There's a food-shaped hole in my husband's memory.
February 27, 2010 1:53 PM Subscribe
My husband can't remember anything related to food.
Cooking is my consuming interest in life, and my husband is very supportive. He cheerfully spends hours with me hunting down esoteric ingredients and enthusiastically eats everything I make. He likes food and has a very adventurous palate. But he doesn’t remember what he ate afterward, doesn’t recognize that he’s had something previously if served the same thing again, doesn’t remember what things are called, and doesn’t have any particular favorites.
Example: He bought me a cookbook as a gift, and four weeks ago I made a fairly elaborate, time-consuming, and very unusual dish from it that was, we both agreed, absolutely delicious. Last night I made it again. Something about the way he said he liked it made me ask, “This doesn’t seem familiar to you?” Blank look. He had no memory of it.
This is a constant thing and it leaves me feeling like these important shared experiences never happened and that I’m pouring myself into something that never even really registers with him. When I cook for other friends and family, they comment on it months and even years later. We’ve talked about it and he says that he wishes that he could remember, he knows it's important to me, but it just doesn’t go into his brain for some reason. There’s nothing otherwise wrong with his memory--he’s a high-functioning professional. And it’s not just my cooking, it’s four-star restaurants, meals on our travels, everything.
I do feel like I’m overreacting, but then . . . imagine if you were a journalist and your spouse read an article of yours, raved about it and said it deserved a Pulitzer, then a week later read it again, was equally enthusiastic, but had no memory of ever having seen it before. Now imagine this happened every single time. Your entire body of work over your whole career, forgotten. He thinks you're a great writer, just can't remember a thing you wrote. It would be very demoralizing, wouldn’t it?
1) Can anybody explain this phenomenon to me? Is it common? Gender-related? Is it as simple as “He’s just being nice, but he doesn’t really care about food”?
2) Is there any way to fix it?
3) Can you help me to feel better about this? We’ve been married many, many years and I’m not going anywhere, but this issue just brings me to tears sometimes. I want to not mind, but it's hard to spend hours cooking something wonderful knowing that he'll forget it by the time the dishes are washed. Of all the strange quirks in the world, I don't see how I managed to wind up married to someone with this one!
(Anonymous because I feel ridiculous for being so upset about this . . .)
Cooking is my consuming interest in life, and my husband is very supportive. He cheerfully spends hours with me hunting down esoteric ingredients and enthusiastically eats everything I make. He likes food and has a very adventurous palate. But he doesn’t remember what he ate afterward, doesn’t recognize that he’s had something previously if served the same thing again, doesn’t remember what things are called, and doesn’t have any particular favorites.
Example: He bought me a cookbook as a gift, and four weeks ago I made a fairly elaborate, time-consuming, and very unusual dish from it that was, we both agreed, absolutely delicious. Last night I made it again. Something about the way he said he liked it made me ask, “This doesn’t seem familiar to you?” Blank look. He had no memory of it.
This is a constant thing and it leaves me feeling like these important shared experiences never happened and that I’m pouring myself into something that never even really registers with him. When I cook for other friends and family, they comment on it months and even years later. We’ve talked about it and he says that he wishes that he could remember, he knows it's important to me, but it just doesn’t go into his brain for some reason. There’s nothing otherwise wrong with his memory--he’s a high-functioning professional. And it’s not just my cooking, it’s four-star restaurants, meals on our travels, everything.
I do feel like I’m overreacting, but then . . . imagine if you were a journalist and your spouse read an article of yours, raved about it and said it deserved a Pulitzer, then a week later read it again, was equally enthusiastic, but had no memory of ever having seen it before. Now imagine this happened every single time. Your entire body of work over your whole career, forgotten. He thinks you're a great writer, just can't remember a thing you wrote. It would be very demoralizing, wouldn’t it?
1) Can anybody explain this phenomenon to me? Is it common? Gender-related? Is it as simple as “He’s just being nice, but he doesn’t really care about food”?
2) Is there any way to fix it?
3) Can you help me to feel better about this? We’ve been married many, many years and I’m not going anywhere, but this issue just brings me to tears sometimes. I want to not mind, but it's hard to spend hours cooking something wonderful knowing that he'll forget it by the time the dishes are washed. Of all the strange quirks in the world, I don't see how I managed to wind up married to someone with this one!
(Anonymous because I feel ridiculous for being so upset about this . . .)
Wow. I wish I had a solution for you, but I can offer this: when I saw the title I accused my husband of using my account to post this anonymously in order to mess with me. He is exactly the same way. Exactly. His food memory is zero, to the point where he'll ask me what's for dinner, I tell him, and then five minutes later he asks again. I don't have any answers for you, because I've just had to get used to it - but at least know you aren't alone.
posted by something something at 2:01 PM on February 27, 2010
posted by something something at 2:01 PM on February 27, 2010
He thinks you're a great cook! If you need validation about your cooking from memories, invite other people over and cook for them for those remembrances. Seek a different outlet for your cooking validation and share other parts of life with your husband.
posted by girlhacker at 2:05 PM on February 27, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by girlhacker at 2:05 PM on February 27, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think it's completely natural to want your spouse to appreciate the meal that you've put a lot of time and energy into - but it may be a little extreme to actually be hurt by the fact that he doesn't think about food in the same way you do.
Some people like food, but aren't interested in food in the way you and I might be. The mental connections between the sensuality of eating the food and the intellectual aspects - when they've eaten it before, what it resembles, what is in it, etc. - just don't engage. I would recommend that you help him learn to think about the dinners that you serve him - tell him that the dish came from the recipe book, speak (briefly) about what's in it and start a conversation about either its uniqueness or similarity to another dish, and if you serve it to him again, remind him of the previous time he ate it. With practice, he should at least begin to remember what he's been served before. Good luck - it would bug me too.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:05 PM on February 27, 2010
Some people like food, but aren't interested in food in the way you and I might be. The mental connections between the sensuality of eating the food and the intellectual aspects - when they've eaten it before, what it resembles, what is in it, etc. - just don't engage. I would recommend that you help him learn to think about the dinners that you serve him - tell him that the dish came from the recipe book, speak (briefly) about what's in it and start a conversation about either its uniqueness or similarity to another dish, and if you serve it to him again, remind him of the previous time he ate it. With practice, he should at least begin to remember what he's been served before. Good luck - it would bug me too.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:05 PM on February 27, 2010
How are the other aspects of your relationship? 'Cause if they're all good, I'd just say forget about this. This is a guy who is just not palate-oriented. If other parts of your relationship are bad, maybe he's pulling a passive-agressive thing on you, but only you can be the judge of that.
In my own relationship, I do something that ticks off my husband: I can't remember anything we talk about once we've gotten into bed in the evening. I mean, the next morning I will have literally no memory of it. He asked me to get milk? I forget it. He told me about something going on at his job? I forget it. Doesn't seem to matter if it's minor, or important. Only nowadays I know that if it's important I have to get out of bed and write it down. It's like my brain just turns off for the day. At any rate -- your guy just doesn't remember food-related stuff. If that's the only problem, give him a kiss and feed him mac and cheese, or your gourmet creations, and get on with it.
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:06 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
In my own relationship, I do something that ticks off my husband: I can't remember anything we talk about once we've gotten into bed in the evening. I mean, the next morning I will have literally no memory of it. He asked me to get milk? I forget it. He told me about something going on at his job? I forget it. Doesn't seem to matter if it's minor, or important. Only nowadays I know that if it's important I have to get out of bed and write it down. It's like my brain just turns off for the day. At any rate -- your guy just doesn't remember food-related stuff. If that's the only problem, give him a kiss and feed him mac and cheese, or your gourmet creations, and get on with it.
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:06 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
For some people, food is art and technique and craftsmanship. For others, it's merely fuel. He may not remember the meal, but I'll bet he remembers that it was prepared with love and care. That's what matters.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:06 PM on February 27, 2010 [15 favorites]
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:06 PM on February 27, 2010 [15 favorites]
We could give it a name.
We could ascribe it to gender differences.
We could say he has a neurological disorder.
We could say it is subconscious passive aggressive retaliation that could threaten your whole relationship
or
maybe....
We could just say he isn't interested in food.
posted by TheOtherGuy at 2:12 PM on February 27, 2010 [3 favorites]
We could ascribe it to gender differences.
We could say he has a neurological disorder.
We could say it is subconscious passive aggressive retaliation that could threaten your whole relationship
or
maybe....
We could just say he isn't interested in food.
posted by TheOtherGuy at 2:12 PM on February 27, 2010 [3 favorites]
I feel for you, because I would likely be upset too, even while understanding that it's not a big deal and it has nothing to do with his feelings toward me.
I think you just have to accept it. Look on the bright side: at least he won't bitch about eating chicken for dinner too often, as was common in my family.
posted by sallybrown at 2:13 PM on February 27, 2010
I think you just have to accept it. Look on the bright side: at least he won't bitch about eating chicken for dinner too often, as was common in my family.
posted by sallybrown at 2:13 PM on February 27, 2010
As for 3), I don't know if this would help enough, but ... a lot of people I know who are really into cooking like to take pictures of the meal when they've finished cooking it, especially when they've taken a lot of trouble to present it well, set the table nicely, etc. Maybe you could start doing that when you've done something especially spectacular, maybe with a picture of your husband seated and about to enjoy it?
posted by Ashley801 at 2:14 PM on February 27, 2010
posted by Ashley801 at 2:14 PM on February 27, 2010
1) I've never heard of memory deficits specifically related to food, but I can see how it could happen. I don't think it would be gender-related or that he doesn't care about food. But he may not have the categories and language to make distinctions while he's eating and then use those distinctions as a basis for memories.
2) If he's game, he could try taking notes and writing down particular details about meals. Those could be revisited in conversation the next day and subsequently. This might help him develop a structure for and habit of retaining memories of food.
3) I have a terrible time remembering names and faces. It's something I have to work on constantly, but it is still very difficult. In movies I get the characters confused and in real life I get neighbors and acquaintances confused. It's not because I don't care. I'm also absent-minded and easily overloaded by to-do lists. I just get overwhelmed and they fly out of my brain. I do care about those, though, so I take notes and make lists and that helps.
So, I wouldn't take it personally, but given how important it is to you, I think it could be worthwhile to try to engage your husband in a project of memory training. If he doesn't feel pressured by it but sees it more as a game, it could be a fun thing.
posted by alms at 2:17 PM on February 27, 2010
2) If he's game, he could try taking notes and writing down particular details about meals. Those could be revisited in conversation the next day and subsequently. This might help him develop a structure for and habit of retaining memories of food.
3) I have a terrible time remembering names and faces. It's something I have to work on constantly, but it is still very difficult. In movies I get the characters confused and in real life I get neighbors and acquaintances confused. It's not because I don't care. I'm also absent-minded and easily overloaded by to-do lists. I just get overwhelmed and they fly out of my brain. I do care about those, though, so I take notes and make lists and that helps.
So, I wouldn't take it personally, but given how important it is to you, I think it could be worthwhile to try to engage your husband in a project of memory training. If he doesn't feel pressured by it but sees it more as a game, it could be a fun thing.
posted by alms at 2:17 PM on February 27, 2010
I have something which may be along the same line brain-wise. I simply don't remember faces. Not because I don't want to and not because I can't pay more attention but it is an actual brain disorder called face blindness. So he may have a similar brain thing which totally doesn't have anything to do with you, it is just a malfunction in his brain. Other people have Aspergers in which they can do many things really well and have an excellent memory for some things yet be totally uninterested in other things (food may be one, being social, etc) and have no particular memory for it just because it doesn't register. If he is great in most other parts of his life, you may want to just overlook this as I don't think he is doing it on purpose.
posted by MsKim at 2:19 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by MsKim at 2:19 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you first need to figure out why this upsets you so much. Do you think that because he can't remember the food, he isn't really enjoying it? Do you think that he isn't TRYING to remember and therefore doesn't care about something that's important to you? Do you enjoy reminiscing about past meals and wish that it were something that the two of you could do together?
Second, once you've pinpointed what it is that's upsetting you, you need to figure out what assumptions you're making based on the way your own mind works, and realize that those assumptions are not necessarily universal. It sounds like part of the way you enjoy food is by thinking about it later on, remembering the way it tasted, remembering the effort that went into cooking it, etc. But it's possible to enjoy something and appreciate it in the moment, without looking back on it fondly later.
Finally, you need to figure out something realistic that he CAN do that will make you feel better. For example, maybe when you cook something, while he's eating it you could ask him what he likes about it, what his favorite part of the meal is, etc. You could even write these things down -- I'm imagining a word document (or even a blog!) where you post photos of the meals and what you both thought of them. Not so that when you say "Hey, remember that great pot roast I cooked in August of 2005?" and he says "No, I have no idea what you're talking about" you can call up the diary entry and say "SEE, YOU DID EAT IT" -- rather, so that you have a way of reminiscing by proxy, and remembering how much he enjoyed the meal at the time (as opposed to resenting him for not remembering it now).
I say all of this as someone who loves cooking, and whose partner is happy mixing three cans of beans together and calling it a meal. It's taken me a while to realize that the fact that he'd eat pretty much anything I put in front of him doesn't take away from the fact that he does enjoy my cooking and that, more importantly, I enjoy my cooking.
posted by pluckemin at 2:21 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Second, once you've pinpointed what it is that's upsetting you, you need to figure out what assumptions you're making based on the way your own mind works, and realize that those assumptions are not necessarily universal. It sounds like part of the way you enjoy food is by thinking about it later on, remembering the way it tasted, remembering the effort that went into cooking it, etc. But it's possible to enjoy something and appreciate it in the moment, without looking back on it fondly later.
Finally, you need to figure out something realistic that he CAN do that will make you feel better. For example, maybe when you cook something, while he's eating it you could ask him what he likes about it, what his favorite part of the meal is, etc. You could even write these things down -- I'm imagining a word document (or even a blog!) where you post photos of the meals and what you both thought of them. Not so that when you say "Hey, remember that great pot roast I cooked in August of 2005?" and he says "No, I have no idea what you're talking about" you can call up the diary entry and say "SEE, YOU DID EAT IT" -- rather, so that you have a way of reminiscing by proxy, and remembering how much he enjoyed the meal at the time (as opposed to resenting him for not remembering it now).
I say all of this as someone who loves cooking, and whose partner is happy mixing three cans of beans together and calling it a meal. It's taken me a while to realize that the fact that he'd eat pretty much anything I put in front of him doesn't take away from the fact that he does enjoy my cooking and that, more importantly, I enjoy my cooking.
posted by pluckemin at 2:21 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Some people live to eat.
Some people eat to live.
More seriously, people really do vary in their sensory experiences: there are people with perfect pitch, others who are deaf; there are people with better-than-20/20 vision, and others who are blind; some people have highly refined palates, and other don't.
Yes, he can tell good food from bad, but it's not a central part of his experience of life. He's supportive of your enthusiasm (and he enjoys the food you prepare, yes?).
You wouldn't take it as a personal attack if he needed a hearing aid. Don't take it as a personal attack if he doesn't much remember what he eats.
People are different.
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 2:23 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Some people eat to live.
More seriously, people really do vary in their sensory experiences: there are people with perfect pitch, others who are deaf; there are people with better-than-20/20 vision, and others who are blind; some people have highly refined palates, and other don't.
Yes, he can tell good food from bad, but it's not a central part of his experience of life. He's supportive of your enthusiasm (and he enjoys the food you prepare, yes?).
You wouldn't take it as a personal attack if he needed a hearing aid. Don't take it as a personal attack if he doesn't much remember what he eats.
People are different.
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 2:23 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
My .02 cents is that you are over-reacting.
My wife and I are not foodies, but she is a talented amateur violinist -- in fact, she is the Principal Second violinist in her community orchestra. She knows a significant amount about classical music, and can discuss the minutiae of various composers and their works at great length. I am an amateur guitarist and love music, but I have no classical training, and my only real exposure to classical music has been through my wife's playing and the music we've enjoyed together. I love her playing, and I generally enjoy the genre, but I would be very hard pressed to tell you the difference between Brahms and Bach, much less distinguish one of Brahms' symphonies from another. Sometimes, I'll attend one of her concerts and express that I really liked, say, the second symphonic work performed, and she will ask if I liked it better than the other time she played it 10 years earlier with a different community orchestra. When I give her my best blank stare, she smiles and simply acknowledges the compliment and we move on to discussing what else I liked about that night's performance.
It sounds like your husband is trying to appreciate your cooking to the best of his ability. Acknowledge his appreciation as genuine (which it sounds like), and don't expect him to be your resident food critic. And don't lose any sleep over this; we can't all be experts at all things, and it is impolite to expect your husband to share your abilities in this area. It sounds like his heart is in the right place.
posted by mosk at 2:28 PM on February 27, 2010 [11 favorites]
My wife and I are not foodies, but she is a talented amateur violinist -- in fact, she is the Principal Second violinist in her community orchestra. She knows a significant amount about classical music, and can discuss the minutiae of various composers and their works at great length. I am an amateur guitarist and love music, but I have no classical training, and my only real exposure to classical music has been through my wife's playing and the music we've enjoyed together. I love her playing, and I generally enjoy the genre, but I would be very hard pressed to tell you the difference between Brahms and Bach, much less distinguish one of Brahms' symphonies from another. Sometimes, I'll attend one of her concerts and express that I really liked, say, the second symphonic work performed, and she will ask if I liked it better than the other time she played it 10 years earlier with a different community orchestra. When I give her my best blank stare, she smiles and simply acknowledges the compliment and we move on to discussing what else I liked about that night's performance.
It sounds like your husband is trying to appreciate your cooking to the best of his ability. Acknowledge his appreciation as genuine (which it sounds like), and don't expect him to be your resident food critic. And don't lose any sleep over this; we can't all be experts at all things, and it is impolite to expect your husband to share your abilities in this area. It sounds like his heart is in the right place.
posted by mosk at 2:28 PM on February 27, 2010 [11 favorites]
Maybe you could think of it this way: every evening, he's having a unique culinary experience. Since he enjoys the food and doesn't seem to be shy about expressing his enjoyment, just take part in the moment with him, in this specific meal. You can remember his past reactions and compare it to the current if you like, but take joy in his joy right then and there.
posted by Hildegarde at 2:32 PM on February 27, 2010
posted by Hildegarde at 2:32 PM on February 27, 2010
Different people rememer different things.
People often remark on my feats of memory, but for some reason I can't remember the faces of people I don't know well. A brain is pretty complicated, one or two loose wires is to be expected.
posted by StickyCarpet at 2:33 PM on February 27, 2010
People often remark on my feats of memory, but for some reason I can't remember the faces of people I don't know well. A brain is pretty complicated, one or two loose wires is to be expected.
posted by StickyCarpet at 2:33 PM on February 27, 2010
You've already ruled out anything that could be problematic - he does this to everyone so it's not a you-related blackout, he enjoys your food in the moment, is open to trying new things and being adventurous, he's otherwise supportive, he acknowledges that this is a problem and would like to fix it but can't. From everything you said I can't see anything that points to a relationship problem or something he can do differently- it's just a weird quirk that bothers you.
Instead, look at it this way - this is probably the best test subject you could wish for because he has no biases. I would be bad at this for you because there's a lot of things I don't like, which would put a damper on your range, and if I don't like something once I'm not going to want to have it again.
But with him you can try anything, and if you make something one night that is disappointing, you can keep testing him on it and he's not going to balk at it with a bad memory in mind (like I would), he's just going to gobble it up - just be sure to insist that he gives you an honest assessment and not yes you to death.
posted by amethysts at 2:45 PM on February 27, 2010
Instead, look at it this way - this is probably the best test subject you could wish for because he has no biases. I would be bad at this for you because there's a lot of things I don't like, which would put a damper on your range, and if I don't like something once I'm not going to want to have it again.
But with him you can try anything, and if you make something one night that is disappointing, you can keep testing him on it and he's not going to balk at it with a bad memory in mind (like I would), he's just going to gobble it up - just be sure to insist that he gives you an honest assessment and not yes you to death.
posted by amethysts at 2:45 PM on February 27, 2010
Maybe every time you make a special meal you especially want him to be able to reminisce about, you could make it a dinner party and invite other people? Even if he doesn't remember the specific food later, you could still reminisce with him about the time Bob and Sue came over for fourth of July or whatever it is. He can remember and participate in the social experience aspect.
posted by JoannaC at 3:49 PM on February 27, 2010
posted by JoannaC at 3:49 PM on February 27, 2010
it's hard to spend hours cooking something wonderful knowing that he'll forget it
As the mother and main chef for two picky children, and the wife of a man who will eat anything so long as it's salad, I understand the frustration. I try to not take personally my family's lack of interest in what I'm preparing for us to eat.
Cook what you want, and at least one person will be happy.
You could start a food blog or a cooking club if you want to talk about recipes with other people.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:00 PM on February 27, 2010
As the mother and main chef for two picky children, and the wife of a man who will eat anything so long as it's salad, I understand the frustration. I try to not take personally my family's lack of interest in what I'm preparing for us to eat.
Cook what you want, and at least one person will be happy.
You could start a food blog or a cooking club if you want to talk about recipes with other people.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:00 PM on February 27, 2010
It is very difficult to cook something and not be appreciated for the effort and time that went into it, and for you it is very much an act of love, so I can see why you feel so emotional. And why you want to share your passion with your husband.
He DOES help you find your ingredients, praise the meal when you eat it, and I think you need to accept that he is being as supportive as he can be. You can't change him.
I would suggest you might find an outlet for your cooking artistry through food blogging. Take pictures, blog about cooking the meals, put recipes on your blog, even attend events geared towards foodies so that you can share this passion with others. You will meet others who know exactly how much work you go to and can appreciate all the wonderful food you prepare because they are just like you. And that's a good thing.
Your husband cannot be all things to you. It's not fair to ask him to be. But you can certainly indulge in your passion and ask for his support as you go forward, and I imagine he will be happy for you to have this outlet.
posted by misha at 4:52 PM on February 27, 2010
He DOES help you find your ingredients, praise the meal when you eat it, and I think you need to accept that he is being as supportive as he can be. You can't change him.
I would suggest you might find an outlet for your cooking artistry through food blogging. Take pictures, blog about cooking the meals, put recipes on your blog, even attend events geared towards foodies so that you can share this passion with others. You will meet others who know exactly how much work you go to and can appreciate all the wonderful food you prepare because they are just like you. And that's a good thing.
Your husband cannot be all things to you. It's not fair to ask him to be. But you can certainly indulge in your passion and ask for his support as you go forward, and I imagine he will be happy for you to have this outlet.
posted by misha at 4:52 PM on February 27, 2010
Look at it this way: he'll never tire of your cooking.
posted by rhizome at 5:19 PM on February 27, 2010
posted by rhizome at 5:19 PM on February 27, 2010
The other anachronism is like this with clothes. He can tell me if it looks good as long as I have it on right now. Otherwise he has no idea. Can't remember. So while his taste is superb her cannot remember what a pencil skirt looks like on my body. He just can't. And I still find myself stumbling over that and getting annoyed (how can he not know if these jeans look better than the other ones? I just tried them on?). So I take photos and try not to expect him to remember anything about the clothes I wear. Admittedly clothing isn't a focus of my life the way cooking seems to be for you but I just wanted you to know that it isn't just your husband and it isn't just cooking.
I strongly recommend a blog as well. Cooking blogs are GREAT.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:45 PM on February 27, 2010
I strongly recommend a blog as well. Cooking blogs are GREAT.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:45 PM on February 27, 2010
I really feel for you, because my husband is similar, although maybe not as forgetful as you describe. (And I think that some people who tell you that you are overreacting and that it's not a big deal just don't understand the effort and emotion that one can devote to cooking.) One thing that has helped us is to make him more of an active participant: he might chop vegetables, say, or do some other little task to prepare one aspect of the meal. It also helps if he renames the dish. For instance, there was a spicy carrot-cornmeal savory pancake recipe that we both loved eating, but he could never remember it when described, although he usually remembered the taste once he was eating it again. He finally started calling them "Sunbursts" instead of their formal, long, hyphenated name, and that has helped. I think both the acts of contributing to the cooking, and also naming the dishes has helped him be more connected to the final product and thus, made them more memorable.
If none of these help, consider starting a food blog where you post pictures of your meals. You'll find a huge community of like-minded foodies, make some new friends, and have a URL to point your husband to when he claims to have never seen tonight's dinner before in his life. :)
posted by Bella Sebastian at 5:47 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
If none of these help, consider starting a food blog where you post pictures of your meals. You'll find a huge community of like-minded foodies, make some new friends, and have a URL to point your husband to when he claims to have never seen tonight's dinner before in his life. :)
posted by Bella Sebastian at 5:47 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Could he be anosmic?
Smell is important to many sorts of memory, it might be essential to memories of food.
posted by jamjam at 6:35 PM on February 27, 2010
Smell is important to many sorts of memory, it might be essential to memories of food.
posted by jamjam at 6:35 PM on February 27, 2010
I totally get why this would make you upset. I love to cook myself and would be frustrated if my partner didn't remember any of the meals I made. So I am jumping on the "start a food blog" train. Your hubby could even be the one to take the pictures and help you set it up.
posted by icy at 7:08 PM on February 27, 2010
posted by icy at 7:08 PM on February 27, 2010
Maybe you could think of it this way: every evening, he's having a unique culinary experience. Since he enjoys the food and doesn't seem to be shy about expressing his enjoyment, just take part in the moment with him, in this specific meal. You can remember his past reactions and compare it to the current if you like, but take joy in his joy right then and there.
what Hildegarde said. I understand your frustration, but I think you're going to have to look at what is good about this situation: he will never get tired of eating your food. He will never complain that you've made something too often. He's enjoying your food in the moment, and he appreciates your hard work. That doesn't change just because he doesn't remember specifics about the meal.
posted by oneirodynia at 7:15 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
what Hildegarde said. I understand your frustration, but I think you're going to have to look at what is good about this situation: he will never get tired of eating your food. He will never complain that you've made something too often. He's enjoying your food in the moment, and he appreciates your hard work. That doesn't change just because he doesn't remember specifics about the meal.
posted by oneirodynia at 7:15 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
As others have said I can imagine it's really upsetting, particularly when you put the time, love and effort in.
But you also said that he enjoys the food you eat and, more importantly, you enjoy the meals together which is such wonderful thing.
I've heard stories of partnerships where one partner loves cooking and trying new things and the other partner sticks firmly with their meat and three veg, refusing to try anything new (which I can imagine would be really tough to deal with and which would be a potential deal-breaker for me personally because I LOVE feeding people). So it may be worth focusing on the fact that when you put a delicious meal in front of him, he enjoys it even if he doesn't remember it later.
posted by prettypretty at 10:09 PM on February 27, 2010
But you also said that he enjoys the food you eat and, more importantly, you enjoy the meals together which is such wonderful thing.
I've heard stories of partnerships where one partner loves cooking and trying new things and the other partner sticks firmly with their meat and three veg, refusing to try anything new (which I can imagine would be really tough to deal with and which would be a potential deal-breaker for me personally because I LOVE feeding people). So it may be worth focusing on the fact that when you put a delicious meal in front of him, he enjoys it even if he doesn't remember it later.
posted by prettypretty at 10:09 PM on February 27, 2010
You are a gourmet, and he is a gourmand.
You love to cook, he loves to eat what you cook.
You're enjoying your cooking, he's enjoying your cooking.
It sounds to me like you've both got a good thing going. Don't mess it up by overanalyzing it.
posted by lekvar at 10:11 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
You love to cook, he loves to eat what you cook.
You're enjoying your cooking, he's enjoying your cooking.
It sounds to me like you've both got a good thing going. Don't mess it up by overanalyzing it.
posted by lekvar at 10:11 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seems very analogous to one man knowing the details of every make, every model, every year of every car, and his friend who does not know them and does not remember them even if he is told about them many times.
Some people have to know the details of these kinds of things in their lives. You have to know the details of food and their ingredients, to do what you do. He does not.
posted by megatherium at 11:22 PM on February 27, 2010
Some people have to know the details of these kinds of things in their lives. You have to know the details of food and their ingredients, to do what you do. He does not.
posted by megatherium at 11:22 PM on February 27, 2010
Maybe he needs some other hooks to help remember the meal -- that is, how the food looks, specific words to describe the taste, and so on. If he could describe your boeuf bourginon could be "the beef in the red sauce that tastes like wine and has mushrooms in it," perhaps he'd recall it better. Try discussing the meal in terms of its attributes while you're having it, to build a story about it, something relevant to him.
posted by woot at 4:42 AM on February 28, 2010
posted by woot at 4:42 AM on February 28, 2010
I think you're lucky, to be honest. Food and cooking are extremely important to me, but my husband has absolutely zero interest in it and is, in fact, bored and annoyed if I try to engage him in any conversation about food. I don't even ask him if there's anything he wants when I go food shopping, or if there are any meals he would like that week, because I know the answer will be 'snacks' and 'whatever'. Elaborate, interesting food gets no reaction from him - however, sometimes if I throw together a tuna casserole with a basic mornay sauce, frozen peas, and pasta shells, he's pretty much ecstatic.
This used to make me really angry, but then I realised that I would be bored and annoyed if he constantly asked me about my opinion on Javascript vs. Python or whatever, because I have no knowledge of or interest in programming, in spite of the fact that it is both his career and hobby. He is fine with that, and is happy for us to talk about the interests we share - movies and music and books and videogames - and save the programming talk for when he's with his work buddies. And he eats what I put in front of him, even failed experiments, and indulges my restaurant choices and even lets me order for him because he knows that I know what he will like. I have other friends with whom I can talk about cooking, so it's fine.
So, yeah, give your husband a break. He's doing his best, maybe even more than you should expect.
posted by Wroksie at 5:24 AM on February 28, 2010
This used to make me really angry, but then I realised that I would be bored and annoyed if he constantly asked me about my opinion on Javascript vs. Python or whatever, because I have no knowledge of or interest in programming, in spite of the fact that it is both his career and hobby. He is fine with that, and is happy for us to talk about the interests we share - movies and music and books and videogames - and save the programming talk for when he's with his work buddies. And he eats what I put in front of him, even failed experiments, and indulges my restaurant choices and even lets me order for him because he knows that I know what he will like. I have other friends with whom I can talk about cooking, so it's fine.
So, yeah, give your husband a break. He's doing his best, maybe even more than you should expect.
posted by Wroksie at 5:24 AM on February 28, 2010
And I think that some people who tell you that you are overreacting and that it's not a big deal just don't understand the effort and emotion that one can devote to cooking.
Cooking is a passion for you, not him. If it's your choice to put in that effort and emotion into something you enjoy you can't demand that other people recognise and validate it for you, regardless of whether or not they benefit. You can share their enjoyment but you can't insist that they enjoy it in a specific fashion. It doesn't sound like your husband is demanding fabulous and complex food be on the table at 5pm every night but it does look like he recognises that you love cooking and supports your passion to his best ability. Sounds like a good deal to me.
Why not join a gourmet cooking class to find like-minded types to geek out with instead?
posted by freya_lamb at 6:42 AM on February 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Cooking is a passion for you, not him. If it's your choice to put in that effort and emotion into something you enjoy you can't demand that other people recognise and validate it for you, regardless of whether or not they benefit. You can share their enjoyment but you can't insist that they enjoy it in a specific fashion. It doesn't sound like your husband is demanding fabulous and complex food be on the table at 5pm every night but it does look like he recognises that you love cooking and supports your passion to his best ability. Sounds like a good deal to me.
Why not join a gourmet cooking class to find like-minded types to geek out with instead?
posted by freya_lamb at 6:42 AM on February 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think Bella Sebastian's idea of a food blog is a great idea.
posted by pushing paper and bottoming chairs at 9:56 AM on February 28, 2010
posted by pushing paper and bottoming chairs at 9:56 AM on February 28, 2010
From the Nature department: We're all wired a little bit differently, and who knows, maybe he damaged his occipital culinary lobe (yes, I'm making that up) the time he took a tumble while riding his bike when he was 12. If this were a thing that didn't used to be the case but has gotten progressively worse then maybe a PET scan or some such would be in order, but I think we're a couple major breakthroughs in psychology away from explaining the difference between your memories of meals and his on a physiological basis.
From the Nurture department: Someone once did an experiment where they put a random handful of chess pieces on a board in a random arrangement, then let chess masters and schmucks like you and I look at them for a minute and they try to recreate it in the next room. Everyone did a pretty lackluster job.
They they set up move 32 of Kasparov's 1983 game against Portisch or some such from an actual game and suddenly the chess masters were able to recreate the board perfectly, or with whole constellations of pieces shifted one square the left, while the schmucks like you and I continued to do a pretty lackluster job. The term used to describe this is chunking.
It's probably safe to say that something like that is at play here. You and your husband sits down to something, oh, lets say some over the top chicken dish. Your brain has all sorts of hooks it starts hanging things on. You're sorting out individual flavors, noting details about the preparation, reverse engineering the recipe (if someone else made it) or thinking about things you'll do differently next time (if you did). Your husband hangs his recollection of the meal on hooks labeled "Chicken" and "Yummy". By the day after tomorrow it will blur into all those other meals involving chicken that were yummy.
You could teach your husband to cook and maybe he'd develop more mental hooks, but I see a lot of frustration in that for both of you and would probably advise against it. One way I can see this being not a disaster is if you're friends with another couple where she is also into food and your husband will do things in a social context that he might not otherwise just get involved in. Get together and manufacture a lot of something that you can freeze, like raviolis. That way, at the worst, it will be a social occasion with a worthwhile product that he can console himself with, even if he doesn't appreciate the process.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 10:37 AM on February 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
From the Nurture department: Someone once did an experiment where they put a random handful of chess pieces on a board in a random arrangement, then let chess masters and schmucks like you and I look at them for a minute and they try to recreate it in the next room. Everyone did a pretty lackluster job.
They they set up move 32 of Kasparov's 1983 game against Portisch or some such from an actual game and suddenly the chess masters were able to recreate the board perfectly, or with whole constellations of pieces shifted one square the left, while the schmucks like you and I continued to do a pretty lackluster job. The term used to describe this is chunking.
It's probably safe to say that something like that is at play here. You and your husband sits down to something, oh, lets say some over the top chicken dish. Your brain has all sorts of hooks it starts hanging things on. You're sorting out individual flavors, noting details about the preparation, reverse engineering the recipe (if someone else made it) or thinking about things you'll do differently next time (if you did). Your husband hangs his recollection of the meal on hooks labeled "Chicken" and "Yummy". By the day after tomorrow it will blur into all those other meals involving chicken that were yummy.
You could teach your husband to cook and maybe he'd develop more mental hooks, but I see a lot of frustration in that for both of you and would probably advise against it. One way I can see this being not a disaster is if you're friends with another couple where she is also into food and your husband will do things in a social context that he might not otherwise just get involved in. Get together and manufacture a lot of something that you can freeze, like raviolis. That way, at the worst, it will be a social occasion with a worthwhile product that he can console himself with, even if he doesn't appreciate the process.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 10:37 AM on February 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You're reading into this too much.
posted by dfriedman at 1:57 PM on February 27, 2010 [1 favorite]