it into a conversation about where she and yourself see this going.
Secondly, do we need to move to the same city to figure out if our relationship has any real potential? And what if neither of us has any short-term plans to move?
In my opinion, the relationship won't be a real relationship until you're in the same place. Think about it: what do most of us find most fulfilling, on an everyday basis, about being in love? Physical attraction and affection. Sex. Doing things together that you both like. Mundane, awesome things like kitchen banter. A long-distance relationship has none of these things; it has only their potential. Of course, you know that already.
If this girl is as great as you say, and you don't mind holding out, then I say go for it. Amazing connections are rare. However, it would help you a great deal to have an end-point in mind. My sister and brother-in-law have now been together for a decade, but they spend their first few years 1,000 miles apart while he was at med school. So it can be done, just not easily, and don't kid yourself that a relationship by phone can move forward in any of the ways that a real, physical relationship does.
Good luck!
posted by cirripede at 3:23 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
In my experience with LDRs, I have found that even if you spend so much time talking to someone that you think you know them almost as well as you possibly could- you don't. That the only way to really know someone is to observe/interact with them in person, for a long time.
So, when you say that it feels like your relationship is moving in slow motion, I would not only agree with that, but I think there is probably a point past which it can't really progress.
Also, because you're not in love with her, I think that'll make things a LOT harder when you meet another great girl with whom you have a lot in common, who lives in the same city. I think being in love would make it a lot easier to committed and focused on your gf when you meet other appealing people.
It sounds almost like you guys are kind of bookmarking each other. But the fact that you never know when you'd get around to reading that book, if at all (moving to be together) makes it seem kind of pointless.
posted by Ashley801 at 3:24 PM on March 5, 2010 [5 favorites]
So, when you say that it feels like your relationship is moving in slow motion, I would not only agree with that, but I think there is probably a point past which it can't really progress.
Also, because you're not in love with her, I think that'll make things a LOT harder when you meet another great girl with whom you have a lot in common, who lives in the same city. I think being in love would make it a lot easier to committed and focused on your gf when you meet other appealing people.
It sounds almost like you guys are kind of bookmarking each other. But the fact that you never know when you'd get around to reading that book, if at all (moving to be together) makes it seem kind of pointless.
posted by Ashley801 at 3:24 PM on March 5, 2010 [5 favorites]
Isn't this – exclusivity, long term prospects, EXCLUSIVITY! – something you should be discussing with your girlfriend?
Anyway, as someone who was in a happily ending (as in upcoming marriage) long-distance romance for two and a half years, I believe that without concrete, set-in-stone plans to live in the same place, your relationship is doomed.
posted by halogen at 3:34 PM on March 5, 2010
Anyway, as someone who was in a happily ending (as in upcoming marriage) long-distance romance for two and a half years, I believe that without concrete, set-in-stone plans to live in the same place, your relationship is doomed.
posted by halogen at 3:34 PM on March 5, 2010
Amazing connections are rare.
Amazing connections are amazing. I don't know about rare. Every time I've made an amazing connection, I've had this feeling that it's the most important thing in the world and it's inconceivable that I could find a better match. That is, of course, until the next amazing connection comes along.
If you've found such a "great girl" (almost immediately after ending things with the previous great girl, no less), you can find a great girl in your area. I don't see the point in starting a relationship with someone 1,000 miles away, in your late 20s, with no plans to change the situation. Between the two of you you're now flying in a plane what, two or three times a month, minimum? Or else you're going on some epic road trips. It just seems like a waste. (I wish you weren't Anonymous so we could question you on how feasible it would actually be to move to the same city.)
I also think it has a lot to do with being on the rebound. Your previous relationship of 2.5 years ends, and a month or two later you start dating this new person who I'm sure is nice and pretty and generally compatible with you, but who lives nowhere near you. You live close enough to see each other a satisfactory (?) amount, and I'm sure you regularly talk on the phone. So you have this relationship going on in the background that's fun and sustaining without being too intense. I can see how this would be an appealing comfort in the aftermath of the breakup.
I'm not sure how we can really help you -- it comes down to if you want this situation. If you do, stick with it. You know the downsides: as you said, the relationship moves in slow motion when you rarely get to see each other.
Do you want to know what I'd do? I'm a late 20s single guy who ended a long-term relationship about a month ago; if I were to have this kind of opportunity handed to me, there's no way I'd go for it. I'd just keep looking for someone local, even if it means being single for a long time. And this isn't mostly based on sex; it's that heart of a relationship is being together in person. If you want a relationship, go for a real relationship.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:46 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Amazing connections are amazing. I don't know about rare. Every time I've made an amazing connection, I've had this feeling that it's the most important thing in the world and it's inconceivable that I could find a better match. That is, of course, until the next amazing connection comes along.
If you've found such a "great girl" (almost immediately after ending things with the previous great girl, no less), you can find a great girl in your area. I don't see the point in starting a relationship with someone 1,000 miles away, in your late 20s, with no plans to change the situation. Between the two of you you're now flying in a plane what, two or three times a month, minimum? Or else you're going on some epic road trips. It just seems like a waste. (I wish you weren't Anonymous so we could question you on how feasible it would actually be to move to the same city.)
I also think it has a lot to do with being on the rebound. Your previous relationship of 2.5 years ends, and a month or two later you start dating this new person who I'm sure is nice and pretty and generally compatible with you, but who lives nowhere near you. You live close enough to see each other a satisfactory (?) amount, and I'm sure you regularly talk on the phone. So you have this relationship going on in the background that's fun and sustaining without being too intense. I can see how this would be an appealing comfort in the aftermath of the breakup.
I'm not sure how we can really help you -- it comes down to if you want this situation. If you do, stick with it. You know the downsides: as you said, the relationship moves in slow motion when you rarely get to see each other.
Do you want to know what I'd do? I'm a late 20s single guy who ended a long-term relationship about a month ago; if I were to have this kind of opportunity handed to me, there's no way I'd go for it. I'd just keep looking for someone local, even if it means being single for a long time. And this isn't mostly based on sex; it's that heart of a relationship is being together in person. If you want a relationship, go for a real relationship.
posted by Jaltcoh at 3:46 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think in this case you should just take things as they come. If you don't feel like you're in love with her yet, and it is still very early on, I'm not sure what your question is really about. I do not believe you need to move to the same city to figure out if your relationship has real potential, but if you're already having doubts about the relationship, that strikes me as a bad sign for the relationship. I also think it would be a bad idea for either of you to think about moving to the other's city if you are not in love with her.
posted by wondermouse at 4:10 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by wondermouse at 4:10 PM on March 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is impossible to answer since each situation is so specific. I was in a LDR for 11 months (granted, it didn't involve planes, but it still sucked). We were exclusive within a month. We've now been married a year and a half. There was NO question in our minds in that first month. If there had been any doubt, I would have continued dating others in my area (see aforementioned suckage of long distance).
posted by desjardins at 4:23 PM on March 5, 2010
posted by desjardins at 4:23 PM on March 5, 2010
On exclusivity: that's something I do only when it does not feel like a burden or an obligation. I become exclusive because I want to--because I want to spend my time only with one other lover because no one else could possibly compare to her. It's not something I question or ponder. I become exclusive because I know I want it.
So if I were in your position, I would not become exclusive. For me, the fact that I'm asking the question "should I be exclusive?" means that the answer is apparent: "no."
posted by massysett at 5:05 PM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
So if I were in your position, I would not become exclusive. For me, the fact that I'm asking the question "should I be exclusive?" means that the answer is apparent: "no."
posted by massysett at 5:05 PM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
I can only answer the first part, but yes. I met my SO on IRC 15 years ago. We've been together exclusively for 12 years, and have lived together for the last 6.
That said, among our group of "IRC friends" who had long distance relationships, we are the only two still together. So it can work, but your chances aren't great. Communication was key.
posted by wierdo at 6:29 PM on March 5, 2010
That said, among our group of "IRC friends" who had long distance relationships, we are the only two still together. So it can work, but your chances aren't great. Communication was key.
posted by wierdo at 6:29 PM on March 5, 2010
I did LDR with my beautiful partner for, hmmmm, 2 years? 2 and a bit? It wasn't always easy, but it was super fun because when we did see each other, we made sure the other person and having fun with them was the only priority. We got to know each other plenty; yes, it's not the same as living together, but it's it's largely in your hands how much work you put into an LDR and what you get out of it. It was hard, lonely at times, fun, exhilarating, frustrating, intense, expensive and a whole lot more.
Too soon is not something anyone here can comment on. "Soon-ness" is about where you are in your head and heart, what you are ready or not ready for, and how you feel about your burgeoning relationship. Don't end something that's good for you because of notions about what's "right" to do after a break up.
posted by smoke at 6:37 PM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Too soon is not something anyone here can comment on. "Soon-ness" is about where you are in your head and heart, what you are ready or not ready for, and how you feel about your burgeoning relationship. Don't end something that's good for you because of notions about what's "right" to do after a break up.
posted by smoke at 6:37 PM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Maybe this should just be a casual, open relationship rather than "committed" and monogamous, given the circumstances. Making the switch to seriousness is going to be difficult (and maybe not beneficial to anyone) under these circumstances.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:11 AM on March 6, 2010
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:11 AM on March 6, 2010
Real love can survive a long distance relationship. I was in a long distance relationship for a really long time with some one I really loved. What did I do? I married him as soon as we got the chance! Being in that long distance relationship made me realize that we had something really special, even if we did have problems just like everyone else...
We saw each other about every three to four weeks like you do. It worked for us, and if you are willing, I'm sure it could for you too :)
posted by shortbus at 4:04 PM on March 8, 2010
We saw each other about every three to four weeks like you do. It worked for us, and if you are willing, I'm sure it could for you too :)
posted by shortbus at 4:04 PM on March 8, 2010
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What percentage of you feels that it might be fun to single (and mingle . . .) post long-term relationship?
Go with the higher percentage.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:21 PM on March 5, 2010 [2 favorites]