I feel like I'm just wired wrong.
March 3, 2010 8:33 PM Subscribe
When I was a baby, I rocked on my hands and knees in my crib, so much so that my parents had to buy me a new crib at one point. I grew out of it, like most babies do, but then around the age of 11 or so I started up again.
I would sit on the edge of my bed in front of my stereo and just kinda bounce there while listening to music. I would do it for literally hours at a time, usually from the time I got home from school till when I went to bed, taking time out to do only what was necessary (eat, homework, chores) I did this until I left home at 18, and I've never done it since (although I do seem to be drawn to certain repetitive behaviors). It's always nagged at me, as I've never heard of anyone acting like that who wasn't autistic, but I don't think I fit the criteria for autism or even Asperger's (I'm a bit of an odd person, but I'm able to function and I am social if a little shy). My parents never did anything but yell at me for it, and it was kind of a dark shameful secret that I did it.
I should mention that there was some stress around the age I started doing it again: I switched from a small private Christian school to a big public school, which isn't a huge trauma normally, but for me it was extremely difficult adjusting. I was originally in the gifted and talented group but then was taken out of it because the teachers felt I was too immature/socially maladjusted. I suffered severe depression on and off throughout adolescence and had a few suicide attempts and was hospitalized.
As an adult I do other things that give me the same feeling the rocking did (it was really addictive...I was ashamed of it but couldn't stop doing it). Mainly driving around, always in a specific route, usually listening to a specific song or two over and over again. Or, I will play a repetitive type of game, like solitaire. I know lots of people do stuff like this but I will do it for waaay longer than a normal person would, or at least I think. It is incredibly soothing to me. I know I should see a therapist about it but it seems so silly and it's hard for me to talk about because I'm so ashamed of it. I feel like a spaz and a freak. I was treated like one by family members and neighborhood kids and I guess I've internalized that. It's hard for me to trust people.
I've tried googling this, but everything turns up aspergers/autism which like I said, doesn't really apply to me I think. So what's up with this? Is it some kind of OCD? I did tell a counselor about it a long time ago and he kind of brushed off, but it really bothers me. Especially since I kinda still do it, only in more socially acceptable ways, and I feel like I've wasted my a lot of my life away. I'm in my mid-thirties and was always told I was bright and had potential, but I've done very little but the bare minimum, pretty much living inside my head most of the time.
I know you all will say therapy, and I am in the process of finding someone I feel comfortable with...I guess I'd just appreciate some advice or insight in the meantime. Anonymous email: guesshoo112@gmail.com
I would sit on the edge of my bed in front of my stereo and just kinda bounce there while listening to music. I would do it for literally hours at a time, usually from the time I got home from school till when I went to bed, taking time out to do only what was necessary (eat, homework, chores) I did this until I left home at 18, and I've never done it since (although I do seem to be drawn to certain repetitive behaviors). It's always nagged at me, as I've never heard of anyone acting like that who wasn't autistic, but I don't think I fit the criteria for autism or even Asperger's (I'm a bit of an odd person, but I'm able to function and I am social if a little shy). My parents never did anything but yell at me for it, and it was kind of a dark shameful secret that I did it.
I should mention that there was some stress around the age I started doing it again: I switched from a small private Christian school to a big public school, which isn't a huge trauma normally, but for me it was extremely difficult adjusting. I was originally in the gifted and talented group but then was taken out of it because the teachers felt I was too immature/socially maladjusted. I suffered severe depression on and off throughout adolescence and had a few suicide attempts and was hospitalized.
As an adult I do other things that give me the same feeling the rocking did (it was really addictive...I was ashamed of it but couldn't stop doing it). Mainly driving around, always in a specific route, usually listening to a specific song or two over and over again. Or, I will play a repetitive type of game, like solitaire. I know lots of people do stuff like this but I will do it for waaay longer than a normal person would, or at least I think. It is incredibly soothing to me. I know I should see a therapist about it but it seems so silly and it's hard for me to talk about because I'm so ashamed of it. I feel like a spaz and a freak. I was treated like one by family members and neighborhood kids and I guess I've internalized that. It's hard for me to trust people.
I've tried googling this, but everything turns up aspergers/autism which like I said, doesn't really apply to me I think. So what's up with this? Is it some kind of OCD? I did tell a counselor about it a long time ago and he kind of brushed off, but it really bothers me. Especially since I kinda still do it, only in more socially acceptable ways, and I feel like I've wasted my a lot of my life away. I'm in my mid-thirties and was always told I was bright and had potential, but I've done very little but the bare minimum, pretty much living inside my head most of the time.
I know you all will say therapy, and I am in the process of finding someone I feel comfortable with...I guess I'd just appreciate some advice or insight in the meantime. Anonymous email: guesshoo112@gmail.com
I am not a doctor nor a therapist. I do not have autism or Asperger's. I am a happily married woman, late-thirties, mother, and employed. I do repetitive motions. I rock myself to sleep. When I don't rock myself to sleep I do other repetitive motions. Currently, I clench my inner thighs over and over. This is a new one. It soothes me to sleep. Sometimes I will go months without a repetitive motion or rocking. I don't beat myself up for it. It's something I do at night to soothe me to sleep. I do believe it is OCD, or maybe some primitive human need. I have never been formally diagnosed, this is my opinion. I also have had tics for long periods of times. I would clench my neck and blink obsessively.
As long as you are functioning otherwise I would not worry about it. I do other "weird" things. I might seek out certain types of entertainment over and over. I also listen to the same song repetitively. I have known to obsessively drive the same route.
Get involved in your real life. Treasure real life, even with all it's craziness and awkwardness. Hang around your friends and family as much as possible. Get medicated if your psychiatrist thinks it's wise. I am on Celexa and I find it helps me tremendously with the "crazy" obsessive thoughts and behaviors. I don't know if SSRIs are traditionally used for OCD but it helps me.
Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 9:23 PM on March 3, 2010
As long as you are functioning otherwise I would not worry about it. I do other "weird" things. I might seek out certain types of entertainment over and over. I also listen to the same song repetitively. I have known to obsessively drive the same route.
Get involved in your real life. Treasure real life, even with all it's craziness and awkwardness. Hang around your friends and family as much as possible. Get medicated if your psychiatrist thinks it's wise. I am on Celexa and I find it helps me tremendously with the "crazy" obsessive thoughts and behaviors. I don't know if SSRIs are traditionally used for OCD but it helps me.
Good luck.
posted by Fairchild at 9:23 PM on March 3, 2010
I don't have any specific advice but maybe it would help you feel not like such a freak to hear that your question could almost, down to small details, have been written about me? I am thirty now, but I rocked in my crib -- I could rock it all the way across the room -- rocked obsessively to music for hours when I got older (on the bed in front of the stereo, until I realized others in the house could hear the mattress so I switched to the floor), rocked myself to sleep...all the while living inside my head and letting life slip by me without really noticing, often. I also was in the gifted and talented program. My home life as a child was...well, my mother was very depressed and my father was a paranoid with anger problems, I had almost no friends and I think I mostly wanted to hide - not physically, but mentally - and also to soothe myself. When I became an adult and started sharing a bed with a boyfriend for the first time I forced myself to stop rocking to sleep (very hard habit to break), but still, in every place I've lived, I've set up a little place where I can sit and rock back and forth to music. It comes and goes depending on how full my life is - when I'm in a happy relationship, or have things going on *outside* my head that really interest me the need for it slows to a trickle. But I am a very shy person and often don't really have friends and so when a "real life" thing goes wrong or comes to an end I haven't got many outside distractions. Then this elaborate inner life begins to build up and to sustain and add to it I seem to need the rocking motion.
Lately I've tried to force myself to stop - not the rocking per se but the inner life which cancels out everything else. Like you, I feel like my life is passing me by without me noticing, but I've had some pretty grim things happen lately which I think have hopefully given me some sort of push to try harder to ... I don't know, but to do something else.
I have also searched for information about this and have probably only found the same things you have. This is the first time I have heard of another adult who does this and I'm sort of embarrassed to write this publicly, but what the hell.
I guess my advice then is to find something else that fulfills you - and to deny yourself the comfort of falling back into your head when the finding of it doesn't come quickly. Because when you do that, I've found, it could be a year or more until you 'wake up' again. Maybe this won't help you at all and doesn't apply to you; maybe I'm reading too much of myself into your question. But I was so startled to come across someone describing myself to me that I wanted to say something, and at least you know you're not an absolute freak - there are at least two of us.
posted by frobozz at 9:44 PM on March 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
Lately I've tried to force myself to stop - not the rocking per se but the inner life which cancels out everything else. Like you, I feel like my life is passing me by without me noticing, but I've had some pretty grim things happen lately which I think have hopefully given me some sort of push to try harder to ... I don't know, but to do something else.
I have also searched for information about this and have probably only found the same things you have. This is the first time I have heard of another adult who does this and I'm sort of embarrassed to write this publicly, but what the hell.
I guess my advice then is to find something else that fulfills you - and to deny yourself the comfort of falling back into your head when the finding of it doesn't come quickly. Because when you do that, I've found, it could be a year or more until you 'wake up' again. Maybe this won't help you at all and doesn't apply to you; maybe I'm reading too much of myself into your question. But I was so startled to come across someone describing myself to me that I wanted to say something, and at least you know you're not an absolute freak - there are at least two of us.
posted by frobozz at 9:44 PM on March 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
I'm not a therapist, but it seems to me that the problem is maybe your lingering childhood shame about this stuff. When you look for a therapist, maybe don't worry so much about your rocking behaviors and such, and look more to reconcile that being labeled as socially weird kid at one point does not necessarily make you less of complete adult.
These rocking behaviors and other repetitive stuff aren't getting in the way of you being a functional adult, right? Look, most people have some sort of comforting coping mechanisms that are a bit odd, taken out of context. For that matter, there's a whole lot of popular entertainments that are a bit odd, if you think about it.
I'm in my mid-thirties and was always told I was bright and had potential, but I've done very little but the bare minimum, pretty much living inside my head most of the time.
A lot of people feel this way, even people that you would maybe consider more accomplished than yourself. Really.
posted by desuetude at 9:44 PM on March 3, 2010
These rocking behaviors and other repetitive stuff aren't getting in the way of you being a functional adult, right? Look, most people have some sort of comforting coping mechanisms that are a bit odd, taken out of context. For that matter, there's a whole lot of popular entertainments that are a bit odd, if you think about it.
I'm in my mid-thirties and was always told I was bright and had potential, but I've done very little but the bare minimum, pretty much living inside my head most of the time.
A lot of people feel this way, even people that you would maybe consider more accomplished than yourself. Really.
posted by desuetude at 9:44 PM on March 3, 2010
You know what? I did this until I was twelve, except that I sang while I was doing it. I had some learning troubles related to partial deafness (teachers thought I was delayed, an assessment proved that I was advanced), and I'm not exactly a social wizard, but I'm the opposite of OCD. I don't tend to acquire habits. I'm not Asperger's or anything like that. I always just thought it was a weird thing that I did that I lost interest in.
Also, I'm not really routine-focused, but I do like to listen to the same songs and do repeat certain activities at long intervals.
None of this ever struck me as shameful though, just interesting. On the other hand, I did spend much of my life being hopeless and depressed, and it wasn't until my early 30s that I got oriented and started moving forward. The key for me was a stint on meds that put me in touch with what "normal" feels like, and gave me a yardstick by which to measure my mental state.
If I was going to advise my 10-years-ago self, I'd say: "Don't hate yourself. Get some advice, get some help, if necessary, take advantage of some opportunities and don't look back."
posted by klanawa at 9:46 PM on March 3, 2010
Also, I'm not really routine-focused, but I do like to listen to the same songs and do repeat certain activities at long intervals.
None of this ever struck me as shameful though, just interesting. On the other hand, I did spend much of my life being hopeless and depressed, and it wasn't until my early 30s that I got oriented and started moving forward. The key for me was a stint on meds that put me in touch with what "normal" feels like, and gave me a yardstick by which to measure my mental state.
If I was going to advise my 10-years-ago self, I'd say: "Don't hate yourself. Get some advice, get some help, if necessary, take advantage of some opportunities and don't look back."
posted by klanawa at 9:46 PM on March 3, 2010
yea, you're not alone - there is a story by David Sedaris called "a plague of tics" where he describes (and no doubt, embellishes) his own repetitive behaviour as a kid. If you think that having a good laugh about it might help you feel a little better about yourself, I recommend reading it - it's really funny, and hopefully inspirational as well - Sedaris is now a really famous author!
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:59 PM on March 3, 2010
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 10:59 PM on March 3, 2010
"One more game" of Kakuro once became five hours--at average 5 minutes per game. Same songs over and over, definitely. Also, jogging/running in circles inside, not like "running around playing" but just... moving around a loop. And yes, with the whole host of shame issues (I would gladly go back in time and kill certain relatives before they could give me nightmares about people "finding out").
Sorry I don't have a diagnosis or anything for you, but you're definitely not alone.
posted by anaelith at 1:32 AM on March 4, 2010
Sorry I don't have a diagnosis or anything for you, but you're definitely not alone.
posted by anaelith at 1:32 AM on March 4, 2010
I used to do a lot of the things people are writing about and still will under certain circumstances. I don't know if I rocked as a baby, but I had lots of repetitive motions and still do. One thing I do is 'type', moving my fingers when someone is talking as if I were typing the word. When I was a kid, in the car with my parents (highly tense situation), I'd clench my teeth briefly every time we passed a telephone pole. I, too, have lost myself in Solitare, played endless hours of Tetris, or Zuma.
Later in life my thing is mentally singling out parallel lines on the visible planes in a room. Like those two parallel lines on each side of the rectangular ceiling, the many parallel lines on the grid thing that covers the window. I'll find them two by two and move on to the next. I really did a ton of this when I was married to my ex-husband, because I was miserable. So I was constantly looking for something to distract me.
The tension in that relationship was a lot like the tension growing up, where I'd do the telephone pole thing. I also did a lot of pacing from one end of my bedroom to the other, listening to the same song over and over, as a teenager.
I'm probably a little autistic or OCD but we're all a little weird and I have a relationship I love being in, a kid I love, a job I love, a dog I love. Etc. , so it's not very important.
It's a coping mechanism and stress release. Let's just be glad it's not heroin.
Seriously, don't beat yourself up about it:
My parents never did anything but yell at me for it, and it was kind of a dark shameful secret that I did it.
Forget that. You were taking care of yourself, trying to make yourself feel better. Screw 'em. Maybe it made them nervous. Whatever. But it's no dark shameful secret.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:16 AM on March 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Later in life my thing is mentally singling out parallel lines on the visible planes in a room. Like those two parallel lines on each side of the rectangular ceiling, the many parallel lines on the grid thing that covers the window. I'll find them two by two and move on to the next. I really did a ton of this when I was married to my ex-husband, because I was miserable. So I was constantly looking for something to distract me.
The tension in that relationship was a lot like the tension growing up, where I'd do the telephone pole thing. I also did a lot of pacing from one end of my bedroom to the other, listening to the same song over and over, as a teenager.
I'm probably a little autistic or OCD but we're all a little weird and I have a relationship I love being in, a kid I love, a job I love, a dog I love. Etc. , so it's not very important.
It's a coping mechanism and stress release. Let's just be glad it's not heroin.
Seriously, don't beat yourself up about it:
My parents never did anything but yell at me for it, and it was kind of a dark shameful secret that I did it.
Forget that. You were taking care of yourself, trying to make yourself feel better. Screw 'em. Maybe it made them nervous. Whatever. But it's no dark shameful secret.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:16 AM on March 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
I listened to a Bloc Party song every time I showered for a month. I rock whenever I'm stuck in my head (and if I can't rock, I jiggle a body part - I even did that during labour when I would disappear inside my head during a contraction). For a long time if I had to choose between two things I would do a decision dances - the lady putting away meat at the grocery store nearly did herself damage trying not to laugh at me today since I've started doing it again (I didn't realise until I looked at her and realised she was trying not to laugh and then realised that I was dancing in front of the meat section singing "shoulder or leg" to Sweet Home Alabama). I will listen to the same song for hours. I don't know if I did any of that as a baby but I very much did as a teen and a child. I suffered from depression for a very long time and part of it was obsessive thinking that I finally got under control with meds. Since then the cessation of obsessive thinking has freed up a lot of my mental energy and I find myself better able to cope with things which leads to less of the odd twitches. i still get them and they're tolerable. Odd but tolerable. If they interfere with your life then they need to change but for me the obsessive thinking that meant I spent far more time spiralling into crazier and crazier what-if scenarios was what needed fixing.
Mind you the other anachronism isn't nearly so keen on the rocking and the jiggling. So we work on that.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:28 AM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Mind you the other anachronism isn't nearly so keen on the rocking and the jiggling. So we work on that.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:28 AM on March 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Later in life my thing is mentally singling out parallel lines on the visible planes in a room. Like those two parallel lines on each side of the rectangular ceiling, the many parallel lines on the grid thing that covers the window. I'll find them two by two and move on to the next. I really did a ton of this when I was married to my ex-husband, because I was miserable. So I was constantly looking for something to distract me.
Ha, that reminded me of my travelling twitch of constantly looking for an unbroken line. That stopped once I had some semblance of control over my travelling and will still happen if I'm stuck in the car with my father. So it was really odd to start doing it after 10 years of it not happening.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:31 AM on March 4, 2010
Ha, that reminded me of my travelling twitch of constantly looking for an unbroken line. That stopped once I had some semblance of control over my travelling and will still happen if I'm stuck in the car with my father. So it was really odd to start doing it after 10 years of it not happening.
posted by geek anachronism at 2:31 AM on March 4, 2010
Oh, I forgot to add (haven't done it in a while):
Like those two parallel lines on each side of the rectangular ceiling, the many parallel lines on the grid thing that covers the window. I'll find them two by two and move on to the next.
The visual sighting would be accompanied by tapping my first two fingers against the thumb for each pair, so sight, tap, sight, tap, sight, tap.
Also, nthing meds help.
Also, I'm forty and I didn't do much until relatively recently. I didn't get my undergrad degree until 30, my graduate degree until 37, kid at 38. Etc.
So I'm not exactly rushing through life either. I don't care much now, but did earlier.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:39 AM on March 4, 2010
Like those two parallel lines on each side of the rectangular ceiling, the many parallel lines on the grid thing that covers the window. I'll find them two by two and move on to the next.
The visual sighting would be accompanied by tapping my first two fingers against the thumb for each pair, so sight, tap, sight, tap, sight, tap.
Also, nthing meds help.
Also, I'm forty and I didn't do much until relatively recently. I didn't get my undergrad degree until 30, my graduate degree until 37, kid at 38. Etc.
So I'm not exactly rushing through life either. I don't care much now, but did earlier.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:39 AM on March 4, 2010
Yes, I agree with A Terrible Llama. From what I've read, rocking is a self-soothing behavior that's often seen in children who haven't gotten adequate physical affection (you hear about it not only in autistic children but in children who grew up in orphanages, too). You were doing your best to take care of yourself--there's nothing to be ashamed of.
And you still have potential. Promise.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:21 AM on March 4, 2010
And you still have potential. Promise.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:21 AM on March 4, 2010
The repetitive motions don't sound like such a horrible thing. The shame about them does. Most people have some peculiarity or another; it's not the fact of being different that causes the real suffering, it's the way you were taught to feel about it. I hope you will make getting over the shame your first priority.
posted by Ery at 5:35 AM on March 4, 2010
posted by Ery at 5:35 AM on March 4, 2010
I just wanted to add - this behavior is pretty common in children, actually. Learning to comfort yourself is an important part of childhood development. Baby Llama bangs her head. It's horrible, but it's not uncommon and she gets lots and lots of love and attention and seems to be a very secure, comfortable kid who is quite comfortable with giving and receiving affection and relating to others and so on.
I think the difference between that kind of behavior when it's normal and when it gets a little obsessive (as my anecdotes where I did stuff like that) is that I needed a lot of soothing and a lot of stress relief past the age of two and well into adulthood, and any of those behaviors can resurface if I'm a special combination of tense, sad, and anxious.
Hopefully baby Llama will not be relying on these behaviors and living inside her head most of her life, as I did. She seems very secure in the world to me.
Anyway, I just wanted to note that it's normal in case anyone out there is in ZOMG!! whats wrong with my kid??? mode.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:11 AM on March 4, 2010
I think the difference between that kind of behavior when it's normal and when it gets a little obsessive (as my anecdotes where I did stuff like that) is that I needed a lot of soothing and a lot of stress relief past the age of two and well into adulthood, and any of those behaviors can resurface if I'm a special combination of tense, sad, and anxious.
Hopefully baby Llama will not be relying on these behaviors and living inside her head most of her life, as I did. She seems very secure in the world to me.
Anyway, I just wanted to note that it's normal in case anyone out there is in ZOMG!! whats wrong with my kid??? mode.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:11 AM on March 4, 2010
My older brother has fetal alcohol syndrome and lived in foster care until he was 18 months old, when our parents adopted him. We shared a bedroom throughout our childhood. From as far back as I can remember up until the onset of adolescence, he would get himself to sleep by lying face-down on his bed and repeatedly hitting his head on his pillow.
He was older so he got the top bunk. I slept in the bottom bunk.
Later he discovered loud and terrible music, and he would come home from school, sit in our room with his stereo cranked high, and rock his head and body forward and back in (frenetic) rhythm with the music.
It never really struck me as all that odd, just something my brother always did. I'll nth the sentiment that everyone has tics and habits and it's not really something to be concerned about.
posted by reegmo at 6:43 AM on March 4, 2010
He was older so he got the top bunk. I slept in the bottom bunk.
Later he discovered loud and terrible music, and he would come home from school, sit in our room with his stereo cranked high, and rock his head and body forward and back in (frenetic) rhythm with the music.
It never really struck me as all that odd, just something my brother always did. I'll nth the sentiment that everyone has tics and habits and it's not really something to be concerned about.
posted by reegmo at 6:43 AM on March 4, 2010
If this is proving to be a problem, you can learn ways of self-soothing that are more manageable. Meditation is very effective. I have some repetitive behaviors, like playing many games of spider solitaire, that are kind of meditative.
From the responses to this thread, you can see that you aren't a mutant, and that, in fact, you've learned a coping behavior that has probably served you well. You might be able to adapt to coping behaviors that are less intrusive in your life, but coping behaviors serve a purpose.
posted by theora55 at 7:30 AM on March 4, 2010
From the responses to this thread, you can see that you aren't a mutant, and that, in fact, you've learned a coping behavior that has probably served you well. You might be able to adapt to coping behaviors that are less intrusive in your life, but coping behaviors serve a purpose.
posted by theora55 at 7:30 AM on March 4, 2010
I've tried googling this, but everything turns up aspergers/autism which like I said, doesn't really apply to me I think.
I think it does IMHO. Looking here for instance:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/autism_spectrum.htm
...seems to correlate with what you wrote, the rocking, the repetitive routines, problems with social interaction, being smart, etc. IMHO the parallels are significant.
Keep in mind too aspergers/autism is now considered Autism Spectral Disorder where it's a continuity. You may not be at the extreme end of the spectrum but it doesn't mean you're not somewhere on it.
Basically, do talk to a therapist or psychologist. You may need to seek out more than one who has a good fit, to make the call if this does or doesn't apply and what to do about it, rather than the opinion of the rest of us.
FWIW I don't think you necessarily need to feel shame over your behaviors, but if you find they're consuming inordinate amounts of time or attention, or are a coping mechanism that isn't really solving the root cause of your issues, or otherwise interferes with the rest of your life, then yes that's something to consider.
posted by thermonuclear.jive.turkey at 8:23 AM on March 4, 2010
I think it does IMHO. Looking here for instance:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/autism_spectrum.htm
...seems to correlate with what you wrote, the rocking, the repetitive routines, problems with social interaction, being smart, etc. IMHO the parallels are significant.
Keep in mind too aspergers/autism is now considered Autism Spectral Disorder where it's a continuity. You may not be at the extreme end of the spectrum but it doesn't mean you're not somewhere on it.
Basically, do talk to a therapist or psychologist. You may need to seek out more than one who has a good fit, to make the call if this does or doesn't apply and what to do about it, rather than the opinion of the rest of us.
FWIW I don't think you necessarily need to feel shame over your behaviors, but if you find they're consuming inordinate amounts of time or attention, or are a coping mechanism that isn't really solving the root cause of your issues, or otherwise interferes with the rest of your life, then yes that's something to consider.
posted by thermonuclear.jive.turkey at 8:23 AM on March 4, 2010
"I know I should see a therapist about it but it seems so silly and it's hard for me to talk about because I'm so ashamed of it. I feel like a spaz and a freak. I was treated like one by family members and neighborhood kids and I guess I've internalized that. It's hard for me to trust people."
The shame was caused by how others characterized the movements you made, not by the repetitive movements themselves. As others have mentioned, you're not alone in making these motions or having these tendencies.
Know what I felt ashamed of as a kid? Reading science fiction. I'd do it for hours, days on end, a whole summer would disappear and I hadn't gone out once. I got yelled at for it a lot, for "wasting" time and not playing like a normal kid. Kids would tease me b/c I'd read fiction in class under the table or while walking between classes. My (single) mom was extremely depressed at the time, and I was awkward socially. So it was something easy for her and them to pick up on and, in her case try to "fix" and in their case to establish their position on the hierarchy as "certainly not below that girl! What a freak!"
So the point of that is that anything a person does as a kid can be made shameful by others who, through carelessness or just being in their own vortex of negativity, end up making it so to the impressionable young one.
posted by lorrer at 12:40 PM on March 4, 2010
The shame was caused by how others characterized the movements you made, not by the repetitive movements themselves. As others have mentioned, you're not alone in making these motions or having these tendencies.
Know what I felt ashamed of as a kid? Reading science fiction. I'd do it for hours, days on end, a whole summer would disappear and I hadn't gone out once. I got yelled at for it a lot, for "wasting" time and not playing like a normal kid. Kids would tease me b/c I'd read fiction in class under the table or while walking between classes. My (single) mom was extremely depressed at the time, and I was awkward socially. So it was something easy for her and them to pick up on and, in her case try to "fix" and in their case to establish their position on the hierarchy as "certainly not below that girl! What a freak!"
So the point of that is that anything a person does as a kid can be made shameful by others who, through carelessness or just being in their own vortex of negativity, end up making it so to the impressionable young one.
posted by lorrer at 12:40 PM on March 4, 2010
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posted by moxiedoll at 9:04 PM on March 3, 2010 [2 favorites]